[cheering and applause] but first, funny story, remember that time we invaded iraq to remove the threat of the worlds most dangerous people using the worlds most dangerous weapons and it turned out the threat wasnt there . Well, good news, the threats there now. [laughter] in some measure due to the destabilizing effect of our intervention. Youll never guess what the people who hyped the original plan would like to do now. We must grapple our best to help iraq meet this threat. It is absolutely essential that we stop isis from gaining this foothold in iraq. We need air power immediately to stop the advance. We have to act. We must act. Jon we must. [laughter] act. If we do, i think youre going to need acting lessons. But i do look forward to you and your friends starring in a new play called a streetcar named were always wrong. [laughter] all right. Listen up. Heres how we do it by the way, iraq isnt the only place that these guys want the play to open. I support putting people in africa. Thats where this war is headed. Chad has been screaming for help from the United States. In libya we can have a influence. Helping the resistance in syria. Whatever the kurds need we should provide them. Help arm the ukrainian people. Jon there is no substitute for American Military sis assistants. In fact, in a blind weapons test, nine out of ten client states prefer weapons from the United States compared to i cant believe its not america. Yes, there is apparently no country republicans will not put under the protection of the United States. Except one. Senate republicans today defeated a 60 billion plan for infrastructure jobs. Senate republicans blocking a bill to renew expired tax breaks. Blocked a 21 billion veterans bill. Blocked an increase in the minimum wage. Blocked the paycheck fairness act. Block unemployment benefits. No is what the American People want. Were the party of hell no. [laughter] jon well, i just want you to know, that sounds like a terrible party. I mean, with will there be dancing and pizza . Hell no. Jon i got an idea. I got an idea. How about not making it harder for people to get food stamps. Hell no. Jon okay. Do you do anything but complain bitterly anymore . Hell no. [laughter] jon if youre a doodie head, say hell no. Hell no. Jon but seriously, they must have. The republicans must have good reasons for blocking every domestic bill that comes across their desks. We cannot afford it. We just dont have the money. Americas going broke. Government is broke. You cant keep spending more money than you have. Jon were spending money willynilly. Did you know were saving up to get a more patriotic statue of liberty. Babam thats what im talking about. You know, there are all kinds of reasons why republicans believe domestic spending is folly. Big government doesnt work. Massive Government Spending, particularly debt spending, is not the solution. Last thing we want do is add to the debt and deficit. The negative consequences of our intentions. Rampant waste, fraud and abuse. We need to make sure our programs encourage work, not dependence. Our policy cannot be to relegate more and more of our citizens to dependence on the government. Jon does out of control Government Spending have the same corrupting effect on nonamericans. The goal in iraq was to help the iraqi people to govern itself. Create real democracy for people who want it. Help afghans begin to build a new democracy, build their economy and provide basic service and expand health care as well as open up schools. And allowing for freedom to spread around the world. Jon basically when we give other countries government assistance, they handle it great. But when we get it ourselves, we [bleeped] it all up. [laughter] why is it you dont seem to care about unintended consequences, waste, fraud and abuse and culture dependency when it comes to the unlimited checkbook for Foreign Military adventures . Of course the war has been costly, but weve been protected from attack here at home. Jon bull [bleeped]. Putting aside the questionable contention that the wars in iraq and afghanistan have kept us safe here at home, you do know terrorism isnt the only thing americans would like to be protected from. The American Society of Civil Engineers gives americas crumbling infrastructure a dplus. The v. A. Says at least 23 people have died waiting for care. 50 million americans living below the federal poverty line. Temperatures could go up by 9 degrees this century, and sea levels could rise an extra 10 to 21 inches. 30 americans die from gun violence in this country every single day. Jon none of it is terrorism, right . Because then wed have do something about it. If there is one man who embodied the ethos of the republican party, id have to say, its our old friend Jeff Sessions of alabama. Never met a war appropriation bill he didnt like. We made a commitment to our troops, and theyre prepared to put their lives at stake for us. I dont think they ought to be the slightest suggestion in any way that were not going to honor that commitment. Who do i make the check out to, sir . Of course, hes not too worried about how its going to work out. So you have faith that the cost of this war in casualties and the cost of like half a trillion dollars of risks in terms of getting people in the world not liking what were doing is fairly obvious is all worth it because if we do fail, things fail, and we come home or we come home and after we come home, it goes back to a military coup. Isnt that danger that we cant change the course of a country if were only going to be there a limited amount of time. I dont believe thats going to happen. Jon no, he doesnt believe it what . [laughter] Unlimited Money to go over there. I dont think anything bads going to happen. Well, how about spending some money on cleaning up the mess you made here at home for the veterans. We need to resist the temptation to create more entitlements and more entitlements, which is one of the reasons that were heading recklessly to a fiscal crisis. But i dont think we should create a blank check, an unlimited Entitlement Program now. Jon go [bleeped] yourself. [cheering and applause] you know what, im worried. Im really worried about the republicans. Their inability to wean themselves off of military intervention. They have a culture of defendantcy, if you, will and i believe its turned them all into warfare queens. I think we need to cut them off for their own good. Well be right back. How can you see yourself in new glasses. Without your glasses . At lenscrafters, our unique camera and screen system lets you compare yourself in four different frames at time. Making sure all your vision choices are clear. Lenscrafters loves eyes if it was, i wouldve iplayed it safe and kept my day job. I got something you need a baby heel. I think you dont know what youre doing. Where is the manager . I couldve tried to be someone im not. Wallywop but wheres the satisfaction in that . Making it big takes hard work. Work work and hard working hydration to keep at it. Thats how i hustle. You think theres an easier way . Dont make me laugh. Vitamins, electrolytes, vitaminwater. Hydrate the hustle. Excuseah yeah no problem where parroller skates. Ase . So you are going to want to palm tree the fish. Keep unicorning until the smiley face at the soccer shoe or is it the saxophone . Sorry. So you are gonna want to clock the saxophone to the second seahorse on your tea pot, then you should be light bulbs. You get all that rubber ducky . Millions of random gummy combinations. Let your random side out with new wonka randoms. Nestle. Good food good life. There was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours jon welcome back. You know, summers here. Schools out. Some kids are off to camp others may be taking a summer job. There might be more opportunities out there than you think. Sam bee reports. Farming, its the backbone of this country, but did you know it benefits workers of all sizes. Children as young as seven are legally working in u. S. Tobacco fields. Yes, according to a loophole in our Agricultural Labor law, our hardworking tykes are free to pick as much tobacco as they want. And for kentucky tobacco farmer and state senator paul hornback, its the best thing for em. Its long days. Its in the heat. Its out there in the sun. Some days it may be 100 degrees, but thats not bad. There are lots of places to get shade to, cool off to, rest for a little while. What would you say to people, this work is too dangerous far 12yearold . Children need to experience things, but not tobacco farming, according to a new report by Human Rights Watch. Theyre pushing for a law to ban the practice. We dont need more laws on the books to try to protect everybody from everything that there is out there. Kids are tougher than we give them credit for . Thats exactly right. When i was a sevenyearold, i was wanting to work. I was wanting to do what the men were doing. He was right. Working on family farm fills me with pride. And no one knows better than these three tobaccopulling scamps who have enjoyed working on a different tobacco farm in North Carolina since they were 12. So tell me about your experiences working on the tobacco farm. Ill start you off. Your grand pappy wakes you up. You get a nice, nutritious breakfast, farm fresh chicken eggs. Maybe the farmers wife brings you a cool drink of lemonade to refresh you. No. Definitely not. Totally the opposite. Really nothing like that. No. Were not the farmers family. Were actually working for the farmer, and they dont even bring us water sometimes. They barely give us breaks. All kids complain about work. Kids do complain a lot. Were raising a society thats too soft. What im hearing from you is that American Children are pussy s. I appreciate that you wont say it, but just nod with me if you agree. Its some of the hardest work you will do. You may steenyearold picking tobacco, but you wont see him there all day. I worked 12 hours day. Or sometimes a little bit longer. Is that typical . From the sun comes up until the sun comes down. How many shady naps did you goat take to refresh yourself . I have not taking any naps working. Its like 100 something degrees outside. And were working. Im sorry. I thought i was talking to some teenagers who took pride in their work. And the killjoys at Human Rights Watch dont want americas children experiencing the pleasure of tobacco. Which they are not yet legally allowed to purchase. Tobacco farm is no place far child. You know what, my son is 16 years old. He still wears velcro sneakers. I wish i could send him to a tobacco field to let him do an honest days work. Many children suffer from nausea, vomiting, headache, dizziness from working with nicotine plants. Havent we all felt disney and nauseous while at work. No, i dont get sick at work. Maybe you need to work a little harder. Im constantly throwing up at my job. I used to get sick at least three times every summer. Like sick with excitement . Throw up. Headache. It seemed like the world was revolving around my head. I felt like i was going to die. Acute nicotine poisoning is not that big a problem. Its no different than a 24hour stomach virus. Its like one cough or fainting spell or vomit attack and everyone starts freaking out. Thats right. You know . And we do things, like wear the plastic garbage bags. We do those things to protect our health. I saw that. See, our children are already pampered with the heftiest Safety Technology gladly provided we the farmers. Kirkland . The farmer does not bring us anything like that. We have to provide our own stuff. We have to buy it ourselves, gloves, bags. Okay. Wow. Youre making it very hard for me to ironically support child tobacco labor. What will be next . Can they not work out in the heat then picking pumpkins . Can they not working picking green beans. First they came for our while tobacco farmers and i said nothing because i had acute nicotine poisoning and was doubled over in pain. Lucky for paul, tobacco work can still teach our children one valuable lesson. You never appreciate a good job until youve had bad one. Youre so right. Those children are going to appreciate the bleep out of their next job. Is samantha bee. Well be right back. [ male announcer ] welcome to no mans land. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. A totally different breed of chocolate cereal. Wicked crunch outside. Smooth chocolate inside. Krave cereal take the dare to krave challenge on facebook, if you dare. Bigger than a giant el camino on monster tires. And bolder than taking that behemoth and breaking the world busjumping record by 2 1 2 buses. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ male announcer ] and theyre crunchy. [ engine revs ] crunchier than driving through a fine china shop that sells professionalgrade fireworks out of the back. Doritos jacked. Bigger. Bolder. Thicker. Doritos jacked. Stuck in a contract . Switch to tmobile well pay your early termination fees so you can get the galaxy s 5 for 0 down right now im taking off, but, uh, dont worry. Im gonna leave the tv on for you. And if anything happens, dont forget about the new xfinity my account app. You can troubleshoot technical issues here. If you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. You can pay the bill, too. But dont worry about that right now. Okay. How do i look . Thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. Introducing the xfinity my account app. Jon welcome back. My gust tonight has a new movie out called tammy. Do it, do it okay. The corner. Whoa. Oh. Sorry about that. Oh, god. Mark twan National Forest . Where are we . Were in missouri. We went in the wrong direction and you do know who mark twain is, right . I know who he is. Good guy. Hes a good guy. Jon please welcome back to the Program Melissa mccarthy. Come on [cheering and applause] Melissa Mccarthy is here. Melissa mccarthy is here. Melissa mccarthy. How are you . Theres always this fear of tipping right over. Jon can i tell you something . We nearly killed jimmy carter. Oh, really . Jon a few years back. We dont even have it. This little part right here, this edge part . That wasnt here at all. And jimmy carter sat down and kicked back. And this thing went wink and took him to the edge of concussion town. [laughter] isnt that crazy . I had a jimmy carter windup peanut as a child. Jon really . Yeah. Those were the cool toys i played. With i loved it. We went to washington, d. C. I got a peanut with jimmy carters face on it and two little feet. When you wound it up, it went. I still have it somewhere. Its like, thats awesome. Jon you worked with your husband on this . I did. Jon you wrote it with him . I did. Jon he directed it. I know. Jon do you still like each other . No. We have not spoken in months, and by months, i mean a year and a half. Everybody is like, that seems like a recipe for disaster. I loved it. Hes the calmest, nicest guy, and hes a real smarty and hes really funny. Thats kind however he directed. Jon thats nice. Was there ever a side in a scene where it wasnt going so well where he all of sauden turned red and fired a child . Was there anything like that, where youre like, ive never seen you do anything like that before . Only on the day jihad jodhpurs was like, do it again, mccarthy. Have you ever worked with a director that was just edgy and made it a little bit tough . You dont have to say their name, although if you would like to. I did one commercial, and the person never came down. It was a guy. I dont know who it was. He never came down to say, like, hey, thanks for showing up. He stayed way up in like a glass booth somewhere. And he just yelled at us through a speaker all day. It was the weirdest thing. At first i thought it was a joke. At first i thought it was funny. Can you imagine if she just did that all day . Thats like lets not. Lets not. Thats probably not funny. I was like, i was just moving boxes. It was like factory from one place to another. Hes like, a little more energy. Well, dont go crazy. Jon find your center. So however i was moving boxes sucked apparently because i was either too fast or too slow and there was three of us and nobody knew who he was yelling at. Jon i went on a commercial audition years ago. When you would go in for chilis and its you and three people you never met before. Youre best friends and youre having nacho party and these napkins are nachos. Go. Number three, have fun. Number three, youre upsetting us. Jon this is the most fun ive ever had. God bless, theres always one person, theres a bunch of nice people, everyone is trying to get a job, and then theres always one crazy, which is probably in any group. But there was a girl that came storming in the room once. There were like 15 of us, and then 15 kids, and then literally a huge area where there were ten different commercials. I never got hired for those because they hated me. This girl came storming in with all the energy of like just a true maybe unbalanced. Jon a diva. She came up to me. She went in for some kind of clapping thing. Before cool handshakes were in. And then immediately she sat down and was like trying to be in on a joke that no one else was in. When we went new york i probably should not be telling this story. Jon tell it tell it we went in and she goes, you guys are my friend, so let me set it up. Were cool. I was like, i dont know you. Shes like, just let me set it up. She came, in hey you guys, what are you doing . Like they clearly didnt know her. Theyre like, what have you been up to . Shes like, just got over an abortion, doing cool. Hanging cool. Jon oh, my god. Hanging cool, doing what i do, auditioning a lot. It was like abortion, hanging cool, getting the word out about my acting. And i literally was just like. Like i know i went real weird. I think i started being like, i can take myself out of the room. And shes like kind of hanging on me like were buds. I was like, oh, im getting so nauseous. I dont know what to do. There niece answer to that. Then strangely we did not get that job. Jon really . When is tammy. Tammy is coming out on the second. The second. Jon its going to be a huge blockbuster. Ill tell you why. Why . Jon people love Melissa Mccarthy. I love Melissa Mccarthy. Melissa mccarthy, everybody. [cheering and applause] vo once upon a time there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall and the good queen showed the boy it could all be real avo whatever you can imagine, all in one place expedia, find yours was killed june 28,2005 in afghanistan. My husbands death was the hardest thing ive ever faced. The special Operations Warrior Foundation stepped in to help. Now you can help, too. Purchase new cherry 5hour energy now through july thirtyfirst and a portion of each sale benefits special Operations Warrior Foundation to help families of fallen heroes. I will always miss my dad, but thanks to special Operations Warrior Foundation i will never feel alone. Have ohare party repair remove them. And install tostitos cantina chips and salsa. Guaranteed to bring that south of the border je ne sais quoi to any occasion tostitos. Bring the party. Im taking off, but, uh, dont worry. Im gonna leave the tv on for you. And if anything happens, dont forget about the new xfinity my account app. You can troubleshoot technical issues here. If you make an appointment, you can check out the status here. You can pay the bill, too. But dont worry about that right now. Okay. How do i look . Thanks. [ male announcer ] troubleshoot, manage appointments, and bill pay from your phone. Introducing the xfinity my account app. Jon hey, everybody. Thats our show. Listen up, so im ive probably done 2,400, 2,500 of these daily shows. We have a writer who has probably done 2,800, 2,900, and he has decided for whatever reason, after only 2,900, that im good, thats enough. Boy, were going to miss him. A great writer. He has like, like the show, evolved, grown from, you know, a comicturned writer to an accomplished writer with just a lovely wife and family and just great guy. So j. R. Haviland, were going to miss you. Heres your moment of zen. Hey, craig, how come youre such a cutup, such a card . Well, it takes the combined efforts of a number of highly trained people. Lets meet the daily show writers. Small forward, from the juvenile Detention Center in california, j. R. Halveland, my baby. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org [springs bouncing] [breathing heavily] [snaps fingers] bro. What . Lock em. Lock em. Yeah. [bleep] yeah, bro. How awesome is this . Its cool. [bleep] yeah, it is. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Yeah. Dude. Synchronize. Synchronize. Yeah, yeah, there it is. Now were doing it. Now were doing it. Now were doing it. Now were doing it. Doing it with my bro doing it with my bro i love every second of doing it with my bro itsits pretty awesome. Can you believe it . Can you just. . Yo. Yo. Right there, man. Just give me five, man. [sighs] give me five, bro. Come on, thats [bleep] [bleep]. Come on. [sighs] come on. Oh, youre with me now. You know. You are with me now. Thats disturbing. Keep em locked. Keep em locked. You aint goin nowhere. Give me five. Mmmm. Give it back. Get your
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