Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170311

Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Felicity Huffman jurnee smolletbell and comedian anthony devito. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody hey, chris. Whats up, paul . Hey thanks, everybody. Well, folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy friday. You guys ready for the weekend . cheers and applause i love a friday crowd. I love a friday crowd. Theyre elect. Now, donald trump has good weekends down in maralago, all the time. Ever since he became the most powerful man in the world, weve heard a lot about this guy and his potential conflict of interest overseas. Well, theres a new one. This week, we learned that trump may have violated the constitution to trademark massage parlors and Escort Services in china. laughter . Jon whoa, whoa stephen this is true. And unlike these massages, the Trump Presidency may not have a happy ending. Now so i hear. So i hear. cheers and applause . Jon i dont know about that one. Stephen ive always known the constitution is tough on massage parlors. Thats why George Washington had to close papa georges ye olde tannery and tug shoppe. laughter now, we dont really know his motives here. Evidently, Many Companies register trademarks in china to prevent others from using their. Names. So we might not have the kind of president who opens chinese Escort Services, but we definitely have the kind who knows his name would be perfect for one. laughter there is also there is also a little bit of controversy swirling around trumps new head of the Environmental Protection agency, former Oklahoma Attorney general and bargain bin george w. Bush, scott pruitt. He is a man who knows the e. P. A. Extremely well, because hes sued it 14 times. And yesterday, pruitt made headlines for what he said in this interview. Let me ask you one other thing, just to get to the nittygritty. Do you believe that its been proven that c. O. 2 is the primary control knob for climate . Do you believe that . No, i would not agree that its a primary contributor to the Global Warming that we see. Stephen yeah, its not a primary contributor to the Global Warming we see, just the kind we feel, as it gets hotter and hotter every year. laughter cant see it. You know what the head of the e. P. A. Might want to read . The e. P. A. s own website, which states clearly that human activity, like burning fossil fuels, release large amounts of carbon dioxide, the primary Greenhouse Gas contributing to recent climate change. You really shouldnt contradict your own website. Thats like buzzfeed saying they dont believe a quiz can tell you if youre a lumiere or a cogsworth. laughter lumiere, by the way. Jon oh, yeah, uhhuh. Stephen but maybe pruitt is right. Maybe c. O. 2 isnt the number one cause of Global Warming. Maybe its the head of the e. P. A. Blowing smoke up the oil industrys ass. cheers and applause oh, tom brady is back in the news. You all know tom brady. Im sure you know that guy from the super bowl. Jon hut hut stephen thru have it, whether you love him or hate him, those are definitely the only two options. And now the thing is, tom brady is endorsing a Meal Subscription Service called purple carrot, which, of course, is named after one of the healthiest euphemisms for a penis. And the company is offering a new line of meals that follow bradys notoriously healthy diet, including by the way, if youre not gingering your amoranth, youre an idiot. Do you, jon . Jon i cant say they do. Stephen how many super bowl rings do you have . Jon i dont have any. Stephen thats why. Brady clearly excitedly about the partnership releasing the following statement okay, but heres the thing eating like tom brady isnt the part of his life that you fantasize about. laughter please, let me know when theres a Subscription Service that mails you a super model, Championship Rings and 24 million a year. cheers and applause if not, if not, i might just stick to watching football and drinking my way to nacho cheese. laughter heres a great story out of deliver bliffia. Any bliffians here. Audience yeah stephen youre going to love this story. That one guy is going to love this story here. We always have one every night, one bolivian every night. Heres a great story out of bolivia, where a Franciscan Monastery recently adopted a stray dog and named him friar bigoton, literally translates to friar moustache. Thats the cutest catholic dog name since pope peanut xiv. He radicalized the churchs stance on whos a good boy . Upon receiving his new title, friar moustache also received his own robe and hood aw, whos a devout puppy . You are yes, you are remember your vow of celebacy. No leg humping. No humping the leg. Anyway, its a cute story. Sorry, women, still no room in the priesthood. But this gives me an idea. People love friar moustache and people love hbo dramas about revolutionary religious figures, so get ready for my new project. Dog monk. This spring dog is god spelled. Backwards. cheers and applause do you have a dog . Jon oh, no, no dog. Stephen you dont have a dog . Jon no. Stephen have you ever had a dog . Jon i had a dog when i was a kid. I had a german sheppard. Stephen name . Jon i forgot his name. Stephen oh, okay. Mans best friend, indeed. You dont rememberlet cogs name . A. I was very young. It was my o. Stephen another so it wasnt really your dog. Jon it wasnt really. Stephen i have a dog named cookie, the best dog in the world. For the record. I had it notarized. Theres an exciting new option for Older Americans because, apparently, Jimmy Buffett is opening a series of retirement homes. Now Senior Citizens can literally waste away in margaritaville. laughter applause according too according to the website, these assisted living facilities are inspired by the Legendary Music and lifestyle of Jimmy Buffett. Although theyre going to have to adapt cheeseburger in paradise to green jello in the day room. laughter but, you know, not every senior suffers from earlyonset parrothead, and our elderly of course need options when it comes to choosing the musicianaffiliated nursing home thats right for them. For example, sammy hagars cabo wabo retirement beach. Your kids have to put you someplace after you turn 55. cheers and applause and for rebellious old people who dont fit in at those conformist retirement facilities, theres the age against the machine community of scottsdale. laughter applause yeah. 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Jon, you know who i miss on tv right now . Our dear friend charlie rose. Jon oh, yeah gr hes been off cbs this morning a couple, two, three, four weeks right now . Because he went and had open heart surgery. Im happy to report that its monday, right, modern of monday morning, charlie rose will be returning to cbs this morning. Charlie, welcome back. Jon we snea need him. We need him. Stephen other than that, hes going to live forever. Fantastic. Im going to get the same work myself. Yeah. Well, its day 50 of the Trump Presidency laughter thats not a joke yet. laughter and his signature project, the wall on the southern border, is moving right along. The due date for contractors to submit prototypes is today. Because the wall is about to become a reality, i decided to meet with some actual experts on building to learn whats it going to take to make it . Americas southern border has been a hot button issue for years and now President Trump is pushing forward on his Campaign Promise to build a wall, but this is pretty much all we know about it that wall is going to be so big and so strong, and so powerful, impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful. It will be a big wall, a beautiful wall, and were going to name is trump some day, maybe, right . And mexico will pay for the wall. Stephen so i sat down with four experts to learn what a 2,000mile border wall looks like and how much it costs. Im an architect. I practice in new york city. Im a liscenced engineer in new york and connecticut. Im a concrete guy. I own a concrete business. Im an interior designer in new york. Stephen as you all know, donald trump has signed the order to create the border wall between the United States and mexico to keep america safe. Now, during the g. O. P. Debate in houston, trump said this this is a wall thats a heck of a lot higher than the ceiling youre looking at. This is a wall thats going to work. Stephen okay, now, the ceiling of the venue he was in was about 80 feet high, okay, so a heck of a lot higher than 80 feet. Now, im not an architect. Do you happen to know what a heck of a represents . 100 feet is proably a heck of a lot higher than 80 feet. Stephen a heck of a is onehalf an assload. Onehalf an assload equals 20 feet. Ok, so were talking about a 100foottall wall. Christine, youre an engineer. What do you need to do to create a wall 100 feet high . If its 100 feet high, then your posts would enter the earth about twothirds of that. And then in between, you would rig up Precast Concrete panels, which would probably be the cheapest. Stephen and concrete guy. Lets talk about how much concrete that is. Yeah, we would calculate something about, uh, 200 million cubic yards of concrete. Stephen what does a yard of concrete cost . Well, this area . Probably about 2,000. Stephen 200 million times 2,000 a yard. Youve got 400 billion. Stephen 400 billion. And thats all in concrete no, i dont think we can do that, because if thats the value of the concrete, we came up in a prior effort the number of approximately 985 billion total. Stephen now, wait a second. Where does that come from . All the labor involved, all the overhead. Excavation. Portable concrete plants. Dewatering. Swamps, and who knows what youre dealing with. You might have a mobile forge. When a wall sticks up out of the ground stephen hmmm. I dont think we can show that on cbs, by the way. If a wall sticks up out of the ground stephen again, i dont think ill picture it. So whats your new number . About a trillion, close to. Stephen call it 1 trillion. I had read that less than half of the length of the border is actually covered on our side with parallel roads. Stephen probablyicism to just build a 2,000 highway while were doing it. Any idea what it would cost . I would say about the same price it would cost to build a wall. Stephen okay, so plus another trillion, because what is a highway, if not a wall on its side . So if we do just one crew of 40 laborers, how long does it take to build the wall . 742 years. laughter stephen lets try to get that number down. We gotta get that down. If we gotta do it in four years stephen we got three years and 11 months, right . We have three years and 11 months of the first trump administration. That would be 8,000 people. Stephen how many workers does it take to build the highway . Probably half of that, 4,000. Stephen 4,000 . Lets make this 12,000 workers all together. That sounds about right. Stephen the great wall of china resulted in 400,000 deaths of the people who worked on it. How many people will die making this . You probably can keep it down to maybe, like, 100 a month. Stephen 100 a month is the most youd want. 100 times 12 times how many years . Stephen call it four years, yeah. About 4,800 stephen 4,800 people die. 4,800 people dead. Thats more than a third of the work force. I dont know why anybody has to die. Nobody is going to die. Stephen obviously, nobody wants anyone to die. We just have to be realistic here. Lets bump this up to, like, 20,000, just to have some spares. Thats probably a good idea. Stephen probably a good idea. Donald trump has said that this will be a big, beautiful wall, okay . Robert, what is the quickest way to make concrete look beautiful . One of our Design Concepts was to maybe turn this ugly wall into an Outdoor Recreation park, and we thought a big rock climbing wall. laughter applause what else might you do with a 100foot wall . Stephen i love the idea of a rockclimbing wall, except its antithetical to a wall you cant climb to make it into a climbing wall. So thank you, but lets move on. So, one other idea could be to wallpaper the wall. Stephen i hadnt thought about that. I hadnt thought about that. It might be pretty. Stephen i love pretty i did a calculation on number of rolls of wallpaper as well. Stephen please. I came out with about 27 million rolls for one side. Stephen we gotta do both sides here. Thats about 54 million rolls. Stephen 54 million rolls but i would just say if we need to do some pattern matching, forget it. You know, you have to match the repeat of the wallpaper pattern so that the seams match up. So lets add another 50 on to that just to be safe. Stephen 50 more paper . Call it 100 million rolls. Now that we knew how much the wall costs, we had to get somebody to pay for it. Hello, mexican consolate. Can i help you . laughter applause stephen hi, is this mexico . Yes, can i help you . Stephen hi, yes, this is Stephen Colbert from the late show at cbs. Can i speak to your manager, please . No, im sorry. Just give me your message, please. Stephen sure. The message is this is Stephen Colbert from the late show. Were trying to come up with just some rough numbers. Obviously, dont hold my feet to the fire over this, but we have a rough number of about 2 trillion dollars to build the border wall, and i was wondering if you had that in petty cash right now, okay . Okay. Stephen thank you very much, if you could just tell mexico, that would be great. Thank you so much. laughter man, mexico is going to be pissed. laughter applause stephen well be right back with Felicity Huffman. Dont look now but chuck norris is right behind you. I heard superheroes read chuck norris comics. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. 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Three generations of clothes cleaned in one wash. Those are moms. Anybody seen my pants . Nothing cleans better. Put those on dad its got to be tide. Hi. Can you help me save on my energy bill . Old appliances. Like a hot water heater . Its around here somewhere. Nope. Nope. What is this thing . Sir, have you looked in the basement . Huh. Oh, yeah. No wonder. It was hidden behind all of my free weights. If youre not an expert, peco can help. We have lots of ways to help you save energy and money. Peco. The future is on. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest won an emmy as a desperate housewife, and currently stars in the new season of American Crime. Shes my sister. And we tried to help her once. How many times does she have to say shes sorry. If you want if you want, you know, send her a check. I want to get her a job. I want to get her a decent job. Year, well its not going to be on the farm. Well, if you talk to her and you just im not doing that. Your sister stole money. She stole money from my dad after he gave her work. She did that to him. She did that to you. She wasnt well. I mean, she had problems. She problems. I meant what i said. If you want to write her a check. Just giving her money isnt the same as helping her. Stephen please welcome Felicity Huffman. applause stephen nice to finally meet you for an extended period of time. We met once briefly backstage at the emmys many, many years ago, and, of course, i talked to your husband many times. William h. Macy. Yes, hes been brave enough to talk to you but i have not. Here i am. Stephen you have my favorite celebrity couple name which is phillip h. Must haveman. Didnt you draet it . Stephen yes. And we have tshirts that say it. Every night we sleep in them. Stephen and we made up a movie you guys did together. Well, here you are, you griez getting more and more alike as the years go on. Hes got your hair, and youre buying the same leather jackets at this point. Thats true. You know how some people look like your dog . We look like each glrg very nice, very nice. Where are you from originally . Im from colorado. Stephen really, thats a really good, very specific accent youre doing in that. A lot of people who do country accents overdial it. Thats beautifully placed. Thats kind of you. I took a long time learning that. You dont want to go texas, and you dont want to go mississippi and i showed up at the first readthrough and i was the only one with an accent. And john ridley was like, you have to bring it way down. I was that bleep hue achiever kind of person. Stephen well, you like those peoples work. Thats true. Stephen well, one thing is that you and your husband, as enough with the photo stephen one more. Is that you guys sort of embody, as one of my producers said the hashtag relationship goals. But i understand that you he asked you to marry him a couple of times and you said no. I i did. I think i said i finally said yes the third time. And it was many years. But, you know, i dont know about you guys stephen why did you do that . He seems like a nice fella. Oh, hes the best fella. Because, to tell you the truth, i think women sort of disappear in marriage. For some reason mens stock goes up, and i think women tend to disappear. Stephen okay, well, i dont think your stog has gone done. Im very bullish on Felicity Huffman. You are, okay. I think it was a fear i had and maybe i didnt realize it. Stephen how did he take it . He took it he took it he sort of took it. His feelings got hurt and then he got determined. Stephen wow. I mean, finally what happened was, i knew he was going to i knew he was going to be out the door and i didnt want to lose this guy. And i said yes. And he said, great. And i said, yes, but we cant tell people. And he said, no, thats not okay. We have to tell people. And i said, okay, yes, we can tell people bucialght i dont want to wear a ring. And he said, no, thats not okay. We have to tell people and you have to wear a ring. Finally it was, heres the dress, heres the date, just show up. Jon thats a good way to get somebody else to plan it. I understand youre the youngest of a big family as am i. Yes, im the youngest of eight. I know you have me beat. You have 15 or something . Stephen 11, 11. Theres a guy in the audience who is one of nine out there. Catholic . Audience yes. Yes. He was going to be catholic or mormon. Stephen sure. Where do you fall . Im the youngest. Stephen oh, baby i know stephen baby of 11. Do your siblings hate you . Stephen yes you get away with anything. My mom was so tired. Where are you going . Youre going to your boyfriends house . Just make sure youre there safe. I mean, i was at my boyfriends house when i was 13. Stephen wow. My mom wasnt that lax. But i was a little bit of a freerange chicken. Youre fine. Go to bed. Are you still up . Stay up. I like your company. What about the clothes . Youre always scrambling through somebodyalcys drawers for clothes and you never have socks that match. Stephen somebodyalcy blazer. How many boys, how many girls . We had seven girls and one boy. Stephen wow and one one bathroom. Stephen oh, my did he ever get into the bathroom . laughter . I dont ever remember my brother being in the bathroom. laughter i wonder what he did. Yeah, we would all but, you know, sunshine its seven girls, all girls hang out in bath rooms together so that really wasnt an issue. Wed all, you know, silt on the counters and Smoke Cigarettes cs and blow them out the window and somebodys taking a exphowr smaen doing their makeup and everyones talking. I loved it. Stephen can you say them fast. Yes, i bet you can, too. Stephen ill do 11 while you do eight. From the top down or how you want to do it. Show off. Im doing it from the top town. One, two three. cheers and applause stephen you beat me. You beat me. Congratulations. Thank you. Stephen i wish i had something for you. Ive got this beautiful picture of you did your mom call you every name but your own . Stephen sliewcialgths absolutely. Even the dogs name. Stephen we didnt have a dog. We didnt have a dog. My mom said, no dogs until more people move out and get married. We didnt go to camp because we lived at camp, because that is what it was like. And no dogs equal you people all clean up after yourselves. You know what i love which i saw you when you did that troibt your mom and that really was wonderful. I watched it a lot of times and i think everybody for mothers day should watch it. Stephen thank you very much. She was a beautiful woman. I was very lucky. applause okay, you have speak of moms, you have your own parenting site. Explain this name for me. Its what the flicka . What is what the flicka . My nickname is flicka. Being the eighth kid my mom ran out of family catholic names, so my sisters were at the high School Convent with this woman named flake so she named me flicka. And the local priest said its not catholic. I think she got debunked. So its st. Felift. What the flicka is a site i create when i had started having kids because i found is so alienating and difficult and horrible disppt only conversation out there was like, isnt it the best thing youve ever done . And i kept going, no stephen your children arent watching tonight are, they . No. Stephen youre in the third season now of American Crime. And this is sort of set up in an interesting way. Its an ensemble experveg year, you all play different parts in the story. Its not based on an individual crime but the idea of its not recreating a crime. No. Stephen but its it deals with a onecrime issue. What is it this year . This year, oddly enough, in season one and two, it was a crime that was the inciting incident, and the story followed from there. And this is sort of the fabric of many different crimes. I think its illegal imgraicialgz forced labor, sex trafficking. Its a comedy. laughter those are the issues. Stephen what do you think the biggest crime in america is right now . Gosh, you know, there are so many. But i think its that weve stopped theres no dialogue. Weve stopped talking to each other. I think everyones stuck in their own and i am, too their own ideology and whats wrong and whats right. Stephen it makes it hard to fix things, i suppose. Fles tee, it was very nice to meet you stephen the new season of American Crime premieres this sunday on abc. Felicity huffman, everybody. Well be right back with Jurnee Smollettbell. Stick around. When i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. Liberty did what . Yeah, with Liberty Mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila voila sigh i wish my Insurance Company had that. Wait hold it. Hold it boys. Theres supposed to be three of you. Wheres your brother . Wheres your brother . Hey, wheres charlie . Charlie . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® bite into magnum double cookies and cream. And unleash your wild side. Made with cookies cream ice cream and rich belgian chocolate. Discover magnum. Get 10 off your purchases of 25 or more so stock up with 2550 off sonoma for the family. Like 9. 99 boys sonoma tees. Plus, 8. 99 sonoma towels and youll get kohls cash too keep it simple with sonoma only at kohls. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the late show. cheers and applause youve seen my next guest in full house, friday night lights, and true blood. She now stars in the series underground. Please welcome Jurnee Smollettbell hello stephen well, lovely to have you on the show. Thank you for having me stephen and meeting you in person i am not at all surprised to hear that you were jon batistes first crush, i understand. Jon oh me . Stephen that you had a crush on her from afar when you were younger . Jon wow, you got the inside information, didnt you. Stephen weve got a Research Team here. So, anyway, this young man, you were his first crush right over there. Jon hello. Oh, my goodness hey hello jon hello nice to meet you. Im a huge fan of yours. Jon thank you applause stephen its not a bad gig, hey, jon. Jon hey, man, not bad. Stephen we had your brother on here. Here. Jesse. Stephen we had jesse on here from empire. Who is the better smollett . I think jesse would tell you me absolutely. Stephen how many of the smolletts are there. Six of us please, i have to ask you one more time. Jjorks jazz, jesse, jockey. Stephen where do you fall in the family . Im the fourth. Im the youngest girl. Me and my sisters were the only girls and we held on to each other for dear life with four brother s. Stephen well, im one of eight brothers and three girls. Ouch stephen but whatever your family is seems normal. Absolutely its your normal. Stephen you have been performing since you were a baby. Ive been in front of the cameras since i was 10 months old. Stephen what were you acting at 10 months . I was modeling. I was modeling diapers. Stephen and how does one model a diaper . Isnt it sort of placed on you . Well, you have to sit pretty, as im trying to do right now in this dress. Stephen did you get a lifetime supply or something jew know, i dont know, but i wish that would have been worked into my deal, because now im a mom. This would have been, like, very helpful for me right now. Stephen congratulations. How old is your child . Hes four months old. Stephen four months old wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Stephen above everything else, congratulations on not seeming exhausted. You know, im an actress. We know how to lie. Stephen yeah. Because we just had Felicity Huffman out here and she says sade its horrible. Dude literally, weve been promoting season two of underground, and my son sounds disooidz now hes going to stay up through the night on the promo tour. Stephen they were small but relentless opponents . Oh, my gosh, tell me about it. Stephen whats his name. Hunter zion bell. Stephen no j . Done with it. I was like absolutely not. Stephen youre breaking the chain . Listen, the cycle has to stop, people stephen now, on underground, you play a character named rosalee. Yes. Stephen who is underground refers to the underground railroad in the show. Who is rosalee. Rosalee in season one was a young house servant who worked, in the house and, you know, her father was the planter, was a plantation owner. Didnt acknowledge, obviously, that he was. And in season one, we see rosalee escapes the plantation after having never been outside in her life. Stephen where is the plantation . Macon, georgia. She runs 600 miles to freedom, with the macon seven, her comrades. She makes it to the north at the end of the season one, and meets up with Harriet Tubman, with the intention of going back. And in season two, which premiered this past wednesday, we see me five or six yeah, you can clap. We hay good premiere. Stephen we have a clip here. Whats happening in the clip . So, in this clip, five months have passed. Ive been trained up by Harriet Tubman to learn how to transfer carg oh, which are human beings, to freedom. And in this clib clip, im trying to get this gie gooi whos injured to get up off of his feet. Feet. Stephen all right, jim. Move through the trees go, go, go come on now come on were almost there come on. I cant. Yes, you can now, listen to me. You got two choices. You got life. You got death. Youve got to trust your instincts right now. That animal, that animal inside of you, that fear, it be powerful. Its going to make your eyes blink wider, make your heart beat faster. You have to tiewz right now. Its the only thing thats going to save your life. gasping run stephen wow. What are you applause i do . Stephen that looks like a scene from pulp fiction. What are you doing to him there . Im giving him a shot of adrenaline. Stephen what . They had adrenaline back then . Yeah, you know, i mean, my character in the daytime, i work at a hospital under an alias, so im constantly, like, stealing medicine. Stephen wow. So, you know, i im giving him this because hes been injured and we gotta we gotta keep the mission going. Stephen how do you research how do you priep to play a role in a story so intense . You know, it requires a lot of research in order for you to saturate yourself into this world. I was reading a lot of books, a lot of slave narratives like the bullwhip days reading a firstperson account what it was like to be a slave, and it brought a level of truth to me. Theres one story that really blew me away is the story of ellen and william kraft. She was an enclaved woman, fair skinned, married to william kraft, who was daerk skinned. They escaped on a train by her pretending like she was a white man. Stephen what . Yes. Stephen like she put her hair up in a hat . She cut her hair off. He disguise she dressed as a man and decides her as a white man and her husband was disguised as her manservant. And they got on the train and rode to freedom applause . Stephen wow. These men and women were genius. You know, they really were genius. And they used their instincts. They used wits. They were so brilliant. And even though they had these chains binding them, they really used their human will to get their freedom. Stephen they screened this the first season at the white house, i understand. Last season. Stephen last season at the white house. Last sane. Stephen last season at the white house. Any chance youre going to screen this taken at the white house . You know, we havent gotten an invitation stephen good luck, good luck. I dont think its going to happen you. Stephen never know, you never know. Underground airs wednesday nights on wgn america. Jurnee smollettbell, everybody well be right back with comedian anthony devito. Well be right back with comedian anthony devito. Stick around. No. Here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. You get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. 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These are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing americas emissions. Energy lives here. band playing cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a new york comedian making his Network Television debut. Please welcome anthony devito. applause so, this is what i look like. laughter ethnically ambiguous. Which means im white, but i get to the airport pretty early. laughter applause okay. 8 30 flight im there at 4 00 in the morning. I do think racism will die out eventually, just because everybodys having sex with everybody. So yeah, more and more races are mixing. In 100 years, racists are going to have to be so specific. laughter theyre going to have to be like these bleep mexican, half jew, quarter koreans are ruining this country, their taco think about laundromats. Its not right. applause okay. Cool. I also dont get homophobia. One of the funniest things i ever heard, told to me by a black, flamboyant, overthetop gay coworker. We were just talking, i was making conversation. I was like, its cold in here. He was like cold . Its chili willy penguin bones. How are you not a weatherman . You describe the room temperatureaise great idea for a Childrens Book . Wow. laughter i kind of just have to be with whoever. I just keep getting hairier. laughter i dont know at what point youre legally a cat. laughter applause whoa, okay. And none of the hair is distributed evenly on my body. If youre a girl and you look at my face, and youre like, oh, if thats a preview of what lies beneath, no thank you. laughter but when i take off my shirt, my chest isnt that bad. But then i take off my pants, and i am still wearing pants. laughter applause thats where its all kept. Its like a centor. laughter applause a friend of mine was talk to me about sex. And he was like, how many girls have you ever slept with . Whats your number . And my number was so low, he said, how many people have ever seen your penis . I dont know the answer to that, but thats a way more interesting group. You put my mom. , dr. Michael scopetullo. Some random gap employee. laughter all in the same room, thats all theyd have in common. Thats how im organizing one table at my wedding. laughter applause cheers oh just one. Watch them figure it out over time. College roommate, some guy that works in my gym. My aunts dog. Just because in the beginning, theyre going to be like, how do we all know anthony . But then two hours into it, theyre going to be like,have we all seen it . That explains the afghan hound. laughter my grandma is actually getting married. 90 years old. cheers and applause yeah. Her boyfriend is 62. Yeah, right . Not even a cougar. Thats a different animal. Its leak a water buffalo. Shes 90, hes 62. Shes also deaf. Hes blind. He has one leg. Its an interracial relationship. And they met in a nursing home. Ai yeah, well, all right, well. applause i mean, i never felt more pressure to write a joke. Its a lot of things. The first time we ever met him, i was talking to my mom about it. I was like, isnt that crazy . My moms like, i know. I cant believe shes marrying a black guy. I was like, i cant believe thats the part you cant believe. We just met a duquesne pirate. Youre hung up on that. Holy hell. My girlfriend is actually eight years younger than me. Im 34, but when we first started dating, i was 30. She was 22. I knew what i was getting into. Every now and then shed act her age. When she did, i let it slide. But friends of mine would get so mad. Theyd be like, youre just going to let her behave like that . Youre not going to say something. I would be like, dont tell me how to raise my girlfriend. Dont you dare. All right, thank you very much. Stephen you can hear him every week on his podcast, the rad dudecast. Anthony devito, everybody well be right back. Dear fellow citizen, i know what its like to worry about student loan debt. I graduated into it. It was keeping me from doing the things i love, like traveling to see my nephews. But i knew there had to be a way to manage it. Citizens Bank Education refinance loan. Call. Or visit citizensbank. Com refi to find out how much you could save in less than two minutes. I refinanced more than 6 federal and private loans. Even if youve already consolidated, you can still refinance your undergrad and grad loans. Now that im saving, i can visit my nephews. And i can help you with your student debt, so you can do whatevers important to you. If you have a question about whether refinancing is right for you, ask me. Sincerely, robert kennedy, fellow grad and fellow citizen. Citizens Bank Education refinance loan. Call. To see how much you could save now. The late show, everybody. Join us next week when ill be talking to Ewan Mcgregor and jessica lange. Now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from wasilla, alaska, give it up for your