I thank you, very much. Thank you. [ cheering ] come on, come on, folks. [ cheering ] thank you. [ cheering ] i just wanted to say, its about time. Ive been camped out ive been back of that curtain. [ applause ] look, that is very flattering. We know, all of us on this show, that youve been showing up early to come in here. People were out in line with beach chairs. Theyve got wine coolers, theyve got beer, [ cheering ] theyve got radios, and finally, the page went out last night and said, hey, the shows starting. They said, forget it. Were having a great time anyway, i dont mind the beach chairs out there, but do you have to set up the volleyball net . Give me a break. Anyway, thank you for coming tonight. Excuse me . Worth the wait well, thank you. [ applause ] this last week is getting a little out of hand, with the press. Its a little, kind of, overkill. I mean, were leaving, but i saw a banner on a bus today that said, see them before theyre gone. Johnny carson and the spotted owls. [ laughter ] i guess the spotted owl is on the endangered list . Did you know, folks, that the great horney toad is also on the epas endangered list . Which makes you wonder, if its so great and so horney, why is it endangered . [ laughter, applause ] anyway, some people have been out there 12 hours, i know, and it gets a little uncomfortable, and general electric, installed a pay portopotty for the people out there. Ge is, what you say, frugal . Yeah, theyre a frugal company. Theyre cheap. Cheap. [ laughter ] let me tell you about general electric. They actually collected all the rice thrown the other night at woody harrelsons wedding on cheers, and served it at the commissary today with a chow mein lunch. [ laughter ] well, just four more with my staff until they all begin their books about me. [ laughter, applause ] six of them already registered cold and aloof, with the writers guild. [ laughter ] well, a little later on, were going to show you another clip from a past tonight show, later, or the old johnny on the stamp. [ laughter ] well, weve got to touch on politics. Theres not a hell of a lot going on. President bush yesterday was in a black neighborhood in washington this is true demonstrating fly casting for the kids. [ laughter ] something that comes in real handy in their lives. He also showed them how to signal when they run out of grey poupon. [ laughter, applause ] give me a break did you know all the candidates had to make public their net worth . Did you read it in the paper . Perot, you know, has a billion. Its a billion dollars. Thats a thousand million. George bush has a million, jerry brown has a knapsack, [ laughter ] thats his whole net worth. Speaking of perot, the Associated Press had a story i dont know whether its true. Im just reporting what the Associated Press said that ross perot, according to the story, tried to get out of the navy, 37 years ago, by having his father intervene. Dan quayle was outraged. Hes suing perot for copyright infringement. [ laughter, applause ] do you know that satellite the astronauts got back in the endeavor, and put the motor on . [ applause ] apparently, its now into its proper orbit. It can transmit 120, 000 phone calls, simultaneously, and broadcast on three television channels. You know what i dont understand . They can do that, but you drive under a bridge, and your car radio goes out. Okay, a little bit of this is odds and ends, tonight. This was in the paper. Archaeologists discovered a sunken spanish ship off the bahamas that they think may be from the Christopher Columbus era. Which, incidentally, is a lot more rare than a sunken ship from the Christopher Reeve era. Theres no comparison at all. I put that one in for me. [ laughter ] and me alone is enjoying that. [ laughter ] well, you know i feel a lot safer, all of a sudden in los angeles, now that Clint Eastwood is in town . [ applause ] along with clint tonight, mr. Bob hope. [ applause ] David Letterman is here. I thought that dave was coming to see me. Actually, hes going to plant himself at the desk, and claim squatters rights, so stay where you are. Well be right back. Alright, folks. Over the years, we have done [ cheering ] okay, were going to show you a little excerpt from our past shows. Over the long time weve been here, we have done, i dont know how many sketches. Could be 500 different sketches, with lots of different actors. Sometimes theyre parodies on popular shows. Last night, we did dragnet. Sometimes we do a take off on a commercial show, sometimes we just do a sketch like tarzan, no then, once in a while, we do something we think is just plain silly. We did this, now this ran from this is april . Just two years ago, right . Of 1990. It was a eulogy. Dont panic. Its a eulogy. Watch the monitor. . . Thank you all for coming. I know joe would have been pleased and gratified. Joe, as you all are aware, was one of the finest editors weve ever had at rogets thesaurus. [ laughter ] probably the best thesaurus man in the country. He was the finest. The top. The number one man. [ laughter ] he said to me once, bob, robert, bobby, [ laughter ] after im gone, id like you to say a few words to my friends. My pals, chums, comrades, buddies. [ laughter ] the thesaurus writers job, as you know, is not an easy one. Its hard, difficult, tough, strenuous, demanding, laborious. At times, the pressure can be unbearable, intolerable, unendurable. [ laughter ] but joe did a great job and thats why im so sorry that hes passed away. But, hes in a happier place. Hes among the angels. Joes bought the farm. Hes cashed in his chips, kicked the bucket. [ laughter ] hes been deep sixed. Hes doing the long limbo, right now. [ laughter ] timesharing the oblong condo. Hes making a call from the horizontal phone booth. [ laughter ] hes deceased, departed, hard as a carp. [ laughter ] hes booked into the motel deep six. [ laughter ] taking a spin in the brass handled sedan. Hes hanging ten on the satin lined surfboard. [ laughter ] booked on a cruise in the dirt submarine. Hes doing the hoffa halftime. Hes pushing up parking lot, pumping lid. [ laughter ] hes snuffed off, kicked out. Wearing the wooden waistcoat, playing in the subterranean sandbox. Hes doing the pine box lambada. [ laughter ] i wish we had his calming presence in this room. I wish he hadnt left us. I wish he wasnt far, far away. Trolling for topsoil trout. [ laughter ] dead as a doornail, gone out with the tide, taking the final curtain, serving a major in the pine penalty box. Standing in line at the sob sizzler. Dancing the hokey croaky. Riding the satin pony, playing hell hockey. Flying the marble kite. Sig tipping the dirt maitre d, pushing up miss daisy, [ laughter ] hes passing the grave poupon. Yes, hes in a tapered tanning booth. Yes, hes doing [ laughter, applause ] hes doing the worm wave at stiff stadium. Hes on the sob subway, wearing the toe tag turtleneck, test driving the wooden buick. Hes eating moss muffins. [ laughter ] auf wiedersehen, shalom, cheerio, arrivederci, see you around. [ applause ] one of the guys in our band, one of the great horn men of all time, the great jazz trumpeter conte candoli, is going to be appearing at Schoenberg Hall at the ucla campus in westwood on may 13th. [ au not may 13th. It cant be may 13th. That was two days ago. On may 19th, right, conte . Yes. And ive got a copy and youve got to see this. Its his new cd, called sweet simon, featuring pete kressley of our band, on tenor sax, and dedicated to contes wifes 23yearold cat, simon, sweet simon, who is no longer with us. Awww. Yes, hes pushing up hes in the pine hefty bag. [ laughter ] conte, i didnt know. That was very touching. 23yearsold . Yes. Isnt that old for a cat . I dont mean a musician. I mean, its old for a feline. Its old for anything. I guess it is. 23. What did the cat die of . Just old age. That would do it, i guess. [ laughter ] its kind of sweet. We didnt even know he was sick. I know. I should havt did he linger, or just no, it was pretty quick. Thats good. Hasty, i guess. What . Hasty. Yeah, you hate to see them just linger, like that. [ laughter ] condolences to your cat. Condolences to a cat . Im talking to a grown man, here and saying condolences on 23yearsold. How long did the cat hang on . Were going to have Robin Williams with us, bette midler, roseann arnold, jack lemmon, mel brooks, tony bennett mel brooks and tony bennett were on the very first show we did, october first, 1962, in new york. The only two people left, who were on that show. Well, not counting us. What . You want to count us. Were still living. [ laughter ] i sound like peter herkowitz. I meant four were alive. Okay, weve got all this business out of the way. Well take a break, and Clint Eastwood is here,
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