I like to knit. Dont hate. And whos that for . Oh, this is a gift for my man, nate, here. What . Yeah. Darryl, you shouldnt have. Can i open it . No, no, no, maybe just ah, i cant wait, im sorry, im too excited. Darryl. Wow, those are really nice. Theyre so elegant. Cashmere. Howd you know . Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way. Cant wait. Im glad youre in my life, happy valentines day. Oh, darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Your card is more beautiful than the gloves. My first task as special project manager, Dwight Schrute . Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who will help me get an inroad with the gayhispanic community. People who wont be missed. We dont need idiots. This hurts. Good for nothings. Methheads. Or whats your name . Kathy. Kathy. [phone beeps] i just got a text from robert california that says, bring your clubs to florida. Why . Does he think youre going to florida . I hope not, because i am not going. Two question marks. No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know, its like, whwhat . Just do one. You want to take darryl, phyllis, toby, angela, and oscar . Yes. Can i interest you in someone less essential . Like a a creed or a meredith perhaps . Are you kidding me . Im supposed to get on an airplane with those nincompoops . Wed never make it off the runway. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow, so i have put together a list. Heres your team. Darryl and phyllis, you can have. But youre also taking kathy, kelly, and kin. Oh, god. Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links . I have, and now i no longer own an arctic wolf. Sidebyside, so you get the same coverage, often for less. Thats one smart board what else does it do, reverse gravity . [ laughs ] split atoms . [ flo chuckles ] [ whirring ] hey, hows that atomsplitting thing going . Oh a smarter way to shop around now thats progressive. Call or click today. And now, theres a plan that lets you experience that new phone thrill again and again. And again. Can you close your new phone box . Were picking up some feedback. Introducing verizon edge. The plan that lets you upgrade to a new verizon 4glte phone when you want to. Having what you want on the network you rely on. Thats powerful. Verizon. Upgrade to the new moto x by motorola with zero down payment. Well, lets hear it. Robert, hey exclamation point. I like it so far. Got your text, awesome idea. Lets hit the links the next time youre in p. A. Dash, j. H. Its perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the florida. Yeah, its a golf text. Total golf text, send it. Done wait, i just feel weird. I should just call him. You want to call someone that texted you . Do you want to drive them away . I mean . [phone rings] this is darryl. Oh, sorry, i asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse. I want to send my girlfriend some flowers. Your girlfriend . Is your girlfriend val . Yeah, do you know her . Were friends, were friends. Cool. Uh, so can i get that address or . Yeah, yeah, sorry, im just looking for a pen. Why do you need a pen . Back off. I got my reasons. May i have your attention, please . Could kathy, phyllis, darryl, kevin, and kelly please join me in the Conference Room immediately. Why . Oh, no big deal. Its just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a threeweek, all expenses paid business trip to tallahassee, florida. Hell, yeah. What . Oh, im sorry, stanley. I cant share any more details with you. You see, andy rejected you. Wait, kathy gets to go . Why does she even still work here . Pam is back. It just feels like a slap in the face. I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what . Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. Im sure he had his reasons. Were not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are. He was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime. Well, he nailed it. Because i do deserve a vacation. Sometimes batmans got to take off his cape. What were the criteria for going . It might be innate goodness versus innate badness. But theres an easy way to find out. Oh, andy, got a few questions for you. Moshi moshi. [chuckles] uh, the florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they werent picked, and maybe you could just clarify. Uh, well, the deliberations were confidential, so i feel like we should respect that. Respect it . Youre trying to tell me kevin malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson . Hey. Okay, its obvious that andy picked the people that are least important to the office. Important . Oh, because you and your enormous monsterbaby are so important to the branch. My baby is not a monster. Hey, be proud of your enormous monsterbaby. I was once an enormous monsterbaby. Guys, guys, guys, come on, seriously . We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys. Stop calling us guys. I use the word guys a lot when im nervous. Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Andy, please. Stop it, andy. Dudes andy. The dudes who are going to florida were picked by dwight and me. Okay, hey, i specifically remember that there were a lot of other people i thought should be considered. If anybodys going to florida, it should be me. Every shirt that i have that isnt a work shirt is a tommy bahama. Okay, i did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly. So if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to florida, im happy to hear you out. Great idea. So why doesnt everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to florida, and andy and i will listen to it. No, that is a ridiculous waste of time. For you, maybe. Five to six hours . Three to four hours. No, no, no, no. Just two to three hours come up with a statement over the next hour. 30 minutes. Im out. Okay, read it back to me. Robert, great offer. Wish i could hit the links with you in florida, but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets. Good, doesnt sound pushy. Youre just stating a fact. Absolutely. Works for me. Okay, sending. Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning. We really did. [phone beeps] he responded lol. [laughs loudly] i have a new swimsuit i need to break in. I already picked my team. Darryl, oscar, angela, phyllis, and toby. And that is the team that i am taking. Whats that . Its not up to me . I only have influence . Well, thats all baltzer glattfielder had, and now no one eats owls for thanksgiving. You have two young, dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. Thats myself and kelly kapoor. You need one of us there. Or both. Not both. Just one. Me. Or if not me, kelly. Ideally, me. Again, youth knowledge. Thats what you get when you put ryan howard on your special project team. Or kelly kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks. Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that. Mmhmm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat. Because i feel like that im at a place with my gambling rehab that i can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport. Maybe putting down a few dollars, if theres, like, a crazy mismatch or something. Okay, thank you, kevin. Well let you know. Thank you. When do we leave . Thank you. Florida stanley smiles. Florida stanley is happy to go to work. Florida stanley is who you want on your florida team. Its still, well [knock at door] hey, guys, any spots left . Erin, you want to go to tallahassee . I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head. You know, i dont think its a good idea for you to clear your head anymore than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality. Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in, i would love to go. Well, it wouldnt be hard to find someone to fill in. Really . Oh, great, good. Now, is it too dark to say that ceces having an operation . I think you need to go to florida. I think youre right. Its only for three weeks. You know, with my mom and sister at the house itll be a total nightmare. I was going to say, good, because ill have all the help i need. Yeah, thats what im saying. Theyre incredibly helpful. Youre lucky to have them. I mean, with them there, you probably wont even know im gone. Exactly. Well no, no, absolutely not. You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Tunes, im really sorry. Youre too essential to the operation here. I cant let you go. I wouldnt say that. Thats a bit much. You know, dwight, if you didnt want me to go, the smart move would be to tell andy that i actually am essential to the operation. That way i couldnt go. Jim is essential to hold on, just want to get it on camera. Andy, jim is just too ess essential. This is stupid. Cut. All right, im going to pack my trunks. He doesnt even want to go. Well, i got a text from r. C. Inviting me to come down, so i think thats going to make us roommates. Oh, my god. Hey, quick estion. Do you shower at night or do you shower in the morning . Because i want to shower when youre showering to save some water. Okay, listen up, everyone. Heres whos going to florida. Kathy. What . Stanley. No. Ryan. No. Erin. [bleep]. And jim. You got to be [bleep] kidding me. Okay, okay. Florida group, welcome to the team. Aah we have got a safe driver headed toward the freeway. He is doing 44 in a 45, now looks like he is headed into a tunnel. The headlights are coming on, its dark in there, thats good. In the nation, safe just got a little more exciting. Alright hes out. Add vanishing deductible from nationwide insurance and get 100 off for every year of safe driving. Hes entering the freeway, blinker is on. Just another way we put members first. Because we dont have shareholders. Look at that. Bill, thats a perfect merge. Join the nation. I mean that was just, that was flawless. Nationwide is on your side yeah. Yeah. Then howd i get this. [ voice of dennis ]. Allstate safe driving bonus check . What is that . [ normal voice ] so weird, right . My agent, tom, said. [ voice of dennis ]. Only allstate sends you a bonus check for every six months youre accidentfree. [ normal voice ]. But im a woman. Maybe its a misprint. Does it look like a misprint . Ok. What i was trying. [ voice of dennis ] silence. Ask an allstate agent about the safe driving bonus check. Are you in good hands . [ horn honks ] kevin toaster strudel, yah . Warm, flaky, gooey toaster strudel. Faster than kenny can dodge a question. Honey, howd that test go . [ female announcer ] in just 60 seconds, youve got snackdefying, satisfying mmmm. Totinos pizza rolls. Mmm hmmm. Mmmm. [ female announcer ] zero to pizza. Pronto. [knock] no one was at home, but on the Kitchen Table sat three insurance policies. The first had lots of coverage. The second, only a little. But the third was. Just right bear hi yeah, we love visitors. Thats why we moved to a secluded house in the middle of the wilderness. Just the right coverage at just the right price. Coverage checker from progressive. Did nana ever give you cheerios when you were a little kid . Yeah, she did. Were cheerios the same back then . Cheerios has pretty much been the same forever. So. When we have cheerios, its kind of like we are having breakfast with nana. Yeah. Yeah. Youre so smart. [ female announcer ] kleenex tissues help stop moisture better than the leading competitor. Dont get caught without kleenex tissues. Stop moisture better than the leading competitor. Lets go. Step it up, you runts. Lets go. Step it up, you runts. You infants, lets move. Why is it so hot in here . Hot . What are you talking about . This is a nice, temperate, florida morning. 85 degrees, 73 humidity. This is the exact environment that you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are going to be the most miserable youve ever faced. Theyre going to be hard, theyre going to be dirty. Youre going to wish you were dead. But. But . Theres no buts. Thats it, youll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, do you want to stay here . No, no, i want to go. Because if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. Is that the buzzer from taboo . Shut up, maggot it is. You dont want to go, ring the bell. Ring it, ring it. How many of you have seen the documentary deliverance . How did a mosquito get in here . I released 300 mosquitoes into the Conference Room. Just temporarily. When im done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. Then he brushes your soft, supple cheeks with his worn, leathery hands and says, im going to make you the seventh mrs. Rosenblatt. Unless you ring the bell, ring it. No. Ring the bell. You want to spend the rest of your life changing your husbands colostomy bags . Huh, do you . Ring it. Ah. [bell rings] what was that . Mosquito. [sighs] [growls] orientations over. Oh, darryl, hey. Hey, whats up . You called . Yeah, you know, i felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and i didnt get you anything. Its cool, really. No, its anything but cool. Now, i havent really had time to go out and buy you anything, but here goes. This coupon entitles you to one free ticklemonster attack. Yeah, theyre nate coupons, or napons, and theyre all different. Cash that one in and i will bring you a stick of gum. Any time, any place. Ill find you. Thanks. Nice flowers. Thanks, theyre from my m. Your mom . Yeah. Oh, so i guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address . Real deepvoiced woman. Yeah, thats her. She said her name was brandon, i think. Your moms name is brandon . Yeah, darryl, my moms name is brandon. I guess i figured out where i stand. This is a love beanie. Okay, florida team, lets reconvene. Im going to florida and im not coming back. So sabre has set up a Conference Room for our use while were at corporate. So what is this special project . Basically, sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to setup their own version of an apple store. That sounds awesome. It did, it did. You know what might be great is if instead of a genius bar, we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it. Yeah, and they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you dont have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check. Oh, dont write it down unless you like it. Oh, i like it. It seems to me that the apple store is kind of like a party, so i think our question is, how do we make this a better party . No, we sell business tools, and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other Stores Look Like a toy store. Right, think different from apple. Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us . Yes. What are my expectations for the group . I had been given the responsibility to manage stanley, a solid player. Ryan, who is capable of surprises. Erin, an excellent follower. And kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, jim. Under the right manager, thats not a bad team. Perfectenschlag. Try our fresh, new, housemade guacamole bites or savory new nacho bites. For a limited time, pair with two favorites for just 9. 99. Chilis triple dipper. More life happens here. We have got a safe driver headed toward the freeway. He is doing 44 in a 45, now looks like he is headed into a tunnel. The headlights are coming on, its dark in there, thats good. In the nation, safe just got a little more exciting. Alright hes out. Add vanishing deductible from nationwide insurance and get 100 off for every year of safe driving. Hes entering the freeway, blinker is on. Just another way we put members first. Because we dont have shareholders. Look at that. Bill, thats a perfect merge. Join the nation. I mean that was just, that was flawless. Nationwide is on your side and more on how the fit makes us feel . Take the special k challenge™, and slip into size sassy. Hey, were gonna have a good day Car Insurance Companies Say theyll save you by switching, youd have, like, a ton of dollars. But how are they saving you those dollars . A lot of Companies Might answer um or no comment. Then theres esurance. Born online, raised by technology and majors in efficiency. So whatever they save, you save. Hassle, time, paperwork, hairtearing out, and, yes, especially dollars. Esurance. Insurance for the modern world. Now backed by allstate. Click or call. Esurance. Insurance for the modern world. [ mom ] in my family, so we just look for this g. cause General Mills makes over 40 yummy flavors that are 130 calories or less per serving. And theyre packed with vitamins and minerals. From lucky charms to cheerios. Over 40 cereals. 130 calories or less. [ laughs ] [ female announcer ] hey ladies. You love it. Youve got to have it. Cinnamon toast crunch, cause that cinnamon and sugar is so irresistible. Everybody craves those crazy squares. ® cause that cinnamon and sugar is so irresistible. [ female announcer ] its time healthy gets a dose of happy. New yoplait greek. Byebye, stir. So long, sour. Hello, happy. Its time to lick the lid again. I dont know how im going to live here without you. Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair . I just realized im not going to need it down there. Yes, i will take your coat and i will keep it with me. And i will sleep with it, because it smells like you. No, no, no, no, just put it on my chair. All right. Bye. Bye. Call me when you land. I will. Safe travels. Goodbye. For a very, very long time. Hmm . Okay. Its only three weeks. All expenses paid. Yeah, jims going to be there. That marriage is not good. Nobody knows better than me. Definitely we will. Its three weeks in tallahassee. What else is there to do . [ mom ] in my family, so we just look for this g. cause General Mills makes over 40 yummy flavors that are 130 calories or less per serving. And theyre packed with vitamins and minerals. From lucky charms to cheerios. Over 40 cereals. 130 calories or less. [ laughs ] [ female announcer ] hey ladies. You love it. Youve got to have it. Cinnamon toast crunch, cause that cinnamon and sugar is so irresistible. Everybody craves those crazy squares. ® right . is this the bacon and cheese diet . This is the creamy chicken corn chowder. I mean, look at it. So indulgent. This is so much more. Whats different . Oh, its my chicken and cheese enchilada diet. Well keep it up, honey. Its working. Oh, gracias did i tell you i am on the. [ both ] chicken pot pieiet me too lisa, did iell you im on the. [ male announcer ] soups so indulgent, youll never believe theyre light. 100calorie progresso light soups. The following program contains dangerous stunts that should not be reenacted and mature material. Viewer discretion is advised. [ music ] now on whacked out sports, our lights are on for danger. A sledder goes cliff diving. A riders stuck in reverse. Plus, munchkin wrestling. Should it be outlawed . Heres why im taking you ing. Chuck wagon racing. And the whacked out sports top five. Its whacked out sports, diving into an er near you right now. Hey thrill seekers, thanks for checking us out as we check these stunt junkies in, to the nearest emergency room. If youre a connoisseur of comas, concussions, or good ol compound fractures, youve come to the right place. I read this interview with conan obrien once. Thats right, jerks, i can read. You should try it sometime. The reporter asked whats the funniest thing in the world . Conan said when someone hurts himself while trying to show off. Conan, i hope youre watching. There he goes. Nope. Almost. Hmm, he crashed out of eye shot. That wasnt very satisfying. Ah, thats more like it. I dont wish ill on ace jones but you cant pull stunts like this with such attitude and not expect something bad to happen. They say pried goeth without a fall. Theres the pride, and theres the fall. All right, my peeps and peepettes, to scene i can switzerland where the clocks arent the only thing coocoo. Welcome to the world of the european professional hang gliding circuit. Here we are at lake oh my god, im drowning with Mitch Michaelson is demonstrating the loopy loop of death. I have not excited. I hadnt been traveling or doing competitions for a couple of years and i had just broken up with a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, World Smallest violin. Get looping, im on a tight schedule. Thats better. Now we can see mitch in action, flying and looping and thing he knows his winds on fire . Whatever. The flaming loop deloop of death is a dangerous trick and he needs a set of bells to pull it off. Thats hard to switch watch. Heres an idea, how about renaming the loop de loop of death to hitting the loop at 75 miles an hour and having your lungs filled with water. Not as catchy, but peoplenow what to expect. You know, i get asked all the time, announcer boy, how come theres so many car crashes on your show . Despite what you think, its not just to get
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