Transcripts For KTNV Jimmy Kimmel Live 20160820

Studio audience are now aware is a dirty place. [ laughter ] pollution, cars and trucks, unclean superheroes roaming. We have hooters. Its disgusting. So yet even with all that unpleasantness, this hellhole we call hollywood is as fresh and crisp as the swiss alps compared to Rio De Janeiro right now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i have not been there but ive been led to believe the air is unsafe to breathe and the water has just a hint of raw sewage. They say theres so much bacteria in the water its hard to tell if theyre hosting the olympics or a season of bachelor in paradise. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy on top of that you have the crime and the zika virus. These athletes should get a medal for making it back on the plane home. I mean, really. Ill tell you something, i miss the 80s when rio would dance upon the sand. Just like the river twisting i love the olympics. I like to watch it. Also every four years i find out about a new place i dont ever want to go. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i have an important announcement for those traveling to rio or anywhere in the near future. The tsa is reminding passengers that batterrangs are not allowed on planes. If you dont know, these are batterangs. Account. Apparently so many people have been trying to take this on the plane the tsa felt compelled to speak out. There are more than a dozen photos of confiscated batterangs on the tsa account. Which is a very sexy account by the way. I dont know if they confiscated them from passengers on their way to comiccon or what. If you have a batterang, leave it at home with your mother, okay . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy if i got stuck in a batterang on the plane. I might have to use one of my collectible penguin umbrellas in his ass. I say the lines at the airport are already long enough. As your future Vice President , i dont just talk, i plan to do something. [ cheers and applause ] my podium, podiumbringers. My fellow americans. Summertime is a time when many many of you are on vacation right now. Many you are on trips with your terrible children. And its difficult enough. These long lines at the airport, i dont know about you, but i dont like waiting in line. Do you like waiting in lines . [ audience no ] jimmy sorry we made you wait in a line to get in. If theres one thing americans can agree on we hate to wait in line. Thats why when i am elected i will propose all airport transformed into lazy rivers. Thats right. [ cheers and applause ] when i am Vice President , instead of standing in line carrying your stuff, youll get in a tube, youll get a beer, and you and your luggage will float right through security. [ cheers and applause ] and yes, we will still have to take our shoes off. But now we will get to take our pants off too. [ cheers and a not only is it a huge boost for morale, it will keep us safe. Have you ever seen a terrorist in a lazy river . I havent. A lazy river at the airport would allow us to do both of the things we love to do most. Being lazy, and peeing in a public place. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] as your Vice President , i will make that happen for you. Thank you [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Guillermo thats a great idea. Jimmy you like that . And he cant even swim. Hes willing to drown for this idea. You know, this is interesting and important to keep in mind when you are traveling. The odds of getting killed in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million. The odds of being killed in a car are 1 in 5,000. Its much more dangerous. Part of the reason is that most people driving cars and trucks arent professional drivers like Airline Pilots are. Some of the people on the road arent even people. A break when she noticed a car in this space started moving slowly toward her. As the car inched closer, she assumed the driver maybe was somebody she knew who was messing with her. Until she saw this face in the drivers seat. The car crashed into the front of the building. The employee says a second dog in the passenger seat then pushed the car window down. Dogs can be your best friends. In this situation they can be your enemy too. Jimmy wow. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i think weve found so true, dogs can be your enemies. I had a parakeet once tried to kill me with a steak knife. Speaking of vehicles careening out of control, according to multiple reports Donald Trumps Campaign Staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I dont blame him, who could have ever guessed he would do Something Like this . Hes usually so lowkey. [ laughter ] ordinarily after a candi he or she tries to pivot to the center to attract undecided voters. But this week alone, trump insulted the parents of a fallen soldier, he called Hillary Clinton the devil, and he kicked a baby out of a support rally. I havent seen anything like this since charlie sheens violent torpedo of truth tour. [ cheers and applause ] not only is he attacking here and there. Hes even picking fights with senator john mccain, refused to endorse speaker of the house paul ryan in their upcoming primaries. Even though both of them endorsed him. Theres so much infighting. Its like the real housewives of orange face county. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the head of the Republican National committee, reince priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was reince priebus. [ laughter ] meanwhile, Antonio Sabato jr. , who spok National Convention to endorse donald trump, claims that ever since that day, hes been blacklisted by hollywood. Of course antonios best known for finishing eighth place on dancing with the stars. But now he says the liberals who run show business dont want to work with him. I guess were supposed to believe that before the speech, the offers were pouring in . [ laughter ] how can you get blacklisted from something that didnt even have you listed in the first place . The last project i have ever was in was the three stooges movie. And in that movie, this is not a joke, put that up on the screen. He played handsome guy number one. They didnt even give him a name. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now the work has dried up, i guess. Ill tell you something. Hes still handsome and hes still number one, nobody can take that away from him. Hillary clinton is still running for president which is easy to forget in the middle of this giant trumpapalooza. Clint supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a Cyber Security convention in las vegas, which is all the proceeds will go toward teaching hillary how to use her email account. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] Hillary Clinton and donald trump have very different views on just about everything. Its a polarizing election. And they have almost no common ground. But i always wonder whether people are really paying attention to the issues or not. So for the most part, i think it doesnt matter what a candidate says, it matters to people which candidate says it. Hillary if they agreed with some things hillary said. But the quotes, the things we asked about, were not from hillary, they were quotes from donald trump. But will these democrats agree with Hillary Donald trump . Lets find out. What did you think when Hillary Clinton said, i see improved relations with russia from a position of strength only is possible. I agree with hillary. Hillary clinton said, immigration is a privilege and we should not let anyone into this country who doesnt support our communities, all of our communities. Well, i virtually have to agree with that. Hillary said, in order to achieve the american dream, let people keep more money in their pockets and increase aftertax wages. Yes, okay. In order thats a great idea so that we can start to move everybody up and start moving people out of the level of poverty. Severe contrast to what donald trump is proposing . Absolutely. Many of her comments run in severe contrast to donald trump. What do you think of this quote from hillary. Theres nothing i love more than women but theyre really a lot different than portrayed, theyre far worse than men, far more aggressive, and boy can they be smart. I agree. Ive worked for 38 years at the hospital with women. Thats very accurate. You think thats a sharp contrast to her opponent . Absolutely. Hillary clinton said, i like the concept of local education, i want to get rid of common core, i think common disaster. Well im an educator. Im a schoolteacher. I think common core is a disaster too. What do you think of this hillary quote, i have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke. Never seen a thin person drinking diet coke . Well, let me tell you something. Diet coke does not make you thin. You would say get rid of common core, keep the diet coke . Keep the diet coke. What do you think of this Hillary Clinton quote . Well, ive heard that a lot from a lot of politicians. Its all about the timing, isnt it . No, hey, shes for us now, yay ill take that as a win. What do you think of this quote from Hillary Clinton, while bette midler is an extremely unattractive woman i refuse to say that because i always insist on being politically correct. I am sure she never said that. [ cheers and applause ] youre right. I cant make any guarantees, im sorry about that. Jimmy thats okay. That horrible woman, sues everyone. We have to take a break. When we come back, pokemon go is making a lot of trouble, and Britney Spears pulled a prank on me in the middle of the night, so stick around for a chance to see what i look like when i sleep, after this. [ cheers and applause ] [ tires screech ] flo [ ghost voice ] oooo [ laughs ] jaaaaamie, the name your price tool can show you Coverage Options to fit your budget. Tell me something i dont know oh ohhh she slimed me. Which i probably shouldve seen coming. [ laughs ] americans, i dont understand you. Always working on vacation. Always multitasking. [baby crying] always busy making something. But what has all this ambition ever gotten you . That youre the greatest nation in the world . Perfect for busy americans like us. [bark] do more, with the new galaxy note7. To win at the olympic games, Allyson Felix needs to be quicker than everybody. To win at home, she needs to be quicker than. Allyson chloe thats why Allyson Felix uses bounty. The quicker picker upper. Bounty is faster and 2x more absorbent. Bounty the quicker picker upper. [ school bell ringing ] one day, ms. Jenkins told us to make whatever we wanted with crayons. So we did but, the art room wasnt big enough. It only made sense to build a bigger school. And houses, offices, and a whole neighborhood. Turns out, you can do anything with crayons and here we have 1893, im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. Tmobiles coverage is unstoppable. Now get three countries for the price of one. Talk, text and surf in canada and mexico, just like the u. S. Calgary, cozumel, mexico city, montreal [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello and welcome back. Hugh grant, nicky glazer, music from Miranda Lambert is all on the way. First, this is a troubling sign of our digital time. According to a new study published by the archives of sexual behavior journal which i get at my house, millennials, born between 1980 and 1994, would rather go on the than have sex. Which going on the internet and having sex are two Different Things . I didnt realize that. Isnt that crazy . Imagine if we knew when we were teenagers one day there would be an invention that is better thats more interesting than sex. If the human race is going to survive, were going to have to invent a phone we can have sex with. Were going to have to start mating. [ cheers and applause ] i dont like to point fingers this obama go thing, its not letting up. Its not just kids playing it. This happened in washington, d. C. During an official state Department Press briefing. As the secretary said earlier today, though, and i think its an important reminder youre playing the pokemon thing right there arent you . Its an important reminder. We know this wont be easy, we recognize its a challenge. Were cleareyed about the work we still have to do. This is why we convene this continue to work with our Coalition Partners to defeat daesh. Did you get one . Sorry about that. Jimmy you know what, its really his fault for having a snarlaps on his shoulder. People playing pokemon go have caused a number of incidents and accidents which makes sense, people walking while looking down at their phones, of course something is going to happen. To raise awareness of this terrible plague, we collected a whole assortment of news stories cautionary pokemontage. Two teens shot while going on another mans property to play pokemon go. In oregon two brothers on the hunt found a loaded handgun. The game led to something much bigger, the body of a dead man. He kept right on playing even after he was stabbed. The app led players to a Halfway House for sex offenders. Men in california playing the game walked off a cliff. Two kids in the uk got stuck in a cave. The game led 15yearold autumn to cross a busy street in pittsburgh where she was hit by a car. Lane smith was at a poke stop when a copperhead bit him on the toe. Youre looking at a pokemon go player in bosnia. On his phone. Meters away from a sign warning of a minefield. Six people were playing a popular game when a man with a gun came up and demanded money. But one of the players was also armed and both of them opened fire. Which happens to be the police station. The problem is, hes a known criminal and had a warrant out for his arrest. The pokemon go game led to a car crash in baltimore. The driver said he was playing pokemon behind the wheel before he slammed into a police cruiser. Thats what i get for playing this dumb [ bleep ]. Jimmy thats right. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its a shame this game wasnt around 15 years ago, we could have use laden a lot sooner. [ laughter ] if you watch this show you know im a great lover of pranks. Mostly i like them when theyre on other people. But i can also appreciate when a good one is pulled on me. Last year for april fools, rihanna broke into my house and jumped on my bed and started singing in the middle of the night. Of course i changed the locks. Somehow its happened again. This time the culprit was another music superstar. And my wife, who again conspired and they marched them up to my bedroom in the middle of the night, and well, it went exactly like this. . Okay, so yeah, a surprise for jimmy. Were going to go wake him up and see what happens. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bye, jimmy jimmy thanks for coming by. Have a good day. What happened to my wife . You can go too. Sorry, jimmy kids are here, weve got to be jimmy this is how you become part of the group. How are you doing . Hello. Jimmy wow. Look at this. Merry christmas. All right, well, thanks, everybody. Everyone back to las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks to Britney Spears. Her new album gorily comes out august 26th. I dont k applause for that, i should be calling police on her. We have a good show. Music from Miranda Lambert. From comedy central, nikki glaser is here and well be right back with hugh grant. [ cheers and applause ] . Oh, okay. Well, how about this . Heres my answer. It just means ill take it. Right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. . . Hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . Yeah, we go left right here. Well find them in our subaru outback. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get zero percent on select subaru models during the subaru a lot to love event, welcome back to the show. Tonight from the show not safe the host of the program comedian nikki glaser is here. Then this is her new single. Its called . Vice . The return of Miranda Lambert to the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see her tomorrow night at the Greek Theater in l. A. And friday night in irvine. Tomorrow, Morgan Freeman will be here, chef Steve Martorano is going to cook and well have music from young the giant. Our first guest tonight is the star of many memorable movies, weddings, funerals and diaries. You name it. Florence foster jenkins. It opens august 12th. Please say hello to hugh grant [ cheers and applause ] . Jimmy very nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you. Youre very welcoming. Thank you, thank you. Ive always wondered, are you if an english person, an english golfer, an english middleaged golfer thinks of kimmel, firstly of course they think of you. Very soon after that they think of that disgusting liqueur. Do you say liqueur or liquor . Jimmy we say liqueur. The really horrible ones you get after dinner. Nobody wants but everybody drinks to be polite, yeah. The worst one in the world is kimmel. Jimmy yes. Its carroway seed flavored. Like an old vase of daffodils. Jimmy why do you say golfers though . Because they still make the stuff in holland, i think. Kimmel. Jimmy german. Its so disgusting, no one in the world drinks it except three all the members of three very oldfashioned golf the last three really oldfashioned ones. The only ones, in fact, that your future president hasnt bought yet. [ laughter ] i love those places. They survive entirely, these little old men, on kimmel. Jimmy see . Its the only pleasure in life because Everything Else is banned. If you play golf or if youve been jimmy i play every once in a while. Ive never been to one of those really fancy clubs. You should. Jimmy i should . Its sort of fascinating. They banned everything. They banned women. They say, you can eat here but im afraid the lady will have to eat outside. Jimmy oh, really . Yeah, theres a little hatch youre supposed to feed your girlfriend through. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. If you do get in or go without your girlfriend, they say, im sorry, you cant eat in here, you have to eat in the dirty bar. Theres a special bar called dirty. For people who are not members. You stand disgracefully in there. Jimmy and they call it the dirty bar . Yeah. Theres a little bit of butter but no jam. You say, is there any chance i might have some jam . Oh, no, sir, theres no jam here. Its like youve asked for crystal meth. [ laughter ] or anal sex or something. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and you go to these places, huh . I was a very, very heavy golf user. Jimmy youre not anymore . Im in remission, im in rehab, yeah. Jimmy you have a new place to get drunk and go the rac im into race driving now. Thats a great place to get drunk. Jimmy what cars do you race . Well, silly midlife crisis cars. You know. Jimmy italian sports cars . Italian sports cars, yeah. Jimmy who do you race against . Other fat middleaged men. [ laughter ] a lot of them are quite good. Im remarkably bad. I have to say. Jimmy you are . Yeah, i love it because i look so nice in the costume. Jimmy yeah. Right. It took me years to get it. Its such a cool thing to have. Jimmy theres an actual racing license . Yeah, looks like a credit card. I always get it out by mistake in restaurants. Oh, sorry, thats my racing license. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i dont think we have those here, i think anybody can race a car. I hope thats not true. Jimmy i dont think its regulated. I dont know ive been in a couple of those, nobody ever asked me for a racing license. I used my regular drivers license there. Mines [ bleep ]. I got it in jimmy i see. On the day of the test they said, you have to do 12 laps without any speeding or crashes this time. I did 12 crashes and 12 spins. They said, its all right, you have the license. Jimmy thats italy, theyre lax. Yeah, theyre nice. Jimmy you have a lot of young kids . Youve had a whole bunch of kids in the last few years. How does that work . Do you put baby seats in the back of your lamborghini or ferrari . Whatever the hell youre driving over there . Thats nice. No, but they come on theres one little boy, really loves my races. Jimmy he does. Hes a bit tragic. He says to his mother, theres daddy. She has to say, no, no. Thats daddy. Jimmy are you a strict parent . Are you a relaxed type . I think im an enchanting parent, but jimmy uhhuh. I can see now ive made ive made some errors. I, for instance i like to show my bare bottom to my childr. Jimmy okay. They now do that to all the children at nursery. I like to wear my underpants on my head. I dont know, nothing funnier than that. And now they wear their underpants on their head. All the little children in chelsea west london too. Jimmy youre setting a wonderful example. When you say you like to show you mean mooning . Yes. Jimmy do they call it mooning . A bit of mooning. Its always funny, i feel like thats gone out of style. I know, its always been bringing it back. Jimmy you could bring that back. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hugh grant, the new father of mooning. Well take a break. Hugh grants movie is called Florence Foster jenkins. Well be right back [ cheers and applause ] . He loves to say, well, fantastic a lot. I do say that, you see. I study psychobiology. Im a fine arts major. Nobody really believes that i take notes this way, but they actually make sense to me. I try to balance my studying with the typical college experience. Being able to pull up different articles to different parts of the screen is so convenient. I used to be a mac user but this is way better. . Is depression more than sadness . . Its a tangle of multiple symptoms. Trintellix vortioxetine is a prescription medicine for depression. Trintellix may start to untangle or help improve the multiple symptoms of depression. For me, trintellix made a difference. Tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. Antidepressants can increase these in children, teens, and young adults. Trintellix has not been studied in children. Do not take with maois. Tell your healthcare professional medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications to avoid a potentially lifethreatening condition. Increased risk of bleeding or bruising may occur especially if taken with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin, or blood thinners. Manic episodes or vision problems may occur in some people. May cause low sodium levels. The most common side effects are nausea, constipation and vomiting. If trintellix trintellix did not have Significant Impact on weight. L excuse me. I think theres a misprint. Oh. Model year end clarence event. Looks right to me. Shouldnt it be clear clearly. It is time to get a great deal and a reward card on this turbocharged jetta. Gotta make room for the 2017 models. It is a clarence event. . It seems clar to me. Clear to me. Ready for a test drive . Whatever you want to call it, dont miss the volkswagen model year end event. Hurry in for a 1,000 volkswagen reward card and 0 apr on a new whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Back to school is like our red carpet. Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Who wants to go shopping . And here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. Its time for some straight talk. If youve ever been lured in by a low price wireless plan. Then theres not enough highspeed data. Or your bill is packed with overages and mystery fees. Stop falling for it with straight talks unlimited plan, no contract, no tricks. And five gigs of highspeed data for just fortyfive dollars a month. Its time to ask yourself. Why havent i switched . Get any of the latest lg phones or bring your own phone. I want to see you dance no, no, my dancing days are done. I want to see you dance. No, no come on . . . . Jimmy that is hugh grant in Florence Foster jenkins. It opens august 12th. [ cheers and applause ] pretty good dancing. Are you impressed . Jimmy i am impressed. Im impressed myself. Jimmy that is you dancing or your character dancing . I mean, thats pretty do you have to practice or do you know how to dance like that . No, it was a nightmare. Three seconds. Then bayfield dances and hes brilliant. How long does it take to type that . Jimmy i see. Then im stuck in a dance studio for six months with sweaty people in a leotard learning to do that. I have to say, i now have a little bit of an appetite. Jimmy for dance . Really . I like now to express myself through movement. Yes. [ laughter ] jimmy this will be good for weddings. Yes, yes. Jimmy Airport Security line, all sorts of places like this where you can really move. Well yes. Funny you should mention. I just had an unfortunate experience just yesterday coming from jfk to here. Id left my passport. Jimmy oh. To get through those tsa guys, who are marvelous no quarrel, you need to show i. D. They didnt like a british driving license. They wouldnt accept that. Jimmy they didnt accept your italian driving license . No, i tried that. [ laughter ] i had the whole virtual strip search. Jimmy you did . The curious thing is i almost the guy was okay, okay, now im going to pat your buttocks, im going to pat your groin. I thought, really, thats a bit much. But when he did i thought, thats not bad, actually. [ laughter ] a little bit of attention. Jimmy your costar in this movie is meryl streep. On the like i mean, over in england do they consider meryl streep to be the greatest actress alltime . Yes, of course, yes, yes. Jimmy its not some snooty thing where americans dont count . Well, on the whole thats true. [ laughter ] no, no, shes revered. This was a terrifying experience for me. Because id really jimmy was it really . For you . Id put show business behind me, i was off doing other things, having a new child every week, doing politics. Jimmy yeah. Then rather a distinguished director, steven freers, comes along and says, i think we should do this film with meryl streep. It was such a good script. I thought, i cant turn it down. But then, you know. Waiting a year. Dreading having to perform with the woman whos got 19 oscar nominations, that is scary. Jimmy that amazes me. All the things youve done that you would be intimidated acting with meryl. When you meet her she makes you feel at ease, i would imagine. She certainly did with me. Or maybe not . I dont know. Nothing can make me feel at ease. Jimmy nothing . Except pills. [ laughter ] jimmy meryl didnt provide those . No, no. Jimmy wow. Very inconsiderate. I did the whole film on rescue do you know that stuff . Tastes like kimmel. Jimmy it does. That could be my new slogan, tastes a bit like kimmel. Its very good to see you, congratulation on this Florence Foster jenkins. [ cheers and applause ] hugh grant, everybody. Be right back with nikki glaser [ cheers and applause ] monday, john krasinski. Gillian jacobs. Music from bonnie raitt. Mmm this ham is great. See, we can agree. Honey, its called a barber shop quartet. No finally, something the whole family can agree on. Oscar mayer deli fresh ham made with pure honey for a taste everyone will love. New schick hydro . Versus a lube strip. A hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Free your skin . Get your tshirt game on at kohls. Its all about tees. This thursday to sunday at kohls. Awesome deals on graphic tees, character tees, striped tees and more plus, friends and family. Yup, thats you. Get an extra 20 percent off now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Crabfest is on at red lobster so come dive into dishes like the new alaska bairdi crab dinner with sweet crab from the icy waters of alaska. Or try crab lovers dream with tender snow and king crab legs. Love crab . Then hurry, crabfest ends soon. Time is the most valuable thing there is. Since the beginning of time, there never seemed to be enough of it. People try to beat time. Ahhhhh but time always wins. N the salsa can we gotta get out of here my phone is still charging so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . Ahhhhhhhh the galaxy s7 edge, with fast wireless charging, and our longest lasting battery. Introducing tmobiles most epic deal ever get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. I laugh, i sneeze. There goes my sensitive bladder. Sound familiar . Then youll love this. Incredible protection in a pad this thin. I didnt think it would work, but it does. Its called always discreet watch this. This super absorbent core turns liquid to gel, for incredible protection thats surprisingly thin. So i know im wearing it, but no one else will. Jimmy welcome back. Miranda lambert is still to come. Our next guest is a very funny comedian who has had sex and hosts a show about it. . Not safe with nikki glaser . Airs tuesday nights at 10 30 on comedy central. Please say hello to nikki glaser. [ cheers and applause ] . Im so good. Jimmy i really like your dress, i would wear Something Like that if i was a woman. Thats always a good compliment from a man. Jimmy have people said that before . I dont know. I feel like they, do like guys if you have guys pick out your outfit its something with holes in it. Where they can see parts of you. Jimmy yeah, we like to see parts, yeah. Yeah. Jimmy its human nature. It is. Jimmy theres nothing wrong with it. You know, youre doing this. The last time i saw you, you made an omelette for me once. Jimmy oh. But its been the highlight of my life. Jimmy i remember meeting you. When did i make an omelette . I was driving with doug benson to a gig. We picked up some comedian at your place. And you made me you were like, do you want anything to eat . You were in a robe. You probably werent but i picture you in a robe. You made me an omelette, a white egg white omelette, and there was no yellow in it. It was so good. Jimmy see that . I was like, that was my credit for a while. Jimmy kimmel made me theyd be like, nikki glaser coming to the stage, this next comedian, zika once made her an omelette. Jimmy really, wow, part of your introduction. People would lose their minds. Jimmy they would. Id have to sign stuff after the show. Jimmy was it a good omelette . It was so good. I remember being like, im going to pretend its good no matter what. But i didnt have to. It was great. Jimmy its a nice surprise. Yeah people assume that whatever i make will be terrible. Yes. Jimmy based on i dont jimmy indeed, i do make a very good omelette. Youre great. Jimmy thank you for finally acknowledging that on television. [ cheers and applause ] its not easy to do. Jimmy see, guillermo . Guillermo i see that, yes. Jimmy tell us about the show. Your show, the subject matter is sex. Yes. Jimmy thats the umbrella under which you operate. Yes. Yeah, i just have a show where i talk frankly about sex, because were all doing it. And i like it. And do you . [ cheers and applause ] they love sex. I put myself in situations that, you know. Jimmy what types of situations . Well, coming up on the show i spent 24 hours at a strip club, which i know is three hours shy of your record. [ laughter ] no, do you go have you been . I went to las vegas, sapphire. Jimmy i grew up in las vegas. Yes. Jimmy when i was in las vegas, i was young. So i wasnt really old enough to get into the strip club. Oh, yeah. Jimmy once cleto, our band leader, and i went. We stood in the front lobby trying to look in. Then they threw us out. 24 hours, no, we did not spend can you even . Theyre open . Theyre open 24 hours. Jimmy whats it like at 7 30 in the morning in a strip club . Dead. Theres like one sad man. Getting a lap dance. With ten strippers around him. But it was really sad. It was weird because like hour 23 i was like last day on naked and afraid. I was dehydrated, i just wanted to leave. Then i finally was done and my whole all my male writers and a couple of lesbian writers were like, were going to stick around a couple more hours. I think we need to get 27 under our belt. Jimmy really. They stayed there. And they knew all the tricks we talked to strippers and learned all their tricks about how to trick guys into thinking they like you. Jimmy what are the tricks . Eye contact. Telling them your real name but its like your fake real name. They have three names each. Jimmy oh, really. Theyre like puff daddy. They do that. We saw all of this. Writers were like, i dont know, i just really feel like i had a connection with cupcake last night. [ laughter ] i feel like shes going to stay in touch. Jimmy cupcake. A real person i met. Jimmy what are some of the other subjects you have on the show . Oh my gosh. I have been to a Foot Fetish Party. Jimmy really . Which was i was the belle of the ball. I have i have pretty jackedup feet. But theyre like into that there. Jimmy they are . Like bunions for days and theyre like they loved it. I felt like a supermodel. I felt like my foot was gisele, to them. They were stammering and couldnt look at it, they were nervous. Jimmy youre telling me i assumed that foot fetishists would like perfect feet. No. Jimmy their ideal foot would be a foot model. No . Some of them like to just suck on bunions. [ laughter ] they really do. Theres wikifeet, a website where they rate celebrities feet. I wore, like i covered up my toes jimmy there is . Out of respect for you. Yes. But ive got hey, this guy gave me a foot rub and he was like sweating. Nervous. Jimmy really . Then he goes, im sorry, im getting too excited. And he got a boner. Jimmy whoa. Yeah, it was crazy. Jimmy so he decided that he needed to stop . Yeah, he was like, this is not professional. Jimmy oh, boy. Yeah, professional. I was like, use your boner, that could be a good massage tool. Have a Foot Fetish Party . Couldnt you just go to the beach or something . It seems like there are bare feet everywhere you. Its true. It must be a paradox. They cant touch them. At this party girls just will walk on their faces. Jimmy girls will walk on their faces . Wow. Why would the girls want this . Because theyre paid. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, theyre paid. Yeah. Cupcake was there. Jimmy are there any female foot fetishists . No. Jimmy isnt that something, yes. Jimmy it doesnt matter what it is, its always guys. [ cheers and applause ] yep. Jimmy well, i dont know if thats good or bad. The show, the finale in which you go to your the strip club, is coming up this week. Yes. Jimmy well, thats got to be interesting. I also did a Virtual Reality porn. I had my first lesbian experience on Virtual Reality porn. Jimmy congratulations. Thank you so much. Jimmy nikki glaser, not safe with nikki glaser, tuesday night, comedy central. Be right back with Miranda Lambert [ cheers and applause ] . Dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by dicky the Jimmy Kimmel Live Concert Series is presented by samsung. Jimmy id like to thank hugh grant, nikki glaser, thanks to Britney Spears. Apologies to matt damon, we did run out of time for him. Nightline is next but first, here with the song . Vice . By Miranda Lambert . . Sting of the needle dropping on a vinyl neon singer with a jukebox title full of heartbreak . . Thirtythree fortyfive seventyeight when it hurts this good you gotta play it twice . . Another vice all dressed up in a pretty black label sweet salvation on a . . Dining room table waiting on me where the numb meets the lonely . . Its gone before it ever melts the ice another vice another in my hand said i wouldnt do it . . But i did it again and i know ill be back tomorrow night oh . . Ill wear a town like a Leather Jacket when the new wears off i dont even pack it . . If you need me ill be where my reputation donpr maybe im addicted to . . Goodbyes . . Another vice another town where my past cant run me down another life . Another call another bed i shouldnt crawl out of at 7 am with shoes . It but i did it again and i know ill be gone . . Tomorrow night mmm another vice . . Standing at the sink now looking at the mirror . . Dont know where i am or how i got here well the only thing that i know how to find . . Is another vice mmm another vice ooh another vice . . Another vice another vice this is nightline. Tonight, 60 days in. Undercover in a dangerous jail surrounded by violent criminals for a reality show. It sometimes gets too real. Exposing alleged crime and corruption, even amongst the guards. I told him coming in, youre doing illegal activity im going to personally risk myself and walk into the jail. Plus, skim bilk. The sophisticated and diabolical new way scammers are helping themselves to your hardearned cash. Its very easy. And its a lot of money. There are new ways to protect yourself from hightech credit and debit card skimming. And rose all day. So this is the rose life