Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central welcome to the nightly show. audience chanting larry larry very nice of you. We have our h. R. And video editor leading the charge with the audience tonight. Yeah, man hiring season is now yeah laughter im larry wilmore. And boy im really excited about tonights show. Although. Maybe not quite as excited as this guy whose video went viral on facebook when he got his hands on a Patti Labelle sweet potato pie for the first time. Mmm, on my own why did it end this way. Cmon, patti. Im going to taste patti. Ooh, pattis so moist. Come on, patti patti here we go. Whoahhhh yea i swear, hey make you feel like Patti Labelle after eating this. Larry i havent seen a guy love a pie that hard since jason biggs in the First American pie movie. Am i wrong . Now that video racked up more than 9 million views. And voila what was once a slowmoving item is now selling at one pie every second. For a little perspective, thats faster than Patti Labelle can make them. laughter pattis trying really hard there. Far be it from me to preach to Patti Labelle, but maybe she shouldnt be making all those pies herself. Anyway, this leads me to our newest segment, shut your pie hole, presented by Patti Labelle sweet potato pie. Whoa, yeah larry thats the guy right there laughter there is something happening out there in the sports world. The new york rangers had a moment of silence before their game against the toronto mapleleafs in honor of the paris attacks. So as the arena sat still, piercing through the respectful silence was, lets go rangers really, guys . You couldnt hold that for 60 seconds . Thats not how you act in a moment of silence. Like, literally the instructions for what to do are spelled out in the thing itself. But this wasnt an isolated incident. N. F. L. Fans paying tribute to the victims of the paris attacks on sunday. Green bay packers Aaron Rodgers expressed disappointment in one fans decision to shout an antimuslim slur during a moment of silence. Larry this is very disappointing. You could at least do what everyone else in the midwest does smile politely and think horrible slurs. I mean, really, cheeseheads youre not eagles fans. Sorry. I bleep that one up. I apologize for that. See, its funnier the second time. laughter and by the way, this was the most offensive thing associated with the n. F. L. In days. laughter larry yeah, let that one marinate. But sportsbased moment of silence breaches are not just an american pasttime. During a soccer game between greece and turkey, this happened. Thats what you think you are hearing boos. Boos from the crowd during a moment of silence for paris. Larry look, that seems bad, but in turkey, booing is actually a sign of respect. Snow, im just bleep with you. Theyre assholes. So everybody who cant even take a moment of fricking silence can shut their pie holes. Shut your pie holes , man. cheers and applause i the new York Islanders. The new York Islanders moved to the heart of brooklyn in october of this year. Ticket sales have been sluggish. I love having a professional sports team in brooklyn. So i want the sports sold to an untapped audience. My hood. What advice do you give to clutter bug . I dont know. Clutter bug, i dont know. I like it, clutter bug did you guys notice the new York Islanders hockey team own the stadium . I didnt know that. How do you get black people interested in hockey . The cheerleaders. Getting in on the ice, skating. Oh, bleep i love it thats how you do that clutter bug thats like an insult. Get out of here, you clutter bug. Clutter buck oh, clutter buck it wont be easy. Before i get him to help my people, there is a thing or two i need to learn about his world. Let me ask you, what is hockey . Its one of the coolest sports out there. Ice is frozen water. Half of us cant swim, you know what im saying. How do you get us to get interested in this . You get to run people through the line. Oh those things there, you get to hit people into that and theres no charges or knotting . No charges. Ops show up . You can get in a fist fight and its a time out. The only sport where you get a time out youre already losing with black people because we beat our kids. Show me how you do it. Lets go. You have pads waiting for you. Put your shin pads on. Pretty selfexplanatory. Youre a smart ass. Ddo you need me to do that . No, i can do my laces. You just not necessary. Do you see that . Oh, service now. There you go. Im nervous. Should be. Youre like a dead man walking now. Thats what i feel like. Let me tell you, i grew up in East New York in brooklyn during the height of the crack epidemic and that does not scare me as much as this ice scares the bleep out of me, yall youre the stereo typical trash talker. Hey bleep why are you calling me that . Im not saying youre cheating because im beating you at your own sport. On your mark, get set, go ha ha ha i got em likely . Really . bleep . bleep . Can we get a goalie . Do it. Thats my boss, larry wilmore. Why did you cut that piece i was in last week . Ow oh, sorry, larry sorry wheres my stick, larry . Oh its like a gunshot oh, my gosh oh bleep now that ive held up my end of the bargain, he has to hold up his. I took him to East New York to get a haircut at my childhood barbershop. Im sorry its overcast but the sun comes out here last. Youre in my barbershop. Welcome. I get my air cuts every couple of months. Every couple of months . Yeah. See my man . You shouldnt take it all off. I heard you were a hockey fan. I was a hockey fan, now im moving to brooklyn. Is that when they told you we were shooting here . No laughter look at yourself. Is that the cleanest muzzie around here . Whats that . A mustache. We just call ate mustache. Hat do they need for you to become a hockey fan . Just win brooklyn loves you cal. Sign my shirt. Whats his name . Cal, cal c uckelbuck. Its clutterbuck brooklyn welcomes you larry mike yard and the new York Islanders, everybody well be right back when you unwrap the triple treat box from pizza hut, itll turn any night, into a holiday night. Two pizzas . can we keep him . oooo breadsticks and a cookie ohh jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way. Can we keep him . Introducing the triple treat box. 2 medium pizzas, breadsticks and a hersheys cookie. Unwrap this incredible box at an incredible price just 19. 99. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh. Only at pizza hut. I thought we were watching the game . sorry, boltons over. And i shall rise, oh well i shall rise, again and again. Happy holidays switch to Cricket Wireless and for a limited time, choose from four smartphones, now free after mailin rebate cricket visa promotion card. And get more 4g lte coverage nationwide than tmobile or sprint. Woohoo only from the merrier carrier. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. cheers and applause larry welcome back im here with my panel. The nightly show contributor mike yard. Er cheers and applause the nightly show contributor holly walker. cheers and applause and hes the host of sway in the morning on sirius xm radio and an mtv legend, sway calloway. cheers and applause and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter at the nightly show using the hashtag tonightly. Thanksgiving is coming up next week, so we thought wed talk about it. First of all, i want you to know this is true what we talked about the Patti Labelle sweet potato pie. Its all true. So i thought we would have a little pie. Wow thank you applause larry okay. I guess we should say grace Patti Labelle first, everybody. Okay. Larry voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir. Ce soir applause do you want to really eat this . I don larry i dont knowe was thinking about. I know were an overweight country bop does anybody feel guilty eating so much on thanksgiving . Hell, no. You got it. Youre almost obligated to eat for those who cant eat. Larry are you going to have the news with girn refugees on your the news with Syrian Refugees on your tv . Americans never feel guilty about your food. We have all you can east restaurants and they literally go and eat well eat while were watc watching a commercial about people who dont have food. We dont stop. The feed the children commercial, you dont stop. Youre like, o, thats bleep tough. applause wow. I actually do feel bad. Larry but you keep eating . But because i feel bad, i eat a little more to make myself feel better, then feel bad again, eat a little more. Its a vicious cycle. Its horrible. I feel bad. Then i use the bathroom and im good. laughter larry there are so many starving people. Hold on, you guys. Ill be right back. bleep . You got to relieve it, man. Larry what are the appropriate clothes to wear thanksgiving. Should you wear something elastic or just say bleep it, im wearing sweats and i dont care . You have to have room. It depends. If its a family you dont know, like if youre going to a friends house and youre not sure whats going on, you should make sure your pockets are waterproof so you can get rid of what you dont like and stick it in your pockets. Larry have you done that . No, i havent. I have been cool with most of the people i have been going to their houses. But if i go to a place i know its going to be fantastic, i put zip lock baggies in my purse. Larry you take it home . Yes. applause thats a true story . True. And it works in buffets, too. Larry i had a party years ago we were in p. J. S, and somebody gave me a bottle of pine with p. J. S on it. I said, bleep , what did you do with my bottle of wine . Im, like, im sorry it had my name on it. Go naked. Larry you go naked . Yeah. No restrictions, man. Reach my full eating potential. Im not inviting you. Larry whats your advice for dealing with observe noxious relatives . You know i work in radio so i know how to get in and out of breaks, for somebody whos obnoxious, i get in and out of the room, you dont deal with it. Larry how do you do that . You leave the room, larry. Dont gotta hang in there. Theyll be there all night an. Larry whats your subjec, politics, reling, personal life . I can deal with politics and religion. Personal lives with family, i dont like dealing with that a lot because it usually turns into a money issue and then larry somebody was asking about keeping it 100 all the time. You cant talking about that. Yeah. Larry as soon as you talk about money, whose pocket is it coming out. Im scared of the list, the christmas list, thats on thanksgiving. The kids come, they know im on tv, im scared. They think im making more than i have. I find if i eat two cans of baked beans for thanksgiving breakfast, people dont stay around me for thanksgiving dinner. Thats the only time i get a table all to myself. I think im that obnoxious dude. Larry really . Yeah, because im saying happy beginning of the indians day. Larry oh im sorry. Am i lying . Larry you tier buzz kill. I am larry are you into the black friday . Theyre starting black friday earlier, like on thanksgiving. Do you have a problem with that . I do have a problem. My familys from oakland so i fly every year to the bay area to see my family, but because of black friday you have a lot of family members who are shopping, so you dont really get to see the family members. Larry they want some discounts. I was one to have the people, remember black friday after ferguson and what happened to Michael Brown . I was one of those people. I dont really give a damn about black friday. I dont either applause too much consumption in the world now. I would rather the stores be closed. Then silver saturday, you get the discount. Right. I dont do any of it. I shop in the hood. I prefer crackhead prices. Everything is 5 for crackhead. You can see a crackhead with a boat. Youre, like, how much is the boat . 5. Im a crackhead. Thats the price. Blackout friday. Right. laughter larry, every friday is black friday for me, because im black, larry. applause laughter i didnt notice. Larry well be back to continue this discussion. cheers and applause other wireless carriers make families share data. Some way to say happy holidays. Switch to tmobile now and get 4 lines with up to 6gb each, and no sharing. Just 30 bucks a line. Thats 6gb each plus unlimited streaming with binge on. Stream netflix, hbo now, hulu, and many more without using data. Get 6gb each just 30 bucks a line, plus free video streaming. Ditch your data worries with tmobile. Hgoogle voice response t inachim sigsa. How long does milk last . Google voice; one week after the sellby date. How much vitamin c is. Is in an orange . Set timer for twelve minutes. Google voice ok, twelve minutes. Where can we find donuts around here . Coffee . What about crepes . How about a bagel . What is the most important meal of the day . Google voice breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. cheers and applause larry welcome back. Im here with my panel, and its time for the segment we like to call keep it 100. Mmhmm. For all you people who dont know what that expression means, it means keep it 100 percent real. All right. Everybody gets the same question. Thanksgiving theme. Well start with you. Me . Larry you. Okay. Larry got to keep it 100. If you dont, you get weak tea which might go well with your Patti Labelle pie. An army of turkey zombies invade your house for thanksgiving, and they will leave, but you have to pick someone to sacrifice. Oh, wow. Larry now this is an actual question. We dont know who this person is but you have to name somebody from your family. Ooh, bleep larry who you give up to sacrifice. And everybody else gets a beautiful thanksgiving. Somebodys gotta go, sway. Wow larry got to keep it 100, right . cheers and applause there is no alternative to keeping it 100 . The alternative is some weak tea wow. Man. You know, the family takes this stuff personally, bro. You know, i say it, man, they. Larry they do. Seems like youre struggling. laughter im from oakland. Give me the tea, man. Oh, yi, yi. Whats the question again . . Everybody knows who im going to pick anyway, my brother. I dont like him. Larry holly, one person, whor,who youre going to sacri . Uncle alan, im sorry, you have to go. Larry you hate your uncle alan . I dont hate him. Let me be clear, i do not hate him, but if were going to sacrifice someone larry how old is he . Oh, hes like 78, 80. Hes had a nice, long life. Thats a cop out. And i probably wont see him for another year or so, so i can probably get away with it. Just a little bit smidgen . Larry because youre not going to see him that much. Ive got an answer now. Larry okay, go. Mike, you gave me some insight. Ill say my brother, terry calloway. Hes my older brother. I said it only so i could mention his name on your show cheers and applause laughter larry well be right back larry well be right back cheers and applause ivewhoa whoa whoa. All day for this. Ive been waiting since 8 to watch this. I got to the couch first. I was living here before you. I was born before you. Boom. I was on the planet before you. Scoot i was born before both of you. Oh. Smosh. And epic rap battles together. I had my dad id eat a piece of bark if youd put sabra hummus on it. Really sabra hummus. Made with simple, fresh ingredients that bring people together. You know what it would really be good on . Meat sabra. Spread the world. Ono offdays, or downtime. Ason. Opportunity is everything you make of it. This winter, take advantage of our seasons best offers on the latest generation of cadillacs. The 2016 cadillac ats. Get this lowmileage lease from around 269 per month, or purchase with 0 apr financing. And i shall rise, oh well i shall rise, again and again. cheers and applause larry thats our show i want to thank our guests mike yard, holly walker and sway calloway. Stay tuned for midnight with chris hardwick. Goodnightly, everyone cheers and applause krrs its 11 59, and 59 second, this happened on mashable, buying a smartphone is such a hassle, you have to buy everything separately, a charger, an extra bat rear and the dildo attachment anded car charger. The car charger should come with it. A Company Called ii vieb solved a problem with a cell phone case that turns your iphone into an ibrator. Yup. There it is. I guess an Airplane Mode its just a butt plug. laughter i dont know what else youre supposed to do with