Transcripts For KCNC The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160824

Accusation, and ive looked into it. I have here on my desk all medical research the Trump Campaign has done on Hillary Clinton. Lets take a look. Okay, oh, yeah, this doesnt look good. laughter clearly, unfit to serve. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes rami malek. Tika sumpter and Parker Sawyers. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thanks, everybody. Thanks for being here. Whats going on Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen thats nice. Thats nice. Thank you cheers and applause wooo wooo . . . These are people these are people absolutely. On this planet right now. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause that is a fresh audience. And we keep them fresh by keeping it this cold in here, you guys, crisp as celery. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Everybody feeling good . cheers and applause okay . The president ial candidates. Tough job running for these united states. Right now, donald trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. So how do we know the truth . Well, former new york mayor and guy who took away your times square porn, Rudy Giuliani has a simple suggestion. Go online and put down Hillary Clinton illness. Take a look at the videos for yourself. laughter stephen yes, giuliani says just diagnose hillary on the internet. If its on the internet, you know its true. For instance, i put my symptoms into web md and found out ive started menopause. cheers and applause it . Stephen its why we keep it so cold in here, by the way. So i took giuliani at his word. I googled Hillary Clinton illness, and this is true, the first result is giulani fuels Clinton Health rumors again. And again. So let me get this straight. Let me explain this to you. Heres whats happening. Giuliani says shes not healthy, and you can look it up on the up on the internet, it says that giuliani says shes not healthy and to look it up on the internet. Its a loop. Its like a snake with its tail in its mouth, or a man with his head up his own ass. cheers and applause by the way, something you used to be able to see in times square before giuliani came along. But im not surprised that he was able to diagnose hillary so accurately without examining her. After all, giuliani and donald trump are experts on female anatomy. Its true, its true. Just look at this actual video the two of them made. You know, youre really beautiful. A woman that looks like that has to have her own special scent. Maybe i could tell me what you think of th oh, you dirty boy donald, i thought you were a gentleman laughter stephen now, obviously, thats shocking, and youre going to want to verify that video. Just go online and put down donald trump, Rudy Giuliani, drag queen, motorboat. Stephen good, clean, family joke. Now, i dont think thats exactly the video giuliani wanted you to find on the internet. I think the one he wanted you to find was this one. Conspiracy theorists have cooked up just about every condition for her. Brain damage . Check. Parkinsons . Check. Autism . Yup. Even syphillis. Syphilis. You cannot be president if you have syphilis. Just ask ben franklin. But you cant ask him. You know why . Syphillis. laughter now, these conspiracies started back in 2012 when Hillary Clinton fell down, hit her head, and got a concussion, making her miss the first benghazi hearing, and some people accused her of faking it to get out of testifying. Only was it not fake, but so serious that she suffered permanent brain damage. And they have proof, and its this footage of her reacting to a crowd of reporters, which they say shows her having a seizure. And even more recently, this damning footage from the Clinton Convention of hillary enjoying the celebration. Now, im admit, ill admit, that is not very president ial behavior. My fellow americans, the state of our union is. Oh shiny shiny union i wish i got excited about anything that much. cheers and applause i really cheers want to say this to the trump people out there. I dont know why they keep things like frail, or week, or low energy. Theyre just tiptoeing around the medical condition theyre really worried about, one that no other president in history has ever faced. Hillary clinton has chronic no penis. Its congenital. cheers and applause it runs her family, has had the same thing. Speaking of the internet and penises you guys know what gawker is, right . Youve heard of gawker. Gawker. Com . Or was. Yesterday marked the end of an era when gawker was shut down. Its all because gawker lost an enormous lawsuit after posting a hulk hogan sex tape. So just to make sure were not show would like to go on record as saying we do not believe hulk hogan has ever had sex. Total virgin. No one no one who acts like that has ever been laid. Personally, im sorry the hulkster beat me to the punch on this one. Because i was counting on getting a bunch of money from sex tape. I wasnt even going to have to share the money since im the only one on the tape. applause not easy to do that to yourself, by the way. Now, where were we . Where were we . Where were we . Where were we . Oh International News in International News, north korea has announced a huge step forward in their race to the they have their own version of netflix of course, its not called netflix. Their streaming service is called manbang. applause by the way, its a lot less subtle when you ask someone to manbang and chill. But you know what . You know what . Lets give it a try, okay. Manbang. And, oh, my goodness. Yeah. Okay. Oh, they are very fit. Ill tell you what, why dont you stick around. Weve got more on the latest Clinton Emails and rami malek when we come back. I am sebastian artois. Brewmaster. 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Click or call. Esurance does insurance a smarter way, which saves money. Like bundling home and auto coverage, which reduces red tape, which saves money. , an allstate company. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, before the commercial break, which i hope you all enjoyed, we were talking about the internet Conspiracy Theory that Hillary Clinton is suffering from brain damage. What is still embunked is Hillary Clinton and her emails. Yesterday, it came out that the f. B. I. Has uncovered 15,000 more previously unseen emails from her private server. I have thousands of unread emails in my own inbox. Now i have to read 15,000 of hers . By the way and i mean this inserious match. Com, thank you for sending me all those profiles of available African American women in their 40s from the cape girardeaux area of missouri, but im good. This is a true story. My kids thought my wife and i would be a good match on sign you up for match. Com separately to see if the computers would match you because we think they would match you. I told them, do not do that. I do not want anybody reporting that Stephen Colbert signed up for match. Com. They said they didnt, but i have started receiving emails from match. Com that for some reason are sending me mid40s, very friendly looking fullfigured sisters. Jon oh, hey stephen yeah, yeah. And asking me to hollaback. applause im flattered. I understand the appeal. But thank you but no thank you. Now, where was i . Where was i . Hillary clinton. And the emails. There are so many of these hillary emails that the state Department Says theyll be putting them out in batches, with the the final batch scheduled to be released. Four days before election day. And election day by my calculations is still lets see laughter a reason to drink. laughter applause but theres actually another nother new batch of Clinton Emails. And these are ones about her ties to donors at the Clinton Foundation, which is a charity set up to distribute aid around the world, and just as importantly, to keep bill clinton busy enough that he doesnt spend all day trying to hooters with him. They got clam strips. They got clam strips. Delicious. And these emails show how the foundations donors sometimes got access to clinton while she was secretary of state. Sounds shady. But with all the questions surrounding all of these emails, its hard to tell whats really a thing and whats nothing at all. So to figure it out, lets bring out the late shows thingometer. cheers and applause okay, okay. This is the thingometer. It shows how stuff rates on a scale of thing, to not a thing. For example, over here at thing, you have igneous rock. Clearly a thing. And we know rocks are a thing because rocks are what the thing here in the middle is maybe a thing, represented by hiddleswift, which may be a thing, but i also hear is not a thing. Honestly, who knows . Stay safe, you guys. Now, and over here is not a thing, represented by mike pence mania, where teens take pictures of themselves dressed as mike pence. Which, i promise you, is not a thing. Yet, yet. So lets reset the thingometer, and lets find out if the Clinton Foundation scandal is really a thing. Heres what came out in the emails. First, they show ties to a charismatic, powerhungry International Leader bono. Hes a Clinton Foundation donor, and he got them to send an email to secretary clintons top aide huma abedin, requesting a linkup with the International Laughter clintons staff wrote back, no clue. applause in other words, he still hasnt found what hes looking for. cheers and applause no, okay. So im going to say im going to say not a thing. Now lets lets reset again. So what else was in these emails . A request came to the foundation for secretary clinton to meet with another major donor, the crown prince of bahrain. And this time, he got a meeting. Anyone can see that looks bad doesnt take a bahrain surgeon or for that matter a rocket scientist. Though if you are a rocket scientist, could you please get laughter but this might not actually be a thing, because the emails also reveal that the meeting was requested and set up through official channels. Wow. I am impressed that the prince of bahrain used official state Department Communication channels. Even Hillary Clinton didnt do that so im going to say im going to say between maybe a thing and a we reset. The Technology Behind this is so advanced. The emails also show a request from a Clinton Foundation donor to get a visa for a british Soccer Player with a criminal. Record. However, the visa was never granted. So im going to say this, as well as soccer, not a thing. applause and id just like to say, between being Hillary Clintons aide and Anthony Weiners wife, i do not envy her lifestyle. Im so sick of these emails. Lets see whats on twitter oh god that that is definitely a thing. applause cheers cheers and now, heres Something Else i love you. And heres Something Else that seems like a thing since these emails came out, bill clinton has announced that the foundation will stop accepting corporate and foreign donations if Hillary Clinton is elected. So maybe hillarys ties to the Clinton Foundation are not a thing. Its kind of a thing. So the Clinton Foundation scandal lands right up there at maybe a thing, which is the same ranking as bald guys with ponytails. Because it may not be a crime, but it sure doesnt look good. Well be right back with rami malek. Stick around. . . . One smart choice leads to the next. . The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. . Sorry. Regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. Here in olathe, colorado. And im glad we have a senator who uses his ears to listen to whats most important to colorado farmers. Michael bennet asked what he could do to help, and then worked with republicans to make a farm bill thats making a difference to all farmers in colorado. The thing that impresses me most about Michael Bennet we dont always agree, but he values our input. And i do trust Michael Bennet to look out for us. Im Michael Bennet and i approve this message. Welcome back. My first guest tonight is a brilliant band playing actor who is now the star of mr. Robot. I didnt force you to do any your choice. Truth is, i just followed your lead. People want to follow you. Why . Same reason why you led the entire world into a revolution. Because you are a i dont want to be a leader. Stephen please welcome rami malek. Sthphen please welcome, rami the people are for rami malek . I mean, this is crazy. Stephen isnt it . Isnt that great . Im not surprised. Im not surprised. Thank you. Stephen i think they just agree with me that youre one of my favorite actors. Youre really an amazing person to watch on film. Its fun to see you in person here. My mother thinks so, too. laughter . Stephen really . She sound like a really smart woman. Congratulations on mr. Robot. Thanks, man. Nominations. cheers and applause i understand you guys just got you guys just got picked up for season three. Yeah. Stephen thats good news for the rest of us. No spoilers. I havent seen season two yet. All right, all right. Stephen but i love it. Then dont read anything online. Thats what i would tell you. Stephen i never do. I never do. Obviously, i look up Hillary Clinton illness, but other than that. A lot of things people say about thats one of the best things about it is that it doesnt talk down to the audience. Actually is what you seen on screen, what theyre talking about is accurate. Did you know anything about hacking before did you this part . No, nothing at all. Im, like, a terrible typier, too, which is so sad. laughter . Stephen did you have to learn or is it all are you just doing this offscreen. I did start to do that, and i quickly got reprimanded. Theyre like, youre not playing the piano, is i stephen oh, really. piano playing opinion . Jon pling stephen did you have to take typing classes . I did have to take typing classes. Somebody came to my house and gave me typing lessons, and after a few session of that i was like, no, i think i can cover this with just pure acting. I can you can act to the tips of your fingers . Yeah, right. That. Stephen well, the character eye mean, the show itself is about, like, revolution, and anarchy, and a sense of profound alienation. Alienation. Stephen yeah we just connected which is the opposite of profound alienation. Yeah, right. Stephen so why do you think why do you think it has struck such a chord with people . I think so many people feel alienated in a way. They feel, you know, disenfranchised by the society iv they feel like they want to do something about it, but its very difficult to, you know, to rail against this this society that is, you know, positioned you know, the 1 against the rest of us, i feel. Its just a difficult place for people who are, you know, just striving to be to achieve something and who are very different. Yeah. Stephen well, your character your character is certainly very different, you know. And youve played a couple of characters like snafu in the pacific was another character, a brilliant performance, another character profoundly damaged or profoundly alienated. Do you enjoy playing people who cant connect with other people . Because laughter an actors job is to connect with other people, isnt it . Yeah. It must be somewhere deep inside of me that i have those same feelings. You know, i what it is that made these people that you know, that way, if its, you know, a question i think of nature versus nurture, you know. If were, you know, just if were born that way or its a situation that has been dealt to us, that puts us that allows us to develop in this way, that its difficult to communicate at times or forces us into a corner. Elliot, your character, is talking to us, talking to the camera, as if were not real. As if were an acknowledged imaginary presence in his head, who he knows he shouldnt be talking to because were not there. And it really alienates you from the tv show because its almost as if the tv show is saying, it would be better if you werent real. Right. Stephen and that the tv show is real, and weert fake thing. Yeah. It does. Stephen it does blow your mind. You blew my mind. Well, thats whats cool about the the show. You know, it integrates that audience aspect more. You really feel like youre a part of it like do people say, i totally get what youre doing, and im going to bring down society like you guys do . Because youve got, like, this mentally damaged antihero that youre playing. But were pulling for you to stroi everything. Have to refer back to the Police Department and the c. I. A. Stephen congratulations. Thats called market penetration. laughter heres the thing is that youre not youre not that tech savvy, right . No. Stephen heres the thing do you like social media . Im not crazy about social media because i think its kind of you know, its a little bit polarizing. Its difficult difficult to figure out what exactly is happening on social media, you know. Things seem very manicured. I think it each other, you know. Stephen is that is that why you have an Instagram Account with almost 100,000 followers . And no posts yet. cheers and applause i had i had no idea i had that many followers. Stephen you have almost 100,000 followers. Thats crazy. Stephen and you have given how far do you think i can take this . Stephen could i help you out here . Could we give the people what they want . Could we field the beast and give them one photo of you for instagram . applause sure, sure. You came correct. Stephen i totally came prepared. I hope is this going to work. So this is going to be my first post. Stephen you want to do this . All right. Well, if youre going to do it right, you have to get higher, right. Yo there you go. Stephen is that working . Okay. Now its got there we go. Now its there we go stephen ready . We have to get higher. I mean, dont you see people crank their neck back like this for the perfect angle. Stephen ready, one, two. cheers and applause future we did it yes stephen mr. Robot airs wednesday nights on the usa. Network. Check it out, everybody. Rami malek. Well be right back with the love story of barack and Michelle Obama. Thanks, man. D. We made dennys new pancakes 50 fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. Anncr hanes underwear with revolutionary xtemp technology is designed to respond to your body temperature to help keep you cool. Lets put it to the test. Wedge . Yup next anncr it speeds evaporation to help keep you cool and dry. Hanes xtemp technology. Because when youre cool, youre comfortable. I think you got this. Right. I had that dream again that i was on the icelandic game show. And everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, my next guests play barack and Michelle Obama in the new movie southside with you. Please welcome tika sumpter and Parker Sawyers . . . Stephen thanks so much for being here. Thank you for having us. Thank you for having us. Stephen congratulations on the movie. You guys are playing barack and Michelle Obama in a movie about their first date back in 1989. And congratulations. I can see that youre expecting. Yes applause stephen is that is that for sequel . Or is that is that malia in there . Iow its malia. Its very freeing. Stephen congratulations. By the way, you seem fairly far along. I am. Im over seven months. So applause woo. Stephen congratulations thank you. Stephen the obamas have been in the white house for almost eight years now. Why go back and make a story about their first date . What does it tell us about them . I mean, its the origin story. Its a love story. And i think people were interested to see these two each other like they loved each other and they were politicians. And it was like, whats that about . And i think right . So i think that was exciting. And just who they were before they became the president and the first lady. I think theyre intriguing people. I think theyre charismatic, and i think its a great story. Stephen parker, is it intimidating to play the most powerful man in the world . No, no. No, it was i had been working on, like, the voice and mannerisms for a while. Stephen really, you were barack obama before you got the gig. Hold ostephen. I dont know if you heard me. imitating president obama there is no blue america. applause i had heard they resemble him, so i thought id play him in 10 or 15 years, and i was working on him thinking that, and this popped up. Stephen before everybody thinks this is just sort of a couple of people who are in the tank for the obamas, you actually worked for republicans, just laughter . Stephen on their first date they had some disagreement about whether this was a date, right . Yeah. Stephen and we have a little clip here showing that conversation. Barack, you seem like a really sweet guy. But how many times do i have to tell you, were not going out together. Well, michelle, thank you for saying that. You seem like a real sweet girl. But i have to correct you. We are in fact out. And we are in fact together. But not on a date. It doesnt have to be. Barack, i dont want it to be. Usually women i meet are willing to look past my hideous appearance and get ton the real me. applause stephen now, obviously, you were working on an impression of barack obama. What did you have to work on to play Michelle Obama . Did you have to work on the guns . Do you see that . Stephen wow, wow. First lady. Yeah, i had to work on her dialect. Shes very she puts her tongue toward the front of her mouth, and shes very hard on her words, you know. She talks when she talks she means everything she says. Right . So i had to work on that, and her mannerisms. You know, heart to chest. But there werent a lot of video of her when she was 25, so i had to read a lot. Stephen she hired him, right . Yes. She did adviser. Stephen so she was over him in the law firm. Exactly. So she was how could they date . Thats why its not a date. She was reluctant to go out with him because, you know, she worked hard and she was focused and she had her own career going expect this hot shot from harvard comes in. Shes dated guys like him before. But he was the hot shot from harvard and very charming. Yeah, he was. Stephen now, have you guys no, not yet, but you have. Stephen yeah. You could make a phone call. Stephen sure, hold on one second. I dont have i dont have my phone on me. They might be watching right now. Hey, hey, they seem very nice. Definitely have security, have Security Check them out. I want no responsible for this. Are you intimidated at all playing the first lady . At first i think it was intimidating, but once you strip down the obamas of it all and brought it back to the girl from the south side, which is michellero girl. And i think thats why shes so accessible and millions of women love her. She can dance to beyonce and also write a she can bans with beyonce. Thats true. Thats true. Stephen you have a fairly surprising impression i didnt know about, you do tim gunn. Tim gunn, from project runway. Hello, stephen. How are you . No blue states, no red states. Its all primary colors. Its the fabric of america. Its beautiful. Make it work. Stephen wait a second. Thats thats tim gunn doing an impression of barack obama, or barack obama doing an impression of tim gunn. You live in london, right . Right. Stephen whats the expression over there. Were a very divided country over here. There are people who have their who support him and his policies. Whats it like over there . What is their view of our political landscape. They love trump, its crazy. No, no. Stephen he called himself mr. Brexit. Whats the view of the obamas over there . They love the obamas. My wifes optometrist cried when he was elected for the first term. And then he stayed up all night for the second one. Didnt cry, though. Stephen didnt cry that time . No. Stephen no, wow. Optometrist. laughter theres a joke in there about his eyes someplace, but i cant think of what it is. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Now, obama is our first black president. Hillary clinton could be, we dont know, the first female president. Do you do you guys think that thats going to be as much as a landmark. How much for you as a woman. Do you think that would be as much of a landmark for you . Because it doesnt seem to be black president. I think they stand for beautiful things. Im about to have a little girl, and if youre going to be able to tell your kids you can be anything you want in this world we have to stop saying the words and put into action and elect a woman as well. cheers and applause stephen it was lovely to meet you. Thank you so much for being here. Parker, lovely to meet you. Congratulations. Good luck with the film. Thank you. Everybody well be right back. No one speed. No one way of driving on each and every road. But there is one car that can conquer them all. The mercedesbenz cclass. Five driving modes let you customize the steering, shift points, and suspension to fit the mood youre in. And the road youre on. The 2016 cclass. This is my body of proof. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin. This is my body of proof that i can fight Psoriatic Arthritis with humira. Humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. 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[bell rings] as an emergency umbrella. To help feed a friend. A drum solo i just use my backpack for books and stuff. Embark backpacks. Guaranteed for one year. The new chicken mcnuggets look fantastic made with 100 white meat chicken, no artificial preservatives, flavors and colors, crowd cheers and theyve done it the new chicken mcnuggets rightfully claim their gold this is the best day i am sebastian artois. Brewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. Stephen and now, making her solo television debut, with her new single, woman, please welcome diana Gordon Cheers and applause . . . . Woman woman . . . . Woman woman got a whole lotta nerve, . She the flame in the fire woman woman . She a lover and a fighter and a king and a mother . Woman woman turn a boy to a man . Build a whole empire that woman got a story . Wit a halo standing in her glory . Woman woman . Curves of her body woman woman . One hand on her . And the other on a harley woman woman . She can dance all night make ya coffee in the morning . That woman she from venus dont play around baby she a . Genius god gave u the answer . When he gave you the woman i know you the man . But dont forget where . God gave u the answer when he gave you the woman . God gave u the answer when he gave you the . Woman woman jack of all trades . Put the money on the counter woman woman . She the balls and the brains no dont you ever doubt her . Woman woman gotta finger on trigger . And she comin for the power that woman sheeza dangerous . So holy like she covered in that angel dust . God gave u the answer when he gave you the woman . I know you the man but dont forget where you come . From god gave u the answer . When he gave you the woman god gave u the answer . When he gave you the raising . Those babies that woman is winner . That woman is winner yeah . So you better hold that woman take me home . Here we go, come on. Woo . God gave u the answer when he gave you the woman . I know you the man but dont forget where . You come from god gave u the answer god gave u the answer . When he gave you the cheers and applause Stephen Diana Gordon Cheers and applause stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be anderson cooper, edgar ramirez, and musical guest now stick around for james corden and his guests, jason derulo and ben schwartz. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Your hangups and fears bout to set you right . Its the late, late show reggie ladies and