Their own k5usz. Iggy azalea in a protest movement. This is the nightly show, lets do this. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central larry thank you very much. Welcome to the nightly show. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. That is so nice. I have to explain to our audience at home, larry larry. I have to tell you, each and every one, each and every member of our studio audience gets to sit in this chair before the show. [laughter] it fires them up. And they cant help it, they go back and go larry, larry. I dont know what it is. Starts from the butt, works its way up. Tonight its very important. Tonight i want to talk about a statistic thats come up. Its very worrisome. According to one vote 58 of americans now think theres a war on police. Now look ive talked about what i saw were abuses by the Police Department on this show. Ive talked a lot about that. I have Law Enforcement in my family so this is very concerning to me. But then i saw this. 2015 is to be one of the tolls of officers gunned down in the line of duty in the last 25 years. Okay. Well yes. I guess it turns out that the real truth is 2015 is shaping to be one of the safest years for police ever. And not many this dying in lower numbers but theyre also being attacked less. Well wait a minute, that doesnt make sense. So overall, attack on police are way down yet the perceptions of the American People of the attacks on police are way up. Okay, you may be wondering on you that happens. The answer . Magic. [laughter] and the magician . Fox news. [laughter] [applause] as many of you know, im a magician. Thank you very much. The nightly show, very nice. Now lets just say for demonstration purposes i show you one card, okay. I cover it. That card is what, the two of diamonds, right. I just lift up my hand and now it looks different. Now normally youd be a little suspicious but not if theres nothing to see. Okay . [applause] yes. Now hes good. Okay im going to break the ma cisions code im going to show you how to do that trick. I shouldnt tell you but im going to tell you guys. This is important. Im magic. Fox on the other hand doesnt use magic, they just use good old fashion trickeration. How about if fox is into something that is. You like that . Very good, very good. Okay. First take the [bleep] the sheriff mike louis says the recent awe lukes on the trends Law Enforcement officers around the country are under siege. I infer seen it like this. This is scary scary time for Law Enforcement in this country it truly is. Larry now he doesnt mean really scary like the police are doing with a lot of creaky doors and nursery rhymes. Theyre not creeped out, theyre scared and theyre scared because youre scaring them. Okay. We dont take your [bleep] to the next level by taking it to the highest honor, official war status. My commissioner predicting dire consequences from what he sees as a war on cops. There is a war on cops. Whats fueling this war on cop. This is a war on cops. War on police. The war on police. War on police. Isnt it Obvious Police have a big part of that on their back. Larry fox is going all in on this. I didnt think that was as excited since theyve been to the bronze. Thats very exciting, very exciting. Okay. But now heres the thing. The awr audiencing hooked. In magic we call that the no we dont. That movie [bleep] really didnt. Giving us a false premise, they abandoned by giving it their highest designation of waro the next thing is they bring out an expert to support it, a foxpert if you will. Enter the sheriff from earlier. I think its plete lac complf oiblgability. Two or three 00 in the morning the kids are up week nights swatching snacks out of bags on the so fawz whil sofas while ths are out on the streets. Larry parents on the street. Kids up all night. Snack bags. What is he talking about here. Are you telling me im a little confused. Could you clarify your language. You got a certain segment of society that are very defiant. Larry mmmm. 13 segment. I tell you ill give you the benefit of the doubt. When you say that segment is responsible for the war on cops this is what you use in murder town right. Hate Law Enforcement. This plaques lives Matter Movement has you are pension waited the balance we perpetuated the balance we see here lately. Larry there it is. The trick is they say black lives on matter on the war of cops that doesnt actually exist. [laughter]. Larry now, right. This is where it gets good. Now that fox has established that the fake war on cops is the fault of black lives matter that now is a reality. We dont question it 67 for the for the blm Movement Helps fox. Thank you for fox news. Like any movement hes not perfect. Chance like this from the black lives matter march this month in minnesota. Larry okay. Petitions ipigs in a blanket. This is horrible. Number one you should never never imply any kind of violence should be done to cops. Their job is hard enough already and number two, please me dont drag bacon into this, okay. Please. [laughter] bacon didnt do anything to anybody except being the most awesome thing on earth, all right. Now obviously this is a small isolated incident in another piece of the movement. But take away from that one moment that you keep saying over and over and over. Its okay to go ahead and kill cops. Pigs in a blanket fry my bacon is that unclear to you. Those are their words. Larry okay. Now. Im not a spokesperson for black lives matter but im pretty sure their gender is just to get police to stop shooting unarmed black people. I mean the fact that we even need that movement is insane. The fact youre trying to pass those changes to war on cops is even more insane. Whats the magic trip in reality its a little different. Right wing politicians can make points like this. The rhetoric and vilification of Law Enforcement of the police thats coming from the top, coming from the president of the united states. What i can tell you this is an example of the obama administration. Could you elaborate on president obama has played a role in the murder of Police Officers . I think its absence of leadership. Larry obama . Youre really blaming this on obama . Get the [bleep] really . I mean. [crowd cheering] i dont believe it. I mean i have to tell you guys someone who loves evolution i despised to talking to [laughter] its really good. I want to tap into it. He tblawz thi knows this bleep. I know what that music means. My favorite game show. How sad is it. It looks like he wownt wants [b] treat every in our studio tonight. Hold on to your seat everybody. There you go. You get one, everybody gets one. There you go. No matter how many times fox news repeats it. [laughter] no matter how many times fox news repeats the words war on cops, remember its not a thing. Its an illusion. Its a misdirection intended to weaken the growing civil rights movement. Let me just say as a blackman coming from a Law Enforcement family who is also an addition, im tackling all the 3w5sz here. I very much bases here i very much want cops to stay safe and you know alive. You know alive. Well be right back. All of our legendary racing heritage. You know alive. Well be right back. All of our pioneering four wheel drive experience. Come together in one amazing new vehicle. This is the allnew gle coupe. A mercedesbenz suv with the heart and soul of a race car. Weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets are stacked with bacon, sweet these 100bourbon sauce, and apparently my moms fave, spicy sriracha sauce. Eat it, dont tweet it mom. Dennys big burger bash, with burgers starting at 6. 99 its time to cut the cord with your refrigerator. With portable coffeemate 2 go. A couple of sqeezes gives you big flavor with no need to refrigerate. Coffeemate 2 go. In the coffee aisle. Peter hit me in the nose with a football. Marcia, what happened . Now sweetheart. Shut up marcia, eat a snickers®. Why . You get a little hostile when youre hungry. Better . Better. Marcia, marcia, marcia. Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. Okay. Welcome back. Im here with my panel nightly show contributor very funny man, jordan carlos. Also very funny comedy one happy to have her back, chloe hilliard. And his new novel is called two years, eight months and 28 nights someone who the hasnt been on the shown for a long time is author sale ma salman r. We talked about kim davis went back to work but she is still not authorize gay marriages licenses. She says it will be issued by a federal court order. Now mr. Rushdie, as someone who has dealt with this extremism. Yes, you. I heard that you dealt with i admit it. Larry are her religious liberties being attacked. Oh my. First of all i have to say her minutes are up. [crowd cheering] look. Theres this little thing in america called the First Amendment and the First Amendment is equal the First Amendment defends religious freedom. The second half of the First Amendment defends free expression. Theyre in the same amendment. What it doesnt mean though if you do have religious feelings nobody else can criticize them. It doesnt mean that. Youre not being oppressed when somebody says youre a dick. [laughter] we dont have the amendment to the constitution right now. That means the government cant throw you in jail for worshipping as you wish. The constitution is only like what four pages long. Why does no one read it . Shorter than the bible. I think you should have religious freedom. You can pray to any gods you want and i have the right to say that youre crazy. Yes. You can believe it. You want to believe made of cheese. Are you telling me its not. Im telling you if you think so youre a fool. All right, all right. When youre talking about working in a place of business really because we all praise the almighty dollar and i dont remember god taking visas. Well im a little suspicious about the whole thing. If this is a mu muslim person ad she says according to sharia law, shes believing in the same kind. According to sharia law she would be married to her first husband and not allowed to work. [crowd cheering] i love your hypothetical but that wouldnt necessitate the people of kentucky electing a muslim. Come on, it would be like an obama secret muslim. Right. Obama secret must lump. I think we can safely blame obama. Absolutely. I grew up in a very religious pec pentecostal, speaking in lungs tongues, fallg down. Did you see that. Of course, people falling out. Very interesting. Yes, very interesting. Part of it is watching people speaking in tongues. To me jesus can hang out with mary magdalen. Who am i to judge. Was this the gnostic god. Lets not forget. Its a big discoming to dise coming to america from england. Religion is a personally. When tony blair was Prime Minister he was very religious. His doctrine worked really hard for ten years to persuade everybody he wasnt. Right. Because if he was religious he would have lost election. You know. And his chief said we dont do religions here. So you didnt come here. You see mike hurricane katrinaal be anhurricane huc. When it starts exposing these types of beliefs, arent devils going to hell would have you believe the worst of those type. I would like to believe that religion is outdated. For me it was outdated several thousand years ago. Youre an atheist, right. [applause] people dont realize new testament is a lot of crazy stuff than the old testmented and we need to update it now so people can have gay marriage and men can keep their foreskin and not have to worry about it. Speaking in tongues and doing that. We update our tongues like every couple months. Do you think its fair to compare this to the civil rights struggle . Do you think thats fair. With this kim davis to the civil rights struggle. I will say it for you, hell no. I think struggle for gay rights and struggle civil rights its still a struggle. I know plenty of black people who are gay and gay people who are black. I know that gaze dont happen to be black but black guys happen to be gays. Im black [applause] the wording. People want to make kim davis into being a martyr. Hes not at the front of the line, its some wont doesnt want to sign her name. The bible says she can repent so she can sign her name, do a hale hear anhale hail mary and har day. Shes going to make a fortune. Repent to the church first. Thats going to be a book deal. Shes going to become a star of her rights. Where is she going to be a pundit of. [applause] larry all right, well be larry all right, well be right back. Weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets are stacked with bacon, sweet these 100bourbon sauce, and apparently my moms fave, spicy sriracha sauce. Eat it, dont tweet it mom. Dennys big burger bash, with burgers starting at 6. 99 now thats a full weekend. Join in and guess the five stops they made by tweeting altimaweekendcontest for a chance to win your own weekend adventure car radio with our monday morning traffic report. Hey i like your ride. I just wanted to let you know. You can save a ton by switching to progressive, just like squirrel here. We offer great discounts, like responsible rider, paid in full, and homeowners. Making us number one in motorcycle insurance. Isnt this romantic. It was. Going the distance to save you more. Now, thats progressive. Its time to cut the cord with your refrigerator. With portable coffeemate 2 go. A couple of sqeezes gives you big flavor with no need to refrigerate. Coffeemate 2 go. In the coffee aisle. [crowd cheering] im very excited tonight. Its a segment called keep it under 100. If you dont know what that expression means it means keep it 100 real. Im with you. Larry keep it 100 real. If not firms question for you is you got to keep it a hundred. Ill do my best. Youre an atheist. I am. Larry people who believe in god arent as smart as people who dont. In my opinion . Larry in your opinion judicial that would be correct. [laughter] good enough getting out of the religious very good. Thats how the games played. Cool. God is speaking to you directly. Hes getting rid of every religion except one. You peck th pick the one that s. Which one do you keep. Whichever allows sex before marriage. [cheers and applause] larry all right, jordan. You have a beautiful little girl. Your daughters just turned 18. Were Going Forward in time. Shes probably in love with the more must not religion and has met a super religious mormon man and going to marry him and become his fourth wife. Youre such a good dad, are you going to let that happen. Theres no way im going to let that happen at all. Not at all, no, no. No way. Larry youll break ill break madonnas heart, ill break that guys bones. I got to give him 100. No, no, what are you doing. Larry all right, well be larry all right, well be right back. Weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets its from virtually anywhere. Rn of danger its been smashed, dropped and driven. Its perceptive enough to detect other vehicles on the road. Its been shaken, rattled and pummeled. Its innovative enough to brake by itself, park itself and help you steer. Its been in the rain. The cold. And dragged through the mud. Introducing the allnew mercedesbenz gle. Its where brains meet brawn. Its time to cut the cord with your refrigerator. With portable coffeemate 2 go. A couple of sqeezes gives you big flavor with no need to refrigerate. Coffeemate 2 go. In the coffee aisle. Are stacked with bacon, sweet these 100bourbon sauce, and apparently my moms fave, spicy sriracha sauce. Eat it, dont tweet it mom. Dennys big burger bash, with burgers starting at 6. 99 but first, we have a very special guest. Come on out, flo [house band playing] you have anything to say to flo . Nah, ill just let the results do the talking. [crowd booing] well, he can do that. We show our progressive direct rate and the rates of our competitors even if progressive isnt the lowest. It looks like progressive is not the lowest ohhhh when we return, well find out whether doug is the father. Wait, what . I thought we agreed ito share him . So thats what you meant by dessert the 5 truth or dare challenge is back. Are you game . Get rto be obsessed. Sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. With no artificial flavors or colors. New from sweetarts. Wanna get roped in . Larry i want to thank our panelists. Panelists. Jordan carlos, chloe hail yard les im goin down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation les goin down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy, neighbor les headin on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind kenny [muffled singing]
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