Transcripts For KPHO The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20161110

And when you do that, all earths problems dissolve away into the infinitude of the space time continuum. Stephen yeah. laughter . Does that make you feel any better . No. laughter why dont we just chuck the telescope . Stephen lets do it. cheers and applause yes its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes miles teller, Neil Degrasse tyson. And triumph the insult comic dog featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause . . . Stephen hey, everybody, thank you so much Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen. Stephen thanks, everybody. cheers and applause thanks, everybody. Thanks so much. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. I think. laughter im not sure what to believe about anything anymore. Let me ask you hows everybody doing right now . How you feeling . cheers and applause all right, all right. Im glad. You know what . Im glad. laughter because, you know, i i am so glad to be with you tonight. I wouldnt want to be alone right now, you know. And if youll be there, im not going anywhere. All right. cheers and applause whats it, four years . Four years . Weve got four very interesting years in front of us. laughter but i dont know about you all, i did not get a lot of sleep last night. Did you sleep at all, jon. Jon about hours. Stephen three and a half hours, and those are jazz hours. Walking around the streets of new york today, a lot of people a little. You know, you could see it in their eyes. Theres no way around it thi this. This is what it feels like when americas made great again. laughter applause i was wondering. And i was really hoping it would sucks. cheers and applause and i dont know if you guys had any trouble getting in here tonight because right now, tonight, thousand of people have taken to the streets in protests in cities all over america. cheers and applause as a matter of fact, in this neighborhood actually, times square and columbus circle, one jim, do we have yeah, we shot it outside, right outside of our office window. Theres the theres the colbert sign right there. So im just saying, the unity thing might take a schooch longer than trump was hoping for. I just want to say, freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, First Amendment its most important things we can do together. cheers and applause dont ever be cowed by whatever happens in the next four years. But do keep in mind that for eight years a lot of people wouldnt accept barack obama was president of the United States. For instance, donald trump. laughter but, like it or not, for the record, not. We have to accept donald trump will be the 45th president of the United States booing no, no. Completely. I just had to say it one more time. I want to just keep saying it so i can say it without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. Or feeling. cheers and applause theres actually theres actually i dont even you feel like its like a little bit of a dream state. All day loang i had to remind myself, oh, yeah, this is not a dream. I am not on a bad peyote trip on this is real. Whatever the g. O. P. Is saying publicly today, i have a feeling they might be feeling the same way. Because, remember, the Republican Party spent almost the entirety of this election in panic trying to stop donald trump from being their nominee, and when they could not, surprise they won the presidency, both houses of congress, and soon, a new seat on the supreme court. Its like the g. O. P. Got caught in a plunging elevator, and they all fell screaming ten stories down and landed gently and have the doors open on a candy store where everything is free. I for me i can gobble up all your rights. Please, please, please. Please, no more reproductive rights. Is willy wonka who has been genetically crossbred with an oompaloompa. Now, one of the things, i had it this a little bit but i didnt spend he much time at home a lot of people are struggling this morning with, besides doing laundry of just their pant for some reason how to explain trumps victory to their kids, you how do we tell them . Well, i think this is one rare instance where we should look to the president elects example last night. Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely. Stephen so just follow his lead, and lie. Going to be good, maybe, you know. Maybe hell be different from how he was and always is. laughter or can we tell the story . You okay with it . Do what my show runner chris did. This is my show runner chris, everybody. cheers and applause chris, you told this story this morning. Do you mind telling the story . Sure. Stephen okay, so this morning you came in and you said that one of your sons woke you up this morning and what he did he say . He said donald trump won last night. And i said, thats actually what happened. And he burst into tears. Difficult change is difficult. Stephen this is the magic part. I said, dont worry, son. Being president is not that big of a job. Stephen okay . Father of the year, right there. cheers and applause i dont know if i could do tell them the new president is elsa from frozen. Its the only way to get them to . Let it go. I dont know what you should tell them. Tell them what you always tell kids, be kind, dont be selfish, dont grab them where they dont want to be grabbed, and theyll make the world a better place than donald trump can. You know . cheers and i dont think kids really should have to care about who the president is. They should care about coloring books and legos, and whether eating pop rocks and coke will make your stomach explode. whispering it totally will, by the way. And if your child asks the ultimate question, why do bad things happen to good people . You finally have the answer the electoral college. And if all else fails, i saw some footage last night of this kid, who was captured on camera at a congressional victory party. Here he is, grandma is dancing in the background while he eyes that glass of wine. And welcome to the Trump Administration yes, yes theres a message of hope. God, somewhere in america, a little boy learned to pound merlot like kathie lee gifford. cheers and applause do we have any . We dont have any. I had a couple of cocktails last night, and i gotta tell you, really helped, you know. You know whos taking this strangely well . Hillary clinton. Even though the possible first female president lost to a crotchgrabbing beauty pageant owner, listen to what she said donald trump is going to be our president. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. Stephen how are you already accepting this . Did you pay extra for the fast pass through the five stages of grief . laughter you know acceptance is last, right . Acceptance is the last one. cheers and applause you got the card. I think shes got the card upside down. Theyre shuffled up. You gotta go through every stage. The first three are bargaining because that was Trumps Campaign strategy. Then youve got depression, then acceptance. Then dramatic haircut and rebound boyfriend. But i cant blame her. Everybody processes grief differently. I heard Elizabeth Warren got a neck tattoo. Way to depression. Or, as a great president once tweeted sad. laughter that hurt. That hurt to say. My heart my heart actually hurt to say that. Now, a lot of folks are very casually throwing around the idea of moving to canada, you be. Plawz plawz. I know, canada, the language of france with the culture of country, youre welcome. But dont reach for your passport yet, because last night, as the election returns were coming in, the canadian immigration website crashed. Dont know why a lot of websites went down last night. Apocalypsebunkers. Net, stresseatersanonymous. Org, and klanklothing. Biz yes, we klan theyre doing a brisk business. Theyve got free healthcare and a Prime Minister who looks like the prince from tangled. cheers and applause but listen up. Everybody up there, every american who is thinking im going to canada. You dont get to flee to another country when things get rough here. Being an american citizen is like family youre in it whether you like it or not. cheers and applause i mean, for petes sake, at thanksgiving, when uncle starts saying racist things about the help, you dont storm off from the table and move in with your nextdoor neighbor. You stay and elect him commander in chief thats america laughter you know when im feeling shaky sometimes ive been doing this all day. I did it last night when the returns were coming in. This is what i like to do, when im feeling a little shaky and little shaky. I like to put these on. laughter and before, seconds ago i was sad. Now, im a sexy kitty. cheers and applause okay . I know this truth, i know this truth trump may be president , but im still a sexy kitty. cheers and applause dont dont go far with those, mark. I might need them later. laughter now, one of the most shocking things about trumps election is that it is shocking. Every pollster just shanked this one right into the woods. I mean, we might as well just ask a magic goat whos going to that wont help, either, because they tried that in scotland, and it picked hillary clinton. Thanks for nothing, magic goat thats why you guys are the donkeys of sheep. laughter but but there are some polling traditions that are better than the socalled scientific polls this year. Like this fish in india who chose to eat food off a picture of trump over a picture of clinton. It makes sense, because trump voters memories dont go back more than seven seconds. cheers and applause its not as sexy without but most accurate of all is the the ways to prognosticate is the well, guess what . This years trump mask outsold clintons. And i believe halloween masks can predict trumps cabinet, too. Get ready for attorney general guy from scream. I gotta say i gotta say guilianis looking good there. cheers and applause hes happy. Thats the happiest thats the happiest ive ever seen and, you know, im a man of some faith, and when bad things like this happen and this does feel bad i have to ask, how could god let this happen . Let what happen, stephen . angelic choir stephen god . Thats my name. Dont wear it out. What are you guys talking about . Stephen god, were trying to figure out what happened with the election last night. Oh, yeah, the election. Stephen god, god, wait, what are you talking about . Werent you watching the election . No, i was bingewatching narcos on netflix. How much did hillary win by . Stephen lord, im sorry, but clinton lost. What the hell . that scottish goat said she had it in the bag laughter stephen i know i know the fish was right all the pollsters were wrong hold on. Let me google it. Says here hillary got more stephen yeah, well, thats the popular vote. She lost the electoral college. That again . Im omniscient, and i dont even know how the hell that works. Stephen nobody does. Anyway, lord, trump won. I guess i shouldnt be surprised that white men came out on top again, considering how everyone assumes i look. Stephen good point. Stephen, i feel terrible about this whole thing. Let me make it up to you. How about a new animal thats thats very kind, but i think were all good. Can you at least tell us what what we should do . Stephen, if youre really unhappy, i could just hit the reset button on humanity. You know, maybe send a flood or a plague of locusts. Oh, ive been working on a new one where your heads melt like that nazi in raiders of the lost ark. Stephen thank you, no. What, what . You drip like a candle. Its really cool. No, at this point, we just have to accept that trump to be our president. Hey dont pin this on me my wife will kill me stephen god, everybody god thanks everybody. cheers and applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Dont go anywhere. 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Lets see what kind of spin she puts on this next one. Yep, arizona winners choose casino arizona. Where locals rule. Guess what else rules . Cash and cars. Win cash, free slot play or a new 2door bmw 230i during strive to drive sundays only at casino arizona and. It looks like shannon approves. . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. We late show here from the ed sullivan theater in beautiful new york city. You know my first guest from the films whiplash and war dogs. Now he plays professional boxer vinny paz in the upcoming film bleed for this. Please welcome miles teller. . . . applause . Nice. Very nice. Sounding good. Stephen does sound good. Stephen, i heard you singing backstage in my dressing room. I said, who is that . You have the voice of an angel. Stephen youre very sweet. Youre very good. Do you sing on the show very often or is that a hidden talent. Stephen sometimes. When jon stewart stops by. He has an amazing voice. Stephen i was sing ising Jackson Browns the pretender. It sound stephen its a good song for today. Look it up. Can we talk about last night for a second . Yes. Stephen because youre one of these fancy movie stars and you were at bobby de niros Election Night party . Yeah, i was. Stephen was that fun . It was because he hes very fun when hes angry. Was he it was um you know, it started off, you know, at a at a good vibe. And then, obviously, as things obviously was going for hillary. The best part about the whole thing for me was meeting paul mccartney. Stephen wow so that was that was applause clap is up for paul hes the dude, hes the man. Stephen did he tell you any stories . Did he tell you any stories like, you know, when the ladz and i were, you know, you know, back in the star club in hamburg, stuff like that . Yeah, kind of kind of along those lines. Yeah, im a huge beatles fan, so iu on his way out, but i did get a few questions in. My girlfriend snuck a photo in. Happened. Its proof. I have the photo, stephen, do you know what im saying. Stephen you can tell your grandchildren. It erased in the clouds. I miss pictures. Beautiful stage, by the way, too, its my first time here. Just the whole thing is unbelievable. Stephen its gorgeous. Great crowd. applause popping in and out, as one does. Stephen hes on the staff. Hes on the staff here. laughter youve got now lets move on from something lets leave the election and go on to something happier, you being repeatedly punched in the face. Another great, great. Stephen you are playing the boxer vinny paz. Yeah. Stephen in the new movie bleed for this. Its a truistic right . Its a true story. I think its a movie its coming out november 18. If you want to watch, fundamental to get away from the just want to watch two people beat each other up, and watch an incredible comeback, which is really vinny in israel life he was a twotime world champion, and got in a car accident and broke his neck. And they said, you might never walk again. Youll never box again. You can do spinal fusion or get the halo put in your head. They said, spinal fusion you will guaranteed be able to walk. He said thats not good enough and five days later, he was bench pressing. For the six months he was injured, worked out the entire time, risked pra paralysis, and coming back and wins the world title. What, nobody wants to spar with me . Hey. Ill spar with you. Yeah . Good. Youre doing a good thing. Come on what are you doing . Hit me. I cant hit you, man. Were not dancing you okay . Yeah, im good. cheers and applause get did you actually get punched in the face a bunch . You accidentally get punched in the face. People are on payroll to make sure you dont. Stephen he boxes for fun help he said he enjoys it. I saw that bit. Yeah, he does. I dont know. Stephen is he okay . Yeah, aarons cool. Yeah hes a really nice guy. Very nice. Stephen but somethings a little off. Stephen really . You know what im saying . I dont know. Stephen ill show you something thats a little bit off. You trained for this part and got in shape, and heres whats off right here. Everythings off right there. cheers and applause thats it. Yeah, yeah. Stephen how long did that take . Which part . laughter stephen lets say, lets say the waxing. How long did that take . How long did it take to get in shape like this . I had to lose muscle to look like that. I walk around jacked, man, huge. Stephen damn. Well, my muscles are relaxing because im enjoying myself. But when i have to perform im full on. Stephen did you have to lose body fat. Whats your body fat . Whats your percentable here . I got down to 6 . Stephen what yeah, what . Stephen they say fromy 5 to 8 is the oscar zone. Oh, yeah gr the academy is going to come in with calipers. Whats your body fat now . Um, just laughter stephen you dont know . Im hunkering around golden globe body fat. Stephen good, good. Good luck. Thank you so much for being here. Appreciate it. Stephen bleed for this opens nationwide friday november 18. Miles teller, 6 body fat. The one shes been eyeing all year. . . Happiness is . . Happiness is . . Different things to different people . . Different things to different people . [gasp] the gift theyre waiting for is waiting on ebay. . Thats what happiness is . New, unique, and everything in between. Find it. Add it. Get it fast. . . Is that coffee . Youre ready. . . Get ready to experience a cup above. Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . . When it comes to heartburn. Trust the brand doctors trust. Nexium 24hr is the 1 choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. For all day and all night protection. Banish the burn. With nexium 24hr. Before danny got what he was dreaming about for the holidays. [ dinosaur growls ] and his dad earned 2 back at Grocery Stores and wholesale clubs. Yeah even before they earned 3 back on gas. Dannys parents used their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to give him the best day ever. Thats the joy of rewarding connections. . . . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band cheers and applause hey, you know, people at home may not know this, but i come out before the show and i take questions from the audience. And frequently i get asked, hey, who is your favorite guest you have on the show . And, you know, i like a lot of people coming on the show. I feel very grateful that anybody comes on any of shows im on, but i always say this, and i mean it from the heart, my favorite guest is my next one, mr. Neil degrasse tyson. cheers and applause . . . Oh, my gosh stephen. Stephen we redecorated for place. Stephen we have a galaxy up there tonight. You have stars, and your dome has a galaxy on it. Stephen i dont know which one it is, but its one of the nice ones. Thats beautiful. Stephen now, neil, thanks for being here. How did you spend Election Night . I was with i have a close friend who an Election Party and it kind of ended early. Thats all some people have drinking games. Any drinking games or anything like that . I was never a drinking game pers drinking game last night. I took a shot every time i wanted to kill my feelings. It worked, it worked. I like something you said. You said we spend too much time bashing trump. What do you mean by that . No, no, i said, i think as a culture weve somehow become politician bashers. When if the politician is representing an electorate. So, really, if youre against a politician, youre against their voter base, fellow citizens of this country. To educate people, i dont say, dont vote for this person or vote for that person. I just simply educate you, so when the time comes, you can make as informed a decision as you can. cheers and applause . Stephen thats very positive. Yeah, yeah. Stephen now, when we were talking at the top of the show here, you and i were up on the roof you visit meade. Stephen talking about the cosmic perspective. Whats your cosmic perspective right now . Highway can people use the cosmic illucidate that a little bit more for us. So for me, its just what the as i said in the open what the world looks like after youve studied the vastness of the universe. And you come back to earth, and theres this little speck, and people worrying and fighting. And in fact, the best account of the cosmic perspective i have written here. Stephen oh, wow. Here we go. Stephen is that always with you . laughter every pockets got a different quote. Okay. Consciousness. A people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world and a compulsion to do something about it. From out there on the moon, International Politics looks so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter million miles away and say look at that, you son of a bitch. That is edgar mitchell, apollo that is the cosmic perspective. I couldnt say it better than that. cheers and applause stephen ill tell you what, weve got to take a quick break here. Stick around. Weve got more Neil Degrasse tyson to come. Hes the best. . . . applause the world is full of surprising moments. Theyre everywhere. I can embrace them all. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts at members. Marriott. Com. This is my body of proof. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Joint and skin symptoms. Its proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. Humira is the number 1 prescribed biologic for Psoriatic Arthritis. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Were back here with ties. Im your host, sexy kitty cat. This is a live show. Stephen it is a live show. I can poke you and they cant edit it or anything. Stephen i can also punch you and they cant edit it, either. You are also the author of star talk, and the host of star talk radio. You working on anything else . Do you have any other projects we nee stephen you have another book . Oh, this one, you mean, the one i also have back here, called, welcome to the universe. Welcome to the universe. You have to say it right. Stephen i dont think i can do that. Legally, i dont think i can be that tiesy. This is an exploration on the frontier of the universe. It is not only a mile wide, it is a mile deep. Stephen the universe . Stephen it takes my mind off the election for a second, blow my mind about something. I can do that. Stephen blow my mind. Let me just say, i think we have a fouryear mission now. I think what we need to do, let us, together, make america smart again. cheers and applause just sayin. Stephen im a fan. Okay . Stephen im a fan. Lets make america smart again. Stephen im a huge rationality and the scientific method. You need something to blow your mind, take your mind off the election. Stephen something about the universe, something that you just found out. A billion years ago ago two black holes collided. They released as much energy in a tenth of a second as 10 times all the energy radiated by all the stars in the universe at that time. That created a ripple through the fabric of space and time, moving at the speed of light, a ago on earth, our life ancestors were singlecelled organisms, trying to evolve into something more ambitious than microorganisms. A half a billion years ago, the cam brian explosion of life, life got interesting. It developed limb limbs, eyes, o motion. After that, fast forward, we have the dinosaurs. By the way, this ripple through the fabric of space and time is still moving through space at the speed 65 million years another the giant lizards we call dinosaurs went and i think when the asteroid hit, and the mamalian ancestors, can can now rise up and occupy this niche, freshly pried open by this asteroid. So this mammal branch would create a subset of itself known as primates. And among those primates became some of them became human. And in the community of humans, capacity to communicate, civilization, and we birthed someone called albert einstein. And in 1916, he advanced the general theory of relativity, predicting the existence of these gravity waves. At that point, that gravity wave was 100 lightyears from earth and still headed our way. 100 years later, last year, at the end of last year, that wave washed over the earth, just when we were able to turn on would happen in the first place. And we used lasers to do so, that were first predicted by einstein back in laughter . Stephen 19. 16. Einstein laid down the equations for the development of the laser, and 100 years later, we discover Gravitational Waves using lasers. And so neil, neil . I just have to stop you for a second. Because i want to point out you blew your own mind there. laughter applause im sorry. I gotta i gotta call selfmind blown. Weve got to go because were live. But thank you so much for being here. Thank you star talk the show is on national geographic, and star talk the book is in stores. Welcome to the ymps. Neil degrasse tyson, everybody well be right back with trumph the insult comic dog. Mobility is very important to me. Thats why i use e trade mobile. Its on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle. And it keeps my investments fully mobile. Even when im on the move. Sign up at etrade. Com and get up to six hundred dollars. . Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, no other eyeexam is more precise. But grandma, we use charmin ultra soft so we dont have to wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. . [beeping] take on any galaxy with a car that could stop for you. Simulation complete. The new nissan rogue. Rogue one a star wars story. 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Sexy Kitty Stephen you do a very sexy kitty cat. Thank you. Stephen does it feel good . It feels better. It feels better. One more thing. Okay, okay. Now, im good. Now, im really good. Stephen triumph. Yes. Stephen youve got your yes. Stephen your coverage emmy nominated. Stephen emmynominated exaem. Are you going to win . No, no, it already happened. The emmys. Stephen sorry. Youre just pretending it didnt happen. Stephen if im not nominated, i dont care. All right. Its on hulu, right . Its on hulu. And look how big i am. I made the cover of the New York Times today. Stephen you are on the cover of the New York Times today. We have it reet triumph right there cheers and applause . Stephen thats thats thats really about trump, you know. Look and its soaking, wet, triumph. Dont mind the peepee. Thats not directed towards trump. I just wanted to pee on the New York Times before trump knocks it out of business. Stephen another now youve very absorbent. Stephen covering elections for years. Yes. Stephen why did the people coming . Like yourself, the elitists. Stephen okay. Its the elitists that doesnt dnt see it. You underestimated trump. Folks, it turns out donald trump, only donald trump was in touch with the american people. Though, most of them against their will. laughter applause stephen so, youre saying we didnt understand we you underestimated the trump. You underestimated the voters. You know, people are blaming the election on vot b can which i think is very unfair to the racists. rim shot you elitists, you need to go out, go out and see the real america. I hear the meth is amazing laughter stephen so i mean, it has to be. Look who they voted for cheers and applause stephen so, but all the pollsters, okay it wasnt just it wasnt just pundits. It was like, there were people with science. What about the pollsters. Know what happened withinate silver. I dont want to say five 38 is flawed but they have hillarys chances at 34 put but dont worry. Stephen do you think theyll be able to improve their model next time . Yes, theyve come up with a plan to fix their problem. Theyre upping their margin of error to 100 . rim shot . Stephen okay, so, why so why did clinton lose, do you have any idea why she lost . Because hillary, its people talk about her the sound of her voice. Its not that. Hillary didnt have an issue. She ran on nothing. But, meanwhile, donald trump had a clear message. I have a hat. Wont you you join me and my hat . laughter . Stephen okay, okay. Its a red hat. For gods sake. Its a red hat stephen what can we expect . You know who i feel bad for. Stephen who . I feel bad for poor tim kaine. You know, all summer hes been forced to talk in spanish. So much during the campaign, you know, its a fact. He can no longer speak until someone presses the number 2 on their phone. laughter applause rim shot shot judge. From your vantage point, what trump . I want to be optimistic. Dont you think he can do what he promised and return us to a better time, like yesterday afternoon . laughter applause rim shot cheers and applause no, its going to be exciting . Really, in what way . How is it going to be exciting . We finally get to see donalddonalds plan to destroy. Which i assume is to buy it and rim shot cheers and applause . Stephen you really think he can be trusted as commander in chief . Oh, please all this everyone worried. Hes a mad man hes donald trump up and know what . If theres any consolation, folks, the finger on the button is going to be really, really tiny. laughter so he might miss it. Hell miss it or have to perez it s so many times hell just ge up. Oh, this button, screw it stephen what about cabinet who will fill his cabinet. Big cabinet rumors. No word yet about Chris Christie if he will have a job. But trump announced the creation of a new cabinet called secretary, are you going to finish that . I think christie is going to be a highranking cabinet member, or hell be the wall. applause triumphs election watch 2016 is on hulu. Triumph, everybody stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sting and tandie newton. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, ryan phillippe, john lithgow, and kyra sedgwick. Goodnight