Tonight maryland was at uconn in the house that edsall built. Thats what we call full circle. Its first road test of the year for the terps. They trailed in the Second Quarter until the qosh does this. Great option. Wonderful option. 41 yards to the house. Were all tied up at seven. Another good option, mo, is whenever cj brown decides to show to sophomore sensation stephon diggs, the first terps get the win. Frank beamer and the hokies on the road at east carolina. Third quarter, check down, 107. Their monster of a quarterback, 66, 250, over the middle, touchdown. Hokies go on to win 1510 n. They beat ecu ten of their last 11 meetings. How about the Naval Academy getting their season off to a bang at home against delaware. First half, how about that, Keenan Reynolds over the middle to Brandon Sanders coming right into your living room, 63 yards for the score. Navy up 230. Later in the first half, though, delaware, theyre going to get on the boardment trent hurly to ryan cobb, 17 yards in the air. Mids up 237 at the half. In the third, more navy. Remember reynolds to lynch. 27yard hookup. Reynolds talks about navy. We knew coming out today we had chance to go 20. We wanted to get out to a fast start. Defense played well. Giving us a chance to get ahead. Ill was a good team win. Im not the smartest guy in the world, but im not an idiot. That dude is good. Hes good. Hes smart. Every time he does something, its like wow. Talk about leadership. I dont know if ive ever been around a leader like him. Another dude is pretty good. How about texas a m quarterback johnny heisman. Johnny football. Johnny manziel. Sixthranked texas a m taking on topranked alabama. Aggies led 140, but this is alabama. Theyve won three of the last four national championships. They pick off Johnny Football there. Theres a reverse and mo just weaving his way through traffic. Is he going to get to the house . Oh, you betcha. How about alabama. Roll tide, they win 4942. At this stage of the baseball season, a season every game feels like a doordie scenario for the nats. Tonight coming into play, they trailed cincinnati by five games with 15 to go in the wild card race. That means theres not a lot of room for error these days. They trailed 51. Now 52 in the seventh trying to rally brice harper. Thats a broken bat with two runners on. Its going to drop. Ryan zimmerman from virginia beach. He scores. The ball gets away. Brice hubbard. And were rallying. Down just 54. Bottom nine, two on, two out, wilson ramos to buffalo. Oh, lines out the jimmy rawlins. Picks it. Its over. Nats lose 54. They now trail by 5. 5 games. Nats lose 54. They now trail by 5. 5 games. How about boy one day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe. That was the day he became axe cop so he had tryouts and hired a partner. Axe cop i will chop your heads off radio this is rockin robin on your 80 dial, music for parking in the dark while in rock creek park. Seriously, were out of gas. So, uh, what do you want to do now . leaves rustle wait, what the screams horn honking you just chopped my girlfriends head off she was on my list of all bad guys. See . Okay, wait wait wait. Her real name was poison poison . And her power was poison punches . honking continues wow. Thanks, axe cop. Thats why i spy on people. Axe cop, this is flute cop, do you read me . Come in. Over. Im sorry to bother you, but, uh, do you know how ive been saving my money to get 100 . Well, guess what . I did it yeah. So i was thinking of taking anita on a little romantic getaway for our anniversary. So. Could you possibly babysit unibaby for us . How much are you going to pay me . Uh, i can pay you 15. Ill be right there. shouts dog barks anita flute cops taking me to hawaii. Isnt he romantic . How would i know . I mean, can you think of a better place to go on vacation . Yes. Uh, so the baby food is in the fridge and the fresh diapers are in the dresser. Oh, and dont mess with unibabys horn, um, as it holds great power. unibaby giggles okay, see you in a couple days. Okay, see you later. Byebye, little unibaby. Mommy wuv you. And dont mess with unibabys horn. It holds great power. sniffs gross she already pooped. coos im not feeding you any more food. You poop too much. From now on you just get one small meal a day. chimes highpitched voice what the heck . baby laughs chimes you know what . I dont like you. Im gonna hide this until your parents come home. crying babies are so dumb. groans beeps, line rings sockarang on the telephone sockarang, im at flute cops house babysitting. Oooh, i love babies ill be right there. Aw, man. Flute cop has the best snacks. So, ugh, wheres the, uh, wheres the baby . I locked her in the closet because she poops and cries too much. Oop, smart. Now lets look around the house and see if theres anything cool to play with. rustling hey, sockarang, look what i drew. I call it magic world. We should go there i know. But how . With. This great lets go to magic world oh wait, what about unibaby . She wont die. She ate a small meal. We cant just leave her here alone. No, but we can create cyborg versions of ourselves to watch over her. chimes stomps i programmed the cyborgs to watch unibaby and to punch her if she cries. crying smacking see . When i have a baby, youre babysitting. Not unless you have 15, im not. Axe cop magic world chimes dramatic music playing magic world is so magical i could cry. Not me, i never cry. Intruders freeze, magic police run gunshot howls grunts gunshots cocks panting we lost em. M. Of course we did. The magic police are the slowest police. Oh. My. Gosh. Look the big magic show is about to start. Lets go watch ive got a better idea. Ah chimes applause, cheers sockarang cool ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed at our amazing magic show this is ridiculous. Where are their wands . And now for our first trick. rips audience gasps booooo. They tore our historic tent maza lapapell babalel laba lell sabba sell chiming make that hole filly well cheers oh, see, now thats what i expect the unexpected. And now for our final trick squeaks babashalell, make 100 appear in every hand. poofs gasps how did they do that . Im saying that rhetorically. I dont want to know. I love magic. Now for our other final trick a thousandpousand papapapapow poofs this is an outrage. booing now theyre richer than we are. We win you lose. Ha ha panting ladies and gentlemen, these are fake magicians lets kill them and good night. chimes ha ha ha ha what should we do with all this money . Buy something that makes something invisible. Yeah, thats a great idea. I know a guy stammers wawawait, i see something i want. Awesome i chubby wubby you ha ha ha ha chubby doll is the best. Yes, he is. Flute cop come in, axe cop. Axe cop, i just wanted to check in on unibaby. whispers im trying, just give me a second. Because youre judging me. You dont have to say anything. Its that look. growls axe cop beeps hey, i think we should go back home and check on unibaby. No. Send chubby doll back. That way we can stay here in magic world and have even more fun. unibaby crying im going to blow this babys head off do it what the heck . axe cop, the computer brains of those cyborgs have turned evil theyre gonna kill the baby come on, lets go save the baby. No, i dont want to were not done having fun yet. pants you are under arrest. Abracahandcuffs. Fine, well go check on unibaby. chimes ahh, isnt this great . Soooo great. Yeah. Its amazing what 100 can buy you, or 100 minus 15. So 85. Oh look, coconuts watch this. playing tune its so beautiful. Oh man, i love you. Uh, honey, cant we just try axe cop again . See how unibaby is doing . Im sure. kissing shes fine. Shes with axe cop. What could possibly happen . explosion, gunfire phone ringing hyah ringing hyah sobs ahhh, stockarang yelps groans what do you want, flute cop . im babysitting. whispers its flute cop. Yes, shes fine. Okay, we will. Bye. Flute cop said we should take unibaby to the park. coos i hate babysitting. door opens, closes electricity zaps are you thinking what im thinking . We should rob a bank . Yes. unibaby crying axe cop growls why wont unibaby stop crying . Its so annoying. Well, shes probably hungry. We havent fed her all day. Too bad. I dont want her pooping. Oh ho ho, i hear that. Man axe cop, axe cop, come in. This is the chief of the normal police. whispering its the chief of the normal police. What do you want . Why are you and sockarang robbing a bank . Hmmmm . What are you talking about . Were not robbing a bank. explosion but i think i know who is. alarm ringing crashing we are rich now lets go buy more guns to rob more banks. Yes cmon, axe cop, lets go get em ill chop your head oh no. I left my axe at the house. What what are we gonna do . wailing quiet, baby this is no time for eating or pooping shhh, shes trying to tell us something. This hole in the stroller, its a cannon. But theres no trigger. Theres no trigger because its a poop cannon. Its controlled by pooping. Oh, we gotta feed her aha ha ugh, fine. Eat, unibaby, eat whirring dings hey, cyborgs look at this present we got you i love presents. The baby saved the day i chubby wubby you coos so, axe cop, do you still think babies are dumb . Of course i do. Flute cop aloha were back. Oh my gosh, we had such an amazing time. This volcano was about to erupt and everyone was like were going to die, but flute cop used his flute to charm the volcano. cooing lets just say itll never erupt again. Did you miss daddy . Did you miss daddy . Yes, you did. Say daddy can you say daddy . Axe cop. Yeah, she said daddy we all heard it. I heard it daddy. The sound in here is weird. Thatll be 15. theme music playing flash popping beeps did you know . Did you know . With me, thinky the owl hey, owl, what do you know . Did you know that thanksgiving comes 15 minutes earlier every year . I didnt know that. Also, i dont see how thats true. Who knew . Hey, owl, what do you know . September is the 49th state. Okay, this owl is sick. Hey, owl, what do you know . Did you know that you cant talk to a horse. Unless its married to a carrot . We think hes sick. Who. Knew. . Dont look at a potato. My cousin is from french. Lets get out of here. Dont go i have one last thing to tell you. Did you know i loved you . Kids aww. Also, the earth is a big sandwich. Owl did you know . With thinky the owl. Thats him squelches all right, gang. The sats are right around the corner. groans but before we take those sats, we need to take the practice sats. Oh but before we take the practice sats, we need to take the rehearsal practice sats. And gang, its no secret how stressful these tests can be. So lets prepare for all that anxiety. Now do this with me. Tighten up those necks and shoulders. students grunting good. Now start nervously shading in those circles. gasps gulps mm. Hey, amber. Is that an appetite suppressant . They look delicious. No. Its adderall. Really . It helps me concentrate. My parents have had me on it since i was a baby who couldnt concentrate on not crying. Nifty. Uhoh. Your minds going blank. Youre no good. Your futures bleak. You got nothing. Nothing well i cant wait till i get old and my memories start to unfold about high school usa these are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at high school usa. bell rings hey, brad. How do you think you did on the rehearsal practice sats . I did awesome. I sat next to the brainy nerdy girl and copied all of her nervous ticks. groans what about you, blackstein . Terrible. I was way too concerned about being worried to even focus on being nervous. You better shape up, or youre never getting into college. How, gang. Is anyone in the mood for some maize . Where have you been, cassandra . You missed the rehearsal practice test. Eh. I dont need to worry about learning anymore. How do you figure that . I just found out im onefifth cherokee indian. And if youre native american, colleges have to take you. Its the law. But arent you like 100 chinese . Oh, brad. Thats just on my parents side. Youre so lucky. Why werent my people slaughtered . Oh man. If i dont get into college, im gonna end up dead like my uncle jack who never went to college and died of old age. Well, if you cant get good grades, blackstein, maybe you can make up for it with extracurriculars. Take me for instance. Im in the singing club, the humming club, the foot tapping club, you name it yeah. Were all in like 100 clubs each. How many clubs are you in . None. all gasp what . Zero clubs . Oh my. No. What am i gonna do . Poor blackstein. Hes doing that thing again where he mindlessly gazes off at nothing in particular. Hey, what are you looking at . Are you gay or something . Because if you are, you should really think about joining my club. The gay club. Call me sometime if you want to talk about how gay you really are. But i dont have your number. Just texted you. phone dings oh my god oh my god oh my god. I cannot believe nico ninja just talked to you oh, hes the biggest fashionably awesome guy at high school usa. This is great. Im college bound. Theres just one problem, blackstein. What . Youre not gay. Well, not yet, im not. But how hard can it be . Mom, what happened to my white dress shirt . You know how we feel about separating colors in this house, lamort. Yeah. Go wash up for dinner. Your mother barbecued some lox and gefilted some chitlins. Sorry, dad. I have a date. Shouldnt you be studying instead of hanging out with some girl . Actually, dad, im going out with a boy. And hes asking me to be in the gay club. The gay club . Isnt that a gay club . Yep. crying so proud of you. Youre gonna have every college in town fighting over you. Hello, ivy league usa. Here. Take my gayest credit card. Thank you. Mm. This frozen sushi is so good. I wish i could eat it with my butt. Thats how gay i am. I thought i had my finger on all the sexual preferences of the kids in high school usa, but i didnt know you were one of us. But i am. See, i cant help but say butt. Yeah, and you do have that pink shirt on which is really cute, by the way. Whered you get it . Integration nation on main street . I love that store. Hey, what are you looking at . Oh, just that girls style. Mmhmm. Well, that is pretty gay. But it looked to me like you were checking out bleep no way. Boobs are the grossest. Well, all right. But youd better not be lying to me. cause if youre not gay. knuckles crack im gonna kill you. Guys, youve got to help me. Nico says if i dont stop looking at girls, hes gonna kill me. Um, sounds like you just need to concentrate harder on being gay . Amber why dont you give blackstein some of your adderall . That would help him focus. Not a chance. Adderall . You take pills to help you be gay, amber . No, you idiot. It helps me focus on school things. This is all i have left, and i need them if i want to get into college. Come on, amber. You gotta help him. Hes one of the gang, remember . groans okay, fine. But just this one. gulps mmm. So how long does it take this adderall to work . Oh homosexuality, here i come. I thought blackstein was just some straight idiot, but i guess hes been gay all along. I know. Hes so dreamy now that hes gay. I wish he was straight so his gay penis could penetrate me. Who does he think he is, prancing around with all those gay guys . Dressed so well. I know. You did a really nice thing for blackstein. You should feel really good about yourself. Well, i dont. Explain that, marsh. Now i have to go study. Some of us have to actually work hard to get into college. Tell me about it. Do you know how hard it is to actually scalp someone . Its not like it is in the movies. You really bent over frontwards to prove yourself last night. So, good news. Were gonna make you a member of the gay club. This is awesome. I cant wait to tell my parents. Be at dantes leather gear and waxing boutique tonight for the initiation. And wear your smallest socks. Hey, those girls arent dressed fashionably. Why are you looking at them . I was just noticing how bland their outfits are. Its like watching a train wreck. Okay. But from now on, the only train wrecks i want you watching are the ones where hundreds of innocent people die. See you at eight. Dont be late. doorbell rings hey, mrs. Lamber. Is amber home . Yeah. Im on the phone with her right now. Want to talk to her . Oh, no, ill just go upstairs and see her in person. So old school. While youre at it, why dont you go pick up some Vinyl Records and read a newspaper . J. K. Rowling j. K. Squared. laughs anyway, i was thinking we should get matching tattoos. That sounds a little holocausty, mom, but i like it ugh, got to go. Blacksteins here. I thought youd be with your boyfriends, gaying your way into harvard by now. Amber, i need more adderall stat. Too bad, blackstein. I only have one left, and i need it to focus on tomorrows test. And frankly, i have very mixed emotions about helping you out at my own expense. But tonight im supposed to be initiated into the gay club. Im sorry, blackstein. Youre just going to have to cram. That works for studying and gay sex. bell dings hey, blackstein. Hold up. I heard you talking to my sister. I got a bleep ton of adderall. Really . How . Ow . I thought they were impossible to get . Well, i cant take mine because i cant drink when im on it. Yeah, i can see that. So every time my mom gives me one, i just hide it under my tongue. See . Aah. Uh, gross. Why dont you just swallow them then fish them out of your b. M. Later . sighs so do you want to buy it or not . Mmhmm. spits gulps siren wailing sorry, son. Buying pills from a minor is a felony. But i needed those pills to get me into the cool gay club. Boy oh boy. When i was your age, there was nothing cool about being gay. Really . chuckles you betcha. Gay used to be something you felt in your front or in your back. And it felt right and wrong at the same time. And you bet your gay ass we were embarrassed as hell about it the next day. I guess being gay isnt all wry quips and singing. Oh, its that too. If youre man enough to be that gay. But ill tell you what gay isnt. Something you just fake to be cool and to get into college. Officer dumphy . The gang is here. Thanks, hot cop. Hey, blackstein. We pooled together all of our parents credit cards to bail you out. Thanks, gang. And thanks for setting me straight, officer dumphy. Hey, nico. There you are. Now get up here and get on your knees. Well do you first. Good luck, blackstein. Were gonna go now because we dont want to see this. No, guys. I want you to see this. Lamort blackstein, i hereby initiate you into the gay club. Wait, nico. I have something to tell you. Me too, baby. You do . I have full blown. Balloons for your after party im sorry, but those wont be necessary. Because im not gay. Oh my god. Why is he doing what hes doing . That morons throwing away his future. Quiet, guys. I have a sneaking suspicion were about to be really proud of what blacksteins about to say. Nico, i finally realized that pretending to be gay disrespects all of you gay guys. And all your gay parents, and all your gay parents gay parents. Just posing as a gay guy trivializes your entire gay ancestry, and all of their gay suffering. scoffs gay suffering . Try sleeping under a smallpox blanket. coughs cover your mouth, cassandra. Your breath smells like a casino. The truth is, i really like boobs a lot. Thats just who i am. All right, for being honest, last night, deep down inside me, you felt not gay. And when our lips met, i knew that the only thing you were really kissing was college goodbye. Well, gang. If i cant get into college then i guess ill just have to skip it and go right to being a doctor. Well, blackstein may not be gay but he is an idiot. Our idiot. Guys. I think the peyotes kicking in. Hello, goodbye. beeps speaking with heavy accent