Afghan troop levels the amount of money that is being spent there and where its being spent. Jon trap levels your spending levels, your literacy levels hob billpass word your secret phantom. Oh this all just weeks after the president announced with we were ending our combat anything mission in afghanistan. Very suspicious thought we here at the show. laughter a classic case of a governmental or well yan coverup. The reality of a war disappearing into the abyss of bureaucratic symantecs. Obscured by the bold 24 point of a classified stamp. We immediately got to without. Not researching but creating this graphic opening. laughter jon now how wonderfulfully rye. laughter we even had the president of the United States on stap rebutting the very idea of these types of i will use his words, well not really shenanigans. We have secret passwords secret budgets, i will turn the page on a growing empire of classified information and restore the balance weve lost between the necessarily secret and the necessity of openness in a democratic society. Jon classic daily show gotcha. laughter but then tragically senselessly, just one hour before we were to tape he fixed the [bleep] problem. They abruptly reversed its decision to classify denails about the afghan army. You [bleep]. What am i supposed to talk about now . cheers and applause at this stage of the game who is going to serve me up a meatball that i can dig into inn to carry us through the rest of the act. There is a disconnect between people who riff live in the bubble of new york washington and hollywood versus the people who live in the land of the bubbas. Huckabee. Raf laugh. Hes on a book tour. cheers and applause jon so what has ted nugent a favorite bass player and author of god gravy goba ghoul and lady ga gab, what has he been saying. In a business meeting that you might have in the south or in the midwest there in iowa you would not have people who would just throw the f bomb and use gratuitous profanity in a professional setting. In new york not only do the men do it, but the women do it. As we would say in the south thats just trashy. Jon what the . What the . You know what kind of [bleep] [bleep] is this . Women in the south cheers and applause jon a southern lady is a profession of class never even learn such [bleep] foulness. No. The worst thing a southern businesswoman might say is fudge. And then she would probably offer you a plate of fudge. laughter oh wait, unless wait im sorry. Is the n word a curse or is that more just a tradition. Is that but im loving huckabees im just a shocked southern version of buddy the elf in new york. All that was a warmup for his take on men who have governor, you talked about gay marriage. So lets talk about that. And how much your own party has changed. Shouldnt there be room for those who want samesex marriage to be the law of the land. The very fact that i talk about relationships i have with friends with who are gay indicates that im not a person who shuts everybody out around me who disagrees. It is a biblical issue. And its a biblical issue unless you know i get a new version of the scriptures its really not my place to say, okay im just going to evolve. Jon i cant just change with the times. If it means deviating from biblical law. Its why huckabee never mixes fabrics in his clothes or trims his beard or sleeps with another mans lady. It would be wrong. You know its weird, this is a respect intelligent guy, maybe it is me, maybe im not kanl of getting unless someone can make this argument in tolerating samesex couples that i can relate to personal. Its like asking somebody who is jewish to serve bacon wrapped shrimp in their deli. Jon first of all, let me just clarify something. Not all jews own a deli. Some of us applause jon some of us and i say this with respect some of us are lawyers who represent deli owners. laughter but more important that analogy makes no [bleep] sense. No one is forcing you to get metaphorically married to the biblical abomination that is this bacon wrapped shrimp. People are just wanting to be allowed to eat slash marry if themselves but i hear this is about that fundamentalist that if gay marriage becomes the law of the man christian businesses will have to cate gay weddings or tailor their slim suit fitted day suites and maybe they would. But why does in concern for religious Small Businesses only come up around gay. When straight people get married doesnt the bible say they are supposed to be var begins or at least the woman is, thank you bible. Im pretty sure christian Business Owners when the happy couple come to order their kate doesnt go i would love to bake your cake but first a hymen test. laughter unless im wrong after alling biblical law is biblical law. You dont want to he volume of. If you let your guard down on gay marriage who is to stop jews from being forced to serve bacon tainted shrimp. Hey jon. Jon oh my god i cant believe it is lovable regular bacon wrapped shrimpy. applause hey. Jon hey. You dont seem that happy to see me. You kind of looked away. Is that because are you ashamed to be seen with me. Jon no im leap to have you as a friend. I dont need to agree with your life style to be friends with you. You think god doesnt approve of who i am . Jon what . No i just i dont have an opinion. I just go by the bible. Its clear while you are my friend you are a hell bound prime rab wrapped in abomination held together by some sort of tooth pick of sin. Yeah. Jon, did i ask to be a shrimp wrapped in bacon. No, this is how god made me. Jon actually i think it was the guy from the food emporium. The point is, it wasnt my choice. And if you cant accept me for who i am then maybe you were never really my friend. Jon wow. Wow. So unexpectedly emotional bacon wrapped shrimp. Thats right. Jon i had no idea you had that depth of range. I do. Jon just because i think are you going to hell doesnt mean we cant be friends. We cant play applestoapples which by the way makes an eck excellent garn in much i mean youre unclean. Goodbye jon. Jon fine, go, just g maybe you can be best friends with mike huckabee. No, i cant because he doesnt approve of me being gay. laughter jon what . Youre also wow. Youre also youre gay . Oh what, so a shrimp wrapped in bacon cant be gay either . Oh, man buddy, you got a lot of hate in your heart. Jon all right well be right back. Sorry. [car revving] [car revving] [car revving] introducing the first ever 306 horsepower lexus rc coupe. Once driven, theres no going back. announcer dont settle for 4g lte coverage thats smaller or less reliable when only one network is americas largest and most reliable 4g lte network verizon. With xlte, our 4g lte bandwidth has doubled in over 400 cities. And now, save without settling. Get 2 lines with 10gb of data for just 110. Or four lines for just 140. And get a 150 bill credit for each smartphone you switch. Hurry offers end february 4th. Only on verizon. Female vo i actually have a whole lot of unused vacation days, but where am i gonna go . I just dont have the money to travel right now. I usually just go back home to see my parents so i cant exactly go globetrotting. If i had friends to go with id go but i dont want to travel by myself. Someday. Male vo there are no more excuses. Find the hotel you want, and the flight you want, and well find the savings to get you there. richard america, last year, we did not get you your billion back. We got you your billions back so many billions, we started thinking this isnt tax season. This is refund season and nobody gets more of your money back than block guaranteed. Get your billions back america this is a steak . [sighs] lets make this right. Stay low and spread out. [yawns] nicely done. [crunch] cheezy. Thats it. Sprinkle it on top. Enough ah, check please. [clank] jon welcome back. Years ago america had a rivalry with russia. It propelled us to the moon and beyond. Well not beyond but you see my point. We will rise again to the chall weng our new rival china. For years china has been kick our ass economically. Outcompeting us in industry after industry. And now theyre going after the most vital part of the American Economy magic. Thats right. Illusion. Sleight of hand you know, awkward guys doing [bleep] like this. And chinese magic expert eric warns, wait, where did he go . America magicians are no longer number one. I think the audience will see that there will be better magicians from china. What are you telling me is were [bleep]. Yeah, thats right there are other magicians that are better than American Magicians. [bleep] yourself. And china is building a massive new project called magic city, with magic theaters magic schools basically magic everything. I went to alert president of americas most magicist society. Im not scared as you are of someone else creating a magic city. I am very confident that we here in america can hold our own. You are not getting this. Maybe i should explain it to you with a magic trick. Give me a 20. This is americas future. Give me another 20. This ought to be a good trick. applause okay. Now shake your shoes within inside my shoe. Okay. What do you see in there . Nothing. Exactly thats our future. We are [bleep]. China is pirating our magic technology, building an entire magic city and our magical leadership is insufficiently overacting. We have to do something. Presto. So what are we going to do line our Young Magicians up in a darkened warehouse and yell at them . Great idea. So Young American magic nerds, lets see if you have what it takes to win this fight. What have you got . You could say stop go stop. Stop im bored. I changed. Oh you narrated it, is that a magic trick or a ken burns documentary on how america is failing. Pick a card. Thats five. A chinese magician would have no problem with me take five cards. Show me a 19 of clubs. China china. Unbelievable. Why isnt there a bird on my head right now . It was no use, they were abra cainternal. Just bad you know. Lets pick up everything around here and go home. The future of American Magic t is empty you know like this bag. Its completely normal hopelessly empty bag. We just have to move on. That is how you clean up a bag. I done know maybe its time to just accept our faith. We have to accept it and move on. Im here. David copper field the future of magic is fine. David copperfield theater m. G. M. Grand hotel casino, 15 shows a week. Wait, did you just magically appear to plug your show . Come with me. And copperfield pulled the greatest trick of all. He inspired the Young Magicians with a tour of americas magical greatness the history the grandeur grandeur [bleep] this guy just wouldnt shut up about magic. Its crystal clear, the future, nice, you will never flag. Okay, you dont have to do that. Nobody ever said my favorite part of the magic show is when he talked. Sorry about that. And even i picked up a thing or two to share with my new found magical brethren. How i did get all that in my mouth. You put it in. Magic. Its not magic. This is magic. That is how you take stuff out of your mouth. Want you to have a magic off. No, i dont want to have a magic off. See what i did there . I did [bleep] burned my goddamn pants. Well be right back. Keep your spirits high. The calories low. And the bill . Even lower. New cedar grilled lemon chicken with quinoa, just 9. 99. The pub diet only at applebees. There was one distinct day when i got out of the shower and i looked up. I was like woah my hair is thinning it came as kind of a shock. But using rogaine® foam actually worked. My hair looks thicker, fuller, and im feeling much better because of it. Mens rogaine® has definitely made a difference. Welcome to the most social car weve ever designed. The allnew nissan murano. Nissan. Innovation that excites. This is your new wallet. No. Really. You can now use your capital one card with apple pay to buy this that. Or a few pairs of theseall from your iphone 6 instantly. Its easy. Honestly its pretty awesome. And when you have the capital one wallet app you can keep track of all your purchases. See what i mean . Awesome. Whats in your wallet . You pay for you data every month. So why does your carrier take back what you dont use . Its your data. Now at tmobile, all your unused data rolls forward to the next month. And well even get you started with 10gb of free 4g lte data. Chaers plaus. Stephen oh my guest tonight, one of the best hes currently starring on broadway its only a play and a new book called i must say, my life as a humble comedy legend. Please welcome back to the program martin short cheers and applause really . Jon soak it in, very nice. How are you, sir . I love the love. Im good. Jon . Bring me love and i appreciate the love. Jon i think you should. Whats that you got there . Jon its this book that i what . Jon i was reading it today. Its quite good. Wow. Jon you tell, you spin a nice yarn, my friend. Thank you very much jon im very honored that you would read it. Jon well, normally i nap during that time but theres one quote that i will on the back larry david, that i like. What a wonderful book. If only it was about someone else. cheers and applause jon but you know do you are you relaxing, just on a book tour do you get to watch the super bowl, do you get to do anything. The super bowl i dont i dvred it i will watch it in a couple im canadian. We dont care about the super bowl. No we dont. If i wanted to see sweaty 300 pound men run into each other, i would go to walmart. I dont applause i certainly saw the halftime show though. Jon that was nice. Nothing deflated about katy perry. Hey. I never wanted to be a robotic tiger more in my life. Jon was that a pup ed. How did they do i dont know. I thought that was so insanely. Jon at first i thought is are those people under there like in it. Well i dont think it was really a robotic tiger. It wasnt a i think it was a puppet. It wasnt a pupt et. Jon no, its a puppet. I think there were people dressed as legs. Really i do. I think they were carrying katy. Jon here is what i think. You think it was a puppet. Jon i think it was a [bleep] puppet. Thats the biggest puppet puppet how do you one of those puppets. Jon did you see how big the guy was behind it. He had his hands like this. No there were puppeteers with like rakes and they were moving the feet. Because the one time remember when it got up like this. Yeah. Jon i sawness i looked down and there was never guy holding a stick either he was afraid or he was a puppeteer. Well i dont know. I was just looking at katy. I thought she was fantastic. Jon who is that now . Katy perry. Jon i was just looking at the puppet it was real pretty. I know. Youve got to get out more. You have been doing this show how long have you done this show . Jon 83 years. Wow. Jon i started when we first started doing this show i would ride horseback to peoples houses. Really . Jon and tell them in other words, what are you saying its been awhile. Jon its been a long while. I tell you whose life i would like. Who . Jon you have a very tight social network now you have had some tough roads in your life. You really have to read this book. Will you learn more about marty shore. I didnt know any of this. I have known you for 83 no i know any of that. Yeah. Jon where are you from again . Canada. Jon but youre an anomaly in show business, a talented man, dow broadway shows. Dow the comedy. Yet you seem to be a genuinely humane and compassionate and reasonable individual. I didnt care for that part of it. But you in all honesty dont you think that is tremendously overrated that people in comedy are you know narcissistic or just i mean truthfully s there anyone sweeter than you. How about stephen colbert. All your buddies. Dont you think we surround ourselves with people that we like w who are good hearted people. Jon i was just thinking about me. So i didnt hear what you said. Uhhuh. Jon . Yeah. Jon . You have got it you have got it. Jon i completely agree. People always have this idea of like sad clown battling pain. Im just a clown whoses crying on the inside. I dont think thats true. Jon no. An i think that if you are a kind of normal guy who likes to entertain and this is fun. But its not like, you know then you voun yourself with people who are like that. Thats why you and i have never socialized. Jon yeah yeah. cheers and applause jon i thought it was because you didnt live mere knee. I thought it was more a location. No, no im very close to you. I mean, you have seen my show yet no. Jon remember, i got on stage when did you the show. Thats right the other show. Im doing a different show. Jon how many [bleep] shows do i have to go to . laughter you havent been to my show. And for that i thank you you know. No i got your candy gram t was lovely. Jon let me tell you something i have a shoe box filled with the congrat lat other telegrams for all the things you do. Im just shocked. I am saving them up. And im going it to send them to you are you shy . Jon i think i dont like to go out. Im actually not that social. But you, here are the great stories. I would like to continue talking but what are you going to do next another cancel it. cheers and applause jon my story is on the book shelves no you can see martin on broadway in itss only a play. Thats not really telling. I know. Sell it with a little more compassion. Jon its only a play there you go [bell rings] youre not mr. Craig. Yeah, im confused wheres mr. Craig . Well, im sorta mr. Craig. Were both between 35 and 45 years old. We both like to save money on car insurance. And were both really good at teaching people a lesson. Um, lets go. Cool. Sit down alright. Sorta you, isnt you. Only esurance has coveragemyway. It helps make sure you only pay for whats right for you not someone sorta like you. I think i blacked out from fear. Did we ask him where mr. Craig was . We did. Esurance. Backed by allstate. Click or call. Before earning enough cash back from bank of america to help pay for her kids ice time. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time. And 2 back at the grocery store. Even before she got 3 back on gas all with no hoops to jump through. Katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. Thats the comfort of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. [upbeat music] storm warning. Cold front. Severe weather imminent. Original 96 calorie light pilsner tsunami headed directly from milwaukee. Its miller time. How do you turn an idea into Something Real . It takes passion. Innovation. And most importantly an afterparty. The 2015 corolla. Toyota. Lets go places. Jon . Jon that sour show. Lets check in with Larry Wilmore at the nightly show. Larry wilmore. Lar what . Whats the matter. Hey, jon hey. Jon wait, no, no thats trivial stuff i was i was sad about you know income inequality, as it relates to housing policy. Yup, thats all. Jon inequitable subsidy allocations. Well, yeah, why wouldnt i be, jon. I mean why would he pass instead of running, jon it was on the one yard line the one you will be all right larry well see you in a little minute. Thats our show, stay tuned for the night low show. Here it is, your moment of zen. Im hoping the others drop out, leave me by myself. That would be delightful for me. And if that news happens the rest of the next few months i would be delighted. That would be great. Dont hold your b Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org im going down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine [ school bell ringing ] mr. Adler this is shop class. My name is mr. Adler. For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork
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