Mira, muchos drunken gringos sera en las calles esta noche. Pero no te preocupes, solo estan divirtiendose. No se dan cuenta que Cinco De Mayo no es tu dia de la independencia. Ellos piensan que estan celebrando su libertad. Su libertad. laughter reirse de ellos en la cara y hacerlos comprar usted bebidas gratis. Feliz Cinco De Mayo cheers and applause no spanglish. No spanglish. People watching are like hes completely bleep . Anyhow, lets see how people are celebrating this sighting ethnic festival. Flip on a sombrero. Its time to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. Cinco de mayo Cinco De Mayo Cinco De Mayo this is jetblues promotion celebrating cinco de flyo. This is why we call it cinco de drinko. laughter . Larry people just because something rhymes doesnt mean that its clever. Thats why i dont go around saying nut butt and expecting people to laugh. laughter actually, thats a bad example. That is hilarious. But this is the day to celebrate. Oh, okay but not all the news is good for the latino community. I read this thing and i couldnt believe it, you guys. Did you know a recently aflcio report shows u. S. Latino workers are 18 more likely to be killed on the job than workers of any other Racial Ethnic Group 18 , you guys. That is messed. You i dont even know what that is about. I dont know how they fig outer a number like that. Iment to talk about the employers because these are the people responsible for that. How do these ploirs put their employees into such unsafe conditions. Its absolutely appal whats that noise . Whats going on. The lights are sparking. Sorry. That everyone. Hey, ricky. Ricky velez, can you come out here . Whats up, larry. Larry ricky velez everyone. applause can you do me a favor and check out those wires on the shelf. Im on. Larry theres a little arcing and it doesnt seem safe. As i was saying we have to pass regulations in industry like construction arrgghh i fixed it. Larry oh thanks ricky. Appreciate it. Happy Cinco De Mayo boss. Larry you, too, man have a happy Cinco De Mayo. Ricky velez everybody. Hes so nice. applause hes just so helpful. All right anyway, moving on to our top story. A little nastiness went down in texas the other day. Police say two gunmen were shot dead after they opened fire outside a Community Center near dallas last night. Larry whoa, Community Center. What was going on there . The the center of hosting an art show featuring cartoons depicting the prophet muhammad. Larry no, no, no no no, no. laughter no. No. This is not a good idea. Showing images of the frof is considered blasphemous by the islamic state. Its the type of thing that led to januarys violent Charlie Hebdo attack. So what happened . Did did anyone else get hurt . All the chaos erupted last night when the suspects apbushed Security Officer bruce joyner who was unarmed. He was outside the event. He got shot in the ankle. Larry shot in the ankle, all right, sounds like he will wait dhe say the Security Guard of unarmed . You mean to tell me the only people in texas who didnt carry guns are Security Guards . laughter applause its texas and, of course, fox news took this opportunity to put words in everybodys mouth. Thank goodness for the garland police. Un people say that we dont need police in america. Skews me. Thats insanity. Larry who said that . No laughter no one said we dont need the police. We said we dont need the police to shoot unarmed black men. laughter applause . cheers finish the sentence. Finish sentence. Thats all im asking. All right, anyhow. The lady behind this Pamela Geller. If you dont know who she is, she wrote the book on islamic hate. No really, she wrote a book on islamic hate. Its called stop the islamization of america. Yeah, stop it, islamizizers. All your islamizing this, and islamizing that. I was talking down the street the other day and people were just islamizizing some random bleep pup know what i said . I said hey man, stop it you cant be islamizing like that. And by the way, when i say islamizing, im not talking about the islamic exercise craze of the late 80s. You guys remember that . You had to like work out five times a day. That was horrible. Horrible cheers and applause man. All my squats i had to be facing east. laughter i was happy when that ended. So thats who she is, okay. Let me tell you when it comes to spouting craycray, Pamela Geller takes the caycay. This is really, i think, the the battle between freedom and slavery. Larry mmmm, we already had that battle. laughter it was called the civil war. All right what else you got . Who would decide whats good and whats forbidden these arbitrary voice. Controversial and controversial and controversial and controversial. Shooting people. But free speech is controversial. Well, no no shooting people is horrific. laughter . Larry you just got tapperd. Nice move jay. You know another thing thats horrific Pamela Geller . Intentionally putting innocent unarmed Security Guard in danger so you can make some bold bleep speech argument. Whatever. I just dont take it seriously. New york congressman peter king, per us, was not helping the situation. Im not aware of the particulars of this case otherwise than what has been made known to now but i do believe in having more surveillance of the people in the Muslim Community because thats where the threat comes from. Larry no we should not have more surveillance of the Muslim Community. By the way i have to give you credit for being so bold in your assholerthanthouness. Youre not aware of the particularrers of this case but you call for more surveillance of muslims . Oh, my god. I dont know the particulars about how your brain works but im officially calling for more surveillance of every law you bleep proposed. applause look make no miit is absolutely unequivocally wrong to shoot people who do things that offend you. But two things can be wrong at the exact same time. Even if Pamela Gellers argument about free speech is valid she can still abe dick. Well be right back. cheers and applause grilled sourdough, fresh tomato and crispy bacon bring the flavor. And srirachamarinated chicken brings the heat. Lucky for this guy this swiss cheese doubles as a fire blanket. New sriracha spicy super chickn. Dennys. Welcome to americas diner. Crunchd is cheezits first ever puffed up crunch made with 100 real cheese. And its the first time. [cheese] laughing ice bank mice elf. [cheese] because youve been a bad, bad boy. We take the time for our cheese to mature in our new cheezit crunchd. Lilly baker is preparing for college. Shell use that education to get a job. 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Discover brookside crunchy clusters. cheers and applause . Larry welcome back. An,000 cops in pawment were charged on fridays, i gotta say ive been feeling pretty good. Everything solved right we did it, right . applause these black lives weve been thinking of theyre now doing the mattering . laughter not quite. The family of a boy killed by police in cleveland five months ago is demanding answers. Tamir rice was shot and killed last november while carrying a toy gun. Larry okay, this story has not gone away. Tamir rice you may have heard of this, a few months ago was killed while he was playing in a park, and it was all captured on video, but its been five months and his family isnt any closer to getting justice. No one has been charged no one has been held accountable tamirs mother hasnt been able to bury her son and has reportedly moved into a homes shelter. Larry i dont even know what to say. Im furious right now. I mean they wont even let her bury the poor child. I mean if only there was a way to make our anger known and i dont know, force cleveland authorities into action. Just hmmm. Think, what could we why did things move so fast in baltimore . No justice no peace no justice no peace no justice no peace no justice no peace larry okay. All right. laughter i dont know, maybe we need to okay wait before i go any further with this, the thrust of which is just maybe cleveland needs continuous baltimorestyle protest have to do a little ass covering. So lets pop this up. Okay . laughter just cover my ass. Cover my ass. And lease you know what . Lets have someone from Comedy Central legal come out and stand over my shoulder, if you could Comedy Central there. Thank you. laughter applause you know what we ought to do . This is kind of dangerous, so we should slash the terms and conditions of this bit before we start. Good. Good. Its true. Its true. I really that last one i really believe that last paragraph. Another great. Resume comedy bit. Now, look, i tonight know about you guys, but i got some message from baltimore loud and clear. Only way we have a chance of getting cops charged in tamir rices border is an army of Marilyn Mosbys all over the country. cheers and applause im just saying, this family needs justice and the authorities will do everything they can to cover up their own like im sure the thrrtz doing everything they can to bring about a resolution. laughter but it might be time to remind them that theyve had plenty of time to pring bring charges, okay. The thing we have to keep hammering home, you guys is no justice no peace. Im not necessarily saying look, let me put it like this. If we want to get justice here, we have to get loud what, what, what . , of course. Justice and peace, of course, theyre not mutually exclusive. laughter the only way anyone listens is if the fight spills out into the streets yall, you be what im. cheers and applause what . Or or, or if youd rather feel free to protest inside your home. laughter start a hashtag . Send a strongly worded email to your local representative. Convenience is never the answer. Okay. laughter but people need to get ther voices heard somehow. And, look, maybe sometimes that takes the form of anger. And you know when that anger what okay, hows this . That family needs justice and we cannot let that story fade away. Is that okay . Is that okay . All right keeper cheaper look let me put it like this. Marilyn mosby may have brought charges against those cops in baltimore. Some say she may have acted too swiftly. The details are still coming out as of this moment but it department seem like anything happened until people got out on the streets. It should not be this way but its not surprising. The message were still getting is nobody pays attention until you get a little angry. Well im angry as hell about what happened to tamir rice. And i hope youre paying attention. Well be right back. cheers and applause let mom shine. Now through mothers day save 30 percent off dazzling gifts shell love. At zales. The diamond store. At subway, a great meal starts with a great sandwich on the new simple 6 menu. With six of our best sixinch subs, like the tender turkey breast plus any bag of chips and a 21ounce drink for just 6 every day. [car engine] [car engine] introducing the firstever 306horsepower lexus rc coupe with available allwheel drive. Once driven, theres no going back. Go get help, boy. Go get help. Go get help right now if youre a cat, you ignore people. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance you switch to geico. Its what you do. Go on kitty, kitty. cheers and applause . Larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. Our own the nightly show contributor, shemaz treasury. Comedian and host of the the Dean Obeidallah show on sirius xm Dean Obeidallah. And joining us once began, the very funny, breaking bad man, comedian lavell crawford. So i want to talk about this shooting in garland texas, that happened no, dean, youre awe muslim, right . Yes. Yeah larry a shoutout, very good very good. Based on what happened in texas im going to show you a picture of muhammad, okay . Hold me back. Larry and i just want to know if this is offensive to you okay. Sure. Larry all right, there gu. laughter applause nohamid ali. Its not that bad everybody. Is it oh this isnt is it. I find all his pictures offensive, by the way. Thats great artwork. And lets be honest, honestly its free speech. On some level what Pamela Geller is about is hate speech. Overwhelmingly the community did not care. They ignored the event. If you want to piss us off, dont let us haggle at the stores over prices. It was 20 bucks she said ill give you 15. She said, this is macys sir. The cartoon piss off a few fringe people but overall, especially american muslims we have more things to worry about. Larry one thing i wasnt cool with. We talked about the Security Guard. He wasnt a person participate but he could have been killed. Absolutely. Larry do you think there should be charges against intentional sorts of things. I think she should be punished. And i think you should tattoo a painting of muhammad on her back, and send her to afghanistan. Just pannish her to afghanistan. Larry tell us how you really feel. Have you ever had a joke in your act which calls for violent paver from people . Yes, yes, i said something about a guys wife, and he threw a slice of lemon at me. Larry seriously a slice of lemon. Yes, he threw the lemon and some brothers, you dog he threw a lemon at you the security beat the hell out of him and threw him out. laughter . Larry this is crazy. That happened in d. C. The other day that some of you might have missed. Can we show this . Inside a popular tourist spot, thats a loaded gun there, a glork left behind in a bathroom by a Security Guard. Larry a Security Guard leaving his gun in the bathroom. I mean, this is insane. First of all, i kind of understand the Security Guard. How you gonna how you gonna do your business and snapped chat at the same time. Larry, i think thats why women are on top of the evolution chain. We can text while we pea. Apply makeul while we pea . Right, girls . Right . We can multitask. And the women in texas can hold two guns while they pea. Larry there are three things in a bathroom, a wallet with 100,000, a load hand gun and a baby. You can only take one. Ill take all three. With money a gun and a baby nobody is stopping me. Turkey bacon, america thats all youre going to be eating after that. Larry which one . First of all i want to know why the baby is in the bath loom . Is it possessed with diaper rash . If its a black baby its good on the market because i can sell it to Angelina Jolie or brad pitt. Im taking the whitest baby, sor prepare you can get a lot from the whitest baby. White babies aint on the market like you think no more. What. A half and half . Half black half white . Larry wait a minute, you have some white babies right now you cant get rid of . Were on national television. You cant shhh its on craigslist. Its all good. Larry okay, all right. Lets go to one more thing. I have to talk about this. Theres this whole thing called dad bods. Have you guys heard of it. Oh yeah. Larry leo dicaprio was photographed recently without his shirt on. Heres where it going to interesting. The internet like, blew bup this. So this term bad bod was made. Theyre like hey, yeah, hes got the body of a dad. Theres leo on his yacht hanging out with hones, everything is cool. But then Kelly Clarkson goes on American Idol and she just had a baby and has a mom body, and everyone is hating on her. Y dont know. I would take that baby. Kelly clarksons baby, ill take that baby. Thats the baby i want. Thats the baby i want larry it has nothing to do with mom bod. Were not doing that. Were talking about dad bods. Okay im not buying that. Sorry dads. Nice try. Its got to be some 50yearold dad, because the idea of i think leo dicaprio could be anybody. He could cross his body with kevin james and rosie odonnell, it does not matter. Hes still leo dicaprio. Remember fit mom last year got attacked for being too fit. Larry woman at work . Woman at work. You are not the one to talk about dad bods. I can talk about dad bods. First of all i am so excited that finally we back in style. cheers and applause yeah, dad bods. Im going to call 24hour fitness and tell them to cancel my membership. Im hot again, baby. applause . Larry all right, maybe we can get over all this, all the profiling, leaving guns dad bods and mom bods. Its all good. Well be right back. cheers and applause and when you bundle your home and Auto Insurance through progressive, youll save a bundle [ laughs ] jamie. Right. Make a bad bundle joke a buck goes in the jar. I guess thats just how the cookie bundles. Now, youre gonna have two bundles of joy im not pregnant. Im gonna go. [ tapping, Cash Register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming it was worth it saving you a bundle when you bundle now, thats progressive. Im really psyched subways bringing the flavor with this new guacamole made from creamy hass avocados. People really love it. Guacamole guacamole guacamole see . Try it on sandwiches like the new chipotle chicken melt with guacamole. Subway. Eat fresh. Let mom shine. Now through mothers day save 30 percent off dazzling gifts shell love. At zales. The diamond store. Marcia, what happened . Peter hit me in the nose with a football. Now sweetheart. Shut up marcia, eat a snickers®. Why . You get a little hostile when youre hungry. Better . Better. Marcia, marcia, marcia. cheers and applause larry okay thats all the time we have for tonight. I want to thank our panelists. Shemaz treasury, lavell crawford, and Dean Obeidallah. cheers and applause guys, dont forget to follow us on twitter and like us on facebook to keep track of everything were doing online. To recap if you find a gun in the meps room turn it into the authorities. If you find a baby turn it in to lavell crawford. Good nightly, everyone captions by vitac
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