Transcripts For WNCN The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160811

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I have a slight chance of a stray storm tomorrow but you see tiny chances into the weekend and into the middle of next week and also very it was very foggy this morning. Hopefully, we dont have and now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen hey whooo its hot hey, everybody, up there. Hey, over here, down there. Hello, young man. Whats going on, john . Whats going on, marcus . Welcome to the late show. Everybody. Thats nice. Welcome to the late show. Thank you so much, everybody. Welcome one, welcome all. Im Stephen Colbert, your host this evening. Right now the latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with donald trump. That is amazing. Isnt that amazing . Right now, the exact same number of americans dont want to vote for hillary as dont want to vote for donald trump. Its completely its very i dont know. Does this mean im not sure what this means, what i am doing right here. But it feels right. Ever since the damning f. B. I. Private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We dont know. laughter and now, now, now shes in a dead heat, a dead heat with donald trump, even though in the key swing states of ohio and pennsylvania, and this is true, trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Zero so obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be 3 . We dont know. At this point, theyre matched absolutely perfectly even. At this point, the future of our country is basically, its basically, its a coin toss, okay, all right, so lets do it right now. Lets figure out what it is going to be, heads, clinton, tails be trump. I dont want to know. laughter applause i dont. All right. A little queasy, a little queasy. Of course those polls might be about to change dramatically because donald trump, i dont know if you know this because you have been waiting to get in to the show. Donald trump has made his vice it came down to chris christie, indiana governor mike pence and former speaker of the house, newt gingrich, a Diverse Group if you go by bowling ability. Theyre all over the map. But now trump has made his selection. Breaking news from campaign 2016. Cbs news has learned that donald trump has chosen the governor of indiana, mike pence. Stephen thats right. Mike pence is electric, you may know mike pence from not knowing who mike pence is. laughter but indiana governor mike pence is no stranger to headlines. Headlines like, who is indiana governor mike pence . laughter cheers and applause now, it turns out when the story reported, trump hadnt called mike pence yet. So mike, if you are watching, surprise. Going to be fun. Its going to be fun, i promise you. Good choice. Good choice. Yay pence. The question is, of course, why pence . Well, trump has said for weeks now, he was looking for an attack dog. And the whitehaired square jawed pence might be just the ticket. As aat indiana legislature. Take that take that, medical family leave hey. Hey. Thank you. Im not sure if you are applauding that joke or you just love johnny quest so much. Hey. Though i got to say, trump may not let haji into the country. No, its true. Its his policy, not mine. His policy, not mine. You know what i love . I love conspiracy theories. Or do i . laughter only the illuminati know for sure. So right now im very suspicious about this footage from the International Space station where you can see a white object traveling down heading toward earth moving pretty fast and just as it enters the earths atmosphere, the feed cuts out, this made a lot of noise this week because people are crying coverup. But nasa claims the stream can sometimes be lost due to technical difficulties while Live Streaming from the International Space station. Oh really . Well, what is more likely that a camera mounted on a space station orbiting the earth at five miles a second had a connection problem . Or that aliens have invaded . Its occams razor. Occam, by the way, is the name of the alien race that will applause thats what this was. Thats what this was. I dont know if thats true but it seems like the simplest answer. Now i have a lot of friends at nasa, and i will tell you exactly what is going on here, because i have the inside scoop. The inside scoop is, this is why the Government Cut the feed, its . . . Stephen i would like to apologize to nasa and i also want to thank the fine people of our armed forces, who keep this planet safe from. Nothing, at all. Now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody . . . Stephen hey, everybody. Hey. Hey, thank you very much. Youre very kind. Please. cheers and applause couple of orders of business. Next week, next week we are doing shows live, all week long after the Republican National convention. So you see it there, we make fun of it here, half an hour later. So please join us. And it is going to be a live show. Were going to be broadcasting from this spot from 11 30 to 12 30, so, i dont know who the sponsors of the show are, but my sponsors will be red bull and adderall, okay. I also want to share one other thing. Theres a guy in the audience here tonight the guy, this guy, the guy out there, how long ago did this happen, sir . You actually ran into me in times square. cheers and applause how long ago . How long ago was this in time square . Eight months ago. Eight months ago in time square. You ran up to my car. I had my window down and you thrust your head through the window and you you you did this. laught stephen all right . Thats a really good photo and your phone will be returned to you after security has a good look at it. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here tonight. Ill put that right over there. Thats nice. You know, i forgive you. Showing that photo. You know, as a catholic i often ask myself what would jesus do to fill the next six minutes of air time . laughter well, obviously, for sweeps, he do the loaves and the fishes and walking on the water and raising of the dead. Those are crowd pleasers, but after all i would like to think he would offer forgiveness for our sins. And that sounds nice. So i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. You wonte stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause standard disclaimer. Im not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Forgive me, audience, i once told my daughter i sold a bunch of her Girl Scout Cookies at work, when i really just ate them in my car. laughter audience, audience, im not on facebook, but if i was, i still wouldnt care about your trip to italy. laughter i always get a little sad and paed fries or salad. laughter cheers and applause not only do i not blame my farts on the dog, but when the dog sometimes, sometimes i wish i had more health problems, because the people in the pharmaceutical ads have more picnics than i do. laughter i tell kids that after hes done delivering presents every year, santa gives birth to next years santa. laughter hes not fat, hes pregnant. ht one of my biggest fears is eating something really healthy just before i die. laughter laughter cheers and applause when someone starts telling me about a dream they had, i start having a dream about punching them. Audience, when im ordering at the mcdonalds drive thru speaker, i pretend to yell at my kid in the back seat, so they dont know the happy meal is for me. laughter do you want the shake with that, billy . laughter the airport, i always secretly hope the guy looking at the screen will give me one of these. laughter i once burned a boat just to collect the insurance money, and only later remembered that i dont own a boat. laughter forgive me, audience. For Something Like saying the line wrong that was in the prompter just now, tweet it to me with the hashtag late show confessions. Well be right back with mr. Bill maher. cheers and applause . Midnight confessions. . . Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Y grown. Put some flavor in your break. Constipated . Trust number one doctor recommended dulcolax use dulcolax tablets for gentle overnight relief suppositories for relief in minutes and stool softeners for comfortable relief of hard stools. Dulcolax, designed for dependable relief discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. O dog give it. Sure well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. Z22sjz zy6z z22qzz zy6z y22qzy yy6y band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight has been calling b. S. Since 1993. Please welcome bill maher. Thank you. Stephen im so glad youre back. Now, why dont you put the chair over there . Stephen why . Because were entering on the wrong side for sitting down. Stephen really . Im just stephen thats how johnny did it. Johnny came in over here and came across his desk and sat down. Johnny who . Im a millennial. How are you enjoying the pokemon go are you enjoying it . Pikachu enjoying it, in i havent tried it. Stephen i didnt have a question, i was just saying how much i enjoyed having you on. Great, because i didnt prepare either. Stephen but i really did, the last time were you here, one of my favorite interviews i ever had or been a part of. Like playing tennis with serena williams. Youre a quick. laughter stephen ive heard that about you. I have heard that about you. Now one of the things though, when you were here in november you said that trump was wearing off. He is. Stephen between now and november cheers and applause but now between, you said in november he was wearing off there had been no primaries and i said i wanted you to come back to serve you a big bowl of trump when he started winning primaries. And you doubted that that would happen. What a horrible thought. Stephen a bowl of trump. A bowl of trump is. Sen i dont remember this. Stephen some trump steaks, do you want some trump steaks . Uhhuh. A little trump wine. A little trump wine. Something like that. cheers and applause and of course, something orange. Something orange. Do you want to . Because he won. He won, you doubted he would win. But this is what you do . You find the place where you were right and the guest was wrong and then you invite them stephen its so rare, though. I got to celebrate the times that i am right. What i remember is that when everybody else said that donald trump was not serious about running for president , i always said no, i think he is. laughter stephen yeah. Thats what i remember. Stephen yeah. Are you surprised at all that he got the nomination . Surprised that he got the nomination. Stephen i was shocked, i was shocked he got the nomination. Oh great, maybe you should eat that bowl. But maybe we shouldnt be. I mean, i had a guest on the show who was telling me that actually it is not surprising, because first of all, americans are not logical. Stephen no, were very emotional. And he does not appeal to logic. I mean its not about policy. Its about a feeling. And that feeling is that, you white men. laughter thats what he is selling. Always like, hillary is playing the woman card, that card the women always play by being born female. Stephen but its going to be great for the women, like never before. Hes going to be great for the women and the blacks love him and he is going to win the latinos. Hes going to win everybody. But i do take your point that we have not quite figured out how to defeat donald trump yet. And i think w laughter you know, in serial killer movies, the cops can never figure out how to defeat the serial killer. So they get another serial killer to work with them to figure out how to and thats what we stephen who is the serial killer . We have to find another narcissistic billionaire. Im thinking el chapo. Stephen por favor, amigo. Putin, putin might be a nice person. Putin is a great ally of his. Stephen putin compliments trump, trump compliments putin, its symbiotic. That is all he responds to. Stephen compliments. Yes. Stephen have you interviewed him. Stephen trump. I thought you meant putin. I have not. When he sued me, he kept saying, feud is because i wont do his show. Like i give a bleep if he ever did my show. applause stephen a lot of people think a lot of people say, a lot of his critics say that donald trump is dumb. I dont think hes dumb, actually. He seems like a smart guy who is just using his smartness in a way that i dont agree with. Hes smart in a certain way, i will give you that. I mean he never lost touch with he knows how to brand things. But that doesnt really make him smart. He doesnt know anything. He doesnt know anything. I mean, brexit was a big issue recently. They asked him about brexit, you know, brexit, right . Stephen big fans. Big fans. Big fans of the end of the World Economy out there. Well, they asked him about brexit a couple of weeks before it happened. And what . Okay, sure, it for him. He didnt know what the kurds were. The idea that someone is going to be president and just learning things. Hes like a baby with a mobile over brexit. Stephen fresh eyes. Fresh eyes. applause not the way the country is supposed to work. Stephen were you on tv last week . Did you have a show last week . No, we were off last week, that is why i am here. Stephen so were we. You have a show this friday. Approach . Tomorrow, friday. Stephen thats right. Thats right. Nicely done. Nicely done. Rererererererererere and when we come back, well talk about bills show on friday, tomorrow. applause by iron wine. . We all want whats best for our kids. Introducing mcdonalds new chicken mcnuggets. 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Did i mention he can save people nearly 600 . You havent even heard my catchphrase. Im all done with this guy. Box him up. Z20yoz zi0z y20yoy yi0y . . . Stephen were back with our friend, bill maher. Bill, as i said, tomorrow friday, youve got a show live. Real time. Im glad you reminded me, ive got to leave. Stephen exactly. Well, wait a few more minutes, please. All right, im sorry. Stephen what are your thoughts on what has happened last week . It was one of sort of the saddest weeks on memory, given a change, many sad weeks weve had in this country and around the world. Right. Stephen do you have any yeah, on both sides of it. I mean first of all, you know, im a bit of a cynic. I think civilization is a mile wide and an inch deep. Without the police on the job, you know, that movie the purge, it would be that every day. Without the police. Stephen i believe that there should be a social order and there should be some authority. Right, and without it, you know stephen not an anarchist. In two days would you eat my liver. laughter and it wouldnt be good for you. Stephen yeah. Okay, so obviously any time anybody shoots a policeman, you know, its just abhorrent. And you know, theres no ands, ifs or buts about it, so i dont condone it, but i understand it. I mean, you can only look at so many videos of shooting unarmed black people. Im surprised it actually didnt happen before. So Stephen Kennedy said famously that those who make right, yeah. Stephen and black lives Matter Movement is trying to raise awareness of the fact that this has been going on for a long time and it comes, is paid attention to and then it passes. Well, this goes back to, well, certainly before. But on tape, rodney king. Rodney king was what, 1991 . 92, Something Like that. I mean we all looked at that tape and we thought, how can these cops get away with this . King did, lead them on a chase, they got him on the ground and there are six guys whaling on him with a baton and somehow he gets off. I mean, there is something wrong here that has to be addressed. So obviously violence is wrong on both sides. But you know, ive been talking about Police Culture in this country for a long time. Like i say, we all need the police. I think we respect them, but there is something wrong with Police Culture. And i dont think most policeman are bad people at all, or would but there is that thin blue line mentality where they protect their own. And i think that stephen do you think its different now, do you think its worse than it used to be or do you think that we just get to see some of the abuses of authority now . Well, thats true too. We see it more. I certainly dont think its any better. I think we just see it. And i think the police, kind of like the priesthood, they attract the wrong kind of people sometimes. Sorry. laughter stephen thats allht you know, i mean, i think theres a lot of people who go into police work because they were the person who, when they were young, they had no authority. They were kind of losers and now they want to have the ability to lord it over people, you know. The Police Department cannot be revenge for high school. And we have to weed out stephen are you thinking of a few people . Or are you sort of painting with a broad brush there . We dont know. We dont know. But certainly, ive seen enough i mean, any is too many. And yes, i do think thats a type of person who goes into police work. And by the way, you can eliminate that. There are psychology tests that you can take. Why do you want to be policemen . I think most policeman want to do it for the right reasons. I think most do do it for the right reasons. But i also think that, you know, when they say its a difficult job, it is a difficult job. That you volunteered for. You know. No one is conscripted into police work. Its dangerous, yes. But it says to protect and serve on this side of the card that refers to us, you are protecting and serving. Youre not there to protect yourself. Stephen that doesnt diminish in anyway the tragedy of what happened last week. Did i say it does . Stephen no, but the implication of that when i hear that is that you have to expect that that is going to happen sometimes. No, i didnt say that either. I said im surprised that it hasnt happened before. Firing back. Sorry. Thats just the way it is. And i hope it gets better in this country. It should get better. And i dont want to see any more violence. But yes, i do think Police Culture has to change, to a degree. Its only been recently when we saw these horrific shootings and only recently that they even said, well, you know, this was wrong. Before that it was always, they were doing it by the book. By the book . Well, maybe you need a new book. applause stephen there is some sense of so the funny part of the show is over. Stephen oh, this is all being edited out. None of this is going to make it to air, bill. Were going to stick with the pokemon jokes for all of this. So you know, we said earlier that its happening on both sides. There could be a cessation of a sense that there is a side. And that you have to be on one side or the other side. Because i think that leads to another era of hostility. It shouldnt be sides, but it does have to start with the police stop shooting unarmed black people. And the police stop going for the gun immediately. Again, it is a dangerous job. Im sorry it is, but you volunteered for it. Its like a proctologi g god, i cant believe im looking at bleep all day. laughter applause when youre a cop, youre going to be looking at bleep all day. That is the job you signed up for. And the first time you are a little nervous, you cant just bam bam bam. So i dont get hurt. And again i dont think most cops do that. Stephen do you think they trained enough or well enough. I dont. I mean weve seen Police Shootings where they fired, like, a lot of times, very close range. And didnt even hit the guy. Spend some time at the range. Stephen or be a stormtrooper. laughter you know, i think what happened in this country is that in the late 60s, people called the cops pigs. Which was very, very wrong. That was the mentality. And ever since then, weve kind of been trying to make up for that. You know, we you cant criticize, you cant say anything. Theyre always heroes. Well, they often are heroes but they are also human beings who are doing a human job. And again most of them i think like their job. Because yes, you see some of the disrespect. And sometimes they are disrespected. But to be a cop is also has a lot of perks. A lot of people kissing your ass. A lot of free donuts. A lot of free stuff, you know. And thats fine. But thats the job. Stephen its not a job that i would want to do. But thats why you didnt go into it. And they dont want your job. Stephen they might. laughter its a nice job. I dont know who wouldnt want this job. Its a very nice job. I sit here, i talk to you, they pay me a lot of money. I was just drinking. Youre right, i take that back. They would love to have your job. Stephen they would love to have your job too, because yours is once a week, that sounds really easy. laughter because i have to make it good. Anyway. Audience oh applause stephen real time airs fridays on hbo and check out special convention episodes over the next couple of weeks. Bill maher, everybody. Bill, thank you so much for being here. applause well be right back. Excuse me. I think theres a misprint. Oh. Model year end clarence event. Looks right to me. Shouldnt it be clear clearly. It is time to get a great deal and a reward card on this turbocharged jetta. Gotta make room for the 2017 models. It is a clarence event. 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Aflac like rising copays and deductibles. Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. Com boat blurlbrlblrlbr nexium 24 hour introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. Nexium 24hr. . . . applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. My next guest played omar little on the wire and chalky white on boardwalk empire. He now hosts a new show on viceland called black market. Let me ask you a question. You dont have to answer if you dont want to. Did you ever steal a car for a joy ride oh, you aint no real jersey boy. You aint never joy ride, never did a donut . No, i stole cars but it wasnt a joy ride. Oh, you was one of those. I learned how to drive in a stolen car. Seriously . Yeah. You ever ride in a stolen car . Oh, yeah, i have stolen a car or two. Really . Yeah. Was it a pinto . No, no, one was a yellow taxi cab. Did you return it . Oh no, Police Stopped us on ninth avenue and 39th street. Told them you were the stephen please welcome michael k. Williams. cheers and applause . . . Stephen thanks for being here. A lot of people here are very excited that you are here. Huge obviously Everybody Knows you as omar cheers and applause omar from the wire, chalky white from boardwalk empire but you have so much else going on right now, youve got the new show black market. You are in the night of, lets see, you are in the new ghostbusters movie this friday. cheers and applause you are in assassins creed coming this december. What i also work part time in accounting in h. B. O. I do a little, i do some promotions for them. Busiest guests ive ever had on here. Actually, man, you know, ive been blessed. You got to strike it while its hot. Stephen playing omar, were you sort of, for a lot of people the breakout character of what is already a tremendous show. Did that change your life, playing omar . It did. It put me on the radar a little bit. You know, it was my breakout role, basically, it definitely changed my life. But on a personal level it kind of grew me up. And the times on the wire as my college years. I learned really the business from, financially how to manage my money better, how to, you know, how to ride a character out for a period of time. Normally, you know, it would just be in and out guest appearance here, back to the drawing board. But omar got all this these five years to build. Stephen you got to develop the character. Yeah. Stephen was it hard to let knows my story, i had a little bit i had a break. Up until the wire, you know, regular kid on the street. Stephen were you a performer before that . Yeah, you know, background dancing, do my little stuff. Stephen background dancer. Who for . I background danced for crystal water, technotronic, ginuwine, missy elliott, just to name a few. I used to boogie back in the day. But you know, the character of omar thrusted me into the limelight and you know, i was i had a very low selfesteem growing up, you know, high need to be accepted. Corny kid, you know, in the projects. And so all of a sudden, omar got, you know, im like, you know, getting the respect, you know, from people that would have probably took my lunch money as a kid. So it kind of stephen did you start to act like omar . Did you want to be omar in any way . I couldnt be omar. Know, i wore that, you know, you got seven out of ten people calling you omar with all this, like, admiration. Stephen like people on the street would call you omar . Yeah, you know, the lines got blurred for me. The lines of reality got blurred. Stephen i know the feeling, people call me Stephen Colbert all the time. That was a character i played. All the time. I want to be Stephen Colbert. Stephen i kind of want to be omar. Id like to have those balls. Well, lets talk about viceland and the new show, black market. Youre going all over the world. Of on the shady side of businesses or occupations or certainly pastimes. What motivated you to do this . Why did you want to tell these stories . You know, in the beginning, i got a phone call from spikes office. And stephen spike jonze. Spike jonze, wants to meet you. Like okay, we go meet spike jonze. Basically he just offered me the job and i was like, well, you dont tell spike jonze no, but i honestly had not a clue what the heck they wanted to do with me. You know . And im like, okay, yeah, cool, cool, okay. You know. Stephen like a form of journalism . It is. I have way too much respect for what journalists do, especially investigative journalists, when they go out there and really put their lives on the line and get the truth. I just have too much respect for that to try to just jump into it. So i was a little intimidated. And the first couple of episodes you see me trying to struggle, the o. C. D. Actor in me, i have to learn my lines and look like i know what i am talking about. And i got a reality check. I said you know what, mike, let it go. You and i both know im talking to myself in the mirror. You and i both know you are not the sharpest knife in the drawer. So stop faking it. Just go out there and let people see you learn. Let people see you just ask the question. My mom always said the dumbest question is the one you dont ask. And i just went out there, just being me and letting the audience see me learn, see me get invited into the world. Real and that is where the magic started to happen. You got these moments that you cant plan for. Thats black market. I got to meet a lot of beautiful people. cheers and applause stephen well, congratulations on the new show. Thank you. Stephen congratulations on the new show. I also want to say, you know, on this journey, what you are going to see is i got to meet a lot of beautiful people. Everybody is in pain. And you know, whether were white, black, male, female, young, old, across the world, we were in capetown, lo, was one common thread. No one was proud of what they were doing, breaking the law and living below the poverty line. And if they had an opportunity, they would do better, you know. And that was across the line, everyone shared that sentiment and it just made me, it just, i dont know. I felt, i feel enlightened. It was a lot of darkness i saw, but i feel enlightened for opportunity to share peoples pain. Stephen well there is a lot of pain and darkness in the world right now, thank you for sharing these stories with us. cheers and applause thank you so much. Stephen black market with michael k. Williams is on viceland. Well be right back with a performance by Parquet Courts. Stick around. Thanks, man. band playing . . discover the wonder of johnsons new extra moisturizing bath routine. 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So i got to put my shades on ride through the city as i get . My escalade on . Reputation was made on going through the city . Put a parade on drop off the rooftop . Make my roof drop i got a half a shot . With a tube top with some tube socks . Create, you ignore, do music, i do it all . I got my hand in some cookie jars . I do it all i took a chance . And threw caution up in the wind because ive got nothing to lose