audience laughs i remember once we did a show for a group of tourists from tibet. I came out; he put up the sign. They thought it was a fire and ran out of the building. audience laughs i remember this happened once when i had an american audience too. But anyway, these things dont bother me, the applause and that. Because when youve been in show business audience laughs and claps you know that you. Oh, hello, mr. Benny. Hello, hello. Listen, i mean, what are you doing here . Whatd you bring these things out here for . Oh, i need the scenery for the song im gonna sing. The song, what song . Well, im gonna sing the last time i saw paris. audience laughs dennis, come here. Yes. I want to ask you something. I know i shouldnt ask this, i know. What connection can there possibly be front of a western set over a campfire . Im cooking crepes suzette. audience laughs dennis, come here. You went through a lot of trouble for nothing, cause youre not singing a song. Ive hired three fellows, a trio, to sing. So im not gonna sing a song . No, youre not. Can i just stay out here and eat . Now, go ahead. audience claps you see, he gets applause without the sign. Oh, well. And now, ladies and gentlemen, id like to introduce my guests. Tonight, see three young fellows whose recordings you are all familiar with. The lettermen. audience claps . Its the april rose that only grows in the early spring. . . Once on a high and windy hill . . And the world stood still. . . Then your fingers touched my silent heart . . And taught it how to sing. . Fellas, come on out here. Boys, that was very, very good. Now, look, i must ask you something. Having gone into this business and the trio singing, how did you happen to choose the name the lettermen . Well, you see, we were all in college together. And we were in athletics. We all won our letters. Oh, thats why you call yourself you won your letters. I see. We found that the Extracurricular Activities were the most fun of anything at college. Mmhmm. Dnt you find true when you were in college, mr. Benny . Well, you see, i didnt get to go to college, because at that time, i had to work. Oh. But you must know what were referring to because they have the same sort of activities in high school. audience laughs you did go to high school, didnt you . Huh . I said you did go to high school, didnt you . Well, no, i could have gone. I owned the building. audience laughs audience claps well, fellas, how bout singing an encore, huh . Yeah. [dennis] wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it. Whats going on here . I never get to sing two songs. Well, dennis, if itll make you happy, on next weeks show, ill allow you to sing two songs. Not for what youre paying me. audience laughs look, dennis i dont like the way im being treated on this show. Look, dennis, it doesnt its my show. Im the boss. What i say goes. Theyre going to sing another song. And youre not going to do anything about it. Oh, yeah . Yeah. Thats what you think. Well, look, mr. Benny, if dennis is so upset, maybe we shouldnt sing. Oh, look, dont let him worry you. When i say you can sing another song, you can sing it. He cant do anything to stop you. Now, go ahead. . Wish the railroad didnt run so near. . . cause the rattle and the clatter of that old fast freight . . Keeps amaking music in my ear. . . Go bum again. . audience laughs . Go bum again. . . Hear the whistle blow. . . If you go, you cant come back. . Woowoo audience claps ive seen you do some awful things before, but this is the worst. Oh, no, mr. Benny, i didnt have anything to do with it. I dont know how it happened. thump on ground hey, nick, not now its me i thought so. Get off of here. Missed. You know, its the one thing ive always regretted. I can just imagine what it would have been like if i had gone to college. [jack] you know, the campus life. crowd cheers the football games. With three or four other swell guys. Gee, i hope we have as much fun this year as we had last year. Yeah, me too. audience laughs hey, whats with the extra bed . Oh, theyre so crowded this year, theyre moving another fella in with us. Gee, i hope hes a nice guy. [jim and bobby] yeah. N in. audience laughs hi, fellas. I guess im your new roommate. This is room 219, isnt it . U have your assignment slip . You know, sometimes, they make mistakes. Yes, here it is. That says 219, doesnt it . Well, in that case, welcome. Thank you. Im bob, and thats tony. And im jim. Well, im jack. Im from waukegan. I didnt think he was from new york. Well, shall we flip for the beds . Oh, well. You see, we were here last year. Oh, you mean then youre not freshmen anymore. No, no, were sophomores. Oh, well, i guess im the youngest one in the room. audience laughs how old are you . 19. [tony] 19 . You look about 39. Oh, thanks. audience laughs suitcase crashes wow, look at that. And it doesnt even faze him. Hey, look, man, you better knock that stuff off. Theres a strict rule here against drinking. Prune juice . audience laughs prune juice . audience laughs come on, im gonna unpack. Here, let me help you. [jack] all right. Hey, fellas, look at this. Oh, made your letter, huh . Yeah, i was the cheerleader, waukegan high school. You know, wauwau, keke, gan, gan, gan. Waukewauke, waukegan wow audience laughs i wanted to bring em, but my mothers having em bronzed. audience laughs hey, fellas, i see you got all your pinup pictures up there. Can i put mine up . Sure, go ahead. [jack] okay. There we are. I want to put this up where i can see it the denver mint. audience laughs say, listen, fellas, whos the professor in this class . Oh, hes new here this year. I dont know his name, but hes supposed to be a great chemist. Oh, is he . [jim] hey, here comes the professor now. audience laughs good morning, meine damen and herren. I am professor henreich von kraussmeyer. But i want to get one thing straight right from the outset. There will be no nonsense among members in this class. You will see we got a very diverse unintelligible . We have to speed up the education. Oh, but when i call on you in this class, we make every second count. When i call on you, i want each one of you to stand up and tell us what the cutest thing what happened to you during your summer vacation. audience laughs professor, this is a chemistry class. And id like to ask you a question. Do you believe it . Thats what i like, a student with a little curiosity. How do you define the reciprocal of the logarithm of the Hydrogen Ion Concentration of a solution . And you would like me to answer that. [bob] yes. Ah, ive got an answer for you youre expelled get out, out, out, out out, out, out and now we get on with the experiment. You will see we got a mess of test tubes here. I will need a volunteer to help me with the experiment. Ill help you, professor. Only in the class five minutes, and already youre polishing the apple strudel, huh . Well, all right, come up, come up too. But first, i want to show you that this experiment is on the up and up. You dont know me; i dont know you, right . Right, right. Okay, now we go, proceed. You take the beacon here. And you take once cc and you pour it in number zwei, two. Uhuh. Now we take five ccs and you pour it into number six. Thats seven. No, sechs. Thats it, thats it. Now, we will see if the experiment works. glass clinks to tune of Yankee Doodle dandy audience claps i thank you next time, you better shave there. Always, it was coming out pop goes the weasel. You get a a. I got a in chemistry. No, in music, stupid. And i would like to ask you what is the chemical composition of tourmaline . How bout you . I dont know. You flunk. You over there . I dont know. You flunk. How bout you . I dont know. Whats this nos with you . All im doing is asking a simple question, the chemical composition of tourmaline. Well, ill try one more. You over there. Im sorry, professor von kraussmeyer, but i dont know the answer. You get a a. audience laughs but you other class, you have to work, work, work, work. I never saw such stupid class in my life. You drive me off to speed. You drive me to drink, i tell you. audience laughs who was putting in the alcohol prune juice . audience laughs i would like to explain to you what were gonna do tomorrow. What our problem is tomorrow. Were gonna discuss the components of the atomic bomb. Now, lets see. Over here, we have, of course, hydrogen. Which, in itself, is harmless. And over here, we have the nuclear substance. But you see, when you get the two together explosion audience laughs class dismissed fellas, i dont know about you two, but ive had just about all i can stand of the waukegan whistle. You know, i never saw a guy work so many angles. You know, he makes penance . He can even crochet his school emblem. Hes got the hot dog concessions at all the football games. Yeah, i know what you mean. This guys the guy to do it. I didnt mind it so much when he had his Business Activities on the outside. whistling ssh. Hey, here he comes. audience laughs fellas, did i wake you up . [all] no, no, you didnt. I just cant study in this room with all that noise going on every night. You know, ive heard of guys working their way through school. But jack is ridiculous. Hey, you guys, ive got an idea. I think i know how we can get rid of jack. This time, hes gone too far. Why, what happened . You know what hes doing . Hes getting answers to the tests and selling em. [tony] how . I heard him talking to some guy on the phone today. Well, ill tell you what. Lets catch him in the act, and then well report him. And hell be expelled. Hey, thats a great idea. Well get rid of that guy once and for all. Ssh, here he comes. Quick, turn off the light, and lets hide. [jack] where are they at . Here they are. Bought the answers to tests three and four. I hate to do this, but 25 bucks is 25 bucks. knocking on door thats him now. Here they are, here are the answers. Give me my 25 bucks. [the lettermen] aha [jim] now, weve got ya. Professor kraussmeyer well, it aint hopalong cassidy. Youre the one whos buying the answers. Exactly, the questions i know. Stop it thats cheating. Now, dont forget tomorrow, youll have the answers ready for tests sechs and sieben. Ill have em, ill have em. Good, good, good. Look, here, one word about this to anybody, and i give you fs in everything but expelled. singing im no foola. [voiceover] jackll be back in just a minute with his special guests, the lettermen. Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you all enjoyed the show. Out my guests, the lettermen. Now, listen, we did have a lot of fun, didnt we . Oh, yeah. Uhhuh. Now, look at, how bout singing that number now you tried to sing before . Oh, okay. Go ahead. . Hear the whistle blow. . Goodnight, folks. Ill be seeing you soon. Dennis, i told you audience claps [voiceover] from hollywood, the jack benny program, with jacks special guest, connie francis. Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the show. Now, tonight we are oh, by the way, when you folks in the studio audience, [audience member] no. Well, good, good. The reason i mention that because last week, when we did our show, when the studio audience came in, my producer went over to each one of them and gave them a ticket with a number on it. So when the performance was over, i went to him and i said, why did you give them those tickets . Were not raffling off anything. He said, i know but did you notice so finally, i got real angry. You know, i was very angry at him and i said to him, do you mean to say, after all the years that ive been in show business, that i cant hold an audience without raffle tickets . I said, whered you get that idea . Insolent, cheap help. Well anyway, ladies and gentleman, even though you have no raffle tickets tonight. Youre very, very fortunate because i have as my guest star a lady who can really hold an audience. The number one singing star of america, miss connie francis. Ng. Its so nice to have you on my program again. Well, thank you jack. Its so nice to be back. And connie, i must tell you something. You know, as i was watching the rehearsal today and you were doing your number, i couldnt help but think how fortunate fortunate . What do you mean . Well, this isnt taking anything away from you but i mean you singers really have it easy. You know, when you have a voice, all you have to do is open your mouth and out it comes but with comedians, its different. We have to worry about delivery and material and timing and everything. Really, its pretty difficult for a comedian. Im sorry jack but i cant agree with you. I think getting laughs is a lot easier than singing. I said, i think getting laughs is a lot easier than singing. You do . Certainly and i can prove it to you. Ladies and gentleman, i have a little joke id like to tell you. Do you mind, jack . No, no. Not at all. This i want to hear. Well, it seems there was this scotchman. Its always a scotchman, the minute they tell a joke. Go ahead. And he went to a doctor because his side was hurting, so the doctor said, well have to take some xrays. Youd definitely have to have an operation. So, the scotchman said, well, doctor, how much will it cost . The doctor said, five hundred dollars. So the scotchman said, look, doctor. If i give you 25, will you just touch up the xrays a little bit . O told it to you . Your doctor. Well, at least he was nice. You know, he made it a scotchman. So, connie, i must say that you did get a big laugh, you know. And frankly, i didnt think it was difficult at all. It was very simple. Nce you seem think its so much easier to sing than to tell jokes, why dont you sing something . Me, sing . Yes. You started this whole discussion. Now, id like to hear you sing Something Like, well, Something Like fly me to the moon . Fly me to the moon . Well, you just happened to pick the number that i know. Isnt that funny . Mahlon, give me fly me to the moon my key, please. The moon . And let me play among the stars . Let me know what life is like . On jupiter and mars . In other words, hold my hand okay. Okay, hold it, ringo. See how easy it is to get laughs . Well, i dont know. Well, im sorry, really, i started the whole thing, i really am. Now, connie as long as we didnt give out any raffle tickets. Before i lose my audience, how would you like to do your song . Ck. What iswhats this all about . Hello, mr. Benny. Hello, hello. Don, what is this . You and harlow, your son. What is it . Well, jack. Harlow is such a great fan of connie francis, hed like her to autograph one of her record albums for him. Well, for heaven sakes, in the middle of the show . He never did like me. I like you, i like you. All right. Here. Well get. Here. Mr. Wilsons son wants you to autograph this album. Hi. What would you like me to write . Well, just say, to harlow, with all my love and sign it connie francis. She knows her name. Yes. Kiss me. Harlow harlow, wait what are you trying to do . Im growing up. Harlow, please. Here. Did you sign it . Yes. All right. I dont want yours. I wasnt going to give you mine. Im certainly glad of that. Harlow, we dont have to stay here and be humiliated. . That youth is a wonderful thing . So, forgive me if i sound profound . But i think youth has had its fling . cause when i hear those old folks reminisce . Why, then i think about all of the wonderful . When dempsey knocked out willard down in reno . Well gee, but that must have been great . I was born too late. . I never thought that i would envy you so, . You lucky folks who heard the great caruso . Now why did my folks have to wait . . I was born too late . That george m. Cohan . He must have been divine . Way back then in 1910 . When jack benny just turned 39 . I think that youth is highly overrated . Sometimes i wish i were a little dated . So i could know the thrill . Of vaudeville, . Those burlesque dollies . My dad says he still feels the pain . When he thinks of the days when al jolson sang . Though april showers may come your way . That bloom in may . Ah, you know, folks, whenever i hear . An old al jolson song or a record of his . I wonder if he could be here today, . Would he go along with all of the kids and say . Lay that tune on me boys cause . Youre the baby . To old bandstand melody . Yes. Would he be like elvis p. . Or would he get down on one knee . I cant believe that he would say himself. . Now, how hes going to sing about that well known river. . Swanee, how i love you, . My deal old swanee. . I bet your folks, . You should holler for more . Oh way, way back in 34 when he sang, . Mammy, mammy . Id walk a million miles, . Id walk for one of your smiles, . You had me too late . My mammy . For our feature attraction, were going to do a play based on the well, instead of my explaining it to you, ill have don wilson come out and tell you all about it. Don . Don, come out here, will you please . Now, don, will you set the scene for our hillbilly play . And im just a little bit worried. You see, they already have hillbillies on television. I know, don, but were going to do ours from a different approach entirely. Were going to do ours as a musical, you see . Were going to put in music, song. Well, that is different. Yes. Now, you go ahead and set the scene. Okay, jack. Ladies and gentleman, our scene takes place deep in the heart of the ozarks. Like most folks hereabouts, they have a few chickens. chicken clucks a cow. cow moos a goat. goat bleats i hate to disappoint you but the jackass aint home. Now, by the way, my name is lem skinner and i live here with my wife, em and my son clem. We got the prettiest home in this area. This is my wife, em. Weve been married 29 years. Now, i know she loves me because shes still wearing the wedding dress. Now, this is my wifes brother. D like to introduce him to you but he died yesterday. Anyway, were just a normal family. And were very, very happy here and everythings going just fine. Lem, lem . What is it, em . Tell me, lem, have you seen clem . I aint seen clem since 3 00 p. M. drumming yup. I thought it was dead. That probably was one of them reflex things. Well, forget about him. Im getting worried about our boy, clem. I think its high time you talked to clem about the facts of life. Hes going on 28. Well, he doesnt have to learn about that g to start . Hey here comes uncle sheb. Hi, sheb. Lem, lem . What is it, shem . Got some news about your son, clem. You hear that, em . Sure did, lem. drumming he may be dead, but he sure got a lot of rhythm. Hey, shem, whats this news you got about my son, clem . Well, now you come right over here and ill tell you all about it. And you better sit down because this is liable to throw you. You know that there gal that lives down the road a piece that wears them highheeled wedges and got ketchup on her fingernails . You mean lulabelle thompson . Lem, your sons been writing that gal love letters. No where did we go wrong . Are you sure, sheb . Yes, sir. I found one of them letters and i got it right here. Now, you just go and you read that for yourself. Dear lulabelle, your hair is gold, your eyes are blue. Hmm. How did he know . Hey, lem. Here he comes now. Howdy, dad. Youre late, my lad. Tell me, dad, did i make you mad . You made dad mad and you made me sad. Now, listen son. I know all about your little secret. Youve been sendingshem told me, youve been sending love letters to lulabelle. Oh, darn it watch your language theres flies on this here porch. Lem, you better have a talk with that boy about the facts of life. Hes going to understand. Tell me, son, do you know what salmon do when they swim upstream . No, but i guess it must be against the law . Why . Because they keep getting caught and put in the can. Ma,did you hear that . Put in the can tomatoes are soft and so is his head. Look boy, i dont know what your fathers talking about but ill tell you one thing. I dont think its right what youre doing to lulabelle. Stirring up a persons innards like that with them kind of love letters. Howd you like it if you got a letter like that from lu . Howd i know . She cant write. Well, youre gonna to find out . How . . And write yourself . A letter. . Write yourself a letter, son. . lyrics make believe that it came from you . Hichiego, wichiego, whichie go . Youre going to write words oh so sweet. . Yeah, man. . Youre going to knock you off of your feet. . Razzamatazz . Like it says on the bottom. Feeling better. . Cant you hear me calling . When the ring of them afallin, . Loaded with words like i love you . Millions of soldiers across the sea . Fighting for democracy. . You got to write yourself a letter. . Thats my wife. . lyrics and . Wait a minute, pa. I dont see no point in all this. Well, i dont either son but when youre doing a musical, in some place. . lyrics and make believe it came from . Make believe it came from, . Make believe it came from im in love with lulabelle and we uns is going to get married. Youre what . Im in love with lulubelle and we uns is going to get married. Hmm. Em, em, did you hear clem . I sure did, lem and so did shem. Yes, sir, lem. We all heard clem. Em, em, em did you hear, clem . I sure did lem and so did shem. Yes, sir, lem. We all heard clem. This ones clem. Wed better call a mortician in the morning drumming gun shot well, em, i figure as long as were gonna have a marriage, i thought id slow him down so he could play the wedding march. Lets all go in and eat. Well be back in just a moment with our special guest thank you. Thank you very much. I hope you all enjoyed the show. It was kind of silly, wasnt it . Miss connie francis. Connie, you were just wonderful on the show. Well, thank you so much. You know besides singing so well, you get such big laughs, too. Well, thank you, jack. In fact, you were so good, im gonna take you to dinner. Well, thats awfully nice of you. Ill go change. Ressed just right. Well, lets go. Good night, folks. end theme music just cant leave well enough alone . Take my sister, annie. Please. Now shes on a lets all make gidget a young lady kick. Thats her telling me its not ladylike to yell out the window. But what are ya supposed to do when ya wanna talk to your best friend, larue, who lives three doors away and her line is busy . Well, annie taught me a lesson. And i think her husband john got one too. audience laughs and my dear sister is very big on table manners too. If you waited for people to pass the food, youd starve to death. See . Shes even brainwashed that wonderful man at the end of the table. Please pass the potatoes, dear sister of my heart. audience laughs sorry about that, john
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