Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hey, everybody oh, i feel the love. I feel the new york city love. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to the tonight show. This is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is the show. Youre here. Thank you for being here. Welcome, and thank you. Heres what people are talking about. Get this, facebook unveiled new halloween reaction buttons where you can like a post with a laughing witch or a mad jack o lantern. As opposed to the other way to choose between a laughing witch and a mad jack o lantern, voting. Steve hey [ cheers and applause ] jimmy actually, this was kind of scary. Last night, Donald Trumps running mate, mike pence, was landing at laguardia, when his campaign planedd yeah, when he heard, donald trump was like, oh my god, are the stewardesses okay . [ cheers and applause ] you know, trump really did call mike pence after his plane skidded off the runway to make sure he was okay, because if theres one guy you want to hear from after a plane wreck, its a train wreck. [ cheers and applause ] steve heyo hey hey hey hey train wreck. Another rally yesterday, where he said that his economic plan can be summarized in three words, jobs, jobs, jobs. When asked for more specifics, trump said, boob jobs, boob jobs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course, tonight was game three of the world series between the indians and the cubs. [ cheers and applause ] as you know, this week, the cubs won their first World Series Game since 1945, and no one was more excited than dorothy ferrell, a 90ye cubs fan from chicago. She even celebrated by doing some shots of jagermeister. [ cheers ] in their honor. Check this out. Do you actually like the taste of this or do you just party . I like that this gets the feeling going. Have you ever gotten in trouble from drinking too much jager . No. No . No. Jimmy, did i ever [ bleep ] . Heres to it again if you dont do it when you get to it, you [ laughter and applause ] jimmy did we drink this already . If you drink at the top, then you didnt drink then top and once youre at the bottom, youre back on top. All right, cheers. Couldnt have said it better myself. [ cheers and applause ] i dont care. Ill do it. I love her. Hi, dorothy. Actually, the last time the cubs won a world series was 1908, which was the year president taft was elected. After he won, defeating the democrat independent candidate, bernie sanders. [ laughter and applause ] long time ago. Steve that was a long time ago. Jimmy pretty big tech news, here. Twitter is phasing out the vine app. Yeah. You know vine. It lets users create and share sixsecond video clips, so i wanted to give one of vines biggest stars a chance to say farewell in a special video message. Please welcome derek haskell. Derek . Hey, jimmy, im sure you can i mean, for us, vine was like, a way to connect and jimmy thank you. [ cheers and applause ] steve beautiful. Beautiful. Touching. Jimmy i guess well have to hear the rest on snapchat. I dont know. [ light laughter ] a lot of guys are excited about this, victorias secret just unveiled this years fantasy bra, which is worth 3 million because of all the jewels. Yeah, the news station a a news station in virginia was covering the story yesterday, and one of the anchors had a listen to this. Last years fantasy bra was valued at 2 million. For most guys, a fantasy bra is one they can actually unhook. [ laughter ] jimmy coming up next, we fire a news anchor live on the air. I got another bra fantasy for you. My wife not shooting hers on stage at every Dierks Bentley concert. He aint never going to notice hey, all right. Finally, this is really cute. I saw that seaworld made a a special wetsuit for one of its penguins that doesnt have enough feathers to keep her warm. [ audience aws ] take a look at this. [ audience aws ] dont tell her its just a beer koozie. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. You guys, give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] . . . . That is the one and only 22time grammy Award Winning pianist, chick corea sitting in with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to see you, buddy. Nice to be here. Jimmy it sounds fantastic. You can catch chick now through december 11th at the Blue Note Jazz Club here in new york. Thank you so much for being here. We love you, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] master. Master. Week. We have jay leno will be here. Oh, we love jay. [ cheers and applause ] whoopi goldberg, vince vaughn, and Benedict Cumberbatch will all be joining us. [ cheers and applause ] plus performances from big sean, lecrae and alicia keys. You dont want to miss it. [ cheers and applause ] but joining us tonight, from the new animated movie, trolls, and she also has a a book out as well, my pal Anna Kendrick is here, you guys. Steve yeah. Jimmy from the new Netflix Series, the crown. The crown, the very talented john lithgow is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] show a picture of john. Love john lithgow. And we have great standup from iliza. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy always funny. This will be her fourth time on our show, on the tonight show. Shes very funny. Destroys every time shes on here. I love her. Thats usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. I check my inbox. Steve sure. Jimmy i return some emails. Steve uhhuh. Jimmy and of course, i send out some thank you notes. Steve really . [ cheers and applause ] [ light laughter ] jimmy guys, today i was running a bit late. So, i thought steve what did you think . Jimmy well, i thought if you guys wouldnt mind, i would just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. Steve now . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you guys are the coolest. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. James, could i get some thank you note writing music, please . . . Hes in a good mood. Steve i guess. Jimmy in another good mood. [ laughter ] steve you really have to. Jimmy yeah. Steve he is cute, though. . . Jimmy thank you, trick or treating, for being the one night a year parents say to their kids, remember all that stuff we told you about taking candy from strangers . Forget it. [ cheers and applause ] trust people. Jimmy thank you, halloween parties, for being the only place youll ever see spiderman holding a red solo cup and hooking up with a minion. [ cheers and applause ] steve thats not the only place. . . Jimmy thank you, Donald Trumps advisors, for taking members of the media to a strip club in las vegas. Youd think by now trumps people would be sick of watching something slide down the polls. Steve whoa no you didnt no you did not oh no you didnt thats it . . What a run. What a run. Jimmy no, you didnt. No, you didnt. Steve wow, you did not. Jimmy no you did not. . . Thank you, Cleveland Indians someone pours milk on him. Then he totally falls apart. [ applause ] did not know that. I didnt know that. Steve yeah, thats the worst. Jimmy defense. . . Jimmy thank you, walking through a spider web, for making it look like i just had battery acid thrown in my face. [ laughter ] just a spider web, dude. . . Like to call you, pants maracas. There you go, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more of the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] . . This is the story of falls biggest fan. Which brings us to the very moment she fell for fall all over again. Was she expecting to find the perfect designer boots at such an amazing price . No. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. . . When families gather, things get messy. Ours can help. . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . . I said, its getting hot in herre . New limited edition cherry from limearita. The bold margarita. . . . . One smart choice leads to the next. . . The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back, everyone. Youre just in time because im about to read spooky stories that were written and sent to us by Elementary School stories alone, no. That would be far too scary. Im going to need a little help from my friends Anna Kendrick and john lithgow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and its time for kids campfire [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the stories youre about to hear were all written by kids under the age of 10. So, please enjoy them. If you dar thank you. It was going to be a bigger thing. Ill read the first one. This is called, the anonymous man. . . I was the only youre not committing to that music, are you . I was the only one in the neighborhood. Then i heard a knock at the door. Nobody was there. So, i went to look out the window. So, i ran up the stairs and locked the door. I was so scared, my underwear almost came off. [ laughter ] i hid under the covers, and when i thought it was safe, i peaked my head out of the covers, and no one was there. That doesnt mean hes gone. He could be in your house, and he might scare your underwear off. [ laughter ] [ wolf howling ] thats your underwear off. Your underwear off. Okay. Anna, its your turn. Oh, anna thank you. Okay. This story is called the hungry ghost. Most stories start once upon a a time, but those are nice stories. And this is a scary story. A scary story about a ghost that was hungry. He went all around the neighborhood on halloween and said, trickortreat, but people didnt give him any candy because he was a real he got so sad and hungry that he went to mcdonalds and he got a cheeseburger and even a a milkshake because his mom said he could have one. [ laughter ] [ wolf howling ] jimmy wow. Youre next, john. John lithgow, youre up. This story is called ghost boy. There was a child who was lost in the forest. Woo hoo waka waka woo laka hoo he started running because a a ghost was after him. And the ghost caught the boy and turned him into a ghost boy. The ghost boy went back to his school and he scared the fourth graders at recess. Now, every time the recess bell hear, woo hoo waka waka woo laka hoo [ cheers and applause ] [ wolf howling ] jimmy my goodness. This this last one, lets do it together. This storys called the basket. Ill be the narrator. Anna, youll be playing the part of the old woman. Part of the old man. Got it. Jimmy here we go. There was an old man lost and then he saw an old woman that had a big basket. He wanted to help, so he went and said do you need some help . No, i can carry it. Jimmy said the old woman. Okay, you can carry it. Jimmy said the old woman. The old man heard moaning and groaning, so he opened the basket and a head jumped out and started chasing him away. Woah jimmy and thats why every halloween, people wear baskets on their heads. [ cheers and applause ] now im in the halloween spirit. My thanks to Anna Kendrick and john lithgow stick around. Well beht of the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] . . Initiating retrieval sequence. Activating thrusters. An vote from space. Take a break from the election with red or blue tea. Make time for snapple. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . announcer vo the new pixel phone by google. Google Assistant i found a few places. announcer vo the only network than can power the first phone with the new Google Assistant, unlimited photo storage, and a stunning vr experience. How is this possible . announcer vo so buy a pixel, only on verizon, and get up to 300 back. And right now get four lines and 20 gigs for just 160 with no surprise overages. All on americas best network. Whoa, this is awful, try it. Oh no, that looks gross what is that . You gotta try it, its terrible. I dont wanna try it if its terrible. Its like mango chutney and burnt hair. No thank you, i have a very sensitive palate. Just try it guys, i think we should hurry up. If you taste something bad, you want someone else to try it. Its what you do. I cant get the taste out of my mouth if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Shhh dog, dog, dog. Lies deserve quality education for their kids, childcare they can trust and afford, equal pay for women, and jobs they can really live on. People ask me what will be different if im president . Well kids and families have been the passion of my life and they will be the heart of my presidency. Im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. Im beowulf boritt and im a broadway set designer. As a tablet. Go in and work on the details. [ cheers and applause ] . . Jimmy we are joined right now by a tony, golden globe and Academy Award nominated performer. U series. Starting next friday, you can see her opposite just Justin Timberlake in a big new animated film called trolls. Its really great. Put it together for the immensely talented Anna Kendrick, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Anna Kendrick, welcome back. Thank you. Jimmy to the show. You look gorgeous. Thank you. Jimmy thank you for doing that spooky. That was so much fun. I feel like i actually like you know, you got your moneys worth. Ill do a little acting. Jimmy that was great, right . A little smackting, oh, please. That was spooky and scary. Yeah, i loved it. Jimmy we just did a thing with kevin hart where we went to a Haunted House in new york city. Oh yeah . Jimmy oh yeah. Was it fun . Jimmy it was frightening. Frightening. I dont like getting scared. Why did you go . For the show. I get it. Yeah. Jimmy i do whatever i can to entertain the people. You just do what they tell you. Jimmy well, kevin dared me to do it because i dared him to do a roller coaster. Hes scared of roller coasters. Oh, okay. Jimmy so i did that with him too. Hes like, i want to take you to a Haunted House to scare you because i dont like being scared. And no scared me. Im really proud of you. Im really proud of you. Jimmy thank you. Yeah, yeah. Do you like getting scared . Do you like that stuff . I dont like the jump out at you, like scary, but jimmy theyre hiding me jimmy i would never do that because i dont like it. I dont trust any of you. Jimmy yeah, i dont trust any of whats going on. Yeah, but it was a dark maze and somebody was hiding underneath and they grabbed your ankles. No, no jimmy im thinking its all up here, yeah. No, because i went to a a Haunted House that was more like creepy images. And, like, you know, and its kind of like getting under your skin and you dont know exactly why. But then it was kind of sexy too, kind of a sexy, scary, so youre confused. Youre feeling new feelings, kevin hart and i did not go to strip club. Strip club, sorry i meant Haunted House. We did not go to that at all. No, i mean i think maybe because its l. A. , everybody has to be really hot. Like all the actors in it were, like, really hot. And they touch you and say stuff to you, and, like, at a a certain point i was like i was like, so when are we kicking off this orgy . [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god. What are we doing . Jimmy this was not my and i went afterwards and like said hi to the actors they have like the opposite experience where i was, like, so, like, whats up with you guys . And they were like, we werent actually hitting on you. Were actors. You should know better. I was like, cool, i just thought there was maybe a vibe. But part of the show. Well done. Jimmy and theyre like handing you resumes and stuff on the way out. This is l. A. How did i do . Was i scary . I want to talk about your early career because you and your yeah, yeah. Well, my parents were, like, so supportive. But you know, we were from maine and they both had jobs, they worked full time. And after a while, they were like, if you want to keep auditioning, you and your brother can take the bus down to new york from maine. And i was like 12 and he was 14, and we would, like, come in, and usually it was like, you know, six hours to get down here and we would do like 15 minutes in a room and then six hours back. Jimmy i mean, auditions are in the morning. Theyre early. Jimmy good for you. Thanks. Jimmy thats awesome. But occasionally, like, wed get the if i got a callback, wed have to figure out what to do, like where to stay. And my parents would fax a a credit card, and they would have to call ahead and be, like, naturally, well be along, but our children are checking in early. But like obviously, well be there because what kind of parents would let their children stay in a hotel by themselves . Jimmy in new york city. Yeah. Jimmy home alo. There like, yes, mother and father will be along shortly. [ laughter ] jimmy the von traps . Thats our impression of respectable children. Jimmy thats cool. How exciting is that . Yeah, it was cool. Jimmy i love that. What part of maine . I love maine. Portland. Jimmy never been. Not even one person . Yeah, give it up for portland. Thank you, one person. I know youre lying. Youre a filthy liar. Jimmy you had time to write a book, which im very excited about this. Look at this. Scrappy little nobody. Yeah. There she is. Jimmy come on, thats cute. Thats the villain. Thats me. Jimmy congratulations on this. Thank you. Jimmy thats pretty fun. Thank you. Jimmy its great. Its a great story. And actually, i think you should be proud of this. Its awesome. Well ill go ahead and do that. Jimmy and trolls, hows Justin Timberlake . Oh, do you know justin . You know justin, yeah. Jimmy how was he to work with . I mean, the best. Like, hes the best. Hes the best guy and weve been going around and doing all this press together. And hes been so great and we end up on all these red carpets together and im like, oh im going to have a picture of me and justin on the red carpet. Thats so cool and then all of the pictures are bad. Theyre all bad. Jimmy no theyre not. Theyre not bad, theyre not. Because i think when you i cant bring myself to just do, like, hold that red carpet face, because you know, theyre yelling and. Jimmy no, trust me, i dont know. Theres a lot of people. Jimmy i dont know. But yeah. Thanks for being nice to me. Jimmy, jimmy. Jimmy jimmy, please duck down. Youre in the way. [ laughter ] we need to take care of anna. But i cant seem to bring myself to just commit. Jimmy what is your face . Because its like. Jimmy anna, over here, anna, over here yeah, whats up with you, and its all bad. Jimmy whats up with you . Why would you say that . Hey, are you guys good . [ laughter ] jimmy what do you guys like to eat late at night . I keep expecting at any moment to just learn to just like, doesnt matter to me. Couldnt care less. Happy to be here. Jimmy instead, its like yeah. Im like. Jimmy yeah, exactly. Well, this was you dont really even have to sell the movie tomorrow. Ill selling it for you. Trolls, its animated, its so much fun. Its very musical. Its so cute. Jimmy and its justin and its anna and james cordon and gwen stefani. . Cant stop the feeling . We have a clip. Heres Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake in trolls in theaters and i recommend seeing it in 3d next friday. Check this out. You and justin realize the world isnt all cup cakes and rainbows, because it isnt. Hey, i know its not all cupcakes and rainbows but id rather go through life thinking that it mostly is instead of being like you. You dont sing. You dont dance. So gray all the time. What happened to you . Shh. A bergen . Maybe. Theres no bergen, is there . You just said that so id stop talking. Maybe. Jimmy thats what im talking about. Thanks to Anna Kendrick, trolls is in theaters everywhere next friday. Go see it. And also 3d. And check out her book. John lithgow joins us after the break. Stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] . . [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] . On the road again . Ounds ] [ music stops ] [ girl laughs ] . On the road again . . Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway . [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. Hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s for just 199 a month. Hersheys miniatures. We pour em we pass em delicious fun for everyone. Hersheys miniatures are mine, yours, inside the rack houses of jim beam thousands of barrels lay silent aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years at jim beam our history is made from the inside how will you make yours . Now try jim beam apple and a fresh lemon wedge to make a crisp, refreshing jim beam apple and soda. Ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. Its more than cash back. . . . . Thunder . . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy gosh, hes so good. Winning actor. Gosh we love him so much. You know him obviously from 3rd rock from the sun, dexter, he was creepy he was fantastic. The list goes on and on. Now hes back in the new Netflix Series the crown, which premiers next friday, november 4th. Please welcome the incredibly talented john lithgow. [ cheers and applause ] . . Jimmy john, nice to see you. That waters for you. Thank you for being here, buddy. Wonderful. Jimmy thank you for doing that sketch with us too. My second time acting with Anna Kendrick after the accountant. Jimmy oh no, thats right. You guys were fantastic. And theyre so similar. Jimmy similar characters. Well, you know how to perform childrens stories in front of yeah, thats been a kind of side bar. Jimmy youre great at it. Well, ive been entertaining little kids for a long time with albums and concerts and jimmy is there a a difference. Do you like i know you like both audiences, obviously, but kids are just honest. Honest. Theyre a wonderful counterpoint to grownup audiences. A completely different response. Jimmy yeah. Have you ever had an instance where it was just an odd moment with oh, god, yes. Theyre a tricky my best example of that, iay a suitcase on to the stage and take out little props to introduce each song, and once i was going to sing sunny side of the street. So i took out a tiny Paper Parasol and i asked them, do you know what this is . And of course they all said, its an umbrella. And i said, no, no, its a a parasol. An umbrella keeps the rain off your head. What does a parasol what do and a little girl out in the audience said, drinks. And all the parents blanched and looked at each other. Jimmy mommy and daddy have it in their drinks. Whose child was that. Jimmy i love it. Thats so fun. I love your acting but i also love your voice and i can tell when i hear it now and then on commercials. Are you the voice of progresso chicken soup . Im the progresso soup man. Yes. I knew this. Thats john lithgow, and then i found out that you just love chicken soup. Well, of course i love chicken soup. Everybody loves chicken soup. Progresso makes really good chicken soup. Jimmy of course. They came after me to be a a hyperexcited voiceover spokesperson for chicken soup, and. Jimmy and you love but you also we had our buddy mario batali make a chicken tortilla soup a weird thing that he does. He takes lime and he puts that over the soup. Has anyone ever thought of that . Nobody. Now, try this and just tell me. This is going to be amazing. Try this. Ill try Mario Batalis chicken soup. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. Its good. But its not progresso. Jimmy oh, yeah. That is [ applause ] jimmy that is the slogan. Long live chicken [ cheers and applause ] jimmy long live that is thats not bad, right . Very spicy. Jimmy exactly. Yeah. I know. I dont fool around here. I want to talk to you about the crown. The the crown, as i say. Yes. Yes. Jimmy its very fun to do. It was a wonderful experience, a kind of dream job. The crown is the story of elizabeth iis young years in and all the major figures in British Government and society back then. Jimmy how fun. I love that. Im totally interested in that. And i got to play winston churchill. I was the only american in the whole cast, and. Jimmy what an honor. Thats fantastic. An honor. I was incredibly excited. Jimmy but you do an amazing churchill. Did you know that you had one in you . No, i never would have cast myself as churchill. Jimmy no, i mean, how would you know . It was a complete surprise to me. A good impersonation of . Winston churchill. Wait, what . Well, you know, i immediately dived into an enormous amount of research. I listened to lots of video and lots of audio, but it only really took hold when i worked with these brilliant costume, makeup, and hair people in england. After they got through with me, i was a passable winston. Jimmy i want to show everybody how amazing this is. Its available next friday on its worth it. We have a clip from the crown. Check this out. Do sit down, Prime Minister. Ive ordered tea or something stronger, perhaps. Oh dear. Did no one explain . A sovereign never offers a a Prime Minister refreshment, nor a chair. The precedent set by your greatgreatgrandmother was to keep us standing like privy counselors. To waste time is a grievous sin. If there is one thing ive learned in 52 years of public service, it is that there is no problem so complex, no crisis so grave that it cannot be satisfactorily resolved within 20 minutes. So, shall we make a start . [ applause ] but somewhere in there theres you and i just love it so much. Actually, we talked to the Makeup Department from the crown, and they gave us these oh, yes, my little churchill pills. Jimmy yes. And what are these . These are the things you these are called my plumpers. You know, churchill has much fuller jowls than i do. Dont eat it. It not only changes my face. It changes the way i speak. As in, i have nothing to offer but one hundred percent antibiotic and hormonefree white breast meat chicken. [ cheers and applause ] long live jimmy wait, wait, can you leave them in for a little bit . Can you put them back in . All right, you see, its all done very quickly. Jimmy yeah, its just cause i thought this would be kind of fun. Can you read can you just read some of these lines, just see, just read them in order. I think this is kind of, could be interesting. You have something for me to read . Jimmy yeah. Yes, i do. As churchill . Jimmy yes. Of course. I was working in the Lab Late One Night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight, for my monster from his slab began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he did the mash. He did the monster mash. [ cheers and applause ] it was a graveyard smash. He got it on in a flash. He did the mash. Jimmy john lithgow, everybody [ cheers and applause ] the crown is available to stream on netflix next friday november 4th. Comedy from the very funny [ cheers and applause ] . . R with a healthy smile. Start yours with Philips Sonicare, the no. 1 choice of dentists. Compared to oralb 7000, Philips Sonicare flexcare platinum removes significantly more plaque. Cleaning deep between teeth. Hear the difference . Get healthier gums in just 2 weeks vs a manual toothbrush and experience an amazing feel of clean. Innovation and you. Philips sonicare. Save now when you buy Philips Sonicare. . . We believe that light beer shouldnt compromise on taste. And we hold true to that belief. Dont miss kohls 50 off sale take 50 off hundreds of items plus take an extra 20 off plus take an extra 10 off your purchase of 50 or more plus get kohls cash plus yes 2 you members earn triple points. Now thats the good stuff. Kohls ah, beth. So the elevator is stuck again. With a guy with overactive sweat glands. Sorry, rode my bike today. Cool. Its your tv, take it with you. Watch all your live channels, on your devices, datafree. . Oh . . With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of . This is lulu, our newest dog. Mom didnt want another dog. She said its too much work. Lulus hair just floats. Uhh help me doorbell mom, check this out. Wow. Swiffer sweeper, and dusters. This is what im talking about. Look at that. Sticks to this better than it sticks to lulu. Thats your hair lulu mom, can we have another dog . laughing trap and lock up to 4x more dirt, jim dunlap too many Nevada Police officers have been killed in the last few years. The truth is, we make it too easy for criminals and the dangerously mentally ill to buy guns. They get them at gun shows or online from strangers, something we can do to honor the fallen close the background check loophole. That will help prevent future cop killings. It works. In states that have closed the loophole, nearly half as many Police Officers have been shot and killed in the line of duty. Background checks save lives. . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy chick corea in the house. Our next guest stars in the series forever thirtyone on abc digital, and her comedy special, confirmed kills, is currently streaming on netflix. Making her fourth appearance on the tonight show, everyone please welcome iliza [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] . . Thank you this is so fun. So, i want to share an opinion that probably wont be very popular, but i hate las vegas. And i know im supposed to love it because im a girl and women, we have this pavlovian response, someone says vegas like, i said vegas here and some woman in new jersey was like, vegas [ laughter ] what i want to share with you is that las vegas isnt for women. Its only for men. I will prove it to you. The number one sport in las vegas is what . Killing prostitutes. No, youre close. Its lighten up. Its gambling. Its gambling, and they only want men to gamble because they incentivize men to gamble with what . Free drinks. But who bringeth the free drinks . If they wanted the women to stay and gamble, theyd have the dude from thunder down under like, here you go sheila, but they dont. [ light laughter ] and i feel bad because these women are like 80 years old, exhausted, ice skater pantyhose, coming out shaking under 80 pounds of free gin and gingers, like, i remember when this was all desert. The only thing that women are absolute hookers and have no one judge us. Yeah, thats why we go. We land at mccarran, we throw our clothes out the window, we come out of the bathroom like its floss and a cork. Im empowered. [ laughter ] and we love it. And we stay that dressed up, even when we go to the pool. Right . And you come down there with your pack of girlfriends. Were always in vegas to celebrate, right . Stacys getting married, beckys getting a divorce, kelly got banged. Whatever it is and we are dressed up. We are in primer and sunscreen and foundation and you just spent the last hour watching some Saudi Arabian girl doing a a makeup tutorial on instagram, so we are contoured like nutcrackers. [ cheers and applause ] you walk outside, you set one foot outside, and you are melting. Your eyelashes are cascading down your face like caterpillars, its hot, and i dont know why. Every single pool in the world has a sign above it that says, caution, wet surface. But for girls, were like, not me, this is a good idea. Im doing it. What happens in vegas stays in vegas. Yeah, like your teeth, stacy, when you crack them on the pavement. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] put on some flipflops. And we wear dumb bathing suits. Like this is expensive, and its cut out here. Its cut out here. Promise you this, youre going to burn, and youre going to end up looking like a a vivisection of a cow on a a steak house menu. [ light laughter ] and i think the worst part of about las vegas has to be the cabanas, because the types of guys that get cabanas are the worst. Theyre always there for joeys bachelor party, right . Theyre fist pumping. Theyve all got fedoras, gold plated jewelry, open shirts, theyre always stunning but jacked but theyve got tiny yeah [ cheers and applause ] little egg beater hands. Yeah and theyre trying to attract you. These men bought this cabana to project an image of wealth. But girls, these guys dont have money. These guys flew here last minute, middle seat, c group, the hot one brought his clothes in a garbage bag. [ light laughter ] his objectivbe away from the herd to bring you back to his junior suite that hes sharing with eight other grown men on the ground level of the hotel. These guys cant afford this cabana. They bought it together. Its not like one of them could buy the cabana. Its not like joey had a good year pouring concrete. These guys [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] these men pooled their money, [ laughter ] and they want you. And even though, as a woman, you know these guys are not right for you, you know that these men are hot garbage fire, some part of you still wants them, and what i want to share with you is this. Before the age of 25, your girlfriends wont let you go with him. Before the age of 25, women have this miss ill informed Taylor Swiftian notion of sisterhood. We will do anything to protect our own. Like you cant have stacy. We wl no, stacy. [ laughter ] the subtext of, you cant have her is, of course, because you didnt want me, but thats a a whole other ted talk. [ laughter and applause ] what i want to say to the women here is, enjoy the sovereignty of your youth, because after 30, its different. After 30, your girlfriends dont care if you die. Listen to me. Shivering alone in a forest. After 30, your sex life becomes our entertainment. [ light laughter ] after 30, were going to be like, go with him we want to see what happens. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Jimmy oh come on. The confirmed kills tour begins november 4th. Tickets are available at iliza. Com. Well be right back, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] weve got a choice to make. Jacky rosen wants to build an economy that works for all of us, creating good jobs, expanding solar energy, and improving our schools. But with danny tarkanian, you cant escape the sleaze. Tarkanian lost 17 million in a failed Development Scheme and stuck taxpayers with the bill. He even helped set up Fake Charities dccc is responsible . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy my thanks to Anna Kendrick, john lithgow, iliza once again [ cheers and applause ] chick corea right there, ladies [ cheers and applause ] and the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching. Have great weekend. I hope to see you next week. Byebye, everybody [ cheers and applause ] . . Announcer from the warner theater in washington d. C. , its late night with seth meyers. Tonight kevin hart. Secretary of defense, ash carter. Senator from minnesota, al franken. Featuring the 8g band with thaddeus dixon, corey glover, . . [ chrs and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening im seth meyers, this is late night from washington, d. C. How is everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] we cannot thank you enough for your hospitality this week. Weve absolutely had the best time. But without any further ado, lets get to the news
comparemela.com © 2020. All Rights Reserved.