captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. very excited tonight. our guest tonight, we're very excited, king abdullah of jordan is going to be joining us on the program tonight, very excited. (cheers and applause) but first-- but first i have a question i'd like to ask you. (laughter) a fellow in the audience right before the show, a fellow in the audience asked a nice lady to marry him. here's the crazy part: met her in line. (laughter and applause) no. eight years. they've been going out for eight years. it was-- (applause). it was a very moving and heart felt moment. i thought punctuated by the phrase-- which i think should be a hallmark card-- (laughter) "(bleep) yeah i'll marry you." (cheers and applause) beautiful. got you right here. got you right here. very exciting. and obviously they're canadian so their babies, i'm sure, will be gay socialists. (laughter) whatever it is canadians make up there. i don't know. (laughter) anyway, king abdullah, of course, he is in new york city for the u.n. general assembly, or, as we like to think of it, the reason i can't get to work because of traffic! (laughter) the event has s a gathering in the international juggalos. with libya in turmoil, syria in flames, iran on the verge of a nuclear weapon, an incredible opportunity for our president not just to address the world community but for some high-level pres-on-pres action. >> the white house says he has no plans to have any private leadings with world leaders. >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, that's-- probably protocol. it's not the time for one-on-one meetings with other world leaders! >> our research shows it's been 20 years since a president has been to that meeting and not met one on one with a foreign leader. (audience reacts). >> jon: oh. (laughter) well, i guess if the world leaders would like to meet with him personally they can just donate $5 to his campaign and take their chances like the rest of us. (laughter) seriously. i'm sure there's a good reason why president obama's not going to be face to face with world leaders in these difficult and historic times. >> the president obviously has a busy schedule. he has a busy schedule all time. >> jon: yeah, he's got a busy schedule! (laughter) he can't just be meeting every world leader willy-nilly! (laughter) just because he's not meeting them face to face doesn't mean he's not filled with high level strategic room defcon economic simulations. >> president obama will appear on "the view" this morning. (audience reacts) >> jon: moments like these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well, we do provide care for people who don't have insurance. we pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care and different states have different ways of providing for that care. (laughter) >> jon: unless-- normally he would be in trouble unless that incumbent president is running against the guy who just appeared to suggest that we don't need to do a health care plan for uninsured americans because we have emergency rooms! (laughter) and, like, they're open all night. (laughter) they're, like, 7-elevens but-- (cheers and applause) now that-- what he just said is an amazing and unappealing to -lsy statement which on its own would perhaps level the field for the incumbent president but apparently leveling the field isn't good enough for massachusetts mitt "up until i was running for president in the republican primary i believed fervently in the exact opposite of what i told cbs' skoept" romney, which is also a terrible nickname. >> look, it doesn't make sense for us to have millions and millions of people have no health insurance and yet who can go to the emergency room and get entirely free care for which they have no responsibility. when they show up at the hospital, they get care, they get free care paid for by you and me. if that's not a form of socialism, i don't know what is. (laughter) >> jon: the uninsured being cared for in emergency rooms is irresponsible and socialist and i am totally cool that. (laughter) that's how your state wants to deal with it. you see, whatever his missteps are as a candidate barack obama is surging in the polls because the closer we get to the election it is dumber mitt romney appears to be getting. (cheers and applause) here he is touting his economic plan-- settle down. really? is that how you want to win this thing? (laughter) the other guy just tears his a.c.l., is that how you want to win? (laughter) here's romney touting his economic plan at the start of this campaign last year. >> my economic plan lays out how i will ultimately get government to shrink, grow our economy, balance our budget so that investors in new jobs and enterprises will have confidence in america. it's about 150 pages with 59 different policy ideas. >> jon: 59 policy ideas! 150 pages! 11 herbs and spices! 99 bottles of beer on the wall! now here he is touting his economic plan just eight months later. >> if we win on november 6, it will be a great deal of optimism about the future of this country. we'll see capital come back and we'll see-- without actually doing anything, we'll actually get a boost to the economy. (audience reacts) this is the businessman candidate! he's gone from having a 59 point economic plan to magic. (laughter) don't worry, all this country needs is a little shot of vitamin mitt. (applause) it's like he read "the secret." (laughter) i don't need a plan, let's just put positive vibes down the universe. (laughter) i swear to god, what is happening to romney? it's like he's charlie from "flowers for algernon." (laughter) and the serum is wearing off. yes, read a (bleep)ing book! (laughter) (applause) really. you almost-- you almost heard the disappointment in the audience there. they just go "oh, i'm going to have to look that up. oh!" (laughter) here's romney making a defense of his low personal tax rate two months ago. >> my view is i have paid all the taxes required by law. i don't pay more than are legally due. and, frankly, if i had paid more than are legally due i don't think i'd be qualified to become president. >> jon: i mean, heck, if i overpaid my taxes who knows what else i'd overdo. instead of pardoning one turkey, i may pardon all the turkeys. (laughter) so anyhow, paying more than the legally required amount of taxes would disqualify one from the presidency. that was two months ago. flash to this weekend. >> according to that 2011 return, romney donated $4 million to charity but only claimed a deduction of $2.25 million. he reduced his deduction and in essence paid more in taxes, the campaign said, to conform to his earlier estimate that he paid a 13% rate in 2011. >> jon: oh, charlie-- (laughter). oh, charlie. oh, charlie, you're fading on us, charlie! first we lost algernon and now you, charlie? (laughter) the election's around the corner and you can no longer complete a maze that just months earlier you designed yourself. (laughter) and whatever's happening to mitt romney, it is happening fast! >> i know that there are some people who believe that if you simply take from some and give to others we'll be better off. it's known as redistribution. it's never been the characteristic of america. a tape came out a couple days ago with the president saying yes, he believes in redistribution. i don't! >> jon: oh, come on, charlie. (laughter) you can do this, charlie! remember? redistribution is socialism, charlie! you've got to remember! it's only been four days, charlie! >> so what i do in my medicare plan for younger people coming along is say this "we're going to have higher benefits for low-income people and lower benefits for high-income people." >> jon: that's (bleep)ing redistribution! (cheers and applause) that's what you just said! it's what you just-- don't you understand that? (cheers and applause) don't you get that? oh, right, you don't get that. (laughter) not anymore. (laughter) we ain't teaching mitt romney, mitt romney's teaching us. (laughter) so that's why president obama is the luckiest dude on the planet. although you have to wonder watching romney how the hell did this guy even get the nomination? >> it's three agencies of government when i get there that are gone. >> we will have the first permanent base on the moon. >> commerce, education, and the-- um, what's the third one there? >> her little daughter took that-- took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation. >> commerce, education and-- um-- the um-- um-- >> okay, libya. president obama supported-- the uprising, correct? >> president obama wants to-- once said he wants everybody in america to go to college. what a snob! >> oops. >> jon: oh, right. that concludes our segment "mitt romney is the s.e.c.-luckiest dude on the planet." to physics, right? so, explain this. how can something get bigger.. and smaller? there's more of it.. and less of it? well, i guess the laws of physics are more like.. general guidelines. welcome back! my guest tonight is the reigning king of jordan. welcome back to the program king abdullaabdull abdullah ii. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for being here again. i just wanted to let you know as an emissary of the united states our president, i know, was scheduled to meet with you today. (laughter) he was not doing a stupid t.v. show. (laughter) he was very busy with strategic-- meetings. (laughter) whoopi goldbergstan, i believe it is. >> i heard. >> jon: that the talk of-- you were at the u.n. today. does anyone-- is there any discussion amongst world leaders about the american president not being available for face-to-face meetings? is that not a-- is that upsetting? >> not that i heard, no. i think everybody's there preparing for their speeches and in side meets with other leaders. that was not an issue. >> jon: so we are, in fact, perhaps, in some respects blowing this out of proportion? >> most likely, probably. (laughter) >> jon: although inside it does hurt a little bit, doesn't it? (laughter) how are things? you are neighbors with-- for some perspective with our audience who believe you're somewhere off the coast of bermuda-- (laughter). you are bordered by iraq, syria-- >> yes. >> jon: israel and saudi arabia. >> egypt. >> jon: and egypt. so how are things? (laughter) >> we've seen better days. >> jon: you run a constitutional monarchy. >> that's right. >> jon: in the middle of the largest democratic i don't want to say uprising but transition in your part of the world. what happens to you? how do you manage that without being deposed like some of these other countries have had to deal with? >> jordan is part of the arab spring also. but the arab spring means something different to every country. different countries are going through different paces. you know, i keep saying that whatever the middle east is going through is going to be something that will take five, ten, 15 years and each country is going to have its own unique experiment of this. the republics have gone through a much tougher version of this than the monarchies, funny enough. but i hope this is something we all look back five, ten, 15 years from now and say that arab spring is a good thing. and i believe it is. so we all have to change. but the pace and meaning will be different for each count voy the problem sometimes in the united states is they say "how do we deal with the arab spring? there's no way to quantify that because for each country it means something different. >> jon: i think we like to have the idea-- arrogantly so-- that we are in control of this process. the argument we have is "how could you let the brotherhood come to power in egypt, obama?" as though obama could go "i should have rigged that differently." (laughter) we have a sense that somehow we can control these events but even in that region, i imagine, there's a great deal of nervousness amongst the general ruling parties that have been-- you know, saudi arabia probably looks at jordan to see how you're doing. >> well, aai peace treaty then there's no longer a ray son debt a for iran to have a nuclear weapon. because between israel and iran are a whole different countries the last people who want for israel and iran to have a nuclear strike is going to be us. >> jon: sure. >> so the easier cheaper way of solving the problems is for the israelis and arabs to solve their problem which is is the israeli palestinian issue. it's very simplistic, obviously-- >> jon: no, i understand. but the thing you wonder is how much of the israeli/palestinian issue-- i'm sure it's very concerning to those other powers but do they use it to some extent to distract their own populations from their own economic troubles, their own lack of governance? are they going to also have to take responsibility for their own-- it's very easy, there was a big explosion, this terrible film that went on youtube and the arab world exploded. but, you know, for american wes see there's burning american flags every friday is obviously death to america friday, free wings. (laughter) you know, is there-- is there a sense that that language is also seen as vitriolic and volatile? >> well, going to the first part of the question. i mean iran, as you see historically for any revolution needs to continue to expand because the minute that a revolution starts it has to look internally and that's when it implodes and has to readjust. so that's my view on iran. on the issue of the video, i mean obviously i'm a direct descendent of the prophet so i'm terribly insulted by the video and refuse to watch it because obviously the whole point of the video was to create this reaction that unfortunately happened. at the same time, i'm completely against that type of reaction. you do not take innocent lives into your own hands. so unfortunately, the person that was behind this got away with exactly what he was trying to do. and we have this chaos throughout the middle east. >> jon: do you feel like that then allows-- it's so easy it seems-- >> i'm sorry to interrupt you. and unfortunately there's a lot of people in our part of the world that are just waiting for an excuse to leap on to this. so there are different elements trying to feed off of each other, extremists on either side that sort of in a way live off each other. >> jon: and it's that symbiotic relationship that makes finding stability so difficult. can you stick around for a little bit? >> sure. >> jon: it's funny, we should have done this on the show. we're going to solve the middle east on the web. (laughter) so we'll do it on the web. (cheers and applause) king abdullah of jordan. we'll be right back. 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(laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, the polls are not favoring mitt romney. great, first the british, now he's in trouble with polish people. (laughter) then, outrage in the n.f.l. though after a few more concussions who will remember? (laughter) and my guest, claressa shields, is the first woman to win gold in olympic boxing. i will float like a butterfly and ask questions also like a butterfly. (laughter) i have gotten a iphone 5! (cheers and applause) and apple maps says i'm in norway! this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." please, thank you for joining us. i lost the emmy. (laughter) speaking of losing, mitt romney. (laughter) he has had a run of bad luck lately and this past weekend was no different. on saturday, ann romney's plane had to make an emergency landing after an electrical fire broke out on board. now, i'm happy to hear that she is fine. no one's sure what happened, though ann swears she saw a gremlin on the wing. (laughter) and mitt used this close call to present a bold idea. >> when you have a fire in the-- in an aircraft, there's no place to go, exactly. there's no-- and you can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft because the windows don't open. i don't know why they don't do that. (laughter) but it's a real problem. >> stephen: it is a real problem. (laughter) for one thing, it explains why burger king doesn't have a fly-through window. (laughter) folks, folks, this is real leadership. mitt romney has identified a new frontier! just as kennedy challenged us to put a man on the moon-- >> we choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things. not because they are easy, but because they are hard! >> stephen: yes, and mitt romney is now challenging us to add pow erwin does to the delta shuttle! not because it is easy but because it is impossible! (cheers and applause) did ken i do a lot of this? i didn't see kennedy do a lot of this. (laughter) a lot of people can do the voice. doing this. (laughter) now, folks, the air pressure patrol out there is going to say that rolling down the window will cause all the passengers to get sucked out. wrong! obviously he will put screens on the windows. (laughter) you don't want mosquitos at 30,000 feet. think. now, given this kind of bold vision from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stages of grief. and i am not! oh, that makes me so angry! (laughter) and i will do anything not to be going through the five stages! let's make a deal, god. i'm so sad. (laughter) well, nothing more i can do. (laughter) (cheers and applause) time to give in. time to just-- time to just give up. which i won't, because everything's fine! (laughter) mitt is going to win! and that is good, because, folks, the importance of this race cannot be overstated! >> the choice you face won't just be between two candidates or two parties, it will be a choice between two different paths for america. a choice between two fundamentally different visions for the future. >> i think the president's right. i think this is a very clear choice for the american people as to what america's tpaoufp will look like. >> stephen: yes, it is a very clear choice between a man who says this is a clear choice and a man who agrees with him. (laughter) and folks, here-- (applause). here is what's at stake! 30 years ago, ronald reagan crystalize it had conservative ideology into one immortal soundbite. >> government is not the solution to our problems; government is the problem. >> stephen: and he went on to prove that over the next eight years. (laughter) folks, modern conservatism means limited government! and the self-evident truth that tax breaks for the wealthy are good for the poor! it's like the old saying. the rich get richer, hooray! (applause) but with this election, those conservative values are being put to the ultimate test. >> if obama wins, let me tell you what it's the end of: the republican party. >> stephen: no surprise. republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up. (cheers and applause) and to fight for the g.o.p.'s very existence we have chosen mitt romney as our standard bearer. unfortunately, no one can stand or bear him. (laughter) even some conservatives like peggy noonan who cut loose in the "wall street journaay
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