Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160602

Does tom know hes out of the film . Tonight, stephen welcomes dakota johnson. Sebastian stan. And a musical performance by lukas nelson and promise of the real. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen thank you welcome to the late show, everybody. Good to see you. Hello down here. Hello, you there. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. So pleased to be here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And i dont know if you all got up early to watch this morning, but the tony awards were announced and i love my musicals. They are the only place you can see people break into song for no reason outside of a Carly Fiorina speech. laughter the frontrunner, of course, is hamilton, which got a record 16 tony nominations. Hopefully, this will help them sell some tickets. How many of you are here tonight because you couldnt get into hamilton . applause ill start. Ill start. Jon i like hamilton. Stephen them, too. Upon hearing that hamilton was the inevitable winner of the tonys, ted cruz announced i am running for a tony. laughter applause cheers i think if hamilton were alive today, hed say, why are there so many states . What are these horseless carriages . My god, people are so tall now all right, thats enough tonys. Lets get to some real news i. Love. Fashion cheers and applause because last night was Anna Wintours annual met gala at the metropolitan museum of art. The met gala is like rich people halloween. laughter everyone dresses up, and instead of candy, you get to take home a monet. This year the met gala was sponsored by apple, and the theme was fashion in the age of technology. So there was lots of silver and mirrors, zayn malick from one direction had robot arms, and madonna had a bare ass. Lord knows what Technology Goes into maintaining that. laughter but best of all i. Was. Invited cheers and applause my wife, evie, looked amazing in zac posen, and i slayed the red carpet in hugo boss black tie and gap tighty whities. laughter and we entered the party right behind the beautiful claire danes, who wore i think the most stunning dress of the night, a zac posen gown made from custom fiber optic woven into organza. It literally glowed. The inspiration for the dress evidently was to make it easier for her uber driver to find her after the party. And of course, the gentlemen do the fashion you do the fashion, jon. Jon i love the fashion. Stephen the gentlemen did the fashion last night. Kanye went very high tech by staying up all night with a bedazzler, evidently. Oh, this is a good one Karolina Kurkova wore a dress that was codesigned by i. B. M. s watson, connected to social media, and covered with lightup flowers whose colors changed according to peoples tweets. So all night, the dress was mostly the color of people who are furious about the ghostbusters reboot. And another big showstopper last night beyonce, who wore a rubber dress that was beaded, for her pleasure. laughter and applause its important. And beyonces sister solange was there, radiant in a dress that just screamed i am going to punch jayz in the face. laughter it was another reason to wear the rubber because you can just hose it off. Jon oh, my goodness. Stephen and it was one of the most hey, i didnt make it up. It was one of the most opulent and glamorous nights imaginable. It made the oscars red carpet look like afterwork drinks at p. F. Changs. Now, one thing about the met gala is that you are not supposed to take pictures once youre inside and hushhush, sweet charlotte about what we do. So i will honor that code, because i want to go back next year. All i can say is that for cocktail hour, we may have all ridden iridescent crystal drone butterflies. Dinner might have been hummingbirds that fly directly into your mouth, and at the stroke of midnight, we all put on wolf masks and dove into the flesh pit. You have to time that right. You dont want to be first into the flesh pit. You have to wait until a froth builds up. Anyway you know that . You dont want to be the first one. Everybody falls on top of you. Jon thats right. Stephen it was a beautiful evening. It in no way was diminished by the nagging feeling that at any moment the 99 were going to crash in and line us all up against the wall, because as i faced my death at the hands of the firing squad, i know id be thinking, it was all worth it because i met demi lovato. But in our defense, the met gala is all for charity. And i hope they raised enough money so mr. Met can finally get the cranial surgery he so desperately needs. cheers and applause now, let us turn let us turn, ladies and gentlemen, to the most fashionable guy i know. Mr. Jon batiste and stay human. Say hi to the band. Stephen hey cheers and applause thats a new routine were working on. Its musical chairs. Theres one person and one chair. I always win. Today, of course, is the important indiana primary. And because we tape early, i dont know who won yet, but i do know it was do or die for senator ted cruz. And judging by this picture, im going to say he died about a week ago. This this this is road to the white house. I want it, mommy. I dont care, mommy. Stephen of course, ted cruz has been focusing on the indiana primary for weeks now. He has really put all of his eggs in this basket. And i want to be perfectly clear his eggs is a common expression. Im not saying that he is a reptile who reproduces through hatchlings. But he trails donald trump in the polls, and trump is not letting off the gas heat. Just listen to how he went after ted cruzs father in a phone interview this morning. You know, his father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to oswalds being you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. I mean, they dont even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it. What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death, before the shooting . Its horrible. Crazy. Stephen this is horrible. And not just for cruz. Oliver stone is kicking himself for not thinking of this. Trump is basing this attack on a grainy photo of a guy who kind of looks like ted cruzs dad standing near Lee Harvey Oswald that was published in the national enquirer. Yeah, yeah. And cruz got even more bad news when the weekly world news broke the story that the secretary of state would be bat boy. laughter and while we can all agree ted cruzs dad clearly highfived Lee Harvey Oswald right before he handed mama cass that ham sandwich, what about the rest of ted cruzs family . I heard that just before the titanic sunk, someone spotted ted cruzs grandfather lovingly stroking the iceberg. laughter and his greatgrandmother was seen playing with the lindbergh baby at the triangle shirtwaist factory just hours before archduke ferdinand was shot by ted cruzs father after he dressed as a cow and kicked over the lantern that started the chicago fire. cheers and applause all true. Nobody talks about it nobody talks about it but, of course, senator ted cruz did not take this attack lying down. He fired back at trump standing up. This morning, donald trump went on National Television and attacked my father. Donald trump alleges that my dad was involved in assassinating j. F. K. But donald is a bully. Every one of us knew bullies in elementary school. Bullies dont come from strength. Bullies come from weakness. Bullies come from a deep, yawning cavern of insecurity. Stephen yes, cruz is right. Trump is a bully. And if there is one thing that stops a bully, it is telling on them. laughter applause but ted didnt just call him a bully. He called him a specific bully. If anyone has seen the movie back to the future 2, the screenwriter says that he based the character biff tannon on donald trump. We are looking potentially at the biff tannon presidency. laughter applause stephen yes, with donald trump we are looking at a potential biff tannon presidency. And if thats true, that means theres still a chance ted cruz could fix the flux capacitor to go back in time and stop his dad from shooting j. F. K. do the right thing, ted do the right thing applause the point is, this guy is a fighter. Just listen to this Testy Exchange he got into with a trump voter in indiana. What do you like about donald . Everything. Give me one. Everything. Pick anything. The wall. Okay the wall. Thats the main thing. Immigration. Hold on a second. Now, do you know on the wall that donald told the New York Times Editorial Board hes not going to build a wall. Hes not going to deport anyone. Youre lyin. Once again, lyin ted laughter stephen wow. Ted cruz may have been on the princeton debate team, but he just got stomped by the indiana hollering squad. laughter applause it is that stings. It is a tough moment for senator cruz. He cant beat trump. He cant even win an argument against trumps future press secretary. But bravely, bravely, ted cruzed on. Sir, america is a better country without you. Thank you for those kind sentiments. Let me point out, ive treated you respectfully the entire time. And a question that everyone here should ask are you canadian . Do you want your are you canadian . laughter applause stephen its a fair question are you canadian . A lot of people are thinking of becoming canadian around november 9. Well be right back with dakota johnson. Dad, you can just drop me off right here. Oh no, ill take you up to the front of the school. Thats where your friends are. Seriously, its, its really fine. You dont want to be seen with your dad . No, its. No. This about a boy . Dad stop, please. Oh, theres tracy. What [ horn honking ] [ forward collision warning ] [ car braking ] bye dad it brakes when you dont. Forward collision warning and autonomous emergency braking. Available on the redesigned passat. From volkswagen. Tmobile does data, differently. While the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use, now, tmobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services. Free without using one bit of your lte data. Plus, you can roll your unused data forward. Nobody does data like tmobile. Switch today and get three lines for just 40 bucks each and your 4th line is free. Intrthe only lemon lime soda with a twist of real juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. Insist on the twist. Padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. Helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. Advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. Im my bargain detergent, ithift couldnt keep up. Ter. So i switched to tide pods. Theyre super concentrated. So i get a better clean. Voted 2016 product of the year. If its got to be clean, its got to be tide. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a talented actor who is known for her roles in the social network, 21 jump street, and fifty shades of grey. Her new film is a bigger splash. You want some advice . Why, because im a girl . No, you should definitely go to detroit, whatever moves you. Just dont do it the harry way. Just lay low, keep your mouth shut. You know, dont take a camera. Go emptyhanded. Seriously. Youll humiliate yourself any other way. Trust me, i know everything about it. All right, im not afraid of that. Do you want some . No, i dont smoke. It doesnt mean you dont want some. Yes, it does. Stephen please welcome dakota johnson. band playing cheers and applause stephen nice to see you again. Nice to see you. Stephen we first met last night at the met gala. At the meat ball. Stephen at the meat ball. Look at you. There you are in a beautiful dress. applause what are you wearing there . Im wearing gucci. Stephen gucci, very nice. Yeah. Stephen very nice. You wore it well. And we met right at the end, it was late. It was, like, 1 00 in the morning or Something Like that when we left. No, it wasnt. I dont stay out that late. Stephen and when we met outside, i said, ill see you tomorrow night. And you mentioned Something Like, could we could we drink during the interview . And i said, sure, but it has to be real liquor basis dont drink fake liquor. And you said fine. And i said, what do you want to drink . And you said. Tequila. Stephen right. And i said, oh, bleep . Really . Tequila . And my wife said baby, no, please dont drink tequila. laughter cheers and applause yeah. Stephen shes not here right now. Thats a lot. Stephen thats a lot of tequila. Thats a lot of tequila. All right. Hold on. Ill take some of yours. There we go. Okay, ready . Cheers. Cheers. cheers and applause mmm. Do you want my lime, too . Stephen sure. Mmm. Now, what to talk about . What to talk about . That was great. Stephen did you have a good time last night . I did. It was it was pretty crazy. Stephen so fancy. Its so fancy. Yeah. Its so fancy. And there were so many flowers. Stephen everything was built. They had, like, huge things built out of roses, and they were real roses. Yeah. For some reason i thought this year they wouldnt use that many flowers because of, like, you know, technology. laughter . Stephen oh, because theyre antithetical to mechanical things or technological things. Yeah, well they could have, instead of actually using all the flowers, they could have done, like, fake flowers. Stephen technological flowers, made out of computer chips or Something Like that . Yeah. Stephen you should plan it next year. Thats a great idea. You should email anna wintour about that. Stephen ill just call her. Shes on speed dial. Anna wintour and i talk all the time. About my fashion all the time. I should have known. Stephen the new movie is called a bigger splash. And as we learned earlier on in tonights show, its a gripping, erotic drama. Uhhuh. Stephen and its got an incredible cast. The people in it here we go. Heres you right here. Ralph fiennes. Tilda swinton. And who is this very handsome gentlemen right here . Matthias schoenaerts. Stephen and is he as handsome in person as he looks in this photograph . Yes. Stephen very sexy. snorts laughter applause oh, god. cheers and applause no, no yeah, okay. Stephen there you go, all right. Oh, god. Cheers. cheers and applause stephen by the way, what time did you go to bed last night . laughter have you been to bed yet . Because i went to bed at 3 30 last night. Did you really . Stephen yeah, yeah. No, i was fully in bed before that. Stephen really, you didnt go to the after parties or anything like that . Well, i did, but i was so hungry, and i guess also everyone was hungry. I dont know what happened. Youre supposed to eat at the met, but then i went to pee stephen the humming birds fly right into your mouth. You went to pee . I went to go pee, and i came back and my lambchop was gone. laughter . Stephen that sounds like the opening of a very questionable Country Music song. laughter this is what the night was like for me. I went into the mens room, and it was full of men in the mens room, and there was a woman in there smoking in a ball gown. She said, hello, mr. Colbert. I hope you dont mind if i smoke in here. I said im in the great gatsby right now or something. Its heaven. Stephen no, its not heaven. You dont want to go to the bathroom next to a Woman Holding something, you know, burning. laughter you dont want any of that. All of this is going to be cut out. Cbs will not let any of this on tv. All right, so you shot this you shot this tequila is kicking in at this point. laughter you shot this movie on an island in italy called pentelaraia. Pentelaraia, that sounded like a disease. Stephen pentelaraia . Im afraid you have pentelaraia. Pants. Stephen a disease of the pants. You have a disease of the pants. Lets get those off before it spreads to your shirt. Heyoh stephen was it fun . You get look, youre with hold on. Youre with all the sexy people here. Yeah. Stephen and youre on this island. Was it fun to be on an island . Was it at all like being on vacation . Did you get to enjoy it . It was enjoyable. It was hot. It was there was we were on an island. There was, you know, water surrounding it. laughter . Stephen you sound like youre really hiding a secret right now. No, no. Stephen it was fine. It was someplace on the planet. I cant tell you where it is. Is it in italy . Yes, its off the coast of italy between sicily and tunisia. So, what happened its beautiful. And the island was mostly made up of volcanic rock. So its not very soft and cozy. Its somewhere stephen did they make you sleep on the rock . I dont understand. Why does the rock have to be soft and cozy . There are no beaches. So if you want to go into the beaches you have to wear water shoes and like rock climb down into the water but then the water is full of jellyfish. So figure that one out. Stephen this sounds like a prison. Yeah. laughter no, but its actually quite beautiful. And then once you get used to you just kind of swim away from them. Stephen theyre not that fast, the jellyfish. Mmm . No, they can get they can get you. Stephen they can get you, but by accident. They cant chase you. If you cant outswim a jellyfish you really shouldnt be swimming. Probably not. Stephen can i ask you about Tilda Swinton . Yeah. Stephen she spooks me a little bit. Does she . Stephen shes such a talented actress, i love her as an actress, but shes a little spooky. You meet her and think she might speak some sort of alien jargon, or something, right . Stephen right, yeah, she does seem otherworldly. Shes not like that. Stephen what is she like . Shes the most maternal and love shes full of love and information. laughter stephen you right now you sound like an alien. laughter you know, mothers. She is maternal. Full of information. And the milkbearing teat. Now im crying, look. Stephen youre crying. Would you like here, have that. A snot rag . Stephen thats unused by anyone right there. Do you want some more tequila . Sure. Stephen do you want some . cheers and applause this is i am here to say and i can say this with confidence this is a terrible idea. This is out of control. Its only because. cheers and applause stephen good lord. Good lord. Huh. I dont want to seem like a wimp, but i also have a 5 30 a. M. Pickup tomorrow in canada. Stephen someone is picking you up at 5 30 in canada tomorrow . You know youre in new york right now, right . Youre not in canada. Youre not in canada. Someone told you that. This is not the c. B. C. Wait a minute stephen now hold on im in new york. Stephen yeah, im supposed to be in toronto. Im supposed to be in vancouver. Its farther than toronto. Stephen youre supposed to be in vancouver at 5 30 tomorrow . You have to leave now i know, what do i do . Stephen do you literally leave here and get on a plane and go . Yeah. Stephen wow. See ya stephen what are you going to do in vancouver . Im filming a movie. Stephen whats the movie, darling . Im filming two movies. Stephen okay, what is it . 50 shades darker and 50 shades freed. Stephen youre shooting both of them at the same time . Yes. Stephen how do you unwind at the end of a day of 12 hours of simulated sadomasochism . What do you do to like shake it off at the end of the day . I fly to new york city and do shots of tequila with you. Stephen well, youre welcome back any time. Thanks. Stephen the safe word is pumpkin patch. Okay. Stephen dakota, thank you so much for being here. A bigger splash opens friday, may 13. Dakota johnson, everybody. Well be right back. Thisproof of less joint pain and clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. Humira is the number 1 prescribed biologic for Psoriatic Arthritis. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira. Whats your body of proof . Take on the unexpected with a car that could stop for you. Nissan safety shield technologies, available in the altima, sentra and maxima. See, we can agree. Reat. Honey, its called a barber shop quartet. No finally, something the whole family can agree on. Oscar mayer deli fresh ham made with pure honey for a taste everyone will love. Poallergies . Reather. Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. He could install your ceiling fan. Ce said he couldnt. And that one time ron said another chili dog was a good idea. Yeah, it wasnt. So when ron said youd never afford a john deere tractor, you knew better. Now ron does too. The e series. Legendary john deere quality. Unexpected low price. E series compact tractors come with an industrybest, sixyear, nocost powertrain warranty. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Let me just begin by welping laughter cheers and applause what im trying to say is i want to welcome everyone who has just joined the show and is not aware that i just did three shots of tequila with dakota johnson. And i want to assure you that that was a bottle of tequila that George Clooney gave me on the very first night of this show seven months ago. applause and i just did not know it would ever come in this handy. laughter and, also, i want to say i have no idea what the rest of the show is going to be like. laughter because off the rails is the phrase that comes to mind. But you know what . Lets do our best. As i proved earlier in the show tonight, the 2016 president ial election has been full of twists and turns and excitement, and also john kasich. laughter things are looking bleak for the ohio governor. Not only is he trailing donald trump and ted cruz in the delegate count. Hes still behind marco rubio. Who dropped out of the race five weeks ago its like the old saying, quitters never win, but they still beat john kasich. But instead of giving up, kasichs superpac recently unveiled the most optimistic ad ive ever seen. And i just want to stress to everyone out there that what you are about to see is an actual ad. And the g. O. P. Nomination for president goes to john kasich. What a long, fascinating trip its been. How did it go from the final three to the one the establishment didnt think could win . Well, running for president isnt about the establishment. In the final hours, it came down to 1,237 brave americans delegates you, who overcame tremendous personal pressure and did the right thing. They nominated the only candidate who could win the only election that mattered, the candidate who was president ial, john kasich. Stephen yes, a commercial showing john kasich winning the g. O. P. Nomination. As long as theyre fantasizing, they should have made his Vice President that pizza that comes in a box made of pizza. Youd get the youth vote and the stoner vote. And i say why stop at the nomination . I can imagine an ad thats even more optimistic. In fact, i already have. President john kasich. What a long, strange trip its been. How did he go from third place in the 2016 republican primary to the most successful fiveterm president in American History . Through charisma that can only be gained by years of eating deli meat. And after barack obama resigned early to make way for president kasich, he balanced the budget, defeated isis, and repelled the spiderbeasts from space. Then, with only three seconds left, he threw the winning pass in the super bowl, a pass caught by john kasich. He won the oscar for best supporting actor, and was crowned pope. So dont listen to the establishment who say john kasich has no chance of becoming president. They were the first to be devoured by the spider king zanthon. Paid for by spiderbeasts for kasich. Hail zanthon cheers and applause stephen now, we made some of that up. laughter and well be right back with Sebastian Stan. You slurped it as a kid. Youll love it as a grown up. Its time for a spaghettogether only at olive garden. Enjoy a new deep dish spaghetti pie topped with chicken alfredo a new spaghetti infused with flavor. Or, create your own with your choice of 5 homemade sauces. Starting at 12. 99 with unlimited salad and breadsticks. Why not give them a twirl . Lets make spaghetti fun again. Olive garden. Were all family here. Every day, brian drives carefully to work. And every day brian drives carefully to work, there are rate suckers. Hes been paying more for Car Insurance because of their bad driving for so long, he doesnt even notice them anymore. But one day brian gets snapshot from progressive. Now brian has a rate based on his driving, not theirs. Get snapshot and see just how much your good driving could save you. Muddling through your morning is nothing new. Your nose is the only thing on your mind. And to get relief, anything is fair game. Introducing rhinocort® allergy spray from the makers of zyrtec®. Powerful relief from your most frustrating nasal allergy symptom ,all day and all night. Hasnt your nose been through enough already . Try new rhinocort® allergy spray. Muddle no more® to show your roots. With root touch up from nicen easy it blends with leading shades, even salon shades. In just 10 minutes. So pick your shade. And show the world your roots. With root touchup. Stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my next guest tonight as bucky barnes, the winter soldier, in the new blockbuster captain America Civil War. fighting noises stephen please welcome, Sebastian Stan band playing cheers and applause stephen please, have a seat. I see that shield up there. I might have to take that. Stephen you saw that . I have the captain america shield, right up there. That was the original captain america shield sent to me by marvel. Thats the real deal, baby doll. Even more reason why i should have it. Stephen exactly. Really . Do you enjoy the marvel universe . Do you enjoy being part of it . Well, i dont know how much of a choice i have. Stephen theyve got you now . Is it like joining a cult . They do. Well, you know, the first rule of marvel is you dont talk about marvel, except tonight. Stephen im so excited for this movie. The reviews already are incredible. You cant tell us anything, can you, or else like a laser dot will show up on your forehead. The problem with marvel is you know, i sort of feel like im in that movie the game by David Fincher with michael douglas. I always think its like a big game that one of these days theyre just going to like tell me its not real and its all just been a big joke thats been played on me. Stephen that you werent actually cast as Buckey Barnes . That chris evans doesnt have my phone number and i might see Anthony Mackie on the street one day and be like, hey, man. And he might look at me and go, what you talking about, fool . I dont know you. laughter stephen hes my guest tomorrow night. Anthony mackie is my guest tomorrow night. Or as i know him, chocolate chino. Stephen sorry, what . Let me right this down. What is his name . Chocolate chino . Hes chocolate chino and im vanilla ice. laughter stephen do you guys actually hang out . Yeah, because im sexy sea bass and hes mack attack. Stephen im sorry sexy sea bass . Right. Thats the name that he gave me, by the way. Stephen and he is what . The mack attack. Stephen the mack attack. But also the chocolate chino, he prefers that. Stephen okay. He prefers the chocolate chino. Listen, were trying to redo 48 hours. Were going to walk up to walter hills household and just get at his door and see what he thinks. I would, obviously, be nick nolte. Stephen i guess so. Well, yeah, because stephen i dont know what your range is. You possibly could play you could play eddie murphy. My range of anxiety is pretty good. Youll see. Stephen you know, you are not only you have you and i have one other thing in common thats not just marvel. We also both love space. Space stuff. Stephen because you talked to scott kelley last year. I did, yeah. Stephen isnt it an incredible experience to talk to somebody on the International Space station live . Its incredible to talk to someone on the International Space station live, especially when theyre bopping up and down, and they give you an analysis of your filmography. Stephen your what . He actually went through the movies that i was in, and he was like, that movie. Not so good. laughter as hes basically doing this to me the whole time. Stephen an astronaut criticized your movies . Well, why not . At least thats a real superhero, right . Stephen it is. They actually have powers. cheers and applause . They do. Stephen they have powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. You and i, i feel like you would go to mars. You would be one of the few obviously you know about stephen i love it. You know, when i decided to be like, this, you know, an entertainment person, i actually had to look hard in the mirror and go, okay, youll never go to space now. Because they dont want clowns in space. Right, right. Stephen is there any use for a clown in space . Well, humor is important, listen, in space. Stephen right before you guys on the mars colony go cannibals. Right, right. Stephen would you go to space . Why not . Stephen it does scare me a little bit. Because, you know, its dangerous. Its not built for us up there. We evolved where there was oxygen and water. Its not. And you keep telling yourself the view is the main reason you would go but after about 10 seconds im not sure how great it would be. Stephen you would go, i can see this on the internet. What am i doing up here . You know who i ran into last night at the met gala . It look like a Wonderful Group of people. Stephen elon musk was there. Oh, really. I heard that. Stephen and i ran up to him and i said congratulations on landing the falcon rocket on the thing at sea. When are we going to mars . What did he say . Stephen he says were going to be there in 2018, theyre going to put the dragon capsules on mars. I said what are you going to send up, like water and doritos . What are you going to do . You know, i remember when they were saying in 2007 we were going to land on mars and they were going to do terraforming, they would put large football fields surrounding mars to warm it up so the ice caps would melt and turn it into earth. Stephen what do large football fields do . Oh, mirrors. Mirror football fields surrounding mars. Stephen i had elon musk on the show sitting right there and he said the way to do it was to set off Nuclear Bombs on the martian ice caps to release all the water into the atmosphere. Something probably donald trump would say, i feel like. cheers and applause . Stephen yes. Yeah, lets warm up mars. You and i should go. We should go. Stephen that would be fun. That would be fun. Oh, god. Stephen you know what would be fun . When the mars colony fails, which one of our names is first in the story . Like, i think it would be you because movies are more important than tv. I think they would list your name first and all the people who died in the mars colony. Yeah, that may be. Stephen movies are more important than tv, right . Well, im not sure what the difference is these days to be honest. I feel like we keep repeating movies the same way we want to revisit the characters the same way we see them on tv. Marvel, in a sense, it is kind of like a tv show when you look at it, right. Every few years the characters evolve, just the same way as they do on tv. Isnt that similar . Stephen i dont know if its the tequila but youre blowing my mind right now. laughter i know, youre taking shots with the 50 shades of grey kid. Stephen do you want some tequila . Lets do it. cheers and applause stephen as bad of an idea as it was 10 minute ago, this is, like, a careerender right now. Listen. Stephen cheers were all trying to stay alive. Stephen we are. Captain America Civil War is in theaters this friday. Sebastian stan, everybody. Oh say, can you see freeze this is a bust. Hands behind your back, mr. Choreographer. In massachusetts, its illegal to dance to the national anthem. Strawberry flavor, oh say can you tea. Make time for snapple. Nice to meet you today were going to talk about the allnew 2016 chevy cruze, but heres the catch. Youre only going to answer me in emojis. So, this cruze has builtin 4g lte wifi® with 24 gigs of data. Wow. message sent sfx strong it also comes with 24 months of siriusxm satellite radio. message sent sfx like, word, chevy. Thats the way to go. Pick the one emoji that sums up the car. A crystal ball. I can see the future. That was deep. Create your own seafood trios you can try something new with every bite. Pick 3 of 9 allnew creations for 15. 99. Like baked lobster alfredo chimichurri shrimp and crab cakes bursting with crab meat. Just hurry in before it ends. The new chase freedom unlimited card earns you unlimited 1. 5 cash back on everything you buy. Thats 1. 5 cash back on whatever these billboards are selling. What are they selling . The products not so subtly placed in this movie 1. 5 cash back. Shhhh all the stuff promoted in your social feed 1. 5 cash back. The cash back is unlimited and you can spend it on anything. Like, whatever the next ad is selling. Get the new chase freedom unlimited card. Ugh, celebrity endorsements are the worst. Ifor all the wrong reasons. Gical you may be muddling through allergies. Try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec® is different than claritin®. Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec®. Muddle no more®. band playing igoing to clean betteran electthan a manual. Was he said sure. But dont get just any one. Get one inspired by dentists, with a round brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head cups your teeth to break up plaque and rotates to sweep it away. And oralb delivers a clinically proven superior clean versus sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels super clean oralb. Know youre getting a superior clean. Im never going back to a manual brush. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. Exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. Thompsons waterseal stain and sealer. Available at national retailers. knocks on door anie, were like honey . H. Im dying my hair mom. Hair dye . Its just purple. Teenage daughter . Get scrubbing bubbles. Kill 99. 9 of germs and destroy grime. With scrubbing bubbles for 100 problem solved. Inspired by a true stella brewery closed, auction sale. I am sebastian artois. Brewmaster. Risktaker. Wake up sebastian i sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. So, what do you want to be remembered for . Stella artois be legacy stephen here now performing their title track, Something Real, please welcome lukas nelson and promise of the real i got so damned tired of pleasing everybody and i really started reeling it in too little love too many memories cause youre just like me youre just a name in a picture frame i wanna see you get mad i wanna feel like youre crying for me give me Something Real babe give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe i got so damned tired of pleasing everybody and i really started reeling it in too little love too many memories cause youre just like me youre just a name in a picture frame i wanna see you get mad i wanna feel like youre crying for me give me Something Real babe give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to i wanna see you get mad i wanna feel like youre crying for me give me Something Real babe give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe im begging you to give me Something Real babe all right all right all right give me Something Real babe all right all right all right cheers and applause stephen all right their album, Something Real, is available now lukas nelson and promise of the real well be right back. Stephen good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org knocking james go away. Reggie hey, man. Hows it going . You ready for the show . I guess were about to go on and usually youre out there. James i cant i cant do it. Reggie what . James i cant go back out there. I cant do it. Last night, we were in primetime