Attacks against the United States of america, that you encouraged espionage against our people. [ light laughter ] seth why didnt somebody more likable warn us . [ laughter and applause ] seth israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today, that there is no greater supporter of the jewish state than President Trump. Said trump, absolutely, i love florida. [ laughter and applause ] fantastic jewish state. President trump yesterday held a parentteacher listening session with Vice President mike pence and education secretary, betsy devos. While tomorrow, President Trump is having a parentcreature meeting. [ laughter and applause ] daddy, i want to be in the cabinet. [ light laughter ] no, not this cabinet defense officials are reporting the coast of the United States. Said one u. S. Official, oh, thats my uber. [ laughter and applause ] thats dimitri, five star, five star driver. Reporters are noting the new treasury secretary, Steve Mnuchin was one of the lead investors in the new lego batman movie, in fact its where he first met mike pence. [ light laughter ] burger king is reportedly close to buying popeyes chicken. Wow, burger king must be really drunk. [ light laughter ] astronomers reportedly discovered 60 new planets near our solar system. How are the schools, asked melania . [ light laughter ] a town in new jersey is reportedly changing the name of a road to dick street to make it easier for First Responders to find. Not to be confused with the dick [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] catchier. Catchier. [ applause ] seth the navigation app, waze is now offering dateline host keith morrisons voice as an option for giving spoken directions. But just a heads up, your commute gets pretty dark. Police reported ahead, a woman lies on the pavement, barely alive. Her once beautiful face now unrecognizable, due to a senseless act of road rage. [ light laughter ] turn left. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and finally, taco bell has announced plans to offer a 600 Wedding Service at its flagship restaurant in las vegas. And this is cool, the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Heres the star of showtimes billions, damian lewis is on very excited to talk to damian. [ cheers and applause ] also, hes one of our favorites, he stars in hbos big little eyes, our friend, adam scott is back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from british singer songwriter charlotte oc. Youre going to love her, shes fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] before we get to that. We arent even a month into the Trump Presidency and already it seems like the government is fully engulfed in chaos. And now, there are new reports that trump aides may have had contact with russian officials during the campaign. For more on this, its time for a closer look. Seth you know, its hard to remember, nbut it wasnt always supposed to be like this. When trump campaigned for president , he promised us a much Brighter Future filled with nonstop winning. Were going to win so much, were going to win at every level. Were in and you will say, please, please, its too much winning, we cant take it anymore, mr. President , its too much. Well, the we cant take it anymore, its too much, sounds about right. [ laughter and applause ] but lets be honest, no one gets tired of winning, its never happened. If anyone did, it would be d. J. Khaled. [ light laughter ] all he does is win and he doesnt seem tired of it in the least. [ light laughter ] the only time ive ever seen d. J. Khaled not win is in this interaction with larry king. I want to the house on the water, i want the nice car. I want the nice watch, i want to stay fresh. I want stay clean. You understand . Theres nothing wrong with that, its you should strive for greatness. How did you gain all the weight . [ laughter and applause ] just eating a lot. Seth if only larry king if only larry king could be the one to investigate trump, we would get to the bottom of this [ bleep ] asap. [ light laughter ] but still, trump promised us would get tired of winning so lets see all those wins trump has been racking up in his first few weeks as president. A federal judge in virginia has just ruled against president Donald Trumps travel ban. National security advisor general Michael Flynn has resigned. The office of government ethics says Kellyanne Conway broke the law damage control after the president s tense phone call with australia. Possible security violations at maralago this weekend. President trump pick to lead the labor department, andy posner, he has now withdrawn his name from consideration. Seth in other words all i do is win win win no matter what seth and my tiny hands go up. [ laughter and applause ] now, if youre concerned now if youre concerned about the chaos inside the white house, youre not alone. Nonpartisan National Security officials, and members of both parties, have also expressed serious concerns about what level of dysfunction in the Trump Administration. Former defense secretary and cia director, leon panetta, saying this, ive never been so nervous in my lifetime about what may or may not happen in washington. To have it in chaos like this, to have it in disarray, its a disaster in short. The whole environment is one of dysfunction in the Trump Administration. It is amateur hour right now. Seth to be fair, trumps previous experience was hosting a game show that was literally an amateur hour. And the chaos has clearly led to a lot of infighting. Among trump aides within the white house, as one republican strategist put it, the white house currently has maybe 20 key staffers and 10 of them spend the day telling the media why the other 10 should be fired. Again, what youre describing is the apprentice. [ light laughter ] although, i wouldnt be surprised if most of those anonymous calls to the media were just trump trying to get himself fired. Seth yes, hello, washington post, this is donna t rump. [ light laughter ] i work at the white house and the president has no idea what hes doing, please impeach him and let him go free. Hes very sad, and he misses his gold apartment. [ light laughter ] seth so the Trump Administration has dealt with a series of internal and foreign crisis. The National Security advisor has resigned just 24 days into the Trump Presidency, and fence officials from both parties are freaking out. How could things possibly get any crazier . The Trump Administration is facing new questions about its relationship with russia. A number of officials telling cnn, top trump aides were in regular contact with russian officials throughout the president ial campaign. Now according to u. S. Officials familiar with the matter, both the frequency of the communications and the proximity to trump of those involved raised a red flag with u. S. Intelligence and law enforcement. Seth yeah, it raised a red flag, specifically this red flag. And yes, i know i know the flag of russia looks like this now but it feels like this one is about to make a comeback. This administration is like a really intense Haunted House where every door you think is an exit is just a door to a scarier room. How do i get out of this [ bleep ] place, i wet my pants three rooms ago. [ laughter and applause ] now, the revelation that trump aides had regular contact with russian officials during the Campaign Comes as the story surrounding former National Security advisor Michael Flynns communications with the Russian Ambassador continues to unfold. For example, not only did flynn lie to white house officials like Vice President mike pence, pence apparently was one of the last people to find out that flynn had lied. According to the times, pence was kept in the dark, and did not learn that flint had misled him about his russia contacts until reading news accounts late last week. He had to read it in the newspaper. So, thats comforting. At least our next president reads the newspaper. [ audience ohs ] when he finally when he finally found out flynn lied to him, pence went ballistic because mike pence hates being kept in the dark. He looks like a guy who goes to sleep with the lights on. [ light laug ] about flynns lies for weeks and did nothing. In fact, the New York Times also revealed that several senior white house officials had urged trump to fire the National Security advisor. But the president could not bring himself to do it in part for fear of losing face. Again, apprentice. Youre the youre fired guy and you couldnt bring yourself to fire someone . Thats like finding out flo from the progressive commercials rides the bus. [ light laughter ] now eventually of course, trump did ask for flynns resignation after what the white house called trumps eroding trust in flynn. And yet, when trump was asked about flynn today at the white house, he acted as if he had never had a problem with flynn at all. General flynn is a wonderful man. I think hes been treated very, very unfairly by the media, as i call it the fake media in many cases. And i think its really a sad thing that he was treated so badly. Seth he was treated so badly. Youre the one who just fired him. [ light laughter ] did you already forget that . Soon trumps going to have to start reminding himself of things he said by tattooing them on his body momento style. [ laughter and applause ] but that wasnt even the weirdest thing to come out of the white house this week, despite the Trump Administrations alleged ties to russia, and trumps own praise from vladimir putin. Seth White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to argue yesterday that trump and russia have been anything but cozy. The irony of this entire situation is that the president has been incredibly tough on russia. Seth i dont think you know what irony means. [ light laughter ] irony does not mean here is something that is completely untrue. Thats like coming home emptyhanded on valentines day saying, the irony is, i put so much thought into my gift this year. With all that said, theres an important caveat about these new russia allegations. The New York Times did report that trump aides had regular contact with the russians, but as for the possibility of the trump aides actively colluded with russia to interfere in the election, intelligence officials said that, so far theyve seen no evidence of such cooperation. So, this is not a smoking gun. But it is a gun. Logical question is, hey, whos gun is this . We should figure out whose gun this is, you guys. Which leads us to the big question will the republicans controlled congress overcome partisan labels and conduct an independent investigation into this crisis in the Trump Administration. Some republicans have signaled that they do want an aggressive investigation, but then there are others like kentucky senator, rand paul, who was apparently more concerned about whats good for the republican party. I just dont think its useful to be doing investigation after investigation particularly of your own party. Well never even get started with doing the things we need to do like repealing obamacare, if were spending our whole time having republicans investigate republicans, i think it makes no sense. Seth it makes no sense to investigate . Its not that hard to ask the tough questions. Take a cue from larry king. How did you gain all the weight . This has been a closer look. [ applause ] seth well be right back with more late night, everybody [ cheers and applause ] i did. Nt. Hat . Hey, come look what lisa made. Wow. You grilled that chicken . Smartmade frozen meals. Real ingredients, grilled and roasted. Its like you made it. And you did. Nt. This is how many people were born here. This many are fifth generation. This is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. He keeps the town dry. Theyd prefer it a little wet. This many are proud of what we make here. This is how many will go around bragging about it. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. Hey, leggo my eggo. We send them all over. I dont see your name on it. Really . Ba bam know the rules. Keep your eggo. Leggo my eggo. Okay. This is not a screensaver. Game. This is the destruction of a cancer cell by the bodys own immune system, thanks to medicine that didnt exist until now. And today can save your life. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Our first guest is a golden globe and Emmy Awardwinning actor who you know from his work on homeland and band of brothers. Season two of his series, billions, returns to showtime this sunday. Lets take a look. Is under siege. We deserve it. Weve acted as if it would go on forever. Even as [ bleep ] returns, the outflow of institutional money, and the rise of quant funds have lighted the way to our demise. We have willfully refused to change. In the great expanse of time, we are already dead. I know it, even if you dont. But in this microsecond that we are still breathing air, im gonna fight the inevitable. Seth please welcome to the show, damian lewis, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Im great. Im jetlagged out of my mind. Seth are you really . Its so good. Im high. Seth oh, good. Youve turned it into youve made it positive. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Im still caffeined up. Its great. Seth i want to ask about this because im very happy for you, both with the success of the show, but also you play this sort of Billionaire Hedge Fund manager. Yeah. Seth and in your previous works that ive grown to know you from, band of brothers. Yeah. Seth you had this sort of inthemuck world war ii yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Seth a great show, yeah. Yeah. [ cheers ] yeah. Seth you have the obviously, world war ii, not a great time for a lot of incoming seth there you go. Ugh. Seth exactly. [ light laughter ] i get flashbacks occasionally. Seth and then brody in homeland, not an easy time for him. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Seth thats a great show. No, no. Seth but now, now you get to play a guy whos kind of living it up. Is it nice . Yeah, you know. [ light laughter ] its about time i got myself into a, you know, a yacht and a helicopter and a seth yeah. You know, a couple of fast cars. I drive a couple of really nice fast cars in this season coming up, which im not going to tell you about because it will spoil it. But the cars just get better. Seth now, do you do you get nervous when you have to drive an expensive, nice car . I probably should get more nervous than i do. Seth okay, got you. [ light laughter ] i tend to just hit it, and go. Seth okay. And its really good fun. I try to miss things in front of me. [ light laughter ] seth there you go. Yeah. Seth yeah, i would be terrified. Yeah, no, but seth if you give me anything with a cash value over 200, i start to sweat. [ light laughter ] so, i know before the show started, you spent a lot of time with Hedge Fund Guys to get a sense of the world you were about to portray. Have you talked to them after season one aired . Did they like it . You know, they did like it. Bobby axelrod does some pretty questionable things, but they all seem to be convinced that its based hes based on them. Seth got you. So i keep meeting them and just going, hes me. You hes me. Or the wife comes up, you know, youve portrayed david perfectly. [ laughter ] and davids there grinning, going, yeah, its me. I said, yeah, but did you watch the season and see some of the stuff i did . [ light laughter ] seth they t its like they dont care. They dont care. Seth yeah. They love it. Seth you obviously you know this. The audience knows this now using their eyes you are a readhead, and oh, yup, yeah. [ light laughter ] seth youre very proud of your redhead status. I am a proud redhead. I am. Seth and you as well, you should be. You take issue. You feel like there are some, some fake heads out there trying to get credit. [ light laughter ] well, you know, it was i you know, im going to go out on a limb here. It was never cool to have red hair. Seth got you. You know . Seth so this was during your upbringing, this brought you the wrong kind of attention . It, you know, i luckily, i played a good bit of sports. I was in a team or two at school, so i avoided seth got you. A lot of the bad stuff. But, yeah, you know, apart from Richie Cunningham, there was no redhead out there for us to be really celebrating. Seth yeah. You know . And seth and no one thought Richie Cunningham was the cool one. [ light laughter ] yeah, you know . Just saying. Seth yeah. Just saying. So youre getting the picture. Seth yes, yeah. Wear a plaid shirt, have red hair, frecklesth place. Yeah, so, then, recently, something happened with red hair. Something happened. Like, in the last two or three years, so now there are like photo there are, like, coffee table books of photographic compendiums. And theres redheads everywhere. And everyone suddenly someone whos a little bit redheaded, like, strawberry blonde, theyve been strawberry blonde their whole life. And they go, oh, no. Im a redhead. Oh, no, no. Im a redhead. No, youre not. Youre a strawberry blonde. Seth got you. Back in your strawberry blonde box. Seth yeah. You dont get to be a redhead now, suddenly. Seth yeah, you didnt you didnt have the upbringing. Thats all im saying. Seth got it. Yeah, you didnt seth who are some of these phonies . Who are some of these as a redhead like me . Seth are there any people that you want to call out . Anybody whos trying to get away with it . [ light laughter ] or we know them when we see them . [ light laughter ] well know them when we see them. When you have your next strawberry blonde on the show seth yeah. Ask him, ask him if hes a redhead. Seth okay, got you. And the one who says, yeah, im redheaded. Hes the guy im talking about. Seth okay, great. Yeah. [ light laughter ] seth you mentioned you played some spor i, of course, mean soccer when im saying that to you. Yeah, yeah. Seth just to translate for my audience. Yeah. Seth youre a liverpool fan. Yeah. Seth and i saw you went to a game this week, and you brought your son. I did, his first ever game, liverpool game at anfield. Seth excellent, so was he excited . He was so, so excited to get his photograph taken with coutinho and jordan henderson, and sadio mane and jurgen klopp. And we met ian rush, a liverpool legend. Does this mean anything to any of you . Seth no. [ cheers ] i think theyre in awe. Youve awed them into silence. And i have to ask this this is east coast audience. Seth yeah. They understand. Seth you its a global game were talking about. Seth it is a global game, but heres my question. Obviously, your son has never probably has not grown up in liverpool or spent any time there. Im having a decision. I have a son. Yeah. Seth the teams i like are not new york teams. Right, yes. Seth and im worried about selling him on this place, the teams that he has no geographic connection to. Was that hard for you to sell the idea of liverpool . Well, this was much talked about. Seth okay. In our house. I was going to say something. Im glad i didnt say it. It was much talked about, because we live so close to arsenal seth a london team. That actually a big london team with a big tradition, and a lot of romance not that kind of romance [ light laughter ] sporting romance and history. And actually, when they score on a saturday, were so close, we can hear them. And so, i thought i would give him an opportunity to support a team that i could walk hand in hand with my son, you know, a lump in my throat, a tear in my eye, proudly walking my boy through the streets of london. And i took him to a game when he was 5 years old, and i tried my hardest to cheer for arsenal. Seth yeah. A team i had never supported. And i just couldnt do it. Seth yeah. Its just not the same thing. I went to away here here, to america. I went to america. I came here to film a season of homeland. I returned home to see that my wife, talk about breaking rules [ light laughter ] had bought him an arsenal kit. Seth the full outfit. The full outfit, so knowing full well that i am a liverpool not fair. Then the audience who likes sport, is that breaking a rule . Seth yeah. [ audience shouts yes] oh, my god its taken me five years to gently just sort of manipulate him back. Seth yeah. To support now he supports liverpool. Seth thats fantastic. And everythings good. But it cost us, you know [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you. Seth because the liverpool, as you say, is 300 miles away. And for me to go to and watch a liverpool game with my son costs me, like, 500. Seth yeah. So its like, how often are we going to go . Seth its a very important thing. And the great thing about sport, you should say to your son. The great thing about sport is how little you go and see it. And that will him dear to your heart. There you go. Seth thank you so much for being here, such a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations on season two. Thank you. Seth damian lewis, everybody. The Second Season of billions premieres on showtime this sunday. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] so sorry, excuse me. Let me just get through here, sorry. Oh wow, quite a turn out. Tami. Marcus. Okay, other unlimited data plans havent lived up to the name. But today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. And so do you. Verizon. cheering and whistling thudding man you the man uh, sorry, you need more information. Its unlimited the verizon way, without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. thudding uh, sorry last thing. Its just 45 per line. Hd video included. Forty. Five. thudding man all right and that is all the microphones that i have. Not just unlimited. Verizon unlimited. Wow, how am i going to get this home . Sometimes you capture the moment. And sometimes, it captures you. Marriott now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts. Wecagefree eggs. Ng and we care about amazing taste. Because at hellmanns, were on the side of food. Classic hersheys outside. With a new creamy, crunchy inside. New hersheys cookie layer crunch. Classic reimagined. For the first time ever. G to the next level, at olive garden. Never ending classics starting at 11. 99. Switch it up between never ending helpings of your most loved classic dishes. Because the best things in life should be never ending. At olive garden. All right . How do you become americas bestselling brand . Ooohhh yeah. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Im breating, lets go. You make it protective. Can you go a little faster . Just trying to be safe. You make it hard working. Hey guys. You make it so everyones happy. Going further to make life better. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] drums, from the Grammy Nominated band, mastodon whose upcoming record, emperor of sand is set for a march 31st release, brann dailor, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thanks you so much for being here, brann. Thanks for having me. Our next guest is a talented actor you know from shows such as party down and parks and recreation. He stars along side Reese Witherspoon in the Upcoming Limited series, big little lies, which premiers sunday night on hbo. Lets take a look. Have you lost your mind . No. Im never out of my mind. I dont get to be crazy, madeline. Im stable, im grounded, good old steady eddie, thats me. Wow. Where is this coming from . Its coming from the fact you dont really seem to adore me. That youre rarely interested in having sex but specifically today, its coming from your constant carrying on about nathan and his seemingly perfect life, which tells me that you are far from satisfied with your please welcome back to the show, our friend, adam scott, everybody [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you. Seth so good to have you here. A nice cheery clip to show. Comedy show. Seth its a light show. Yeah. Seth this is a 7episode limited series. Thats right. Seth this is tells the entire story in one. Yes. Seth and its kind of nice. I feel like when you have limited things you can get an incredible cast because theyre not committing to something that could go on forever. Yeah. Seth and so this is nicole kidman, this is zoe kravitz, Shailene Woodly and Reese Witherspoon, who plays laura dern too. Seth laura dern. Like, its crazy. Seth and Reese Witherspoon plays your wife. How was it working with her . It was so it was amazing. Thats like everyone says about when you know, in like pres say like, it was amazing. And it was so gross, but it really was. Seth yeah. And also, you know, shes like a person, shes a beloved actor. Everyone knows how great Reese Weatherspoon was. But then, youre there and youre actually like working with her and doing scenes with her. And i just would get like caught up watching her, it just felt i was watching like a really great Reese Witherspoon movie. Seth right. And im like, my god, shes extraordinary, she has of course she has an oscar sitting at home. This is amazing. And now its time for me to say my line, and i would [ bleep ] everyting up. [ laughter ] but she really was and is great. In this show, shes amazing. Seth you couldnt help notice you have a very nice beard. Oh, thank you. Seth the beard was your idea . It was my idea. Seth you brought the beard to the character . It was my one contribution, to the show, just doing something where. Seth Reese Witherspoon brought her incredible acting talents, and then adam scott grew a face hair. He did something where all i had to do was sit there for a month and a half. [ light laughter ] yeah, cause i grew up in the show takes place in monterey and i grew up in santa cruz, which is right nearby. So i insisted to the director that, you know, i know this guy, he works at home. Hes a stayathome dad, i know this guy has a beard and he wears fleece vests. Like, that was what i insisted on. Seth got it. Then, you know, we shot the show for six months and i was stuck with this giant beard the whole time. Seth and does that mean you will never go back to beards . Was the beard uncomfortable . No, no. It was a very it was huge. After a while, it just everywhere where i would lay down, there would be a layer of pubes wherever i laid my head. [ laughter ] seth thats not great. cause if you wake up and forget you have a beard, youre like, what happened . Whose groin was on my pillow . Seth i want to talk about your how old are your kids now . Eight and ten. Seth eight and ten. So theyre developing taste. They like comedy. They like comedy, yeah. Seth you are yet you are having trouble selling them on your work . Theyre like theyre of the age now where getting into like, theyre super into the good place. Which is a great show. Seth fantastic, ted danson, kristen bell. Superstore. Seth yeah. Superstore. Fantastic. They love these shows. And im kind of always like, hey, guys, you know what would fit perfectly into that like, comedy tfecta is a little show called parks and rec. Seth yeah. [ cheers ] thank you. Seth i would argue if you watch the good place and superstore on hulu, it would tell you, you would like parks and rec. Oh yeah, its front and center on hulu. Seth yeah. And thats where they watch all these shows. And so i suggest it and theyre just like, not really, it doesnt feel right, right now. Lets watch this episode of good place again instead. Like, i popped up on the good place, cause Mike Schur Seth same creator. Yeah, yeah. Seth our friend. And they saw me on it and they kind of like, whoa, what i was like, well thats my friend, like i did that like, were friends and so i go, and theyre like, huh . [ laughter ] looking at me like, there might be something here. But still no parks and rec. Seth no parks and rec. You are very vocal politically. You have gone to some of these very robust protests in the days since the election, and you brought your kids. I have a photo of your daughter, this is the older of the two . Younger. Shes eight. Seth younger, okay. This is your 8yearold. Shes very stoic in this photo, which goes very well with the sign, which, i really like that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth but i like the signs jokey but the problems are real. Shes not shes not having any of it. Seth you made the point that its actually because trump sort of talks uses the vocabulary and emotions of a child often. Yeah. Seth its kind of easy to talk to your children about him . Yeah, its crazy, like people do make that analogy, trump, hes like a kid, hes like a spoiled kid. I always felt it was kind of a lazy analogy just because theres something more nefarious going on than that, i think. But like, my kids, we didnt make them to go to this march. They asked if they could go. Because i think its important to realize the things that donald trump is doing and saying and the policies hes proposing or the executive orders hes signing, are so kind of, mean and unwise, and ridiculous on an elementary level, that my eight and 10yearolds independently can surmise and just go, no, no. I want to register my complaint with the u. S. Government. [ cheers and applause ] and im very proud of them for that, but it also kind of just reinforces my belief that hes irredeemable piece of garbage. Seth please dont ruin it for me, please, please dont penmanship. Thank you, thank you. I wish i could. Seth thats a parents job. Thats my writing. It does look like an Elementary School student. Seth you have the handwriting of an excellent Elementary School penman. Yep. Thats right. Seth thank you so much for being here. Always great to see you. Thanks. Seth adam scott, everybody. Big little lies premiers sunday on hbo. Well be back with more on late night. 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The moto z with moto mods. Get a moto z play droid for only 5 mo. No tradein required. Are they fighting here . Whatever it is. Its hunting. The great wall. Rated pg13. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back. So as we mentioned on the show, donald trump has been signing numerous executive orders rolling back several obama like i said, donald trump issued several executive im sorry, everybody, this is ben warheit, hes one of my writers. Ben, what are you doing . Im wearing a wire. Seth what . Ive been wearing a wire. Ive been wearing a wire. Im wearing a wire, its a recording device. Ive been secretly recording conversations with members of the staff. Im wearing a wire. [ light laughter ] seth why . Why does any wear a wire seth, im a rat. Im a dirty little rat. Filthy. Im working with the feds, man. Seth yeah, well, i just dont think anyone here has anything to hide. Oh, is that right . Well, then i guess you wouldnt mind hearing some of this juicy stuff. Seth i guess not. Okay. Alright, well, you know, the first person i wore a wire around was paul. Oh, hey, ben. Remember when we were chatting in the bathroom last week . No. Paul, you can come clean now, or we can go to the tape. I dont know what youre talking about. Sad. All right. Hey, paul. Its me, ben. Did you see the big game . Oh hey, ben, yeah, pretty good big game. How was the rest of your weekend . Pretty good. I installed a new speaker system, i committed Armed Robbery, and i made a wonderful lasagna. What was that thing you said before lasagna . The speaker system . The Armed Robbery . Oh yeah, i robbed a liquor store with a gun. I had my reasons. What were your reasons . I wanted the liquor but i didnt want to pay. Hey, wait, youre not wearing a wire, are you . I am wearing a wire. I should have known you were wearing a wire. Yeah, you should have, and w youre under arrest you son of a bitch book em, boys. Get the [ bleep ] take me to the bathroom seth whats going on . Now, do you believe me seth . Seth i never didnt believe you, i just didnt understand why you were doing it. Well, i did it because im a dirty, no good, disgusting, filthy rat, seth. My home is the sewer. Okay . Im taking everything rotten down there and youre going to come down there and live with me. Starting with our cue card guy, wally. Got anything to say . [ light laughter ] wally . Nope. Oh, nothing about say, maybe, something you said, maybe in a restroom, to maybe to someone who was wearing a wire . Nope. Poor wally. All right. Hey, wally. Hey, ben. You catch the big game last night . No. I was busy murdering seven people. Thats a lot of people, wally. Not if you know how to do it. How did you do it, wally . Well, did you see that movie, jaws . You ate them . No i just invited them over to watch jaws and then, oh, yeah, i guess i did eat them. Hey, speaking of people, are you planning to go to seths Birthday Party . No way, im not hanging out with seth. That dudes got a bad case of twd. Tiny weiner disease. When i say tiny, i mean like this. See ya, wally. Wow there it all is. Well, i guess my cue card days are over. Ive just got one question, why did you do it, ben . Because im a stinking, no good, filthy, cheese eating rat, wally. Im such a rat i might just move to paris, and help a young kitchen boy become the greatest chef who ever lived. And now youre going to jail, so book em, boys seth i got a show to do. Oh, okay, well, it seems to me like youre being a little bit jumpy, seth. Seth im a little bit jumpy . Yeah. Just a little bit. Seth im trying to continue with the show. Youre trying to get back into things that you maybe dont want to cop to something. I dont lnow, maybe say seth i told you not to do this. You said that somebody maybe, in a say, i dont know, a bathroom who was wearing a say wire. Seth i dont like you anymore. Hmm. Thats too bad, lets go. Hey, seth. Seth hey, ben. See the big game last night . Seth yeah. I could have sworn the falcons were going haha me, too. Seth, why arent you wearing any pants . Seth im trying to show off my huge package. Of course im kidding, as you can clearly see i have the tiny weiner disease. The truth of me matter is i was eating a sandwich and got a little mustard on my pants so now im cleaning them in a toilet. You know youre not supposed to be eatinghe clothes. The Wardrobe Department hates that. Seth man, [ bleep ] the Wardrobe Department. [ bleep ] susan, [ bleep ] eric, [ bleep ] meg and especially, [ bleep ] debra. Her name is donna. Seth i dont care, im rich. Now, if youll excuse me, i have money to count. One dollar, two dollars, three dollars. Wow. Thats pretty embarrassing. Seth yeah. Yeah, it is. Remember that same time we were in the bathroom and you were wearing a wire . Yeah. Seth well, guess what. I was wearing a wire. [ cheers and applause ] four dollars, five dollars, six. Oh, seth, one more thing. Seth yeah, whats up, ben . I burned down a motel 6 last night. Seth wow, were there people in it . Oh, yeah. And business children. [ light laughter ] bye, seth. Seth by, ben. So what do you say now you sick, twisted monster . I guess ive got nothing to say except i guess it looks like like, were all done here now, seth. Like, it looks like maybe this time the rat got trapped in his own trap. And i mean, if it werent for well, how you doing . Seth book em, boys [ light laughter ] i guess im going to jail for life. Seth book em, boys. Book me, boys. Seth well be right back with music with charlotte oc. [ cheers and applause ] this president s day, get to nissan now. And save on a lineup with intelligent safety features. Best truck warranty. Take on the everyday, with six 2017 iihs top safety picks. Its clear why were americas Fastest Growing auto brand. Now, get president s day offers like 0 financing for up to 72 months on 11 models. Or save up to 4550 on select models. Hey, leggo my eggo. I dont see your name on it. Really . Ba bam know the rules. Keep your eggo. Leggo my eggo. Okay. Its a very simple procedure, mr. Diaz. Were just going to make one small incision here, then were gonna go in and remove your 67 corvette. My vette . Its just a gall bladder you dont have. Aflac paying you cash, so you might have to sell that sweet little muscle machine just to cover your rent. More funny juice. But my papa gave me. That. Car. What do you wish you had . Aflac. Ohh, i love doing that. Health can change, but the life you love doesnt have to. Keep your lifestyle healthy with aflac new degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. [ alarm weather. Eping ] [ laughter ] wait for it. [ cat screech ] [ laughter ] [ screaming ] [ laughter ] make everyday awesome with the power of xfinity x1. Hi grandma and the fastest internet. [ girl screaming ] [ laughter ] tonights musical guest is a british singersongwriter who will release her debut album careless people on march 31st. Making her Television Debut performing darkest hour, please welcome charlotte oc, everybody [ cheers and applause ] it wasnt meant to be like this a life for someone else theres a road to the righteous that doesnt lead through hell theres a drop on your eyelid that stays just for him theres a scream in your silence that doesnt let anyone in now you dont understand why you stayed as you wake in the coffin he made you m youre a stone thats been thrown in the lake now youre sinking it sinks in in the top of the tower the devil he waits the devil he waits for you in the darkest of hours we praye i know youve been locked up there with no hope anywhere in the top of the tower the devil he waits the devil he waits for you now you lay in the ashes of the house you built out of old books and matches but you lay there still in a town of black magic and theyre out to kill heres my heart you can have it and you always will now you dont understand why you stayed as you wake in the coffin he made you m youre a stone youre a stone thats been thrown in the lake now youre sinking it sinks in in the top of the tower the devil he waits the devil he waits for you in the darkest of hours we prayed i know youve been locked up there with no hope anywhere in the top of the tower the devil he waits the devil he waits for you it wasnt meant to be like this a life for someone else theres a road to the righteous that doesnt lead through hell in the top of the tower the devil he waits the devil he waits for you in the darkest of hours i prayed prayed for you i know youve been locked up there no hope anywhere in the top of the tower the devil he waits the devil he waits for you in the top of the tower devil he waits devil he waits for you in the darkest of hours we prayed we prayed for you i know youve been locked up there no hope anywhere in the top of the tower devil he waits devil he waits for you [ cheers and applause ] seth charlotte oc, folks. Preorder the debut album careless people now. Well be right back [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to damian lewis, adam scott. Charlotte oc, everybody [ cheers and applause ] brann dailor, 8g band, stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ] carson welcome to last call. I am your host carson daly, and this is the beautiful skylark in new york city. Night we got a good one
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