Batiste and stay human. And now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen whooo cheers and applause whooo thanks. Good to see you cheers and applause stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you so much. Welcome to the late show, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Man, it is good to be back in the u. S. A. cheers and applause i dont know if you knew this, but i was in russia last week. You know who did know i was in russia . Russian intelligence. laughter hardcore fans, evidently, followed me everywhere. Also got some attention from american intelligence. A couple guys seemed to pop up wherever we went. You know, but its important to keep your eye on a comedian while he is in russia, you know, doing jokes, you know, i could be over there, i could be giving state secrets to the russians. Oh wait, somebodys already got that covered. My apologies. cheers and applause . Stephen somebodys watching that guy, someone should investigate anyway, we just got back last night, this is true, so im still on moscow time. And we shoot this show six hours before broadcast. And moscow is seven hours ahead, which means my body is one hour later, which i think makes me james corden right now. laughter anyway cheers and applause . Stephen thats not bad, thats fun, that sounds fun, drive around, singing some song. That would be nice. Anyway, we shot for days. How many, we shot like 13 hour days. We shot like four or five pieces. For the most, the most amazing people, the russian people were lovely, in the most incredible locations,ed an were going to have a whole week of that coming up. I will show you a little of my trip later in the show. But while russia was fascinating, it is sincerely wonderful to be back in america. applause . Stephen beautiful, yeah. America. The friend lee confines, as we call it. And lets see what everybody is talking about here, oh, thats right, russia. There is more Election Hacking news. According to the wash upon washton post, barack obama knew about the plot last suggest and that it was based on putins specific instructions to defeat or at least damage the democratic nominee, hillary clinton, and help lech her opponent donald trump. And putin was successful. The only person who did more damage to Hillary Clintons campaign was hillary clinton. Now reportedly, reportedly obama agonized over what to do. He even authorized the planting of cyberweapons, the digital equivalent of bombs, the digital equivalent of bombs, i think, im not sure. I think that means they were playing minesweeper. Right . Jon right. Stephen thats how you frame, you got to hack into the system. Stephen at one point obama personally warned putin that we knew what he was doing and he had better stop or else, yeah. Or else adding i will turn this Global Economy around, mister. Dont make me come back there but in the end, obama did fog before the election, and afterwards only imposed sanctions, but even those who helped design them say were largely symbolic. Yeah, just symbols. He sent this text. You hacked our election, frowny face. Now a huge eggplant is president. Of course cheers and applause . Jon theyre symbolic. Stephen just symbolic. Symbolic. Of course, President Trump is a wellknown russia hacked the election denier. Remember what he said in december. According to the Washington Post, the cia has concluded that russia intervened in the election to help you win the presidency. Your reaction. I think its ridiculous. I think its just another excuse. I dont believe it, no, i dont believe that at all. Stephen yes, he saw the Washington Post, but he doesnt believe in the hacking. So naturally when he saw this Washington Post story his reaction was completely consistent with all his previous statements. Im just kidding. Plaf laughter he tweeted, just out, the Obama Administration knew far in advance of noafer 8th about election meddling by russia. Did nothing about it. Why . laughter cheers and applause . Stephen thats right. Thats right, there was no russian hacking, period, fake news. Wait, it was obamas fault. Russia stole our election and obama let it happen. Thanks, obama. No, seriously, thanks obama, im president now, thanks. And the tweet storm did not end there. Since the Obama Administration was told way before the 2016 election that the russians were meddling, why no action . Focus on them, not t. Wait, wait, what . laughter t time, wait, who, who the hell is t. Who is t. You know there is already a letter for when are you talking about yourself, its i. As in i dont believe anyone calls you t. You cant give yourself a nickname. cheers and applause he should have went with a d. Stephen and prez t is taking his new identity very seriously. Check out his new official president ial photo. Very nice. laughter . Jon i pity the 23508. Stephen thats right, i pity the fool. And trump saying oh, its not just the travel that is exhausting me right now. And trump saying we should investigate the Obama Administration and he knows exactly what they did. The reason that president obama did nothing about russia after being notified by the cia of meddling is that he expected clinton would win dot dot, dot dot dot, and did not want to rock the boat. He didnt choke, he colluded or obstructed, and it did the dems and crooked hillary no good. Hold on. Nobody is accusing obama of colluding or obstructing. Thats your deal, okay. Okay . cheers and applause you cant accuse him of your thing. Okay . That would be like someone accusing you of inspiring hope. It just doesnt fit. All right. He also it wouldnt be right. It wouldnt be right. It would not be right. Thats not right. He also tweeted, the real story is that president obama did nothing after being informed in august about russian meddling with four months looking at russia dot dot dot, dot dot, under a magnifying dplas. They have zero tapes of t people colluding. There is no collusion and no on stluks. I should be given apologies. You know what no no, no no, look, im a big enough man to apologize. And i think i speak for the majority americans when i say im sorry youre president. cheers and applause but it is good to be home. But its a good thing, its a good thing trumps tweeting because were not getting a lot of information from White House Press secretary and man wondering why his sandwich is taking so damn long, sean spicer. Spicer banned cameras from last weeks briefings, and then banned them again today. Evidently while i was in russia, we turned into russia. laughter i dont know how long this is going to go on, but with cameras banned from the briefing cnn sent a Court Room Sketch artist to cover spicers briefing. Yeah, yeah, something tells me it wont be the last member of the Trump Administration we see in a Court Room Sketch. cheers and applause also, also, he looks really good, he looks fantastic. Hes chis eled in that sketch. Also, if you take a look at the right, on the right side, you can see the artist even included a drawing of the cameraman who was not allowed to film this press conference. So counting sean, thats a sketch of two people not doing their jobs. But it turns out two, two. But it turns out that was not the only artist who was sent there. Yes, cnn sent a Court Room Sketch artist but six flags sent a caricature artist. Heres one done by cartoonist scott adams, thats spot on. Hates his job. And there were fine artists there too, here is spicer finding out about Donald Trumps latest tweet. And tough job, tough job. And while they did not allow photography, the press briefing was recreated by famed child portrait artist anne geddes. So adorable. Unbelievably adorable. Eat them up. And it wasnt just sean spicer. Luckily there was a painter on hand to capture the moment steve bannon stopped by to chew out the press. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Michael keaton is here. When we return i will applause going on a targetrun out oneed anything . Watermelon water please and soda grandpa got it get everyday low prices on everyday essentials, targetrun and done. Where are mom and dad . saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico goin up the country. Love mom and dad im takin a nap. Dude, you just woke up im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. But that still doesnt mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. Stephen hey. Welcome back, everybody, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, right there. That man. applause . Jon whooo stephen you know, jon, it is fantastic to be back, you know. Ive taken the show overseas before. Ive never wanted to be home more than this. Jon wow. Stephen again, absolutely lovely people. Its just a little weird, just a little weird over there. Because you know there are some things you cant say, places you cant go. You know people are watching you, you know. And as i told you before, when i was standing over there, the top story in the news is high level americans have ties to russia. But this time the ties were me. Because i was over there until last night. And weve been planning this trip for months. I mean theres so many details. Were going to have a whole week of stuff to show you that i shot over there. And the wol thrip was supposed to be top secretary et secret. Im serious. laughter i wanted to get over there and get back before anybody knew. And some traitor leaked that i was over there, luckily after an exhaustive search, we have found the leaker. It was me. laughter i i apologize to me. I owe me an apology. I tweeted about it. I will never trust me again. That right there, thats me in front of st. Petersburg winter palace, or as they call it tsaralago. And while i was and while i was in saibt petersburg i was a guest on the russian late night talk show evening urgant t is hosted by the very talented ivan urgant, ivan i presume is russian for jimmy, im not entirely sure. But for those of you not familiar with late night tv in russia, it might seem a little foreign. Let me explain it to you. A white male host does some monologue jokes then sits behind desk to interview celebrities. It works over there show, im not sure. And while talking to ivan i accidently made some news on purpose. Im here to announce that i am considering a run for president in 2020. And cheers and applause and i thought it would be better to cut out the middle man and just tell the russians myself. If anyone would like to work on my campaign in an unofficial capacity, please just let. Stephen. Stephen now, cut that off right there. Cut that off right there. laughter well have the whole damn thing a little later on in our week of russian shows. Now to be clear, all i said in that little clip there was that i was considering a run. If i decide to run, obviously im not going to ask the russians to help my campaign, okay. I would have my sonl ask them. My son in law ask them. Hello, moscow. Come in, moscow. But i want to say thank you to all the people we met in russia from the government agents following us every day to the extras from john wick with the full sleeve of tattoos triangulating in the lobby, okay, including one of these goons right outside my door, okay. So i really want to thank our pharmaceutical industry for helping me sleep at night. And like President Trump, i can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any other tapes of what i did in russia. I did not personally make any such recordings. But im pretty sure my crew did. And we learned a lot. And you will too. Well be right back with michael keaton. laughter applause glang guyscause this is my jam. N. Showtime tell it to my heart tell me im the only one. Nailed it tim, nailed it. The ford summer sales event is on. Its gonna work, i promise you, we can figure this out. Babe. Little help. Hold on, mom. No, wifi. Wifi. Its not a question, its a thing. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends july 5th. When bold espresso meets ice flavors are transformed, afternoons get more refreshing. From the bold starbucks double shot on ice to the sweet iced caramel macchiato. Meet a friend and chill together. From june 27th to july 2nd buy any grande iced expresso beverage, get one free between 2 and 5pm. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Stephen welcome back, everybody, to our program. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest has played batman and birdman. He now stars in a new spiderman. Please welcome the man, michael keaton. cheers and applause . applause . Stephen i met this guy. Thank you. Stephen you met jon. I did. Remember, with winton mar salist and i think Christian Mcbride was there the Duke Ellington thing. Jon i remember that. Like three years ago, Something Like that. Jon about two years ago. There was this thing at lincoln center. And i was asked to host the thing or emcee this thing. Man, there were like kids that were like ten years old. I know. Crazy, just playing stuff that was unbelievable. And i saw him and i went are you kidding me. When i saw he was your band leader. Stephen he is very mature for a 12 year old. Jon ive got to get the facial hair together. There was a trombone player kid. Jon oh yeah. And. Then joey was there playing, nice. Were just going to talk. Stephen okay, fine. He goes trombone, he goes oh yeah, yeah, that guy. That say really good trombone play thary can make sounds with that. That is kind of amazing. Stephen isnt that pretty. Looks like Jerry Garcias tshirt. Stephen yeah, thats thats our pride dome today. Yeah. Stephen now. Its nice to meet you, weve never met. Stephen yeah, well, i mean youre a big famous movie star, live in los angeles. Im too big, in other words. Stephen well, youre very busy and im very busy. We sort of met at one of those big famous things, those famous events. I dont go to those. Do you go to those . I always imagine they are like fun things that famous people are doing. I think were definitely missing out. Stephen oh really . Oh yeah. Stephen who is there, like clooney and pit. An were like home. Were just home. Stephen as long as you keep working because ive been a fan of yours since night shift as i was saying backstage. If you havent seen it worth going back and seeing it. The batman movies, clean sober, birdman, spotlight, the range of work is amazing. Thanks. Stephen so when you say michael keaton, Everybody Knows michael keaton. But i found out are you not michael keaton. Correct. Stephen i did not know that, that is just a stage name. Correct. Stephen you actually have another name, your real name you actually seuss use, tell the people what it is. My real make is doug douglas, michael douse las. Immediately gets a laugh. Stephen so easy. Yeah. My real name, and i got a gig, i was just starting out and i got this job and because of the union there was pike douglas who used to have a talk show. Stephen sure. And Michael Douglas, the movie star, actor. And somebody said well, you know, you have to change your name, i said i dont really want to change my name, im very proud of my name, by the way, im easing my name back into im trying to kind of ease it back in. Because im proud of my name. So they said well, you know, you have to change your name. I said why. Because there are two other guys in the union. So i changed my name. Now what is great is i used my real name, Michael John Douglas for everything, except, you know, on a marquee or a gig, right. So people get very confused because there will be, you will be going somewhere and there will be a driver with a sign saying Michael Douglas and then i show up. And they look so confused. Because. Stephen theyre expecting to see. Yeah, it would be one thing if you go oh, well, hes obviously not Michael Douglas who, you know, everyone knows Michael Douglas, wrus like a normal guy. Then they go yeah, but wait a minute, i know. Stephen they think theyre having a stroke. Right. Stephen they dont know what is going on. Exactly. Stephen why keaton. Wait a minute, so what i will do, i will go, it used to be, i have to explain this. Explain, now i dont even bother. I just kind of enjoy watching them just kind of go, wait. Whats going on . Who is he . I dont know, i was in a ks in the alphabet n the union, i thought. Stephen it wasnt like Buster Keaton or die ann keaton. However, im not just saying, a huge fan of both, truly t had nothing to do with that, i was in the ks in the alphabet, it is close enough, how about this, how about this, you know, one of those moments. At the time the brilliant Michael Jackson was certainly not down but remember that period where he was like, the jacksons like crazy, insanely tbreat, then there was a quiet spot until he blew up. Stephen yeah, between jacksons and off the wall. Yes, somewhere right in there. Stephen im a fan. Me too. So i thought you know, my middle name is john, you and i are from large families. Stephen large catholic. Large Irish Catholic neams, a lot of nicknames, my middle name is john, they caused to call me john, johnny, jackson, i thought you know i will put Michael Jackson down. Stephen can you imagine. Yeah. Stephen yeah. Yeah, can you imagine if the driver is holding a sign that said Michael Jackson and you showed up. That would be really confusing. Yeah. applause . Stephen okay, big Irish Catholic family. Yeah. Stephen you were an altar boy. I know, have i watched the show. It was really kind of great being an altar boy, it was nerveracking as well. Stephen but you got to wear a quleumple. Yeah, man t was tbreat. Stephen and you got to hold the paten was the think back then there were patens, they dont use them any more. Do you remember any latin any more. Stephen speaking latin which is the first thing the pees says when he come out, did i get it right. Have i no idea, i dont remember any of this. Stephen you didnt know that one i was going to say youre not really Michael Douglas, are you a pros tet protestant. So youve been batman, youve been birdman. Mi batman, no, i know. Stephen i know. cheers and applause go ahead. Stephen and now youre in spiderman. I am. Stephen we have a clip here, can you tell me what is happening in this clip . I havent seen this clip. But. Stephen okay, who do you play in the spiderman . What do you mean . Stephen which character do you play in the spiderman movie . Spiderman. Stephen really . Yeah, im spiderman yeah, im spiderman, watch the clip. Why, what did you think i was. Stephen what . What did you. Stephen what did i think were you . I thought you were beetlejuice in this. No, no, no. Lets lets find out together. Jim . You dont understand. applause . Stephen i believe you now. I cant tell whos talking. Im pretty sure im spiderman. Stephen well, youre fantastic. Im hearing tbreat things. It is good, actually, very good. Stephen so youve been, you know, again, it was like 30 years ago i saw you in night shift, have you livered in l. A. The entire time. I was living here for awhile. I used to work doing some playing in pitsberg and would come up here and audition and i was getting ready to move and moved to l. A but i was living out there when i did night shift, yeah. Stephen okay so you know, we were talking about doing the famous stuff that you dont do and i dont have time to do. Youre too big for t i just dont get invited. Stephen well, your words, not mine. Now they keep inviting michael keaton, and youre like whos that. What do you do, how do you get away from, like, from the world and relax. I dont know, i just live, i just live, i live in l. A. And i live in montana. Stephen what do you do in montana. Its gorgeous. I just came in from there. Stephen do you fly fish. Do i. Stephen that is fantastic. For about 35 years i fished, i fish down on the grass flats of south carolina. Ever fish there. Stephen my entire life. Did you really. Stephen yeah, we called it red fish, spot tail, channel back. Red drums, beautiful, im going down to go fishing there next week, actually. Awesome. Stephen did you ever fish the Black Foot River s that what st. Yeah, years ago, gorgeous. Stephen have. Have you been out there. Stephen yeah, yeah. Come out and fish sometime. Stephen i accept on camera i know, i know, so nice to meet you, michael john. Spiderman home coming is in theaters july 7th. Its spiderman. cheers and applause . Stephen well be right back with zooey kazan. Heineken is served its world famous. Like me. Come here. Look it happens all the time. Antonio banderas its Antonio Banderas from the movies. Enjoyed in 192 countries. Theres more behind the star. Goal nitedhealthcare, you can get rewarded for waldad. We wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. Walk, move and earn money. For outofpocket medical expenses. Hes ok unitedhealthcare oh, my love my darlin ive hungered for your touch papa, hola ive hungered for your touch no, no no, no no no ill be coming home, wait for me ouch ndaid® brand. Our best bandage yet drig never crur mind. Stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. My next guest tonight is a writer, an actress youve seen in its complicated and olive kitteridge, she now stars in the big sick. I guess im going to go home. Wait, wait, we havent even had sex again yet. Yeah, im just not that kind of girl, i only have sex once on the firs date. Wow. You dont get that because you made fun of me. What is happening . What are you doing. Im changing under. Have i seen everything. Did you remember, we were just having sex . Yeah, but were you like in the throws of passion. Listen thank you very much, i am just going to like call uber, go home and i hope just puts on his pants. Stephen please welcome zoe kazan. Hello, thank you. Hey. Nice to you have here. Thank you for having me. Stephen so you are what we in the industry call a triple threat. You are an actress, you are a writer, youve actually just written a play thats opening in the fall called after the blast. You wrote and acted in ruby sparks, an indy hit. Olive kitteridge, its complicated and youre also from a film dynasty, your mom and dad, theyre oscar nominated. Theyre both screen writers and directors. Stephen wow. And your grandfather was the great elia kazan, on the water front, street car named desiree, face in the crowd. Yeah, he actually had a applause he had a contract, he had to put the great before his meme always like a zar. Stephen i would feel bad if i didnt. How did you get into writing . Was it just sort of like the family just expects you will be writing . Yeah, i dont know. I was like a weird little kid. It was like tell stories with my stickers. So i think it was kind of you know, like a sphorree board, like the bunny is going to go over and eat the mushrooms. Stephen thats not a weird story unless its a different kind of mushroom. Right, right. I dont know, i feel like they really expected me to be a writer and were pretty disappointed and scared when i said i wanted to be an actor. Stephen thats right, because director writer, so actors for writers and directors is just paint on your brush. Right, they are just marionettes. Stephen theyre food animals. Right. Stephen so how did you break it to them . I auditions forked school play and got like a lead part and came home and was like im an actor. Stephen how old are you . 14. Stephen oh yeah, yeah, it what was the play. It was the dining room by ar gurney who just passed like a week ago, it changed my life and it changed my parents life for the worse. Stephen do they worry about you . Because they know what showbiz is like. Yeah, theyre terrified, theyre so scared. Theyre watching this, theyre taping it because they dont stay up late. Stephen are they literally taping it or do you just buy them a dvr so they can. Youre right. Stephen congratulations on the new film. We had kumail nan jani on last week, it is a brilliant comedy, hit of the summer right now it is what transformers would be if it were an indy about two people who meet and one of them gets terribly sick and gets into a medically induced coma. Yeah, i think we actually have more robots than the actual transformers. Stephen now kumail nan jani wrote the movie with his wife who is emily gordon. Yeah. Stephen is it hard to play the person youre depicting in front of them when you are making out and having sex with her husband . Right, so just to clarify, its based on a true story story. Stephen yeah, yeah. So theyre making me do all of these things. So its a little bit her fall that im making out with her husband. Stephen so you walked on the set. Yeah, just had to shoulder it, the catering, yeah, perfect. No, it is sounds a lot weirder than it was. Probably the weirdest part about it is that it felt really normal. But like being an actor is a little bit like doing stockholm syndrome all the time, like youre in love with this stranger an youre yeah, sure, thats fine, im in love with a stranger. So it is within the realm of my actual life. Stephen do be clear, shes not a spy. To not a spy, a real normal person. Stephen but she was there when you were like. Yeah. Stephen how would he feel about that . Because i had him on the show, first time on he said he never even touched a womans hand until he was 18. Yeah, i would say like kumail is a real gentleman. And he asked emily his wife to leave when we made out because he didnt want her watching. And emily and i are kind of like, i think, a little more like, you know, anything goes, and so. Stephen a little more sex positive. Yeah, sure, yeah, dan savage. So it felt, you know, she came into the dressing room, kumail asked me to leave. And i was like and then she left. Stephen now you, your character, emile se emily, she became sick and was put into a medically induced coma. Yeah. Stephen and so what is that like to act in a coma . Did you have to do a ride along first . Like what is it how do you, as an actor how do you approach coma. Well, as if you have never breathed normally in your life before because your only job is to lie there and be still and breathe normally and then all of a sudden you are like i dont know how to breathe. That you become really selfaware, it is really boring. I fell asleep many times and would wake up in the middle of takes and ruin the takes by waking up suddenly. And, the main thing is that i was attached to all these real medical devices that were actually taking my heart rate and stuff. So they could have monitors on set with images on them. Stephen so when im watching the movie and see the heart rate that is your heart rate. That is my heart rate, i think i they may have changed it because my heart rate is really good. Shes supposed to be really scik. I was really strapped to these things and they are like you cant get up because it takes 15 minutes to unstrap you. So the crew would leave to go set up for the next take and i would just be stuck there for like 45 minutes on my own. So i would hide books under my back so that i could read in my hospital bed between coma takes. laughter its more interesting than an actual coma, probably. laughter . Stephen ill take your word for it, i dont know, i hope you never fine out, how about that. Thank you, thank you. Stephen it was lovely to meet you, thank you so much for being here. applause the big sick is in theaters now. Zoe kazan, everybody. Well be right back with comedian tom shilue. You can always compare rates on progressive. Com. Oh, thats nice, dear. But could you compare camping trips . Because this one would win. All i want to do is enjoy nature and peace and quiet its not about winning. Its about helping people find a great rate even if its not with progressive. Ugh. Insurance. When i said peace and quiet, did you hear, talk more and disappoint me . Do do do do skiddly do do camping with the family [ flame whooshes ] how was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. The toothpaste that helps new parodontax. Prevent bleeding gums. If you spit blood when you brush or floss you may have gum problems and could be on the journey to much worse. Help stop the journey of gum disease. Try new parodontax toothpaste. Going on a targetrun out oneed anything . Watermelon water please and soda grandpa got it get everyday low prices on everyday essentials, targetrun and done. This summer in a place where flavor runs deep, any dish and every glass might be the best youve ever tasted as long as you dont forget your appetite. New york state. Its all here. Its only here. Plan your trip to the finger lakes at iloveny. Com so thats the idea. What do you think . Hate to play devils advocate but. I kind of feel like its a game changer. I wouldnt go that far. Are you there . Hes probably on mute. Yeah. Gary wont like it. Why . Because hes gary. phone ringing what . Keep going yeah. laughs voice on phone its not millennial enough. There are a lot of ways to say no. Thank you so much. Thank you so were doing it. Yes start saying yes to your companys best ideas. Let us help with money and knowhow, so you can get business done. American express open. Its about time they gavedone. Left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing new left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. whispering dad trust me, we are going viral. Ing to work . kids laughing whispering mom lets send in max. kids max max now this, is internet gold going viral . Get scrubbing bubbles clean and disinfect. What . 20,000 views sc johnson. Guyscause this is my jam. N. Showtime tell it to my heart tell me im the only one. Nailed it tim, nailed it. Stephen nostrovea. applause hey, everybody. Welcome back. Folks, my next guest is one of the few people who can list daily show correspondent and fox news host on their resume. Please welcome tom shilue. cheers and applause . Stephen hey man, good to see you again. Now let me let us explain to the people here what i mean by that, is that you and i are in a very elite group. We worked for the daily show before swron stewart. The daily show. Stephen it was just called the daily show. With craig kill borne. Stephen whats that. Heard of it . Plaws plawses. Stephen now there are no i dont believe there are any existing tapes of that show. We actually tried to get them and there is nothing. I dont have anything. Stephen they ground up those old tapes and used them to fill in like childrens playgrounds or Something Like that. Yeah. But you, i used to learn from you because you were the new guy, remember they called you the new guy. Stephen yeah, it was brian you thinker, a Whitney Brown and then i was the new guy. But i learned from you because you had a way of interviewing people. You would gain their trust, so well. I mean and they shouldnt have trusted you. Stephen no. But you know. Stephen you know why, because they shuntd trust anyone in the press. Yes. Stephen because its all about getting your story, you know. And the press just lacks the press latches on to you like a ray and sucks and sucks and suck until your soul is dry as a crouton. They have to, they have to be able to tell the story. They knew, they knew they were going to be made fun of. But their desire to be on tv always trumped their desire not to look like a jerk, you know . Stephen right, well the camera lobotomizes anything it points at. Yeah. Stephen in my opinion. So we both started at the daily show. Im here, you went to fox news. Were like the bizarro twins. Yes in its early days. Like were super heroes, wait who is the ef evil one. Am i the evil one . Stephen im incapable of tbroaing a goatee, so i dont know. You are not the evil one but the conservative one. More than you, i think. Stephen probably in most ways n most ways. Im not sure if i would like if my work would play on fox news. Did you enjoy. Like you did red eye, was that hard to do comedy on like one to 4 00 mt morning on fox news. It was great t was horsing around. I didnt really do sat ire, we just talk about the news and try to laugh about it. It was always supposed to be like bar conversation. Stephen did you get to drink. No, we didnt get to drink. Stephen that makes bar conversation much more interesting. I know. Stephen you have a book now, it is called mean dads for a better america, the generous rewards of an oldfashioned childhood. Okay. So what kind of childhood did you have . Traditional, catholic, northeast catholic. Stephen oh, same thing as Michael Douglas keaton. Earlier. So how many brothers and sisters. There are five of us. Stephen thats healthy. A brother, three sisters. I was the fourth of five. Stephen okay. And so it was a great growing up, we were scared. With he were scared, that is why i say mean dad, tongue in cheek because me and my brother, we were afraid of the man. He would wake us up with his breathing. Saturday morning he what wake us up. Stephen he would crouch over you and breathe. He would just breathe, yes, he had this breathe. Stephen that is like what a wolf does. My dad used to go down the hall banging the doors open and say get up, get up, the worlds waiting for you with a club. See what i mean. Stephen yeah. But we turned out okay, thats what i am saying, it worked out. Stephen time will tell, time will tell. Do you have kids of your own. Yes, i have two daughters. Stephen and you are lovingly mean to them. I am, im trying to be a mean dad. But its hard. It is hard to be it a mean dad. Stephen love gets in the way of meanness, dammity. It does. I try to bring a little of my dad. Im not going to be like him. Stephen is he still with us. He is still with us. He is in the desert, he is probably watching us now. Stephen he sounds like a prophet. He would like that description. Stephen okay, okay. Stephen okay so how have you done the mean dad stuff. Im trying to be a little bit more like my dad. Like i say, he was like darth vaid we are a boston accent. Im the work it out dad. Like when my kids, we had to work everything out. We were strict, we had strict disciplinary discipline arian parents but most of our time was outside playing with kids. Stephen you had to go outside. Yes, so i want my kids to work it out. They come crying to meerks so and so picked on me, i said go work it out, that is what my parns did. My mom would say hit him back. There was a bully in the neighborhood, she said so pudge him back so i punched him back. Stephen did that work . No, he beat me up but i think i felt good about it, i stood up for myself. Stephen sure, violence is the answer. Well, sometimes. Stephen that is what mommy usually tell their sons. Congratulations on the book, it is called mean dads for a better america. Its available now. The man is tom shilue everybody, from the daily show. And still have dry eye symptoms . Ready for some relief . Xiidra is the first and only eye drop approved for both the signs and symptoms of dry eye. One drop in each eye, twice a day. Common side effects include eye irritation, discomfort or blurred vision when applied to the eye, and unusual taste sensation. Dont touch container tip to your eye or any surface. Remove contacts before using xiidra and wait at least 15 minutes before reinserting. Chat with your eye doctor about xiidra. Stephen thats it for the late show, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be eric stone streetd, john mcenroe and lillie mae. Now stick around for james corden with Jane Fonda Lily Tomlin and taylor schilling. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from unintelligible , give it up for your host, the one, the only
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