Stephen colbert. Tonight John Krasinski and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert. [ cheers and applause ] stephen thank you so much. Whew. Whew. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. That feels good. Haha. Yes. Thanks very much. All right. All right. Have a good night. Hey, welcome to the show, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Good to see you. How is everybody feeling tonight all right . [ cheers and applause ] all righty. Me, too. Me, too. I feel good. I feel free, i being me. Im Stephen Colbert and as we know, you guys have been watching the news, the first president ial debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. [ laughter ] Hillary Clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. She rehearses over and over again to perfect the pacing and substance of her presentation. Of course, you know shes the mr. Moderator, but may i point out, you forgot to give us any homework today. Meanwhile, donald trump is all about spectacle. One former aid said trump wants to be a showstopper in the roman coliseum, the main event at wrestlemania. Which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at Trumps Campaign and say thats got to be fake [ laughter ] now politicians, sarah palin. [ laughter ] mrs. Palin just posted on facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called rockrunning. Not sure what rockrunning is, but i think its when you jog while playing air guitar, and whew. And whew. No guitar . [ guitar music ] [ laughter ] you just found out the entire band is preregard recorded every night. Prerecorded every night. Theyre standing there doing that every time. Listen to what happened. Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Dont worry, shes ok or, you know, the same. And the proof that sarah palin hasnt lost a step isth injury into an attack on Hillary Clinton. This is her actual post on facebook. Leave hillary alone, bullies. Aww, cmon guys, give her a break, anyone could be out of commission for weeks on end whilst in the heat of battle for the highest office in the land. Heck, even those of us claiming to be fit as a seasoned . Fiddle hit bumps in the wellness i remember pipers middle name is grace mine isnt rockrunning recently. I tripped over my own two feet and crashed and burned facefirst. Glad for hillarys protective medias precedence. Next woman running for potus has no need to answer to much of anything. For weve got weddings to plan and downdogs to do and cookies in the oven. Just leave us alone, boys. Now i would chalk that up to head trauma, if it doesnt sound like Everything Else she says. Any way, she is injured. Now, id like to wish sarah palin a speedy recovery and would like to do it in a language shied understand so first shed understand so first, governor palin, i hope you rest up there, heck, what with the rockruning and the stone sciping and the boulder bingo, remember my middle name is tyrone with the media coverup of the danger zone and everybodys cutting footloose, Loosey Goosey good for the gander, good for the planner of hey, track. Trig. Trigtrack, break up your mammas back. Why . Because our veterans drill, baby, drill. Try our mozzarella sticks, ask me about free shipping. God bless it. So just leave us alone, voices. [ applause ] the election itself is just 70 days away and theres some shocking news that change everything. For more, lets go to my colleague wolf blitzer at the late show news desk. Woolf . Breaking news were following. Were learning that hackers have breached databases for election systems in illinois and arizona with the personal data of as many as 200,000 registered voters has apparently been compromised. Stephen i cant believe our election has been hacked i mean, election rolls are always guarded by our most techsavvy volunteers your service fortunately the f. B. I. Knows whos responsible for this haq. U. S. Intelligence officials are telling nbc news that Russian Hackers were behind two recent attempts to breach state Voter Registration systems. The breachs are fueling concerns that the russian government may be trying to interfere with the u. S. President ial election. Stephen folks, we cannot let the russians mess with president ial elections. Next will be Something Like the voice. The illinois election boys say they dont expect a hack to affect the integrity of the election. Im here to reassure america that everythings under control. Please welcome the chairman of the illinois board of elections. Sir, thank you so much for joining us. Hello . I am illinois chairman johnny cowboy. Stephen thank you for being here, chairman cowboy. Now, your state was recently hacked. How are things going over there . Oh, everything is hunkeynormal in lincolnland. T stephen glad to hear it. What about the rest of the country . Is it going to be ok . Everything is safe, saf safe. No need to strengthen security measures, like in the key swing state of ohio or as we like to call it here in america, the new ukraine. Stephen i dont think we call it that. Is what is going to be on voting machine. Stephen well, youre the expert. What if theres another hack attempt, though . What should the states do to defend themselves . Oh, excellent question. Excellent question, we will send click link to update password and for mega volume, make her say, wow, wow, wow stephen thank you for that security measure, sir. Go, Michael Jordan baseball go stephen chairman johnny cowboy, everybody. Thank you, chairman. Thank you very much. Say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . [ music ] . [ cheers and applause ] stephen i missed my segue already. That was nice. My Apple Fitness tracker said i had negative steps. [ laughter ] story everybody will be talking about tomorrow, because its donald trump. Trump is planning a major immigration policy speech wednesday in arizona. Now, he was originally supposed to give it last thursday in colorado, so it moved later and further south. If he delays it again, its monday at the panama canal. But he has to give this speech sooner or later, because immigration has gone from being the one thing everyone they thought they knew a supporters here, huh . So i hope im pronouncing that correctly. Huh . So its time to clear this up, but not too much, because while what trumps saying now sounds confused and meaningless, he might just be confused and meaningless like a fox. Werd. Double fission. Now double vision. Now, vehicles, from the very beginning, Trumps Campaign has been based on two things hes based it on built build the wall and deport em all. And, folks, that worked great in the primaries, but just look at any recent poll. The thing is, in recent polls, trumps numbers havesh you see, his attacks on mexicans and muslims are clearly hurting him with moderate voters. So, just last week in a townhall hall town hall, trump toned down his immigration tough talk. Is there any part of the law that you might be able to change that would accommodate those people that contribute to society, have been lawabiding, have kids here . There certainly could be a softening. Stephen yes there could be a but that day day, he went soft on the softening. He used the word softening. I dont think its a softening, i think but 11 Million People are no longer going to be deported. I would say its a hardening. Stephen ok, so its a softening thats also a hard and i i need to say trump, because at the town hall, the night before right after he announced the initial softening, he immediately hardened it. Who who wants those people thrown out . I do i love this guy. This is my guy stephen do you hear that . He just said he wouldnt throw anyone out but then one guy suddenly hes like, this is my guy, and that that is innovative leadership. You see, for years, politicians have been so afraid of Immigration Reform that they wouldnt take any position. Now, donald trump has taken two. And this isnt this is mine. This is not flipflopping. Hes not saying up and then his position say firm up and down. And its not just mexicans. He also has clear positions on muslims. Jond j. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. Stephen firm. Now, lets try soft. Its a temporary ban. It hasnt been called for yet. No ones done it. This is just a suggestion. A suggestion and no ones called for it, and he called for it, does that mean hes nobody . Plus, trump has promised to bring overseas jobs back to america. And at the same time, his shirts are made in bangladesh, his ties in china, his suits in mexico. So whatever you believe, trump agrees with you. I dont ow getting 100 of the vote. So, to win this election, trump is going to ha to take every position on every issue other than obviously whether hillary should be president. She would be a terrible president. Well, i know her, and she would make a good president. Stephen wow he is a fantterrible thats the word. . . The ford freedom sales event is on our biggest event of the year just got better . . Announcing zero for seventytwo across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs. Plus, tagged vehicles now get a thousand smart bonus. From interest. And freedom to choose with ford. Americas best selling brand. . . Now get 0 financing for 72 months across the entire ford lineup, . Never underestimate the power of energizer. Nexium 24hr is now the 1 choice of doctors and pharmacists for their own frequent heartburn. For complete protection all day and night make nexium 24hr your 1 choice. Dded my favorite part adjustable base, is to be able to lift your legs up a little bit, and it feels like im just cradled. Change your sleep, change your life. Change to tempurpedic. Now thru september 11th, upgrade and save on select tempurpedic mattresses . [ music ] . Stephen were back, everybody. Welcome back. My first guest tonight is an actor director and overall nice yet surprisingly hunky guy. His latest film is the hollar hollars. This is staceys house . Yeah. Come on you divorced her like years ago it was a divorce. I dont want a strange man hanging around my daughters. Theyre by the window. That doesnt work dont talk. Just get down. Hes coming. Hes coming. Hes coming. Hes coming. Hes coming. Hes coming over hes coming over . Im going to kill you im going to kill you this is very upsetting to me. Stephen please welcome John Krasinski. [ cheers and applause ] . [ music ] . Stephen nice to have you back. Good to see you. Great to be back. Stephen i dont believe you get to do this every night. This is awesome. Stephen its awesome when i have a guest like you. Thats very nice. Stephen well, i paid him to that. Stephen the last time you were here we became best friends. Stephen kind of became best friends. I figured if i said it on camera, itd be official. Stephen want to shake on it . Sure. Stephen want to hug on it . Sure. Stephen let your head back on the camera side because i know how showbiz friendship works. You know this is my better side . Stephen i do. I do. You dont have a bad side. This is just a nightmare. People think, oh, its true . Stephen the last time you were here, we went out to dinner together. People always say that. People dont end up doing that. I first stalked you. Remember i said . Remember i said . Stephen you did a little bit. You did a little bit. I was lying in my bed with my wife and you said when are we doing this . I couldnt believe you said that. Its very show business to say lets go to dinner but to do it. You do this a lot. Whats with fake guns in hollywood . People love it. But i did, i asked to you come to dinner. I didnt think you would ever come to dinner. Youre very busy. Youre very beloved. Stephen i am, yeah. Youre the very first person to say the busy part. Ill take the love, too. You and your lovely wife are the first famous friends that ive made. I have friends that are famous, dont get me wrong, but the only reason that we know each other is we were famous together on thats right. Yeah. Yeah. We did make history, though. Stephen whatd we do . It was one of the best shows ever. Yeah . No . You dont remember . Stephen you were here. We got the report back, it was good. It was good . Stephen they said it was one of the best ever. We met during the Kennedy Center honors. Stephen oh shoot thats when we did meet. Im sorry. Wow, were no longer best friends. You dont even remember the first time you met me stephen we sat in each others laps at the kennedy me a ride. Your car for whatever reason was allowed to drive up to the portico of the white house and ours wasnt. Yep. Stephen what the hell does that mean . I dont know what it means but i took it as a huge, huge confidencebooster. And then i said, why dont you get in our car . Stephen seriously, we did end up sitting on each others laps or something. I dont know why they sent a smart car to pi u were crammed in there talking like this i remember. I want to point out that i think i picked up dinner. When we just had dinner . Stephen yeah, i think i paid for it. Thats silly. I was doing it to impress you. I always pick up dinner. Stephen i went to the bathroom. When i came back, it was all taken care of. Thats my move. Stephen i had a fuller bladder. Thats how you always get us. Wife . Just had a baby, right . Just had a baby yes. Thank you. Thank you very much. I did so much. Stephen did you something. I just stood there like, oh my god, is it happening . Stephen this is your second baby . Second hazel. Stephen and vyelet. I love and violet. I love it. Thats what it is. Stephen old lady names. We went on the internet site to check the popularity of your both of the names werent popular since 1890. And i thought, well take names precar. Thats what well do. Stephen sure, dress the kids up in bustles every your wife, the lovely emily blunt, she shell love this shell love this. Stephen you think so . I think so. Stephen no reason why anyone i think so. Stephen also an old way to describe someone as lovely. If you say it with an accent. Oh, shes lovely. Stephen were broadcasting live right now. No, but shes english and youre american and how are you raising the kids . That must be a tough choice. Well, so we dont have problems with accents, were raising them that they cant speak. Stephen oh, ok. And then at 18, theyll be like, surprise, i have a british accent. Our oldest madonna right now. Like a little bit of both. A little bit of both. Stephen how old is she . 2 1 2. Shes got a little bit of a british accent. She says stuff like woota. Dada, may have a woota . I say, can we go to the playground . She says, i cant. Show tonight. She says, im going to the chat show. I lost the battle of a lifetime because my wife got to play mary poppins. Some people didnt know. Before you cheer, picture the demise of my cool factor in my house. Ill never be cool again. Zeph steph oh, because mom. Stephen oh, because mom is mary poppins. Look at the movi oh, mary poppins. Stephen at best, youre mr. Darling. No im adorable. Stephen no. The characters name. I know what you said. I am adorable. You keep calling her lovely. I want to take something from her. Stephen you got a lot. Youre both adorable or you should be described as adorkable. Used to be. Not anymore. Because now youre hunky. Oh, thanks. Movie you pumped up for. Are you still jacked . Look at you just look can i feel . Can i . Wow. Pretty good, right . Stephen let me get in there. Thats all right. Thats all right. Thats ok. In about two more months, you can try it, ok . Stephen um, um, ill tell you what, why dont we cut to commercial break and ill feel your abs while were on commercial break and ill report back to everybody else. Well be right back with more evere rheumatoid arthritis, and youre talking to your doctor about your medication. This is humira. This is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. This is humira helping me go further. Humira works for many adults. It targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. Doctors have been prescribing humira for over 13 years. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. Including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ready for a new chapter . Talk to your rheumatologist. One day, ms. Jenkins told us to make whatever we wanted with crayons. Whatever we wanted. So we did but, the art room wasnt big enough. It only made sense to build a bigger school. And houses, offices, and a whole neighborhood. Turns out, you can do anything with crayons t when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Its applebees new wood fired grill menu. Serving up a delicious variety seared to smoky oak perfection. Theres something for every craving. Like savory woodfire grilled chicken with two sides for just 9. 99. The new wood fired grill. [ cheers and applause ] stephen welme back, everybody. Were back here. Were back here with the adorable John Krasinski. Ok . I fought for it and i got it. Stephen exactly right. We had him notarized as adorable. Your new film was called the hollars. We had a clip of the episode when you first came out here. Like in this film . I was attached to the actor six or seven years ago. The financier couldnt get it made. He said, buy the script out and try to make it as your own. I said, that sounds like a terrible financial decision to me. I decided to go for it any way its a really incredibly special movie. Its a movie i used to love growing up, family movies like terms of endearment and things that make you think about the power of family im big i dont see much anymore. Its true. I hope this movie people ask me, what do you hope for the movie . Usually when you do press stories, you say go see the movie because im in it. This is the first time that i am saying i dont care if you see it because im the director and actor. Stephen youre the director, too . Yes i am. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I tapped myself so. Doesnt take your note . No, not at all. To be hones, we have the greatest actors in this movie. If you know the characters in this movie, theyre great people. Great people. Stephen as a director i was a waiter for many years. If i get bad service as a restaurant, i have no patience. I have no patience for that. Really . Stephen yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow stephen im not a better customer. Im a much worse customer. When we were at dinner, were you judging . To oneminute approach . Was there something wrong with the dish . Just take it away. Dont [ bleep ] debate me take it away. So, in the same way as a director talking to an actor, just like, im the director, do what i say roll em if we go back on what you just said, thats how i talk to my actors. I melt a lot the when theyre acting. I just do this a lot, like, when wondering i try to act through them the best way to do it no, god, if i did that, i hope they would slap me in the face. Stephen i would go see that. You would . You would . Ok. Not the movie, you just want to see the outtakes of people slapping me . Stephen are there outtakes of the movie . Therell be outtakes when it comes out on dvd. Youll pay for it because were best friends now. Stephen ive already establishei paid for dinner though. Shouldnt you pick up the movie tickets . Stephen we should call a fake and then theres the makeup sex. Thats what i look forward to the most. Stephen lets point out that our wives are watching this. Your lovely wife and my lovely wife. One thing that you and i have in common and your wife also actually enjoys is doing puke takes. Fake vomiting. Something i had a lot of fun with our mutual friend steve vomiting with me now . Ill do it all day every day. Stephen ok, great. And because lets do because you and i both have lovely lives and because theyre the only women in the world that would probably put up with this, why dont i suggest we do a shakespearean sonnett a love poem to our wives, all right . And you talk to yours over there and ill talk to mine over here and obviously emily, haha. Stephen over there. Thats not a real person. If you want to begin, ill follow you. Puke take, shakespeare. Emily, shall i compare thee to a summers [ laughter ] thou art more lovely and more more. Stephen rough winds do shake the lead has all too short a da day. Stephen sometime too hot the eye of heaven and often is gol gold is gold and fair from fair sometimes by chance or natures changing course untrimmd. Stephen but thy eternal summer shall not fade nor lose possession of that owst. Nor shall death brag thou wanderst in this shade, when in eternal lines to time thou growst. So so long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so so long lives this, and this gives life to thee stephen end scene. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i hope they appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] stephen the hollars is out now. John krasinski, everybody. Brody. [ cheers and applause ] when youve been making delicious natural cheese for over 100 years like kraft has, you learn a lot about peoples tastes. Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight . Oh whatever youre making. Triple cheddar stuffed sliders. Sold buy one take one is back at olive garden choose one delicious entr . E at our place and another for yours starting at 12. 99 ill call you back. Is this my car . State farm knows that for every one of those moments. What . This is ridiculous theres one of these. Sam, i gotta go. Is this my car . What . This is ridiculous this cant be happening this cant be happening oh, its happening sweetheart. Oh, its happening sweetheart. Shut up shut up thats why state farm is there, what a day. With car insurance, for when things go wrong. Stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back. My next guest tonight starred in the o. C. And now has a new show on crackle called startup. Please welcome adam brody [ cheers and applause ] hey there, adam brody i like to read. Stephen did you want to read the script for th interview were about to do right now . Yeah, i do. Stephen i memorized all of my lines. Ill go with it. Ill follow the. Stephen nice to meet you. Thank you for having me. Stephen i understand you were a victim of a crime on the way to do this show . Stephen left it . Well, to be determined. Stephen to me, it looks like this was a theft. It slowly becomes stuff of legend in the last 12 hours, which is so silly. Stephen did you steal this and no, but i think i borrowed it from the good people at armani, theyre very nice. When a fashion disaster strikes. Stephen will you introduce me . I want something from them. What is it . Looks like a gucci, yeah, not too shabby. Stephen not o gucci, armani, ciao, bella. I left the plane, i turned around right when i went to baggage claim. I left. I had them hang it for me i just took a carryon and a suit. Stephen youre in first class, my friend. Back in coach, they say, wou you like us to compost that for you . [ laughter ] but, yeah, i asked and they said, oh, i wasnt there and, what are you going to do . Seth, was described couldnt get a girl described as something of a dork, ok . That is him. Couldnt get a girl, ok . In fairness, its pretty dorky itself. Stephen its pretty dorky . No, this is me in high school. Thats dorky. Ok . Im sorry. You know, put on the braces, take off the makeup and thats very much the Fox Television stephen exactly. This is who youre playing on the o. C. But were you actually were you actually a dork when you were in high school . Not not really, but i wasnt very cool either. My high school was actually it was so melo i was one of the first graduating classes that started. I started as a freshman. It was new. It felt like a community colle college. I dont remember there being a social hierarchy at all, so i was just my group did our own remember there being a social hierarchy, that means well. Stephen that means yeah, you know. Thats like a lion going, i dont remember anybody eaten in the jungle. I dont remember a prom king or anything like that. Stephen wasnt you . Certainly wasnt me, although i was talking to a buddy two days ago who we were freshmen water polo players that was the only year i played. Stephen you were on the Water Polo Team . And and before it was a very embarrassing thing. I wasnt i hadnt gone through puberty when i was a freshman and, um, he recalls getting hung by his speedo, he and another kid, and i wasnt, i wasnt one of those kids. So there was i guess there was seniors hanging kids by their speedos. Stephen and not you . And not me. Its ok. I made it out all right. Stephen youre a surfer, right . Correct. Correct. I do. I do. I hurt myself recently. Six weeks ago. Hurt my knee. Thank you. Stephen howd that happen . You i was just kind of a oh, ah. Stephen i dont speak the lingo, my friend. I landed on it wrong. Stephen are you afraid of sharks or anything . Is this in california youre surfing . Yes. Stephen arent you afraid . On the shark map there thats what i call the surf are off, you look like a giant, juicy seal. I grew up surfing. Never thought about it. Never saw a shark. I stopped surfing for my 20s. When i got back in the water infrequently, then all of a sudden i had this its sort of an its rationale but statistically its irrational and then i do have a little bit i put my feet up sometimes on the board when im waiting but its still a you know, there are many more things to be scared of. Stephen exactly. Than sharks. Stephen exactly. What a horrible way to die. Stephen it would be a horrible way to die. I hope no one plays this footage later of you. For a laugh. Stephen it would be funny. It would be funny. It would be really funny. Youve got my consent. Stephen entertainment tonight would play this footage and then theyd play their mus music. I wont say who died today but in all theheadlines, they always go soandso dead how about like, dies at 80 . News now and i dont like it. Stephen i dont like it either. Team wilder is who im referring to. Stephen so sad, wonderful comedic actor and wonderful man, evidently. [ cheers and applause ] [ applause ] and as far as i know, as far as i know, no sharks involved. Well, adam, thank you so much for being here. Adam brody. Well be right back with a broken bones. Broken bones. Thank you, adam. . [ music ] . Thank you, adam. Prepcook by night. Y, also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy joseph. A middleaged man whos trying to get his life together, but he cant hes to sloppy. Huhhh no here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Everythings on sale a Home Shopping show takes place on a sailboat. Thats the one banana boat dessert on me. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. Today sarahs class is reading my most celebrated work, hamlet. But, alas, poor sarahs home again with tooth pain. Its more than cash back. Shes missing out on the rich classroom discussion and catching up on social media instead. Notcool. Remedialreading. Ohlooktheregoesyourgpa. . . Take on any road with intuitive allwheel drive. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] . [ music ] . What body aches . What knee pain . What sore elbow . Advil liquigels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. Man, im glad aflac pays cash. Aflac isnt Major Medical enough . No whos gonna help cover the holes in their plans . Like rising copays and deductibles. Aflac or help pay the mortgage . Or child care . Aflaaac and everyday expenses . Aflac learn about one day pay at aflac. Com boat stephen here performing all gentlemen, st. Paul and the broken bones cheers and applause . . . . Velvet fist in the gut while everyone is slinging mud . Jesus found his politics but nobody listens . Rent will rise . Rent will rise but our doctors keep us high . We cant get too low i know its all broken . But i aint got the focus is it hell, is it well . I cant tell what side im on . I cant tell whats right or wrong . We cant ever just sing one song . Love goes hate goes now im left all alone . Everyone seems too shy but we get lost in the sights . Follow your sister please just try to hold her tighter . I cant seem to focus i know its so broken . Is it hell, is it well . Can anybody even tell . I cant tell whats right or . Wrong we cant ever just sing one song . Love goes, hate goes now im left all alone . All i ever wondered all i ever wondered all i ever wondered . All i ever wondered would we make it through . Make it through i cant tell what side im on . I cant tell whats right or wrong . We cant ever just sing one song . Love goes, hate goes im just wandering i cant tell what side i . I cant tell whats right or wrong . We cant ever just sing one song . Love goes, hate goes now im left all alone . Love goes, hate goes cheers and applause stephen their album, sea of noise, comes out september 9 st. Paul and the broken bones, everybody well be right back. Everyone complains about millennials. Nonsense. Millennials, i salute you. You save money like no other generation. Ught a pair of pants with me. Todays his pants day. No baby boomer ever shared a pair of pants with me. Start saving with the anywhere account today. Stephen thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be christian slater, congressman john lewis and chris james corden and his guests, patricia arquette, allison pill and justin bartha. Good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh