Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160730

Bud light the official beer of midweek drinking. laughter cheers and applause tonight, we will be looking back at some of the highlights from my coverage of this weeks Democratic National convention. Well, actually, youll be looking at them. Im going to be taking a little nappynap. Jim we believe in Hillary Clinton. So we made something for her and for you. Enjoy. This is for hillary. Dumdum dumdumdumdum dumdum dumdumdumdum like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves drumdrumbass highhatbass drumdrumdrum like how a single word can make a heart open i want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back ribs this is our fight song take back our life song prove were all right song my powers turned on starting right now ill be strong i did not agree to appear in this. I was just told to wait here with these things on my ears. No one mentioned this is part of a weirdly earnest a cappella song for clinton. Awful. What the hell we talked at the a cappella meeting. I was going to have the hat and the hair. This is our fight song again, i did not agree to be part of this. This song is going to irritate people. cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes john oliver, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city its time for the 2016 Democratic National convincing. Death. Taxes. Hillary. Stephen welcome welcome. cheers and applause hi, everybody welcome to my Democratic National Convention Highlights show, hosted by me and my best my best bud here. laughter we are literally friends. Hes talking to me right now. Whats that . Whats that . Everyones laughing at me . Well, theyre supposed to. I know how to shut you up. cheers and applause bud light put it in your weekend hole. laughter now, back when i could still stand, i would do that over there and tell jokes. Heres a look at some of our favorites this week. Bernie supporters have long accused the d. N. C. And their chairwoman, Debbie Wasserman schultz, of a prohillary bias. And now that these emails have been leaked, Wasserman Schultz is in deep whats the word . Doodoo. Stephen thank you. In one leaked email, a d. N. C. Staffer suggests attacking sanders faith wondering laughter , of course,. Of course. That makes sense, peeps are very religious. Those little marshmallow chicks never miss an easter sunday. By early evening, things had calmed down, but then bernie supporter Sarah Silverman and hillary supporter al franken took the stage and Sarah Silverman got a little tired of the crowd. To the bernie or bust people youre being ridiculous. cheers and applause stephen wow. It is rare when the comedian heckles the audience. laughter i love sarah, and im glad she said something because bernie supporters are known to respond positively to strong, independent women. There were a lot of great speeches tonight, but leave it to Michelle Obama to truly unify the democrats. cheers and applause you saw it . Incredible. Jon incredible speech. Stephen with tonights moving speech, she convinced everyone in that arena that it was finally time to elect as president of the united states, former first lady Michelle Obama. I want someone with the proven strength to persevere, someone who knows this job and takes it seriously, someone who understands that the issues a president faces are not black and white and cannot be boiled down to 140 characters. Stephen oh, thats good. Im going to tweet that right now. laughter thats good. Really got it. Hillary clinton this means Hillary Clinton could be the first female president , and america will finally catch up with 1960s sri lanka. , of course, tonight, prime time spot, democrats brought out the big dog, potential first ladys man, bill clinton. laughter and. cheers and applause thats official. Thats officially the name. Ive coined it. Thats officially the name from now on. And, of course, bill led off with some classic clinton charm. In the spring of 1971, i met a girl. Stephen bill, its supposed to be about hillary also tonight, Hillary Clintons running mate, virginia senator and loosefit khaki model tim kaine was there. The thrilla whos vanilla. Now, see if you can guess which demographic theyre hoping tim kaine will attract . speaking spanish stephen they were pushing this spanish thing so hard, that tonight they introduced him by breaking him out of a pinata. You fell for my brilliant wife and partner, michelle. Who somehow hasnt aged a day. I know. The same cannot be said for me. laughter . Stephen its true. He has aged. Jimmy, can we see a photo of him in 2008 . There you go. laughter okay, yeah. And, and now in 2016 . Yikes. Oh, hes thats about the makeup. Hillary clinton became the first woman to accept a major partys nomination for president of the united states. cheers and applause incredible. I mean, however you feel, however you feel about either of the candidates, i got chills. I got goosebumps. As soon as you see it happen, you go, of course, its so obvious. Why hasnt this happened before . This is huge. This is the buggest breakthrough for women since they won the right to bust ghosts. Hillary, of course, was not the only one who made history at this convention. Last night her v. P. Pick, tim kaine, accepted nomination to become the 48th consecutive male vice president. The Streak Continues way to go Hillary Rodham grew up in park ridge, illinois. Stephen im not saying hillary is going to win evangelicals, but youll notice that that was narrated by god. That was good. cheers and applause . Jon resonant voice. Stephen oh well be right back intrthe only lemon lime soda with a twist of real juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. Insist on the twist. And who doesntb then seize the day already. Crabfest is back at red lobster with so many kinds of crab and the most crab dishes of the year. So dive into whatever floats your crabloving boat. Like crab lovers dream. Crack open tender snow and king crab legs, and twirl creamy crab alfredo. Or try the new alaska bairdi crab dinner. Sweet and straight from the icy waters of alaska, youve gotta get it. To really get it. But it wont last forever, so hurry in. Dont bring that mess around here, evan whoo dont do it. Dont you dare. I dont think so [ sighs ] its okay, big fella. Were gonna get through this together. [ baseball bat cracks ] nice rip, robbie. Raaah when you bundle home and Auto Insurance through progressive, you get more than just a big discount. Im gonna need you to leave. You get relentless protection. [ baseball bat cracks ] you get relentless protection. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. Introducing tmobiles most epic deal ever get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. Thats right, a free Samsung Galaxy with every new line and get 4 lines with 6 gigs each for just 30 bucks a line. Plus everybody gets unlimited streaming from their favorite services. Dont wait. Get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone. So get tmobile now. Because our most epic deal ever is only for limited time. Stephen welcome back, everybody. This week has been so rough and releaptless that at times i thought i needed a safe word. Mine is bud light. A little dab will doia. About 200 years ago, last week, i was down at the republican National Convention. And my friend julius flicker man from hunger for power game was also there. We thought it would be fair if we did the same thing this week at the Democratic National convention and we went to the trouble of actually getting can you see this we got an actual podium pass which as lowz you up on the podium for his weasel. And the democrats didnt seem to care. Jim . The hungry for power games ica ligula, we have arrived at the Democratic National convention. Finally, a chance for Hillary Clinton to prove to the bernie delegates that she is not a puppet of the big banks. And what better place than the Wells Fargo Arena oooh, delicious, lets go i feel like im descending into the lower intestinal tract of the Democratic Party right now, where all of their ideals will eventually be excreted in the form of a viable candidacy. Haha, it paints a picture oh, yes we have arrived. Behind me you see the the podium upon which Hillary Clinton will be crowned the nominee. Oh, smell that. The the air is thick with bernies crushed dreams. Its like a musk hanging in the air. Im sorry, thats caligula. Hes getting a bit gamey. Lets get him in the refrigerator, please . The acoustics are wonderful in here. Lock her up lock her up thats good. That really rings. That really rings. Caligula get the scent. Get the scent. And go find the emails the one thing left to do was the one thing democrats really didnt want me to do mount podium where hillary would be crowned. Podium paz. I have a podium paz im just walking. You cannot go on the podium sir. Coy have a podium pass. My weasel has a podium paz. Im not going on the podium. Dont stop me now. There had to be more than one way to skin this cat. What if my weasel went on and i didnt . Ill leave if you just let the weasel on. Just the weasel what could the weasel hurt. That one down there is the decision maker. She has the power of life and death over me right now. Please, please, i have a podium paz. You should allow me on the podium. Please, i beg you im someones little boy. It has always been my dream to go on the democratic podium stage whatever you call it. I knew it was time to bring in the big guns. Yes, Speaker Pelosi please. Nancy, yes, i need some help getting on the podium. No, no, bring the kid it will be fun. No, theyre not going to keep you off. All right, great, thanks. Nancy may i call you nancy . You may call me nancy. Stephen i need you to throw some weight around. Lets go. Democratic National Convention podium. Thank you very much. Mr. Colbert youre not going on the stage. Stephen im with her. Were all going on together. So close, yet so far away. Is it okay if i go on the podium . Nope okay. Oh, say can you see by the dawns early light what so proudly we hail at the twilights last gleaming whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight oer the ramparts we watch were so gallantly streaming and the rockets red glare the bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there oh, say does that starspangled banner yet wave oer the land of the free and the home of the brave stephen can i go on the podium now . Nope. Stephen resigned to my fate, i decided to go home. But first, a short cbs promo for the affiliates. Hello, cbs affiliates. Its julius flickerman, live from the d. N. C. All week haha the late show. Lets go to the podium. Itll be fun. Come on. laughter cheers and applause have a great week have a great week everybody God Bless America god bless freedom god bless freedom of the press god bless the Democratic National committee god bless podiums haha haha im not one to gloat, but i won cheers and applause stephen thank you for trying to stop me. It was a lot of fun. Well be right back. Theres your beautiful baby. Any day now [crunch] youre eating doritos . Really . laughter owww give me that screaming [baby crying] [crunch] you can help prevent blindness in undernourished children across the globe by getting your vitamins at walgreens. Walgreens. At the corner of happy and healthy. Right now with card, select centrum vitamins are buy one, get one half off. First you start with this. These guys. A place like shhh no. Found it and definitely lipton ice tea. Lots of it. A lipton meal is what you bring to it. And the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. W. I was always searching for ways to manage my symptoms. I thought i had it covered. Then i realized managing was all i was doing. When i finally told my doctor, he said humira was for people like me who have tried other medications,. But still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohns disease. In clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. And many achieved remission. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers,. Including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions,. And new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb,. Hepatitis b, are prone to infections,. Or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. If youre still just managing your symptoms, ask your gastroenterologist about humira. With humira, remission is possible. Or savory woodfire grilled an chicken,s fresh summer salad, well give you both for just 8. 99. Applebees new wood fired grill salads starting at 8. 99 for a limited time this summer. Only at applebees. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know, one of my favorite things about doing a talk show is when other people talk. You know who does that real good . John oliver applause cheers and applause stephen welcome i didnt mean i know absolutely right. Stephen i didnt mean to interrupt your dance break. I know at heart, youre really just a hoofer. I speak with my body. When my body feels the beat, it expresses that beat, and it does that with whatever this is. Stephen okay, did you did you watch the convention tonight . I did, i did. Ive just been watching it backstage. Stephen yeah . Im all about tim kaine. Where are my kaineiacs in the audience . cheers and applause that is the entirely reflective view of tim kaine in america. Oh, yeah . He spoke tonight . I dont know if you saw him. That was some if hes going to be americas stepdad, that was an exemplary performance, the level of dad jokes and impressions that came out of that mans soft face. He is a tall glass of lactaid. His donald trump impression doesnt just not sound like donald trump. I dont think it sounds like anybody. laughter i would buy he even he did a dad flex at the end where the only thing he was flexing was his face. He went. We did it cheers that guy. Tim kaine. Thats the star of the evening. Stephen yeah. Forget the president. Tim kaine is where its at. Stephen did you watch joe biden . Sure, but, again, i cant no, no, Tim Kaine Stephen no, joe biden . Joe biden was fine. Stephen feelings. Ive never wanted to be called scamp by someone as much as i have. Stephen hey, sport. Hey, sport. Bedtime, scamp. Late, huh . Stephen assistant manager of a local Hardware Store . Exactly. Here, ill open your beer. Id rather you drank it here with me. Stephen so hes the cool stepdad. Hes as cool as he could possibly be. Ive never seen anyone more about to break into a harmonica solo than that man. laughter ever. Stephen he can do it. He can do it. I think he must have been frisked on the way out. Tell me you do not have it with you, tim. They want to hear it i promise you, they dont want to hear it. I will slap it out of your mouth. Stephen thats your impression of Hillary Clinton . Thats right i will openhand slap it out of your mouth. I so wanted to him hear say, i hereby accept the nomination for stephen i accept the nomination except my impression of a harmonica is more like a tim kaine impression, because it sounds nothing like a harmonica or anything. Stephen thats because youre actually trying to play your fingernails, but you cant do that. You just make a sound with your mouth. Like a stubby flute. Stephen did you watch last what was interesting for me, this week with the democrats they did what you always do in a Political Convention which the republicans forgot to do great country, going to be greater. Its an incredible thing to forget to say for four days. To get the end of four days and say we definitely said we loved america, right . Check the tape. We must have said it. We say it all time. Stephen i thought you were going to say it. I kind of remember you saying it. Stephen i was going to say its a flaming poop pile. Someone said it im sure. We must have said it. Oh, bleep i dont think we said it. Stephen one thing we didnt say was s, h, because this is live. Sorry, sorry. Stephen hbo hbo cbs. Thank you very much. Thank you for being here for my last broadcast. What an honor youre my last guest. Because of hbo, you got off lightly with that curse word. It could have been a lot worse. Stephen you have had some great shows lately but one of the things that stands out for me suactually use the power of your perch to help a russian warlord chechen warlord. Its a geographical gray area. Stephen the russians say it is russia putin would say youre absolutely right. Stephen well, vlad and i go way back. You actually helped a warlord try to find his cat. Well, what happened was laughter so a chechen warlord lost his cat, and hes, apparently, very active on instagram, which is objectively ludicrous. So we thought we would help him find his cat. Stephen and he tweeted you he instagrammed you. His account this is a chechen warlords instagram account. And again, think about that sequence of words and how nonsensical it should be. And yeah, hes very angry with me. Stephen why . You helped him find his cat no, hes still not found it. Stephen and hes blamed you . All we did was, what we asked people to do was, if they saw any cat anywhere, to please tweet and instagram him, saying, is this your cat . cheers and applause and he didnt he has a much worse sense of humor. Stephen weve got to go here in just a second because, again, were up against a hard break because were live. But i understand you have this amazing news, is that Gilmore Girls is launching. Yes. Stephen which im a huge Gilmore Girls fan. Who isnt . Who isnt . Stephen this was in the teaser trailer for the new Gilmore Girls. Jim . If you lead i will follow any, anywhere do you think john oliver would find me hot . cheers you want me to . Stephen do you want to answer that . Do you want to answer that right now . Lorelei, the answer is, yes, i do find you hot. And ill tell you why. Im a redblooded male with an inbuilt heat detector, and my heat detector registers you as en fuego. Stephen do you know who would sound good saying that . Tim kaine. Well be right back with someone very animated. Hint, it wont be me. cheers and applause which one of theseing awards appeals most to you . The top safety pick midsize car and suv. Most dependable. Means a lot to me. The green car because i like fuel efficiency. What if there was a car company that received all of these awards. One company won an award in all these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy. Chevrolet is the most awarded car company of the last two years. I love it its fierce. How would you sum this car up in one word . Incredible. Amazing. I cant use one word. Ithats so interesting honeyf mybecause im going to share p. A photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. Leggo my eggo leggo my eggo answering machine hey leave a message. Hi, i know youre there, cause i can see you. Im calling you to tell you to leggo my eggo anncr some things are too delicious to share. Golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles. Leggo my eggo. Is designed to respond towith revolyour body temperatureology to help keep you cool. Lets put it to the test. Youre up. Ew. Im gonna play it. Wedge . Yup next anncr it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. Hanes xtemp technology. Because when youre cool, youre comfortable. I think you got this. Right. Out out get get get grrr did you find everything okay, sir . Whaaaaat . Is caring. Ng because covering heals faster. To seal out water, dirt and germs, cover with a water block clear bandage from bandaid brand. applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. We are recording this at 1 36 in the morning. Fresh as a daisy cheers and applause you know, this week for the democrats was all about making Hillary Clinton a more threedimensional figure. And i think we achieved it by making her two dimensional. Stephen please welcome cartoon Hillary Clinton. Thank you, thank you, hello, hey hi up there. Stephen thank you so much, thank you so much for being here, secretary cartoon clinton. And, congratulations on your historic achievement tonight. Thank you, stephen. Thats what i love about america. You know, its the only place where a secretary of state, senator, and lifelong Public Servant can be put on equal footing with a screaming cantaloupe. laughter applause stephen okay, fair enough, fair enough. cheers but, madam secretary, first, i have to ask you, how do you think your husband did in his speech tonight . Wonderful. You know, he was healthy. He stood there. Wonderful. laughter applause stephen okay, praise indeed, yup. Nicely said, beautifully said. Lets get right down to it. How do you feel about the controversy surrounding the d. N. C. Hacked emails . Has it ruined the convention for you . That is a beautiful question, and it makes me very happy that you asked it of me. It is true that this week didnt start exactly as we planned it, since 1998, but i laughter yeah. But i think everyone agrees that now is the time for us all to come together in unity. Or harmony. Or solidarity. Or whatever synonym resonates more strongly with you. laughter im just going to delete. Deleting. Delete. Delete. Stephen i dont want to interrupt you, madam, but given how upset given how upset people are over these emails, can you really expect bernie supporters to get behind you . Again, thank you for that powerful question. You know, truly, one of our nations finest questions. Stephen, Bernie Sanders is a great friend and has been for days now. laughter cheers and applause hi hello hey, out there im happy to be here. Thank you. Stephen thank you for pointing. Stephen stephen yes . Bernie likes to tell it like it is, which is also what i do when i am alone and no one is watching. laughter hey stephen im over here. Im over here. All right, im back, ooik back. Stephen last week, last week at the r. N. C. , i met a few republicans, and they had some questions for you. Would that be okay if we took some of those questions right now . A surprise . Hooray i love fitting those into my schedule stephen great. All right, the first question comes from a republican, a debra in michigan. Secretary clinton, what are you hiding in the emails that you didnt give to the f. B. I. . Stephen there you go. Great question, debra. As a former senator and secretary of state, i am the most highly qualified person to ever seek the office of president. But as a grandmother, sometimes i make a booboo on the computer. Now, instead of focusing on my emails, lets focus on what donald trump will do to females. Thats a very funny joke, stephen, because the words sound similar. And we smile laughter applause exactly. They like it. Thank you thank you, over there. I appreciate it. Thank you. Stephen all right, lets take another question from another republican delegate from tina in florida. What would you do to fix the economy . Yes, powerful question. Best question in all of human history. Words, stated emphatically. Tilt head 15 no, 20 degrees. It makes me think of a time when i was in the swing state of pennsylvania, and i met a single mother who told me she needed a job. I was so moved, i hired her to be a talking point in my speeches. laughter and, stephen, together we did high touch of hands, stephen. Come on. Yes we are showing camaraderie cheers and applause yay thank you hello stephen okay, well, you seem really happy and relaxed, given the rough start to the week. Has your running mate tim kaine been helping ease the stress . Brilliant question. I wish i was always asked that question. Senator kaine and i have become very close. Heres something i learned from tim kaine. low rider laughter all my friends know the low rider the low rider this is appealing, right . I mean, popular music is a shared cultural Reference Point . Stephen it is. It is. Is there anything else youve learned . Oh, yes, ive also been learning espanol from senyatore kaieenay. For instance hola, muchas gracias, and donde esta mi esposo bill clinton . laughter cheers and applause thank you. Stephen let me get this straight wait a second. If i caught that last one, you learned to say where is my husband, bill clinton . Yes. Ive actually had to learn that in over 14 different languages. laughter stephen well, have a great week, madam. Week. Thank you, stephen, and thank you, and thank you stephen madam cartoon Hillary Clinton, everybody thank you, thank you. low rider thats not true. We agree on a lot. Like paul rudd. Everybody loves paul rudd. I didnt know this was going to happen you know what else everyone loves . Emojis. No. Beer thats why were forming the bud light party. Just wait till you see our caucus. Weve got the biggest caucus in the country ooooeeeyyyyy im really inspired right now. America has seen the light. And theres a bud in front of it sfx crowd cheers, fireworks time is the most valuable thing there is. [cuckoo cuckoo] people try to beat time. [scream]. But time always wins. Our greatest fear is running out of time. Theres a bomb in the salsa can we gotta get out of here my phones still charging so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . Why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . [explosion] [explosion] ahhhhhhhh the galaxy s7 edge, with fast Wireless Charging and our longest lasting battery. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like oh, i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. State farm knows that every one those moments, theres one of these. Well . I love it. This piece is so you. I know, right . I saw it and i was just like i have to have it. Is it suede . Its suede. I love suede. Thats why were there, with renters insurance, when things go wrong. But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. Welcome back. This week saw the return of an old friend lawyers. Stephen folks, i am really enjoying these Live Convention shows. You liking them . cheers and applause theyre electric. And one moment that i really enjoyed last week was the return of Stephen Colbert, the host of the colbert report. cheers and applause im glad you liked it. Im glad you enjoyed it. Ill tell you, you know who didnt enjoy it so much . Corporate lawyers. laughter because and this is true immediately after that show, cbss top lawyer was contacted by the top lawyer from another company to say that the character Stephen Colbert is their intellectual property. audience reacts which is surprising because i never considered that guy much of an intellectual. laughter so it is with a heavy heart that i announce that, thanks to corporate lawyers, the character of Stephen Colbert, host of the colbert report, will never be seen again. Audience no booing stephen i know look, i understand. I understand. Listen, i feel the same way, but what can i do . The lawyers have spoken. I cannot reasonably argue i own my face or name. laughter and as much as id like to have that guy on again, i cant. So instead, joining me now, live via satellite from philadelphia, please welcome, Stephen Colberts identical twin cousin, Stephen Colbert. Give it up, everybody cheers and applause hello. Stephen thank you for joining me, stephen. Youre welcome, stephen. Hello, america. Hello, colbert country stay strong be brave stephen now, i just want to be clear here, are you not the guy who had a Television Show for a decade . Absolutely not, stephen. Thats my twin cousin. This is my first appearance on television ever. How am i doing, america . cheers and applause stephen youre doing great. Now, identical twin cousin, how does that work . Its simple, stephen. Our moms were identical twins who married identical twin husbands. Then had sex at the exact same moment and gave us the same name. Stephen okay. That checks out. laughter but lets just make sure youre definitely not that guy. His wifes name was lorraine. Yes, my wifes name is lorrena. Stephen he went to dartmouth. I applied to dartmouth. Stephen okay, so totally different guy. Totally different guy. Also, im pretty sure hes gay. Nothing wrong with that. Im just saying he talked about it a lot. Where theres smoke theres fire. Stephen okay, ill take your word for it. Most of all, stephen, i want you to know im happy to be here tonight to save this country and join the late show team. Stephen wait a minute. So you want to be a permanent part of this show cheers and applause stephen, whenever you need me, wild horses, ridden by corporate lawyers, could not keep me away. Stephen well, youre a good man. Yes, i am. Stephen thank you. Stephen colberts twin cousin. Stephen colbert, everybody cheers and applause have a great show, everybody youre a damn fine looking man, by the way. Stephen hes a good guy. Hes a good guy. I like him. Im happy to have him on board. But it would have been great to have that other guy who used to have the tv show. I really like some of the bits he used to do. But, again, what can i do in the face of corporate lawyers . Which brings us to tonights werd. The lesser of two evils. The two weeks of Political Conventions are drawing to a close and we now know one thing for certain. We know this november it will be Hillary Clinton against donald trump. And let me tell you, the polls show that many of us have already chosen the outcome we really want. See, we want neither. Both clinton and trump have historically low approval ratings. In fact, 52 of Trump Supporters say theyre only voting for him because they dont want hillary to win. And i dont blame them for that soft support. Donald trump is a hard man to stand behind. Meanwhile, 56 of hillary supporters say they just dont want donald trump to win. Hillarys critics see her as untrustworthy, selfish, and too willing to bend the rules. laughter meanwhile, Donald Trumps critics say hes prejudiced, unprepared, and has the wrong temperament for a president. laughter think about it. Its not like anyones going to change their minds about these two. Both candidates are already decadesold brands. If you dont like wonder bread, youre not going to like president wonder bread. The same goes for the new mcdonalds angry meal. And, lets face it lets face it. cheers and applause both candidates know it. Thats why this is expected to be the most negative campaign in american history. Hillary clinton will say things that make trump seem racist, an laughter trump, trump will attack hillarys integrity. laughter now, this negativity could likely turn away voters from the polls, but there is another option. cheers and applause since Many Americans since Many Americans cant bring themselves to vote for a candidate, this year, i say, we should change the system. So on election day, you can vote against the candidate you dont want. Then at the end of election day, we just count all the against votes, and the candidate with the lowest score becomes president. It makes voting like golf. laughter cheers and applause but, for some reason but, if on the outside chance they do not institute my plan, no matter how you feel about the candidates, please, you still have to go to the polls on election day. Yes, you might have to vote for a person you dont really want, but its better than getting the person you really dont want. And thats the werd. Well be right back. cheers and applause fired grill salads. Topped with freshly, house made dressings and savory wood fired favorites. Starting at 8. 99. Applebees new wood fired grill salads starting at 8. 99 for a limited time. Only at applebees for our best Friends Family get tevent s. Thursday through sunday take an extra 20 off any way you pay plus, yes2you rewards members earn triple points. Plus, everyone gets kohls cash too. Nothing but the best savings. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. Now were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. It wont let you down. Nexium 24hfor their own 1 choice of docfrequent heartburn. S for complete protection all day and night make nexium 24hr your 1 choice. Is this my car . Ck. State farm knows that for every one of those moments. What . This is ridiculous theres one of these. Sam, i gotta go. Is this my car . What . This is ridiculous this cant be happening this cant be happening oh, its happening sweetheart. Oh, its happening sweetheart. Shut up shut up thats why state farm is there, what a day. With car insurance, for when things go wrong. But also here with car loans, to help life go right. State farm. What a day intrthe only lemon lime soda with a twist of real juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. Insist on the twist. This is the part of the show where i normally introduce a musical act. Well, i have a great one for you tonight me take it away, me stephen oh, hi i didnt see you there. Im down in philadelphia for the Democratic National convention, to see if the bernie bros put down the patchouli pipe to get in line behind Hillary Clinton. Hard to imagine they will now, though, what with the wikileaks d. N. C. Emails. Still, while im in philly, thought id get myself a cheese steak. I found this one on the ground a couple of hours ago. Its hard to tell if the meats gone bad, what with all the cheese. Ah, im sure its fine. Welcome everyone to the d. N. C. A dimension of sight, sound and hillary you may have felt the bern but now its time to learn she is your destiny lets go to the d. N. C. Where they love diversity from transorganic farmers to muslims who eat brie see big celebrities bern huggers groping trees recumbent bikes and subarus owned by l. G. B. T. S death, taxes and Hillary Hillary theres bernie in a suit he bought at the dollar store confetti made of emails staffers shred the night before liz warren disses well omalley is a dilf phils on a leash joe smokes hasheesh michelle can play jazz herself death, taxes and Hillary Hillary in the city of brotherly love the Wells Fargo Arena will soon be filled with dreamers and people smoking blunts shouting legalize the greena its cheesecake jamboree where your mind can be set free miss power girl will change the world if her donors all agree death, taxes and Hillary Hillary the party of the donkey is about to get funky join me brothers, sisters or corporate sponsors however you identify welcome to your journey so throw your hands in the air and wave them like you care you must rejoice there is no choice she is your destiny death, taxes and hillary death, taxes and hillary death, taxes and hillary death, taxes and hillary and tim kaine cheers and applause stephen what . Stephen that was me and the band. Thank you, everybody. That was beautiful. You can download death, taxes, hillary from itunes right now. Well be right back. Codogs just wont quit. neither does frontline. Introducing new frontline gold. With its new easy applicator frontline gold delivers powerful protection that doesnt quit for a full 30 days. Its new triple action formula is relentless at killing fleas and ticks. Frontline gold. The latest innovation from the maker of frontline plus. For persistent protection you can trust. Good boy go for the gold. New frontline gold. Available at your vet. I want to thank my staff, my band, miew crew, and everybody in the audience for making these shows possible. You are amazing. Thank you, good night. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org. Day 2 of the finalist major of the year. And it was a