Transcripts For KLAS The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160915

Well, it doesnt mean the party has to end. Damn it. I left my nipple clips in my other suit. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes trevor noah Allen Iverson and Chris Gethard featuring jon st and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thanks, its. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen whats going on, man . Hey, everybody mark. Thank you very much. Stephen Stephen Stephen. Stephen thats nice. I dont get that every night. Thats nice Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thats very nice. We dont get that every night. You dont get that every night. Hey welcome everybody. Im Stephen Colbert. Theres a big story that reinforced what i believe is the central message of the 2016 election never use email. The latest person caught with his inbox flappin in the wind is former secretary of state, colin powell, who had about two years of emails stolen and then posted on line. Wow that is a deep dive into the colin. laughter applause thats all right. Thats all right. And these emails contain some real bombshells. For instance, powell called donald trump a National Disgrace and an international pariah. cheers and applause all right. Okay, all right, all right. But thats not entirely fair. Hes also an in cheers and applause and in another email, powell said that any Media Attention just helps trump, even criticisms, writing, to go on and call him an idiot just emboldens him. Its true, its true. You cannot stop trump by call him stupid. Hes just like forrest gump he was big in the 90s, somehow acquired a fortune, and runs longer than anyone thought he laughter applause the only difference run, forest run the only difference is forrest gump went to vietnam. Its true. Coldblooded but secretary powell didnt just talk trump. He let loose on backhanded compliment or a fronthanded insult writing jon oh, coldblooded. Stephen bimbos. A damning accusingation. Thats my dave matthews. Its not very good. This isnt the first time these two have butted heads. Because hillary has repeatedly claimed that colin powell was the one who told her to set up a private server, while in the leaked emails colin powell writes its nice to know that two people who have served as this communicate via minitantrums. laughter applause but at least applause at least minitantrum. Just a minitantrum. But at least she didnt get the full colin freakout. She just got the semicolon. applause yes, thank you. That deserved thats a joke you want to end with that semicolon. Guess what, guess what . A new census data just came out. Sit down, i know were all excited. The report showed that for the first time in seven years, Median Household Income went up. It also had some good news for the lady because the gender wage gap has can decreased by one cent, one cent. So, gals, why dont you celebrate with a nice piece of penny candy. Not two pieces, though. Thatll take another 25 years. You know, i have been beating around the bush here. I have to get something thats kind of upsetting me, i was hoping i could get it off my chest. Would that be okay . We were talking about this earlier. I feel dumb. Im such an idiot. I never knew there were four different species of giraffes. Thats right. Apparently, a new study found there are four species of giraffe instead of just one. I guess now when your fiveyearold says their favorite animal is a giraffe, you can say, be more specific, laughter and, sure, no one knew that until this week, but i still feel pretty stupid. Plus, up until now, i just thought a giraffe was just a snake on top of a horse. Scientists made the discovery by performing skin biopsies on 190 giraffes from all around africa. They found four distinct species and three moles the giraffes might want to have checked out. Additionally, the four newl with each other in the wild, although, in the giraffes defense, theyve been under a lot of stress at work, and they got kids now. And, frankly, even when they were younger the sex was good, but not exactly in the wild. Giraffes usually dont make it past the necking phase. Jon hey, hey, hey stephen is that too dirty . Is that too dirty . Jon no, its a family joke. Remember the rapper, nelly. Hes in the news. And dont worry, you did not just emerge from a reverse coma and wake up in 2001. Apparently, the st. Louis rapper has been hit with a federal tax lien that amounts to 2,412,283. I almost never get to say this, but, whoa, nelly. laughter applause but, luckily, his fans have come to the rescue by listening to and over again. Fans have figured out that with spotify paying artists sixtension of a cent per treme that is a lot. Maybe nelly could make some cash by putting his song over some footage that is getting hundreds of millions of plays this week. Maybe something like. So hot . So take off all your cloacts . . Stephen they did claim it was the heat. They did claim it was heat exhaustion. They claimed that. Well, just to make sure nelly has learned his lesson, ive updated his hit hot in herre to teach him all about fiscal responsibility. This right here. Thank you very much. laughter its called debt in herre. Now, nelly, i want to help you, so i went over your numbers with my accountant, wendy, and she was quite alarmed and has got some advice for you. Please, listen. . Not a little bit of back tax its a lotta bit of back tax . Not a little bit of back tax its a lotta bit of back tax . Hes like, good gracious . Lost all your paystubs waitin for the right time to pay your fees . Now youre payin down serious federal liens . Then, youre grieving cash leavin . With all the monthly bills youre receivin . Check it shoulda used a bank in geneva . Writeoffs loopholes . Shoulda believed in accounts bleeding . Legal proceedings no teasing . I need you to play this song on the dance floor . Give tax man what he asking for . Cuz ya stopped being cash obtuse . Stop writing those i. O. U. s i. R. S. Wont sign a truce . So just file your w2s from now on . Just pay your monthly debt so your accounts dont close . . . Being frugal is so hot youre gonna pay your bills off . You wear them at your work so write off all your clothes . Theyre a business expense so you can write your clothes off stephen say hello to jon batiste and stay human, . . . applause cheers and applause . Save a little bit of back tax save a little bit of back sax . I am going to be singing that for the next 40 days . 40 days . Can i ask you guys a question . Are you ready for some football cheers and applause well, youre going to have to wait because tomorrow is the first installment of thursday night football right here on cbs. So be sure to set your alarm for about 1 00 a. M. , because thats when my show will be starting after the game. That also means that tonight is the late shows annual wednesday night thursday night wednesday night thursday night football promo is a huge huge tradition in my household. The whole family breaks out the nachos and buffalo wings, and we gather round the table to drive crossplatform synergy for thursdays big game, just like i did with my dad. And thursday is the ideal night to watch football because when you wake up after the game, its friday. With sunday night football, you wake up on a monday booo. So be sure to tune in tomorr its going to be a huge matchup jets versus bills with former bills coach rex ryan now coaching buffalo, and former bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick now leading the jets. Its a battle of the transplanted ryans which one will be rejected like a bad kidney . Tune in to find out. Plus, jets versus bills means we could witness an n. F. L. First, where somehow both teams manage applause and thursday night Football Games will look a little different this year because nike unveiled monochromatic uniforms for all 32 teams to wear. The jerseys are great news if you dont have a Favorite Football Team but do have a favorite popsicle flavor. Go fighting razzleberries nike has even taken the colorblind into consideration, so for games featuring a red and green team, one of the teams will instead wear all white. A team can also wear white if theyre saving themselves for the playof laughter so tune in tomorrow, but also tune in right now because well be right back with trevor noah. . . . applause dennys introduced new buttermilk pancakes well, were pretty sure we know who. For a limited time, kids get our new pancakes in any of these flavors, free. . Our longest lasting energizer max ever. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Hello. Hi. Welcome. This is the chevy malibu. It was awarded it looks great. Wow what is happening . Oh my gosh, its going up but the malibus not the only vehicle that was awarded. This is mind blowing. The chevy camaro, equinox, and silverado hd were awarded most dependable as well. This is extremely impressive. Theres so many doing it once, yea, great job, four times, obviously, theyre doing something right. Absolutely hahaha umhmmm hey nikki what are you doing here . Youve been streaming my videos all morning. Now youre with this thing . No its not you its verizon they limit my data. I had to choose. Come on, girl. Lets get us a man with unlimited data. Why pay verizon more for data limits . Introducing tmobile one. One price. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. My first guest is a standup comic, author, and host of soon be celebrating one year of hosting the daily show. Please welcome trevor noah . . . applause stephen welcome back. Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen tref over, tref over do they have ever chant your name at the daily show. Of. No, you earn a chant. Can i tell you something . I did not truly understand why people chanted the way they did, until i watched you during the that you were doing, and then you must remember, we didnt get the colbert show in south africa, and that was the most amazing thing i have seen in my life. I said thats how you chant your name. Youre amazing, man. I will earn the chanting, but not now. Stephen youre amazing, too. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. Stephen youre coming up on one year. Yes. Stephen of the daily show, and the last time you were here was shortly before you started show over there. Stephen so what have you learned, my friend . I have learned i think in some way, i may be connected to trump. I think i i think you are related to him . I think somehow, somehow like harry potter and voalder morts because i feel like i came out of nowhere and this thing came out and it kind of happened and now its happening. I think i may need to die to save america to save you all stephen wow. Well, i mean, they you know, you did come here i mean, country. Yes. Stephen to save us. laughter did you when you look at american politics now because the last time you were here, trump had, you know, made a splash but everyone still thought, cant possibly happen. Cant possibly happen. I think people still think that. Stephen if i thought that i could sleep at night. It could possibly happen. Were learning its time. Its time. You have evern cream parlor lets stop there, have you . Stephen yes. Okay, cool, just making sure. And youre choose ago you are getting to choose the flavors. Now in american elections you only have two flavors to choose from, and then they go hey, you have a year to choose your flavors. Youre going to stand there for a long time and say do i take the vanilla or the racist ginger. And you get to spend a lot of time choosing the do not sell the racist jinger here. They say, hey, youve got a year. If they say, choose now, youll pick. If they say a year you take your time. Racist ginger sounds interesting. It it would make life exciting. Stephen it would. People say they want an outsider, and i understand if you look at politics and how convoluted it becomes i understand that, but an outsider to what is what you should be asking. Stephen to the the insiders . Thats not spec e i dont think so. Stephen its specific enough for trump. It seems to be working. And the people voting for him. All people in the baskent. The basket was is displt basket of deplore ables. What do you make of that. I guess he said he has followers are racist, but what do you think of basket of deplorables. I think the basket thing is more offensive. Put me in a basket, im offended by that. If you randoply said i was walking down the street and saw a basket of black people. You would say, whoa, whoa. Stephen because i said it was for black people. No, but its the basket thats offensive. Stephen a basket of puppies is fantastic. A basket of black puppies would be fan tack. It skirts the line. If she said, a tupperware of deplorables, people wouldnt have been as offended. Stephen let me try this. I was walking down the street and i saw a tupperware full of black people. You cant say full of because that means they contain black people. Try it again without full of. Stephen i say, i saw tupperware full of black people. And i would say, what, do you mean by that, stephen . At least it makes me think. It makes you think. Stephen all right. We have to take a little break. Trevor noah. Trevor noah. A basket. A basket. A basket. . . One smart choice leads to the next. . The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. If your sneezes are a force to be reckoned with. You may be muddling through allergies. Try zyrtec . For powerful allergy relief. And zyrtec . Is different than claritin . Because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. Try zyrtec . Muddle no more . Get to kohls starting thursday. And get 10 off your womens fall fashion purchase of 50 or more youll get kohls cash too now thats the good stuff. Kohls. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. O dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Hotels. Coms rewards program is simple. For every 10 nights i stay, i get one free. Cell phone captain obvious. This on the other hand, will not be simple. You gonna have to ride the belt. Hotels. Com. Its the obvious choice. Was saying youre coming up on celebrating band playing cheers and applause your first year of hosting the daily show. I ran into you at a party, and you said to me on the weekends you sometimes fly back to south africa to see your family. Yeah, i try. Stephen its an 18hour flight to johannesburg. No, no, no, 16 hours. Stephen oh, 16 hours. My apologies. 18 would be ridiculous. Stephen how do you do that, leave friday morning . I fly thursday late night, close to midnight. And ill land on the friday, and then ill have a friday full day, and then saturday i fly back and im here on a sunday. Stephen so 36 hours in johannesburg. Not even, i guess. How do you do that . How often have you done that over the past year . Six, seven times, maybe. I love sleeping on a plane. I feel like airplanes are the last place of sleepingness. Its just beautiful. I just sleep. Stephen how do you possibly sleep through the night . Dont the stewardesses come up and say, would you like a pillow . No, no, i wrap i have this mask that provides humidity, and i wear, like, a hoodie and tape mye true. This is all true. And i wrap myself up. So i have humidity and i close everythingep and its gone. Stephen do you look bane. I look like bane and darth vader had a child. Stephen id see that movie. You have a book coming out right after the election. Its called born a crime. Stephen what do you mean by that . I was born a crime. I was born to a black south father during apartheid in south africa, and them doing the thing was illegal. Stephen the thing . The thing. The thing of making me. Stephen this thing . When that thing does that . Well, thats worse than me saying the thing. I dont know what that is. Stephen just being thats even worse. Stephen really . That doesnt even look like will thing. Its going into nothing. Stephen thats one thing and thats the other thing right there. Thats how it works. You know how the right . I i hope so. My parns got together during that time which was against the law, and i was born during this. Stephen when was that . 1984. Stephen when did that law change . Apartheid ended in mean 90. So for the first year of my life i was living a physical crime. I had to go back through my life. I learned thengz about my life i didnt actually know. For instance, i always thought i was an indoor child. Leave the house, because if i was seen in soweto, the area i lived in, the police would see me and go, that kid, hes a crime. You could see that. And they would send me to an orphanage. My mom wouldnt be allowed to have me. Stephen what do you make of americans saying our rights being taken away or our country bheeg taken from us, where you grew up someplace where your existence itself was a violation of the law . You know, i always say to people, i can somebody for thinking that their world is tough because it is tough to you. I look at my upbringing, and i go i remember when i went to brazil, and i visited the favellas in rio de janeiro, and i said, man, this is bad. And i go with an american to south africa, and they go this is bad. No, this is bad. Its bad for you, and thats all it really needs to be. When people go, my right are being taken away. I go, do you feel like theyre yeah. And i say, why do you say that . Because i cant order more food. Its different, its different, its different, but its still valid. We all have our challenge s. Stephen you also have a show at the Beacon Theater here in the new york to the new york comedy festival. What night is that im going to be doing standup comedy on the fifth of november. That will be fun. Stephen you have a fulltime job, my friend. And youre a great stand on the weekends im going to take it easy. Thats me taking a break. I go im so tired im going to do some standup. Stephen thank you for doing that. Thats my love. Stephen thank you for being here. Enjoy election. You enjoy it. Stephen well enjoy it together. Stephen new york comedy festival presents trevor noah is at the Beacon Theater on november 5. Trevor noah, everybody well be right back. D i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of american express. Its more than cash back. foot steps . crickets chirping jet engine . heart beat . water splashing rain drops engine revving tires on wet road . Anncr hanes underwear with revolutionary xtemp technology lets put it to the test. Youre up. Ew. Im gonna play it. Wedge . Yup next anncr it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. Hanes xtemp technology. Because when youre cool, youre comfortable. I think you got this. Right. Hey, need fast heartburn relief . Try cool mint zantac. N in your mouth and throat. Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. Try cool mint zantac. Buy one take one is back at olive garden choose one delicious entr . E at our place and another for yours starting at 12. 99 may all your tomorrows be as delicious as today band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen thats right. Welcome back, everybody. My next guest tonight is an n. B. A. Legend and a true sports icon. Hes an 11time allstar, four time scoring champion, n. B. A. M. V. P. , and was just inducte fame. Please welcome Allen Iverson cheers and applause . . . Stephen come on up. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. The chains, too. Oh. Stephen it adds a little class to the situation. I try to be classy. Stephen congratulations on the hall of fame. cheers and applause . Thank you. Stephen thats extraordinary. Thats extraordinary. How did it feel it was it was one of the sort of the bestattended, like, the largest attended induction ceremonies in in a decade. How did it feel to have that many pele back in the day said that you didnt put the effort in that was necessary. The people talked about your personal style. Called you a thug. To be up there and have people cheering you on, and so excited, and so ready to honor you . How did that feel . I just it just made me love god even more than i do now. applause to get that feeling. I remember being up on the podium and feeling like, you know, my legs were shaking. I felt like i was going to faint. And i was sitting there. I remember having a moment saying, god, please dont let me faint. You know what i mean . Stephen you looked a little chocked up before you even started talking. Yeah, obviously, like, these people, all of my supporters, the people who stuck with me through all my ups and trials and tribulations, my family being there, and having to look at them and see how proud they were of me, you know, my fans, my friends, you know, everybody that contributed and to having a part of me accomplishing something so big. I was just very emotional applause cheers crossover dribble of yours that you just used over there. You used that quite famously on Michael Jordan back in the day. I think we have a clip of you here. There you go. The crowd is into it. The crowd loves it nice move by stephen how long had you been playing when you went up against michael like that . How many years had you been in the n. B. A. When you went up against michael like that . That was my first year. Stephen that was your first year. Was that was that one of the high moments of your career . It was definitely one of them. I didnt really pay any attention to it until the aftermath of it all. You know what i mean . Once i got response from everybody else worldwide, you like, little kids, five and six years old come up to me and they dont say, you know, are you Allen Iverson . They say, youre the guy that crossed up Michael Jordan, arent you . laughter and its a special it was a special moment in my career because that was my idol. That was my favorite. If it wasnt for him, i wouldnt have never been a basketball player. I wouldnt have never had the vision. You know, i truly wand that might, we was just in a war, and when youre in a war, as much as you love the the person that you are playing against, you know, my philly teammates and my philly fans, i was on their side. laughter applause stephen well, you know, one of the things that people, you know, for whatever reason criticized about you back the in different than any of the other styles. I dont mean just your game play, like the fact that you had tattoos. The fact that you wore your hair in cornrows. Now, players can do anything they want. They can can have style they want. Lebron can be all tatted out and nobody says anything. Do you think they owe a little debt to you for being your own real self . Thats a bittersweet thing for me. Because i was young. And i took the asspositive whooping for these guys today to be able to be themselves. I wasnt afraid to be who i am. I didnt think anything was wrong with it. I dressed like the guys i grew up with. I looked like the guys that i grew up with. And my cornrows, it was just because i was tired of going different barbers cut me hair. laughter applause and they were messing me hair up. And i was saying, okay, well, if i get corned rows, i dont have to have that problem. And the tattoos, i always had a fetish for it. But obviously you see in georgetown, i only had one. And once i came into some money and thats when it became addictive and i was able to afford it. So thats how i got more and more. But, you know, you cant judge a book by its cover. I think a lot of times eye love the the fact that when people around me, they understand that im not the person that the media made me out to be. A negative Allen Iverson story is the greatest Allen Iverson story for some reason, you know, what i mean . They dont talk about what i do for the aids awareness, what i do for the boys and girls club, you know, what i do on thanksgiving, giving out turkeys and giving out gifts on cheers and applause . Stephen congratulations, congratulations. Lovely to meet you. Allen iverson, everybody. Hall of famer. Well be right back with Chris Gethard. Start the interview with a firm handshake. Ay,no dont do that try head shoulders instant relief. It cools on contact, and also keeps you 100 flake free. T relief. My bladder leakage made me feel like i couldnt be the father that i wanted to be. Now i use depend. I can move the way i really want. Unlike the bargain brand, new depend fitflex underwear is now more flexible to move with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Esurance does Auto Insurance a smarter way. Like their photo claims tool. It helps settle your claim quickly, which saves time, which saves money. R the modern world. Esurance, an allstate company. Click or call. Esurance does insurance a smarter way, which saves money. Like bundling home and auto coverage, which reduces red tape, which saves money. And when they save, you save. Thats home and Auto Insurance for the modern world. Esurance, an allstate company. Allen iverson, hall of famer, and were going to weve got a trash can right here in the middle of the stage. Can you get a shot of that, jimmy . What were going to do is, were going to have a shootout here to see who is in hall of fame of paper ball basketball. You can stand or you can sit. What do you want to do . Im going to sit. Stephen youre going to sit . All right, then ill sit, too. Hold on, hold on. Take this off. cheers and applause this is serious, mao. Not for me laughter . Stephen mott serious for you . Its about to get real serious, Allen Iverson. Serious bragging rights. Stephen i beat dr. J. At this. You can ask him. Hes not happy about it. Did he have his eyes closed . laughter applause ready . One, two, three. Go. Oh, my god i oh, my god buzzer cheers and applause Allen Iverson wooo i was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. Cravings fast. Every great why its time for some Straight Talk. Most Wireless Companies offer nocontract plans, but getting a new phone. Usually means getting locked into a contract. Theres a better way with new Straight Talk plus, get a Samsung Galaxy s7 for as low as thirtyone dollars a month, no contract. Cancel any time, no penalties. Its time to ask yourself. Why havent i switched . Add our unlimited plan. On americas largest, ore at straighttalk. Com . Never underestimate the power of energizer. Everybody. My next guest is the very funny host of the Chris Gethard show on fusion. Please welcome Chris Gethard. Come on up. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Stephen things are going great for you right now. Theyre ago. Stephen theyre in the the great movie and you have the the show, the the Chris Gethard show on fusion. The show calls itself the most bizarre and often saddest talk show in new york city. Yeah, we have you beat on sadness, i think. Nothing else, nothinges, but sadness, yeah. Stephen what is the most bizarre and sad thing youve done recently on the show . My favorite was we did an episode you can watch it, paul sheer and jason manducas were whats in the dumpster. That was the whole hour. Stephen you had a dumpster on set. On set. And callers could call in and be, is it a rackle ball . And wed say no. Stephen it could be any item in the universe. What it turned out to be if you dont upon the spoiler it was paul giamatti. Take a guess . A bowl of spaghetti with oregano in it. Bowl of spaghetti with oregano. Stephen how long was paul gimountain nethat dumpster . Close to two and a half hours, stephen. And having one of our greatest living actors, i want you to sit in a trash receptacle. It was sad. Stephen did you clean it out . I think so. I leave that to the the production staff. I dont know. I dont personally clean it out. But, yeah, you can actually you can watch all two and a half youtube. Stephen wow. Yeah, yeah. Stephen some people have that fetish, im sure. Yeah. Theres something for everyone. It wasnt pleasant asking a man of his caliber, will you do this . But he was a good sport about it. Stephen when did you do this . A couple of months ago. Stephen i know his publicist. Yeah. Stephen im going to call her. Yeah, it might be the first shes heard of it laughter . Stephen youre also in dont think twice, which was about people starting off in co comedy. And you came from that world. I did. Stephen what was it like doing that movie . Was there a script or did you guys improvise it . There was a script. There were some improvised sketches. Its about one member of an improv group gets really successful, and the others people are like, im never going to be successful. And i know that second feeling very, very well, of feeling all my friend are getting successful, and im still here doing improv 12 years later. Much as kind of reenacting 2006 and 2007. laughter stephen well, but youre successful now. I mean maybe. I dont know. laughter . Stephen no, no, you are youve got the show. Youve got the movie. Youve got a new youve got a show thats moving off broadway at the lynn red grave theater called career suicide. Im semisuccessful. That being said, allen sweat pant are worth more than my suit so im not that successful. Stephen he gave me these shoes. He did stephen what size shoe do you wear . 11 and a half. Stephen these are 10 and a half. How tall are you . Im 57. Stephen you and have an 11 and a half foot shoe . Wow . applause what are you depressed about . laughter a lot of things. Stephen you talk about a lot about anxiety. Yeah. Stephen in your show. What makes you anxious . All kinds of things. My show is all about my depression issues. Its a comedy show, i want to be clear. Stephen all comedy in some way is about anxiety and depression. I think people are still scared to talk about this stuff and i want to laugh about it and see if that helps a little bit the anxiety one lowlevel, my wife is incredible, an incredible person, but if she s a cabinet, it just stays open. Stephen all the the way open . Like, she will open it and walk away. I dont know if she knows they move in the other direction. Like, its bad. And there was one night where we laid down in bed and i couldnt fall asleep because i knew, theres a cabinet open in our kitchen. And in my head im like who cares . Its fine. There are no negative repercussions. And in my head i said, you cannot make that promise. Its crazy if you do it. But i did. I tiptoed into our kitchen, and i shut the cabinet door, and i said out loud, its over. And i fell asleep. Thats how i live. Stephen the funny thing sican totally relate to your wife, because thats my wife. My wife is like that. Were going to bed at the end of day and shell be like, you can turn off the lights in the kitchen. I said, you bet. And i open a cabinet and start to turn off lights please close that. Shell run over and go to close the cabinet and run out of the kitchen and ill go, turn off the light. People like you and my wife are driving people like me and your wife insane. Stephen you also are youre also very open about taking antidepressants and that sort of thing. Yeah. Stephen some people look at comedians, are a sad on the inside clown. And if you arent sad or depressed you cant be funny. It did. And i think its a sad myth. I always are worry ill lose my ideas if im on antidepressants. And i went on them and im so much funnier now, which is stunning to see. I remember one of the ideas i think back to these ideas. I went to Rutgers University the rare clap for rutgers, well done. An appropriate level of clapping for Rutgers University. I was there and i had dicomedy with and i called them up and said, i have the best idea i ever had. Get over here. Stephen this was preantidepressants. It was preantidepressants. And i said, were going to write a play tonight. Its going to be called time phone and it will be about a phone where you can pick it up and you can talk to people in other err as of time. Well perform it one night only also tonight at an a. T. M. Booth at a local bank. Whos going to see it . If anybody needs catch they will phone. And they were all like, no, no, were not doing it. And not only is that a bad idea they shouldnt have been scared to lose, its the plot of a dennis quaid movie. Frequency is that with a ham radio. Stephen absolutely. Thats what i was scared of if i went on meds i wouldnt be able to go into a manic phase and rip off dennis quaid. Stephen thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having stephen career suicide opens offbroadway on october 5. Im Catherine Cortez masto and i come from a big family. A whole lot of people. A whole lot of love. And a whole lot of food. My dads family was from mexico. 60 years ago they met here in nevada and we grew as a family really grew as a family. Dad got his start parking cars at the dunes hotel. But he went on to be the head of tourism for las vegas and helped build the city we know today. Dad lived his life following three principles, work hard, be honest and respect everyone, thats what i tried to do as attorney general. She became a National Leader in protecting children from sex traffickers. And passed laws to keep seniors safe from crooked scams. Im Catherine Cortez masto, i approve this message because ive spent my career solving problems, isnt that something stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tracee ellis ross, andrew rannells, and musical guest mac miller featuring anderson pack. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, andy samberg and Neil Degrasse tyson. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from youre going to be all right . Its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the