Well, you said i couldnt do it but here it is. Meet abby, the olympic tabby. Bart how did you get the eyes to move . meowing you papier mached my cat . just for the prototype, honey. meows hisses knowing you always hate my first idea i prepared a backup. How about a big olympic hello for springy, the Springfield Spring bart those arent the dogs eyes, are they . Hey, thats cute. Good work, dad. Its fun for the whole family and the ends are razorsharp to protect our nation and its interests. Ow God Bless America hit the road, lefty you, too, rizzo. Oh, cinnamon. Dont make this harder than it already is. cheering bravo, springfield. Ive never seen such a clean sewer. And we are positively inspired by your solar power plant. Love that sun, man. And we will do anything including, but not limited to anything to make your stay here tolerable. Yes, youll be completely above the law. Uh, women, guns, cash uh, whatever you need, its yours. And thats not all. Weve just chosen our official olympic mascot. crowd applauds gasping they picked springy in your face, patty and selma well, we still love you, ciggy. Mmm. That glue really gives it a pop. And now, because the children are our future here are the children of springfield elementary with a song they call the children are our future. Children . bright pop playing children Children Future future are you ready for the. Children whoa, whoa, whoa the future is a. Coming hey, hey, hey children Children Future future. Ive never wanted a beer worse in my life. gasps i love you, honey. Are you talking to me or the beer . To you my bubbly, longnecked, beechwoodaged lover. Children, children children are the future kids bravo magnifique muy bueno. It gives me great pride to officially declare the next olympics will be held right here in. Wait, wait we have one more act. The patriotic comedy stylings of bart simpson thank you, thank you. So, uh, youre from russia, huh . Da you drunk yet . Da. Poland, eh . Too easy. How you doing, germany . Heres my impression of an east german woman kiss me, or ill crush you. laughing he says what were all thinking. Im not thinking that. Hey, swiss miss. Ththeres no missing you, babe. Lay off the cocoa. kids laughing now, id like to say one last thing to our olympic representatives. If there was a medal for horrible audiences youd get the gold. Peace out. Skinner how could you put this boy on with that horrible material . Well, it really did seem funny in rehearsal. And he didnt even get to his ubangi routine. laughing ha, ha, ha. Laugh it up, you punks cause you and jan murray here just cost our town the olympics. Hey, chalmers, where are you from . I. Oh, well, i was born in queens went to ball state then made the move to intercourse, pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask . Dont worry, sir. Ill teach these children respect for their town. Im assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service. groaning oh. Community service . intercourse . What if we refuse . You wont pass to the next grade. I fail to see the threat. Skinner good idea. Now, if youll excuse me im off to vacation at lake titticaca. Lets see you make a joke out of that, mr. Smart guy. All right, martin, for your Community Service youll be setting up a Midnight Basketball Program for innercity street gangs. All right, gang, shirts and skins. Lets hustle gunshot tires screeching milhouse, do you like the beach . Who doesnt . Well, i want you to pick up all this medical waste thats washed up on the shore here. Ow i pricked myself. Well, just keep working. Youll prick yourself with the antidote sooner or later. What are you going to do to me . Bart, not all Community Service is gang warfare and dangerous infection, and to illustrate that point heres where youll be working. The fireworks, candy and puppy dog store . no, no, no. Next to it. Settle a bet boil or mole . okay, just breathe through your mouth and dont ask how theyre feeling. muzak playing zippity doo dah oh, man. shrieks whoa grunts teeth chattering arent you a cutiepetutie. yells oh, be a dear and snap my support hose to my girdle. shuddering 2 00 recreation time. Phew. Saved by the bell. Where do you think youre going . gulps oh, no, lis. They got you, too . What are you talking about . Ive been volunteering here for a year. Lets hear some numbers. I got a nice diagonal going here. B3. You sunk my battleship. laughing g52. You sunk my battleship. laughing oh, i got a bingo what do i win . A banana a whole one . yep. Thats the prize . A banana . Their natural mushiness prevents choking and promotes regularity. Theyre not babies, lisa. Give them something fun, like cigars or booze. We tried giving them eggnog at christmas but it led to widespread deshawling. Thats what they get for wearing such tight, little shawls. Oh okay, 4 00 nap time. all snoring you tell them when to sleep . Shh. Dont wake them. vacuum whirring while they sleep we suck up excess dirt and crumbs. Heremake sure you get into every crevice. Cool grandpa. Homer. Grandpa. Homer. Dont play with the faces. all munching so, bart, how was your first day of forced volunteerism . That place sucks the nurses dont let grandpa do anything. They practically chew his food for him. Lucky stiff. Im working my ass off here. Good steak, honey. The elderly arent like you or me, bart. They thrive on consistency, predictability and a life with no surprises. Sounds good to me. doorbell ringing ill get it delivery for homer simpson. Whoohoo my springs they finally came but we lost the olympics to shelbyville. Yeah, but i should have no problem selling a thousand springs. To who . Idiots. Ooh, these are fun toh, rhett. Oh, rhett, where will i go . Whatll i do . Frankly, my dear, i love you. Lets remarry. Oh, what a lovely ending. Thats sweet. They cut out the best word didnt that movie used to have a war in it . Come on. Get up youve been warned. Picture yourself on a beautiful sailboat. tape playing ocean noises ah, cant you just feel the sea breeze in your hair . Or scalps . Say, i hear a foghorn. imitating foghorn booooring. Bart, we dont want to overstimulate these people. They just had pudding. doorbell ringing hello, little girl. Is your mommy home . Youll need to ask her for five dollars to buy mr. Bouncy bestfriend i know you. Your little smartmouthedy cost this town the olympics. Man who is it, mother . Bart simpsons father. Oh, ill be right down. footsteps on stairs ow unh ow unh ow unh ow unh ow unh ow unh homer boy, lenny you sure look hungry. Have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow my eye ow ow ow laughing now, if you want to be the life of the party like lenny here just place your order for this hilarious novelty item. Homer, get out of here. Boy, moe, you sure look angry. Here, have some nuts. Hey, thanks. Ow god, my eye get it out geez ow ow dont pull dont pull i said dont pull. Dont. Now were pulling into port. gasps and whos waiting for us at the dock . Why, its all your childhood dogs. I see petey and blackie and schnoodle and. Oh, no pirates pirates . Ahoy, mateys, its me long bart silver and im going to rip you a new i. V. Hole. frightened gasps bart, what are you doing . Im just trying to liven things up around here. These people need to ride motorcycles and play rockin electric guitars like the old people on tv. Excuse me, but when those pirates boarded i swallowed my wedding ring for safekeeping. Get me some ipecac. Id like to expunge it. Okay, shes gone lets break out of here and have fun. all mumbling but if i get up, somebodyll take my chair. Got that right. Its the only one left with padding. All in hushed tones padding. What about you, chief . Dont you want to be free like the eagle . Oh, i dont live here. Im just dropping off indian casino pamphlets. Vote yes on prop 217. grunts you know, the door was open chief breakeverything come on, people you dont want to stay in a place where they vacuum you while you sleep. They do what now . Nows our chance. Lets go all chattering lets go oh, no. Bart has stolen the elderly. Forgot my hat. cant buy me love love cant buy me love ill buy you a diamond ring, my friend if it makes you feel all right ill get you anything, my friend if it makes you feel all right cause i dont care too much for money money cant buy me love ill give you all ive got to give if you say you love me, too i may not have a lot to give, but what i g got ill give to you cause i dont care too much for money money cant buy me love. Ow todays grass is far sharper than the grass in my day. Bart hey, everybody howd you like to go on a real boat trip . upbeat chattering argh, not a looker among em. Full speed ahead damn the torpedoes whatd he say . Put on our tuxedos . I want some taquitos. Homer welcome to the kitchen of tomorrow. Today marge, how much would you pay for a selfflipping hamburger pan . Nothing. Dont answer yet. Watch how easy it is to flip hamburgers with the help of gods greatest creation the spring now watch this. screaming aah. ohh. Are you okay . Some seconddegree burns, but some firstclass burgers. groans i want you to get rid of these springs. But you havent seen the baby of tomorrow. Tadah now if i drop her, no more tears humming sweet Georgia Brown give me my baby. D it up, marge. Im going to the hole marge i want those springs gone today. toilet flushing you flush one down, it swirls around 999 springs to flush down. Youre not flushing those springs down our toilet, are you . Of course not. toilet flushing 996 springs to flush down 996 springs. 40s dance music playing oh, abe, you dance divinely. I havent felt this relaxed and carefree since i was watch commander at pearl harbor. Aw, geez, this place used to be crawling with russian subs. Now, theres just four. bart shrieks sea hag bart simpson bart, are you crazy . Youve got to get the Old Folks Home to the Old Folks Home. No way. Theyre finally having some fun. How low can i go . bone cracking thats it. Gee, bart, maybe youre right. beeping they dont even seem to care that its medication time. Medication time . hot dog give me give me give me i want some pills blue ones but ive set you free. No more nap time, no more bingo. You can do whatever you want. Lets play bingo. enthusiastic chattering you sunk my battleship. laughter sighs now, smithers you say you painted all your navy buddies this way . Until i was discharged, sir. I dont get it, grandpa. If you guys like all that boring stuff why did you follow me out here . Got to do something till bingo. all screaming how could you miss that huge boat coming right at us . Oh, two glass eyes. pinging oh, its not fair. Im not supposed to die now. Im supposed to die in a foolish motorcycle stunt at the age of 15. Haha youre not dead yet you pudgy little pisher Jack Lalanne Jack Lalanne dont worry. Ill save you the jack lalanne way. all cheering uhoh. This is all your fault. Lets get him. I blame him. He killed us all. I want some taquitos. Leave him alone sure, barts responsible for our deaths but he gave us the most fun we had in 20 years. So before we go to our watery graves i think we should all. gurgling sounds all screaming relieved sighing screaming sighing screaming sighing what the hecks going on . Homers voice through pipe 135 springs to flush down. Ah, what a shame. Not a looker in the bunch. So, you working tomorrow at the home, bart . Well, i finished my Community Service. Ohhh. Right. But i could swing by after school. Ill bring the limbo stick. Hot diggity humming grandpa, stop shaking the harness. How low can i go . sheldon, youre wrong. Wolverine was not born with bone claws. Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Dont you think if i were wrong, id know it . Okay, first of all. Give it up, dude. Youre arguing with a crazy person. Im not crazy. My mother had me tested. Hey, guys. What are you doing here . What do you mean . Its new comic book night. Yeah, but since you and penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yumyum night. Theres more to life than sex, raj. Okay, who had leonard flames out with penny in less than 24 hours . I did. Nothing flamed out. We dont have to have sex every night, you know. You dont have to, but its highly recommended. Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. Its not a matter of opportunity. Were getting to know each other. Theres a learning curve. Whats there to learn . You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy. Perhaps what leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction. Okay, who had leonard gets a floppy disk . Oh, a clever albeit obsolete euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ. singsongy chuckle nothing like that happened, all right . The sex was. Just fine. Just fine . Oh, dude, the fourth harry potter movie was just fine. Im not saying it was bad. Im just saying it. Wasnt great. Okay, when you say it wasnt great, do you mean for both of you . Because we can totally see it not being great for her. Am i right . Oh, yeah. To tell you the truth, i think we were both a little i dont know. Disappointed . Let down . Ashamed . Horrified . Repulsed . All i know is, it wasnt the way i dreamed it would be. scoffs sex is never the way i dream its gonna be. Thats because in your dreams, youre a horse from the waist down. Excuse me wolverine origin miniseries, issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, wed have far fewer of these embarrassing moments. Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state