You kill us and stuff bread and onions in our anal cavities and eat us. You soulless monsters. All right, cbs, im getting to it. Happy thanksgiving, gobble, gobble, see you in hell. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes danny devito, max greenfield, and musical guest okay go. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey, nice to see you. cheers and applause stephen whats going on, chris . Whats going on, mark . Rk hey, everybody. Welcome to the late show everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy thanksgiving eve i have a lot to be thankful for. I have my friends i work with. We live in the greatest country in the world, thats for sure. And you know who has a lot to be thankful for . Donald trump. Not only is he going to be the president , but he has the most amazing family. Yesterday he told staffers at the New York Times that his soninlaw Jared Kushner could help broker peace in the middle east. And after that, maybe he could broker peace between america and the other half of america. laughter applause just like please. Plus, donald trump is the richest president ever. Sure, lincoln made a fortune on those logs, but then he lost it all on his giant hat addiction. laughter very sad. And with all of trumps businesses, there are bound to be conflicts of interest. For instance, last week about 100 foreign diplomats from brazil to turkey, gathered at the Trump International hotel in washington d. C. To sip trumpbranded champagne, dine on sliders, and hear a sales pitch about the u. S. President elects newest hotel. Well, of course, trump hotels serve sliders. I mean, those miniburgers make tiny hands look huge. cheers and applause but im not sure the sales pitch was even necessary. One diplomat said why wouldnt i stay at his hotel blocks from the white house, so i can tell the new president , i love your new hotel isnt it rude to come to his city and say, i am staying at your competitor . yeah, it would be rude for a foreign diplomat to meet President Trump and not stay at a trump hotel, same way it would be rude to come to america to meet president kennedy and not fly into j. F. K. And last week, trump also met with some of his Indian Business partners who are building a trumpbranded luxury apartment complex south of mumbai, seen here on twitter, giving trump the thumbs up and ethics the middle finger. laughter , of course, now that he is going to be the president , business cannot occupy all of Donald Trumps attention. Hes got to save that for twitter, like his recent tweets about saturday night live. I watched parts of nbcsnl saturday night live last night. It is a totally onesided biased show, nothing funny at all. Equal time for us . laughter applause equal time for us . cheers and applause equal i dont understand. What does that mean, equal time for us . Thats not how it works, buddy. Youre going to be the president. Thats the guy who gets made fun of. If you wanted to be someone everyone loves, you should have run for ice cream man. And its the perfect job for someone who can dish it out but cant take it. cheers and applause and on monday, trump popped over to the youtube to address to the nation. Today, i would like to provide the American People with an update on the white house transition and our policy plans for the first 100 days. On regulation, i will formulate a rule which says that for every one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated. Stephen thats right. For every new rule, we lose two old ones. Hmm, okay, so we just set new standards for carbon emissions, so arson and murder are legal now. Enjoy. Of course, the presidency wasnt the only thing people voted on a couple weeks back. There were also a lot of state ballot intiatives. Fun fact a few of them werent about legalizing pot. Theres a weird one in colorado. The states constitution has some old language in it that still allowed slavery as a punishment for crimes. The Ballot Initiative would abolish that kind of slavery, and on november 8, it lost. See . You dont have to be depressed about the president ial election. You can be depressed about this instead. Heres the deal. There was no organized effort in colorado to keep slavery. So why is it still in there . Some people are saying its because the question on the ballot was confusing. It said, shall there be an amendment to the colorado constitution concerning the removal of the exception to the prohibition of slavery and involuntary servitude when used as a punishment for persons duly convicted of a crime . Uhhh. My final answer. What is lincoln, nebraska . buzzer who is louie pastiewr . buzzer dammit why did it have to be so complicated . Just write, should we have slavery . A yes. B no. C now, look, im not racist, but. laughter applause jon hey, hey i like that one stephen you like that one . You like that one . You shouldnt like that one. You really shouldnt like that one. Im here to tell you. Of course, some of us are happy with the outcome of the president ial election, while others are surviving on cupcakes and bourbon. And after all this tension, itd be great to take a break from talking politics, except that tomorrow is thanksgiving, that time of year when families come together to be thankful our elections happen only once every four years. I love thanksgiving, 75 of the time, but this is the 25 that is going to suck. But can we get through this . I believe we can. As long as we remember that blood is thicker than water, and that blood doesnt come out of the linen tablecloth. Put the knife down. So this year, you have a family duty to treat your political opinion just like grandmas jello mold choke it down, and keep it down until the guests leave. applause good old grandma. Good old grandma. And im going to help you tonight. This is the late shows postelection thanksgiving survival tips, brought to you, as always, by cranberry sauce out of the can. Cranberry sauce the jiggling means we made it with hoof these are a few guaranteed ways we made it out of hoof. Tip number one the tryptofan in turkey has a naturally calming effect, so remember to eat a lot of it while driving to dinner. Tip 2 change up recipes. This year instead of ground nutmeg on the pumpkin pie, how about a little shaved xanax . laughter applause tip 3 just because dinners not ready yet doesnt mean you shouldnt be eating. Remember, an idle jaw is the devils playpen. laughter tip 4 cook a second turkey. Not to carve. For everyone to stab. laughter tip 5 the traditional touch Football Game is a great way to get out aggression without ruining dinner. So this year, make it tackle to the death. Tip 6 create new things to talk about by changing up tradition. For instance, this year, deep fry the turkey. You cant talk about politics when youre busy battling the garage fire. laughter tip 7 definitely prepare a vegan option for your niece home from college. That way, everyone can gang up on her. laughter tip 8 remember, these are your relatives, so try not to see them as political opponents but rather as potential kidney donors. Stay on their good side. laughter applause do all these things you never know. Do all these things, and i guarantee a wonderful thanksgiving. And thats important because you can pick your friends but you cant pick your relatives or, evidently, pick your president , thanks to the electoral college. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Danny devito is here. But first, when we return, im going to help some more americans cook their thanksgiving turkey. Stick around, everybody applause applebees buy one get one free menu is perfect for two people. Or one really hungry person. Buy one meal from our buy one get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. Only at applebees. Hon, i dont know if i deserve this i dont really work with my hands. You change a ton of diapers your usual . Not for me for him. Hon, you have something in your hair. Would you like an oatmeal scrub . I already ate, actually. Hon, we listen to carol. Make my eyes pop . Is this supposed to happen . screams im just kidding. We should do this more often. Hold hands . No, sit in crazy chairs. Get together and shop small on Small Business saturday. Small business saturday is our day to get out and shop small. A day to support our community and show some love for the people we love. And the places we love. The stuff we cant get anywhere else and food that tastes like home. Because the money we spend here can help keep our town growing. This saturday is Small Business saturday. Lets shop small for our neighborhood, our town, our home. Get up, all get together and shop small. cheers and applause stphen welcome back, everybody. cheers and applause how about it for the greatest band on television, jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause before the break, we were talking about how to keep thanksgiving dinner calm this year. One surefire way to quiet your family is to give them all salmonella by serving raw turkey. Another way to prevent that is to call the Butterball Turkey talkline, which is not, i was disappointed to learn, a hotline where you can talk to a turkey. I have so many questions. What is this thing up here . Yesterday, i showed you part one of my dramatic journey answering calls in americas heartland with the good folking at butterball. They say if you can help just one person, thats more than i did. Last weekend i flew out to napierville, illinois, the headquartering of the butterball. cheers and applause got some turkeys here. The Butterball Turkey talk line, and i sat in with all the good cornfed information of butterball, and tonight, we want to give you the dramatic conclusion of me talking turking. Jim. The late show presents Stephen Colberts turkey tips. I visited the butterball call center in napierville, illinois, to talk turkey. Hello, this is alan, can i help you . I have a question about stuffing. Stephen another whats your question about stuffing . Can i make it wednesday morning and then take it to my daughters on wednesday night and refrigerate it. Stephen how far away does she live . Between niles and park ridge. Where are you located . Stephen where am i located . Right now, im in a federal max prison right now. laughter theyre using inmates to answer the phone calls right now. Truly, did you do something awful . Stephen well, i mean, you dont get on death row for parking tickets. Oh, my goodness. Stephen but you know i have another call coming in. Stephen i have a lot of calls coming in. Okay. Stephen all right, bye. Youll know its done when the fire alarm goes off. Okay, thank you. Stephen welcome to the turkey talk line. Only the plumpest, fattest thighs, whether you like it white or whether you like it dark, its time to go down. Hi, this is phil. Can i help you . laughter . Yes, i have a question, please. Each year, i follow the turkey starting on sunday, and wednesday i take it out, and we get the giblets out to cook. Now we fut back into the refrigerator until thursday morning. And i have a problem with, like, a freezer burn. Slight freezer burn because its thawed, you know. Stephen okay, do you have a garage . Yes. Stephen fut in the garage. Where are you right now . Im checking my weather map. Where are you dprawlg me . Already. Stephen oh, thats not a good idea. You dont want to put it in the garage in florida. Are you understanding my question, sir . Im not sure were on the same page here . Stephen the thing to keep in mind is however you cook the bird and however you thaw the bird, remember, this is your journey and no one can judge you. You know how they say dance like nobody is watching . Yes. Stephen i want to you cook like nobodys going to eat. laughter applause turkey talk line. This is bobby g. , how can i help you . Gobble, gobble laughter . I have a couple questions. Stephen i only have one answer is the problem, so youre going to have to prioritize. I have always made a butterball whole turkey, but since this year, a lot of people just like the white meat, so im going to be making the Butterball Turkey breast. Stephen why so a lot of people just like the white meat. People arent responding to the dark meat this year . Right. Stephen why is this year different than other years . Because there are different people. Stephen different people are coming to dinner. Right. The question i have is two questions. I notice when i go to the store, the maximum i can find is six pounds. Is there bigger turkey breasts than six pounds. Stephen absolutely, whats the store guto . I usually go to jewel. Via oh, yeah we have a blackout in jewel on anything above six pounds. Its a contract dispute. Its not your problem and you dont want to know what its about. Its a family thing. The owner of jewel broke up with the daughter of butterball and theres a family fight going on. Personally, i think its ridiculous. Im with the jewel guy. I dont understand why we arent sending breasts bigger than six pounds. How much do you need . Its going to be four people but i like to give them leftovers. Stephen we can give you a 22pound breast. Do you have a cvs . No. Stephen they keep the meat behind the pharmaceutical counter. Just say, i want an injection of hot, white meat. And theyll get you the turkey breast. Is there any place besides this one, sir . Stephen let me see. Do you have a problem with cvs . I dont even i have one in the area. Stephen do you have a food lion or Piggly Wiggly . No. Stephen or a fairway . No. Stephen whole foods . We might have a whole foods. Stephen you might have a whole foods. Yeah, they dont have it. Do you have a pizza hut . Yes, i think so. Stephen pizza hut is also going to be selling some of our Butterball Turkeys this year. Is there any other place so pizza hut also doesnt work for you. Tell me what you have. I have a Walmart Super center. Stephen walmart, oh, they have walmart, yeah. You should have said that. They have a walmart. But i dont know if they have the breast, okay . Stephen okay not. We dont sell them the breast. They are dark meat, a lot of dark meat. So, sir, im looking for a frozen turkey breast, okay why not some dark meat. They dont want it. Stephen get some new friends. Can i talk to somebody else . Youre giving me a hard time, sir. Stephen okay, look, please accept my apology. Dont tell them it was me. Dont say my name. Do you know my name . Did i tell you my name . No, you didnt. Stephen my name is jimmy fallon. Fal give me a manager. I want to to another representative. Stephen absolutely, sorry, merry christmas. Thank you thank you to everybody at butterball youre the best cheers and applause well be right back with danny devito. Its targets electronics doorbusters you guys are hot, and you u. Hdtv, you look great well i mean. Everything looks amazing on you, you are 4k doors open thursday 6pm. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. How else do you think he gets around so fast . Take the reins this holiday and get the mercedesbenz youve always wanted during the winter event. Now lease the 2017 gla250 for 329 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Now in kids chewables. 30 off apparel doorbuster black friday you guys look amazing good thing i wore my formal frosting tonight get 30 off apparel starting thursday 6pm at target. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. My first guest tonight is a producer, director, an emmy and golden globewinning actor whos known for everything from one flew over the cuckoos nest, to its always sunny in philadelphia. Please welcome the one, the only, the great, danny devito. cheers and applause Stephen Danny devito, everybody cheers and applause thank you, thank you. All right okay stephen please, please. Listen, a standing ovation . Stephen colbert stephen do you get that everywhere you go . Yes laughter stephen must be nice being you . Year, its nice. Stephen nice to meet you. Really nice to meet you. Stephen ive been a longtime fan. Me, too. Stephen but i never met you before. This is really exciting for me. Me, too. Strangers with candy, baby. Stephen you watch strangers with candy . Oh, yeah. Stephen i did not know you were mentally disturbed . I, whacked. I am demented. Stephen when i see those fans theyre people with the shaved eyebrows. You relate to strangers with candy . Its about adults who act like children. Yeah, i know. And aimee sedaris. You guys are great. Stephen we had a lot of fun together. Were still friends. Yeah, you hang out. Thats good. Stephen speaking of adults that act like children. Are you familiar with the number of people who compare you with pictures of your children. There is a child who has become internet famous, internet famous, looking like you. Oh, my gosh laughter oh, my gosh stephen are you familiar . No, ive never seen that one. But i like the idea of the wet lip. It looks like theres snot coming down. It looks really like, you know, very yeah. Stephen do you feel like youre looking at a wellmoisturized mirror . Yeah. It makes me hungry, the baby. Stephen like youre going to eept the baby . laughter did you ever have dim sum . Stephen no i dont think i ever had dim sum. Why, is it like eating a baby . Little tiny things, little dump lings. Pop them in your mouth. You see stephen thats a very i love that. You see now you know why i watch that show, that sick show. Stephen you know what my wife would say after she watched strangers with candy . Sometimes she would get up and say i want to know how you thought of that show . I said, because i grew up in america. Youve got a new movie now, that youre doing with Robert De Niro called the comedian. I play his brother. Stephen in this one hes a comedian who is down on his luck. Yeah. Stephen he got famous from a sitcom. Thats all anybody knows him from. Hes done some time and now hes out. Now hes out and he comes to my deli. I have a deli. Its not like a gritty deli. Stephen i never said i never said it was a gritty deli. Im sure it getta a fine health rating. Its real. Stephen we have a clip of you and your brother, bobby d, talking about bobby d. A little bobby d coming up. Thats what were doing right now. Lets go do it. Lets roll that clip of boab d. Stephen this is a vacation for me. You just go. Im having so much fun. Stephen im going to take my thanksgiving break right now. You keep talking. This is bobby d. She desert you . No, no, shes going to come back. Cool it, casanova. Exciewz me. You got 30 days. I got life. Does she know about the money . Yes. Its going to take me a while to pay you back. She knows, she knows, and we both agree we dont want you to pay us back. What does that mean . What it means is i dont have to do this anymore, you understand . Im through with this. Im done with this. You dont come back anymore and ask for anything ever again. What are you so mad about . Im not mad. But people dont change. People never change. They are what they are, and thats that. What is this . You see how it is with her . Like, you become a thing. laughter applause thank you. Stephen who is the older brother in this one. Bob is the older brother. Bobs older. Im younger. Bobs older. Thats patty lapone in that scene. Stephen i know. Youre a baby brother. You have two older sisters. I have two older sister s. Stephen i was the baby boy. Its the best youre like the prince stephen yeah. Like i mean, its like the greatest how old was your mom when you she had you . She was 43 when she had me. Mine, too, 45. Its really, like, a cool thing. You got your sisters were the older ones who took care of you theyre kind of like your moms. Kind of like your moms and your mother is like your grandmother. Stephen a little bit. Its really true. My sisters are surprised i ever learned to warwic walk they care around. Evidence a pain in the ass. Imagine two sisters, theyre like teenagers, right. My sister one of my sisters, 16 years older than me. You can imagine shes going out with a boy, shes got to take me with her. laughter you know what i mean . And i remember this. I remember this like it was yesterday. I cried like a little brat because they were going to a drivein movie. My sister and her boyfriend took me to a drivein movie. I sat in the middle laughter it was like i mean, like, you know, thats really shame im ashamed of that. laughter . Stephen my sister mary is 16 years older than i am. There you go stephen when i was a little boy he was dating a guy from annapolis, and they wear the dress whites. Thats intimidating. Stephen and im like a threeyearold kid kid. Hes waiting for my sister mayor tow come down to take her to the ring dance in annapolis, and i came in with chocolate on my hands. And i sat next to him and went, i like you. laughter its like a great thing stephen he didnt yell. Thats why my sister was like, i like this one. You also have a short film that youve made, youve directed. Yes. Stephen thats very dear to your heart called crumudgeons. Its about two older men in the assisted living facility who fall in love with each other and the families have to deal with that, deal with that emotion. Why was that an important story i saw the play offbroadway called crumudgeons. And my daughter lucy who is in the movie sheerk said when we came out of this play, it was like one of those experience wheres its like fantastic. It was so great. And it was so, like, perfect. She said, we should make this into a little movie. This was like three years ago. And with the whole thing about gay people getting married now, being able to do what they really want to do and love the people that they want to love. So we thought it was a really great subject and we made the movie and its on vimeo by the way, you go vimeo. Com crumbogons. Tell me how you think . What you think about it. Stephen tweet danny. Tweet danny. It was one of those the guy who is in it, david margulies. Stephen great actor. No longer with us, sadly. Yes, ive been friends with him since before most of these people were born not you. laughter . Stephen yeah. Yeah. Stephen yeah. Ah, Stephen Stephen oh, danny youre autopsy about to make your broadway debut. In the price on broadway in february. Thats where im going. Stephen youve done theater before. You were in the original off broadway cast of one flew over the cuckoos nest. The genesis of that was kirk douglas read the book, and he commissioned dale wawserman to write the play. Dale wasserman wrote the play in the 60s. Kirk did it on broadway. Didnt go well. It was way ahead of its time in terms of the way people thought about those institution. And i it stayed dormant for a while until people started reading that book and got very excited about it. And in 1969 or 70, they revived it in San Francisco, and then they brought it here. Okay, so this whole back story. We ran the show for four, five years here. And in 74, Michael Douglas, kirks son, took the thing, made a movie out of it. Stephen he was your roommate, right, Michael Douglas . Yeah, he was my roommate. Stephen what was he like as a roommate . Did you have fun . We had the tie rule, you know. Stephen whats the tie rule . Like the sock on the doorknob . Yeah, the tie it was like a dorm room. And it was whoified the tie on more you often. Whoever had the girl inside. Stephen yeah, yeah . And then you didnt go in. You had to hang out. Stephen of the tie frequently on the doorknob . A lot of times. Stephen did you sleep at a diner a lot or did he . I did most of the sleeping out. laughter stephen thank you so much for being here. Hey, man. Stephen always a pleasure. So nice to meet you. Stephen and its never happened before. cheers and applause stephen the comedian is in select cities december 2, and his short film, curmudgeons is available on vimeo. Danny devito, everybody. Well be right back with max greenfield. applause oh caroline. So corporate put you up in a roadside motel. But with directv from at t, you can download then binge watch your dvrd shows from anywhere. That makes you more powerful than whatever it is you just stepped in. Or that friendly dumpster diver outside. I wouldnt sit there. Its your tv, take it with you. Now you can watch your dvr anywhere, at no extra cost, with directv from at t. Which is good for me a 200degree range of sight. Hey . And bad for the barkley twins. Take care of all your most important parts with centrum. With our most vitamin d three ever. You mean like they got married . T union of a cheezit and a chip. Umm. I guess. Youd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. Oh, its a lab coat so. Hey everyone, joes getting married bam bam ba bam. Oh, im not. We take time for our cheese to mature. In our crispy cheezit grooves. Because aunts will do anything for a laugh. [sfx squeaking on glass] when families gather, things get messy. Ours can help. Sc johnson. This is pezero sugar. Gar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. Look how big my yeah. Ooh. Hands arerawr. How much am i making for this again . Hundred k. Win or lose. Total cake walk. Ooh oooooooh her last opponent is still in a coma. What . I should go walk my cats. No. No no no. Amy, get in there and fight for your life. Isnt there an easier way to make a hundred k . Sure. Old navys giving away a hundred k everyday through black friday. Plus its 50 off your entire purchase. 50 off . you keep in touch with me, girl. Im going to old navy. Ahh its 50 off wednesday through friday only at old navy cheers and applause stphen welcome back, everybody. My next guest is an emmy and golden globenominated actor who stars as schmidt on new girl. Please welcome max greenfield. cheers and applause stephen well, max, good to see you again. Sure. laughter . Stephen thank you for bringing the cheesecake. Stephen, i really did it this time. Stephen did you win the Tour De France . Why do you have a Yellow Jersey on . What have you done . Its a lot of leg there. I apologize for that. You know what color is that fire imagine pale. laughter i have become officially a youth soccer referee. Stephen okay. cheers and applause . Thank you you know what . Stephen quite an achievement. Quite an achievement. Thank you very much for that because ive been getting booed so much lately. Stephen and why did you do this, max . Well, its interesting. Stephen well find out. Thats right. So as it turns out yeah. Not a lot of people want to be the referee, and you wouldnt believe how much work goes into being a youth soccer referee. Stephen its a thankless job. I had tow take all these online courses. And then i had to drive out to Redondo Beach which is like the equivalent of you driving out to queens. And i took this fourhour seminar at the end of which you have to there was an exam at the end. Stephen was there a rule book . Yeah, skimmed through it. There was an exam at the end. And i was positive they had failed the exam. I was so share that i had failed. But to everyones surprise, including myself, i somehow passed. And im, like i honestly not only did i pass do you have a child by the way. I do. Stephen is this for your childs team . It is. I couldnt have done better on the test. And im watching the results come in, and im thinking to myself, i cant believe this. Stephen so you never thought youd actually end up beating referee. It was a fun bit at first. You know, my daughter got really excited about it. She plays for the purple pythons. cheers . Stephen yeah, right on she got excited. And then my family got excited about it. And then her team got excited, their parents got excited. And before you knew it i had all of these supporters. laughter and it was it was and they were embracing me in a way that i had never been embraced before. Stephen so the people, the people wanted you to be the referee. Yes and i i loved it. laughter but, you know, the thing was is i never thought i would actually become the referee. You know, i thought id take the test. I thought id fail. I thought id tell people, you know, look, being a referee is not for me. The test was rigged. Some exaj but i never thought that i would actually become a referee. Stephen let me ask you an important question. Do you have any experience refereeing . No. laughter stephen any experience with the Playing Field at all, like no, no. Im the least im the least qualified referee in youth so, history. Ive never even ive never even played soccer before. laughter and, you know, ive been a ref for the last few weeks now, and people are people are losing their minds. And theyre saying, hes break the rules. Hes breaking the rules. Hes breaking the rules. I dont know the rules. I dont know what the rules are. Stephen but listen, youre the referee, youre the referee, so anything you do is now the rule. I mean, by definition, if the referee does it, its it its referential. laughter yeah. Yeah, i mean, pretty much. Stephen so now that youre in, do you feel like youre over your head . A little bit. laughter a little bit. I mean, i cant win. The problem is i cant win in this situation because any call i make one side goes nuts. And you should see, some of these kids, they say some very and their parents, too they say some very mean things to me, very mean things. Stephen and you cant say anything back opinion the referee has to stay above all that. You have to stay above all that stuff. I know i should not say anything back. I should not respond. But i cant help i cant help myself. laughter . Stephen well, what do you do . I thought ill take it home with me. And sometimes ill just wake up at 3 00 in the morning. laughter applause stephen you dont. You dont. cheers and applause . Stephen you tweet at the little girls . And people keep telling me, thats not what a referee is supposed to do. Stephen well, listen, have you talked to the previous referee . Well, it was interesting because from the sideline last year, i was very critical of him. laughter i said some tough, tough things. And it turns out, after sitting down with him, hes a great guy. laughter and i underestimated his job and how complicated it is. Look, the middle eastern section of the field alone is a nightmare. cheers and applause stephen wow. Well, congratulations. Thank you. Stephen congratulations. What an achievement. What an achievement. Yeah. Stephen so do yo do you havy thoughts on the election . Well, you know, ive actually learned a few things. Stephen yeah . From this whole experience. Stephen yeah, yeah . One, nobody wants to see me do a better job than me. Really. Thats true. laughter and if by some chance i do, do that look, if im even a decent referee, i tell you, i will immediately declare myself the greatest referee of all time and you will never hear the end of it. And i am so hoping that thats what happens. Stephen well, good luck. Well, thank you. And i also think, you know, maybe, if we were a little bit nicer to our referees, just a little bit, then more qualified people would want to be the referee. applause and, perhaps, we would and perhaps, we would be able to explain to our six and sevenyearold children why all the most important calls on the field are being made by schmidt from new girl. Stephen you can see max on new girl, which airs tuesdays on fox and on a soccer field most weekends. Max greenfield, everybody. Well be right back with a performance by ok go. applause i just see a black screen. What are you looking at . Crazy stuff, man. Youve gotta see this. Whatwhat is this . Its like some 3d virtual world. Can i see . Oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. Look at the moon. Whoot. Means you can try this one combination for just 12. 49. Or this one. Or this one. Or, well, you get the idea. Buy one entree from the buy one get one free menu and get a second absolutely free. For a limited time. Only at applebees. 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Performance of the one moment from our friends ok go youre right there is nothing more lovely theres nothing more profound than the certainty than the certainty that all of this will end that all of this will end so open your arms to me open your arms to me and this will be the one moment that matters and this will be the one thing we remember and this will be the reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that matters at all so while the mud reclaims our footprints and while our bones keep looking back the overgrowth is swallowing the path there for the grace of god go we there for the grace of god go we there for the grace of time and chance and entropys cruel hands so open your arms to me open your arms to me and this will be the one moment that matters and this will be the one thing we remember and this will be the reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that matters at all so wont you stay here with me and well build until weve blistered our hands so wont you stay here with me well build us some temples well build us some castles well build us some monuments and burn them all right down and this will be the one moment that matters and this will be the one thing we remember and this will be the reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that matters at all and this will be the one moment that matters and this will be the one thing we remember and this will be the reason to have been here and this will be the one moment that matters at all and this will be the one moment that matters and this this will be the one moment that matters and this will be the one moment that matters. cheers and applause stephen ok gos new video the one moment premiered on the late show Facebook Page today. Ok go, everybody well be right back. ,,, upbeat music [voiceover] you are San Francisco. Weve been with you from the beginning. Weve seen each other through good times and bad. Sickness and health. Were with you San Francisco, and you bring out the best in us. Care. Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital and trauma center. Late show. Thank you to okay go stick around for james corden and his guests, dana carvey and miles teller, plus drop the mic with usain bolt. Have a great thanksgiving on a personal note i just want to thank you rob dubin. I love you. Happy thanksgiving. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from loredo,