What a nice good crowd. We have a good show for you. Im Johnny Carson, the surrogate father of talk show hosts everywhere. [ laughter ] boy, you had a green jacket last night, now you have a bright red one. Were going through all of the basic colors. What tomorrow . Puce tomorrow . Is puce a color . Or is that something you do, i dont know. Anyway this is the tonight show. And up until now this is the only Birth Control device the networks will allow on the air. [ laughter ] have you been following that controversy . They want to start advertising, some independent television stations are going to advertise condoms. And its created a lot of controversy. Moral grounds and so forth. The networks are not ready to go along with it yet. How do you feel about it . Do you think they should be allowed to do that . [ cheers and applause ] i tell you what, to the commercials. [ laughter ] they ask a thousand doctors [ laughter ] what protection they would use if they were stranded on a dessert island with dean martins gold diggers. [ laughter ] anyway, i dont know if it will happen or not. Did you see the cover of news week . Do you know who is on the cover of news week magazine . Vanna white. Yo vanna white made the cover of news week, what is happening to news magazines . [ laughter ] i got a promotional thing for the National Review the other a day. And they said if you subscribe now you will get the george will beef stake calendar. [ laughter ] okay. You want your money back . Well, we did it, [ cheers and applause ] yeah. I think dolly parton was the first to say that. [ laughter ] we won all four in a row, didnt we . We won all four in a row. Im in a nutty mood tonight. I dont know why. Do you think Shirley Maclaine will ever do commercials for nine lives cat food . [ laughter ] [ applause ] well, if you have been fol [ laughter ] if you have been following the news Ferdinand Marcos have you seen his latest attempt to regain control of the philippines. He hasnt giving up. Today he established a beach head on gilligans island. Marco says he has established a foothold in the philippines. I think in the same sense as argentina has established a foothold in the falklands. [ laughter ] the weirdest thing, did you the home videotape im not making it up a Ferdinand Marcos made a home videotape of him doing exercises, to show that he was physically right to have the stamina and he is vigorous enough to rule the philippines the high point was when he bench pressed imeldas American Express bill. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and then [ laughter ] and then [ laughter ] and for a finish he cleaned and jerked her entire collection of shoe trees. I mean man. [ laughter ] it has been a bad week for marcos, not only did the invasion fail but his exercise video is being outsold by Oprah Winfreys workout tape. [ laughter ] he wont give up. Today he was arrested wearing a white wig, found him in the philippines, claiming he was phil donahue doing a week of shows in manila. Speaking of phil donahue, have the shows he has done in russia been shown back here yet he went to russia and he finished taping a week of shows in the soviet union. And he did his usual hardhitting shows in the first one he sticks his mic in lennons face and he said you are stuck in this country, and they wont let you out. How do you feel . Lennon is dead. [ laughter ] i like that. What . [ laughter ] [ applause ] put up the sail and lets get out of here . [ laughter ] anyway, they the cultural shock didnt seem to bother donahue, he was able to find over there six transvestite dwarfs, you know. Phil was really stretching for shows over there, for themes. With a granddaughters of carl and chico marx. [ laughter ] carl marx is dead too. [ laughter ] so is chico. [ laughter ] you like this, done you . You really like this . [ laughter ] anyway we have got a good show tonight. We really do. Later on lateren evangelist, Pat Robertson will be out here and tell us he doesnt know whether he will run for president because god has him on hold because of oral roberts. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] anyway, tonight, funny funny gentle, mr. George carlin is here. [ cheers and applause ] and two pretty women, loving actress Susan Sullivan who has been with us before. Is here tonight. [ applause ] and a young lady who is making her first appearance, she is on its a living, and appears occasionally on l. A. Law, her name is sheryl lee ralph. She is here tonight. So stay where you are, and well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] okay. We are back. [ cheers and applause ] yeah here we are back with our prerehearsed show. [ laughter ] some guy in the audience asked if he prerehearse. No, we dont. If we have a sketch, we will. But not in front of the audience. Straight ahead. Just the crew. Which gives you a false reading. Because the crew sometimes we do the sketch, and they have seen the sketch. And they are the only ones saving us, so. Anyway, we have tonight george carlin, Susan Sullivan and the sheryl did you match any of the american cup yes, i did. They carried our many hours . Every night, it was on every night. All i got to see was the guy doing this. They take it from the bow do you understand what a 12meter yacht is . No i do not. Does any body understand what a 12meter yacht is . How they determine that . I thought it was the length. But apparently thats not it has nothing to do with the length of the yacht. Its based on some formula, has to do with does anybody in the audience know . No. It has a complicated formula, it has to do with the beam and the deem of the keel, and they take that three times point something and nobody understands what they are talking about. But mainly we won. Yes, with we did. Yeah. Four out of four. Its only. All right, got to i should have done this afternoon. It is nice that you do these. cause a lot of people dont do this, lots of big celebrities just dont find time, multimillion dollars star has time to do this kind of work for free. You dont get paid for this, do you . [ laughter ] did you think i couldnt set this up. Im just complimenting you. Im not trying to help you to set it up, they know what it is. Its a Public Service announcement. Thats right. You have done them. Sure. For the boy scouts, you get them for the Internal Revenue went around to celebrities asking them to do Public Service announcements. To help people to file their income tax on time and all of that they sent some over this afternoon, i didnt have time to do them. You have been so busy. [ laughter ] so if you dont mind they sent over the copy, put it on cue cards. Havent had the time to read them over, so im going to do this is unrehearsed. [ laughter ] [ applause ] so they call this in the business a cold reading. You just come in and you havent seen the copy, so well do this and then go on to the regular show. This is not part of the show. Thats a copout. [ laughter ] because if this doesnt work, service aint going to listen to okay, so how many of these have we got to do, bob . About three or four . You have got five. Okay. Lets go ahead and start. You get a chance this is kevin quinn by the way, our stage manager. [ applause ] [ laughter ] what am i supposed to do . Slate them. Slate them. Psa 1, take 1. Hi, this is Johnny Carson with a plea to all jewish mothers within the sound of my voice. Times have changed and some of the old ways have to change with them. With what we now know about the dangers of cholesterol, how can you in good conscious continue to feed thick fatladen chicken soup to children with head colds . For a free booklet containing healthier soup alternatives send a stamped envelope to the bnai broth, [ laughter ] yenta, maryland. [ applause ] see i had one little flub in there. But it looks natural. What . Okay, kevin. Psa number 2. Take 1. Are you aware television evangelists like oral roberts who solicits cash donations from the public, face a very serious occupational hazard in handling filthy money. Thats true money is loaded with bacteria and germs. This is Johnny Carson urging that before you send cash to a tv evangelist, you boil those bucks. For more information on cleaning currency, write to oral hygiene, tulsa, oklahoma, 74749. [ cheers ] psa number 3, take 1. Hi, Johnny Carson with a question for you urban are you unhappy with your city mayor . Been too slow . Has he refused to fix your latest parking ticket. Well why wait until the next elections, why not get together with Good Neighbors who feel the same way and overthrow him. Now is the time to do it, because theres a good replacement waiting in the wing. Im talking of course about Ferdinand Marcos. Hes got proven leadership experience and his wife imelda will give a tremendous boost to the local economy. By buying up every pair of ladies shoes in the local area, so why not make marcos your mayor . Have some pity, give him a city. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] psa number 4, take 1. Recently marineland announced that it will soon be closing. Unfortunately this will put only hardworking whales out of work. Because of their size their options are somewhat limited. Whales cant operate a Computer Keyboard or drive a cab, but theres one job they can do and your home while you are on vacation. Just set one on your front lawn, a burglar is going to think twice before passing your sonny pass a 75 ton mammal with teeth as big as a honda. And they can water your grass with their blow hole. This is Johnny Carson remaining you Southern California home owners this summer hire the humpbacked. [ cheers and applause ] our Public Service announcement. And now, on with our regular show. Yes. [ laughter ] george carlin, Susan Sullivan, and sheryl lee ralph, and we will have a word from [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] okay. [ cheers and applause ] okay. Portion of our show. George carlin is one of the more inventive bizarre comedians around for many years, and he is finally got to the movie business, he is appearing in the few film outrageous fortune with bette midler and shelley long which i think just opened all over the country. Would you welcome george carlin. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] it has been a long time, you would think i would know this mark by now. How are you, everybody . Nice to see you. [ applause ] good. Thats nice, responsive. Thats nice. John i did it again. I ate at the commissary again, and im getting to like that place. This is the third time in a row now since i came over here recently. Im getting to like that place, any restaurant where they serve the individual bottles of kaopectate right at the table. [ laughter ] and the menu is different now, the menu has changed know about the merger . The commissary was taken over by a big conglomerate, the International House of monosodium glutamate. [ laughter ] i understand it was an unfriendly takeover the negotiators ate there while they are were going through the deal. What i had tonight very nice, the sweet and sour bat groin. [ laughter ] had the wombat cacciatore because i do like the italian food. And theyre right up to the times over there, the Cajun Cuisine is quite the thing there now, they had blackened goldfish. [ laughter ] and if you want something nice and light, after the show, the smoked gorilla loaf. [ laughter ] and another unusual thing now, i guess its the influence of the new company, they have an international breakfast. French toast, english muffin, spanish omelet, belgium waffles, swedish pancakes, danish pastries, canadian bacon, and irish coffee. For a buck. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah, they i think they were going to include hungarian goulash, but the chef, horst put his foot down. I dont want to tell you where he put it, but he did. Now, im a person see i dont wait, i dont wait, i know whats happening. [ laughter ] i do like eating out. Thats a part of my life these days, i like eating out and im hard to please. Im kind of hard to please. Im well, im not a complete vegetarian, im sort of a semi vegetarian. I will only eat an animal if it was killed in combat. [ laughter ] but i do like finding new restaurants because i like to tell other people you know, tell them about new places i found. Here is a tip when you are restaurant hunting here is a little tip on how much a restaurant might cost if the word cuisine is in the ad, its probably high priced place. If it says food, fairly moderate, and of course eats for about a dollar. [ laughter ] some of the new places i have found over here in the valley, johnny will be interested in this, joeys house of toast. [ laughter ] [ applause ] they have come up apparently with 400 different ways to serve toast, and my favorite is toast on a bun. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its really good. Yeah. Its its a little doughy, but otherwise. [ laughter ] also another place out here this is an unusual restaurant, shorty and buds restaurant for the unclean. [ laughter ] you want to bring your own dishware when you go out to shorty and buds. Now on the other end of the spectrum, Beverly Hills has a new place for anorexics, its called nothing for me, please. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its real nice place, no waiters no silverware, you just sit and talk. Now, liking restaurants as much as i do i got into the Restaurant Business for a while, i wasnt that successful with it. Its not easy to be a success in the Restaurant Business. My first place that i had i think i had the wrong concept, all you can eat to go. [ laughter ] then i changed it to all you can eat for 500. People didnt like that either. [ laughter ] but then i came up with something i thought surely would work, it was a drivethrough chili restaurant, it wasnt the same as like jack in the box or something. This one you didnt even slow down, we would just shoot the chili at you from a shotgun. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah. The kids loved it, and the car wash really loved it. [ laughter ] but eating out is fun only if you make it fun. You have got to ask for unusual things. Ask them do you serve cow feet, stuff like that. Ask them if you can get a wheat lady fingers. Get a bowl of Artificial Flavor and a glass of food coloring. Substitute, ask them if you can substitute. Say can i substitute something . Well, yes. Okay, instead of the parsley i would like lobster tail. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the pepper mill is a lot of fun. The guy is always coming around with a pepper mill, you know what you should say, you want some pepper . Yeah, sure, go ahead. Let the guy go for about eight or nine minutes, you know . And then say okay thats enough. And then when he is doing someone else, say oh, too much pepper on this. Send it back, thats the sign of a sophisticate. Tell them say this roast beef taste like ponce deleons socks. [ laughter ] and another thing you want to try and do, ask them for something a little bit off beat like say just you have skim milk . And hell say gee, i dont know, i have to go back and ask. Yes we have skim milk, say thats okay. I dont like skim milk anyway. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] eating out. Good stuff. Funny stuff. Good to be here. I was in a restaurant last night where they did the reading where the guy gives the description. Thats the in thing, especially out here. Yes. They dont print it for you. No. Todays specials. And they have nine specials and you cant remember the first one after he gets through the second one. Why do they do that . Why dont they print them out so you can read them . Well they havent heard some of my tips. If they listen, you know ill probably get into some of that. Helping restaurants out. Good. We have hooked them now. Well do this, [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] okay. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you again. Thank you, good to be here, john. Yeah, what is new in your life . Well talk about the movie in a moment, did anything else happened . Well, i had my tubes tied. [ laughter ] didnt even know i had tubes. Doctor said hey you have got tubes. I said, hey, tie them. [ laughter ] you dont want to go through life with loose tubes. Yeah, so i got that done. I had strange thing and i got a threatening postcard in the mail. You know, you hear about threatening letters. I got a threatening postcard, it said having a wonderful time, wish you were here, but if you come here i will kill you. [ laughter ] also i didnt wash today. I want to announce that i didnt wash today, im not dirty yet. [ laughter ] yeah, im one of those people, if im not dirty, hey, i dont wash. [ laughter ] so maybe ill get dirty tomorrow and wash then. [ laughter ] had a good super bowl. Had a good super bowl. I watch the super bowl alone. I cant stand this group of people watching. Im alone because i have to get intense, you know. I tape myself up. Complete tape for the show get the doctor to come over a little novocain in each knee before i start. And had a good game, had three sacks. Well, the pizza delivery man is going to need surgery in the off season. But all i came out with was a hamstring and ill be ready for spring. Good way of looking at it. Yeah, jumped right in the jacuzzi after the game. Thats about it, nothing else what about the movie now . You have been doing this show for almost 20 years. And you have never in your life said, i have a film clip this is my first film clip. I tried to sneak one on from a cable show, but they dont want to hear that. Because cable competes with this, so movies, i figured they gave you a break and yes well i try to do a movie every ten years. [ laughter ] overexpose sure is not good. I did with six you get eggroll in the late 60s, i did car wash, and hey, its time. Yeah. [ laughter ] im hoping actually im going to squeeze the time frame down a little bit more. And maybe do it more frequently, but this was a lot of fun, and im just proud to have a clip. I dont even care if they show it. Im just glad that i have a clip. You just have it . Yeah. Maybe you can show it in the lobby as they leave today. Or stills would be nice. I have probably said on this show maybe thousands of times, does this film clip need any setting up . Yes. Oh, yes, yes. Im glad you asked that john because this clip is what this is this is when clark gable and Olivia De Havilland walked in the room and wait this might be another this oh, this is the later clip [ laughter ] if this is the one i think it is [ laughter ] they sent over, john. [ laughter ] [ applause ] but i know [ laughter ] i know what it is. How about that . This is when the character im playing this burnout hippy from the 60s, frank madras, is cornered by the two girls. Bette midler and shelley long, its called outrageous fortune. When they finally nail him in the desert and tried to convince him to help them no, sir that is not the clip. Thats not the clip. [ laughter ] thats not the clip they sent. Oh, then this is the clark gable and olivia [ laughter ] all right. It is the one i thought. Okay, see, even fred can be wrong. Yeah, it is that one, and they try to convince my character to help them because they are in a big jam chasing a guy all across the country. Okay. Like i said before, watch the monitors if you want to see this. Count backwards. Leave me alone. Frank, you have to listen. No, i dont yes, you do. Oh. Oh, god. Oh. Im sorry, frank, but this is really important. Just leave me alone. We have got to use your phone. Forget it. You stiffed me for 20. You leave me in drag, you have some maniac with a knife chasing you. These things do not tempt me to want to team up with you guys. [ laughter ] what is wrong with my head . Are you okay . No. I think im getting sober. Look frank, were not just jerking you around. Some guys are chasing us, because one of them stole a virus that is going to kill and destroy all of the plants and all the trees for thousands of miles, all the way around. We stole it back, so now they are trying to kill us. You get it . Geez the 60s were good to you werent they . [ laughter ] thats right. Think back to the 60s. People did things for each other. They were wasted. Listen, get us to a telephone, all right . I swear to you, you will be showered with money. [ cheers and applause ] good clip. On this picture, and they