Edith, are you gonna be home in the next halfhour . Yeah. Why . And introduce his fianc\e. Oh good. Oh, by the way, a week from saturday, we are having a big Engagement Party and youre invited. Wonderful. You and mike and gloria. And. No ands, edith. What about archie . Archie is not invited. Edith, lets face it. Archie and george cant stand each other. Put them in the same room together, the partys over. But, louise even if we invited archie, he wouldnt come. Believe me, edith, well be making archie happy by not inviting him. Well, thats very thoughtful of you, louise. Well, im glad thats settled. Well, can i help you with any of the baking or cooking . Oh, no. Not this time. Its going to be a catered affair. We are hiring a room at the monarch hotel. Oh, my so long, edith. Ahha back, back, back, the two of youse. Youll never guess who i just met coming over here to see you. Lionel and his fianc\e. That is so dumb, answering quick without even taking time to think im sorry, archie. Whats the surprise . Lionel and his fianc\e. Is the surprise over yet . Yeah, yeah, get in here. Edith hello, lionel. Hi, mrs. Bunker. Id like you to meet jennie willis. Oh, how do you do, jennie . Hello, mrs. Bunker. Lionels told me so much about you. Nothing bad, i hope. Oh, dont put her on the spot, edith. Aint she pretty yes. Lionels a good picker. Just like his father well, jennies a good picker too. Oh, thank you, mrs. Bunker. I wanna tell you, lionel, its a good thing, i hope youre gonna follow through and get married. Oh, yeah. Right. So, uh, when are youse two gonna tie the knot, you and your impending husband . Well, lionel and i had a long talk about that, and we decided to wait until after lionel graduates, because a, statistics show that the greatest amount of stress in a marriage occurs during that first year. And that would be too much of a burden to put on lionel while hes still at school. B, if we wait, i could quit school, go to work so that well have that nice little nest egg to fall back on until lionel finds a position. And c, after lionel establishes himself, i can go back to school, complete my education and pick up on my own career. Aint she something . I guess you know what youre doing, lionel. Lionel, its really getting late, and ive got to be going, so. Edith so soon . Would you believe i still dont have a dress for our Engagement Party . Byebye. Bye. Edith goodbye. I must say that thats a very nice thing youre doing there, mrs. J, giving the kids an Engagement Party. Oh, its not much. Were just inviting the immediate family and a few close friends. Oh, swell. Ill be there. Huh . Yeah. Ill even bring the kids a present. Oh, no. You see oh, no, no trouble at all. Mrs. J, you must know how i feel about lionel. I mean, i like him very much. I practically watched the kid grow up. Archie, youve only known lionel four years. But them were four very important years, edith. Them were the four years when the boy was coming into his pubertyhood. But really, archie, you dont no, no, no, no. I mean, its gonna be a real pleasure, because after all, lionel and me when lionel first come to this neighborhood, being colored, naturally he was a little green. I taught him a few things, we become friends. No, im gonna make that party. Im gonna be there with the bells on. I gotta get home. Georges dinners burning. [both mouthing] arent you taking something for granted about the Engagement Party . What are you talking about . Well, i heard you say you was coming, but i didnt hear louise say you was invited. Oh, use your head, edith. You heard what the woman said. The immediate family and a few close friends. Who could be closer than us . We live next door. No way, louise, you hear me . No way george, calm down that honky aint coming to no party im giving, not for my son, you hear . Not while im alive now, you sneaked in the rest of his family, but thats it, thats enough. Now, im saying im saying enough. E, double e, triple e, nough george, if you dont wanna calm down, will you shut up who you telling to shut up . Do you see anybody else in this room . Now, you listen here, woman. Dont you give me that woman jazz. Dont you give me that jazz, woman now, you listen to me, george. I am not crazy about archie coming to our party either. But now weve got to invite him. Edith is a very good friend of mine, and im not gonna do anything to hurt her. But you promised me, louise, you promised. You said no archie i know, but i cant help it. Archie thinks hes invited. What can i do . You can take your big mouth back over there and uninvite him, thats what you can do i cant do that why . Because youre afraid of hurting his feelings . You just blame it on me. Mr. Bunker, im very sorry, but i have to take back my invitation because my husband, george, says he doesnt want you at the party. Hes very sorry. He hopes you understand, you honky, you. Thats all. Is that your final word . Thats it and you heard it. Okay, fix your own dinner. Oh, now youre gonna get dramatic, huh . Who you supposed to be . Doris day . Do you see any freckles here . What about my dinner . Forget it im going over there and tell archie hes invited courtesy of you. Over my dead body. Thats one way. Hold it, louise my mind is made up. And dont you dare say no, or youll be eating your dinner through a straw what . Hey, ma. Oh, my. You came home at just the right time. You mean dinners ready . No. Archies in the bathroom. Why is that just the right time . Well, you see, louise was here, and she invited us to lionels Engagement Party. Is that what sent archie up to the bathroom . No. Gloria oh, i get it. Daddys throwing a temper tantrum because he doesnt want to go, right . Wrong, gloria. Hes going. Well, then whats the problem . He aint invited. Well, where did he get the idea that he was . Out of his own head. Thats the worst place he couldve gotten anything from. Ma, you gotta tell him. How long can you keep putting it off . [toilet flushing] but i dont know what im gonna do. Well, dont worry, ma. Ill tell him. No, gloria, let me handle it. Hes gonna be so mad. Thats all right. Im used to it. Hey, arch. How are you doing . Hows everything . Whats new . New york, New Hampshire and new jersey. [laughing] funny, arch. Dinners in a couple of minutes, archie. Ah, daddy, i hear youre going to lionels Engagement Party. Yeah, i gotta go. I couldnt get out of it. Michael yeah, uh. Arch, uh, i have something to tell you, and i dont think youre gonna like it. Whats new . I dont like nothing you tell me. Arch, im serious. You, uh youre not invited to lionels party. What . [doorbell ringing] ill get that. I aint invited . Did you hear what that meathead just said . Oh, hi, louise. Come on in. Thank you. Oh, boy, am i glad youre here, there, mrs. J before you say anything, archie, george insisted that i come over here and extend you a formal invitation. George did that . There, what do you think of that . Louise edith george said he wasnt gonna touch solid food until i invited you. So ill see you at the party, archie. Oh, swell. Hey, wait a minute, mrs. J, wait a minute, just before you go. Listen, the formal invitation to me, that includes edith, i hope. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, great. And another thing, mike and gloria, theyve been hinting around about going too. Oh, they can come. Yeah. And would you just kind of extend the formal invitation to them too . Because they dont believe nothing i tell them. Go ahead, go ahead. Hey, everybody, mrs. Js got something to say to you here. Mike, gloria, edith, youre all invited too. Bye. Oh, mrs. J, look you got a very good heart. Yeah. Well, there you go. What did i tell you, stupid . And you, edith, dont you feel dopey now . Oh, yeah. I guess i got it all mixed up. Got it all mixed up. Mixed up. George. George george, what have you been doing . Enjoying myself. Why . Well, why dont you make yourself useful . Like what . Like getting your mother off my back. Whats the matter with mama . Oh, dont get me started on that, george. Now get over there and talk to her. Hey. Hows it going, pop . Hey, son. How are you . You take good care of this pretty little lady now. Yeah, ill do that. I like your family, lionel. They all seem so nice. Oh, they got you fooled too, huh . Listen, what happened to your folks . Theyll be here soon. Lionel, have you told your father about my parents yet . Oh, you mean about them being werewolves . Oh, be serious. No, no, theres some things you dont tell my father till its too late. But, lionel, im worried listen, relax. Everythings gonna be okay. Here, here lionel, didnt i teach you better than that . Aint i doing it right . Look, lighten up on the girl. Leave her enough lips to say, i do. Hi, mama. Everything all right . But louise said you were upset about something. Wherever did she get that idea . Why, george, its a lovely party. And dont you worry about the food being skimpy. Im sure nobody will notice that. George, thats your second drink . Yes, this is my second drink, ma. Ill finish it for you. Mama, you dont have to finish the drink for me. George, you know, youre just like your daddy. He couldnt drink. I had to do all the drinking for him too. Come on, archie, this is the party. Oh, edith, you dont have to be nervous with the colored crowd. Just keep your eye on me. Man hey. Hi. If youre looking for the elks club, its down the hall. Ah, no, no. I aint looking for that. No, ah, no. Do i look like an elk . Oh, hello, you two. Oh, so nice of you to come, archie. Yeah, i know. Where is mike and gloria . I dont see them. Oh, theyre over at our house picking up some records. Oh, thats nice. Oh, yeah. Now, can i introduce you to everybody . Well, to tell you the truth, mrs. J or would you rather have a drink first . Thats the guy i wanna meet, the bartender. Yeah, yeah. Oh, look. Hello, mr. Jefferson. Oh, hi, mrs. Bunker. Hey, jefferson, there. How are you . Listen, that formal invitation you sent by your wife, i think that was very white of you. Thats exactly the way i felt when i did it. George, why dont you take archie over to the bar and offer him a drink . Hey, jefferson. I seen you hosing down your porch yesterday. Oh, yeah . When am i going to see you hosing down yours . Bartender. Yes, sir . Get the man a drink, please. Any particular brand . Yeah. The expensive brand. Ha and what about you, sir . Scotch and soda, please. Yes, sir. Hey, hey, jefferson, theres a switch for you, this guy giving you the big yes, sir. Why . Hes the bartender, aint he . Yeah, but what i meant was im used to having it the other way round. Oh, yeah . How many servants you got in that mansion you living in . What do you mean by that . Let me tell you something about people. There you are. Thank you. That bartenders willing to work for me, because if you got enough green in your pocket, then black becomes his favorite color. George, thats your third drink. I know that well, put it down. Mama, will you leave me alone, please . I said put it down. Youve had enough. Look, mama, im a big boy now. I dont need you to blow my nose for me. George. Hey, there, jefferson. That aint very nice, talking that way to your little mammy here. Who you calling mammy . You. Well, dont you dare call me mammy. Im nobodys mammy. Im his mother. Now, if you got anything to say to me, you call me mrs. Jefferson. Jeez, mrs. Jefferson dont talk to me. Thats telling him, ma. And dont you try to make up to me either. Oh, mother jefferson, whats wrong . Oh, dont. Im getting out of here. George, whats going on . He called mama mammy. Oh i didnt think i was doing nothing wrong. I thought all colored people call their mothers mammy. Well, i did, jefferson. Thats what i always heard. Jeez, al jolson called his mother mammy for years. See that, louise . You see . Thats what you get for inviting whites. Hi. How are you . Fine. Uh, hey, if youre looking for the elks club, its down the hall. No, thanks. Im in the right place. Oh, yeah . What are you, the caterer . No. So, what are you doing here, a white guy . Im a guest. What are you doing here, a white guy . Im the familys white friend. Jennie oh, mom hi you look beautiful oh, so do you, baby. So do you. You see that little girl over there . Thats the little girl lionels going to marry. I know. Know who that lady is hugging her . No. Shes my wife. Oh, that huh . Daddy hey, jennie hi. Oh, hi, mr. Willis. Hi, lionel. Oh, i see youve met mr. Bunker. Oh, yeah, weve met. Yeah, yeah. Lionel, shouldnt we introduce my parents to yours . Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, lionel uh, no, im going to introduce them right now. This i got to see. Mom, pop. Could you come over here a second . I got some people i want you to meet. Hey, jefferson, youre gonna love this. Okay, okay, mom, pop, this is jennies parents, mr. And mrs. Willis. Uh. Im very pleased to meet you. How do you do . Mrs. Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson. Youre white and youre black. Its a kick in the head, aint it . Lionel, i want to talk to you. You know, jefferson, all the chickens coming home to the roost please theres not one would you just excuse us, please . Listen, you know what i think . Would you excuse us, please . Think, son, think. What about your children . What they going to be . Oh, boys and girls, i hope. Louis, we are not wanted here. Helen, dont fly off the handle. I want to leave and right now. But, mom, you jennie, you stay out of this. This is between your father and me. Okay. Okay have a good time. Cant you tell when youve been insulted . Now, just dont get excited. I am not getting excited. I am getting mad. Listen to them, louise. Thats what happens when you mix black and white. Ten more seconds, hes gonna call her, nigger. Listen to that. I aint used that word in three years. Louis im getting madder. Listen to this dame over here. Another minute, shes gonna call him a honky. Hi. We brought the records. Did we miss anything . Only the beginning of world war iii. What . Ill explain later. Just play something quick, and loud oh, okay. Louis just take it easy or theyll think were really fighting. Who cares what they think . Ah, come on, now, helen. Weve run into his kind before, black and white, and weve always been able to handle them. Sure, because we never let them walk all over us. We did something about it. You want me to do something about it . All right, i am going to do something about it right now [romantic music playing] head near the door, edith. Theres gonna be a race riot. Mrs. Jefferson. Yes . May i have this dance . You certainly may. Louise im standing here you see, archie . No trouble at all. You see that, what mixed marriage leads to . Mixed dancing mrs. Willis, you have a lovely daughter. Thank you. I dont believe weve met. Oh. Im mrs. Bunker. I aint one of the relatives. Im just a good friend. Bunker, what is this world coming to . Beats me, jefferson. G g you playing] glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then girls were girls and men were men mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again didnt need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great [groggily] ma. Gloria what are you doing down here . You ought to be in bed. Yeah, but he cant come. He says he dont feel well enough to make house calls. Oh, no, you mean dr. Nelsons sick too . Yeah, and he thinks it sounds like both of you got the same thing. Well, what did you tell him . I told him to take two aspirin and get plenty of rest. Oh, ma. I feel awful. Aww. Dinner will be ready soon. Some nice stew will make you feel better. Not so loud. My stomach might hear you. I cant face any food. Oh, maybe youre right. They say, starve a cold and feed a fever. Well, what am i supposed to do . I got a cold and a fever. Oh, well, maybe if you ate a little for your fever now, you could starve a little for your cold in the morning. No. No food, ma. Edith theres your father. Hello, archie. Ahchoo oh, gesundheit. Ahchoo oh, gesundheit ahchoo gesundheit hello, archie. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You see what youve done . You went back, you pick up three loads of germs, then you come and dump them on me stay away from me. Daddy, you never have any sympathy for anybody but yourself. Cant you see i got the flu . Well, whose fault is that . I think its mr. Nixons fault. I think its mr. Nixons fault. Why . Well, making us put our thermostat down so low. It gets awful chilly upstairs at night. In their bedroom it aint never chilly. Come on. Very funny. Lets get a little dinner on the table here, huh, edith. Dinners all ready, archie. Im just waiting for mike to come home. Michael had a very important lecture he had to attend. Oh, well, listen, thats tough luck on him. We aint waiting. Come on, edith. Get it on, huh . All right. We always wait for you. That, little girl, is because i happen to be the breadwinner in this house. Your husband is the crumb. Here you are, archie. Im keeping mikes warm for him. Oh, look at this. Hey, this looks pretty good here, edith. Yeah, its beefandmushroom stew. Oh, beefandmushroom stew. Hey, jeez, thats something good here, edith. You really overdone yourself tonight here. Aww. Mmm. Delicious. Aint you gonna eat nothing here . Oh, no, i had a big lunch at the Womens League meeting at the church. I aint hungry yet. All right. Aint you got nothing to do, edith . I dont mind keeping you company. Edith, it makes me nervous to have you sitting here listening to me chew. Oh, no, archie, you aint hardly making any noise at all. [groans] hi. Edith oh, mike ill get your dinner right away. Oh, thanks, ma. Im hungry. The day you aint hungry, im gonna phone in the news to bigmouth cronkite. Thats funny, arch. Funny. Honey, whats the matter . Oh, michael, i ahchoo you got a cold you got a cold get away get away get away what kind of a greeting is that . Get away get away get away cant you see i feel terrible . Honey, this morning cant you see that im sick, that i have the flu . Daddy, do you hear the way hes talking to me . Hey, look, now, dont be blowing your bicromes over all the food here. I dont believe this. My own father pushes me away from the table. And my own husband, who i just stood up for before he came home, you know something, michael, i may be sick, but youre sick. Gloria, im sorry. Honey ill come up and sit with you. All right . Dinner, mike. Oh, thanks, ma. Did you say dinner was ready . Edith yeah. Ill be up in a minute, honey. Yeah, hell be up, honey, as soon as he fills his face here. Hey. Looks good, ma. What is it . Beefandmushroom stew. Mushrooms . Edith yeah. Ma, i dont think we ought to be eating mushrooms. Oh, jeez, listen to the ecrology nut over here. Mushrooms aint no endangered species. Nobodys going out shooting mushrooms. Didnt you see the article in todays paper . They recalled a whole batch of mushrooms because of food poisoning. [scoffs] oh, my i hope i aint poisoned you, archie. Dont be stupid. If youd poisoned me, id be heaving up all over the table. Archie. Ma, when did you buy these mushrooms . That was before the recall. The cans you bought might be some of the bad ones. Arch, i dont think you should be eating any more of that until we find out what kind of mushrooms these are. Listen, wise guy, if you think youre gonna ruin my dinner with all this bad news, youre wrong, because im already finished. Arch, im just telling you [belches] would you bring me my coffee over to the coffee table . All right. Arch, i think we ought to check out those mushrooms. And i think that you ought to check out of this here country. What . Youre always burnin down everything that america stands for. America stands for mushrooms . Get out of here. You and your heroes like that ralph nader, youre giving the whole country a pain in the butt. Arch, you ought to be grateful for ralph nader. Do you realize that before 1968 there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective, and do you realize that in 1974. Who cares . Nader cares, arch. And you should too. You drive a cab parttime. Ralph nader may save your life someday. How . By making people scared to ride with me . The only person thats deflective is nader. Nader aint doing the country no good. Oh, oh, oh. I get it. Whats good for General Motors is good for the country. Youre damn right. Both and ralph nader aint no good for General Motors no here you are, archie. Are you feeling anything yet . What . I mean, are the mushrooms getting to you . What, are you helping . No im feeling fine. I dont want to hear nothing more about mushrooms. Oh, thats good. Not necessarily, ma. If hes got botulism, the symptoms might not show for hours. If i got what . Botulism. Arch, botulism means food poisoning, and i think we ought to check those mushrooms. Oh, i think so too. What do you know about it . Hes nuts. Ill give you a for instance. How many different brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country . Oh, thousands. All right. And how many cans do you think are bought . Millions. So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans . What is it, 100 to 1 . What is that, the new math . Im glad youre all right, archie. One of the troubles with this country is that some little thing goes wrong, everybody panics. Oh, hi, honey. Honey. Im sorry. I was on my way up, really. Oh, thats all right, michael. I understand. Out of sight, out of mind. Oh. Honey, dont be that way. Yeah. Why . Oh, no. Did everybody eat it . No, just archie. Why are you asking . Well, because i was listening to the radio, and the news was just on, and they said that three people in queens are in the hospital with botulism from eating canned mushrooms. Huh . You hear that . Archie gloria you know what else they said . They said it was pocono mushrooms. Pocono. Well, all right, dont start a panic now, will you . Edith, what brand of mushrooms did you buy . I cant remember. Come on, come on, come on. Think, will you . Was they the poconos . Arch, take it easy. Dont panic. Will you stay out of this . Now, take it easy. Dont panic. Just think. Think. Yeah, im thinking. All i can remember is there was something funny about the name. Poconos a funny name. Whats funny about it . They had a pink label, and they was a bargain three for 59 cents. So i got three cans. Are you telling me that you put three cans of poison in my stew . Why dont you stay out of this . Edith, we got to check the cans and see what brand they were. What did you do with the cans . I put them in the garbage pail. You put them in the garbage pail . Look in that garbage pail in there. Get out of the way here. Let me look get out of the way there aint no garbage in the garbage pail oh, no, i put them in the trash can. Look in the trash can outside. Youre in the way, edith. Youre in the way. Youre in the way. Mike theres nothing here edith, there aint no garbage in the trash can. What are you doing . Im trying to tell you, archie, the garbage men came this morning. Well, why dont we call fergusons . They may not even carry pocono mushrooms. We got to call fergusons. Will you let me get in the door youre in the way again, edith. Youre in the way again. Youre in the way again gloria i know the number. Come on. Whats the number . Its five five. Five. Five. [sneezes] come on come on three. Three. One. One. Two. Two. Huh . Whats the rest of it . You only gave me six numbers i gave you seven numbers. You gave me six. One of those numbers was a sneeze will you get on with it . What do you want me to do . Do you see a sneeze on this dial . Start over, huh . Mike start over. Start over. Five, five, five. Mike five, five, five. Three. Three. One. One. Five. Oh, jeez, here she goes again whats the number . I forget aahhhh look it up in the phone book. Dont hang up the phone. Keep the line hot there. Give me the book. Ill look it up myself. I aint got my glasses on. I cant see. Wheres my glasses . Ferguson. Ferguson. Ferguson. Ferguson. Ferguson. F f i got it here it is here it is here it is both 5553152. Yeah. Well, will you dial the number . Five, five, five. Ah, ah. Archie hey, hey, hey dont you sneeze no more mike all right, shush. Its ringing its ringing hey uh, hello. Fergusons . Uh uh do you carry pocono mushrooms . You dont . Oh, jeez, im okay. Im in trouble, edith mike, ask them, did the can have a pink label . Yeah, did the pocono mushroom can have a pink label . With a little yellow on it. Yellow on it. A pinkandyellow label. Thanks. Oh, jeez, edith, i can almost feel the pain already. Daddy, what kind of a pain . What the hell kind of a pain do you think . A poison pain oh, sit down, archie. No dont sit down the worst thing you can do. Keep moving. Keep moving. Let me keep moving here. Why dont you lie down . Let me lay down, edith. Wait, wait do you want an enema . The poison is up here. It aint down there, edith put your jacket on. I aint cold. Come on were going to the Emergency Hospital. Emergency hospital . Lets go hurry up Emergency Hospital . Come on i want to go ah. Ah. Ah. I hope you aint in no hurry. We are. Well, youve come to the wrong place. They wont even look at you unless you drop dead. Are all these people ahead of us . Theyre ahead of you. Nobodys ahead of me dont talk to him. He probably got shot in a holdup. Next. Duffy. Joe duffy i dont believe it. Hey, hey, doc hey, doc, i got a poison pain knifing right through me here. Whats the matter with this man . He says he ate poison mushrooms. Yeah. Inside. Yeah, thanks, doc. Hey, doc, doc, doc, what about my arm . Hang on to it. Well, its all over, doc, but i think it starts around here these mushrooms you ate, they werent poconos, by any chance, were they . I got a bulletin on them today. Yeah, that was the kind i had, poconos. All right, dont panic. Do you have blurred vision . I dont know. I aint got my glasses. Let me try and read something here. Yeah, its blurred. Any lassitude . No, she never puts that in the stew, only the mushrooms. I mean, do you feel fatigued, tired . Oh, jeez, i could use sleep, doc. Well, we better not take any chances. Well, i hate to hustle you or anything listen, i want to be very careful with this antitoxin. The what . The antidote for botulism. Some people are very allergic to it. Is that right . Whats it do to someone . Well, reactions vary. In some cases it could cause arthritis. Oh. But the botulism, it can kill you, right . Very quickly. Oh, well, jeez, lets think about this, cause, see, i know a guy that can bowl with arthritis. Okay, lets go for the arthritis. All right, just relax and breathe steadily. Yeah, okay, doc, anything you say. [breathing deeply] am i doing okay, doc . Yeah, just fine. Good. Hey, let me ask you something. This anecdote you give, uh. How are you supposed to take that . Intravenously. Oh, thats good, because i can take anything off a spoon. I cant stand shots. I was worried, coming here on a bus, whether wed be here in time, you know, because it takes a long time from uh. Hey hey heyehheyhey heyeheheh hey hey hey. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey. Cant you walk behind me without bumping into my sore arm . I never touched it, arch. Daddy, daddy, are you all right . Ive been worried sick about you. Why didnt you call me from the hospital, let me know how you were . Jeez, it was terrible down at that hospital, little girl. But its okay. Youre gonna still have your daddy with you. Listen, help me over to the sofa there, huh . Okay. Arggh will you get away from me . Just my daughter, huh . Here, take me. Come on, daddy, come on. Come on. Here. All right. Help me into the sofa. Arggh get away from me daddy. Oh. Put the pillow back there, huh . There you go. Ahh. Thank you, my darling. Wheres ma . Oh, she stopped at fergusons to get some ice cream. Ice cream. Archie yeah. To cool down my burning guts. You know, i think hes delirious. He blew 4. 90 on a taxi. Wait a minute. You took a cab . Oh, thats all right. Im gonna charge them mushroom people with every dime of it. Of course, im gonna sue them for every dime theyve got. Here, you go get me the number of that law firm that i had the time i had the whiplash there. Oh, what was their name . Oh, jeez, i forget. Now, let me think. There was three jewish guys, all with the same name in the same family jewish name. Well, what do you want me to do . Look them up in the yellow pages under jewish lawyers . No, that would take too long. Go get the shoebox where your mother keeps all that useless paper. Theres a letter in there from that firm to me. I dont know, arch. I dont think you got much of a case. Ah, what are you talking about . Look at my hurt arm there. Look at the way my eyesight went blurry from the lastitude they put in them mushrooms. Arch, you still cant prove that you ate pocono mushrooms. In this country, the good old usa, a man still stands poisoned till hes proved healthy. Come on, get out of my chair. Youre not sitting in it. Your butt always changes the shape of it. Get out of there arggh you walked into me. Get away from oh oh. Arch, you still need evidence. What are you talking about . Look at all they put me through, huh. Look at the way i hurt all over. What about the sworn testiphony of your motherinlaw there . Thats evidence, buddy. We got a case. And let me tell you something. A case like that could be worth 20, 25, 50 grand. Im gonna make them mushroom people put their mouth where their money is. What do you mean by that . I mean that the bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory. How are they gonna do that . What do you mean, how . Aint you never heard of the olden days, in the days of kings . The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. Then the king went back to the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself. Daddy, i think i found it. Is this them . Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz Rabinowitz . Thats them, the three wise men. Now, meathead, youre gonna see some swift legal action. Get them on the blower for me there. At this time of night . Go on. Theyve got an answering service. Get them on the phone there. You wait and see now. [sneezes] ah, dont be spraying into the phone. What do you want to do . Give the three jews the flu . Give it to me, here. Archie, i got the most wonderful news. Save it, save it, im dialing a number here. At fergusons just now, i saw some of the same mushrooms you had for dinner, and i brought some of them home. Ohhoho, great work, edith. You hear that . Your motherinlaw just brought home the poisoned evidence. Wait. I thought they were all recalled. Only the poconos, mike. Thats the good news. Hold on. Is this the service . Hold on just a second. What . They got the same pink label as the poconos, but the yellow is just a special sticker that says 3 for 59. Aint it wonderful, archie . You werent poisoned at all. You werent poisoned at all. Tell rabinowitz forget it. We aint got no case thats wonderful, edith. Do you know what you done to us . You just cost us 50,000. Im sorry, archie. And where does that leave me . Walking around here with a lot of that antitoxin cruising through my system, looking for some disease to attack. Arch, better luck next time. Arggh mmmmmm. Daddy, you ought to try yours. I mean, why waste the shot you had . Its good to see you eating again, gloria. Im glad you shook off that terrible cold. Ah, clamp up, will you . Clamp up. She shook off the cold and then she shook it onto me. Captioning made possible by u. S. Department of education,phillips petroleum,alcoa foundation cocacola foundation, rockwell international, and Sony Corporation what would we do, baby without us what would we do, baby without us and there aint no nothing we cant love each other through what would we do, baby without us