Transcripts For WTSP The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20161028

How did you get in here . Im a girl scout. I have skills. Were, like, adorable little navy seals. But im not feeling that adorable right now. Stephen why . Because i did the thing with the cereal and the cookies . I took an oath to be courteous and cheerful, and i try by god, i try. But when degraded like this, i just want to mend it stephen fine i just love your cookies so much i wanted to try your cookie cereal, but ill just wait ill wait till january, okay . Just dont hurt me shes crazy youre crazy im scared. You know what . Im not going to let her tell me what to do. Right out of the trash can. Im watching you announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes mary louise parker. Pusha t. And musical guest the record company. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey hey, everybody welcome to the late show. cheers and applause oh audience chanting stephen . Thanks, everybody thank you so much welcome to the late show hey, jon whats going on . Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. Chanting my name, thats amazing, i just feel like asking all of you to marry me right now. I dont know, there is something in the air. Well, only 12 days are left and donald trump cheering thats such a happy thought. Just hold on, snoopy. Jon hold on stephen but heres the deal. Donald trump is getting a lot of heat for taking time off from campaigning to open his new trump hotel just a mile from the white house laughter cheers and applause i dont know. Maybe we could put up one of those invisible fences and a shock collar like you give your doberman. laughter but yesterday, trump was asked about and had a perfect defense for the ribbon cutting. I cant take one hour off to cut a ribbon at one of the great hotels of the world . I mean, i think im entitled t entitled to it. Which is also the motto on the trump family crest. laughter applause yeah. And his pickup line at bars. audience reacts jon oh oh oh stephen i mean, after all the money i spent on tic tacs, i think im entitled to it. And trump seized the moment to turn the tables on hillary i think its so unfair because, you know, Hillary Clinton goes to see an adele concert last night, and everybody says, oh, wasnt that nice . Isnt that wonderful . She goes, she does one stop, she has no energy, shes got nothing going. She does one stop, and nobody complains about that. Nobody complains when she goes to an adele concert all night long. Stephen yeah, nobody complained, except for bill after she screamed the entire song hello directly into his face. laughter singing hello laughter point is, the election is getting ugly. Or as trump would say, it wouldnt be my first choice. applause i dont think so, folks. Star was attacked on the hollywood walk of fame. Donald trumps star. A protester smashed it with a sledgehammer and then posted the video online. Stephen a lot of people are applauding this, but this is the hollywood walk of fame. As a tv star, trump has earned the right to have his name urinated on by a guy in a spiderman costume. laughter au thats sacred. That is a sacred trust. And defacing public property isnt the only dirty trick the democrats have pulled this election. Conservative activist james okeefe has released hidden camera footage of democratic operatives discussing plans to disrupt donald trump rallies. And the footage is pretty damning. I mean honestly, it is not hard to get some of these bleep to pop off. Want to get into the rally, in a planned parenthood tshirt. Or, you know, trump is a nazi, you know . You can message to draw them out, and draw them to punch you. Stephen so democratic operatives were training paying activists to incite violence at trump rallies. Which is a waste of money. Donald trump alrea d and now okeefe has released a video of d. N. C. Member and man who really should have gone into porn, bob creamer, who was caught on hidden camera admitting he sent a man in a donald duck costume to disrupt a trump rally. In the end, it was the candidate, Hillary Clinton, the future president of the united states, who wanted ducks on the ground. So by god, we will get ducks on the ground. Stephen yes, Hillary Clinton it was all part of operation iqwacky freedom. laughter applause now, we spend a lot of time talking about trump and hillary on this show. But theres a third candidate whos surprised people with his momentum. Sorry, libertarians, its not gary johnson. Im talking about independent candidate Evan Mcmullin. Anybody recognize him . You shouldnt because that wasnt him. laughter thats a stock photo titled caucasian politician smiling in government building. This is Evan Mcmullin, the conservative mormon who, in one recent poll, is ahead of both donald trump and Hillary Clinton in utah. Of could win a state youve never been to. So who is Evan Mcmullin . Hes a 40yearold independent who spent ten years in the c. I. A. Hunting down alqaedas. Leaders. Hes a c. I. A. Agent and his cover is so deep, hes running for president , and we had no idea. Thats good hes really good we didnt know. Nobody knew. Stephen this is the american dream, ladies and gentlemen. A regular guy sees something wrong with the system, so he jumps into the race, and the people rally behind him. Some are calling it reminiscent of Jimmy Stewart in mr. Smith goes to washington. Not to be confused with Jimmy Stewart in its a wonderful life, which reminds us of how watching this election makes us wish wed never been born. laughter now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Stephen i love the beethoven, jon. Jon so do i. Stephen beethoven can be a little spooky, dramatic. Jon almost halloween. Stephen what are you going to be for halloween, stephen i was a power ranger last year. Stephen what color . I was the red ranger but i never left my house. Stephen you got dress up as the red ranger and then just sat in your house . There is proof on instagram to prove it. I put it on but i was embarrassed so i didnt leave. Stephen why were you embarrassed . Stephen but why were you embarrassed to be the red ranger . Because im not a kid anymore. Stephen i love halloween. Please dont be embarrassed. Yeah. Stephen i love halloween. You like it . Jon i love it. Its great. Stephen you know the one thing halloween lacks is there is no really good halloween noveltiy songs. Sure, theres the monster mash, but thats over 50 years old. We need a new i recently took the matter into my own hands. Jon oh, yeah. So, i got together with my good friends, hip hop impressarios run the jewels, and we created what i have to believe will be an instant holiday classic. So tonight, im proud to present the World Premiere of the song youll all be singing with your ghouls and goblins. This is the halloween wiggle. . The moon was full . . It was late at night . . I could feel in my bones something wasnt quite right . . I walked downstairs and i opened the door . . And what i saw set me jaw to the floor . . At first i was scared . . Then i started to giggle . . cause i saw dragla do the halloween wiggle . . This aint ya daddys monster mash. The jewel, the jewel . . The graveyard im about to find out if youre a treat or tricky . . Spread your cobwebs, arch your back and ill stick my hand down your candy sack . . Halloween might you bite on your pillow like its a marshmallow . . Listen up close . . There is a creepy wiggle i dig the most . . Stretch your back wings, make them clap and dont forget to do . Make the pumpkin clap . . Haunt you so hard with my unwrapped snickers. Stick my face in a candy bar . . Turn you around, lick your hershey . . Fun, if you bring your gang . . Be ware of casper and his spooky chain . . Keep your eyes peeled for ghouls and ghost . . Halloweens a treat and i dig it the most . . Take it to the graveyard . . I bring my Skeleton Crew . . Gonna give you a treat because youre my trait . . You dress as a witch . . Ill provide the broomstick . . Trick or treating is about as much as fun as you can get . . I whip out my monster bleep . . And were still wiggling, the halloween wiggle . Jiggle girl . . Just to be clear, were talking about fruit . . But now the partys over and its time to scoot . . So go home guys . . Put some candles on . . And jack your lantern till the break of dawn . Kids are washing. He said hershey bleep . You said hershey bleep . Youre laughing about it. . cheers and applause jules well be right back . cheers and applause i was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden needs a great how. Initiating retrieval sequence. Activating thrusters. Target acquired. Dang it ah come on astronauts can vote from space. Take a break from the election with red or blue tea. . . . I am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. So i trade with e trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. If you watch the show regularly, you know im a practicing catholic. Unfortunately, i dont make it to church as often as i used to, and the thing i miss most is confession. Unburdening myself of my sins takes a huge weight off like the pope must feel when he takes off that huge hat. laughter make a few confessions tonight to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. . cheers and applause standard disclaimer these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. or organ music forgive me, audience you know those little silica packets that have a warning on them saying do not eat . Thats because of me. I tell people i want to be cremated, but really i hope someone puts my skin on a robot. Sometimes i tell people im too busy to read, but really i just dont want to spoil any book in case it becomes an hbo show. laughter not only do i not know how to fold a fitted sheet, i dont believe it can be done. laughter when somebody says, knockknock, i pretend im not home. laughter audience whenever i hear some nerd go on and on about star wars, i want to slap him with my original Star Wars Episode 7, replica kylo ren light saber in its original packaging. laughter applause sometimes on the street, i check my pulse and look at my watch just to make people think ive been exercising. laughter yeah, im in the zone. I read e but i laughter know, audience im sad that obama is leaving office, but im really looking forward to seeing him get kind of fat. laughter i dont like shag carpeting because it looks like someone killed and skinned a muppet. laughter ive only been rockclimbing once. And boy, was Dwayne Johnson mad. applause i tell everyone im a hufflepuff more of a chandler because i took the wrong quiz. laughter i love sunrises because, by burying the body. laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with mary louise parker. . cheers and applause enjoy your phone you too. inner monologue all right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. What . . Aand you got unlimited data because you have directv . . Door its cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data when you switch to at t and have directv. . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . W limited edition cherry from limearita. The bold margarita. . Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, no other eyeexam is more precise. I struggle with bipolar depression, and its tough. It leaves me feeling sad and empty. Le i love. 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Use caution before driving or operating machinery. Being there for the people i love means i get to be a part of lifes little moments. And that means so much to me. Ask your doctor if oncedaily latuda is right for you. Pay as little as a 15 copay. I moved on her like a [bleep]. You can do anything. Grab them by the [bleep] we have to make sure that donald wins this election. No we dont. Marco rubio stands by trump ida. Heres what i believe in. Bringing people together and reaching across the aisle to get things done. Protecting social security. And building an economy that works for all of us. Im Patrick Murphy and i approved this message cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is youre too generous. chanting Stephen Stephen my first guest tonight is a golden globe, emmy, and Tony Awardwinning actress and writer. She now stars in heisenberg on broadway. cheers and applause hi happy almost halloween. Stephen you, too. Do you do the halloween still . Do you dress up . Oh, yeah. Handee it starts now, though. My kids were getting it from the doorman. Dont they have that where you live, like they have the bucket out already with candy . Stephen i dont live in a doorman building. Im sorry, stephen. Stephen ill get there. Ill put some outside your place. Stephen do you still dress up. Last year someone thought i was dressed as me. Stephen they thought you were somebody dressing up to be yeah. They said, shes not as tall as you, though. I was, like, yeah, well. Stephen do you have a costume worked out for this year . This year my daughter and i are going to be vampires. Stephen thats cool. Im a vampire every year. Okay. Stephen its the sexiest of the undead. Right. Stephen dont you think . I guess so. I mean, i went one year, i did mermaid and then i did an elf because my son wanted to be santa, and i got a lot of attention as the elf, i have to say more than snow white or the mermaid. And i was more covered, also. It was a more demure costume. Kind of nordic, fantasy, like north pole, velvet, crushed velvet. Stephen okay. We should move on. This is cbs. So you were at show time for years. I was. On show time. Stephen i never made fun of you for being on lat time. Were going to do our show live on show time from 11 00 to 12. Would you advise that . If youre on show time you have to be at least partially naked. Its also a good idea, are you going to have sex . Some sexual laughter stephen on air, with some punitive tone, a light fondage, makes the ratings. Stephen depends on how the polls are coming in. You dont have to. I mean, you know. Stephen im up for it. Im up for it. Yeah. Now, you live in a doorman building, you said, but i understand you also have a farm you care about. I like that. I care for my farm. I care about it. Oh, here it is. Stephen some people have farms but they dont live there. They take a picture of it. Stephen exactly. This is maple syrup we tapped the trees for this syrup. Thats my daddy on the back. Stephen oh, thats really sweet. I know, and we its just straight out of the tree. Stephen high moon creek. Boil it. You cant just take it straight out of the tree. We boil it quite a few times and filter it. Stephen you cant just stick a straw in a maple tree. You could, its not as sweet. Are you going to taste it . Im so excited. cheering stephen thats damn fine thats good, right . Stephen wow whats that, like a medium amber . What is this . This is the first crop, first batch, so its nice, right . Stephen thats really good. So you birth the animals. I understand you had troubles with some of your goats. You had to get real hands on with a randy goat. Well, the goats are given me lots of opportunities as an adult. I get to say my favorite sentence ive ever said to my children which was could one of you get that umbilical cord off the coffee table . laughter yeah. Stephen yeah, one of the things weve lost in our modern life. It is. I liked being able that dialogue. Stephen yeah. There was a goat. I wasnt pushing for castration of the goat stephen so the goat was in trouble with the herd . Yeah, lobbying for the other dude goats who werent getting a shot. They werent getting any chances at the lady goats. Stephen thats major. This one billy goat was really ravaging the lady goats. Stephen bully or stud . Fine line. Grey area. laughter but in the end i felt like he laughter applause yeah, okay. He went after my sons goat, who i have a real soft spot for, and thats when i really said this is where it stops. Stephen get the gelding sheers. Theyre actually called denutters. I swear to god they are. If you ever have me on again which you probably wont, ill bring them with me. Stephen please do and sit in that chair. laughter it really was my way of i was trying to end list the support of everyone elses support of the male goats. They werent getting any play. The ladies were limping around, bleating sadly to themselves. They were exhausted. Stephen so did you end up goat . In fact, we didnt. I first had to sit on the goat, and my neighbor was holding him down and we ultimately dearmed the goat. Stephen was he that bad . Im pretty good with anatomy, but when it comes to extremes stephen goat time. Exactly. We thought if we could go with down. Stephen do you take the horns off . Yeah, and it sort of dampened his whole stephen because he cant fight the other goats . Because he had with the cover band going, like with the commodores or something. He was shrinking up to all the other goats. Stephen did not follow the commodores met for, but lets move on. When you think about the aphrodisiac, you know, you put a sound track to the goats sort of sidling up to a lady goat. Commodores ow i was thinking of im easy or Something Like that. Stephen thats your goto romantic song . I dont know that i have one at those times when im getting romantic with a goat. Stephen right now youre romantic with broadway. Youre at the Manhattan Theater Club doing heisenberg. heisenberg, obviously, a theoretical physicist. Do i have to know physics to understand this play . No. In fact, i prefer my audience members to be stupid. I think people should be that way you dont know have to know anything about at all about anything like that. Its poetic metaphor. Im very impressed you know he was a lot of people think he mechanics theoretical physicist but that you made that distinction is pretty impressive. Stephen thats all i want to be. applause this is running now . It is. Thats my very sexy costar who is getting lots of lady attention at the moment, 77, making his broadway debut. Stephen wow. applause i know. Hes wonderful. Stephen heisenberg presented by theatre club is on broadway and dear mr. You is available now. Marylouise parker, everybody well be right back with pusha t. cheers and applause . 23rd times the charm. Shhh. clink boom. Yes 23rd time is the charm, cliff. Yea, you showed me. Yes, you did. N. Touchdown Odell Beckham jr. crowd noise odell thinking this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. . . Pepsi. When you ache and havent slept. Youre not you. Tylenol . Pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol . I believe families deserve quality education for their kids, childcare they can trust and afford, equal pay for women, and jobs they can really live on. People ask me what will be different if im president . Well kids and families have been the passion of my life and they will be the heart of my presidency. Im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. . . . . The new ford escape. Life is a sport. We are the utility. . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody my next guest tonight is a recording artist, social activist and the president of kanye wests record label good music. Please welcome pusha t cheers and applause . So nice to meet you how are you . Stephen welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. Stephen first time we ever talked to each other. Yeah. Stephen okay if mary louise stays out here . Yes. Nice to meet you. Stephen pusha, mr. T. , what would you prefer . Push. Stephen push. You probably are the best known for song grindin which has an incredible iconic beat. You hear it coming out of school buses, on movie sound tracks. Lunchroom tables. Stephen jimmy, could you familiarize ourselves with this . . . Right. Yeah. Stephen thats nice. Famous beat. A lot of time i see people walking in movies in slow motion pulling out guns. Like 21 jump street. It happens. Stephen did you k you first heard the beep, did you know that was going to be big . I actually didnt, but, you know, Farrell Williams and chad made the beat and threatened me and told me if i was not at the studio in ten minutes to get the beat, he was going to give the beat to jayz. Me and farrell grew up in the same town. Great beat to an artist not from our hometown would have burnt me up. laughter of course, i made it in ten minutes and the rest is history. Sure. Stephen yeah. Hes going to give up his beat. Stephen you ever had a part almost taken away from you if youre not there in ten minutes . Probably. Probably thats whats happening right now. laughter stephen you also are involved in the mcdonalds jingle im lovin it, right . Y involvement in that song . Because that must be like bigger money than any song ive ever recorded. I think mcdonalds got over. Actually, um, i wrote the rap version to im lovin it. It was myself, Justin Timberlake actually wrote the im lovin it part, and we had to do a rap version thanks to steve stoute, but i wrote it and then, you and then with we got to go meet ronald mcdonald. laughter stephen really . Really . Like at his home or Something Like that . No, like with a whole bunch of corporate mcdonalds people and sponsors. That was it. In the wig . Did he have he had the wig on. He really did. Stephen whats he like off camera. Is he a good guy . He just smiled a lot. He didnt talk. He just smiled and waved. I thought i was four stephen do you have free mcdonalds for the rest of your life . No. They only gave me an acknowledgment. Stephen well, you got a little bit involved in the Clinton Campaign here. Yeah. Stephen there is a little bit of controversy online about this because Hillary Clinton release this tweet. She said enter to win. Meet pusha t. Register to vote and youre automatically entered to win. Right. applause stephen now, people have questioned whether you and hillary know each other because this is one of the tweets thats going on out there, if Hillary Clinton can tell me who pusha t is, ill tell kong i deleted those emails and benghazi was my idea. laughter applause so do you and Hillary Clinton actually know each other . We met eachout snore you met . Via face time and im hoping to meet her i just got invited stephen a little busy that day. No, i just got invited to a party. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen were doing the show live here on election night, and were all going to be naked. Hes going to be nude. Stephen its her idea. Were going to have sex. Stephen a little bit of this. A little bit of this. Its a party man. Animal. Im probably going to miss that one laughter but i will be at hillarys hillary has a lot of connection with the Hiphop Community . Is that real . Doesnt she have hot sauce in her bag . Stephen she does. That means shes a beyonce fan. Thats good. I introduced snoop at the Democratic National convention afterparty where they relegated me to the snoop dogg afterparty. They thought i would fit best with snoop. Stephen did he sing a song . He san believe i can repeat on television. Stephen we can believe we can bleep it. It said f trump. bleep . applause stephen now, one of your biggest issues is about the incarceration rates in the united states. Yes. Stephen do you think that Hillary Clinton will do something about that . Because obama has been one of the most active president s about incarceration in the united states, and the conditions of our prison system. Do you believe Hillary Clinton will continue that . I definitely believe she will carry on that legacy for sure. Stephen is that the most important issue to you . Thats the most important issue to me simply because i feel like thats the most important issue tearing apart our community right now applause stephen and also in many states, it disenfranchises people because based on the cant vote anymore and in some ways youre not part of the political process at all. You cant vote, you cant get grants. Its like you keep paying forever. You know, we have to change that. Stephen thanks so much for being here. Nice to meet you. applause pusha t, everybody well be right back with a performance by the record company. Stick around. Im here in bristol, virginia. And now. Im in bristol, tennessee. On this virginia. And on this side its tennessee. No matter which state in the country you live in, you could save hundreds on Car Insurance by switching to geico. Look, im in virginia. Im in tennessee. Virginia. Tennessee. And now im in virginessee. See how much you could save on Car Insurance. Or am i in tennaginia . It was doggie destiny was mr. Bonejangles expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . Of course not. Hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Constipated . Trust number one doctor recommended dulcolax use dulcolax tablets for gentle overnight relief suppositories for relief in minutes and stool softeners for comfortable relief of hard stools. Every team trains hard. Every team prepares to win. But when u. S. Army soldiers take the field. Its best if the other guys dont bother showing up. . . See if you have what it takes at goarmy. Com team when cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. For a powerful comeback. Stephen here performing, on the move from their album, give it back to you, ladies cheers and applause . . . . . . . My babys got me on the move shes got me on the move . Oh the womans oh so cruel and shes got me on the move shes got me ignoring the . Traffic lights cause they look so stale and . Lifeless i swear id swim to paris to get . Her if i hadnt booked the flight . Yet shes got me wearing snow shoes . Its cold being on her trail . Aint nothing can shake the thought from my brain . Of the way she makes me scream and yell . Shes got me on the move shes got me on the move and shes got me on the move . Shes phenomenally plastic and has a way to call out your . Passion shell break into your home, . Redecorate, then escape to leave you there . Alone clean as the rain passing over . But her eyes fill up with gold never going to love no one long . Enough to find herself a widow . Shes got me on the move shes got me on the move . Oh the womans oh so cruel and s . Thats right . . . . . . . . . . Baby everythings getting dangerous . When youre going faster and faster . She comes home from the bar after dark . And aint a man born that can catch her . Shell leave you slain lying in your ashes . From burning up cash and happiness . She looks like a bonfire in city light . Shes an antidote for this disaster . Shes got me on the move shes got me on the move . Shes got me on the move oh baby . You got me on the move and youre way too cruel . Youve got me on the move look out baby, dont be so cruel . . . And youre way too cruel . Youve got me on the move . . . . . . . . . The record company, everybody well be right back cheers and applause amendment 1 protects consumers from scams, promotes safe solar, and is endorsed by floridas firefighters. So, why are outofstate billionaires attacking it . Because amendment 1 stops their subsidies. You dont have to pay for those who do. Amendment 1 blocks special subsidies ive seen what can happen as the result of hate. My son matt was murdered in laramie, wyoming, in 1998. He was befriended by two men in a bar they offered him a ride home, and when he was in their car, they robbed him and beat him. They drove matt out to the prairie and tied him to a splitrail fence, then beat him some more and left him for dead. In the aftermath of matts death, my family saw the best of america in the love and support we were shown. So when i see the hate that donald trump has brought to his campaign for president , it terrifies me. Id like to punch him in the face, ill tell ya. Ahh, i dont know what i said, uhh, i dont remember. Hes a mexican. Middle of fifth avenue and shoot somebody, and i wouldnt. Words have an influence. Violence causes pain. Hate can rip us apart. I know what can happen as the result of hate, cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be drew carey, claire foy and matt smith, and comedian sebastian maniscalco. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, ll cool j, andrew garfield, and january good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right