Transcripts For KNTV Late Night With Seth Meyers 20170221

Guys first got together because you liked stevie wonder. He was playing that was a prerequisite. He had to be able to play ball and he had to like stevie wonder. [ laughter ] jimmy youre the whole reason this happened. Youre the whole reason this happened. Yes, stevie wonder. And im not mad about that. [ laughter ] jimmy i want to thank you so much for being here tonight. Thank you guys for being here tonight. And of course, i want to thank the First Lady Michelle Obama for being part of everything. [ cheers and applause ] thank the audience for being here today. You guys were fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] jerry seinfeld, dave chappelle. The roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you so much for watching. Have a great night. I hope to see you tomorrow. Bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] fred from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york. Its late night with seth meyers. Tonight, Anna Kendrick. Writer and director of get out, jordan peele. Music from old 97s. Featuring the 8g band with andres forero. Ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] seth good evening. Im seth meyers, and this is late night. Hows everybody doing tonight . [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Its great to hear. In that case, lets get to the news. Today is president s day. And you just know trump was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents. [ laughter ] well, then they shouldnt call it that, because thats very confusing. [ light laughter ] the president took office one month ago today, and just look at how the job has already aged him. [ laughter ] thats right. [ applause ] thats right. President Trump Took Office one month ago today. Wow. Its hard to believe the past few years has only been a month. [ laughter ] a former swedish Prime Minister questioned President Trumps false claims this weekend that there had been a terror attack in sweden, asking, quote, what has he been smoking . Well, looking at him, id say, ham . [ laughter ] at a recent dinner, while President Trump invited other attendees to order whatever they wanted, trump demanded Chris Christie have the white house meat loaf. Coincidently, white house meat loaf is also the position trump is considering him for. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] you need a meat loaf. Senator john mccain criticized President Trumps attack on the media yesterday and said that stifling the press is how dictators get started. Said trump, cool, and then, what do they do next . [ laughter ] at a rally this weekend, President Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, who he claimed fought with the media and called them out. Yep, thats who Abraham Lincoln was most famous for warring with, the media. [ laughter ] the north versus the media. [ applause ] a canadian teacher was suspended last week after giving her students instructions for making and injecting crystal meth. Im sorry, suspended . [ laughter ] what do you have to do to get fired in canada . [ light laughter ] buy it for them . Aye, were going to have to give you the day off on account of the meth. And i hate to say it but youre officially on thin ice. [ laughter ] this is your ninth and next to last warning. [ light laughter ] according to a new study, the tray table is the dirtiest place on the airplane, and the place that sounds the dirtiest is still the cockpit. [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Youre right and im wrong. [ laughter ] the cockpit. We were looking for the cockpit. And finally, a colorado man recently survived a 40foot fall down a chimney while he was trying to make a parkour video with friends. Its the first known case of a person doing parkour and also having friends. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen weve got a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she is one of our favorites here at late night. Shes the star of the very funny table 19, Anna Kendrick is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] our friend, Anna Kendrick. Also, he is the director and writer of an incredible new movie, get out. He is a very old friend of mine and im so happy to have him back on the show. Jordan peele is here everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from an alt country icon of a band. I have loved them for a very long time as well. Old 97s are here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so you guys, needless to say, you guys are here on a wonderful night. Before we get to all of the that. With all of the chaos weve seen in the Trump Administration, youd think trump would have spent the weekend at the white house, fixing his dysfunctional government. Instead, he was in florida hitting the campaign trail. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] keeping tabs on trump can be very disorienting. On one hand, youve got the genuinely ominous things hes done from declaring the free press enemy of the american people, to preemptively blaming a judge for future terror attacks. And then youve got the every day weirdness of life in the trump era. Like this story about new jersey governor Chris Christies visit to the white house last week. Governor christie says President Trump forced him to eat meatloaf when they dined together at the white house. This is what its like to be with trump, okay. He says, theres the menu, you guys order whatever you want. And then he says, chris, you and i are going to have meatloaf. He tells you what youre eating. Yeah, and i said, well, were going to have the meatloaf . And he said, im telling you, the meatloaf is fabulous. Did you have the meat loaf . I did. Its emasculating. No its not. Another man tells you what youre eating and you eat it . Unacceptable. I dont care who he is. It is the president. By the way, it is the president , a. And the president said youre eating the meat loaf. Wouldnt you be like, im an adult, ill get what i want, thank you. I would go along with his recommendation. You would get the meatloaf . Yeah. I mean, the guy eats there all the time, you would think and the meat loaf was good. Seth of course, the meatloaf was actually a second course for christie after trump made him swallow his pride. [ laughter and applause ] also, also, that whole conversation sounded like mafia slang. Youre not going to have to worry about Chris Christie anymore. Lets just say, donnie made him eat the meatloaf. [ laughter ] so thats the weird stuff, but trump is also making major changes to Foreign Policy. For example, last week trump dropped the u. S. Commitment to a twostate solution in the Israeli Palestinian conflict, which is a huge deal. And certainly not something you want to do without consulting your Foreign Policy team first. But apparently, trump made the move without reviewing the specifics of a new strategy, with secretary of state, rex tillerson. Tillerson himself was in the air when trump announced the change. Even just getting in an airplane now is a suspenseful experience under trump. Pilots are going to start giving updates on the state of the nation before they land. Its a sunny 65 degrees in los angeles, and also, donald trump has deported all afghan hounds because he believes them to be the isis of dogs. [ laughter ] and if you look out to the right, you will see that everything is on fire. [ laughter ] the Trump White House has even stumbled when it comes to posting what should otherwise be noncontroversial content to social media. Like this photo posted to the official president of the United States twitter account with the makeamericagreatagain. Look how white that photo is. If you print that photo out, you can use it again as a blank piece of paper. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its like that old joke. What has 26 thumbs and no black friends . These guys. [ laughter ] even republicans in congress are apparently starting to get frustrated with the constant chaos in the Trump Administration. South dakota senator, john thune said there are things we want to get done here and this constant disruption and drumbeat is a distraction adding that he wanted the white house to get passed the launch stage. Buddy, we are way passed the launch stage. The rocket exploded shortly after take off and the emergency raft is currently floating somewhere in the pacific. [ laughter ] he posed for it. And the dysfunction that the Trump Administration also seems to be scaring off some people from working at the white house. After Trumps National security advisor, michael flynn, resigned last week, trump offered the position to retired admiral robert harward. Who is widely respected by officials in both parties. But harward rejected the offer. As cnns jake tapper reported, a friend of harwards said he was reluctant to take the National Security advisor job because the white house seemed so chaotic. Said harward, called the offer a [ bleep ] sandwich. [ light laughter ] we have [ bleep ] sandwiches then why did we let Chris Christie have meatloaf . [ laughter and applause ] whats the point . [ applause ] now, harward was asked by the white house to reconsider, which he did, but according to msnbc he said no a second time after watching the president s press conference on thursday. Huh, what about that press conference would make him not want to work for donald trump. You know what uranium is right . This thing called Nuclear Weapons and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including some bad things. [ laughter ] seth can you imagine having to brief that guy on National Security . [ light laughter ] mr. President , iran is increasing its stockpiles of uranium. Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Whats iran . [ laughter ] now today, lieutenant getneral, h. R. Mcmaster, who has been widely praised, did accept the job of National Security advisor. Still, Trumps Press Conference earned nearly universal criticism from the media. And trump responded to that criticism with this ominous tweet. The Fake News Media failing new york times, nbc news, abc, cbs, cnn, is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the american people. Referring to the press is the enemy of the people is the kind of thing you would expect to hear from an authoritarian ruler. But heres the thing, even when trump wants to come off as an authoritarian strong man, it turns out hes still a buffoon, because that tweet was actually a second draft. The president originally tweeted and then deleted his first draft, the Fake News Media failing new york times, cnn, nbc news and many more, is not my enemy, its the enemy of the american people, sick. [ laughter ] so his big change was adding a few more news outlets and deleting the word sick. [ light laughter ] you know, when you have to double clutch on your authoritarian declarations, you sound less like a terrifying dictator and more like the guy at the bonfire who can almost play guitar . Theres a lady who short no im sorry, i can do this better. Ah, its the [ bleep ] pick. [ laughter ] to press his case against the media, trump held a rally on saturday in florida, which his own white house called a campaign event. And it was clear the rally had one main goal, to continue trumps bashing of the free press and convinces his audience that he was the only one who can be relied on to tell them the truth. I also want to speak to you without the filter of the fake news. They have their own agenda, and their agenda is not your agenda. We are not going to let the fake news tell us what to do, how to live or what to believe. In fact, Thomas Jefferson said, nothing can be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself, he said, becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. That was june 14th my birthday. [ laughter ] seth my birthday. Even when hes quoting a former president , he cant help but make it about himself. My birthday. As Abraham Lincoln said, four score and seven years ago, which reminds me, seven years ago, i had four scores in one day, it was tremendous. And yet, as he does so often, trump transitions seamlessly from claiming that the media makes up fake stories to making up his own fake stories. For example, in defending his executive order banning refugees, he made this mysterious claim about an incident that supposedly occurred on friday night in sweden. You look at whats happening in germany. You look at whats happening last night in sweden. Sweden who would believe this . Sweden. Seth who would believe this . The answer is no one, because as Fact Checkers pointed out, no incident occurred in sweden on friday night. [ applause ] it turns out, what trump was referring to was not a terror attack in sweden, but a segment he saw on the night before on fox news about refugees in sweden. So trump literally saw something on fox news and confused it for reality. Next thing you know, hes going to lament the terrible treatment of people with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. [ light laughter ] also it should be noted the Swedish Police officers interviewed for that documentary said their answers were misleadingly edited. And they did not stand behind it. In fact, trumps mysterious comments about sweden have also apparently baffled the swedish government, which requested a clarification and left the swedish people very confused. Now, those words about sweden sparked a quick backlash from officials in that country who wanted to know what he was talking about. This was front page news here on monday. Its also been the subject of a significant amount of ridicule online and just people you talk to here is making jokes. You know, what was donald trump referring to . Seth thats how bad things have gotten under trump. Were getting roasted by swedes now. [ laughter ] the swedish chef is like, dude, even i dont understand a word youre saying. [ laughter and applause ] like, i cant believe they elected this smorgedy borg over there. [ laughter ] so between Trumps Press Conference and his event in florida, trump has made a series of wild and unhinged public appearances over the last few days. But there has been at least on common theme. I want to find a friendly reporter. Are you a friendly reporter . Im here because i want to be among my friends. Seth the president of the United States just wants a friend. You know, someone he can force to eat meatloaf. [ light laughter ] and at his rally on saturday, he seemed to finally find one when he spotted a supporter in the audience who he seen on tv complimenting him and called him up on stage. I saw this man on Television Just now. You. I just saw him on television. He said, i love trump. Let trump do what i has to do. Thats my guy right there. Thats okay. Let him up. Let him up. Im not worried about him. Im only worried hes going to give me a kiss. Hop over the fence. Come on. He can do it. This guys in good shape. Look at him. [ cheers and applause ] a star is born. A star is born. Seth buddy, if youd just been a little quicker, you could have been our new National Security advisor. [ laughter and applause ] this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with Anna Kendrick, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] heyyyyy its the Little Things that make life rich. Ritz. Its so delicious. 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Sfx smudge sounds against glass get it now and say no to spotless clear windex glass. vo have to happen . Idnt i didnt see it. vo what if we could go back . What if our car. Could stop itself . In iihs frontend crash prevention testing, nobody beats the subaru impreza. Not toyota. Not honda. Not ford. The allnew subaru impreza. More than a car, its a subaru. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, sitting in this week, hes the drummer from the broadway smash hit, hamilton, an american musical, the grammy awardwinning album was recently certified double platinum, selling more than 2 million copies. Andres forero is here. Thank you so much for being around here. Were so happy to have you. Thank you. Seth our first guest tonight is an oscar and tony nominated actress. You know her from her work in films such as, up in the air, Pitch Perfect and trolls. Her latest film, table 19 opens in theaters everywhere march 3rd, lets take a look. I did the table assignments with francie. How could the person who did the table assignments have no one else here . I planned half of the wedding. Okay. Table one is francie, dough and everyone who actually matters including teddy miller, the best man child and nikki carmichael, the second choice maid of honor. Table two, francies hideous, dad. Roger, no, hes a lovely bloke. Roger and his trophy wife and dougs parents werent married but miserable. Table three, francies disaster of a mother, her actual Sorority Sisters who are all divorced. Mostly twice, sometimes more. Whats happening now . Four, dougs Cooking College friends, five grandparents, no comment. Six, dougs dads military buddies. Seven, decent cousins. Eight, indecent cousins, including infamous Miller Family nymphomaniac. Wheres eight now . [ light laughter ] seth please welcome back to the show, our friend Anna Kendrick, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth ah oh, my gosh, thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for having me back. I feel so excited, this is so great. I feel like im on like 24 hour prison break, because im shooting in atlanta right now. Seth oh, they just let you away for a day . Yeah, im like, whats been going on . I dont know, ive been making a movie musical, whats happening . The worlds falling apart . Great. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Fine. Seth im sorry that were filling you in on everything thats happening, because youre in a beautiful world right now. Youre just shooting a movie, youre busy all day, you dont have to worry about everything else. No, no, and like my biggest problem is like we dont have a finale number and were going to shoot it in a week, what are we going to do, ah seth we should talk about what youre shooting, youre shooting oh, the worlds falling apart. Doesnt matter. Seth yeah. Doesnt matter. Its fine. Seth but youre shooting Pitch Perfect 3. This is very exciting. [ cheers and applause ] im fishing for applause, thank you. I was fishing for applause. Seth you were, you were fishing . I was fishing for applause, so thank you, i needed that. Seth and this is very exciting. New director, choreographer. Yeah, well her name is trish sie. And shes shes like, got famous doing the ok go musical video. Seth oh, wow, yeah. You know, the treadmill choreography. Seth yeah. And shes fantastic and she its really helpful that she comes from the dance world, because its involved in the movie. But some of her direction has been amazing, and i feel like im just like learning a lot about like what body movements are. Seth got you. Because there like there was a scene in the first week of shooting. She came in and she was trying to get one of the characters to come do like a kind of lewd body movement. And she was like, so, i think, you know, youre just over here and youre just like vaginaing on the couch. [ light laughter ] and i did not know that vagina could be a verb. Seth i did not know that either. [ laughter ] but shes a choreographer, this is her world. Seth right. And im just trying im learning a lot. Seth she probably learned that at the bolshoi. Thats like part of a famous choreography term. You know, im like, vaginaing. Seth and you shoot that in atlanta . Yeah. Seth and so you actually the Atlanta Falcons were obviously, you went to the championship game. Yeah, we went to the nfc championship game and we saw them win. And it was so exciting, but i am from new england. Seth right. So when it came to the super bowl. Seth right. Thank you one person. Seth yep. [ laughter ] thats thats how i felt, because all the girls, you know, even if they kind of rooted for other teams, it was like, well, lets root for atlanta, were in atlanta. We we got to go to the game. Seth but youre kind of keeping it close to the vest. Yeah, im wearing a red hat, you know, because my dad would kill me if i was really rooting for another team. Seth and that could that could still be a patriots hat right there. Yeah, thats excellent point. Seth so, super bowl, how where did you watch . Well, we watched it at my place. Everybody came over. And, you know, atlanta was winning and i was kind of cool with it i had my patriots jersey on, but i was like, its all good. You know, we saw the game. And then the patriots started to make a come back, and i actually felt really sad about it. Seth yeah. Because i was like, oh, no. I thought like, theyre going to beat me up. [ light laughter ] like were singing and dancing all day, but they work out. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] like i was just like slowly shrinking into a corner with my patriots jersey. Seth and i think this theres ive never in my life seen a sporting outcome where no one was happy for Patriots Fans at the end of that game. I know. Seth no one said, well, at least Patriots Fans are happy. No one felt that way. Nobody felt that way. [ light laughter ] seth it was Patriots Fans were happy and everybody else was super bummed. Everybody else was really upset. Seth yeah. Yeah, fair enough because were the greatest. Seth yeah. You three people, thank you. Seth i sort of want to talk to you about this movie, table 19. Yeah. Seth this is about, as you can tell from the clip, the lousy table the like misfit table, the people that like should have known not to go. And like normally a wedding movie revolves around the bride and the groom and this movie is like, whos at that table . And what are they doing . And like the trouble that they get into. Seth it is actually in the film that, its pointed out the polite thing that was expected of everybody at that table was to say, no. To rsvp no and send something nice off the registry. Seth right. So, like that clip is i love that clip because its that moment where you know youre losing an argument when you go to that place of, youre not crazy. Or im not crazy, youre crazy. Seth yeah. And its in that moment, shes like, im not pathetic, youre pathetic. Everybodys pathetic. And, you know, shes losing that argument. Seth yeah. Yeah. Seth do you are you somebody who i assume youre not usually at the lousy table when you go to weddings. Do you like weddings . Oh, i try not to get invited to weddings. Seth okay. [ light laughter ] thats i mean its like watching your friends put on a little pageant. Seth its true. And you have to be in a nice dress and talk to people you dont know. Seth yeah. And i feel like i have potentially avoided making very close female friends, because i dont want to be a bridesmaid. Seth oh, wow [ light laughter ] if you put my on an email chain and tell me i have to wear ballet pink nail polish, i will kill you where you stand. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] no. Seth its a deal breaker. Its a deal breaker, were not like i can be friends with you if you are already married. Seth oh, thats interesting, so i will not im not planning a trip to vegas, im not doing any of that. Seth yeah. Im a very lazy friend. Seth everything you said made a lot of sense, and now im kind of i feel like i might try to follow that up. Yeah, yeah. Seth make that a plan of mine. Just push people away if it looks like theyre falling in love. [ laughter ] seth yeah. Or just even when they tell me theyre getting married, i might do that thing of like, oh, okay. Like where they can tell i dont believe they should. Like, oh, wow thats a really evil path to go down. I love that about you. Seth not the way i thought it would break, yeah. You obviously, you have a beautiful singing voice. Oh, thank you. Seth you sing in a lot of movies. Yeah, cant cant stop me. Seth cant stop you, well this is what i want to talk about, because about not being able to stop. You have like a casual singing problem. I want you to explain this for a sec. Oh, yeah, well, okay, its one of those qualities that i find so annoying in other people, and its so easy to recognize in other people when they just, kind of, sing to themselves, as theyre doing stuff, and im like but then i do it all the [ bleep ] time. [ light laughter ] and i cant, like im like, oh these people are so annoying making a breakfast taco stop it stop it [ light laughter ] seth so at least you know its annoying and you you dont do it yourself and think, oh, its an earache. Well, its okay for me. No, no, no, im like, oh, you hypocrite. Seth speaking of singing. You were a voice in trolls. Justin timberlake, his songs nominated for an oscar. I know, nominated for an oscar. Seth do people, do kids know that youre a troll voice . I thought that, because kids dont like me, fair enough. Seth oh, they dont . No. [ laughter ] and i thought that this was going to be, because a couple of my friends have like toddlers right now, and i thought, well, this is great. Seth this is your in. Like, this is my in. And my friend has like a 2yearold, and she loves her poppy doll that sings the little songs and stuff. And i was like, oh, she loves me, she loves poppy, and she loves the little song. And i started singing cant get back up again, and this child looked at me like i was a demon who had like stolen poppys voice, like ursula the sea witch style. [ light laughter ] was like not having it, so it backfired. Seth so it really this standup failed too it backfired. Well, look, one of these days youre going to win over one kid. Thank you so much for being back. Its always so great to see you. My pleasure, thank you for having me. [ cheers and applause ] seth Anna Kendrick, everybody. Table 19 is in theaters march 3rd. Well be right back with jordan peele. 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Seth please welcome back to the show, our friend, jordan peele, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth hi, buddy. Im so happy to have you here. Buddy . Its great be here. Seth congratulations on your film. I was so excited when i found out you wrote and directed a horror film. I was so excited to watch it. I loved it. I dont obviously, you cant give too much away, because there are a lot of twists and turns in this film. But it is why dont you tell us what its about. Oh, yeah. Okay. So it is its about an interracial couple that goes up to her parents house for the weekend. And things are weird. And hes like, do they know im black . And shes like, um, no. And hes like, probably should have mentioned that. [ light laughter ] and then they get up there, and the whole thing sort of evolves like a stepford wives kind of thing seth yes. Except its about race. Seth and she stresses that he has nothing to worry about. Very liberal parents, not racist. Thats right. Seth and yet, hes sort of immediately fairly uncomfortable. Yeah. Seth now you are, you are a member. One half of an interracial couple. I am, i am. Seth and does chelsea peretti, your fantastic other half, does her family think you made this movie about them . [ laughter ] um this is 100 not an autobiography. [ laughter ] i can guarantee you that. Um seth but you would have to say that. Yes, if i was on television i would have to actually stick by that story. [ laughter ] but i no, i wrote this before i met her and her family. Her familys very lovely. But, you know, this is based on more of, like, the africanamerican experience in this country at large. So i think a lot of people will relate to this. Seth what did you, how do you refer to it, like, sort of, a social issue horror . Its a social thriller. Seth social thriller. Its a social thriller. You know, this i got this idea, like, from, you know, stepford wives, right . Which is, like its about that movie is about gender in a way that is its deep and its heavy but its also, like, fun. Its also entertaining, so, yeah, thats that what im doing, and i think i i think i pulled it off. Seth i think you pulled it off as well. Thank you. Seth its fantastic. Now, i also want to talk about chelsea, because youre having a baby im having a baby. Seth congratulations on that. [ cheers and applause ] wait, what . You said what am i what am i having . Seth youre having a baby. Okay, okay. Seth and chelsea just she came right at beyonce. Beyonce posted that instagram photo. Yeah. Seth and chelsea just this is her saying chelsanity, beyonceshmonce and there she is. Thats her. Seth thats her. Beautiful. Beautiful. Seth you cant fully see this, but, like, her face is just killing it. [ applause ] shes glowing. Seth shes glowing. Very scary. Seth thats perfect expression. Has the upcoming fatherhood changed your opinion about horror films at all . Like, because this is a genre youve loved for a long time. Yeah. You know, its not changed my opinion. I mean, i am such a horror fan, when i think of baby, i think of like rosemarys baby. Seth sure. [ light laughter ] which is which is pretty terrifying. Seth not a great baby, as far as things go. But yeah, no. Its scary. I dont know what to expect. Im just hoping that, you know, the baby resembles me by any wild stretch of the imagination. Seth yep. That its mine. Seth yeah, right. [ light laughter ] or i can, at least, present it as such. Seth i because mines 10 months old and nobody says he looks like me, and im like [ laughter ] okay, nothing . Thats thats seth yeah. Yeah, you dont want that. Seth right. And especially, like, racially, you want it to be just like definitely a mix between you and your partner. Seth yeah. So yeah, im im im nervous. Seth okay. [ laughter ] there are nights where she doesnt come home. Seth oh, good [ laughter ] i dont know what, i will raise that son of a b. [ laughter ] seth no matter what. Like it was my own. Seth uh you and keegan were here right when your show ended and i was i, sort of, complimenting because key and peele had the perfect i felt, like, the perfect ending. You did this incredibly every season was great, and you got out before you had a bad season, which was so great. But i do, this day, i do miss that we do not see your barack obama impression. I would say it was a gold standard. I [ cheers and applause ] would you do me the honor would you do me the honor of just a little bit of what barack obama would be thinking right now about everything thats going on . Well, yeah, i mean, you know, i mean, obama, hes got to be like hes on vacation, right, hes got to be watching, like, tv, with im sure, like, whiskey. This this some messed up stuff here. [ laughter and applause ] michelle, top her off, michelle, top her off. [ laughter ] okay. Well, you done done did it now, america. [ laughter ] michelle, where where where am i from . Where am i because im im confused to a certain point. [ laughter ] where am i from . Hawaii . Well, Mele Kalikimaka mother [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth jordan peele, everybody get out opens this friday. You can find my extended chat with jordan on late nights facebook page. Well be back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] is your deodorant leaving white marks or yellow stains on your clothes . Use new degree ultraclear black white. No white marks on black clothes. And no yellow stains on white. So your white clothes stay white. And your black clothes stay black. Choose degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Choose your favorite pasta,or piadina or sandwich. It all comes with our neverending soup or salad. And all the breadsticks you want. Starting at just 6. 99 get neverending value for lunch, today at olive garden. 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I dont want to brag, but we have i believe we have an incredible writing staff for this show. And these writers every day, they come up with smart jokes, fresh jokes, jokes that i believe challenge you as an audience. But the thing is, other days, to no fault of their own, they just dont. They just dont have it. [ light laughter ] and the jokes they write stink. But instead of me throwing those jokes out, they made the argument, they made the argument that these jokes that were no better than a joke you would find on one of those corny popsicle sticks when you were a kid. These terrible jokes, they believe they can be saved with what they call, kissass graphics. [ laughter ] lets see if theyre right in a segment we call, popsicle schtick. [ cheers and applause ] here we go. Gonna take topical stories from the news and were going to give them the popsicle stick treatment. First up, what do you call a cnn anchor with dandruff . Flake news. [ slurp noise ] popsicle schtick [ laughter ] what did tony danza say when they confirmed the secretary of education . [ slurp noise ] whos devos . [ laughter ] thats a good popsicle stick what did the man say when his wife found his copy of Scientific American . [ slurp noise ] i only read it for the particles. [ laughter ] what do we want . Popsicle. How do we want it . Schtick what do we want . Popsicle. How do we want it . Schtick what do we want . Popsicle. What do we want . Popsicle. How do we want it . Schtick youre not my late night host, meyers. [ laughter and applause ] seth what is Donald Trumps favorite gospel hymn . [ slurp noise ] we shall overcomb. [ laughter and applause ] that one was pretty cool. I like that one. Hey, get outta here popsicle stick for life. Seth what did he say . Popsicle stick for life. Seth popsicle schtick for life. Why did the polygamist cross the road . [ slurp noise ] to get to the other bride. [ light laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, the popsicles. Im paul schtick. And im john schtick. And im george schtick. And im seth meyers, and were the popsicles. She loves your schtick schtick schtick she loves your schtick schtick schtick she loves your schtick schtick schtick schtick thats a good schtick. [ laughter and applause ] seth where did the man meet his wife who looks just like him . [ slurp noise ] twinder. [ light laughter ] behold the power of the schtick give chase oh, schtick. [ splash ] [ applause ] seth what should you cut out of your diet if youre allergic to russian food . [ slurp noise ] vladimir gluten. [ laughter and applause ] sir, do you swear to tell the schtick, the whole schtick and nothing but the schtick so help you god . I do not. [ audience oohs ] wow. People dont usually say that. I guess youre free to go. Order, order in my popsicle schtick courtroom. Oh, and your honor, one last thing. You cant handle the schtick [ laughter ] seth and finally [ laughter ] why does donald trump sleep with a tub of hummus . [ slurp noise ] he likes it when a chickpeas in his bed. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] on your mark. Get schtick popsicle [ gun shot ] its the final schtick down sticks for life put your sticks to work oohh oohh oohh ah ah ah ah huh huh huh on your marks, get schtick popsicle [ cheers and applause ] seth we dont even find out what happens . Dear god. This has been popsicle schtick. Well be right back with music from old 97s, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] seth tonights musical guests will release their 11th studio album, grave yard whistling this friday. Performing good with god, with guest nikki lane, please welcome, old 97s. [ cheers and applause ] im not afraid im good with god i got my sins in fact i got a lot i got a soul thats good and flawed im good with god im good with god im not afraid got no regrets i paid my dues ive paid my debts ive made a mess but its my bed no regrets no regrets goodness knows ive done you wrong im not too gone to see alls i knows im good with god i wonder how she feels about me i wonder how she feels about me you should be scared im not so nice many a man has paid a price youre pretty thick so ill tell you twice im not so nice im not so nice i made you hope and ill break you down ill do it slow hows that sound youre just a joke thats goin round goodness knows youve done me wrong im not too blind to see you might think youre good with god were gonna have to wait and see i guess well have to wait and see oh hell no say it aint so is it too late to save my soul where do the busted angels go goodness knows ive done you wrong im not too gone to see i can only hope im good with god i wonder how she feels about me i wonder how she feels about me i guess well have to wait and see [ cheers and applause ] seth old 97s, everybody their u. S. Tour kicks off this weekend in florida. Head over to old97s. Com for dates. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] were taking never ending to the next level at olive garden. For the first time ever, never ending classics, starting at 11. 99. Indulge in never ending helpings of your most loved classics. Like chicken parmesan. Hurry, this offer ends soon. At olive garden