Dthingy. Steven, i think youre slowly losing your mthingy. Whats for dessert, mom . I made chocolate pudding. I lovechocolate pudding. Thats not for you. This is yours seaweedbran pudding. Elyse, this wasmy main course. Not with plankton whip. Mmmmm. Hi. Sorry im late. Thanks for the ride. Hi, skipper. Would you likesome dessert . No, thanks. Im just going to go home to my room and carry on with my pointless and lackluster life. Say hello to your parents. Skippy, issomething wrong . Its not something. Its everything today we got the results of our job aptitude tests. How did you do . Oh, great lets hope you use your power for good instead of evil. Howd you do, skip . Oh, not bad. I did fine. Yeah . What are you good at . Converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. Theres a real future in that, skip. Ive hit my peak. Its all downhillfrom here. Come on, itll work out. Why dont you come with me for dessert . No, thanks. Im going to baskinrobbins. Steven,dont you dare im just going to fondle some sherbet. You brought home those career brochures. Im sure theres something in there for you. Maybe youre right. Join the circus. Become a human cannonball. Oh, no. Its hopeless. Maybe i should go into business with my father. Whats he doingthese days . Hes retired. Come on. Look at all thesecareer opportunities computer technician,dental assistant, bookkeeping,chimney sweep. Look at this the army. Dont run away from chimney sweep. It says you can travel, meet interesting people, work with stateoftheart technology. Come on, youre reallynot the army type. What do you mean . Its in my blood. One relative was a revolutionary war hero lieutenant zachariah handleman. He was the First American soldier to be captured by his own troops. Skip, be serious. Thats a very big step. This is the dawn of a new, tough, courageous, independent skippy handleman. You ok . Yeah. Im Sergeant Davis. Can i help you . Hi, Sergeant Davis. Im alex b. Keaton, and this is irwin handleman. Irwin wants to join the army. Thats good. What makes youinterested in the army . I want to be a man, sir. Well, we cantpromise anything, irwin. But well do our best. Alex, why do you want to join . No, no, no. Im really notthe military type. Im a. Im a business major. Perhaps youll want to join our new, elite fighting force the airborne accounting corps. The soldiers of fiscal warfare. We drop these troops behind hostile territory, uh, well, actually im from a family of fiscal pacifists. Too bad. Have a seat. Irwin, let me ask some questions. Ok, shoot. Age . 20. Any law violations . Some people sayi violate the lawsof natural selection. Education . Two years of college. Great where . Grant college. Oh. Well, you know, Sergeant Davis, Grant College. Well, being an institute of lower learning, has produced some fine military prospects. May i remind you that Grant College is named for ulysses s. Grant. Both fine fighting men in their own right. Alex, you might be an excellent candidate for our airborne verbal assault team. You flatter me. Well. Irwin, militarily speaking, is there a specific area that particularly interests you . Ive always seen myselfdriving a tank. I feel wellpreparedbecause my fatherhas a buick. Tanks it is. Im in . There are a few formalities to complete, but i sense that youre good army material. All right hey, skip, youre moving really fast. Are you serious about this . I feel really goodabout this. Youve got eight weeks of basic training at fort wharton. Wheres that . Just outside dayton. Whoa right on the front lines. Ill beseeing you there. Ill beyour drill instructor. Hell warm up to you, sarge. Dont mind if i do. Thanks. Dad these chips arent for you. Theyve not been approved by the american heart association. What can i eat . Do you think were insensitive . Weve got the perfect solution cardiac chips. These are homemade. Theres nothing badin them no salt, fat,or preservatives. Great. Whats the recipe . Thinly slice a raw potatoand serve. [doorbell rings] that must be the handlemans. Theyre upset about skippy going, so try to be supportive and show them a good time. Hello. Private handlemanreporting for party, sir. Hey. At ease, handleman, at ease. Come in, rose. Harry, good to see you. Thank you for throwing this shindig for irwin. Im sure hed do the same if we enlisted. Were so proud of him. Hes going to besuch a wonderful soldier. Hes goingto look so handsomein his uniform. Dont worry, mom. Ill call every day twice a day once a day is fine. Every other day is fine. Well, everybody, help yourselves. Have something to eat. Whats he going to eat in the army . He doesnt eat everything. It wont be like the good nourishing food hes been eating at our house and yours all these years. These are raw. When are you shipping out . Sergeant davis is coming here to get me so we can reach fort wharton by 0600 hours, is 600 hours after o. I spoke toSergeant Davison the phone. He sounds very nice. I told him aboutall of irwins special sweetlittle quirks. You dont have to do that. You cant watch me every minute. Ive got to grow up sometime. Hes a big boy now. Hes not the same skippy that used to chew an old blue blanket. Did you pack it, mom . Its in there right next toyour asthma inhalerand night light. [doorbell rings] excuse me. Oh, Sergeant Davis, i presume. Thats correct. Steven keaton. How are you . 4f. Flat feet, trick knee, heart attack. Thats good to know. Come in. Sergeant davis, everyone. You dont have to salute. If you do this at the base, nobody will want to share a foxhole with you. Sergeant davis, im rose handleman. We spokeon the phone. I havent forgotten. Your son cant digest milk products. Dont forget,at night he kicks off the covers and needs to be tucked in. Guess im off to war. What about you, alex . Its not too late. No, sergeant. Really. Actually, i inherited my dads trick knee. Yeah. Alex, you donthave a trick knee. Jennifer, listen whoa my foot just went flat. Wow. This is really goodbye. Well, not quite yet. Rose, harry, skippy, look. But, uh. Its hard to put it in words, so, uh. [plays harmonica] [humming the battle hymn of the republic] goodbye, mrs. Keaton. Ill never forget you. Ill miss you so much. Youve meantthe world to me. Mr. Keaton, youllwait for me, wont you . We better go now. Glory, glory, hallelujah glory, glory, hallelujah glory, glory, hallelujah [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didnt feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. She seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. And the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, thats when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. Hurry. Inspections in five. Irwin, come on, get up. One more minute, mommy. Im not your mommy. Ive got a gun. Oh. Hi, holworthy. Hi, snookums. Get up. Its inspection. Youve already failed twice. This time, im prepared. Pull yourselftogether, or youll loseyour weekend pass. What are you doing with your weekend pass . I thoughtid stay here and brush up onthe Geneva Convention. You hear what handlemans doing with his weekend pass . Brushing up on the Geneva Convention. What the hell is the Geneva Convention . You should stay and brush up with me. You talking to me,handleman . Youre not scaring me. Ok, maybe you are scaring me. Tenhut ready for inspection . Yes, drill sergeant actually, i could use a few more minutes. Put a lid on it, soldier soldiers, stand at ease. Get to your bunks. Good job, curtis. Well done, matthews. Good job, strauss. Are you looking for something specific . Yes. Im looking forthe signs of a soldier, and i dontsee one here. Um. Sergeant davis, can we talkfor a minute . What happened to us . We used to be so close. Dont you remember, backat the recruiting office . Well, well always have columbus, handleman. But right now, when one of you screws up, you let the whole platoon down. When one of you fails, you all fail weekend passes revoked, compliments of private irwin handleman. Um. Guys, ive got some extra fig newtons. [whistling] who am i kidding . Celery dog, elyse . Steven, tonight youregoing to get lucky. Thats what i was talking about. Youve been pathetic, eating lowcholesterol food. I called dr. Harrison, and he said occasionally you could have a small treat. Dont tease me, elyse. Feast your eyes on this. Oh, god, elyse. Thank you. No, no. You cant have it all. You can just have this much. Arent you going to finish . We got a postcard from skippy. Whats it say . I dont know. Its in spanish. Mis amigos keatons. Todo esta muy bueno aqui en akron. It was somethingabout akron. How do you know, jennifer . Did you take spanish . You know. Hes only been gone a couple of weeks, but i really miss our little skippito. I cant believe this, dad, but i have to agree with you. Like when hed come over, instead of knocking, hed squish his face against the glass aah skippy. Skippy i didnt think theyd give you time off. Do the letters awol mean anything to you . You went awol . Thats right. I went awol. What is awol . I means absent without leave. Really . I thought it literally meant a wall, as in going over a wall, which i did. What are you talking about . You said everything was fine. It was a disaster. Nobody liked me. Come on, skip. You should be used to that. [knock on door] Sergeant Davis what am i going to do . Well, skip, no, i well, Sergeant Davis. Mr. Keaton. Aboutface. Im looking forprivate irwin handleman. Do you hear that, steven . Hes look hes looking for private irwin want a celery dog, sir . Im here, Sergeant Davis. Thank you, mrs. Keaton, but this is my problem, and ive got to deal with it. Folks, would you mind if i speak tothe private privately . [humming the battle hymn of the republic] handleman,you have committeda very serious offense. Going awolis one of ourleast favorite things. Whats going to happen to me now . Or we could put youon a rock pile. Or we could do what were going to do, let you out. You can do that . Its called a trainee discharge for unadaptability. This wont be the firstone of these ive gotten. Look, irwin. Part of growing up is finding out where you fit in and where you dont. We both know you dont fit into the army. I dont feel good about this. I feel like im quitting. Youre not. Youre fired. Great. Back to square one. Im no good at anything. Listen to me,irwin. It took courage for youto join the army. Thats the same courage youre goingto become a man. Thank you, Sergeant Davis. Alex, i want you you know, actually, ive been thinking about that airborne accounting corps and oh darn. The old trick knee. Ill be back for you. Irwin. Public performance of captions prohibited without permission ofnational captioning institute captions copyright what would we do, baby without us what would we do, baby without us and there aint no nothin we cant love each other through what would we do, baby without us