No, really, we cant. But thanks for asking. Oh, have a good time. Yeah, bye, david. Uh, what was all that about . Oh, that was just david inviting us to a party hes having tonight. You said no . Why didnt you ask me . Why . You wanna go . Well, gloria, i said i felt like doing something tonight. Oh, honey, im sorry. Its just, well, the folks are gonna be out tonight, and i sort of took it for granted youd wanna stay home with me. Yeah, well, lately youve been taking a lot of things for granted. Oh, michael, dont be like that. Come on yeah, all right. Hes got her on his lap already. Hell be turning our home into a massage parlor. Archie, is that all you think we do when youre out of the house . Oh, no. I think you do it sometimes when im in the house. Edith archie, we better go. Yeah, all right. Im coming, im coming. Archie, for your information, what gloria and i do behind closed doors is none of your business. Theres no reason for you to snigger. What was that i heard from you, you big pinko liberal . Dont you know that the delicate word for that is snegro . Bye, ma. Have a good time. Edith bye whoopdeedoo, theyre gone. I was showing you the elevator dance. Elevator going up hey, hey, gloria take it easy. My back, my back. Ow, ow, ow. Michael, you used to love it when i did this. Iii still do. Its just i wasnt set for it. I know what it is. Its davids party. Is that it . Well, our marriage is an equal partnership, fiftyfifty, right . Ill call david back. No, no, no. Thats all right. You dont have to. I made my point. You understand that you were wrong, and i understand that you were wrong. See, thats the beauty of our relationship. We both have an open mind. Now, uh, whatll it be tonight, watch a little television, huh . No, honey, we dont need television. Lets talk. All right, talk. What do you want to talk about . You said i have an open mind. Is that what first attracted you to me, my mind . No, as a matter of fact, it was your pockets. What . The first time i saw you, you were wearing those tight jeans with the cute little pink pockets in the back. Those were the best walkingaway pants i ever saw. I fell in love with the way those cute little pink pockets walked away. Yeah . Yeah . Then when you turned around, i fell in love with the rest of you. When you started to speak, you almost ruined the whole thing. Im kidding. Kidding. Kidding. Gloria, i knew the first time i saw you that underneath that little orphan annie hairdo you used to wear there lurked a mind. And i knew that underneath all that hair and the mustache and that beard you used toear, there lurked a face, a beautiful face, which im taking with me. Uh, where . Where are you going . Upstairs. We were having such a nice conversation. Why do you want to end it . Whos ending it . Well talk on the way. I forgot what i was talking about. You broke my concentration. I lost my whole trend of thought. You wanna play checkers . Checkers . Wont that break your trend of thought . No, no, no. See, i play much better when i think. I think and i play better. You just sit over there, ill get the checkers. I dont want to play checkers. All right, forget checkers. You dont want to play checkers . Youre the one who wants to stay home. What do you wanna do . Quit kidding around, gloria. Well watch television. No, honey, come on. Lets make our own fun. Another bride another june another sunny honeymoon another season another reason for makin whoopee a lot of shoes a lot of rice the groom is nervous he answers twice its really killing that hes so willing to make whoopee now do you wanna go upstairs . No. Michael, whats the matter . Nothing the matter. I just dont feel like going upstairs. You havent felt like going upstairs i dont understand. Is something wrong . Gloria, theres nothing wrong. I just ive had a lot of important things on my mind. Like what . Well, like, uh, for instance, uh. The energy crisis. Oh well, then i get it. Its not that youre being indifferent to me, youre just being patriotic. What are you talking about . Youre conserving energy. Look, gloria, you dont understand. You bet i dont understand. Youve been acting really strange tonight. I used to run and jump and throw my legs around you, and you loved it. Tonight it was, look out for my back. You always used to wait for me. You never jumped until i said, ready, set, go. Oh so thats what was missing, ready, set, go. I cant jump until you speak. What are you, my trainer . No im your husband and youre my wife. And to be perfectly honest with you, gloria, lately you have been coming on a little bit too strong. Oh, so now its all coming out well, go ahead, michael get it all off your chest. All right, you asked for it. Youre gonna get it. You say its four weeks . All right, four weeks. I think its longer. But we are hardly in bed with the lights off and. There you are. What is wrong with that . Did you ever stop to think that maybe im not in the mood . , how am i supposed to know whether or not youre in the mood . Youll know when i make the advances. Thats how youll know i dont believe thats you talking believe it, gloria, because lately, i dont know who the man is around here. What . And im gonna tell you something else. For the last four weeks and i think its longer. Some of those times, i didnt really have a headache. Then why didnt you just tell me the truth instead of making up such a cheap excuse . Because i didnt want to hurt your feelings. Well, what do you think youre doing right now . If two people really love each other, whats the difference who makes the first move . A big difference the man doesnt like to be chased. Its more natural for him to be the pursuer. Hold it hold everything. Didnt you just say we had an equal partnership, fiftyfifty . Yeah. Yeah. Everything is fiftyfifty. But im the fifty that should be heard from first that is typical malesuperiority garbage hey, hey, gloria no, no if we are equal, we are equal partners everywhere, and that includes the bedroom. Dont you see that goes against nature . I mean, take the animal kingdom. The male is always in charge. Oh, yeah . Did you ever hear of a king bee . What . Its the female who runs the hive. That is strictly for breeding purposes. Okay, then what about the black widow spider . She does all the chasing. She decides on the mating. You see what happens when a woman takes charge . Gloria, that is the whole point of our civilization. Look how far weve come from the spiders i dont believe it. We got the whole house to ourselves, and were talking about spiders gloria, look, all im trying to say all im trying to say is that a mans sex drives are different oh, dont tell me about your drives, michael. Mine are just as strong as yours. And if it gives me pleasure once in a while to be the pursuer, the least you can do is deliver. Wait just a second here. Wait just a second i have not finished. Now, you call yourself progressive. But when it comes to women, youre still working on the old double standard. If a man comes on strong, hes a great lover, a casanova, but if its a woman, shes a nymphomaniac. Look, gloria. Take tonight, for example. You didnt want to go to the movies. I didnt force you to go to the movies. Now, i should get that same consideration. If i have certain preferences hangups. If i have certain preferences hangups. Preferences. Hangups. Preferences preferences hangups hangups thats it thats it i cant talk to you anymore i cant talk to you because youre hysterical michael, look whos calling who hysterical. Youre a wild woman, gloria youre a wild woman ill give you a chance to calm down and cool off im going for a walk thats all right, michael. Dont bother ill go out for the walk. No, no, youre not going anywhere. I said i was going. Im going. Dont tell me what to do if i wanna go for a walk, ill go youre not going anywhere, gloria. It was my idea, im going first oh, Michael Honey whats the matter . Spider [door opens slams] oh, did you want to talk to me . No. Did you want to talk to me . No. I thought you wanted to talk to me. Whered you get that idea . You dont wanna talk . No. Fine. The talk is over. Gloria, where the hell have you been . Out. I know, out. Where, out . Just out. It is after midnight. Youve been gone for over five hours. Thats not just out, thats way out. Now, i wanna know where youve been. All right, fine. You dont wanna talk about it . Thats fine with me. Im going to show you that im a bigger person than you, gloria. Im going to tell you where ive been. Im going to tell you everything that happened to me tonight. Im going to open up completely to you. Okay, but let me get another glass of milk first. Gloria i just told you i was going to open up completely all you can think about is another glass of milk . I can listen and drink at the same time. Go ahead. No, no, no, no. You finish what youre doing first. I want your complete attention. Youve got my attention. Thank you. I want to tell you that. I had a very unusual experience tonight, gloria. Very unusual. I went to davids party. Yeah, and you probably gloria i was just talking to you in there. I heard everything you said. You had a very unusual experience tonight. Go ahead. Yeah. I was feeling very depressed about you walking out on me. There were a lot of people there, all having a good time. I sat all by myself in a corner, just staring off into space. And then suddenly i heard this soft voice, saying, would you care for a drink . I looked up. And there, standing in front of me, was a beautiful girl. I dont mean cutiepie beautiful. I mean beautiful. She had black hair. It was parted right down the middle and pulled straight back. She looked just like a ballerina. With a name to go with it. Felicia. Hows that for a name, huh . Felicia. Its a beautiful name. You betcha. Beautiful. Felicia yeah. Well, naturally, i did the polite thing. I asked her to sit down. You know what she did . She sat down. But do you know how she sat down . Right on the floor at my feet. Dogs do that a lot too. All right, gloria. You make fun if you want. But im telling you that it was beautiful. I dont know how to explain it, but there was instant communication between us. Oh, i can explain it. You talked and she listened. I knew this was going to be rough on you. Im about to tell you, though, theres more to this story. I took her home. Uh, uh just let me finish the story, please. Dont interrupt. I took her to her place, stood out there on the sidewalk. It was a beautiful moment, gloria. Just the two of us, looking into each others eyes. And she waited, without asking you hear me . You hear me . Without asking, she waited for me to make the decision. I want to tell you something, gloria. No, i want to tell you something. You just let me finish here i want to tell you that for the first time in four weeks and i think its longer. I enjoyed a true manwoman relationship. Well, i am glad. Because it makes it a lot easier for me to tell you that i met someone tonight too. Huh . Someone i was very attracted to. Huh . When i left the house tonight, i walked for a long time, and i got really cold. So i stopped for a cup of coffee. I was very angry and upset, and i wasnt paying any attention to what i was doing. And i spilled my coffee all over my lap. Yeah, well, forget the coffee. What about the man . Well, he was sitting right next to me at the counter. And when i spilled my coffee, he took out his handkerchief and dipped it in a glass of water and started to clean the stain off my lap. Off your lap . Yeah, and then he bought me another cup of coffee, and we sat in a booth, and we talked. You moved to a booth . With a complete stranger, you moved to a booth . Thats just it, michael. It wasnt like he was a stranger. He was such a good listener. He had an instinctive understanding of women. He was very intelligent. You know what he said about us . What . Well, he said that most men are rather vain about their masculinity, and that my husband might be feeling threatened forget that, forget that i dont care what he said. No, i think its important that i tell you everything that happened. Theres more . Yes. When we left the coffee shop, he insisted on walking me to the bus stop. We stood on the corner saying goodbye. And he made a pass at you. No, it wasnt like that at all. No, it was one of the most Beautiful Moments ive ever experienced. He stood there waiting, a real man, secure in his own masculinity, aware of what my needs might be, and you know what i did . You made the first move. You bet i did. You made the first move i threw my arms around him and kissed him. You you kissed a perfect stranger on a Street Corner . No, right on the lips. You kissed him on the lips . michael, it wasnt because i loved him no, no, no, no you kissed him on the lips. You kissed him on the lips. Michael stivic i listened to your story. Yeah, but thats just it, gloria. Thats just what mine was, a story. It didnt really happen. I didnt go to davids party tonight. You wanna know the truth, where i really went . You wanna know what really happened while you were standing on a Street Corner throwing yourself at some strange mans lips . I was sitting all alone in a lousy, crummy neighborhood Movie Theater watching a rotten double feature. You might have enjoyed it if youd stayed in your seat. How do you know how many trips i made to the candy counter . Because i was in that crummy theater, sitting four rows behind you, munchmouth. Then that whole story about the man with the coffee stain, the kiss on the lips, you made that up . Thats right, michael, just like you made up your story about your girlfriend, felicia. Its a beautiful name. Michel, i made up that story to show you that if im attracted to you, whats wrong with me letting you know that . Honey. If two people really love each other, it doesnt matter who starts things as long as they get started, doesnt that make sense . Yeah. Good. Oh, michael, mustard. Oh. It was delicious. Gloria, if you. Still wanna play ready, set, go, im. Im willing. Whoopdeedoo. Ready, set hold it, hold it, hold it, michael. Fiftyfifty. Youre right, youre right. You go first. Ready. Set. What did i tell you, huh . [remembering you playing] announcer all in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience. Boy, the way glenn miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made those were the days and you knew where you were then mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again didnt need no welfare state everybody pulled his weight gee, our old lasalle ran great hey, ma, you think daddys gonna like his Surprise Birthday Party . Oh, yeah, hes gonna love it. How can you be so sure hell like being surprised . Oh, he told me. Huh . When did he say that . Yesterday morning when i asked him. That that means that daddy knows about his birthday party. Yeah, its safer that way. Look at the time its 10 after 5. The guests will be here in 20 minutes twenty minutes . That way well be ready to shout surprise at archie when he gets home at 6. Oh. Wed better get ready. Oh hi, everybody how are you . Wow well, heres archies birthday present. Thank you, louise. What a beautiful box what did you get him, louise . Oh, its not my present to archie. Its ediths. Yeah, louise kept it over at her house so archie wouldnt find out what it was. What is it, edith . Oh, i cant tell you. Its a secret. But its something archie has always wanted. Well, its too big to be a brain transplant. Oh, mike well, ive got to be getting back. Remember, all of your guests are meeting over at my house first. Justin quigley and jo are already there. Oh right. Whos Justin Quigley and jo . Oh, honey, dont you remember . Theyre our new grandparents. We adopted them. Oh, thats right the old man that ma found Walking Around the street in his pajamas. Yeah. Well, im taking off. Wait a minute, louise i want you to look at the cake. There what do you think . Its beautiful. Frank lorenzo iced it for me. Happy 50th birthday, archie. I made up the words myself. Nice. Well, save me a big piece, edith. Who cares if it ruins this gorgeous sylphlike figure . [laughs] ciao, amigos. I better hide this in the closet. Yeah, good idea. Yeah. [edith gasping] Archie Archie wait a minute wait a minute where are you going, huh . Daddy, we didnt expect you home so soon. Yeah, its only 10 past 5. Oh, look at this. The meathead finally learned to tell time. Here i am, archie you come running at me like you was a linebacker. What kind of a greetings that . [sweetly] oh, hello, archie. But you aint supposed to be here til 6. All right, so im early. So what . Oh, i told everybody to come at 5 30 so they could surprise you. And you promised you wouldnt come til 6 to be surprised. How can we surprise you when youre here . You broke your promise to be surprised. I didnt break my promise. It was an act of god. An act of god . Thats right, you atheist, you we shut down early today because there was a power cut. Oh, well, then, that wasnt god. That was an act of con edison. Well, who do you think runs con edison . Youre not gonna say god. Well, certainly, little girl. If you knew your bible, youd know that. God said, let there be light, and told edison to invent the bulb. I didnt think it could be done, but you did it, arch. But what are we gonna do about the Surprise Party . Just forget the surprise, edith, and give the party. Oh, no, archie oh, come on, will you . I already had one Surprise Party today anyhow. You had a Surprise Party today . Yeah, down at work. Oh and i knew that one was coming too, the minute i seen that jerk stretch cunningham in the locker room, trying to put a 6inch candle on top of a twinkie. We got you your favorite cake. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have been there, edith. All them guys at lunchtime gathering around there, wishing me happy birthday, blowing out the candle there. It made you proud to be an american. It must have been hard, cutting up that twinkie into all them little slices. Use your common sense. They shoved it into me in one piece. The thing that was hard i had to say, what . Who . Me . Sounds like the social event of the season. Cut it out, will you . A mans got a right to his 49th birthday, aint he . Fiftieth, archie. No, it aint 50. Im 49. Youre 50, daddy. How can i be 50 on my 49th birthday . Because its your 50th birthday. No, it aint yes, it is. Hey there, little girl. I know how old i am. And it aint 50. Archie, i can prove that youre 50. How are you gonna do that . It says so on your birthday cake. Says so on your birthday cake. Well, im telling you that the cake is a liar arch, what difference does it make whether youre 49 or 50 . Ah, get away from me, you. Dont be trying to shove me over the hill ahead of my time. Fiftys not over the hill. Twentyfive. Daddy, we could have made a mistake. We could check your birth certificate. Dont waste your time. Hey, ma, wheres daddys birth certificate . I think its in the box next to all your baby shoes. Okay. Lets settle it. There aint nothing to settle, little girl. I told you, dont waste your time. Look at the time the guests will be here any minute what are we gonna do . Let them in. No no, archie. We cant. Youre here. Yeah, im here, sure. Because its my party. Arch, dont you see . These parties are not just for the guy being surprised. See, youre the surprisee. But these parties are also for the surprisers. Well, if im the surprisee, then ipso fatso, youre the jerkee. No, archie, we gotta think of the guests. Mikes right. No, he aint. Mike is dumb. All they gotta do is show up with the presents. But, arch, its psychological. Ha ha ha. Psychological once more we hear from dr. Sigmund freus. Arch, dont you see how upset these people are gonna be if you take away their chance to shout surprise . Yeah, archie, theyve all been looking forward to shouting at you. Gloria hey, ma is this the box . Oh, yeah. Im sure its in here. Archie, look heres that picture of you in the army. Foggia, italy, 1944. Archie, if we knew how old you were then, we could figure out how old you are now. I know how old i am now fortynine today. Now, lets forget this. Will you do something useful and get me a beer . [doorbell rings] oh, its them its the guests [all yelling] gloria give me your arm. What do you want me to do . Put on your coat you gotta go out the back door and in the front like youre coming home from work. And would you please act surprised . Come on, come on i can get out the door myself [doorbell rings] theyre at the door coming coming oh, hi [all exchanging greetings] oh, irene, have you met mr. And mrs. Quigley . Oh, yeah, sure. Over at louises house. Only its still not mister and missus, edith. Oh, no, were still not married. And staying that way. Im sorry. Then this is mr. Quigley and miss nelson. No, its ms. Ms. Ms. Daddy will be here any minute. Everybody sit down. Here he comes oh, here he comes edith out of sight you open the door, gloria. Oh, okay. Thats right. Shh hi, daddy ma, daddys home all surprise hey, hey, hey. Jeez. What . Who . Me . Arch, i just found your birth certificate. Happy 50th birthday, arch. All happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear archie happy birthday to you you know, i still dont understand. Why didnt archie stay . I thought it was his birthday. I think the surprise was too much for him. I guess hes just taking a walk around the block. For two hours . Maybe hes forgotten his way home. Ive found that a lot of youngsters have poor memories nowadays. Well, hell be here. Lets all have a good time. Hey, will you get off the phone there, kelsey, and come and pour me a beer . Sorry to keep you waiting, arch, but that was kinda important. Yeah. Its my birthday. I got to spend it sitting here looking at you. Your birthday, huh . Well, seeing this is a special day for you, that is on the house. Happy birthday to you. Oh, its a lousy birthday for me. Oh, gee, im sorry you feel that way, arch. Say, how old are you today . Fiftyfive . Fiftysix . Kelsey what . Im 49. No kidding. Well, you sure could have fooled me well, listen, what are you going to do to celebrate . Nothing. Ive been to the movies. What did you see . Uh. The last tango in paris. Arch, i hear thats kind of sexy, huh . You know, i went in there thinking they was bringing back one of them nice old movies. You know, gene kelly dancing around the eiffel tower in a sailor suit. All i seen was pure pornography. Well, aint that sexy . No, it aint sexy. The last time they made a sexy picture was with gloria dehaven. Gloria dehaven made sexy movies . Yeah. She made sexy movies. I tell you another one too, betty grable. And she was sexy. But, you see, her, she never showed you no sex, you know . What do you mean . What do i mean . She left it in your mind. Thats where sex ought to be. No. Not for me, arch. No. Nnnot for you. I aint talking about you. Im talking about the movies. Do you know that they once insured Betty Grables legs for 1 million . No. I wouldnt give you two bits for marlo brandons legs. Or any other parts of him i just seen featured. I get the feeling you didnt like that movie. It was so filthy, i nearly walked out of it. Hey hello there, mrs. Bunker oh, jeez hello, mr. Kelsey. And what brings you down here . Well, it was your phone call. Ahhahaha aint nothing sacred no more . Whatever happened to a mans bar is his castle . Archie, dont blame mr. Kelsey. Mike called him and asked him to phone us if you came in here. Oh, the meathead done that. I suppose that makes it all right. Oh, archie, we was worried about you. Come on back to the party. No i aint going not if i have to be 50. What are you standing there for . Long as youre here, you might as well sit down. Hey, kelsey, bring me over another beer here and an orange crush for the missus. Oh, archie, everybodys waiting for you. Its your birthday party. Listen, that aint my birthday party. My birthday is 49. Fifty gee. Fifty makes me think of all the things i aint done yet. Like what, archie . Well, for instance, i never rode a horse. I never had my picture in the paper. And i aint never ate oysters rockefeller. But youve been to disney world. Edith, you just dont know what im trying to say to you, do you . Oh, yeah, i think i do, archie. I read about it in a magazine. It said that lots of men go through it at a certain age. I mean, its like when i went through the change. What . You know. The menopause. Shush here we go. And this is for our birthday boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking oh, dont do no more of that. When it happens to a woman its called menopause. Edith will you please, huh . When it happens to men, maybe it should be called womenpause. Listen, i aint going through no change. Thats it [sighs] jeez, its getting hot in here. Hey, kelsey, do you have to keep this joint like a furnace . It aint that oh, archie i almost forgot i brought you your birthday present. Huh . What . A present . Yeah. Open it. See what it is. Look at the size what is it, edith . Its something youve always wanted. Hey, aint that nice . The box and all. Oh, oh. Oh gee, edith. Aint that beautiful . A sixstring ukulele. Just just like arthur godfreys. Oh, yeah, i remember. Jeez, thanks, edith. Happy birthday, archie yeah. Well, what the hell good is it . I cant play it. Because god made the stars to shine because god made the ivy twine because god made the sky so blue that is the reason why i love gloria oh, ma, did you find daddy . Oh, yeah. I found him. Where is he . What happened . Didnt he come back with you . No. Well, what did he say . He said, everybody, go home. The partys over. All oh, no. Does that mean we cant eat the cake . Then when my kid was six years old oh, gee. He was in the School Nativity play. Now, he practices all week as the innkeeper. Then the night they put the show on, he forgets his lines. When joseph and mary ask him if theres any room at the inn, you know what my kid says . No. What . He says, sure, were empty. Come on in. Come on, arch. Its pretty funny. Oh, hi. Kelsey evening, mr. Quigley. Oh, hi there, quigley. Hey, wheres your girlfriend . Ah, she went home by cab. I felt like walking. I want one for the road. Whatll it be . A glass of ripple. Uh, gee, i think were out of it. Oh. In that case, make it a boilermaker. Hey there, quigley, youre out a little bit past your beddybyes, aint you . Yeah, but i thought, well, im up this late, i may as well hang around for my birthday. Its your birthday too . At midnight, ill be 83 years old. Ooh. Eightythree. Did you hear that . And youre still celebrating birthdays . Looking forward to it. You know what jos giving me tomorrow . A set of frenchlanguage records. Youre going to start learning french . Something i always wanted to do. You mean to tell me well, you never know. You know the old saying, a rolling stone. Yeah. Can give you a hell of a bruise. Hey, let me ask you something, quigley. Did you ever ride a horse . Not til i was 63. Sixtythree . Mmm. What about a ukulele . I dont think you can ride a ukulele. I didnt mean that. I mean, uh, me. That i was thinking maybe id learn how to play one. Oh, yeah . Yeah. You know, play some of them nice songs like home on the range, south of your border. Red sails in the sunset. Oh, yeah. Modern stuff. Mmhmm. You ought to hear the songs i was brought up with. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You hear what hes calling us here . You and me, young sprigs. [laughs] well, maybe to him we are young sprigs, huh, kels . And after all, maybe we are. Sure. You know what im just thinking now . The best thing to do is not look back at the past at all. Just get up and move with the times. Mmm. Ill try to remember that. Hey, listen, back at the house, that birthday cake back there. Did they swallow it all . Oh, no. They saved a big piece for you. Yeah . Come on lets go get it. Oh, that wont be necessary. You just hold on for a minute. Huh . Hey, come on in, gang here we are all happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear archie hello. Im jerry mathers. I was the beaver in leave it to beaver. A few years later, i was a type 2 diabetic. But im not anymore. Diabetes causes neuropathy, blindness, and amputation. At its worst, it can kill you. Today i want you to have a look at an amazing breakthrough that has stopped diabetes in its tracks for over 200,000 people just like you and me. Now you can do the same thing, because its all spelled out in a very special system called the diabetes solution kit. I urge you to try this allnatural, doneforyou program so you can finally live independent captioning made possible by u. S. 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