Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170822

So order the game of thrones spoilerproof bucket today. Just 59. 95, express shipping available. The best part is you can take it apple picking and use it to hold the apples. Or you could use it to hold the severed head of cersei lan no announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Michael Moore, Sutton Foster, and musical guest 6lack. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey woo cheers and applause hey, everybody whats going on youre too kind. Folks cheers welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause i began my day as i often do, by checking Donald Trumps twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, i really think hes off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel, tweeting what . What wont you allow . Socks with sandals . Dancing in public . laughter please tell me its not alcohol. I needs my drank cheers and applause i gotta have it. What could it be what could it be it took him 10 minutes to tell us what it was. What could it be. 10 minutes later he told us what he wont allow includes thank you . bleep . cheers and applause he doesnt say it. Sorry. cheers and applause but why the hell would he do this . This isnt even one of his campaign promises. Back in the campaign he tweeted this what the will does he think the t in l. G. B. T. Stands for . Trump . Tomato . Id like an l. G. B. T. Sandwich, hold the mayonnaise, and no gay stuff, okay. laughter the whole thing the whole thing took trumpsupporter Caitlyn Jenner by surprise. She tweeted cheers and applause caitlyn, i dont know if im the first person to break this to you, but hes a liar. laughter applause i know i know i know he said he was your friend, but he was using you, girl. You deserve better laughter and those 15,000 transgender troops, who volunteered to serve our country, were minding their own business, protecting our freedoms, when they all got fired by tweet. Thats like your wife divorcing you by cookie bouquet. laughter and keep in mind, this is what really stings they are being rejected by a rich guy who during vietnam sidestepped the draft with four deferments and a medical disqualification for bone spurs in his foot. Audience boo stephen yeah, yeah, i know, but they were manly bone spurs in a powerful dude foot, okay, that just got all ouchie when he put it in a boot. And some transgender veterans are not taking it, like former navy seal kristin beck, who said cheers and applause thats a navy seal. I wouldnt hold my breath if i were you. I doubt hes going to show. What with the foot and all. And lets talk about those tremendous medical costs. Its estimated that healthcare for transgender personnel would add between 2. 4 million and 8. 4 million per year to the militarys healthcare budget. To put that number in perspective, the military spends five times as much on viagra. And if your erection lasts for more than four hours, thats too bad, because youre stuck on a submarine for the next six months. So clearly why so much viagra . Is that why they dont use bayonets anymore . They just put an edge on that thing . Just sharpen that thing up to a mirror polish. Put that one over there. Over there. So, clearly, its not about the money or the military, because the pentagon seems to have been unaware that trump has decided to bar transgender people from the military. So, the pentagon didnt even know. Wait a second, trump said he consulted with my generals. I know, that must have been a typo. He meant my genitals. laughter damn you, siri. Damn you, siri. cheers and applause its not his fault. Its not his fault. So why is he being a jerk . Other than practice . Probably to try to distract everybody from the fact that repeal and replace is getting ass and kicked. cheers and applause okay, you guys remember yesterday we were talking about this yesterday. Yesterday you guys might want to watch yesterday. Yesterday we were talking about how the Senate Republicans celebrated narrowly voting to open debate on their Obamacare Repeal bill. Well, that victory is on life support already, because last night, their plan to replace obamacare lost at 4357. But because the republicans had a backup plan for their backup plan, it wasnt over because today the senate voted on an amendment that would repeal obamacare but not take effect for two years, giving lawmakers time to come together on a replacement plan before people lose their health care. Good news, honey, i know i promised to redo the bathroom. I couldnt agree on how to do it, so i tore out the sink and the toilet. Now, dont poop for two years. They held the vote today this afternoon they held the vote today and they lost again 4555. cheers and applause but thats five times. They lost five times. But dont worry. They have a backupbackup backup plan, the socalled skinny repeal, which i think is made with soy milk. Oh, you know who could use some antianxiety medication . Members of the trumps cabinet. Because he will turn on you faster than an inbred dalmatian. For days now, over a week, hes been attacking attorney general Jeff Sessions, who was the first senator to endorse him during the campaign. You know what they say keep your friends close, and dont be Donald Trumps friend. applause friendship . Friendship . Jon yeah, friendship. Stephen i dont know. This morning, trump went after Jeff Sessions again, tweeting man that is that is all over the place. Man that is that is all over the place. Forget the swamp drain that tweet. And get this trump launched that twitter attack while sessions was at the white house, and trump was tweeting at him from another corner of the same building laughter mr. President , as your attorney general, i wish to discuss an important matter and i see you have retreated to your tweetin corner. I respectfully await your abuse. Where is the spanking machine . laughter so, the white house is in chaos, okay. Nobody trusts anybody there. His healthcare push is failing. His Approval Rating is plummeting. So to cheer himself up, he threw himself a rally in ohio last night. That is just sad to see a grown man who cant go a day without hearing the cheers of an adoring crowd. Am i right . cheers and applause its ridiculous. Its ridiculous. Audience Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen that is, obviously, a joke. laughter its also a great replacement for viagra. laughter and it must have been a great rally last night, because today trump tweeted yes, it was the largest crowd ever assembled at the 6,000 person capacity covelli centre. So, i assume they broke the record for most 6,000 . But remember, he said it broke all records. I assume he had the worlds tallest man, longest fingernails guy, the fat motorcycle twins. Also, somehow it was the highest grossing bollywood film of all time. Trump took the opportunity to answer his critics. Sometimes they say he doesnt act president ial. In fact, i said, it is much easier, by the way, to act president ial than what we are doing here tonight, believe me. Stephen because what we are doing here tonight is an absolute embarrassment to the office. Believe me. This is not president ial at all. applause and, of course, as to be expected, donald trump was very humble about his place in history. With the exception of the late, great abraham lincoln, i can be more president ial than any president that has ever held this office. Stephen more president ial no. Audience boo stephen more president ial than washington, who invented the presidency. Who won the revolutionary war. And for the record he did it with bone spurs in his mouth. Weve got a great show for you tonight, Michael Moore is here. But when we come back, the mooch heeeey hello moto. 21 liftoff. Phone. Projector. Make out party. Buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Get on up, mama. Get on up. Do what you want. Do you want, let the record hop. Degree motionsense. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. 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Stephen well, folks, we are still getting to know newly hired White House Communications director and man whos walking here, anthony scaramucci. Aaaay this morning, he described what kind of guy he is on fox friends. What i dont like about washington is people do not let you know how they feel. Theyre very nice to your face, and then they take a shiv or a machete, and they stab it in your back. I dont like it. Im a wall street guy, and im more of a frontstabbing person. laughter stephen hes a front stabber. Finally, someone ben carson can relate to. laughter yesterday, the mooch threatened to fire his whole department, saying, the people in the room can stay in the room. They have to stop leaking. If they dont stop leaking, im going to put them out on pennsylvania avenue. You want to sell postcards to the tourists outside the gate, or do you want to work in the west wing . Hmm. Thats a tough choice. People who sell postcards dont make much money, but they also rarely get subpoenaed. Im not sure. A coin toss. applause cheers but then but then someone leaked that the mooch was trying to fire a press aide named Michael Short. Apparently, everyone in washington knew, except Michael Short, who said, no one has told me anything, and the entire premise is false. Which is also the title of the g. O. P. s new healthcare bill. cheers and applause but but but turns out, by the end of the day, Michael Short was gone. But scaramucci was enraged about the leak saying laughter stephen im sorry, i missed that in c. C. D. Im a roman catholic. What is the catholic doctrine against leaking that someones getting fired . Okay, youre supposed to do it like jesus get everyone together at dinner and say someone at this table will betray me. Its you judas. How about some frontstabbing . okay gah this is my body, this is my knife but listen the mooch was clear, okay. Leakers must go. And i have found the source of the leak by googling it. Turns out the initial leak that short was going to get fired came from a political article whose source was scaramucci. Mooch no, mooch the leak is coming from inside your own skull its stabbing time he gah gah gah gah applause well, today the mooch sat down with chris cuomo and refused to talk about the firing. Did the president tell you, get rid of this guy, hes one of the leakers . Im not going to answer that question. Why . Because i just said i wasnt going to answer it. I know, but what happened to being straight . What happened to im not gonna obfuscate . Im straightly, straightly not answering your question. laughter stephen hey, im an open book. Okay . The pages are blank, and the title is book. you figure it out. Okay, let me straighten out something. Hey, is that straight enough for you . cheers and applause didnt know it was loaded. The mooch went on to defend trumps treatment of attorney general and man trying to order one more cheddar bay biscuits, Jeff Sessions. Youve got to have a very tough skin to work for and deal with the president. But if he respects your toughness and he respects your honesty and your loyalty, somebody said, as you guys were entering this eighthour segment, that the loyalty for the president is onesided. Thats absolute nonsense, okay . He is a symmetrical loyalist, for sure. If you take care of him, hes going to take care of you. Stephen yeah, you know, one tiny hand washes the other. Okay . You scratch my back, i stab your front. laughter well be right back with Michael Moore. Discover card. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. You can do endless onlineve research about the ct6. Or you can come in and have it all for less than you might imagine. Dont wait. 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Brewed to be americas favorite light lager. band playing band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, my first guest tonight is an oscarwinning documentary filmmaker, bestselling author, and now a broadway star. Please welcome Michael Moore applause cheers and applause cheers and applause man stephen nice to see you again. Yes, thank you. Stephen welcome to the neighborhood. Our theater is on broadway here, and now youre opening on broadway. How do you like working on the great white way . Actually, my production office, were also making another film right now, is right across the street from you. Stephen on broadway. Right here. Literally, were like five floors i can actually every day we look down into your office. Stephen my office . And your writers. Stephen ive got to get some pants on no, youre fine. Youre fine. Stephen im okay. Youre fine. Its the writers, they occasionally end up on the roof. Stephen we have a roof we have a roof deck we go on. And ive been thinking about putting this on facebook because it looks like theyre up there passing a marlborough around or something. Im not stephen they can only afford one cigarette at a time, strangely. laughter i dont know why. We have to pay them more or Something Like that. What is it, though, about this corner you and i are on. The drilling every day, every day theres some crazy drilling. Stephen i think its trumps friends in the construction business. They just got theres a guy jackhammering up 15 floors up near my head all the time. You hear it every day. Stephen thats all i hear. I hear it right now when were on air. Listen, buddy, we havent talked to you in a while. Let me get your take on something. Transgender military ban. He announced it today just by fiat, like, didnt talk to anybody, didnt tell anybody, no lawyers, didnt talk to the military. Just got up this morning and said, you know, lets get those folks, and just tweeted it and theres no implication of what it means. No one knows. Nobody answered any questions. Sarah Huckabee Sanders threatened to shut down the briefing today if anybody asked about it. What is so disgusting about this, if you are transgender trying to get by in this society, i couldnt think of any more brave people to have defending this country than transgenders because every day. cheers and applause theyve got i mean stephen what do they do now . There are thousands of Transgender Service men and women, what do they do now . They should refuse to leave. Seriously, 15,000 applause just say, were not going anywhere. Come get us. Let him go. Let him go as the commander actually stephen they have a lot of weapons. They do have a lot of weapons. What we have is a commander in chief who is transsiberian. Thats maybe the bigger problem. Stephen Jeff Sessions is getting a lot of heat from the president. Yeah, which is sad because he was his, like, main policy adviser, his best friend in the campaign. Stephen a lot of his early staff was sessions staff. Before there was trumpism, there was sessionism. Before that it was just called racism, but you know. cheers and applause stephen it makes you question whether anybody would trust donald trump because politics is all about, you know, i do a favor, you do me a favor. But trump is a little bit more you do me a favor and stabbing time. Yeah. Stephen a year ago you wrote an open letter predicting donald trump would win. When no one else thought he was going to win, you said, no, i think hes going to win. So, first of all, congratulations . No, no. Stephen you were right. No, ive never wanted to be more wrong in my life. Well, i live in michigan. cheers right, so i was trying to warn the rest of the country, out here, people who voted for obama were telling me they were going to vote for him. And it was like, oh, wow. And so, you know, i actually contacted the people in the Clinton Campaign and said, i think you need to spend more time in michigan, wisconsin, ohio, pennsylvania. These are the Brexit States of america. And theres a lot of angry people. They dont sort of like trump that much, but they see him as their human molotov cocktail that they want to just throw into the system that has hurt them so badly. And i couldnt get anybody to listen to mow. Stephen but you were so prescient about him winning, now that hes been president for about seven months, has he met your expectations . Like, is this what you thought i mean, high or low expectations, this is what you thought it was going to be like . I am amazed at i knew we would get hit a lot by all the things he was going to do. I did not expect a daily, hourly fire hose of bleep in our face. applause i mean, it was just its one thing after another that stephen you do you do want to read the news with a snorkel. laughter yes. And some wet wipes. But its but the thing, is i think what has been amazing is that is that while he, obviously, gets distracted, we all like to laugh at him with the shiny keys and hes off on something else, he also, though, has his shiny keys and we get distracted by them. So he goes off on mika or joe, or whatever the tweet is that morning. And then later in the day is doing something to our national parks, or is ending funding to keep the great lakes clean or these other things. And we have to make sure we dont get distracted too much by his shiny keys and stay on top of this. applause in a way that its a lot of work. Stephen now, youve got your broadway show right now. It is called Michael Moore on broadway the terms of my surrender. So is this you giving up . Are you are you waving the white flag and saying this is how the world is now . No, youre focusing on the wrong word. Not surrender its terms. What are my terms. Stephen what are the terms of Michael Moores surrender. You have to come see the show. I will tell you this. I will say this. I will say this. I refuse to live in a country where donald trump is president and im not leaving. So somethings got to change. applause stephen vote. You three and a half more years. Well stephen do you think he makes it another three and a half years. Oh, i, i actually i live with the attitude and im sorry to i dont mean to go dark on you here. But just think of you all know your age right now. How old are you going to be in 2025 . The possibility exists that donald trump will be your, our president in the year 2025 at that age that youre at. Right. We dont want to think that. But we were also a year ago sitting here not myself but other people, you know, theres no way hes going to win. Theres no way. Hillarys got this in the bag. They were already popping the champagne corks and celebrating. We have to form an army of citizens and come at him like a swarm of bees wheres its hes getting hit one way, all the way. applause and, frankly, i suggested a few months ago that we have an army of satire, because i think the way to bring him down is with satire. His thin skin, as you pointed out so well, is so thin, all we need is 1,000 or a million little comedy shivs nonviolent, dont hurt him, under his skin because he cant take being laughed at. Stephen you have to do it on fox friends. Thats all he watches. Hes watching you stephen cheers and applause stephen i really dont think so. No, no, no, and ill tell you and the army of satire, we already have given our first medal of honor to melissa mccarthy, because shes taken down the First Trump Administration official with satire. applause stephen please come back. I will. And, actually, i have, in my broadway show, a little talk show each night for 10 minutes. And i would love it if you would come on my show judge. Stephen done. Its just down the block. Stephen the terms of my surrender is in previews this friday and opens august 10. Michael moore, everybody well be right back with Sutton Foster. With advil, youll ask what twisted ankle . What muscle strain . Advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. Gently remove more plaque and. Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. Remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb the 1 brand used by dentists worldwide. Oralb. Brush like a pro. We, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. We want hd. And every box and dvr. All included. Because we dont like surprises. Yeah. Like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. And talented. Really. And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get 4 rooms with hd, dvr, and every box included for 25 a month. Call 1800directv. When you switch to progressive. Winds stirring. Too treacherous for a selfie. [ camera shutter clicks ] sure, ive taken discounts to new heights with safe driver and paperless billing. But the prize at the top is worth every last breath. Here we go. [ grunts ] got em. Ahh. Wait a minute. Whole wheat waffles . [ crying ] why band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the program. My next guest is a twotime Tony Awardwinning actress, singer, dancer and star of the series younger. Please welcome Sutton Foster. applause stephen hey, nice to see you again. Its nice to see you, too. Stephen now, you are on your way to becoming a broadway legend. Oh. Stephen a twotime tony winner. But the most legendary thing i didnt know this. I think this is a famous thing about you and i am sorry i didnt know about this before. How you got your big break on broadway is incredible. You can tell the people the event that made you here . I was the understudy turned star. I did thoroughly modern millie back 15 years ago. Stephen you were the understudy for the lead. I was the understudy for the lead and out of town the lead got sick and i came in and took over the part stephen thats a movie. Yeah, and then they offered me the part and then i won a tony. applause stephen you know what . You should really play you in the movie about this. Thats the sort of thing you dream, when youre a kid, of happening. Yeah, but you never you know, i didnt, like, throw marbles or take her down. It was like all stephen you didnt Tanya Harding her or anything like that . No, it happened naturally in a weird way. Stephen did you grow up dreaming of Something Like that . Not that specifically. Stephen where did you grow up . I was born in georgia but then lived in michigan. applause yeah right outside of detroit. And i i mean, i used to, that was like the only and that was back before, you know, the internet and the worldwide web and i would like stephen ive heard of it. And i would like but the tony awards and i would watch that on tv and listen to cast recordings and stuff and i would practice my tony award speech in my bedroom at 15 years old. But i never thought that it would be and now i have two its so weird its like the strangest thing. And theyre, like, in my house so i still, like, freak out, you know. Stephen do you ever put them on your dresser at night and go, which of you loves me more . I will do that tonight because i wonder which one. Stephen at the same age youre pretending to win a tony and giving your speech in your hair brush, youre also on star search. The late, great, ed mcmahon. Yes, sir. Stephen and we have a clip of you on star search. Youre my world youre every prayer i pray challenger Sutton Foster receives three and a half stars. Stephen three and a half stars. Yeah. Stephen out of how many stars . Out of four. Stephen three and a half out of four. So did you win . No, i lost, yeah, yeah. Stephen who won . This guy named Richard Blake who is a wonderful actor, in bronx tale on broadway, he is amazing but every time i see him i give him squinty eyes. Stephen does he lord it over you . Why, because i have two tonys . laughter applause stephen you know what you just did . You know what you just did . I dropped the mic . Stephen you engaged in a little frontstabbing. I did. Stephen you frontstabbed him. This is for my friend tony your tv series, younger congratulations. Thank you. Stephen youre in your fourth series fourth season. You play eliza. Eliza, liza miller, a 41 yearold who is pretending to be a millennial, 27. I had a birthday, thank god. So now im at least one year older. Stephen a 41yearold playing a 27yearold. Yeah. Stephen you totally are believable as a 27yearold. Well, thats nice. Thank you stephen thank you for being that way. laughter i dont know what to say. I dont know how to say that. Thank you for looking way younger than you are. Youre so welcome stephen is there anything you change about, like, your walk or anything like that . As an actress, how do you go, okay, have to get into younger spine . What is it you do to make yourself younger. Im a young im 42, so im a young 42. Im pretty naive. Ill still pretty green about many things. But i feel like youth or the idea of youth, you know, ive never felt the need to lie about my age, me, myself. But i feel like the idea of youth is how you look at the world, right . Hopeful optimism and try new things what . Uhoh. Im scared. Stephen can i do an exercise with you . Sure. Stephen now, look at the camera as you, 42yearold, okay. Please, just look at the camera over there. A 42yearold right there. Hi. Stephen now look at it as a 27yearold. laughter applause i totally buy it. I totally buy it. applause for me, it would be the opposite. Because i worried so much when i was 27. Did you . Stephen thats when i had my nervous breakdown that age. Now at 53 im. Back then it was like. The 20s are horrible. Stephen i would never go back. No stephen you dont know whats going to happen. Its awful i was a mess. Stephen listen, you you also have my gosh stephen you do what would you call this . What do you do . Crochet. I crochet. Stephen thats not a young thing to do im going to be a great grandma. Stephen you would make an excellent victorian woman. I think im heading to grandma status. I love my programs. Stephen what about this . Whats going on here . Thats a drawing. Thats a lion. I also draw. I think im a little crazy. Stephen you drew this . I did this looks like one of those are you color blind tests. Totally i know stephen can you see the lion . I dont know. I get i like to do something creative every day. Stephen i love it. These are for sale . Yeah stephen you sell these. So loud stephen they are for sale, right . Sure stephen how much are they . I have no idea. Its online, somewhere, on the worldwide web. Stephen you are selling things and have no idea. Isnt that horrible. Stephen who is making the money . I guess i am somewhere. Stephen ill take 200. You got it Stephen Lovely to see you again. Thanks. Stephen thank you for being here. Its so nice to be here. Stephen younger airs wednesdays on tv land. Stephen younger airs wednesdays on tv land. Sutton foster, everybody. Is on. Nv now get our best offers of the season. On the agile mkc. And the versatile midsize lincoln mkx. Or go where summer takes you in the exhilarating mkz. Hurry in its the final days of the lincoln summer invitation sales event. Ending september 5th. Right now, get zero percent apr plus 1,000 dollars Summer Savings on the lincoln mkx, mkc and mkz. 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Stephen here performing free from his album free 6lack, please welcome 6lack cheers and applause why am i waking up out of my sleep thinking of ya babe you had a hold on me now im feeling freer than i ever been you been around love but you never been in youve ever been but really i know that you hate it but im freer than ive ever been something that youve never been ay, running out of bleep that i can say wishing you the best and so i pray ive been waiting for the day you knew it was coming either way i know that you hate it but im freer than ive ever been something that youve never been and you dont want to touch nobody but nobody, nobody say, im hoping that you found a way and you i am feeling freer than i have ever been you know i was down a while hey, a lot of women want to ride the wave and most of them was out to take your place and you go in and gave it all away, away, away you know it was coming either way and i know that you hate it but im freer than ive ever been something that you never were cheaper cheers and applause stephen 6lack everybody well be right back. Dude, you were right, these wait. What . The gold fish, man you said i should buy some. No i said you should buy gold fish, the new scratchoff from the pennsylvania lottery. With top prizes of 25,000. Ooohh. Are there really. . 25,000 of them . Yeah. Want more changes to win . Go to palottery. Com and enter your nonwinning tickets for the gold fish secondchance drawing with 10,000 prizes. Stephen thats it for the late show. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org james good evening everybody, and welcome to british summertime. We are here in the heart of london. Now, as im sure you know, a few days ago last saturday night this city was attacked, and it happened about a mile or so that way, near london bridge. I am so sad when i think about all the times since i took this job that i have had to open the show talking about such atrocities. Trying to find the right wor