Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20161008

Whenever i touch anything that i have some Human Emotion toward. Watch. My theres only you in my life really, anything, check it out. Theres only you in my life laughter stephen thats incredible. Well, shiprobably get ready for the show. Diane, its lovely to meet you. laughter really . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes diane lane. Aja naomi king. And comedian Alingon Mitra. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whats up mark . Thats nice. cheers and applause hey thanks, everybody nice to see you. Thanks for being here welcome to the late show. What a lovely audience. Such a fantastic audience. I would like to smother you all in a lemon butter wine sauce. I just made that up. I just totally made up that recipe. Laugh welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Youre all looking very friday, thank you so much for being here. cheers and applause the thing is, we actually tape this thursday night, and as we speak right now, my understanding is Hurricane Matthew is making landfall in florida, and we just want to say we hope everybody down there stays safe, florida, georgia, on the carolina coast. If you havent gotten out thereof, if youre in evacuation, please take the time to go. If not find a place, find some shelter, get some water, fill up your bath tub. Please do stay safe. I mean that especially for my family down there. We love you. applause you know what its like . You know what its like it to worry about your folks down there when a hurricane is coming . There is another disaster happening this weekend. This sunday in st. Louis, theyre holding another president ial debate, trump vs. Clinton one on one the kerblooie in saint louie laughter and it is such a big event, that the debate will air live in Movie Theaters across the united states. Yes, on the same weekend birth of a nation is opening in theaters, you can also watch what might be the death of one. laughter i just laughter i just hope its in 3d. It will seem like the pandering is coming right at you. laughter the company that is doing this, the Movie Theaterries are offering the tickets for free. And according to the article, you can get a free soda with any popcorn purchase, and a Company Spokesperson said, republicans and democrats will agree, this is a pretty sweet deal. Wrong republicans and democrats will never agree on anything. They wont confirm your popcorn, and theyre going to filibuster the junior mints. And one of the things that hurt trump in the last debate is the fact that he offended some women by insulting their looks and others by complimenting their looks. And this week, he was asked to defend all those comments. Do you understand the concern from parents of younger girls, that some of the wording that youve used to talk about attractiveness or unattractiveness, might make it more difficult for girls who are struggling with their body image and the pressure to be model perfect . Sure, i do. And, you know, a lot of this is done in the entertainment business. Im being interviewed for apprentice, long before i ever thought in terms of running for office, obviously. So this was really something that i just decided to do, but a lot of that was done for the purpose of entertainment. Stephen see, women . He wasnt demeaning and degrading you. He was demeaning and degrading you for entertainment. laughter because he found it amusing. And if women dont like it, they can find their own form of entertainment. Maybe, i dont know, voting against donald trump this november. cheers and applause just for fun. Just for fun. I dont know. I cant think of anything more entertaining than watching him give a concession speech. laughter applause that that in a Movie Theater week pretty fun. Now, recently it came out that trump worked with the Gold Standard in objectifying women for entertainment playboy. First, buzzfeed dug up a playboy video from 2000 of trump welcoming playmates to new york by pouring champagne on a limo. That is the closest he will ever come to filling his own gas tank. And just a few days later, cnn unearthed another old playboy video featuring trump photographing and interviewing a model. Evidently, she performed well in the interview but was not selected to be his next wife. laughter this bombshell of trump hanging out with bombshells comes from a 1994 vhs tape titled playboy centerfold, that was obtained by something called cnns kfile. Well, this is impressive Investigative Journalism blew me away and i had to know more. So joining me now, is the reporter responsible for this scoop, cnns kfile. Whats up, stephen. Kfile, thanks so much for being here its me, kevin fileman a. K. A. Kfile stephen thank you for joining us, kevin. Its kfile. Stephen okay, kfile, how did you acquire this explosive 1994 playboy videotape . Yeah, if i remember right, i got it from my older brother dave, right, who in turn stole it from his friends dad, who had had it hidden in the vhs sleeve for robocop. Stephen fascinating. Can we expect any more big revelations like this . Oh, yeah. Ive got a whole box of big revelations stashed under my bed. Yeah, i got big revelations 1, i got big revelations 2, big revelations 3 in this one, theyre in outer space for some reason. Stephen have you uncovered anything else about donald trump in your investigations . Not yet, but im still going through daves old hustlers and butt mags. Dave, you are sick, bro. Stephen cnns kfile, everybody. Great work kfile. Nantasket. Folks, we have a great show for you tonight. Diane lane is here. And when we return, we will hear the latest proclamations from a certain furry hat. Stick around applause emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. My advice for looking get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. King me. rico thinking this must be how Odell Beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. Announcer beckham scores giants touchdown crowd noise Odell Beckham thinking this must be how rico felt when he triple jumped mr. Sanchez pepsi [diggy by ncer ludwig] with another new flavor you never saw coming. Grilled, glazed korean bbq shrimp. And try as much as you want of flavors like new parmesan peppercorn shrimp. Just come in before it ends. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Lovely people. Jon yeah stephen absolutely lovely people. Thank you so much. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, esh. applause stephen every person to sit in this chair, the first thing they say to me is i cant believe how good that band is over there. Jon thats nice. Stephen fantastic. Jon were working on it. Stephen youre working on it. Jon every day. Stephen im working on it every day, too. Jon i see you over there and over here. Stephen thats good youre watching the show. Its a pretty good show sometimes. Jon im there every day. Stephen i can feel you. Jon im behind you. Youre a bad dude. Youre putting the truth out there. Stephen wow, thats a great compliment. Im a bad dude. Jon yeah. Stephen im a bad man. Jon youre a bad, bad, mother shut your mouth. Stephen im just talking about shaft. Jon yay, yay stephen thanks very much. As the host of a talk show, as you can tell, im in the position of enormous power. And yet, there are those even more powerful than i. Historys most ferocious despots, like genghis khan, kim jonil, and angelina jolie. All of us have two things in common were not talking to brad right now, and a big furry hat cheers and applause cheers and applause now that this hat has descended upon my head, any and all proclamations i make while so enhatted are now and forever law. Let us begin. Henceforth, the proper response to how are you doing . Is not how are you . Someone must answer the damn question. laughter from this day forward, all wedding receptions shall have bands. D. J. S are reserved for funerals. laughter on halloween, hobo is not a costume. It is a sign of our shrinking middle class. laughter effective immediately, sweatpants must be given an accurate name, the i will never exercise in these pants pants. laughter applause let this be carved in stone white guys cant have dreadlocks unless they are stranded on a desert island. laughter cheers and applause from this day forward, any raccoon that gets into my garbage must separate my recyclables. laughter anyone who breaks a pinky swear shall lose both pinkies. laughter that was a long trip from over here to way over there. That was a long one. Hold on. laughter advertisers must stop using my google searches to generate banner ads for me. I do not need a reminder that i spent all night googling homemade beef jerky. laughter baristas shall stop making cute foam designs in customers cappucinos. Some of us are late for work and dont want to drink a leaf. laughter if your suitcase at an airport luggage carousel is the last one to come out, you get to keep the first suitcase from the next flight. laughter henceforth, white tanktop tshirts will no longer be called wifebeaters. They shall be called divorced guy mustard catchers. laughter the hat has spoken cheers and applause well be right back with diane lane. Power, power to the lord power lord [ clearing throat ]w turthe new golf alltrack. K. [ upbeat music ] with 4motion allwheel drive. Soon to be. Everywhere. Because friends and family like myouay take an extra 20 percent off. Thats on top of already low sale prices storewide which makes fleece for him only 14. 39 and for her just 9. 59 everyone gets kohls cash too now thats the good stuff. Kohls. But so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. You never believed in fairytales. Knights in shining armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Time to shine. Orbit. Ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. Its more than cash back. Oh with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of i said, its getting hot in herre new limited edition cherry from limearita. The bold margarita. cheers and applause stephen oh, folks. Welcome back. My guest tonight first appeared in the Cherry Orchard at Lincoln Theater when he was 12 years old. Please welcome, diane lane thank you o fun. Thank you for that. Stephen so, at 12 years old, you were in the the Cherry Orchard. Thats true. Stephen i understand with meryl streep. Yes she hadnt even made a film yet. Well, thats not true. We got to see her debut while we were working together. It was a small role with jane fonda in julia. I think jane slapped her in the bar, and everybody wondered, who was that blond . And a career was born. Stephen at age 12 did you say to yourself, yeah, shes pretty good . She was standing in the ring watching ireney worth, and merrill was playing the maid, and it was just an amazing time. She let me play in her makeup bag. She was a very sweet, kind, actress to me, a little kid, punk kid. Stephen so if youre at Lincoln Center at age 12, when are you starting . How old are you when you are doing your first plays . I was six. I had no front teeth, but i still got the job. I played maddias child. Stephen maddia kills her children. Spoil alert, she kills her children to get back at jason. Yes. Stephen so did you have to be dead on stage . Yes and i had to do it very believably, because people are looking to see if your chest rises and falls once youre dead. Stephen highway did you do that . You know this story. Stephen no oh, my gosh. Its pretty embarrassing and im make the short version. But i peed myself. I mean, its been in time magazine. The story is pretty old. Stephen i missed that issue. Good for you. It was a 1979 issue. I go way back. Im going to come out in my walker next type. Stephen youre six years old and you just couldnt hold it anymore . Pretty much. Nobody told me about going to the bathroom before the show. I learned everything the hard way. laughter . Stephen and you went back the next night, though . They let me back. Ive the only one that knew the greek word. They couldnt recast. Stephen you did it in greek . Yes. The urip disease text. speaking greek i dont know what i just said. I think it was please dont kill me, mommy. Stephen work that was. I dont know what it was, but you seemed really passionate. Its brand in my brain. Stephen as soon as you got into the greek . Do you speak any languages . speaking french. Camah bear. Stephen coissant. Stephen who knows. Now, youre in the Cherry Orchard again on broadway at the American Airlines theatre. Im on broadway cheers and applause stephen come on you were at Lincoln Center when you were 12. This is old hat for you. But four tony winners associated with this production. Im surrounded by such talent and such grace. Im so delighted to be among the people. Im the poster girl, yes, its true. Im pinching myself. I really am. Im kind of nervous. Were in previews. Stephen youre in previews right now. Its going to be fine. What happens surehearse in the day, you change it a little, and then you test it out in front of 750 people that night and see how it goes. They dont like it, change it again. Stephen another one tomorrow. Its like kleenex in a box. It doesnt matter. Theres always another one. Its a marathon. Stephen chekhov wrote this in 1904, i think. What does chekhov say to us now . How can we possibly in our modern lives relate to a man writing about a fading aristocracy trying to cling to their wealth while a proletearate is trying to rise up in revolution. What could we possibly the 1 . Stephen how could we relate to the 1 and their Country Estates . I agree. The question answers itself. Stephen what does chekhov have to say to us now . Well, its history repeating itself endlessly, and we always seem to be open to learning and relearning from actually the truth that is in our parent i dont know and thank god for your art every night where we get a lot of truth, stephen. Thank you for that. Stephen thats very nice of you to say. No, its true. Stephen you know, wooy try ditch things. If it doesnt work we try it again another night. I never blame the writers. You give them the credit. Stephen not that, either. Its all me, baby. Its all me. Thats what i say. Stephen you just improvise it every night. Yeah, i made it up. Stephen youre rehearsing the the Cherry Orchard at the same time youre shooting Justice League right . Yeah, that happened. Stephen did you ever cross over and yes stephen call clark kent one of the proletearate or peasant. How do you play martha kent during the day and go back to your trailer and get ready for the the Cherry Orchard . It was almost a cliche of an actor prepares not, in parentheses. Because im in my trailer in london. I had just left rehearsals, had to go right back to rehearsals. So im jet lagged and my brain is desperately trying on learn chekhov. Stephen the the rehearsals for . Rehearsals for the play. Showing up in london to be martha kent again and reunited with all my beloveds on that film. And, you know, a small gig. Aah nervous about that, too. Want to do it well. No hereversal on tajust show up. Stephen real, no rehearsal on that film . Not enough for me. I could have done with a little more in hindsight. Now that weve done it can i go back and dog do it again whatever. Story of my life. Im in my trailer and running the lines with some sweet young woman who i paid hourly to come and run lines any spare moment i had. Stephen what a great gig for her. Yes, very sweet. But outside the trailer im hearing first of all, the amount of trailers on that movie it was like an r. V. Lot. We actually had an airplane runway. Thats what we were using if our parking lot of whats called base camp for all the actors. Stephen literally, an airport runway. Yes. Stephen where were the planes landing . It was a retired runway. Stephen just wanted to make sure. Yes, yes, im glad for that. Anyway outside the trailer im hearing this noise. Death metal. I dont know what that is. Stephen that was a very good imitation of death metal by the way. You have a great fallback career. No punk, no punk rock per me. Sorry, guys. Stephen tonight slaughterhouse is not available. Instead, please welcome diane lane. Oh, my god stephen go ahead, sorry. Jason, he is our aqua man. I didnt get to meet him but i heard him out in my trailer getting ready for his scene. Thats how he was preparing. Im inside trying to say, save the Cherry Orchard and learn my lines for chekhov, and out the window im hearing this death metal while hes getting ready to do whatever he does in the film, which i cant wait to see him do. Stephen i think he wares a lot of swim trunks. Hes handsome. Stephen oh, yeah, sure well, youre beautiful. Well, thank you. Stephen you guys that was a very sexy little trailer lot you had there. laughter so, you said you get to do, like, a scene once on a movie. And then thats it. Like, you dont get to rehearse it again pup dont get to do it again . Well, you get get more takes hopefully. Stephen but its not your call for another take. The director goes, i got the take and were moving o. Pretty much. And if i ask for another take im worse than if i hadnt asked for it. It seems that way. Stephen that was one of the shocking things for me when i moved to tv. I started off in chicago in chicago. Thats right. Stephen i came to tv and the first time i shot a Television Show we shot the scene and they said, moving on. And i realized i had to get it right the first time. Thats all you get. Stephen and not only is that the only time i get to do it but more people will see that thing i just did than ever saw me in every stage production i ever did. Dang stephen no pressure. No prec there. Smoke coming out of your ear s. Stephen is there something you have done you have condition so many great performances is there something you say let me take another chop at that movie again. I want to go back it if xwork with the dog again. Stephen reilly. Isnt she beautiful . Yes. Stephen that is not acting. She is actually the dog of my producer paul. Hois a very nice man, too. Stephen hes a very nice man. Hes not as nice as reilly is, though. I dont have an answer for you, so i was stalling by throwing reilly in there as far as going back and taking another whack. Stephen you dont want to take another whack at anything . Im glad i do have as many opportunities to do this play, i will focus on it that. Having a live show means you get another chance at it, and it is a living thing, like wine. Its not cut and dried in a can. You know, its fresh. Breathing canned wine hmmm. Im such a creative person, arent i. Stephen wine and cut and dried in a can. I thought id point that out. You have done a lot of plays before. Yes. Stephen has does it change wildly from the Opening Night to the last night . Yes. Stephen or does the director come back in and chak the whip and say, hey, hey, why does your character suddenly have a scottish accent . For me, i do everything Opening Night and then i realize the show is locked and we cant make any more changes. That doesnt we dont have 90 more msm ans to go. For me im deeg with Opening Night. Stephen when is Opening Night. October 16, but who is counting. Stephen the Cherry Orchard will open on broadway at the American Airlines theatre and starting october 16, running through scm december 4. Youre going to want to see it especially if youre one of the 1 who lives on the country state in russia. Diane lane, everybody well be right back with aja naomi king. Thank you so much. N applause starting at 9. 99 endless combinations of your favorite pastas, sauces and toppings. Now including chicken alfredo. Plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. 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Of course not. Hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back you know my next guest from how to get away with murder. She now stars in the powerful drama, the birth of a nation. Please welcome aja naomi king. applause stephen yeah, i agree. Theyre great stephen welcome to the show. Its a pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me. Stephen thats a beautiful top you have on there. Thank you, jonathan simki. Stephen i would have said. Your youre up with it. You know whats going on. Stephen before we get started, happy fall. And i understand you had an exciting summer. You did something with your father that will live with you for the rest of your life. What is this thing that happened to you again . My dad and i were very close and we actually hiked part of the Pacific Crest trail. Stephen thats like 1,000 miles, right . Yes. We didnt do 1,000 miles. We did about 80 miles from the border of mexico and up to julian. So thats, like, 80 miles. We did 80 miles. Stephen the desert, right. In desert, mountains. Stephen it felt like 1,000 miles, i bet. It definitely felt like 1,000 miles. Stephen snakes and. Snakes and my father thought at one point he heard a Mountain Lion and decided not on tell me about it. The next day he was like yeah, i didnt want you to go there but i was pretty sure i heard a Mountain Lion but in case it wasnt, i didnt want to freak you out. Stephen how would your father know what a Mountain Lion sound like . Hes a pretty cool guy. He knows this stuff. Stephen no troubles out there . Everything was going great, and our last kay, our last kay of hiking we had about 14 miles to go and we were going to be at julian, but at about mile 10 we ran out of water. Stephen thats not good. No, it was not good. Stephen you need that to live, aja. Yeah. I am i am fairly aware. And it was it was pretty tight the whole day. So by 10 miles, when we ran out, my father was hes going to kill me he was struggling just a little bit. And he actually he turned to me and said, go ahead without me. Get to the highway. Stop a car, and get some water. Stephen oh, my god. And bring it back. Stephen leave me to the Mountain Lions. Leave me here to the Mountain Lions. Stephen did you . Did you make it to the highway . Yeah, i just took off running through the desert. Stephen just randoply through the desert . Yes, by myself. Stephen that seems like terrible advice. With, like, my pack and my trekking poles in my hand still, racing through the desert to get to the highway. And i tried to also call my sister and i had, like, 5 battery left on my phone. Stephen good lord. 5 battery left on the phone. The pioneers had 5 left. Thats what happened to the donder party. My schanel, said im like an hour away. I said,daddy told me to go on without him. We ran out of water. Stephen she called for you . She calls my mom. My mom calls the police. The police call the fire department. So i want to say my fathers totally fine. And. cheers and applause and a car a car on the highway did stop and he gave me a huge bottle of cold, red powerade, this angel of a man, and i did take it back to my dad. And about an hour after that as we saw the helicopters circling the area where we were, my father looked at me and says, all i told you to do was go and get some water. laughter stephen it has a happy ending. Happy ending. Stephen and sponsored by powerade, good. Youre on the great show how to get away with murder. My question for you is you have learned finally how to get away with murder like do you actually know some things about how to get away with murder that the rest of us dont right now . It would be really difficult to get away with murder i realized. Being on the show, i learned thats not quite right. There would be fingerprint. You could ping our cell phones. Were definitely going to get caught in this moment i think. Stephen one way would be to lead an old man into the desert and leave him there. Exactly stephen just advice. I mean, the p. C. T. Is a place now youre in an incredibly powerful movie, birth of a nation, which strangely, actually, takes its name from another movie. What did you think when you heard that they were making can birth of a nation when you first heard that title . At first i thought they were trying to make, like, a sequel. And i was extremely confused. Stephen the first because the first one say heroic look at the ku klux klan. Big, bold choice. It would be like, i dont know how id look in a white hood. Stephen exactly, exactly. And theyre not going to make that movie no one is ever going to make that movie unless trump wins. Exactly. But when i did see that it was actually going to be about nat turners slave rebellion in 1831, i thought, oh, wow, a story about the true like the true story of black people in this country and the way we fought back, amazing. Stephen did you know much about that uprising before you did the movie . Im very embarrassed to say that i did not. I didnt know a lot about it. And i got to do a the love great research, though, and i found out so much, especially about the woman that i play, cherry. Its really interesting shes nat turners wife, right . Shes nat turner wes wife, and there was an account in the richmond constitutional wig printed in 1831, and its a piece of evidence that says, i have in my position some papers that i got off nat turners wife, cherry, by the lash. Yeah stephen thats what it says in the newspaper that this person got documents by whipping the character you are playing. Yes, yes. Stephen it must be an incredibly powerful thing to try to inhabit a character like that and understand what theyre going through in this day and age. It is powerful, and its an honor, you know, to be able to breathe life into her again because, you know, she existed. She was real, and she went through this, and stepping into that, even though it was a very intense experience, im just really grateful that i had the opportunity to do it. Stephen well, we have a clip here. And this is you talking to nat turner, and you need to set this up in any way . All i can say is at this point, the rebellion has happened. And, you know, a lot of people are being killed in the process of trying to find nat turner, who has escaped capture. And we believe that there might have been a moment where she had an opportunity to kind of see him for one last time. Stephen jim. Any word on the the other man . Theyve been hanged. All of them. They killed people everywhere for no reason at all but being black. Hay say the killing wont stop till they get you. Stephen as i said, its an incredibly powerful movie. Thank you for that performance, and thank you for this Incredible Opportunity for all of us to learn something about americas past. In a heartbreaking but beautiful way. It was lovely to meet you. Thank you so much. Stephen of stephen the birth of a nation opens today. Aja naomi king, everybody well be right back with comedian Alingon Mitra. Stick around. applause only those who dare drive the world forward. The cadillac ct6. An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Narrator it wasnt that long ago. Years of devastating cutbacks to our schools. 30,000 teachers laid off. Class sizes increased. Art and music programs cut. We cant ever go back. Ryan ruelas so vote yes on proposition 55. Reagan duncan prop 55 prevents 4 billion in new cuts to our schools. Letty munozgonzalez simply by maintaining the current tax rate on the wealthiest californians. Ryan ruelas no new education cuts, and no new taxes. Reagan duncan vote yes on 55. Sarah morgan to help our children thrive. ,,,, cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Stephen my next guest has been a writer for adam ruins everything and the daily show. Please welcome Alingon Mitra applause thank you guys so much. Im feeling great. Im feeling great. I just quit drinking. Okay, thank you for your support, thank you. I didnt really. I didnt really quit. This is what i did. I cut down. I decided im only going to drink if its a holiday or somebodys birthday. On facebook. laughter i got a drink with this election. Im scared people keep dismissing truck. Like last year, there were people who were like, you guys, theres no way trump is going to be the nominee. And this year, there are people who are like, you guys, theres no way trump is going to be president. I feel like next year people are going to be like, you guys, theres no way trump is going to be supreme overlord. laughter people are like, oh, so you love hillary. Look, you can be antitrump and not prohillary. Like, just because i hate diarrhea, doesnt mean i love constipation. Lauz this is how unlikable hillary is. Trump said the most vile stuff about latinos, and she still had to pick a Vice President who speaks spanish. Trump literally said, mexicans are rapists, and there were still latinos out there who were like, no quiero hillary. laughter its crazy to me that there are people are going to vote for somebody because they are not a politician. You know what i like about this guy . Not a politician. Yeah, but thats the job. No other situation would you be comfortable. United states never be like, oh, my god. Im on trial for my life, but you know what i love about my lawyer . Not a lawyer. laughter applause cheers you get on a plane, the pilot comes on, welcome to flight 242. I have, uhh, never done this before, but this is what the people wanted. So please put up your tray tables. Or dont. It doesnt matter. Pilots always have that voice. But growing up, id never hear that voice. Id hear indian accents. But never on a plane, because if you heard that uh, welcome to flight 242 white people would freak out. Theyd be like, red alert hes in the cockpit already laughter people people think i look suspicious on a plane. So i will actively do things to not look suspicious, which in and of itself, highly suspicious. Like, ill smile the whole time, turn to the person next to me, and be like, boy, i hope theyre serving alcohol and pork on this. laughter applause cheers all kinds of people on the plane. I met somebody the other day from stockholm, and i was like, stockholm, thats the capital of sweden. He was like, ya. But how american of me to be like, no, you should be impressed. laughter i know your capital. But if anyone from sweden ever did that to an american . America . Your capital is washington d. C. Wed be like, are you serious right now . Im pretty sure its new york. laughter applause i live in new york now. My roommate has a White Noise Machine to help him sleep. It just goes, shhhhh. I think the reason its called a White Noise Machine is thats the sound white people make when minorities bring up issues laughter applause black people are like, were getting shot shhh. Mexicans are like, this isnt a fair wage shhh. Chinese people are like, were actually japanese. Shhh. laughter trying to be positive, though. I started reading positive quotes on instagram. I read one that said, shoot for the moon. Even if you fail, you land amongst the stars. Which is really beautiful and uplifting if you dont know science. applause because the stars are trillions of times farther away than the moon. So, really, the quote should be, shoot for the stars. Even if you fail, you wont realize because youll have suffocated from the lack of oxygen. Peep say things they dont realize all the time. I went to a restaurant with a foodie and he explained the food to me. And he was like, this is tandoori chicken. Its made in a tandoor. I was like, yeah, i know. I was made in a tandoor. You dont have to explain it. He was like, im so sorry. Why dont you explain it to me . I was like, okay, obviously, i dont actually know. But it this happens all the time. And i was complaining to my white friend about this, and he was like, shhh. laughter applause thank you guys. Stephen you can see him at the comedy cellar here in new york city. Alingon mitra, everybody well be right back. applause they prey on our children, spending billions. Addicting 17,000 California Kids each year. Eventually killing onethird of them. Now Tobacco Companies are spending millions to. Defeat prop 56. Because in every state thats raised tobacco taxes, smoking rates go down. So who are you going to trust . Pediatricians, cancer groups and the califronia pta who all. Support prop 56. Or the Tobacco Companies trying to kill it. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show, everybody have a great weekend. Everybody facing Hurricane Matthew, please stay safe. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight its the coordinates to where you should go its going to be your flight its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from enumclaw,