Ukrainian boogaloo. Listen. After a week of letting his troop movements do the talking, russian strongman Vladimir Putin sat down tuesday with his countrys of the sensors media to explain himself. This is what i would like to suggest. Lets have a conversation rather than an interview. Jon you know what i did not see that coming. Our conversation, a rap session. I never saw putin as the cool dad. Somebody who would pull up a chair, flip around, put on a baseball hat. Lets talk about pops. But its a pleasant surprise, lets get to the conversation. I would ask you to begin by stating all your questions. I will jot them down and try to answer them. Fine. Let us stop here for now. I will begin, dont interrupt me. laughter jon i forgot an interesting fact. In russia the word for conversation is the same word as the word for shut the [bleep] up. Let me talk. Lev laugh first things first, you like that, big vladi . First things first. All right, vladimir, are there Russian Troops in the ukraine . Those are local selfdefense units. About the use of military, there is no need for this so far. This is very interesting. Have you mentioned to these local selfdefense units that they are not from russia, because i am a russian soldier. I should have let him finish. Mi russian soldier. In dream you are having. laughter when you wake up, there will be no memory of this. Come on, vladimir. Vladimir, Vladimir Putin. The soldiers are saying they are from russia. They are speaking russian, theyre wearing russian army uniforms, kind of. Well, look at the former soviet republic. Because there are a lot of uniforms that look like them. You can go to a store and buy a uniform. laughter jon right, but im not sure you can go to the store and buy ten thousand of them. Or have that store throw in some russian tanks or are those just part of crimeas new city tank program. People want to get around, they go in, they do a thing. applause this has been quite an enlightening conversation with Vladimir Putin. And while president putin seems to be channeling jon lovitzs character from snl, yeah, yeah, cry mea, yeah, were not in crimea, thats the ticket, yeah, perhaps theres Something Else going on here. Germany Angela Merkel told president obama sunday night that after speaking to putin she didnt think he was in touch with reality saying putin was in another world. Jon and that brings us to the second portion of our headline. Much of the world now sees putin for what he is, semi delusional auto crat who views the dissolution of the soviet union as one of the greatest tragedies of the late centro and has confused his owns geo political propaganda for reality. Who would be fooled by this guys [bleep]. Russia has a real leader. An our president just is is incapable and unwilling to lead. In a way, you got to hand it to putin. He knows the west is weak. Putin decide was he wants to do. And he does it in half a day. He makes a decision and he executes it. Quickly, then everybody reacts that is what you call a leader. Jon that is not what you call a leader. Make the quick decision and everybody reacts . Thats what you call a toddler. laughter honestly. I got to tell you. The weirdest thing about this isnt putin invading ukraine. You expect a crazy guy to act crazy. The weirdest thing is seeing conservatives in our country point at the crazy guy and go i want what theyre having. Putin likes to hang out with his shirt off. Obama wears mom jean, putin tells the west if you mess with me i will kill you all. People are looking at putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates. This is a guy that wrestles tigers while the president wears mom pants. Jon what a great talking point that mom jeans turned out to be. Heres the thing you got to remember. Putin doesnt actually wrestle bears an tigers. Thats propaganda. He did once shoot a tiger. But only after that tiger had been pretranquilized and trapped in a snare for him. For gods sakes, how much in an 24 news take el do you upgrade putin from wrestling bears to tiger, but tomorrow it will be he snatched a tot out of the great white shark and made him blow him while obama sat there wristfully wearing capri pants and a baby bonnett. You have to admit there is something ridiculous about a middleaged world leader riding around shirtless on a horse like conan the bore barrian after a dozen donuts. Who thinks this looks good . Its like they want obama to seem weak to the russian people. They dont respect weakness. Putin, bigging strong, muscular on a horse. Jon big, strong, muscular on a horse that is an image that looks like it should be air brushed on to the side of a van in a new jersey rest area. laughter i have been to that rest area. Nice. But fine, you want obama to be more like putin. How would you feel if obama did act a bit more authoritarian. Did president o bam mais the class about the three equal baferjs branches of government. Doesnt he act more like king than president. Hes not the king. Emperor obama does what he wants to do. An imperial president shredding the constitution. He gutted the constitution with obama care. Shoved down the throats of the american people. Thats a form of tyranny. Those are the actions of a dictator. A obama needs to be reminded he is not a dictator. Jon fascinating. Let me see if i have this straight. obama is a week, mom jeans wearing dictator king weak, weak mom jeans, tyrant, of the worst tyrants of all. What the hell is wrong with these people. What happened to these people as children. That has enabled this lovehate relationship with authoritarian figures and the inherent cognitive disdissonance that goes along with such a chism. You know what i am talking about fox contributor. It is funny, putin actually reminded me in a peculiar way of my mother. laughter jon go on. My mother has a brilliant, uncanny ability to meet someone and within five minutes she can identify their weakness. She knows their weak points. laughter cheers and applause jon whos weak now . Weak, weak, weak, weak. Are you up for whatever happens next . [ male announcer ] see ians full night at upforwhatever. Com. [ male announcer ] see ians full night so our business can be on at ts network for 175 a month . Yup. All 5 of you for 175. Our clients need a lot of attention. Theres unlimited talk and text. Were working deals all day. You get 10 gigabytes of data to share. What about expansion potential . Add a line, anytime, for 15 a month. Low dues, great terms. Lets close new at t mobile share value plans our best value plans ever for business. voseeker of the sublime. Ro. You can separate runway ridiculousness. From fashion that flies off the shelves. And you. Rent from national. Because only national lets you choose any car in the aisle. And go. And only national is ranked highest in car rental Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. natalie ooooh, i like your style. vo so do we, business pro. So do we. Go national. Go like a pro. Transferred money from his before larry instantly bank of america savings account to his merrill edge retirement account. Before he opened his first hot chocolate stand calling winter an underserved season. And before he quit his friends leafraking business for not offering a 401k. Larry knew the importance of preparing for retirement. Thats why when the time came he counted on merrill edge to streamline his investing and help him plan for the road ahead. Thats the power of streamlined connections. Thats merrill edge and bank of america. Welcome back. Weve all heard america has the best Healthcare System in the world am but for how long. The u. S. Healthcare system for as long as we can remember has had one resounding truth. America has the best Healthcare System in the world. The greatest Health Care System in the world. The finest Healthcare System in the world. But thats all about to change. Obamacare will bankrupt our country and ruin the best Health Care Delivery system in the world. Fox business commentator todd wileman. The u. S. Healthcare system is the best in the world but now with obamacare, you know, our choices have been limited. You know, people are going to be saying this costs more, im getting less, im to the going to be happy. WorstCase Scenario where are we heading. We have longer lines. You might have to bring your own sheet. In russia they reuse sir ings. The scenario where we could slip into third world status will be slow, probably. Oh my god, third world status, that is like the worst world status there isment to see how bad that could be i traveled to a region ripe with poverty. My guide was stan, founder of remote area medical. For 30 years brock and his charity have parachuted into remote regions of africa an south america with teams of doctors working to heal the poor. And now he would show me what america will look like in just a few years. Stan, how high are we going to go up . You dont need to scream at me. The roof is not gone yet, were still on the ground. Oh. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, this is my first time. Anxious for the long journey ahead we buzzed over an unfamiliar and rugged landscape. When i arrived i was overwhelmed by the need. Dow find that there are diseases and things, conditions herurs not even familiar with. Gange fever, tie for identification, malaria things like that. Those arent problems that we really see in knoxville. You said knoxville. Were in tennessee. Tennessee. Tennessee, knoxville, tennessee. Yes. Knoxville. And thats what the locals call this place. Yes. And what is the english word for it. Knoxville. This is knoxville, tennessee this is america. Oh, that explains it. Oh my god, i think i saw a wafflehouse. But if we were in america, what the hell was stan brock doing here. It has been designed to take airborne relief, parachute drops et cetera to the third world and have more than 90 of everything we do is here in the united states. And is that because 90 of the worlds population is american. No, no, when i came to this which i saw that there was a desperate need, people that couldnt afford or didnt have access to care. The u. S. Healthcare system is the best in the world, fact. If you can afford it. Name five other countries that have a better Healthcare System than the u. S. Malta, cyprus, france, switzerland, japan, australia, great britain. All right, you named like seven. Yeah. And i said name five, so you lose. Okay, so maybe were not the first best or secondbest, but at least were in the top 37th. Whatever. In your face, slovenia. I just came back from a place with shockingly poor health kir conditions. Theyre still reeling from the loss of the civil war. A quarter of the young people are living in poverty. They have high rates of cancer. Heart disease. This is how bad it could get, sure, yeah, if we keep going down the path of more government control, less invasion. I dont know if we could be that place unless great catastrophe happens to this country. I should probably mention that the place im talking about knoxville, tennessee, in america. Which has the greatest health care in the world. What i obviously not you know, youre you know, people do fall through the cracks. And from what i saw those are some pretty big [bleep] cracks. So the worse Case Scenario for obamacare is that it gets us to a place where we already are . So what happens now when youre sick. Youre still going to get the care. Its going to be not not good. Not some of not good, its going to be not what everyone else is getting. Everybody else gets it, its going to be [bleep]. Its they all get the same level of health care but theyre going to have to wait for it. Its the same treatment, you just might get that treatment after you have already died. No. Some people get Great Health Care and some people just get good health care. But what if everybody got really Great Health Care. Im just kidding, we have to keep things competitive, right . Yes see, everyone gets care. Its just some have to wait for it. To be choppered in with a triage unit. But thats their choice. Not all of them cannot afford health care. They made that choice to go bare. Because they cant afford it. Because they dont want to pay for it. Well, because they cant afford it. People like a free lunch. And i will be honest, if you are poor, stop being poor, you know, get a ged, have a job for over a year. Right, right. So if you ares poor, just stop being poor. Thats a good idea. Its a great idea. Just no one tell slovenia. Jon well be right back. They lived. They lived. 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Mattress discounters welcome back, my guest tonight, she is a Political Science professor at Barnard College columbia university, she has been wroiing about the crisis in ukraine from Foreign Affairs magazine, please welcome kimberlie martin. Hello. Thank you. Thank you for being here, for someone who studies this region, this must be horrifying and exciting at the same time. When things get bad there they get good for people who study it. Jon good for people who study it. Yeah. Jon heres what i though about the situation. Putin has won. He has through shrewd leadership and a certain amount of sensitivity of nipple, he has brought the west to its knees and reconstituted the soviet union. How correct am any. No, in fact, thats absolutely wrong. He lost and nobody can figure out why he took such big risk for such little gain. Now that hes an interesting take, that you have, when you say its a big risk, what has he risked . Well, immediately hes risk that a gunshot goes off, not just one that gets into the sky but one that is, for example, fired by a drunk soldier, that causes the whole thing to blow and you crane to be in a civil war with Russian Troops there. But more than that, he has now given up the one piece of power that russia really had after the cold war that had any significance which was the veto in the u. N. Security council. Because he didnt bother to go to the u. N. Before he decided to make this military move and then nobody is going to believe russia ever again when they say but you have to go to the u. N. Security council first. Aw. But let me tell you this, they are not there militarily. I understand that. I understand that, yeah. Jon you can go out and buy Russian Military uniforms. Yes, yes, so i heard. Jon an you can learn russian very quickly if you want to. Right, right. Jon this is complicated for not just russia because you talk about putin has given up the moral group if he indeed had any. How tough is it for us to say lets say putin wants to turn it around. I only went in to crimea because this is a region that wants to be part of the russian federation. Wants to be independent, like you went into iraq, we are merely spreading democracy in this region. Well, there is a procedure that should be followed through International Law and, in fact, ukraine had already planned that it was going to have a discussion of changing the autonomous status of crimea after the may elections that were coming up. The Ukrainian Government is actually relatively a democracy. They didnt quite follow the procedures constitutionally when they got rid of yanukovych, the old leader but the way they put in place the new leadership was by a majority vote of a parliament that was elected in an election. And so ukraine is already a democracy. Does that complicate ukraines options here if crimea says we have through a Popular Uprising overthrown the ukrainian leadership and chosen to be part of the russian federation, does ukraine have a leg to stand on when they say but thats not constitutional because they just did a similar maneuver. But there is a difference. Because what crimea did at the point that the russians had started going in was to replace their leadership with a new leader so that part was parallel to what had happened in kiev and the major part of ukraine. But the idea of just breaking away as a province going off on its own, that that is not in any kind of International Legal framework that has to come with the permission, the discussion of the entire population of ukraine, not just the province by itself. How complicate wood it be if you held that discussion with the entoire province. Because i know listen, im sure the kurds are watching this and thinking i didnt know you could do that. I was i in iraq, part of turkey there are many regions where there is a majority population, perhaps not in control politically that would like to establish their autonomy ethnically. But you know, only 58 of the people in crimea are ethnically russian or so we think from 29001 census. There is a big minority of crimean who were really just faced terrible persecution throughout the soviet period, now have. Jon so not they are not neutral towards russia, they are they are actively hostile. Frightened of russia. And they have explicitly said they have their own form of a little inform Democratic Group that gets together and meets. And they said this Group Supports ukraine and they want ukraine and the entire population of ukraine to be involved in this decision. Jon i understand, you know, look, russia did this in georgia. But georgia is nowhere near the military of the ukraine. I mean ukraine is in an enormous country in and of itself with a very well established military. Yes. The military in ukraine is not as strong as we might like it to be. But theyve certainly cooperated with the u. S. And nato all around the world. And it seems like theyre holding. And thats the one really positive things that gives stability in this situation. But the Ground Forces are Still Holding that little piece of land that connects crimea to the rest of ukraine. When that naval commander said he was defecting to the crimean side none of the officers want with him. When Russian Helicopters try to go to the crimean part of the country into the rest of ukraine, they were stopped by the Ukrainian Air force, so far that means it is a contained problem. Jon so basically putin has won and the west is weak. Thank you for being here. Will you stick and for a little bit. Well talk briefly more, a couple of things i wanted to ask you. Kimberly martin. Well be right back. [ intercom ] drivers, to your marks. Go [ male announcer ] its chaos out there. But the mclass sees in your blind spot. Pulls you back into your lane. Even brakes all by itself. Its almost like it couldnt crash. Even if it tried. The 2014 mclass. See your authorized dealer for exceptional offers through mercedesbenz financial services. [ male announcer ] the night starts with so much possibility. Anticipation. Electricity in the air. So, when youre ready to turn up your night. Turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. Brewed with topshelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. Yeah you always make me go whooaaa turn up your night i will find you. [ male announcer ] turn up your night, and make it platinum. We all know what its like. I picked everybody up. I did all my errands. We get to the end of the day and i am toast. In fact, weve had toast for dinner. Cereal. Rice cakes. Trail mix. But tonight i nailed it. This is a real dinner. Kfc family feast. 9 pieces any recipe, 3 large sides, 6 biscuits, 19. 99. Do not give up on dinner. Mmmmm. This momma fed her babies. And her mate. Ew. The kids are grossed out by that. Music plays fewer turn down every majore label along the way. So they can create one with their best friend. Were macklemore and ryan lewis, and were one of a kind. That sour show, here it, your moment of zen. Its clear to me that putin not only has the upper hand from a to z, but hes enjoying himself. Putin is the big bad russi stephen tonight, what does the man on the street think about race in america . I dont know. I crossed it to avoid him. laughter then a surprise move from a hate group. Get ready for the aryan brotherhood of the traveling pants. And my guest, jeff goldblum, stars in the new wes anderson film the grand budapest hotel. The interview will have a sound track of mendelssohn played on a toy xylophone. laughter the oscars are on sunday damn i had tuesday in the offic laughter pool. This is the the colbert report. Captioning sponsored by comedy central
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