Transcripts For WTSP The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20161202

Its easy. All you have to do is say watch victoria secrets fashion show on cbs december 5. Do it, Stephen Stephen does this only work if you two take opposite sides . What is it . Look, ill take whatever youve got. Why dont we grab a bite to ding stephen wow, you blew that one, old man announcer it is the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes Lauren Graham and justin long. Live from tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey yeah hey hows it going . cheers and applause whoo please please have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Hows everyone doing . cheers and applause that is good to hear. That is good to hear. Like america, i continue to exist. And with roughly seven weeks until he takes office, president elect donald trump still has a few things hes researching. Needs to figure out, like, what does a president do . And now we know he knows its not going to be that easy because trump surrogate and flesh snowman, newt gingrich, recently told usa today that responsibilities as president , and, according to gingrich, trump said, this is really a bigger job than i thought. What do you know . Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment. And we shouldve seen this coming because, a few weeks ago, when trump met with president obama for his First White House tour, trump was unfamiliar with the scope of the president s apparently unaware that the entire staff of the west wing would need to be replaced. Hey, white house staffers . I know you were kind of attached to the old guy, but thems the breaks. Im really excited to get to know everyone first order of business destroy everything you believe in. Go, team okay . Keep it light dont cry right now, donald trump is in indiana announcing his deal to save 1,000 american jobs that the carrier air Conditioner Company was going to move to mexico. He talked about saving those jobs throughout the election, and he did it. So, trump is keeping his campaign promises. Congrats to all the factory workers, unless any of you are muslims, mexicans or women, because hes going to keep those promises, too. applause jon oh, whoa stephen and were getting a sense now of how trump is going to handle Foreign Policy because, yesterday, the Prime Minister of pakistan called trump, and, according to pakistani officials, our president elect gushed, saying, you are a terrific guy. You are doing amazing work which is visible in every way. I am looking forward to see you soon. As i am talking to you, Prime Minister, i feel i am talking to a person i have known for long. Your country is amazing with intelligent people. I would love to come to a fantastic country, fantastic place of fantastic people. applause now, since this was released by pakistan, we dont know if these were his exact words, but it sure does sound like trump. Its a fantastic country, fantastic place of fantastic people. Home of the fantastic fours. Mr. Fantastic, full of fantastic beasts and where to find them. Okay okay okay, bye. applause trump closed the phone call by showing off some of his Extensive International experience, saying, please convey to the pakistani people that they are amazing, and all pakistanis i have known are exceptional people. Thats not diplomacy, thats your grandfather basing his hey, mr. Prime minister, do you know tariq . Lives in queens. Heck of a guy. Makes amazing shwarma. The best. laughter normally, president s dont say stuff like that because all that praise of pakistan might upset our other ally, and pakistans sworn enemy, india, and both sides have that nuclear boomboompow. Trumps negotiation strategy seems to be telling both rivals theyre his best friend. We are in a new era of teenaged girl diplomacy. Pakistan, i love you. Youre, like, so smart. You are, like, so, so smart. So smart, pakistan. India . Youre totally my bestie. Dont tell pakistan. Theyre so stupid. Do you know tareq . Hes so cute. His cooking is amazing. Seems like every day there is another story about trumps tweets. Its how hes going to comfort us in hard times, his toilet side chats. The good news is, you dont have to read his tweets. Ha, ha applause piano riff by the way, i am not above taking pity applause. laughter ehes dwoingtd dwain the swamp, mr. Twamp. You can unfollow trump, delee twitter, go out into the world and live your life. The bad news is, starting january 20, donald trump can send unblockable mass Text Messages to the entire nation. Jon whoa stephen yes the text is coming from inside the white house get out of there yes, President Trump will be able to send Text Messages to every phone in the nation. The only person i would trust less with this technology is anthony weiner. laughter heres the deal applause heres ow these are called wireless Emergency Alerts, or w. E. A. S. Its the same system that sends out warnings if theres an impending disaster, like donald trump being able to text all of america. Now, youre saying, ill just block those texts. Not so fast. Thanks to the congressional warn act of 2006, participating carriers may allow subscribers to block all but president ial alerts. Yes, feel free to block alerts persons, but if trump wants you to know how he feels about the cast of hamilton, you will listen jon oh oh laughter stephen twump applause its friendlier to say twump mr. Twump, please dont throw me in jail please, mr. Twump . . Please, please dont tap my phone, pretty please, mr. Twump laughter this system has been in place for a while, but, so far, no president has used it. In his eight years in office, president barack obama has never ordered text sent via the wireless Emergency Alert system. Which, now that i know he could have, kind of hurts. laughter at least on election day, he could have sent a quick, u up . I was. I have not slept since election jon yeah, theyre knowledgeable. Stephen hey, im going to miss them, and the studies they do. laughter one recent study found that owning a cat could make you more into bondage, whereas owning a dog could make you more into doing it while a stranger sits in the corner and occasionally barks when he thinks youre hurting each other. laughter i do feel sorry for dogs. Be understood. Stop, stop. I know what youre doing. Im right here. laughter the study found that toxoplasmosis, which is a parasitic disease you can catch from your cats feces, is linked to sexual arousal by fear, violence and danger in humans. So, if youre a cat owner whos ever had the urge to have sex in a tray full of dirt, now you the study also found that after the bondage sex, cat owners are much more likely to present their partners with a dead mouse. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight cheers and applause the Gilmore Girls Lauren Graham is here. Stick around. cheers and applause . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody singing stephen jon, do you ever go out and like on a show night, do you ever go out on a school night after the show . Yes. Stephen because youre a jazz man. Youre a night crawler, right . You have to live at night. Night crawler like the xmen no. Sometimes ill go and write music because i get inspired because i wont know its coming immediately so i will be up all night writing music. I try not to go out and play because i want to give all my energy to the people, you know. Stephen i understand. Thats great. I do, too. I want to do the same thing. Last night, i actually went out with friends drinking till about midnight. Jon oh, yeah . Stephen i did not realize i was going to do this till i was with them, we had good conversation and i looked at my watch and said, lord, have just saying i cant go out on a school night because i end up saying things like twump thats exactly where that came from jon well, its endearing. Stephen indearing . Jon yeah. Stephen endearing, pity, very fine line. laughter anyway, happy to be with everybody here. You guys like fortune cookies . audience yells me, too. Its a guiltfree dessert because you have no desire to eat the cookie. I like any food that gives you a fun message, like when popsicle sticks have jokes on them or when alphabet soup accidentally says boobs. Frankly, i wish there were more foods that you could open up and get a nice message. We need some happy news, right . We need some good news all the time to make us feel better. Why does pt food provide that well, guess now guess twump laughter guess what . Now there is food that does that. Its time for the late shows good news bananas cheers and applause okay. Everybody knows how good news bananas works. I dont have to explain this to you, but i will. This is cheers and applause okay. Hes part of a breeding experiment. Hes half man, half banana a manana stephen and each of the bananas he has on the try contains a message, like a fortune cookie, w except theyre for instance, my good news banana has a slip of paper inside that says, good news if you meet that gorilla who knows sign language, you have something in common to talk about. laughter okay . So thats good news. Didnt know that. Come with me, manana. Anyone out here who needs goodne piano playing ally cat your name . Serena. Stephen where are you from is that. Wayne, new jersey. Stephen thats where fountains of wayne band got its name from the Company Called fountains of wayne. I did know that. Stephen is there anything else we should know about wayne, new jersey . I think tom cruise went to a middle school in wayne, that . Because you dont seem that certain. If tom cruise went to a middle school in my town, i would know because hes tom cruise. Are you a fan of mr. Cruises . Yeah. Stephen that level of response just broke tom cruises heart. He felt that. Would you like good news . I would. Stephen you pick. I dont want to lead your banana. Youre opening it from that end. Youre supposed to. Stephen really . Open it from that end . Stephen i always open it from the other end. How many people open it from the end she just opened it on . Youre all liars laughter open it up, well see if youre right. Any good news on that end of the banana . I do not. Stephen i see no good news you just turned that into a bad news banana. laughter keep going. Keep going. See now youve got nowhere to okay, so read your good news. Good news you woke up today. Or at least are having a very weird dream about bananas. Stephen congratulations. Enjoy your banana. . playing ally cat stephen whats your name . Ken johnson. Stephen where are you from . Mannedville, louisiana. Stephen northern or southern louisiana . Southern, north of louisiana. Stephen john, do you know stephen any connection to tom cruise . Does that check out . Jon yes, it does. Stephen do you need good news . Yes. Stephen would you like a banana. Choose wisely. What thats crazy. Did you pick the right banana . I think so. You laughter applause good news youre just two bananas away from being able to make banana bread. Go make two friends stephen go forth and make two friends. Congratulations. cheers and applause piano playing ally cat stephen whats your name . From . New hampshire. Stephen what are you going in new york city . Visiting on my daughters break. Stephen wheres your daughter . Hi. Nice to meet you. Where in New Hampshire . Newton, New Hampshire. Stephen did you meet every president ial candidate . On the blue side, yes. Stephen on the blue side. Yes, i did. applause stephen how are you feeling, kate . I need good news immediately. Stephen all right, great. Available. Available. Stephen so choose. Only two bananas left. Okay. Stephen all right, see what weve got here. Im going to wake up and im actually in a dream. Stephen no. There it is. Oh, its in the banana. Stephen yeah, we have the technology. Huhoh. Stepheha there . Good news if you want, you can leave m good news, if you have a deadly banana allergy, all your problems will soon be over. applause stephen congratulations thats it for the late shows googood news bananas well be right back with Lauren Graham ally cat playing at olive garden, enjoy our freshly filled pastas bursting with indulgent flavors. And perfectly paired with irresistible steak, shrimp or chicken. Comfort and joy, love and laughter, happiness and cheer. Served with all the salad and breadsticks you want. Bring flavorfilled pairings and your family cheers and applause . Stephen hey welcome back, everybody cheers and applause my first guest is a golden globenominated actress and author known for her roles on Gilmore Girls, parenthood and Gilmore Girls. Lets get and and head straight for the stomach pump. I have to leave in half an hour. I cant leave. Have a plane to catch. Whos going to get back to the diner . I can watch her but you have to be back in 45 minutes to relieve me. I have been successfully eating by myself five and six years. Gypsy can watch me. Thatll work. Stephen please welcome the thank you how are ya . Stephen nice to see ya i dont know what were doing. Audience we love you, lauren cheers and applause stephen they stole my line. laughter i was going to wait to talk about Gilmore Girls but i cant. I want to thank you for my last saturday. We had a couple days off for thanksgiving. Saturday, we didnt get out of our pajamas. We got up in the morning and kept making pots of coffee and eating pancakes and watched the girls in one day. I would live in stars hollow tomorrow. Wouldnt we all. Stephen where is that . Halfway between new haven and our imagination. Stephen well, not only do you have the series but you have a book i get to in just a moment called talking as fast as i can. One of the things i learned is you were born in hawaii, which i me as hawaiian but you lived part of your childhood in japan. How did you get there . My mom was a missionary kid, and her parents were there working, my dad went to vietnam for a year so i lived with my mom in toke. Did you return any japanese . I have been told my first word was hesso. Stephen which means . Belly button. Stephen wow stick or is it just hesso . I dont know what else you would need. I mean, i love japanese food and culture. Stephen have you been back as an adult . Yes, several times. Its an incredible place to visit. I can speak one word to them. Stephen i wouldnt order that at a restaurant, if i were you. Well, okay, so when you went back to girls, the gilmore women laughter nine years ago when the first series ended did you ever think you would do something that would come back to be watched on peoples snoans. You hurt me. Stephen its true, i can watch it on my apple watch. No, no stephen i know the all of us. I think they just released the ability to do that. I think they were trying to somehow make people watch it on a big screen. Especially these episodes. Theyre longer, more cinematic in scope and theyre so beautiful. Watch them on something bigger than a pop tart, people. laughter stephen its hard to get the wide screen tv into the bathroom with you when youre watching it. Thats where people watch tv. What a im in everyones bathroom. Stephen when you went back, it was very emotional for my kids to, you know, see the show again. Yeah. Stephen like, we were not allowed to talk, shut up, watching Gilmore Girls. laughter was it emotion fortunately you to get back into lorelai . It was so emotional for many reasons, but one was you hardly get a chance in any moment in that it was sort of the people who brought us back and we got to finish a story that we hadnt gotten to finish, and this character i love so much, and i was just Walking Around in some sort of i was just like, you, and, stephen, youre here, and thank you so much for being here i was just a freak. I had so much appreciation. Its actually very overwhelming. Im not a person who cries very easily. I cried almost every day. Stephen b actress. Dont you have to be able to cry very easily . No, i mean. Audience guess at times, but myself, you know, you crying is a different thing stephen one of the things people have been complaining way they hold their coffee cups in the First Episode of Gilmore Girls super annoying because theyre empty and physics. There has been a bit of online complaining that at lukes you guys drink a lot of coffee but people online say clearly the coffee cups never have anything in them. I want to tell you one thing, it is a true thing stephen yes there is always coffee in my cup. laughter stephen that sounds like a metaphor. laughter so there really is coffee in the cup . Always. That is a pet peeve of mine. I didnt look at the picture enough to see whats so annoying about it. laughter by the way, im still enjoying im holding it. Drinking it. Stephen i believe you. Im on your side. No, thats a pet peeve of mine, too. When you see somebody carrying luggage and theyre swinging it over. So, no. Stephen were going to get our fingers around this. I love the controversies cropping up. Weve got to be angry about something. I know. Stephen back with more Lauren Graham. Stick around. cheers and applause thats charmin ultra strong, dude. Cleans so well, it keeps your underwear cleaner. So clean. You could wear them a second day. Charmin ultra strong. Its 4 times stronger, and you can use less . . Hi. How can i help . . . Olive garden fills your holidays with new flavorfilled pairings freshly filled pastas bursting with indulgent flavors perfectly paired with irresistible chicken, shrimp or steak plus all the salad and breadsticks you want your favorite things come together at the holidays, . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody were back with the lovely and talented Lauren Graham, author of the new book talking as fast as i can. Okay. Why talk as fast as you can . I guess thats sort of what the show is known for. Stephen absolutely. Yeah. Stephen right, thats the pattern. Do you get all the movie references that get made in Gilmore Girls . I get most of them. Some of the real pop culture ones, like, they know every lifetime movie front to back, and i dont know those as well, but most of them. Stephen mmhmm. Why does luke still wear his hat backwards . And why would he shave . Hes got to be, like, 60 its time for him to grow up and turn his cap around laughter i dont know. You know, i think you dont want to change what was working already. Stephen i guess not. Lets just put a brim on both ends laughter now, you are were of similar ages. You are younger than i but were similar ages. I love how delicately you tried to approach that. Stephen i was just going to say those who are younger than us say you are are you down with the texting and tweeting . Its a different kind of writing. I wrote a novel before this and everyone at the Publishing House is youre an actor who wrote a novel. No one will understand it unless you take to some other venue to explain it. No, im not into the dog faces ane subway platform, i dont know. Stephen as a writer, do you ever give advice to the younger actors or actresses about do or do not do this on social media . Because again people from our generation did not have to worry about putting things online that were inappropriate. On parenthood, in particularly. On Gilmore Girls we were close in age. On parenthood, my kids were young enough to be my kids but they thought i was kind of school. Lorelai. Whatever. laughter but i catch myself giving them real parenting advice sometimes and i was afraid of losing my cool or something, so i created a character called old lady jackson so that i could stephen when you were talking to them, you would go into character . No, no. I would say, like i dont mean to sound like old lady jackson here, like, you know, some person whos not cool, but maybe you dont want to tweet that picture of you in your underwear. I think its fine, you know, but she hates it. I just separated these two different people and i think i fooled them. Stephen thats cool. Im totally on your side. laughter do you have an inspiration . Do you haven author . You say youve written a novel and now a memoir, do you have an author or someone who inspires you . What gave me the idea were carrie fishers books. Books and also an actor and she has her own nonfiction book. Stephen a really unique personality. A unique person. Stephen yeah. And in my first book, woirkd with diane keaton for a short time. I was in the middle of telling her some story and she said, you know, you should write a book, which probably just meant shut up, now. But it kind of just gave me the thought. Its, like, just put it down on paper. Ive had enough. To me. It was the simple thing of someone i looked up to giving me the permission to imagine doing Something Like that. Stephen wow. I cant wait to meet someone like that. Oh. Stephen, what kind of inspiration do you need . Maybe i could give it to you. Stephen oh. How do i live my dreams in a small town, raising a child by myself . Stephen, you rely on family and community and money from your parents. cheers and applause . Stephen talking as fast as i can is in stores now and Gilmore Girls a year in the life is streaming on netflix. Lauren graham, everybody. Well be right back with justin long cheers and Applause Energy is a complex challenge. People want power. And power plants account for more than a third of energyrelated carbon emissions. Before theyre released into the atmosphere. Exxonmobil is a leader in carbon capture. Our team is working to make this technology better, more affordable so it can reduce emissions around the world. Thats what were working on right now. . Energy lives here. . I bow down to pray . . I try to make the worst seem better . . Ive got a hundred million reasons to walk away . . But baby, i just need one good one to stay . I noticed it as soon as we moved into the new house. . A lot of people have vertical blinds. Well, if a lot of people jumped off a bridge, would you . 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Proshield. . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my next guest has starred in everything from galaxy quest to hes just not that into you. Please welcome justin long cheers and applause . Stephen now, im glad youre here, but i was just shaking your hand and talking remember my producer told me before you walked out that you are sick. I thought about not shaking hands. Stephen you can do the roman handshake. My dad was an immunologist. You do that and your hand only touches forearm to forearm. As long as you havent done anything untoward with forearm, were all good. I did think about doing that. A chest bump would have been weird. Hey, whats up . . cheers and applause stephen ow how frail am i . I think you just collapsed a rib youre too sick and im too old stephen home depot . For a home project . That has nothing to do with the story. Stephen you really hooked me with the home depot part of the story. I tried to remove a couch from my parents family room. Stephen you dont have to do that at home depot. Did you get dynamite . I was shoving it in a way that it chipped a paint on the side this is boring to you as a story. Stephen your parents said what are you going to do about that. Yeah, so i had to down and paint over it. So i was buying paint at home dope o. I should have never mentioned home depot. Theyre getting all this free advertising. So home depot stephen i love the story. Youre at home depot. Where is the story going to go . I got a great deal on paint. You was just going to say that. Is this yours . Stephen i dont think we can. So the lady said, oh, youre the guy in the thing. Let me shake your hand. I extend herd the courty that i didnt extend you. I told her, i cant shake your hand, i think im getting sick. She said, thats okay, im sick. She turned it around and made it like i was the weird one for not wanting to stephen she thinks if shes sick you cancel each other out . When she offered her hand, i was the one who said we should dont this, we should chest bump is that you shouldnt do that either. Dont go out in public. Dont help your parents is the lesson there. Thats my takeaway. Stephen youve done a lot of movies. People know you from the apple quest, is called a classic. Do you know whos going to come up to you when you see them . Can you tell which one of the fan bases the people will be . Usually, i have a sense. But occasionally the people will throw me off. Theres a guy a couple of years ago, this massive guy, a bouncer outside a bar, tattoos everywhere. A is samoan, i think. I was at the home depot laughter and he said, youre the guy in that movie. And i did die hard, which is a tough guy movie and i thought he was going to say that, and he said, and i almost said it for him, and he said, he said, he aint feeling you no more. It took me a second, and i said, feeling you no more. I said, i got it wrong. applause stephen you youre in frank lola which has been described as a psychosexual noir love story about love, sex, betrayal, and ultimately the search for redemption. I couldnt have said it better. Stephen you play a low li . A swooper is a guy that kind of hes a guy that senses some sort of that theres a problem in a relationship and he just swoops in. Hes one of the guys that i knew and when i first went to l. A. , i met kids who had grown up there and i met this type of guy who had come of age in the 80s and 90s when hiphop were becoming a thing and they they had a hiphop way of talking. And thats the way the guy is. Hes charming and friendly but a swooper. Stephen we have a clip here of you and youre swooping in on Michael Shannons girl. Yes. Stephen not a good idea. No. Sorry, was i interrupting something . You guys know each other . My boyfriend, frank riley. Frank, keith. Shut up, you have a bo this . This guys amazing frank, what are you doing here . Excuse me . You need your own restaurant. Eah, that would be cool. It would. Thats an understatement. Frank has his ways. Hes just in between restaurants at the moment. Not for long because im going to check around. You know how vegas is. The huge casino joints open and close. You really have to stay on top of it. Ill just get your information around. Stephen are you afraid shannon will ethrow a punch at you . Hes incredibly opinion intimidating. Stephen im afraid to. Yeah, dont. I met him outside the context of working on that and hes a very nice guy. In the movie, hes very intense and severe. The proudest moment, i think, of that year was getting him to break in a scene where i said it was the end of the scene and they hadnt called cut and i just and there was an awkward pause and i said what . And he smiled. He broke. It was, like, and the crew all kind of congratulated me afterwards. laughter it was a selfish thing. Its an adlib. One thing youre not supposed to do. Stephen youre a low life. Yeah. I swooped in on his moment. Stephen well, lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for being yeah, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Stephen pleasure. cheers and applause frank lola opens next friday justin long, everybody well be right back stick around cheers and applause . . . You said youre not like me, . . Look into the sky for a momentary high, . . You never even tried till its time to say goodbye, bye . . Everybody fights for a little bit of light, i believe. . Stephen thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be matthew broderick, Ali Wentworth and musical guest fergie. Now, stick around for james latifah, Morris Chestnut and tracey ullman. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right