Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160705

Featuring jon batiste and stay human and now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs band playing stephen hey thank you so much you look good, you look good. cheers and applause jon wow, i like the haircut you look so good stephen hey thank you so much cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you up there, down there, everybody out there in the world welcome to the late show thank you so much welcome to the late show, everybody im Stephen Colbert, and continued cheering and this is my summertime haircut. Thank you so much for being here. I i jon i like it stephen you like the new haircut . Jon yeah, i like that. Stephen its a little short, a little short. Im aerodynamic, for the rest of the summer. Okay, helps with the swimming. I went to the this weekend and i just went and got my haircut where my kids got their haircut. I just said, to hell with it, ill get in next. Got in a little boat, they gave me the game to play with. Barely cried for the whole thing. laughter but, its going to be a fantastic summer, unless you care about the election cheers and applause because this is crazy i dont know where to begin according to the washington post, abc news, Cheesecake Factory poll, voters favor donald trump over Hillary Clinton 46 to 44 . audience reacts but how do you feel about it . laughter okay, 46 to 44 . If you do the math, that only adds up to 90 . Because the final 10 just kept whispering kill me. laughter cheers and applause and then, Bernie Sanders burst out of their chest laughter thats not a real impression of Bernie Sanders. That doesnt really seem like him at all. Polls also show that trump and clinton are the two most unpopular likely president ial nominees in the history of the poll. At this point, any third candidate would be more likeable than these two. We could be looking at president laughter i should have gone for that. I should have gone for the man bun. Jon you could pull that off. Stephen i could have done that. Thats a pretty good look. So clinton and trump are already attacking each other, which is going to make things really awkward when she attends his next wedding. laughter now this time, this time, this time i hope i get invited. This time, theyre attacking each other over guns. On friday, donald trump was endorsed by the National Rifle association, who said in a statement, guns now following laughter covers everything. Following this endorsement, trump gave a speech to the group, where he promised to do away with gunfree school zones. Hillary clinton expressed her outrage, then trump expressed his outrage at her outrage on fox and friends, clarifying his position once and for all. I dont want to have guns in classrooms, although, in some cases, teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly. Stephen so, no guns in classrooms unless guns in classrooms. laughter settled i think we just heard Donald Trumps Education Plan kids will learn math by counting how many different positions he takes in one sentence. And the idea cheers and applause and the idea of Arming Teachers isnt new. A lot of people say teachers should have guns, or tasers, or some kind of weapon. Basically, anything except a living wage. cheers and applause so, trump doesnt think trump doesnt think guns should be allowed in classrooms, but does think teachers should have guns. Therefore, he thinks teachers should not be allowed in classrooms . laughter i can only it has to be what it means, you know. Jon Something Like that. Stephen come to think of it, we should have seen this coming. I love the poorly educated. chee stephen ha, ha theres a good chance hes going to be president laughter now, in other unexplainable news, it was Just Announced that theyre going to make a movie based on the video game tetris. That is true, that is true. Now, if youre not familiar with tetris, imagine different shaped blocks, and thats it. laughter and get this, the tetris film may be part of a trilogy. Which is good news itll give them a chance to deal with all those unanswered questions, like why . And seriously, why . But ive got to say, i was curious how they would add drama to slowlymoving multicolored blocks, so we here at the late show have secured an exclusive live clip from the upcoming tetris movie. Take a look. I dont care what our families say, we belong together. Make love to me, now tetris theme oh. Oh god thats nice. Im going to go like this oh my god all right, come on, all right, all right. Oh, yes, yes, yes take me to tetristown oh, yes, thats good daddy like daddy like oh, yes keep going yes, keep going cheers and applause stephen thank you. cheers and applause it was like fifty shapes of grey. laughter but you know what . Say hi to john batiste and stay human, everybody. band playing cheers and applause stephen you know, i think i would watch that movie. And man, ive got to tell you, ive said this here and on other shows. Media. Seems like these days we lose one National Publishing treasure after another. Gourmet magazine is gone. Details is gone. Other magazines are scaling back and cutting corners. Rolling stone has gotten so shrunken and thin that it was mistaken for one of the actual rolling stones. laughter and now, the unthinkable has happened victorias secret has killed off its famous catalogue what what audience reacts no i was almost done browsing they made the decision after they eliminated the catalog in two significant markets for a year and didnt see any meaningful change in sales. Well, obviously, if the catalogues not boosting sales, you get rid of it, right . Come here you idiots cheers and applause dont you see dont you see it was never about sales it was about. You know exactly what it was about they have done these women did nothing to deserve this they are angels or maybe, sexualized geese . Its hard to tell sometimes. Eliminating the victorias secret 6 catalog is just plain unamerican. This is true because porn is banned, every sailor on u. S. Aircraft carriers receives a victorias secret catalogue. And it aint to buy a macrame crop top. What are the sailors going to look at now, the Restoration Hardware catalog . Although ive got to say, i like the figure on those vintage hourglasses. laughter i doubt id last an hour. Okay. Doesnt mean anything. That means nothing. laughter legally, legally, i need to inform you that that joke meant nothing. laughter clearly, this is going to be tough on the sailors. And this wednesday marks the start of fleet week here in new york city. So i am going to show my support by leaving all my old victorias secret catalogs outside the studio on 53rd street for any sailor to take for free. Theyll be in a Cardboard Box that, years ago, i labeled hannukah decorations. cheers and applause j. Crew catalogues pretty good too. Its not just fleet week, its also College Graduation season. Its the time of the year cheers and applause for. The time of year when the highly educated think to themselves, which side does the little tassely thing go on . Universities everywhere are prepping for the big day mowing the lawns, quadding the quads, covering the confederate statues. So far, graduates have already heard commencement speeches from Cheryl Sandberg at berkeley, president obama at rutgers, and Linmanuel Miranda at the university of pennsylvania. Yeah, great speech. Unfortunately for the kids at penn, tickets to his speech are sold out until 2018. But theres one person the students havent heard from yet. A pillar of quiet dignity and strength, who everyone admires tony stark. But, tonys not real. So he asked me to do it. This is Stephen Colberts the late shows 2016 commencement speech. cheers and applause thank you. Students, the band, distinguished members of my audience. cheers and applause i have the honor of addressing you today, to share those Precious Pearls of wisdom i have stolen from the sea of experience. As you go forward into your lives and your careers, please, remember to be proactive. Dont wait for things to happen. Make them happen. If you want a certain job, go out there and kidnap the person whose job you want and assume their identity. Get their haircut. Learn their family members names. And never forget that you control your destiny. A full and satisfying life is made up of good choices. So choose to win the lottery. Your future is unlimited. Unless youre 26 and not married and dont have the career of your dreams yet. Then just go with the first person you make eye contact with at the bar. Its not getting any better and lets face it, youre such a great catch . Come on. And take it from me your health is your greatest asset. If you have an open face wound, do not stick your head in an aquarium, because you will get an infection. I learned that one the hard way. Also, the easy way. Of course, none of this will mean anything without friends and family. No matter how busy life gets, always stay in touch with the people who matter to you. And also, meticulously catalogue the people who have wronged you for they will pay. They will pay. cheers and applause let your spirit soar dance like no one is watching, because you never know when youll get laid off and have to turn to adult dancing, and you dont want to work that pole selfconsciously. It cuts down on the tips. Get amazon prime. Twoday shipping, movies, photo storage, you cant go wrong. Remember that it is important to plan for the future. So, have your head cryogenically frozen when youre still young and attractive. Dont be afraid to take risks. For example, im going to tear up my speech and just speak off the cuff. cheers and applause soup. Floor. Person. Other part of floor. That reminds me, always bring a backup copy of your speech. And finally, if you ever get in a jam and you dont think you know how that moment is going to end for you, remember, you can always throw to commercials. Well be right back with emilia clark. band playing cheers and applause intrthe only lemon lime soda with a twist of real juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. These are awesome this is my dream car. Yeah, i like this. Ive been waiting to get in this. Real people have a lot to say about the awardwinning vehicles at the chevy 20 sales event. Wow the design is great. I love it. Number one in my book. Thats awesome if you could get 20 cash back on this vehicle, what would you do . I think im going to drive it through that wall and take it. During the chevy 20 sales event, get cash back for 20 of the msrp on many chevy models. 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Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh she slimed me. Which i probably shouldve seen coming. [ laughs ] band playing cheers and applause stephen you all know my first guest tonight as the mother of dragons on game of thrones. Starting next friday, you can see her in the mother of all love stories, me before you. You wouldnt have those breasts so near to me if i wasnt in a wheelchair. Yeah, well, you never would have been looking at these breasts if you hadnt been in a wheelchair. Of course i would. No, you wouldnt youd be busy looking at the lanky blondes, the ones you can smell with expense accounts from 40 paces, and anyway, i would have been over there, serving the drinks, one of the invisibles. Am i right . Yes, but, in my defense, i wasnt asked. laughter yup. You know something odd . You are pretty much the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning. Stephen please welcome emilia clark band playing cheers and applause hi, hello cheers and applause stephen i really enjoyed our puppy time together. I enjoyed it, too. I really that was amazing. That was like a birthday present or something. Stephen one of my favorite things was, you have beautiful shoes on right now. Yeah stephen and god knows what those things cost. Neither do i. I still have the nick, from stephen oh, the puppies actually tore into your flesh yeah, they went, like, right into it, rawr. Stephen thats incredible. But they were chewing on those shoes. And, i couldnt, i dont think weve even got the budget to replace those shoes. laughter neither do i. Stephen if the puppies ch t okay. The stylist isnt watching, i hope. Stephen well, congratulations on the new movie, me before you. Thank you so much. Stephen im not sure if im totally prepped for it because i understand its like an eight hankie movie, right . Yeah, at least. Maybe for you, like ten, maybe. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen because im water works, baby. At t commercial, and im, like, weeping. Well, you might need more than eight. Stephen well, let me wrap up into it by first asking you a game of thrones question. Okay. Stephen okay, you got very serious. Yes, i know. Okay, tell me. Stephen so, two weeks ago spoiler alert yes. Stephen two weeks ago, you brought the hurt to the cows by setting fire to all of them and theyre merging from the fire since youre fireproof yes, im fireproof. Stephen youre fireproof, your character is, daenerys. You emerged with all your clothes burned away and you could have used a body double but you decided not to use a body double. Well, no. Stephen was that important to you . Well, it just i mean, the is lots of reasons why a lot of actors would definitely use a body double, but for me, it was like, i did it before in season one and people like to talk about it, so i just wanted to come out and do an empowered scene which wasnt sexual. Stephen no, youre kicking ass. It was naked but it was strong. Stephen youre kicking ass. Exactly, yes. cheers and applause stephen youre kicking ass naked. Youre kicking ass naked. Yeah, im kicking ass naked. Stephen your character is a real badass now. If you can do it without any clothes, then youre a real bad ass. Stephen youre doing it without any clothes and without any dragons. Youre just doing it yeah, tell me about it stephen sisters doing it for herself, is what shes sisters doing it for herself, mmmhmm, yes. Stephen do you feel like a badass yourself . Do you have any of that in you yourself . Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. laughter stephen ive got to write that down. laughter one of the things i have to ask you about is that, there was a new character introduced last night on game of thrones. Mmhmm. Stephen and the new character is a penis. A penis on the show. Yeah. Mmhmm. Stephen about time, right . Yes, i think so. Well, i did it. Why cant the boys do it . Stephen thats nice. And it was, like, full on, right . Undercarriage and everything. I think they heard me. Stephen i think so, too. Total equality. Yes, yes, yeah. cheers and applause stephen yeah. There we go stephen i would like to see that emerge from a flaming tent. That would be fun. Well, yes, wouldnt we all . I think that would be a trick. Stephen so, when you walk down the street, do people, like, treat you like you are Daenerys Targaryen . No. No, no, no, no. Stephen people dont walk out of your way, like a queen . That would be wonderful, but no, no. Yeah, no, im basically not very recognizable without the wig. Stephen of course, thats it. Yes. So i look a bit different. Stephen exactly. Well, the eyebrows are a they are a help. They are a help. Stephen you have beautiful eyebrows. Thank you so much. That was the beautiful thing about me before you was i was free of the wig for a minute and i was able to kind of be slightly more expressive with my eyebrows. Which i dont use as much youre like, where are you going with this . laughter stephen no can you wiggle your eyebrows, can you do any of this stuff . Yeah, i can. You can really do it, though. cheers and applause stephen wow, thats really good. Thats very nice. This is what we learn in drama school. Stephen exactly. Did you go to drama school . I did, yeah, yes. Stephen have you done shakespeare, have you done the classics, that sort of thing . Yes. I did all of that. But i was stephen did shakespeare, did all that stuff, yeah. I did it, but i didnt get to play juliet or the kind of, sort of ethereal characters. I got, like, the jewish grannies. laughter stephen seriously . Sus granny. Yeah, yeah. I work too hard all my years to be treated like dirt. I know, i know stephen youre very good with accents. Thank you. I threw my back out with that one, you know. Stephen im from the south southern accents are very south of america. Oh, youre from the south, okay. Stephen oh, you do a southern accent, too . Well, im about to do this movie right now, were all playin southerns, so im kind of in that accent right now. cheers and applause i mean, maybe this is real bad . applause stephen no, no, its good thank you where are you from . Stephen im from south carolina. Oh, south carolina, nice. Stephen yeah, thats very nice, yeah. I can see, like, a probably western, north carolina, eastern tennessee. Youre right there, youre in appalachia. Youre in appalachia. Appalachian mountains, thats right, mmmhmm. laughter stephen no, youre really good youre right in the youre right in there yeah, sure, you get in the pickup truck with me, well go. Sure thing sure thing person . Whos the me and whos the you . laughter whos the me and whos the you . Well, i think its whoever youre interviewing, really. If you ask me, im like, its me before sam and sam claflin plays will traynor in the movie. And if it was sam sitting here, he would probably say it was the other way around. Stephen right, and this is a real tearjerker really it is. Stephen this is based on the book by jojo moyes, right . Yes, it is. Stephen and its about a woman caring for a quadriplegic and they fall in love. It is, yeah, it is the most beautiful love story, really, at the heart of it, thats what it is. But with such an empowering message and a really important one as well. Stephen but seriously, i have to brace myself for the flood of tears. Oh, yeah. Its really, i mean stephen when youre shooting, it is like that, too . Is it like, i dont know how im going to get through the scene, or Something Like that . Yeah, there was a whole day we just cried, everyone me, sam, everyone. We had fun. I promise we had fun te we just saw. That was my happiest scene. Because later on, i stephen because then its all downhill laughter no, its loads of fun. It really is a funny movie. But that particular scene, i got to drive the wheelchair afterwards because im sitting on his lap. In the yes . And i got to drive it. Im doing that because its for control, and thats what i do, and almost took out a camera, so then i couldnt drive it anymore. Stephen but i havent seen it yet because i have to brace myself for it, but what do you think the message of the movie is . Like, what is a life worth living . Yeah, pretty much. Stephen no, no, not at all. Its a perfect message. More puppies yes, more puppies. Stephen emilia, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you stephen me before you is in theaters next friday. Emilia clark, everybody. Well be right back. band playing cheers and applause ugh. Waa. Wow ohhh aaaaahhhh. Find your diet pepsi emoji today. This 4th of july, nissans giving you a thousand more reasons to celebrate. Choose excitement, capability, safety. And get Holiday Bonus cash. 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Weve got a lot of sponsors on this show, but i have to say the one product that really gets this show on the air is caffeine. And if i had another baby, i would name it starbucks. And, you guys like starbucks . cheers and applause i really enjoy it. Incidentally, after the show, if youre looking for the closest starbucks, just go. Anywhere. Theyre everywhere. And now, it turns out, the starbucks has a starbucks app, where you can have the complete starbucks experience from your own phone. You can order ahead of time, pay ahead of time, and i assume, stare at racks of norah jones albums wondering, who buys cds . But this convenience comes at a price. Because according to the wall street journal, Customers Using the app miss the old days of baristas misspelling their names. Its true, starbuckss greatest strength has always been being bad at names. This is the company that named their shortest drink tall. One customer, named aaron rodriguez, told the journal that when he goes to starbucks, instead of aaron with two as im constantly getting erin on the cup or aron. Thats one little thing i do miss when i use the app. I hear ya, aaron. My names stephen and every day my coffee cup has my assistants name on it. What gives . laughter people not anything like my name. People are nostalgic no, no. People are nostalgic for the artisinal, handmade, name garbling of yore. As one customer said, sometimes the barista would include a smiley face on the cup. It makes that trip to starbucks more personal. And when you visit your multinational coffee conglomerate, you want to feel like family look, i understand its fun. But to the wall street journal and any people who are upset about losing the misspelled names, i have to break it to you this isnt anything to worry about. There are actual Serious Problems in the world. Let me explain a real news story that you really should be concerned about, in a way that might draw your interest. Right now, in the middle east, theres a terrorist group called isis, who have been taking over syria, and recruiting more and more jihts like twitter. This has lead millions of refugees fleeing to europe, and some even want to come to the u. S. , which has led to a call for a ban on muslims from the republican president ial candidate, tangerine poopbucket. cheers and applause well be right back with Shiri Appleby cheers and applause band playing 4 by 4 those who jump start the weekend. The ones who want to see it all. Hear it all. And feel it all. All summer long. Jeep renegade its how we live 4 by 4 summer. Wait no my computer, no, wait, what are we running after . My stupid, old computer. Well if its so old, why are you chasing it . Well you know. I know. Todays pcs are faster and lighter, i know. So why are we still running . I dont know. You know about it. Now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Oh, charley horse, charley horse. Call for help, call for help. Help, help officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. Is this my car . Ck. State farm knows that for every one of those moments. What . This is ridiculous theres one of these. Sam, i gotta go. Is this my car . What . This is ridiculous this cant be happening this cant be happening oh, its happening sweetheart. Oh, its happening sweetheart. Shut up shut up thats why state farm is there, what a day. With car insurance, for when things go wrong. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest tonight is the star of the critically acclaimed lifetime series unreal. I also want to introduce you to london. She is our super sexy pakistani woman who might have distant links to osama bin laden. No, now she does. Absolutely. Thats what i was thinking. We have ruby. She takes angry black women to level of blinding rage. Oh. Mmhmm. Nicely done, so her with the bikini girl, genius. Stephen please welcome Shiri Appleby band playing cheers and applause stephen well. Well stephen this show is creating this show is creating quite a stir because, for the people who dont know yet, unreal is basically backstage or the bachelorette, right . Exactly, yeah, its like a behind the scenes of how a show like that is actually made. Stephen do you watch reality shows . Absolutely. Do you watch reality shows . Stephen i watch some, yeah. I watch some reality shows. Well, theyre not on cbs, so i cant say. Okay. Stephen legally, i cant say. Understood, understood. Stephen why do you think we like reality shows so much . I think its so fun to watch a train wreck. Stephen yeah, but why do we want to see that in a reality show, as opposed to see somebody write a train wreck. Because your show is great, but its a written train wreck. Thats true. I think its just fun to watch peoples lives fall apart because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Stephen that says terrible things of us as human beings. But america loves it. laughter Stephen America does, but we dont want to think of ourselves as bad people. We want to think of ourselves as, at least im not those people on tv, right . Thats exactly why we liked it. Stephen now, is it true that this show was created in part by someone who worked on the bachelorr that is correct. Stephen so this stuff is real mmm, our show is called unreal, but laughter ive heard from some reality people that it should actually be called real. Stephen well, when you first started watching reality shows, did you think they were real . Sure, i mean, thats how theyre sold and the story lines make sense. Stephen but theyre not real. No, on our show, i actually play a character whose job it is to manipulate all the contestants. Like, i say really messed up, crazy things to them to get crazy reactions. Stephen like what . May i . Stephen sure okay, let me think. Stephen what, are you about to mess with me . Do you want me to . Stephen oh, please, do. laughter okay, so like, if you were a contestant on the show, i would say, stephen, i was at the peabodys on saturday, and i met stephen oh, congratulations your show won a peabody. Yes, our show won a peabody. Did your show win a peabody . Stephen i have four peabodys actually. Well, its so funny, when i was there on saturday, i met jon stewart. Stephen oh, hes a great guy. Yeah, he is a really great guy. And he he pulled me aside, and i dont want to say this, but he was telling me some things about you. But listen, i really feel stephen no, but no, wait, what did he say . Okay, well laughter like, i want to tell you, because i feel, like, really close to you. Stephen yes . But, please, like, i just dont want to hurt your feelings. I really dont want to hurt your feelings. Stephen you cant, you cant hurt my feelings. You wont hurt my feelings at all. Youre sure . Stephen im positive. What did he say . He said youre kind of a slut. audience reacts applause stephen, he actually said, like, that you have, like, an s. T. D. audience reacts stephen well, he should know. laughter but in your mouth. Stephen he should know. Well, if you see that whore ill tell him. Hes my favorite bitch. applause that is how realities work stephen you just took me on a rollercoaster ride. But i would also be drunk on an actual show. Yes we would make sure stephen if i was one of the bachelors or bachelorettes, i would be hammered on cheap chablis for like, seven hours before you came and manipulated me. Yes, we would plow you with alcohol, not let you talk to anybody, say mean things to you, lock you in rooms. Stephen theyre not allowed to do this at gitmo. laughter oh, no. Stephen this is crazy this is, this is what our show is like. Its a lot of fun. Stephen no, the show is a lot of fun, but this is what the real shows are like. And people think that theyre real, the people that are actually behaving this way, but they have actually been kind of psychologically tortured into this behavior. That is correct. laughter stephen congratulations. Thank you. They won a peabody stephen i know just, we kind of glossed over that, but you did, you won a peabody. We won a peabody. Stephen which, ive said before, thats way better than any other award. Like, a peabodys better than an emmy, a peobodys better than not better than a grammy but a peabody laughter no, but its great, because its for excellence, and for doing something new, is interesting, and the show is such great commentary on what we all take as just a form of entertainment, which is really just a form of manipulation and torture. Stephen and abuse, yeah. Its doing great things for you. Yeah, im having the best time. Its like the best my careers ever been stephen well, its lovely to meet you. So nice of you to be here. So nice to meet you too, thank you stephen season two of unreal premieres june 6 on lifetime. Shiri appleby, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause band playing man, im glad aflac pays cash. Aflac isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. 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Stephen and now, with the Television Debut performance of im here from the broadway musical, the color purple, ladies and gentlemen, the tony nominated Cynthia Erivo cheers and applause i dont need you to love me, ive got ive got ive got my sister i can feel her now she may not be here but she still mine i know she still love me got my house it still keep the cold out got my chair when my body cant hold out got my hands doin good like they spose to showin my heart to the folks that im close to got my eyes though they dont see as far now, they see more bout how things really are now im gonna take a deep breath gonna hold my head up gonna put my shoulders back, and look you straight in the eye im gonna flirt with somebody when they walk by im gonna sing out sing out i believe i have inside of me everything that i need to live a bountiful life with all the love alive in me ill stand as tall as the tallest tree and im thankful for everyday that im given, both the easy and hard ones im livin but most of all im thankful for loving i really am im beautiful yes, im beautiful and im here cheers and applause stephen Cynthia Erivo the color purple is playing at the bernard b. Jacobs theatre on broadway. Well be right back. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org reggie are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout your hangups and fears bout to set you right its the late, late show cheers and applause cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, all the way from cairo, egypt, give it up for your host, the one, the only j c