[ laughter ] congress narrowly passed the republican plan to replace obamacare today. Also narrowly passing grandma. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] i didnt take away her health care. [ light laughter ] a member of the conservative House Freedom caucus said, yesterday, that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump, because its hard to tell what hes thinking. Also if. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there were several protests here in new york for President Trumps first planned visit since his inauguration. Including one protest at trump tower. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] today was respect for chickens day. Thats right. Respect, said President Trump trying to spell chickens. [ light laughter ] that was my favorite one, so there you go. [ light laughter ] sometimes sometimes we diverge. [ light laughter ] thats right. Today was respect for chickens day. Which is information that would have been useful to me before lunch. [ light laughter ] according to a new biography, former president obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met michelle obama. But he paused so long she walked away. [ laughter ] will you ah [ laughter ] will you ah marry me . [ light laughter ] diane . Some psychologists say that a socalled masturbation break at work could increase productivity. Said one employee, huh. I guess i would get more work done if i took a break from masturbating. [ laughter ] hes so happy. [ light laughter ] and finally, today was National Star wars day. And if you celebrated, no girlfriend you have. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Shes in the new film snatched. For my money shes one of our greatest comediennes. Wanda sykes is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so happy to have her back on the show. He has a fantastic comedy special, career suicide. It will air on hbo may 6th. My very good friend Chris Gethard is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from an exciting new country artist. Devin dawson is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] youre really going to enjoy hearing from him. But before we get to all of that, today republicans led by President Trump and House Speaker paul ryan rushed a bill through the house of representatives that would strip Health Insurance away from millions of people before most americans and even many members of congress knew what was in the bill. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth in the runup to todays vote, trump spent the week continuing a habit of his from the campaign, making absurd promises about his deal making skills that have no basis in reality. Yesterday, for example, he claimed that he might be able to solve the most intractable conflict in the world the israelipalestinian conflict. Let see if we can find a solution. Its something that i think is frankly, maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years. Seth maybe not as difficult as people have thought . Peace in the middle east is the phrase people use to describe something thats difficult. [ light laughter ] thats like saying, when i need a needle, i just go straight to the haystack and grab one. Boom. Easy as that. [ laughter and applause ] trumps claims about middle east peace are a lot like his claims about what his Health Care Plan would actually do. Naive, overconfident and detached from reality. And now, were also getting a glimpse how Trumps White House will square the promises he made about health care with the reality of this bill. Theyll just lie. Just take as an example, the border wall. Trump has not gotten any money for his wall, so yesterday press Secretary Sean Spicer argued that fencing was just as good as the wall trump promised. And reporters were not having it. We have a porous border right now with broken fences, things that can be cut through and to replace this with 20foothigh ballard wall will protect our country. Are those photos of fences or walls . That is called a ballard wall that is called a levee wall. Thats the wall that no, no, no. No, no. There are various types of walls that can be built. So thats not a wall. Its a levee wall . Thats what its actually called. Thats the name of it. Thats what it is. Its not the wall the president promised. No, no. Hold on. [ light laughter ] hes telling reporters, the president s supporters to be satisfied with this existing tough guy fencing until hes ready to build the wall . [ light laughter ] seth i love that reporters are now just fully [ bleep ] with sean spicer. [ laughter ] hey, sean sean, the president promised a wall and i dont know, bro. [ laughter ] it, ah, kind of looks like a fence to me. Right, everybody . [ laughter and applause ] no. Its a wall its a ballard wall, you jerks. Did you just say . Did you just say your balls were hard . [ laughter ] no i said ballard [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course, the deal trump has been desperate to get done has been the Republican Health care bill. And today, republicans got one step closer to making it a reality by rushing a bill through the house. Now, if the American Health care act becomes law, trump and the gop will not be able to escape the negative consequences. They will own them. But im not sure trump fully understands that. In an interview on monday, he was asked about a famous quote by george w. Bush, who said that the reason the oval office is round, is there are no corners you can hide in. Obviously, its a metaphor about taking responsibility for your actions. Yet trump seemed to take it literally. George w. Bush said, the reason the oval office is round, is there are no corners you can hide in. Well, theres truth to that. Theres truth to that. There are certainly no corners. And you look, theres a certain openness, but theres nobody out there. [ light laughter ] you know, there is an openness, but ive never seen anybody out there, actually. As you can imagine. What he meant was, it all comes back to you. Sure. Sure, sure. Seth sure. [ laughter ] sure, sure, sure. Trumps like a guy who didnt get a joke. Take my wife, please. Okay. Where is she . [ light laughter ] also, id like to point out that the metaphor he didnt get was from george w. Bush. [ laughter ] thats where were at. [ applause ] the one thing george w. Bush never thought hed do is go over someones head. [ laughter ] but in reality, trump will not be able to hide from the ramifications of this bill, and those ramifications are disastrous. Remember, when republicans first tried to pass this bill a few weeks ago, the Congressional Budget Office found it would kick as many as 24 million americans off of Health Insurance, raise premiums for older, poor americans by more than 750 , cut federal medicaid spending by 880 billion, and give the wealthiest people a giant tax cut of nearly 1 trillion over a decade. The bill literally takes from the poor and gives to the rich. Its exactly what Bernie Sanders warned us about. The only thing bernie would hate more is a bill that bans free crackers at diners. [ light laughter ] i take them home, and i feed them to my birds [ light laughter ] and then, on top of that, to get the bill passed today, republicans added new things that made it even worse. They basically took an oatmeal raisin cookie and added cilantro. [ light laughter ] for example, the new version would allow states to waive out of obamacares ban on preexisting conditions and essential benefits, such as pregnancy, lab tests, emergency room trips, and ambulance trips. Thats right. Republicans think your Health Insurance shouldnt have to cover ambulance trips. So if youre having a heart attack, dont call 911. Call 6666666 remember 6 [ light laughter ] seth can you remember that . [ light laughter ] despite all that, republicans hastily arranged a victory celebration at a the white house today and were absolutely giddy. And trump could not help but brag what he always brags about, the fact that he won. What we have is something very, very, incredibly well crafted. And, you know, coming from a different world and only being a politician for a short time. How am i doing . Am i doing okay . Im president. [ applause ] hey, im president can you believe it . Right . Seth no [ laughter and applause ] no, i cant. Cannot. Also, look how happy those old, white guys are. I guess they just are happy they finally passed something that wasnt a kidney stone. [ laughter ] no longer covered, by the way. [ laughter ] but heres one of the most gulling parts of the whole process. In 2010, when democrats passed obamacare, republicans complained constantly about what they claimed was a rushed process that lacked public input. Back then at least, obamacare went through tons of hearings, took well over a year to become law. And what about this gop bill . There have been no hearings, no studies, no Congressional Budget Office analysis, not even text of a bill circulated the day before the vote. In fact, some republicans right now are just outright admitting they did not read the bill they voted on. A bill that would reorganize 1 6th of the american economy. Like Virginia Republican tom garrett who said this on msnbc today. Have you read the whole bill . Oh, gosh. Lets put it this way. People in my office have read all the parts of the bill. I dont think any individual has read the whole bill, but thats why we have staff. Seth thats right. Your elected official didnt read the bill, but jonah did. [ light laughter ] even the basic question of how much the bill would cost has been a mystery to republicans. Like texas congressman joe barton, who said this last week. Is this going to be a cheaper bill when everything is said and done if it passes, or a more expensive bill than obamacare . Well, thats a very good question. The honest answer, greta, is that nobody really knows. Seth and when it comes to health care, i think all americans want the comfort of not knowing. [ light laughter ] am i covered for this lifesaving procedure . Why dont we do the operation now and ill well tell you tomorrow . [ light laughter ] ooh, that sounds fun. So americans and members of congress havent even read this bill and the Congressional Budget Office has not told us how much it costs. I just wish someone would have the courage to come out against such a secretive process. I wish someone would just tell paul ryan that we shouldnt pass bills we havent read and dont know what they cost. I dont think we should pass bills that we havent read, that we dont know what they cost. Seth thank you, paul ryan. [ light laughter ] that was paul ryan in 2009, when obamacare was making its way through congress. Of what ryan claimed to hate back then, hes tota if you rush this thing th is,h hats not good democracy. Thats not doing our work for our constituents. Speaker pelosi is trying to jam her bill through as fast as possible. I think this is less about Health Care Policy and more about ideology. This is not bipartisan. For bipartisanship to work, the majority has to be willing to collaborate with minority, that has not occurred. We are right here creating a legislative trojan horse in which a handful of people hidden from public view will reshape how all americans receive and pay for their health care. And theyre trying to muscle through by the end of this week. Seth and when it comes to muscling, no one knows better than paul ryan. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look at that guy hes in amazing shape. No wonder hes not worried about health care. His resting heart rate is he doesnt have one. [ light laughter ] everything that paul ryan claimed to hate about the obamacare process in 2009 hes doing now. Republicans are lying through their teeth about the impacts of the bill and premiums and preexisting conditions and hoping no one will catch them, because theres no cbo score. And until last night, there was no text. Americans are being conned and there will be consequences for the people doing the conning. But dont take it from me. Take it from this guy. What people are going to get is not what they think theyre getting, based on the rhetoric that was used to sell this health care bill. This is not about Health Care Policy. If it were, we could pass a bipartisan bill to fix whats broken in Health Care Without breaking whats working in health care. This is about ideology. My friends, the choice is not whether youre going to stick with your party leaders, the choice here is what side of history do you want to be on . Seth yes. Whats it going to be . Are you with paul ryan . Or are you with paul ryan . [ light laughter ] this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with wanda sykes, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] a Millie Dresselhaus doll happy birthday, sweetie oh, millies. Trick or treat were so glad to have you here. What if we treated great female scientists like they were stars . Yasss queen what if Millie Dresselhaus, the first woman to win the National Medal of science in engineering, were as famous as any celebrity . [Millie Dresselhaus was seen having lunch today. ] [. Rumors of the new discovery. ] what if we lived in a world like that . crowd applauding we know a place thats already working on it. First you start with this. These guys. A place like shhh no. Found it and definitely lipton ice tea. Lots of it. A lipton meal is what you bring to it. And the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. You never know whatll inspire you. But i take it all with me, and give it all back. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. Prone jar shatterst livthe competition. Pe . Olay regenerist hydrates skin better than creams costing over 100, 200, and even 400. Fact check this ad in good housekeeping. Olay. Ageless. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, weve been so lucky this week. We have had the fantastic musical talent of this drummer and singer from the band paris monster, whose latest single, aint no movin me can be found on itunes and bandcamp. Com. Josh dion everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you, sir. [ cheers and applause ] seth its been a fantastic week. Weve really enjoyed it. Our first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning writer and comedian who can be seen in the film snatched, in theaters everywhere may 12th. Lets take a look. Please look away. Would you just give him the danger eye . I dont even know what danger eye is. Its like this. That kind of thing. I didnt make that face. I think you gave him some danger eyes. Go go away ride or die. Seth please welcome back to the show, the one and only wanda sykes, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Hi. How are you . Seth good. So good to see you. You made this very funny film with a lot of funny people. Amy schumer, joan cusack, goldie hawn. Goldie hawn. Goldie hawn. Seth goldie hawn. And you got to do it you got to be in honolulu. Yes, yes. Seth how was that, being with funny people . It was crazy. I mean its youre in hawaii. In honolulu, it was just gorgeous. Beautiful hotel and, you know, like, you forget that youre there working. You know . Seth right. Yeah, youre like, i should go learn how to paddleboard. [ light laughter ] then youre like, oh, shoot. Im late. [ light laughter ] but yeah, it was great, and, you know, amy is always doing something. She has that crazy energy. Seth yeah. So shes, hey, lets go do a popup show tonight. So i was like, alright cool. Ill go up. Seth so just do standup. Unexpected standup . Yeah, just go do a show. Unexpected standup. Yeah. So i texted one of the makeup ladies. I said, hey, amy and i are going to go do standup at this bar. She sent back in big caps, be careful. Im like what its hawaii. What is there to be careful about . And i was like, hey amy, she said, this bar, oh, yeah, its a pretty dive bar. Its awful. Im like, okay. Then i thought about it. Well it cant be like, our awful . Seth right. [ light laughter ] seth you know, youre in hawaii. You know, so im like, so whats awful there . You know, they only got two tiki torches. [ light laughter ] its bad. They dont even put the little umbrellas in your drink. [ light laughter ] bad and, really, we get there and its like folding chairs. So im like, yall are nuts. Seth thats not that bad. Its not that bad. Did anybody get shot . No. Okay. [ light laughter ] seth well you think though there is a hawaii five0 tv show, so they must have some crime. Right, yeah, yeah. Seth but it is all about tiki torches going missing. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Seth so you joan cusack is sort of your costar. The two of you are and you describe yourself as her hype man in the movie, but theres a reason for that. Right. Right. Well yeah, were staying at the same resort that amy and goldie are staying at, and were kind of like trying to rescue them, i guess. But joan and i, were traveling together, and im her hype man, because she was in special ops, and she cut her own tongue out to avoid being, you know, tortured for secrets. Seth got it. So she cut her tongue out. Seth so joan cusack, the great joan cusack, does not have a line in this movie . Yeah, she does not have a line in the movie. [ light laughter ] you know and they gave her that option whether she wanted to have the character with lines or not dialogue and she goes, im going to go with no lines. Im like, oh, okay. Then she would do stuff, stuff like this to me. We had like a 6 00 a. M. Call time. Shed go, hey wanda, you want to run lines . Im like, you know what . [ light laughter ] you you can kiss my ass, joan cusack. [ light laughter ] seth so youre in hawaii ive got whole paragraphs to learn and shes just in there [ light laughter ] seth youre in hawaii. Youre in a tropic paradise. Was it anything like the Fyre Festival that we heard about last week . Oh, that made me laugh. I mean that is just ridiculous who trusts ja rule . Seth yeah. [ laughter and applause ] what made you go you know who seems like the best travel planner . Ja rule. You know . [ light laughter ] what makes you what makes you go, im going to send my money to ja rule . Like, who does that . Seth yeah. Who are his pr people, because i need to hire them. Seth you think this is good pr . Oh, my god. Yeah. To get people to go, hey, lets talk about ja rule. I mean, when was the last time you said ja rule . [ light laughter ] seth thats true. So this is one of those any publicity is good publicity sort of situations. Yes, yes, yes. Seth i want to i always love talking about your daughters so we were talking backstage, theyre 8 years old, you have twins. Right. Right. Boy and girl. Seth your wife is french and you were talking last time that you feel like the rest of your family speaks french to conspire against you. They do, they do. Oh, they totally do. Im picking up on words. But i can tell when theyre about to pull something over on me because they speak fast, and lower, like a lower tone. Right . So its like, oh, yeah, you know [ french impression ] blah, blah, blah. Im like okay. Im with you. Breakfast. Its sunday, so this must be brunch and then shell go [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] and the kids are like, oh, oui mama, oui mama [ mumbling ] ah, oui, oui, oui and im like oh okay. So we going to brunch. This is what theyre like [ mumbling ] and next thing you know, im sitting in the middle of a lake on a canoe. [ laughter ] the hell . [ cheers and applause ] seth not fair. Not fair at all. Seth your wife is outdoorsy. You are not. Loves to be outdoors. Seth and this a your wife she likes outdoors . Seth my wifes the same way. Shell go out in anything . Anything, anything. In the winter i thought, i really thought they were going to come take our kids away from us. I really did, at one point, because she believes in fresh air, and it was like freezing outside. Below freezing. Snow and she makes the kids go outside. Come on. Were going to go for a walk. And im like, they are going to come take our kids [ laughter ] and look at the neighbors are looking at you. Look at people, theyre all out there looking at us. [ laughter ] its bad. Seth i want to talk, youre producing a show, its called talk show, the game show. Talk show, the game show, yes. Seth so explain how that talk show, the game show works. Okay, so like talk show, the game show is to see whos the best talk show guest that night. Three celebs come out and they compete. So its like, if i say something, the audience laughs i get a point. Seth got it. But our show, we reward you for drinking. So if i came out here with a drink. Then im like, babing, point Drinking Alcohol on stage. If i say like, you know, seth, boy, i tell you its so hard being 45. Theyd be like, oh, lying about your age. Ding you know, so it works like that. Seth i know, name dropping, is that a big one . Name dropping, yes. Talking about projects, and all that. Seth gotcha. So its a lot of fun. Seth and whos the host . Hosted by guy branam. Seth gotcha. Yeah, he came up with this idea and our company, push it productions. We are producing it, its on trutv every wednesday night. Seth alright, well that fantastic. Thank you for being here. Its always so great to see you, wanda. Thank you, thanks for having me. Seth wanda sykes, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] snatched in theaters everywhere on friday, may 12th. Well be right back with Chris Gethard. [ cheers and applause ] the best tour of italy is the one you create at olive garden. Create your own tour of italy starting at 12. 99. Choose 3 of 9 of your favorites. Delicious new grilled chicken parmigiana. Always a favorite lasagna classico. And all the garden fresh salad and breadsticks you want. Have everything you love all on one plate. May you always get just what you want. Create your own tour of italy for a limited time only at olive garden. Welcome to maxx you. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. You stand out in a crowd. And are pulled together. You follow your own lead and show your strength. Always comfortable in your own skin. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx no i dont want there to be white marks. Nothing theres nothing there no dust, theres no marks. What is this . Oh my god, its dove no white marks. On a 100 colors. Oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. When i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. Theyre not. Verizon has the largest, mostreliable 4g lte network in america. Its basically made for places like this. Honey, what if it was just us out here . Right. So, i ordered you a car. Thank you. You dont want to be out here at night cause of the, uh, coyotes. Ok, thanks, bud. Bye. Be nice to have your car for some shelter. Bye. When it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. Just 45 per line for four lines. Sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. Grey goose. The worlds best tasting vodka. Doto be our next spokesperson . M seems like a good fit. But hes so boring. Im yawning just talking about him. Well its our job to change that. Uh guys. I think he can hear us. Hm. Sounds like youre on the fence. Why dont i just leave you my resume . Yes, its laminated. No thanks. Youre hired caramel has been square for far too long. Uh. Ow. Introducing new caramel m ms. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back to late night, everybody. Our next guest is a very funny actor, writer, and comedian. His comedy special, career suicide, airs this saturday night on hbo. Please welcome back to the show our friend, Chris Gethard, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth so happy to have you back. Yeah. Psyched to be here, man. Seth im so happy youre here, because you recently had the premiere of your special. This is an event where you show up, theres photos and then you screen. And you on instagram, you were running late to your own premiere . Yeah, yeah. Seth and having a meltdown . Yeah, i had to put in on instagram to stay sane. Seth and i just want to note, since we have some of the photos, it actually gets darker through the periods of the photos. Yeah, yeah. Seth you are there. That was, by the way, that was the cool version of you. [ light laughter ] yeah. Seth then you started to fall apart. Yup. Seth now we realize, uhoh, this is not good. No. Seth and finally, they go out like lights are on. [ light laughter ] so what happened . How are you late, because you lived here your whole life . Like you lived in the area. Yeah. In the tristate area. Like i, you know it was at the they premiered it at the tribeca film festival. It was very fancy for me. You know me a long time. I am legit, you can vouch for it, a lowselfesteem guy from new jersey. Like thats who i am. And hbo sent this real fancy car. And i was like, im going to live the fancy life for once. And then sat in traffic 90 minutes trying to get through the midtown tunnel. And all i could think about was like, john mulaney never has to deal with this. [ light laughter ] pete holmes, he is never late to his own premiere. Like this is the most onbrand Chris Gethard moment. [ light laughter ] this is like the biggest night of my professional life and im 20 minutes late. Seth it is very, not just onbrand for you, onbrand for the special, because the special is very funny. But its also very, its very open. Its very emotional and raw. You talk a lot about things youve gone through throughout your life. And so how have audiences reacted to it . Because i know youve done it sort of all across the world before it became this special. Did you find people reacted to it differently in different places . I did. cause like you said, its like its about depression and anxiety, still very funny, but its about that stuff. And i mean like suicides in the title. And did it all over the states. Canada, they were so nice, as youd imagine. Seth sure. Theyre like, we applaude you, this is funny, and youre brave. It was just so nice, like, london they like do not like converations about male vulnerability in london, i found out. Like, got a little quiet there. But my favorite was scotland. I did the Edinburgh Fringe festival. Seth fantastic festival. Great time. And i was in this venue one night, a scottish Bachelor Party showed up. They call them a stag party, which is like, you know like our bachelor parties multiplied by scotland. [ laughter ] seth yeah. You know what i mean, like it was bad. And im trying to do this like 90 minute long frank discussion of my suicide ideations in front of them. And ive been heckled before, but ive never had this. These drunk scottish guys, they would leave two at a time, and i was in this venue where theyd like walk down these bleacher seats then across the stage. So its totally disruptive. And they do that, like, every 90 seconds, two of them would leave. And finally, i was like, hey i get that this is not the show you guys signed up for. You didnt know what you were getting in to. Maybe if anyone is going to leave, just leave now. And from the back, one of them is like, no were all in it for the long haul. Were enjoying it. You know, and i was like, great, thank you. And then 30 seconds later, two more leave, and i was like, man you win. Scotland won. [ laughter ] like they beat me. Scotland won. Seth i mentioned in the special, because i guess it was what, 2007 . Yeah. Seth i called you we knew each other from improvising together. I called you and offered you a guest writing job on snl. And i did not realize i was too casual about it. Yeah i make jokes about seth in the show. cause he like called me up you were just like, you behaved as if we had ever spoken on the phone before. Seth right. Like wed see each other at ucb and id say like Marvel Comics are better than dc, and wed fight about that. Seth yeah wed fight about that, yeah. That was our relationship. Yeah. And then one day i get a call, and youre like, hey do you want a job at snl . And i was like, i feel like seth like seth is legit. Like some celebrities, like you find out they have a dark side. Like youre one of the most nicest, most reasonable, like down to earth guys i ever met. But i think part of that you, like, sometimes forget that you legit work in a tower in the sky. [ laughter ] you know what i mean . Like like, you were the head writer at the biggest comedic institution in american history, and youre just like, hey, gethard, want a job . And im like, i live in a room with no closet. [ laughter ] like you have to, ease me into this, man. Seth it was great. I will say, i, you know, cause of course, i look back and i hung up the phone, and i was like well that went perfect. I got my message across. And it was very funny, a decade later, to watch that special and realized, oh, i should be more careful. You freaked me out, man. Seth i should have texted you first and said, im going to call you, brace yourself. Yeah, i was like, oh my god, my whole life just changed and theres so many people i might let down. Like that was my reaction to it. [ light laughter ] seth you are a comedian, but youre also, you know weve talked about very real things. Youre not one of those comedians whos like desperate to make people laugh all the time. Are people in regular life sometimes surprised that youre a comedian . Yeah. Because im not funny offstage. And many people say im not funny onstage. [ light laughter ] im like a comedian, at this point, doing my shows about depression. But the best example of that, my favorite thing was, i talk about this in the special, in career suicide. I was once on a medication, and i was abusing it, i was going way overboard. And i developed these hemorrhoids, these internal hemorrhoids from it. And i have some jokes about that in the special, but theres one that i dont mention. I had to see this doctor four times and he had to do this procedure on me. And i go see him for the third time. And i mean im like bent over the table, you know . And he has a device in me, that im not kidding, its called an anus scope. [ light laughter ] and im like hes doing his job and im trying to, like just you know, get through it. And hes like, got the anus scope in there, and heys like hey, weve met this is the third time ive met you. Ive never actually asked what you do. Im like, im im a comedian. [ light laughter ] and hes like, youre youre a comedian . Really . Like you dont strike me as a comedian. And im like yeah, im a professional comedian. But the best part was his assistant, who had been there the whole time in the room the whole time, she out of the blue is like, hey, my nephews been doing open mics. Do you have any advice . [ laughter ] i was like, no. I dont have any. Huhuh not now, i dont have any advice right now, im sorry. [ light laughter ] seth i do have some advice on what people should talk about when theyrerunning an anus scope. [ light laughter ] yeah. I dont like giving out advice like when im not being violated by anus scope, you know what i mean . Like im shy then. Seth ive been a guest on it, im such a fan of it. You have a talk show, the Chris Gethard show, which for my money, is the most inventive talk show out there. And i am so excited its coming back. Youre gonna be doing it again. Yeah we Just Announced it today. 16 episodes, and were moving, new network, trutv. Seth youre gonna do the show live. Yeah, which i cant believe theyre letting us do that. [ light laughter ] seth yeah, becaise your show is certifiably insane. It is. Its total anarchy. Formatless. Seth the time i did the show, your entire staff the premise of the show was that you had all stayed up for 24 hours . 36 hours. Seth 36 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seth and so i showed up as a guest on the show, and it was madness. Everybodys like hair was messed up. I cried on our seth you cried, yeah. When seth came on my talk show i cried and told him how i thought i disappointed him in 2007. [ laughter ] like, that thats my take on the talk show. Seth but you had also one of the singular greatest moments in Television Last year. You did an episode again, i want people to know how fantastic the show is. You had a dumpster onstage. Yeah, yeah. Seth and you had a couple of friends of ours and a couple friends of ours, paul scheer, and jason mantzoukas. You basically had them try to guess what was in the dumpster . And people could call in and guess. Seth yeah. We would give hints and stuff. Seth and it was sort of like 20 questions. People would ask. And um, do you want to tell everybody what was in the dumpster. Paul giamatti was in the dumpster. [ laughter and applause ] seth with that, just find it on youtube. Enjoy one of the greatest hour of television from last year. Thank you so much for being here, buddy. Always so great to see you. Thank you so much. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] seth Chris Gethard, everybody. Career suicide airs this saturday night on hbo. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] introducing the combo of combos. The big bold grill combos from applebees. A grilled entree and a side. And another grilled entree. And another side. Its like youre getting two combos. A combo of combos. Combod. Like a halfrack of ribs combo, combod with a grilled chicken combo. Oh yeah, and your combo of combos could come with a side of unlimited fries. The big bold grill combos. Starting at 12. 99. Only at applebees. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. 2. 99. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. I never miss an early but with my back pain i couldnt sleep or get up in time. Then i found aleve pm. The only one to combine a sleep aid plus the 12 hour pain relieving strength of aleve. And now. Im back aleve pm for a better am. How was your vacation . Get a lil sun . Yeah, youre looking a little ripe there, buddy. Yeah, very funny. Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. When i was over there. Its just a. Little. Something i thought. You might. Like. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Bill assumed his mayo was the best choice. Assume nothing. Just like the leading brand, kraft real mayo is made with high Quality Ingredients at a price you can feel good about no wonder kraft is so good. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. Gently remove more plaque and. Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. Remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb the 1 brand used by dentists worldwide. Oralb. Brush like a pro. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Now, you know, here at late night our monologue jokes are for everyone to enjoy, but sometimes we find its fun to tell some very specific jokes that only a small group of people will get. Which brings us to a segment we call lets get specific. [ cheers and applause ] seth so here are tonights extremely specific jokes. The first joke is specifically for people who love golf. Whats a bad golfers favorite soup . A bisque. [ laughter ] fantastic. A bisque is an allowance of free shots you give to a lesser player to even the playing field. That joke was a hole in one. [ light laughter ] seth well, thank you. Im glad you enjoyed it. This next joke is for antique collectors. Whats an antique collectors Favorite Singer . Burt bacharach. [ laughter ] a bacharach vase would run you upwards of 40,000. And everyone loves the music of burt bacharach. It works on two levels. Seth oh. Well, thank you. Thank you seth hey, you look like that guy who masturbates at work. [ laughter and applause ] this next joke is for meteorologists. Why wont wile e. Coyote go outside on a cloudy day . Hes scared of anvils. [ laughter ] anvils thats the word for the flat spreading top of a cumulonimbus cloud. Theres a laugh front due to pass through my tummy, right now. Back to you, seth. [ light laughter ] seth thank you. For a weather girl you didnt seem 100 sure on how to say cumulonimbus . [ light laughter ] its a hard word. [ laughter ] seth this next joke is for sky divers. Why dont skydivers like centipedes . Because they only have 100 feet. 100 feet . Thats not enough for a sky diver. Youre going to want at least 12,000. At 100 feet you would die. [ light laughter ] seth true, and you know i cant believe i havent noticed you in the audience until this moment. [ light laughter ] all right. This will be fun. This next joke is specifically for russian spies. So if one is in the audience, this is how well catch him. How can you tell if youre talking to a russian spy . Because instead of saying goodbye, they say, i must shpion my way. [ laughter ] its like you were saying, i must be on my way, but you were saying shpion, which is russian word for spy. [ laughter ] seth does that mean youre a russian spy . Oh. It does. [ light laughter ] well, i guess the jig is up. This joke has certainly blown my cover, but i am glad it will be the last joke i ever hear before i die. [ light laughter ] shpion [ light laughter ] seth everyone, this one is for fans of the video game sonic the hedgehog. Why cant sonic be the best man at your wedding . Because hes always losing rings. [ laughter ] its funny, because if you hit him. He loses his rings. Wow, what a great moment. I will always think of this as our joke. Delilah . Yes, jason . I was going to wait, but it just seems like the perfect moment. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh delilah, will you marry ah oh. [ laughter ] seth you could tell they were longtime sonic fans from their brand new sonic tshirts. [ light laughter ] their never been worn sonic tshirts. This next joke is very, very specific. Its for people who work at jans Hardware Store in rockford, illinois. This is only for people who work at jans hardware in rockford. Where can you find mark and debbie . In aisle seven, because theyre always screwing. Oh, no i dont think i can laugh at that. Mark and debbie are both married to other people. Even though that is where we keep the screws. That is too far. Seth well, debbie better be careful. Marks seeing more people than the store does during the annual backyard bonanza sale. [ laughter ] now, thats funny. Thats true. That is true [ laughter ] seth thats it for lets get specific. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with music from devin dawson. [ cheers and applause ] introducing ritz crisp thins. A new chip thats deliciously thin ovenbaked to perfection. With spectacular flavor. Crisp thins. The new taste from ritz. Try them. In four flavors. Allure best of beauty and Marie Claires most wanted. Eyes show emotion, not your age. Olay eyes. Ageless. Rumor confirmed. Theyre playing. What . We gotta go. Where . San francisco. When . Friday. We gotta go. [ tires screech ] any airline. Any hotel. Any time. Go where you want, when you want with no blackout dates. [ muffled music coming from club. Blue monday by new order. Cheers. ] [ music and cheers get louder ] the travel rewards credit card from bank of america. Its travel, better connected. The travel rewards credit card from bank of america. Are ywith an old computer . Rform thats like lebron. Trying to perform with old equipment. Ooh. Well that is not what the fans signed up to see. Is outdated Equipment Holding you back . Upgrade your game to intels fastest processor. You should probably upgrade those, too. First you start with this. These guys. A place like shhh no. Found it and definitely lipton ice tea. Lots of it. A lipton meal is what you bring to it. And the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. My next guest is a singersongwriter out of nashville, tennessee, whos making his national t. V. Debut with us tonight and at the grand old opry tomorrow. Performing his single, all on me, please welcome devin dawson. [ cheers and applause ] yeah i know that the woes and the ways of the world can get in side our minds and be too much sometimes i know but baby dont let the nos and the ups and the downs from the rollercoaster ride beat you up inside baby doll but if you ever feel that way dont you ever hesitate cause you got my number you can call on me if youre in trouble you can fall on me when youre mad you can take it out on me when it dont add up you can count on me when youre low come get high on me make it slow take your time on me settle in let it out come and lay on me when it gets heavy put the weight on me baby put it all on me put it all on me wanna take you out on the town on my dime anytime tell me when youre free we can do anything and everything you want yeah oh i wanna hear all your fears and your troubles strip it down really get to know one another when its nobody but you and me just us girl you know im here for you you can lean on me anytime you need to you got my number you can call on me if youre in trouble put the fall on me when youre mad you can take it out on me when it dont add up you can count on me when youre low come get high on me make it slow take your time on me settle in let it out come and lay on me when it gets heavy put the weight on me baby put it all on me put it all on me girl put it all on me all right cmon relax your mind on me when you need a shoulder you can cry on me baby you can bet your life on me put it all on me you got my number you can call on me if youre in trouble put the fall on me when youre mad you can take it out on me when it dont add up you can count on me when youre low come get high on me make it slow take your time on me settle in let it out come and lay on me when it gets heavy put the weight on me baby put it all on me yeah baby put it all on me woo put it all on me put it all on me baby all right [ cheers and applause ] seth devin dawson, folks. Download all on me now. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] all you need is love plays my friends know me so well. They can tell what im thinking, just by looking in my eyes. But what they didnt know was that i had dry, itchy eyes. I used artificial tears from the moment i woke up. To the moment i went to bed. So i finally decided to show my eyes some love,. Some eyelove. Eyelove means having a chat with your eye doctor about your dry eyes because if youre using artificial tears often and still have symptoms, it could be chronic dry eye. Its all about eyelove, my friends. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to wanda sykes, Chris Gethard, devin dawson, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] josh dion, 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ] carson hey, whats up . Its carson daly. Tonights last call coming to you from the penthouse suite at the time new york hotel, and coming up, actress gina torres is in out spotlight. The menzingers perform tonight
comparemela.com © 2020. All Rights Reserved.