I did not have a great weekend. True to the death, the worst possible thing that could happen to anyone, happened to me at this weekend at 3 15 p. M. Exactly on friday afternoon our wifi went out and never came back all weekend. I would say it was a nightmare but nightmares dont go on for four days. I could only use the connection on my phone like an animal. I was almost completely cut off from the outside world. Its funny how quickly you forget how everything works. I was like i cant go online, lets watch netflix. Oh, no, we cant watch netflix. [ laughter] no, pandora. No spotify, no apple tv, nothing. We had even when i tried to look the number up to call the company to tell them the internet doesnt work, i had to go on the internet to get the numbers and then it was two hours on the phone on friday night with the flashing . Yes, its still flashing. Okay can i put you on hold and you know theyre smoking or something. It was terrible. I almost broke down and opened a book. I came this close and were on day five of not being able to stick my daughter in front of Curious George for three hours. Let me tell you, when im Vice President , the wifi will never go out. [ applause ] its as simple as that. Wifi goes out, ill grab the head of the company, throw the son of a right in prison and anyone forced to spend anymore than 30 minutes on the phone with their Internet Service provided will be awarded the Vice President ial medal of freedom. [ applause ] guillermo, you had a rough weekend to . My brother in law called me and said guillermo got a concussion over the weekend. What happened . Guy hit the ball hard and hit me right here. Jimmy were you the goalie . Yeah. Jimmy so, it went right in your forehead . Right here. Jimmy and you werent protected by all the gel that you keep in your hair . No, it was sunday. Jimmy i would think the ball would pop if it hits your head. No, but it was sunday. Jimmy oh, you dont use gel on sunday. No. Jimmy no gel sundays. Wow. [ applause ] and then you had the concussion and went to the doctor and youre okay now . Yeah, they gave me a shot and say it take a couple days for the headache to go away. Jimmy what did your wife say . [ laughter] my wife got real mad. She said i cannot believe a 45 years old man playing soccer. You know what, forget it. No more sex. If you keep playing soccer, no more sex. Jimmy well this sounds like a convenient way to get out of sex with you. [ laughter] no more soccer. Jimmy but you did or did not have wifi at your house . Oh, yeah. Jimmy still had a better weekend than i did. [ applause ] heres something i was unable to comment on because of my wifi fiasco this weekend. Because it was memorial day, a big day for grilling, barbecuing, that sort of thing. Apparently there was a debate online about whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich. Bring me my podium. [ applause ] one thing ive learned in this campaign is people really love podiums. Its crazy. On friday of last week, my fellow of americans. The people that edit the Merrium Webster dictionary had the tumarety to declare, by or more slices of bread or a split roll with filling in between. But that definition, thats their definition. By my definition, a hot dog is a hot dog. Its its own thing with a specialized bun. If you went in a hot dog and ordered a meat tube sandwich, theyd probably call the cops on you. I dont care what anyone says, a hot dog is not a sandwich. If hot dogs are sandwiches, then cereal is soup. Chew on that one for a while. [ applause ] hamburger not a sandwich either. Thats right. When im Vice President , this will not be a matter of debate this will be written into the law. Please, remove this podium. [ applause ] all right. Im done with that now. [ laughter] hey, did you watch that basketball game last night . [ applause ] game seven. A lot of people watching. They had 16 million viewers. The most watched cable telecast of an nba game ever. The warriors were down 31 and they came back to win it. Meaning theyll face the Cleveland Cavaliers for a rematch of last year. Coming back from being down three games to one is big, but the longest shot in the arena last night was this gentleman. If you zoom in Bernie Sanders was at the game with danny glover. I get that bernie has to sit in the crappy seats to keep the whole homeland of the people thing going but danny glover has to say great, why do i have to sit here with this cheap skait. Im at game seven in this seat. His best friend from child hood was moses. The moses. Bernie sanders and donald trump were both here. And donald trump accepted the challenge. And unfortunately, over the weekend, both bernie and his supporters got fired up and started a hashtag. Thats when you went know its serious. Chicken trump. It sounds like a nickname donald trump would give donald trump if he wasnt donald trump. I dont think calling donald trump chicken is going to hurt him. Have you ever been to Panda Express . People love orange chicken. [ applause ] there wont be a trumpsanders debate, which was probably a good decision for donald. Did you see him at the bike rally . Here he is at half speed in tonights edition of slow and tell. Look at all these bikers. Do we love the bikers . Yes. We love the bikers. All over the place, no matter where i go, theres bikers and they come with the bikers and the bikes are all over. [ applause ] jimmy donald trump got a big indorsement from the north korean state media. For real. They praised him for being a wise politician and said Hillary Clinton is dull. So, thats a nice feather in his cap. Of course, north korea indorsed donald trump. They want at least one other country to have a leader with worst hair than theirs. Here on abc, it was our second episode of the bachelorette. Every year i say im not going to get sucked in and i do. Every year theres a guy or gal the contestants cant stand. You know the biggest jerk you hope to never see again the day after you graduated . Thats chad. Hes always working out. Talking about how hes better than all the other guys. Threatened to punch one guys teeth out. On his first date, he called her naggy, which in my experience, women love. [ laughter] hes what you would get if you inject Human Growth Hormone into a nickel back album. And like most good super villains, chad has a sidekick, its daniel. Hes on the left, he follows chad around, agrees with whatever he says and they even wore matching tank tops and had incredible conversations like this one. I think jojo wants a man. I cant see her falling in love with a childish boy like some of these guys. S if you were plaking a protein shake with the dudes here, half of that dude protein shake would be i mean, have exactly. Exactly. I mean, what . This show needs someone in the moments a Statement Like hat is made steps in and says Something Like this. If youre making a protein shake made up of the dudes here and you blended it up, what kind of shake do you get . Half of that dude protein shake would be like, have zero chance. Dude, like that makes no sense. [ applause ] all right, so last week on the show we met these two adorable senior scitizens. Grandma and ginga. They make these videos on youtube where grandchildren tape them fighting and its hilarious. Last week i asked them to watch theyd never seen the show before. And heres a snippet of what they thought of it. Can you tell me how long this is going to last . A cup of sweet wine. This is a play. Theres a little man. That was a little man. How do you like this part . [ bleep] [ bleep] jimmy she didnt like it. So, when we come back, grandma and ginga are here to review game of thrones. So, stick around. Well be right back. [ applause ] which urgent care do you want to try this time . Uhh, this ones only a mile away. Oooo, and its innetwork. This is our best idea yet. Steve steve steve so close. Its not always easy to control your enthusiasm. But with unitedhealthcare its easy to find quick care options and compare costs. Thats my husband. Let me try this. Second times a charm. Oh there goes mine. Unitedhealthcare find a great gift for dad and kohls cash for you. Give him a drone and earn kohls cash. Pick up the fitbit blaze and earn kohls cash. Or the xbox one and you earn kohls cash. Use your kohls cash later on just about anything. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Innovative sonicare technology with up to 27 more brush movements versus oral b. Get healthier gums in 2 weeks guaranteed. Innovation and you. Philips sonicare. Save when you buy the most loved rechargeable toothbrush brand in america. The captivating lexus rc, with available 306 horsepower. This is the pursuit of perfection. Introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. Nexium 24hr. The easytoswallow tablet is here. Jimmy tonight on the show music from Josh Abbott Band. From Silicon Valley Thomas Middleditch is here. Last week on the show i chatted with two incredible sisters from clarksberg, west virginia. Grandmas 102, and gingas 97. I asked them to watch and review game of thrones. Sunday night on hbo. Heres a clip of them watching the show. That boy on the horse. Is he going to marry her . [ phone ringing] my toes are getting numb. What . My toes are getting numb. What . My toes are getting numb. Jimmy her toes are getting cisco screen, grandma and ginga. Hello, ladies. [ applause ] hi, there. How are you . Were fine. Jimmy my first question and ill ask both of you, in your opinion is a hot dog a sandwich . No, its a hot dog. [ applause ] youre quite welcome. We sure got some good hot dogs in west virginia. Jimmy do you really . D and l is the best place. Jimmy what do you put on your hot dog . Chilly, mustard and onions. Jimmy and you ginga . Same thing. And hot pepper. We want our hot dogs to be hot. Yeah, in west virginia. Watch game of thrones this week on hbo and i should ask [ phone ringing] jimmy oh, no, your deafening phone i cant hear it. [ laughter] that dam phone has to ring right now. Can you imagine . Jimmy i know its crazy. I thought we disconnected it. Its connected. Jimmy what shows do you usually watch on television . I watch the dancers. Jimmy the dancing stars . Yeah. And i cant remember all the names. Jimmy how about you, ginga . I like law and order. Anything murder. Yes. All those old movies. Jimmy have you ever seen no. Jimmy and did you like it . Um, no. I think theyre crazy. I dont understand it. Jimmy what didnt you understand . Well, if that was a wife or whether they were going to run away with somebody else and i never did see that baby. I thought maybe they killed him. Did you see a naked woman . And i was waiting for a woman to ride a horse naked. I never did see her but i saw the naked horse. Jimmy i was disappointed in that too. There were no naked people this week. No. That was lousy. Jimmy so, overall is there anything we could pass along to the people who make the show that would make it better for you . Any suggestions . Candle light movie. Jimmy what does that mean . We couldnt see anything. Couldnt see anything. Just the candles. Jimmy i see p. It was not bright enough for you. So, maybe if they brightened it up, you would watch it . No. Hell, no. I liked on the stage when the man dies, you know. I liked that. Jimmy okay. All right. No, not me. Jimmy you didnt like it at all . I didnt like anything of it. Jimmy well, we have one more clip of you guys watching it. Lets take a look at that now. Now were going to see some action. s what kind of animal is that flying . Now im getting hungry. Im all numb. Is that the end . Hurray. Thank god its gone. He doesnt want us to see this over again. Ill die first. Jimmy so, you didnt like it. So, i was going to ask if you want to watch another episode. Maybe we could send you to see the new teenage mutant ninja turtles. Okay. Jimmy if you go see the movie and tell us whether its good or not and whether we should go watch it . No, i dont want to watch anything. Jimmy you dont want to watch anything at all. I think weve lost them now, but well get grandma and ginga back. [ applause ] thank you, ladies. All right, thank you, grandma and ginga. Jimmy tonight on the show music from Josh Abbott Band. Thomas middleditch is here. And well be right back with megan fox. Jimmy i know you have a concussion but because youre not drinking tonight, youre more coherent than you usually are. [ applause ] okawhoa ady . [ explosion ] nothing should get in the way of the things you love. Get americas fastest internet. Only from xfinity. [ applause ] jimmy a very funny actor from the very funny show sillicon valley Thomas Middleditch is here. And this is their album. Its called front row seat. And Josh Abbott Band is here. And special programming, game one of the nba finals on abc. Which means the return of our annual nba prime time preand post game sws carry, jimmy butler and an all new nba edition of mean tweets thursday night here on abc. Please join us for that. Our first guest was a typical girl growing up in florida until she was bitten by a radio active fox and transformed into the super person we know today. She scours the suers teenage mutant ninja turtles, out of the showers. Oneale. Get that canister. Please welcome megan fox. [ applause ] jimmy can i just say my whole life i wanted to slide under a door just as it was about to close with some sort of villains on the other side. Is that as good as it looks . I didnt do that. That was a stunt double. They had me on a piece of plexiglass and very gingerly pulled me with a fan blowing my hair. Jimmy so, you dont do your own stunts . I do but not that one. Jimmy you were just here and now bam, a babys in there. Theres a human growing in there. I was definitely pregnant. I was already in my second trimester. I just had on three pairs of spanx. We were really harnessing cozy, warm, totally safe. Jimmy do you feel like you lied to me coming out here pregnant and not indicating it in any way . Do you feel i owe you that refer referimation . Jimmy im going to be Vice President. Who is your president . I dont require a president. Then why dont you just run for president . Jimmy really good question i dont know the answer to it p. I figured id take baby steps towards the white house and this would be the first. But lets stick to your baby steps and your babies. How old are your sons . 3 and 2. Jimmy do you they whats about to happen . Ive shown them with a baby doll how its going to turn upside down and where its coming out. Jimmy oh, they do . They know. They know all that. Jimmy did that scare them at all. No, the little one, body thinks its really funny youre going to feed a way. They dont know. They think it sounds normal. Jimmy the attention may shift . The older ones aware but hes excited. Jimmy you said i think one of the last times you were here that your baby talks to you from the inside . Well, not like you hear an audible voice, but i feel like you receive messages from the child if youre open to it. Jimmy like get me a pizza . No, i mean, they dont have teeth. That would be a challenge. Things like this baby wanted me to live somewhere else. So, were moving to a whole different place in los angeles, because i feel like thats where this baby wants to be raised. Jimmy for real . Yeah, and i feel the baby is telling me its elon musk. Like, a super genius. Jimmy well, if this baby is able to convince you to move out of your house, it is a super genius or a realtor. It might be a baby realtor you have. Bench in the neighborhood . I have. Jimmy so, when you tell bryan austin green, your husband, the baby wants us to move, does he go, let me talk to the baby . No, he trusts me at this point because ive made so many good calls. I know it sounds crazy like im a lunetic. Jimmy yes. I mean, no not at all. [ laughter] but ive made some really good decisions based on what i think higher self is telling me. Jimmy but moving is a big thing. I dont think an infant is going to say not this one, we need the one down the street. I mean, anything is possible. Jimmy a 7yearold may say i want to live in sleeping we cant make magic happen, but do you just ignore your children when they ask you for things they want . Jimmy no, but if they told me we need to move, id say is a ghost in the house . What if they were like i feel i would thrive in that environment as opposed to this one . Jimmy i would hit them right in the head. We dont use words like thrive in my family. Its not one of our words. Well, congratulations. Thats very exciting and you look very beautiful as well. [ applause ] is it easier this time . Its easier because ive had a baby every other year since 2012. Your body gets used to it but with the first one i was really afraid something was going to go wrong and the second one was so soon after the first, it was all a blur and this one im a little more relaxed, but because i know how much it hurts and as were nervous about that because that pain is no joke. Jimmy i know. Oh, do you know . Jimmy yeah, i do know. You know how i know sn my wife tells me every three days. But i think if its that bad, id have one and no more. Well, i guess you forget. I mean, you get temporary amnesia in order to further the human race, otherwise thered be no people left. Jimmy now, guillermos got a hopper over there. Two bingo hoppers. The first balls are what . What are in there . This is first names. Jimmy bird names. Yes. Jimmy and the second is candle scents. Thats right. Jimmy okay. And so if you really want to leave this to the gods, thi i mean, really. Are you willing to okay. Jimmy go crazy. There we go. All right. Read the bird name first. Toucan. Mountain lodge. [ laughter] [ applause ] jimmy megan fox everybody. Teenage mutant ninja turtles. [ applause ] honey, did you call the Insurance Company . Not yet, im. Folding the laundry can you . No. Cleaning the windows the living rooms a disaster vo most Insurance Companies give you every reason to avoid them. Plants need planting well the leaves arent going to rake themselves vo nationwide is different. Hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim . vo we put members first. Actually, they called me. Nationwide is on your side if yo. Well do i haveen it all, a surprise for you. Its red lobsters new lobster and shrimp summerfest with the lobster and shrimp. You love in so many new dishes, youre gonna wanna try. Every last one. Like the new coastal lobster shrimp. With a woodgrilled lobster tail,. Wildcaught red shrimp crusted with panko,. And shrimp fresh off the grill and brushed with. 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Give him a drone and earn kohls cash. Pick up the fitbit blaze and earn kohls cash. Or the xbox one and you earn kohls cash. Use your kohls cash later on just about anything. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Jimmy welcome back. Thomas middleditch and wow, i mean, if to go right home with you. Thats the dream. You road this here, i heard. I do. Im a hollywood cat. Jimmy how far will you go with Something Like that . You cant go too far. Theres a limited range. I rocked a good journey to silver lake once. To inspect various arm tattoos and fidoras. R you can bring your charger. Its very convene ynlient. Skate board duct taped. Jimmy this is something you got from someone on the show . Its a trike. Jimmy because the show is tech oriented, you get stuff. We get and you have a photo. I have a photo of the whole cast with their scooters. And matching jackets. Jimmy for the most part. Except for t. J. , naturally. Jimmy and do you all ride them around . I came back in the conversation and they were in the middle of demanding that we have matching jackets because that would be cool and then were deciding whats it going to say on the back and on the back it was agreed upon it should say rude boys on the lot. Because apparently were the rude boys and were on the Sony Pictures lot filming and we have these scooters. Were so not rude though. Weve scooted around on those things and within two minutes security was like you cant use those. Bicycles only. And instead of us being like screw it, were rude. Were like, okay sorry, well put them back. Jimmy thats scooterlike behavior. By the way i love the show. Its so very funny. [ applause ] is this truly your first big show that youve been on . Yes, sir. Jimmy youre very id never seen you before the show and i was like who is that guy. Its this. Small town canadian growing up. Jimmy i dont know what goes on in sillicon valley but i watch the show sunday night. Its so specific. Those Little Details or those things you pick up from people as you meet them or is it entirely scripted out for you . All the specifics and nods to the real sillicon valley is big hats off to the writers. Th people they pillfer stories from and in terms of where richard comes from, ive dabbled in the nerdy arts from time to time. I may know what a computer is. Jimmy have you ever built one on your own . Yes, sir, i have. Jimmy well, thats serious then. Youre from British Columbia . Canada in the mountains. And my parents are expat british. If you couldnt guess it by Thomas Middleditch, born out of a Charles Dickens novel. Jimmy very downtown abbey. Yes, i grew up with a lot of shepherds pies and all types of pies. Jimmy what did your parents do for a living . My mother was a special Education Teacher and my dad was a principal. Jimmy was he a principal at the school you wont to . For a year and i got in and went to the Principals Office and hes like, my own son. [ in english accent] jimmy from his point of view, how difficult it would be to have your own son hiding in the curtains. Of all things. Thats a pretty rude thing to do. Maybe this rudeness thing is going to stick afterall. Jimmy one of the worst things you could ever do to any parent. Whos the bad kid hiding in the curtain . Thats Thomas Middleditch. Jimmy the show is picked up for another season, which is exciting. When people send you the stuff, besides this, do you give any of it away to an assistant or something . I have an assistant. Youd like the request . A hot air balloon. My own private zepline. Jimmy i heard youre a fan of the bachelor, does it extend to the bachelorette . Oh. Chad hes a cartoon villain. I hope he stays around for so many more episodes. Jimmy by the end, i was so mad he got a rose but also of course you want him to continue on the show. The thing is he makes some good points. All these people okay. Im going to get into the bachelorette. Jimmy youre going to side with chad . I kind of do. Theyve met for five minutes and hes just so amazing and i feel like im falling in love all over again and im like you dont know the person and chads bull [ bleep] you need to rewatch last night. That was his whole game. Jimmy was it really . I thought it was im better than these guys and of course shes going to pick the guy thats better. For sure thats part of his game. Jimmy what about daniel, his sidekick. Oh, daniel, dan dan. Hes a bummer the First Episode when he gets super drunk and diving in the pool. And im like, of course hes the canadian guy. I was so bummed out. Hes like, oh, yeah, buddy, right on. Aye. Why . Youre killing me, daniel. Jimmy im going to pass your thoughts along to the producers and they will make the proper adjustments. Its very nice to meet you. Thomas middleditch everybody. Well be right back with Josh Abbott Band. Nd champagne . In the back. [beep, beep] [cork pop] have a good night. The new waterresistant galaxy s7 edge. Which saves money. Owners insurance a smarter way, they offer a diy home inspection, which you do yourself, which saves money. They offer a single deductible, so you dont pay twice when Something Like this happens, which saves money. They make it easy to bundle home and auto, d they offer claim forgiveness, so if you make a claim, you could save money. Esurance was born online and built to save. And when they save, you save. Thats home and Auto Insurance for the modern world. Esurance, an allstate company. Click or call. Who needs to think whenhm toyour feet just go . [ music playing ] theres a party over here. Theres a party right now, hey. I love it, i love it, i love it, i love it [ dreams by beck ] hmmmmm. Hmmmmm. The turbocharged dream machine. The Volkswagen Golf gti. Part of the awardwinning golf family. From the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. Heyyyyy its the Little Things that make life rich. Ritz. Yeah, we rocking right now. Theres a party over here. Theres a party right now. Hey, im in heaven. Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by samsung. Jimmy i want to thank megan fox, Thomas Middleditch and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. Nightline is next, but first their album is called front row seat. Here with the song wasnt that drunk with help from carly pierce, the Josh Abbott Band. Small talk and old friends catching up on how youve been that smile i missed damn its good to see you again i bought you a drink and i asked you to dance after a couple more rounds you were holding my hand next thing you know were closing it down and were sharing a cab back to your house i know we were laughing saying whatever happens we can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up if youre thinking its because we were drinking well that dont mean that it dont mean much cause it did and it does the truth oft drunk carly pierce, everyone. I was tipsy when you kissed me but that aint why i kissed you back ill be honest ive wanted to do that to do that do that oh so long and oh so bad then last night it happened so fast id do it over i wouldnt think twice cause lying here sober it still feels right i know we were laughing saying whatever happens we can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up if youre thinking its because we were drinking well that dont mean that it dont mean much cause it did and it does the truth of it is i wasnt that drunk i want you to know it wasnt just the heat of the moment i know we were laughing saying whatever happens we can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up if youre thinking its because we were drinking well that dont mean that it dont mean much cause it did and it does and the truth of it is i wasnt that drunk oh i wasnt that drunk ooh [ applause ] she said we got a story to write and i am looking all around she said nobody knows but youre going to want to start taking off your clothes dont be afraid at the end of the day you got to get while you got it she said just keep me warm kissing was nice but it takes a little warmth im reaching for she was in my ear where are we going and were already here youve got to get while you got it youve got to get it while you got it dont be afraid at the end of the day you got to get it while you got it take it boys. This is nightline. Tonight, a major milestone in american history. Hillary clinton, the first woman to clinch a major party nomination, telling us tonight its not just about her. What this moment means to you . The fierce pace face off ahead for the highest office in the land. And the career hit a high note with that song from the bodyguard but her tumultuous life took her down a dark path. Tonight, bobby brown talking about the marriage to the drug use and how it all came crushing down. But first the nightline 5
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