cheers and applause jon hey, hey stephen welcome to the show, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. Happy to have you. Im your host, stephen colbert. It is friday. Today marks 35 years of donald trump in office. laughter and no, im sorry, 35 days. It just feels like 35 years. And, of course,trump is in charge of our nuclear missiles, and if that does not scare you, perhaps this will. Yesterday, in an interview he said he wants to expand the u. S. Nuclear arsenal and make it top of the pack. laughter im not sure if he means top dog or leader of the pack. But either way, he is not the sharpest knife on the christmas tree. laughter cheers and applause but applause but its a terrifying prospect. After years of carefully decommissioning our nukes, obama won the nobel prize for that. applause trump wants to ramp up nuclear production. Its like the cold war all over again, but this time, everyones on russias side. laughter and he allowed so we know who the winner is. And he elaborated with the following reassuring words, i am the first one that would like to see everybody nobody have nukes. laughter applause everybody nobody have nukes. Actually, i think thats how nukes work. First, everybody has them. Then nobody has them. And in between, theres a big boom. cheers and applause you just get rid of them. Secretary of state Rex Tillerson was in nasdaq city yesterday to meet with his mexican counterpart who i hope is named mex tillerson. Only fair. And tillerson really had his work cut out for him because mexico was none too happy about trumpa new immigration rules, especially the ones that, recommends sending anyone detained from entering the u. S. Illegally to mexico, regardless of whether they are from that country. There you go. See, justice isnt blind. She just cant tell hispanics apart. laughter and it must have been awkward moment for tillerson and the mexican diplomats when they saw donald trump describe his immigration plan from the white house. Were getting really bad dudes out of this country, and at a rate that nobodys ever seen before, and theatre bad ones. And its a military operation. Stephen yes, a military operation. So, congratulations to whoever had war with mexico in their office pool. laughter at least now we know how hes getting rid of all those nukes. Now, secretary of Homeland Security john kelly immediately issued a statement that there would be no use of the u. S. Military to enforce immigration. So which is it . Sean spicer . The president said today that the deportations taking place under his watch are a military operation. Right. Secretary kelly sailed the military wont be involved in deportations. Did the president misspeak . The president was using that as an adjective. laughter stephen im not im not an english teacher, but hes using military operation as an adjective . laughter as you do, as you do, do you like my new haircut . Yes, its very military operation. Yet do these pants make my ass look military operation . But the department of Homeland Security has been trying to reassure immigrants all week. As one official said, we do not have the personnel, time, or resources to go into communities and round up people and do all kinds of mass throwing folks on buses. Wow, thats a superspecific plan for something youre not going to do. Dont worry, hone. I would never lace your coffee with sleepy pills, put you behind the wheel, and then jam a brick on the accelerator. Where am i going to find a brick at this hour . Lets see. Hey, everybody excited about the oscars this weekend . cheers . Stephen yeah . Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You are all liars, because a recent poll showed 60 of americans cant name one best picture nominee. So oscars so white has become oscars so what . Now, im going to be watching this sunday because my dear friend jimmy kimmel is hosting and hes going to crush it. Hes an amazing jimmys a good friend. Youre going to do great, baby doll. I dont know if you are aware of this, but i am also a member of the entertainment industry. And as such, i have deep knowledge of the best pictures, even though i have not seen all of them or possibly any of them. laughter fortunately, you can figure out exactly what happens in a movie just by looking at the poster. And thats this is another edition of late show best picture poster recap. All right, this will just get everybody up to speed on what is the in all the best picture nominations, whether or not you saw them. Another here we go. First up la la land. This, clearly btwo crazy kids who fall in love while accidentally highlying hitler. Yeah, a sad ending. Its a cautionary tale. Next up arrival. Im going to say nerch this movie is really upset because amy adams lost her giant black contact lens. Now, i dont know if you saw lion. Its about two lovers from the wrong side of the tracks specifically, above and below them. laughter then theres the magnificent Hidden Figures the incredibly true story applause yeah, amazing. Its a true story. Its a true story. Did you see it . Jon yes. Stephen i did not see it true story. I know it is the true story of how it took hollywood until 2017 to figure out that black people see movies, too. Now, everyone, everyone out there is talking about hell or high water which, if the poster is to be believed is a madcap comedy about two brothers who cant find their pickup truck. Also, giant jeff bridges. I think hes going to win for most actor this year, largest actor. Hes going to win for largest actor this year. Up next moonlight. This is actually applause im not surprised people are excited about this movie. I am. This is the next movie if the xmen series. From the poster i believe it is about a mutant with the power to grow a welltrimmed beard half of his space facewhen the moon comes out. Marvel has done it again. The next nominee is hacksaw ridge a true gripping story about a guy named hacksaw ridge the the only professional wrestler to fight in world war ii. Next is fences a heartwarming story of a couple gazing lovingly at their new fence. And finally, manchester by the sea. I think this will win it. Its an intimately family drama about a guy who has to break the news to his girlfriend that he lost her favorite seagull. Anyway, those are the oscar movies for you this weekend. We have a great shore of show for you tonight. The plofl and talented Allison Williams is here. But when we come back, i take a trip to nasa. Stick around. Check that out youre not going to make it. Bestselling brand . Do you think you can make it . Uhh. Make it. Every time. Nice going further to keep drivers moving freely. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. What bad back . Gels work so fast youll ask what pulled hammy . Advil liqui gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. So tasty. Its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Hashtag crispety, hashtag peanut buttery. Hashtag stop posting about it and eat it already. Butterfinger. Im in vests and as a vested investor in vests, i invest with e trade, where investors can investigate and invest in vests. Or not in vests. This is my retirement. Retiring retired tires. And i never get tired of it. Are you entirely prepared to retire . Plan your never tiring retiring retired tires retirement with e trade. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why but so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. applause stephen come on give it up for the band cheers and applause incredible, man. Welcome back, everybody. Well, i tell you what, were going to have to bring in were going to have to bring in Civil Engineers to check the structural damage in this building because you all just tore the roof off this place. cheers and applause stephen all night. Hey, jon, i want to ask you a question about next week. You doing anything tuesday night . Jon yeah, ill be here. Stephen 11 35. Jon were doing a live show. Stephen youre going toment to be here because were doing a live show following president trumps address to a joint session of congress, all right, all right . Yeah. Its not the state of the union, becauselet country doesnt have that much union right now, but its like the state of the union and well be here to talk about everything he said and did right here on the show. Please join us. It will be super exciting. Right . Im right about the exciting part, right . Can we fact check whether it will be exciting . Theyre telling me it will be exciting. Now, whats also exciting right now, these are exciting times for the good folks at nasa. This week, nasa announced they found, not one, not two, but seven new planets in a star systems just 40 lightyears from here, and trump has already banned refugees from all seven planets. laughter and the other exciting thing is that now, america has taken the lead. We are heading back to space, thanks to Boeings Starliner capsule. And naturally, daeld wants in. Jim. Recently the good people of nasa invited me to the Kennedy Space center where american heroes continue to shoot for the stars. One of those heroes is commander chris ferguson, who pilottedly the final mission of nasas iconic shuttle program. America will continue the dream. Stephen today, chris is the director of crew and Mission Operations for boeing, so i asked to meet him to see if i had the right stuff. laughter to make it to space. This is the centaur second stage stephen we started with the technical review of the starliner system. How will the starliner work . Uh. Its a rocket. Stephen its a rocket, okay. Hold on. Let me get that down. Rocket. The starliner, were going to ride on an atlas 5 boost gler which one of these are we talking about here . Theyre both models will of the atlas 5. One is a little shorter than the other. Stephen theres a short one and a long one. Thats one models stephen there are two models over there. But there are two different sizes of the same rocket. Stephen so there are two sizes. It does not come in two size. Stephen why are there two models . I dont know. Stephen this is by far the most phallic rocket to go into space. Im not sure we can show that on camera. Jimmy, this is a family show. And what shaped rocket will female astronauts go up in, a georgia okeefe paintings . They will be the same. And the strapon boosters. Stephen do you guys always use two strapons . For this particular mission we do, yes. Stephen okay. But you can put up to five. Stephen you can use five strapons at once . Yes. Stephen wow. With the technicalities behind us, it was time for me to try on boeings highly amounted new space suit. Unlike the bulky suicide of yesteryear, praised for its light weight, flexible design, it is the next generation of space suit. What do you think . Youre not going to use that. Stephen why not . Look how practical it is . Turns out i had the wrong suit. This was the suit. This feels right. You look good. Stephen tell me about the gloves. So the gloves are they have a capacitor touch so you can operate a touchscreen. Stephen i can use an iphone with this . Because on reentry im going toment to be check might go instagram. Very important. Stephen thats actually looking. Look at that. Okay, lets get a selfie. You dont want to put your finger up . No. laughter applause stephen there is a hole right here. Is this where he week up the gravy tube . Thats where your air hose will connect to, yes. Stephen another great, lets do it. Oh, yeah. There you have it. Right. Stephen i cant help but notice, and i want to put this delicately that when you attach the tube, it gives you an enormous ass. Is there a reason for that . This is sweet. Look at that. I look like space nicki minaj. Whats going on with that . Stuft st just to make it as unflattering as possible. I dont think they were trying to make you look bad. When you sit down, your butt takes up more material so when you stand up its unflattering. Stephen you think im fat say so. Just say im a little heavier and could lose a few pounds. You could lose a couple of pounds. Stephen okay, forget it. Next it was on to the starliner capsule itself where i would be strapped down for an intensive interview. What kind of technical degree did you receive that may help on future missions to the International Space station . Station. Stephen i have a theater degree. I can act like i have technical skills. Watch this. Uhh, lets get the du1 on the downer. We are burning daylight. Lets light this candle. We are detoxing. Lets turn on the oxygen. I just broke a switch. Did you break that switch. Stephen what are the rcs1 . We need rcs1. Stephen what is that . Reaction control jet number 1. Stephen how am i doing . How am i scoring so far . Im afraid breaking that switch is not going to reflect well on you. Stephen im stronger than i thought. Do you guys say, light this candle . We never say, light this candle. Stephen if i say, lets light this candle, no one would say they know what i mean. Would know what you mean but the cooler astronauts dont say that. Stephen what do they say . Ready to fly. Q. Thats cool. Are you ready. Stephen lets light this candle. Youre not youre not doing exceedingly well here. Flying with the crew and living on the International Space station with other astronauts requires someone to be very flexible and get along with others. Do you have experience in this area. Stephen im flexible in terms of my needs. Is that important . Yes. Stephen okay, good. I just have a couple things. I made a small list of things i need while im in orbit. I cant go anywhere without a lavenderscented candle. And i also have a Service Animal for anxiety. Seriously . Stephen yeah, its a possum. And legally you have to let me take it because its a service possum. Im not sure if a possum is in the mix, steve glen again, its a service possum. I can just put no here. Stephen how am i doing . Dipass . Aint no stopping us now. Were going to space. Stephen i had taken every test with flying colors and i couldnt wait to hear what my crucial role would be in americas triumphant return to space. Were going to proclaim you the first honorary starliner astronaut commander in charge of sticker placement. applause stephen all right. Lets light this candle. applause cheers and applause stephen well be right back with Allison Williams. Stick around. By the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, midcentury ranch with the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. This race is consequential. Its all about being able to look your kid in the eye. And say, honey, its gonna be okay. And this woman understands it in her gut. She gets it. Stephanie hansen understands what people need. This election is very, very important to middle class people to live the life they deserve. Dont ask yourself the morning after the election why didnt i vote . applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. Hey, jon. Folks, my very first guest tonight is best known as marnie on girls. She now stars in the new thriller get out. Sir, i can see your lnls, please . Wait, why . I have state i. D. No, no, he wasnt driving. I didnt ask who was driving. I asked to see his i. D. Yeah, why. That doesnt make any sense. Here. You dont have to give him your i. D. , because you havent done anything wrong. Its okay. Any time theres an incident we have every right to ask maam everything all right, ryan . Im good. Get that headlight fixed and that mirror. Thank you, officer. Stephen please welcome Allison Williams. applause hi hi stephen hi, nice to meet you. Its so nice to meet you. Stephen that is an absolutely beautiful dress. And yours is beautiful, too. Stephen thank you very much. You actually look like a princess. Thank you thats my dream compliment. Stephen it might be the new blond hair. Im blond now. As you saw, im no longer that hair color. Stephen do you shock yourselves sometimes when you look in the mirror . Constantly, im not used to it. And by the way, just to head this off do i have more fun . No i am a ball of hairrelated anxiety. Stephen why . It feels different. I know know some of you have dyed your hair. It feels very different. One feeling of hair thats a phrase that makes sense yeah, please, make a most that. I had one feeling of hair for 28 years. Stephen yes. And then i have a new feeling of hair, and it is dryer, and i just wouldnt recommend it. I dont even youre considering stephen do a hot oil treatment, baby. Go in there. Do a hot oil treatment. It will turn your tub into a frictionless surface, and youll die. Why did you change from brunette to bloand. Did you want to shake marnie off like dust from a boot . Yes, thats the exact expression i used. That is so weird. No, i have never heard that expression, but its great. I did it yeah, i mean, its part, like, rudimentary. It was for a magazine cover. But i was willing to do it because its like a breakup. Ive been with her for six years. And love her. Shes difficult. No one else likes her, but i see what other people cant. And now its time to say gone. And to quote the mickey mouse show. Wasnt that from now its time to say goodbye to all our company. The rest is copy righted thats abc. Thats abc. This is cbs. Sure is. Oh, i know. Stephen but you do look like a disney princess. So it all fits. Disney, which owns, you know, not cbs. Stephen saying goodbye what do you think youll miss most . You must be wrapped because your hair is different. Im done. I said gone to her on saturday. And i was very emotional about it. Stephen what are you going to miss the most, your buddies or the awkward, unattractive sex scenes because the show is famous i feel like that question has a slant to it. Stephen the show is famous for having an awkward sex the two are more related than you can imagine. Stephen go on. Well, the sex scenes breed a kind of intimacy, as you can imagine. Stephen i dont, ive never done one. Never inspect . Not even on stage . Stephen ive done the real deal. But laughter applause ive never gone pro. Ive been naked on stage, but i have never actually had a sex scene. Is that news . That you have been neighborhood on stage. Stephen lets make some news. Yeah, ive been naiked on stage. Yeah, yeah. applause every night when the audience leaves, i just. Oh, okay, okay. If no one was there, it doesnt count. Stephen okay. No, ive been naked on stage. Wow, so ive never done that. Stephen youre not naked in these scenes . Ive never been naked. Im technically stephen it looks like it, no offense. No offense is taken. Thats the goal. Im having sex so conceivably id be naik gld thats how it works. Youre actually not completely naked. But even still, its very nucial. Ive had sticky things that are put on me so im not naked at the end of the scene end up on one of my male scene partners. Stephen something that covers some intimate part you. Theyre covered, theyre good, i, on the other hand, am not. So thats always awkward pup get really close because theres no way to get through them except to giggle and have fun together. For the girls, this suction, i wish i could see them all the time. Stephen do you warn your information before this hams. Do you go, just dont watch this one . Just dont watch this one . No, at this point, honestly, we all sit back as a family, oh, this is a good one. Equal wl done. Stephen oh, lord. How is your wonderful father, Brian Williams . Im a big fan of his. Hes good. Stephen does it ever annoy you, because youre a performer and gifted act express your father is funnier than professionaliz know. Does it ever make you mad . It is annoying. It would be annoying if i didnt love him so much. I am happy to report my younger brother is the funniest williams by leaps and bounds. And when that moment happened it was a deeply sad day for both mostly for my dad. Not only is he a sportscaster. Hes younger. Hes improved. Hes got my moms gene pool. And hes also just so much funnier than any of us. And we just worried that hes bored all the time around us. Stephen how many kids are there . Just the two of us. Its very tidy. Theyre just replacing themselves. Yeah. Stephen well, the new movie is called get out, which was written and direct by jordan peele. And i understand now, i heard its like a horror movie with a social message. Yeah, one of those. Stephen exactly. The texas chainsaw massacre. 100 . Your average horror movie that deals with racism. Stephen so in this in this you go to this little town i dont want to give anything away. But bad things are happening to African Americans in this town. Well, okay. So i its sort of like guess whos coming to dinner until it really isnt anymore at all. Like, nothing bad happened to Sidney Portier in the way that it goes down. So what happens sibring my boyfriend home to meet my parents. I didnt tell them hes black. I dont think theyre going to care. Theyre, like, liberal, nice parents. Ive known them my whole life stephen brad whitt ford. Brad whitt ford. Theyre katherine and Bradley Whitt ford are actors. Stephen i have to write that down its a pretty Even Exchange of information so far. Stephen it really is, it really is. So. I bring my boyfriend home, and its, like, its going fine, but im noticing that theyre saying things they dont usually say around him and they arent behaving totally normally. So part of it is how im realizing my family ive known my whole life maybe isnt as racially sensitive as i thought they were. So then at a certain point it becomes kind of like, well, do i stick with the people that are treating this guy i love a lot not super well, or do i stay with my perfect, loving boyfriend . I dont know. Oh, and then its also a horror movie . laughter okay, i can just say stephen that really does sound like guess whos coming to dinner . That is exactly the plot. Here is the inherent issue of doing press for this movie is it is full of spoirlz so i can really only talk to the end of the first third of the movie which is what i just described to you. Stephen thats fine, thats fine. Have you lied to me at all in this interview yet . Only no. laughter . Stephen not about the movie, about anything . Is your brother really the funniest one in your family . Yes, thats not a lie. I dont think i have lied to you i have. laughter . Stephen i dont know what to believe anymore, Allison Williams. Perfect, perfect. Stephen lovely to meet you. So nice to meet you. Stephen thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen your highness. Oh, thank you. Stephen get out is in theaters now and the final season of girls is airing on hbo as we speak. Allison williams, everybody. Well be right back with cash jumbo. Maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. Nobody does unlimited like tmobile. While the other guys gouge for unlimited data. Tmobile one save you hundreds a year. Right now get two lines of data for 100 dollars. With taxes and fees included. Thats right 2 unlimited lines for just 100 bucks. All in. And right now, pair up those two lines with two free Samsung Galaxy s7 when you switch. Yup free. So switch and save hundreds when you go all unlimited with tmobile. As a dancer, i love being able to pass on everything i know. One thing ive learned is that when all eyes are on me, i cant have any doubts. Especially when it comes to what im wearing. It needs to fit my body just right. Looking good on stage is one thing. But real confidence comes from feeling good out there. Try the improved fit of new depend silhouette briefs. Get a free sample at depend. Com. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks my next guest tonight is an actress best known for her role on the good wife. Now shes back in the cbs all access show the good fight. So how far does a smile get you . The. The badboy tom cruise smiles. Do the judges go wild for it . That and a good argument. No. I think youve always relied on the cute little metrosexual thing, the oh, my god, the law is just something i stumbled into bleep grin. Wow, the powers of perception. Thanks. Stephen please welcome cush jumbo. applause cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Nice to see you. Stephen now, the last time you and i were together we were lucky enough to have dinner together. We were. Stephen you, me, my wife, Anthony Weiner for reasons we wont go into. No. Stephen its a long story the weaner was between your wife and i. Stephen thats exactly right. So often, so often that happens. But lovely to see you again. Thank you. Stephen my wife says hi. Hi, evy. Stephen now, listen, i think your name cush jumbo is so beautiful. Thank you. Stephen its so beautiful. Thank you. Stephen and all respect to your parents, it does sound like the name of something that is legal in colorado. Where does the name cush jumbo come from . Its like the number one question i get asked is like, how did you pick your stage name . Because people assume you can make that up, that cush jumbo is something you pull out of a book. But my parents my dads gineegz, and my mom is from the north of glrngd yorkshire and they always loved biblical names stephen cush is a biblical name . The first king of egypt. Stephen the land of cush. Cushites. Its a very ancient name, and noah had three sons, and one of the sons had a son called cush. Stephen wow. Yeah, they smoked weed, too. So stephen noah or your parents . It was a combination. Oh, everyone did. It was a combination. Now i love it because people always know in this business its good to know if youve met someone or not and theres not another cush jumbo, so its all good. Stephen you started off in theater. Yeah. Stephen and i saw in taming of the shrew last summer. Did a beautiful job. Thank you. Stephen as the shrew in central park. You also did an allfemale version of julius caesar. Who were you . I played marc antony. Stephen the greatest rhetorical speech ever. Pretty much the greatest speech ever. And before i played marc antony, i never played a males role in shakespeare pain played a lot of the leading females but not a male and i loved it because i used to use a lot of male speeches to warm up naerp written differently. Theyre kind of like steak rather than bits of asparagus he writes for women and i used to really like them and it was a joy. It was great, it was great you kim over here you obviously trained in england, and when you came over here working with american actors doing shakespeare, was it different . He is the great bard of your language, of your native country. Do americans get it right . Is there something we do right or wrong with shakespeare here . I think whats nice is there is a real love of shakespeare in this country. Stephen you dont love it over there . We love it, but i think were left less refinant. We love his we love him but hes like the grandpa. Hes really wise and had a great career but is touching up your friend in the corner. Like a lovable stephen i dont actually know. I dont actually know. Hes like a lovable rogue. So, yeah, were slightly less reverent stephen are we trained differently for it over here . I think you might be, yeah. Our training is slightly different, and i think we do it in a very were very into into the movement and the voice and the physicality of of really getting into the text and the words. Like drama school, youre taught sonnets. Youre taught his poetry. Youre taught his speeches stephen people are taught sonnets here. I went to acting school for a little while. Did you have a fraifort faifort . Yes when i was in drama school in my second year you are given a sonnet that is made for you, and i when in disgrace with. Stephen exactly. Go ahead. Ill see fikeep up. Ready ready when in disgrace with fortune and mens eyes i all alone beweep my outcast state and travel heaven with my bootless cries and look upon myself and curse my fate wishing me like to one more rich in hope, featured like him with friends possess, diring this mani smart and that mans scope with what i most enjoy connented least. Yet, in these thoughts mierksz almost despising, happily i think on thee, and then my state, like to the lark and the break of day arising from sullen earth sings hymns at heavens gate. For thy sweep love remember such wealth brings. cheers and applause then i scorned and changed my state. cheers and applause stephen and you also do this show called the good fight. I do, that. Stephen the good fight is available on sundays on cbs all access. The great cush jumbo, everybody. Well be right back. applause live tv anywhere datafree. Tv and at t, stream join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. So tasty. A mihappy birthday, sweetie oh, millies. Trick or treat were so glad to have you here. What if we treated great female scientists like they were stars . Yasss queen what if millie dresselhaus, the first woman to win the National Medal of science in engineering, were as famous as any celebrity . [millie dresselhaus was seen having lunch today. ] [. Rumors of the new discovery. ] what if we lived in a world like that . crowd applauding we know a place thats already working on it. applause welcome back, everybody. Folks, my next guest tonight is a regular at the comedy cellar here in new york city. Please welcome carmen lynch. cheers and applause hi. I just had a birthday. cheers and applause im at that age now where im dating both fathers and sons. laughter i remember when i was in my 20s, i thought guys until their 40s were gross. But now im like, bring it on i love men in their 40s. Theyve lost hope. laughter theyre so real. Theyre halfway to death, and they know it. They know their dreams arent coming true, and its kind of charming. laughter yesterdays ew is tomorrows ahhh. I love old people, you know, the elderly, the ones that are, like, over 100. Theyre so old, they only come out in the spring. laughter theyre so cute and theyre so wise and you can ask them anything like, what are you still doing here . laughter my dad is getting old, and i can tell because my niece had an ice skating recital and my dad was supposed to record it. And he did. He just recorded the wrong little girl. laughter so now we have this video of this kid we dont care about. But shes so good laughter we watch her all the time and pretend its my niece. My dads near sight. He just cant see far away. Why dont we just call it far blind. Thats what it is. You know, we dont do that with any other disorder. If you have testicular cancer youre not like, im prostate healthy. laughter i love dogs. I think dogs are amazing. I dont like cats. I hate cats. Dogs are so much better. applause thanks for ive never had a dog. laughter but i can tell through my hatred of cats that i love dogs. Thats how lesbians feel about guys. laughter applause its the same formula. I remember when i was staying at my friends house, her cat came into my room at 3 00 in the morning and bit my foot and woke me up. And you think when a cat bites your foot at 3 00 a. M. , what do you do . You just get up and you kill the cat. But thats not what happened. Theicality came into my room, and bit my foot, and for some reason i was like, ouch who bit my foot . I dont know what i was thinking, like, maybe it was my friend. laughter like maybe i was going to look down and be like, liz, what are you doing . And shes like, you never text me back. laughter im just such a light sleeper. I hate that. I hear everything. I hear cats. I hear isis. laughter i hear new jersey. I hear everything. I hate those people who sleep all night because they always show off, i can sleep through anything. You know what . Youre going to die in a fire. applause cheers and im going to watch. laughter because ill be up roasting mash mallows in your face. Im in therapy. So. laughter i love complaining to someone who cant leave the room. Therapys great. Everyone in new york citys in therapy. I dont know what it is about this town. People love therapy. You could be like you lost your shoe and someone lobby like, you need to talk to someone about this. I think this has to do with your parents divorced. I think your dad has your shoe. laughter i love my therapist because she analyzes dreams. Like, she told me that everyone that shows up in your dream is actually you, no matter who it is. And then i had this dream that this big, brown bear was chasing me and i woke up and i was like, i better get that bikini wax. laughter applause it was just a little bear. I went to south carolina, and i went on my first horse and carriage ride and they sat me right behind the horses butt. And then this guy came up to the horse and he lifted up the tail and he jammed a stick about that long right into the horses butt. I know. And i was like oh, my god. Is this how you start horse . laughter and he was like, no, this is a thermometer. We have to take the temperature of the horse so we know hes okay to go on the tour. And i was like, oh. Well, im on a tour, too. laughter applause stephen her album is available now on itunes. Carmen lynch, everybody. Well be right back. Because my teeth are yellow. These photos . Why dont you use a whitening toothpaste . Im afraid its bad for my teeth. Try crest 3d white. Crest 3d White Diamond strong toothpaste and rinse. Gently whiten. And fortify weak spots. Use together for 2 times stronger enamel. Crest 3d white. Stephen thats it for the late show everybody. Please join us next week with patrick stewart, hugh jackman, and tuesday night well be following live after president trumps address to congress. Now stick around for james cordon. Good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside a quark particle system, give it up for
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