Is that a problem . 100 yes. Listen, things with us are just really great. I like you and youre often out of town so my pube game can be a little devilmaycare. I like you too. Well, until you said that last thing, but i justi dont want my mom to find out about us and ruin it like shes ruined literally every other relationship that ive ever been in. Hey, if you dont want your mom to know, she wont know. This is Carol Wendelson were talking about. She knows everything about everyone. Thats why in high school they called her deep throat. Boy, i hope thats why. [upbeat news broadcast music] [bell dings] oh. Excuse me. Good morning. Ooh, whos that . Is that a new intern . Im gonna haze him so bad i heard that in some black fraternities who, him . No, thats, uh, trent. I think hes a freelance photographer. Trent or tronk, maybe . Good morning, everyone, and a big welcome back to trip parker whos just returned from syria. Oh. [applause] well, hello. Thank you. Where he managed to keep working out, didnt he . Oh. Oh, my. I do crossfit junior. Im just glad to be back home safe. Last week, i was embedded with an sdf unit near aleppo, and god, i miss being in the field bosnia, iraq, chechnya. The west village on halloween. Youre Holding Hands with death, my friends, but you dont even think about it, because theres a job to do, damn it. Chuck, you miss the field . Last year, we arranged for you to go to south sudan, but you said you had tickets to a magic show. Those tickets were nonrefundable. Well, they were refundable, but there was a fee oh, i havent talked for so long. Well, trip, why dont you and justin go through your footage in the edit bay . Okay. Quick warning. Just before this meeting, i think i saw a fat janitor go in there and fart. Yeah, i think thats what that is. [gasps] that trip is so handsome. Is he . Oh. Somebody dressed up today. [dramatic fanfare] go. Move it ooh, glass. Oh, sorry, sorry. Ah more glass see, corey . Thats why we practice. She knows. She knows. My mom knows about us. How . No, i didnt. But now i do. [dramatic musical flourish] moms know their kids need love, encouragement and milk. With 8 grams of natural protein, and 8 other nutrients to provide balanced nutrition. Moms know kids grow strong when they milk life. And 8 other nutrients to provide balanced nutrition. Lets[ whimpers ] dog. Find pingpong. Find your awesome with the xfinity x1 voice remote. Thats amazing trip, this is my mother. Et boyfriend . Nice to meet you, carol. Mrs. Wendelson. Miss no, call me carol. Why would you treat me with any more respect than youd treat a dog . Mmhmm. Okay. Okay. Mkay, look, i get that youre mad. How did i not know . Oh, this job. Im so distracted. God, what else have i missed . Happy birthday, dear dave happy birthday to me fine. You want to know the reason why i didnt tell you about trip . Because i didnt want you to ruin it. Ruin it . Yeah, mom. All ive ever wanted is for you to like one of my boyfriends, and you never have. You are the reason i broke up with jeff, ethan, carl. Jeff was a mouth breather, and ethan, he wouldnt even engage on the whole judaism thing, and carl is too close to carol. Thatd be weird see . It doesnt matter if i like a guy, you find a problem, and then thats all i can see. Well, then fine, i wont tell you that trip butt out. I dont want you in my head. [gasps] [folk music] i think were almost ready for real glass. I dont know who first said, war is hell, but according to a very surly trademark lawyer, it wasnt me. Does chuck always read from his memoirs . Mm, i think hes trying to impress you. Hot stuff coming through, and i dont mean the coffee, because i stopped at my house and watched all of chicago fire, so its cold. Here you go, doll. Oh, thanks. Ahem speaking of hot stuff, 1989, panama. I found myself embedded in more ways than one. Im talking sex, baby. Panama . Were you embedded with the 82nd . I was embedded with the 69th in afghanistan. Oh, maybe got this little tattoo to honor them. Forever 69 . Yeah. Cool. You know what . Thats what i miss the most. The menevery last one of those guys had my butt. I know how that sounded. I meant to say back. Chucks right. You need good people around you when youre in the soup. I may not believe in god, but i sure as hell believe in my fellow man. Youre an atheist . Amen to that. Or. Not amen. Hey, mom . Can i just talk to you really quick . 1977, the bronx. I had an idea for a new type of music. Chuck, if youre serious about getting back in the field, then you should go to south sudan. They need experienced journalists. Listen up, everyone. Trip here has reawakened the call of the wild within me. Next week, i, chuck pierce, will return to the field, reporting live from. Dum, dum, dum south sudan. [applause] yes this is gonna be great for the show. We can start running promos immediately. Chuck, you are my hero. No, greg, the real heroes are the brave men and women who are out there every day, doing the impossible. The troops. Magicians. Okay, what is your game . And dont say canasta. You with your cool, 69s and not amens. Im on to you. No, im not. [whispering] what is happening . Do you need me for this argument . I know you. You are just dying to say it. Trip has a tattoo, he hates god, men shouldnt wear bracelets, dangerous jobs are for turks. So lets just have it out. Why should i break up with him . I didnt notice any of that. I like him. Wait, you like him . How . He has so many flaws. I guess i dont judge people by their appearance. That is all you do. You were a judge at my high schools hot body contest. Wait, why did you organize that . That was a fundraiser, and youre just mad you lost. You said to me, the only thing i want is for you to like my boyfriend. Well, now i do. Hey, katie. Hi. Ready to get out of here . Mmhmm. Oh, how about i drive you kids to your pad so you can do your thang . No. Sure. Come on, trip, you can pick the music, as long as its from the 70s. Are you done with those promos yet . If i dont get home soon, therell be hell to pay with my cat. Yyou shouldnt say stuff like that. Anyway, you have a little problem with the promos. [clears throat] check it out. I was digging through chucks old footage from gulf war i. Youre gonna want to see this. [screaming] why are you showing me a frightened iraqi woman . Thats chuck. Oh, god. [screams] chucks a scaredycat. I tracked down the editor who used to cut chucks footage into something usable. Hes at the witherbelle mental asylum for the insane. I guess he became an orderly when he didnt want to edit anymore. Ah is that a camel . Why is it making so much eye contact . Stop. Oh, katie. [both laughing] this reminds me of the time i drove you and your little friend with the grey tooth to the prom. Remember . What was his name . Ah, something ethnic. Ryan. Ryan, yes. He left with another girl because katie wouldnt give it up. Mom. Thats not a problem anymore. Right, trip . Wink. [both laughing] its so funny to see you getting along with my boyfriend, mom, considering you had the last one deported. He got a free trip to the dominican republic. People have to go on wheel of fortune to win that. Speaking of trips, who wants to go to six flags this weekend . Fair warning, im too short to go on any of the rides. Oh, that sounds fun. Count me in. Really . What . No. You said you were busy this weekend. Werent you going camping with your friends . They might smoke pot, cause thats what trips into. Sounds cool. [chuckles] its 4 20 somewhere. Right, trip . Puff, puff. [both laughing] so you can call it isis or isil, but not icicle. kay. Hey, i saw your mom and trip doing tai chi in the parking lot. Yeah, shes real team trip all of a sudden, and im going crazy trying to figure out why. He wrote in a peace sign for president. What if it had won . Who would have made the laws . So your mom likes your boyfriend. Why is that a problem . Because i can still hear her voice in my head pointing out all the things that are wrong with him, only now i cant argue with her about it. Well, maybe she doesnt love him. Maybe shes just pretending so youll go crazy and dump him. What . No. Shes not that smart. [scoffs] well, does your mom watch soap operas . Because thats exactly what marlena did on days of our lives last week. So by pretending to like sylvester, i will trick belle into breaking up with him. Great plan. [scoffs] except. [dramatic musical flourish] [gasps] sylvester do you think my mom is using a soap opera reverse psychology plan to get me to dump trip . I get all my plans from soaps. Darnell thinks hes cheating on me with my twin sister, mortia. Oh, youre good, Carol Wendelson, but im better. You didnt get in my head after all. [whispering] i got in yours. You have problems. [phone ringing] [soap opera music] yes, this is mortia. [topher] its my son. This is rosenberg. Im topher brophy. We get easily confused, because theres a resemblance people say. He loves taking pictures. And the camera on the galaxy s8. Its amazing. I mean look how good we look on this infinity screen . He doesnt brag about it of course, but he does have a lot of followers. Hes got a big following. And with sprints unlimited plan, we can post whenever we want. Which works for me. Does the plan work for you . He says it works for him lease a galaxy s8, and get a gs7 edge lease on us. Lease a galaxy s8, and get a gs7 edge lease on us. Is to always keep track of your employees. R micromanage them. Make sure theyre producing. Woo employee of the month you really shouldnt leave their side. Vita coco coconut water, hydration comes naturally. For great skin, you dont have. Just go to bed. New aveeno®. Positively radiant® overnight facial. Get the benefits of a spa facial. Overnight. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful results® where did we find the inspiration for our new flavors . It walked right in the door. Introducing new signature crafted recipes. Pico guacamole. Sweet barbecue bacon. Maple bacon dijon. You bring your flavor to the world. We bring ours to you. Weve been a symbol of thers. Future, a standard, a star. But our past is just that, past. We are pioneers. So our greatest achievements cant lay behind us, because our destiny lies ahead. Thats what it means to drive the world forward. Thats what it means to dare. Do, do, do, for my friends do, do, do what do you think youre doing . Do, do, do, makin nachos im sorry, im gonna im gonna help clean that up. I meant what are you doing with trip . Youre using reverse psychology to try and get me to break up with him, like on days of our lives thats ridiculous. I havent seen that show since marlena became an intern at her daughters job. I truly, really like your boyfriend. You do . Why . How much do you know about trip . [grunts] because i did a little digging online. Unfortunately, his instagram was all refugee photos and links to charities. [splurts] but then i found his grandmas obituary. Jackpot. Turns out he has a sister whos on facebook, so i made a fake account and became friends with her. Chaching a little typetype here, a little catfishing of trips dad there, and, tada, i knew everything about him. Who took all the computers . Ugh. Okay, i should have known. What did you find . Oh. I think i should butt out. I wouldnt want to ruin your relationship with all my amazing discoveries. Youre really not gonna tell me . I thought you said you didnt want me in your head, even though you were in my womb for nine months stealing my food. Fine, dont tell me. I dont want to know. Its good hey, chuck, made you some nachos that havent been on the floor. Oh. Thank you, carol. Oh, you couldnt get me to south sudan for all the lladros in angies hutch. Oh. [chuckles] im excited to go. Itll be hot, uh, scary. You know, theres a warlord there whos an actual tiger, so thatll be, uh thatll be fun. Chuck, if you dont want to go, dont go. Tell greg youre tired and you dont wanna. Thats what i tell dave on valentines day. Even if i didnt want to go and i definitely do i cant back out now. What would all those people think of me . Let me tell you a story. There was a hair i used to tweeze a different example, carol. There was a christmas newsletter i used to write, and i would struggle to make my family seem better than the joneses. Not tjoneses one sons a car thief, the other does improv. Anyway, i hated writing that letter. And then i realized the only reason i was doing it was to impress other people, so i decided to be honest. Last year, i wrote about my very long nipple hair. Thank you, carol. Maybe i will tell greg that im not going. Because damn it, im too old to care about what other people think of me. Did that sound cool . Yes [dramatic music] how can you live in a place like this . [both laughing] justin, come on, we have a show to do. We cant keep watching these videos, okay . Just five more. Reporting live, this is chuck p incoming [screams] incoming get down [both laughing] it was a bird, chuck. But with a really sharp beak [laughing] look at his little face. But the old folks in this village still make the cheese partly with their [sheep bleats] oh, my god, get away from me. Iraqi lion [gunshots] uh, i denounce the United States of america please tell Saddam Hussein that i will be one of his beautiful brides [screaming] [both laughing] i dont like being uncomfortable. Its not as good. As being really comfortable. [both laughing] oh, god, i hate it here. I dont ever want to come to a place like this again. What the hell do you think youre doing . Uh, we were watching porn together. Yeah, its something we do. How dare you sit there and judge me, greg . And other guy . You two have no idea what war is like. Its scary. And, yes, grown men scream for their mothers, and its not all heroic john wayne and fearless mel gibson in braveheart. Sometimes its insane mel gibson yelling about a jacuzzi. But you two wouldnt know that because youre both doughy pissants whove never been outside your cushy offices, and you cry when the coffee machine runs out of water [chuckles] greg is like that. You got scared last santacon, thinking it was the purge. I wasnt wrong. Two elves punched me in the sack and took my pizza well, you two will never know what its like, because youre both too chicken to go to south sudan. But im not. [upbeat middle eastern music] you been really quiet all through dinner tonight. Oh, thank you. Ive been working with my dentist on not making scoobydoo sounds when i eat, so. [phone buzzing] oh. A text from your mom. She and dave decided they are going to chilis tonight. Oh. Great. She really likes you, you know. Its almost like she knows something secret about you. [both laughing] oh. Shes getting a cadillac margarita. Eh. Classic carol. Hey, you know, you and i dont know each other that well, so lets play one of those games where we just, like, ask each other fun questions. Ill go first. Are you secretly a doctor . Nope, dont believe in doctors. I just go to an asian guy who makes me eat a powder. Cool. Cool. Yeah. Are you related to anyone famous . No, but this is gonna blow your mind. Did you know that everyone is related to kevin bacon by six degrees . Wow. I know. Do you have a tickets hookup to the view . Is your father rico chico, heir to the chicos empire . No. [scoffs] katie, whats going on . You like me, your mom likes me. Yeah. Why are you being so weird . I dont know, im sorry. [laughs] [phone buzzing] oh, god. Raul castro is refusing to yield the floor at the un. Until they validate his parking. I should get down there. Ill call you. Mmhmm. Yeah. Well, well, well, a bag full of secrets. No, no, i dont care. That would be crossing a line. Stop talking to yourself out loud. Katie, people are looking at you. Youre still doing it. Just stop. There you go. Good job, katie. Its theat olive gardenver introducing new giant stuffed pastas starting at 12. 99. Pastas so big you could share them, but so delicious, you wont want to. Giant stuffed pastas. For a limited time at olive garden. Neutrogena® hydro boost hydrating tint. Wake up skin. The first water Gel Foundation with hyaluronic acid it plumps, quenches. Delivers a natural, flawless look. This is what makeups been missing. Neutrogena® well, i feel awful abo yeah. Things went with he got so mad. Like my grandma when we took her car from her. Why didnt we wait until she got home . We just. Left her in that field. Still, chuck had no right to question our manhood. Yeah. Hes lucky i didnt challenge him to fisticuffs. Anyway, why did you want to see me . What . No. I got a email you wanted to see me. Air raid air raid [helicopter blades whirring] air raid what the hell . [the ride of the valkyries playing] how do you like war now . Hes gone insane hahahaha ah oh, god [both screaming] incoming [both screaming] why is he doing this . [distorted indistinct voice] i wanted to die at mcdonalds fire in the hole [both screaming] mr. Pierce, what were you thinking . Throwing firecrackers at your coworkers, causing them to wet themselves . For the record, that was greg. I did something else. Obviously, mr. Pierce, due to your unstable behavior, your trip overseas has been canceled. But you dont understand. I want to go this is outrageous ill get you for this, greg, and, uh, i want to say terry, but that cant be right. Please, dont threaten them in front of me. So much paperwork. [whispering] oh, thank god. Youre safe. Charlie, youre safe. Get me a cup of coffee. And spill it on yourself. [knock at door] ah. Look at my little girl, hard at work at [gasps] [dramatic music] daves daughter, what is this . It finally happened. Im just like you, mom. Yay. We can get matching sweatshirts. No, its not a good thing. Not knowing why you like trip was driving me so insane that i stole his backpack and i stayed up all night and i looked through all his stuff his mail, confidential records, his internet search history. And then my sweater got caught on some thumbtack, so thats what all that is, but i finally figured it out. Isnt it wonderful . Hes rich. His mother is dead. Both what . Hes rich . I knew his mother was dead. I was just excited to be the only mom and get all the holidays. Oh. But i didnt know he was rich. How rich is he . Rich, like i got rejected from the college his family started. Hot dog i thought he was just a regular old orphan. I didnt know that he was bruce wayne. Were in the money, were in the money and at the wedding, i will wear a dress of gold no, no, no, no, mom, theres not gonna be a wedding, theres never gonna be a wedding, because im incapable of having a happy relationship. Now, stop that. You snap out of it. He is perfect for both of us. No, mom, because even when youre not pointing out my boyfriends flaws, i can still hear your voice in my head saying all the things that are wrong with him, and not just the tattoos, or that hes always bragging about not watching tv, but then why do you have a hat with the stupid baby from family guy on it . Okay, honey, it seems like theres a lot of things that you dont like about him. Maybe its not my voice in your head. Maybe its yours. What the hell is this . I found your backpack. Cool, my bank statement. You know, this is why i dont tell girlfriends my family has money. I want to make sure theyre interested in me, the tripster. Oh, thats another thing, he calls himself the tripster. What . Okay, trip, i have to stop blaming all of my relationship problems on my mom. Maybe she was just pointing things out to me about my boyfriends that i knew all along but i just didnt want to admit. So im really sorry, but this is over. Yeah, no kidding. Youre a psychotic nutjob. You both are. [gasps] you two belong in the witherbelle mental asylum for the insane. Damn. And, you know, i kind of expected this from katie, but not from you, carol. You broke my heart. [shudders] [sobbing] i know. I thought he was gonna be the one. [sobs] i thought we were gonna be together forever. [sobs] mm, but theres plenty of fish in the sea. Ah ah no okay. So if i lock justin and greg in a room and i throw firecrackers at them, people will think that i am crazy. That way, i wont have to go to south sudan, and nobody will ever know that i was afraid. Great plan, except. [dramatic musical flourish] oh sylvester mayday. Emergency. Firefighters down. [dramatic music] i screwed up. I deliberately broke protocol. Its my fault that theyre dead. Dont do this, jason. Taking the blame. You dont tell the truth about what happened, youll never ride a rig again. Whats the prognosis . The cancers in my bones. My odds are not good. Im not thinking about odds, im here and so are you and thats enough. [monitor beeping] [chuckles softly] [knock at door]
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