Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20160909

Were going to do George Washington challenge taking George Washington and getting it red hot and burning your ass with it. My internet challenge to watch tosh. 0 without getting a boner. Tosh all right. That challenge is impossible. Nice croakies by the way. All right, good night. I hope no one [bleep]s in my cereal. Im going [bleep] in your cereal. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show im trevor noah thank you so much, everybody thank you for tuning in. I hope you like that. That was my donald trump dance. laughter our guest tonight, starbucks c. E. O. Howard schultz is joining us he owns it all yes i really actually hope he came for the interview and not just to use our bathroom. laughter before we dive into our top story. Lets look at other news. In the u. S. Open, Serena Williams continues to dominate womens tennis. Won her 309th grandslam match and on her way of breaking steffi grafs record of 210 titles. Serena williams. Her brother cat must be so proud. laughter north koreas leader and biggest baby kim jong un made a big announcement. Kim jong un banned the countrys citizens from using sarcasm in their everyday conversation. No no dont laugh poor kim jong un it seems hes being a dick, but you realize hes been hurt. Thats the only reason he would do that. Clearly, he discovered everyones been making fun of him the entire time. Everyone in his country would be, like, yeah, yeah, thats the body type everyone aspires to. Yeah. Why do i feel it started with his barber . No, kim, everyone is rocking the mustache as a haircut. You look sexy, trust me. laughter we have a great show. Before we get into the main story, say hello to the daily show band cheers and applause thanks, guys. That was amazing. Lets get into todays big story. Last night, here in new york, nbc hosted a special commanderinchief forum, which was momentous for two reasons, one, it would give u. S. Voters a unique opportunity to see how each candidate would run the biggest military in the history of mankind and, secondly, because it was the first time Hillary Clinton and donald trump were in the same venue. I mean, thats if you dont count when they both went to star jones wedding, or if you dont count, like, when they went to melanias thing. Or if you dont count his visiting her in the white house. I mean, if i didnt know any better, i would say these two were friends. laughter but last night, they were back to playing enemies, and what better place than a warship. The commanderinchief forum live from the carrier intrepid in new york. Here now is matt lauer. applause good evening, everyone. The decision the commanderinchief makes can have a profound and Lasting Impact on all americans. After a coin toss yesterday won by mr. Trump, he chose to go second, so that means we begin tonight with the democratic nominee for president. Trevor im sorry. Wait. They flipped a coin . laughter you would think for an event so serious they wouldnt use such a basic decider. And how did hillary lose a coin toss at trump . You would think it would be easier to beat him at a coin toss because when they say heads or tails, he would say, titties laughter trump would say, you see hillary making a bad decision, folks. They asked her which side and she chose the wrong side, folks. I would go in there and do it right. laughter heres a bit of trivia for you. During world war ii on multiple occasions, kamikaze planes crashed into the intrepid and last night matt lauer continued that tradition because i dont know what the bleep he was doing, and neither did he. laughter because with just 30 minutes to ask hillary about her National Security strategy, he spent onethird of that time digging through her inbox. Concerning your use of your personal email and server, some of the emails you sent happened while you were overseas and were some of your emails sent or received were referring to our Drone Program and you said those were fairly choice. You were communicating on highly sensitive topics. Why wasnt it more of a mistake . Why wasnt it disqualifying . Trevor matt lauer asked so many questions about email i thought i was stuck in line at the genius bar. Dont get me wrong, it is important to question hillary about her emails. Maybe if she did more than one press conference than every nine months, it would have died down. Trump talks to the press so much they get tired of challenging him. He does press ropeadopes. Thats what hes doing. The problem with spending so much on hirlts emails last night, when we got the military questions, this happened how will you determine when and where to employ troops in harms way especially to the combat i. S. I. S. . As briefly as you can. Trevor as briefly as you can . Are you bleep me . this event was called the commanderinchief forum, its the reason were watching, and because matt lauer spent so much time on his questions about emails, the actual questions from the actual veterans about the actual commanderinchiefing gets reduced to a speed date and because you dont have time you dont get to push back on things like this. We are not putting Ground Troops into iraq ever again, and were not putting Ground Troops into syria. We are going to defeat i. S. I. S. Without committing american Ground Troops. Thank you very much for your question. Trevor well remember this moment. Yeah, we wont send any ever again. You ask a followup . She says not ever, which everyone knows is International Politician speech for well talk about it later. laughter genuinely, matt lauer and the nbc forum were not good last night because if he wasnt good with Hillary Clinton, he was terrible when handling trump. He just let trump get away with platen lies. I was totally against the war in iraq. You can look at esquire magazine from 2004, you can look at from before that, and i was against the war in iraq because i said it was going to totally destabilize the middle east, which it has, it has absolutely been a disastrous war and, by the way, perhaps almost as bad was the way barack obama got out. That was a disaster. People talk about you and commanderinchief and not just secretary clinton but some of your republican opponents in the primary season and they wonder about your temperament. Trevor did you not hear the answer to the question . How did he just move on . First of all, trump is answering the question like a toddler being questioned by his parents and i didnt see i didnt say no and also and barack, he was bad and also i dont go into and me, i would never and, and, also, it was bad applause but he blatantly lies and lauer moves on. I would love to date matt lauer because getting busted would be impossible. It would be, like, whos thirsty lisa . My mom . All right. Lets move on and talk about dinner. And by the way, people, i dont know how many times we have to go over this, but real quick, donald trump didnt oppose the war in iraq. When asked about it in 2002 on the howard stern show, he said he was for the war. Look the interview up on line. Trump points to the esquire magazine 2004 interview that he didnt want to go into war. Having an article would be proof unless it was published 16 months after the war started. The war is already a disaster and its, yeah, we shouldnt have gone in. Everybody knows that. You pose the thing after its happened. Next year a lot of people will be voting against trump in the 2016 elections. Thats whats going to happen. applause and i know some people are saying, well, what did you expect, man . It was matt lauer. Okay . Hes just the host of a morning show. He doesnt know how to push back. But thats why this is so disappointing, because thats not true. Matt lauer can take tough guess to very powerful people. And weve seen it before. Im counting chairs and i see four. Normally we see five. Where is zayn . Liam payne yeah, hes got a tummy bug. Matt lauer is it something more serious than just a minor illness . There have been rumors of substance abuse. Whats going on . No o hes okay. Trevor thats journalism look at that he could have moved on when liam spun him that story he could have moved on and liam was, like, oh, oh, its a tummy bug but matt lauer knew zayns tummy was fine so he called out one direction in front of the fans, a an army way stronger than hillary and trump will ever possess come on, matt lauer, you didnt flinch in front of a bunch of rich, powerful children, i cant believe you couldnt face down just one. Well be right back cheers and applause my brother and i have always been rivals. We would dream about racing each other, in monaco. We were born brothers. Competition made us friends. Wish bold in the 2017 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. My fellow americans. They say were a nation divided. Thats not true. We agree on a lot. Like paul rudd. Everybody loves paul rudd. I didnt know this was going to happen you know what else everyone loves . Emojis. No. Beer thats why were forming the bud light party. Just wait till you see our caucus. Weve got the biggest caucus in the country ooooeeeyyyyy im really inspired right now. America has seen the light. And theres a bud in front of it sfx crowd cheers, fireworks cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show for more on what donald trump said that matt lauer should have called out, heres desi lydic with what the actual fact. cheers and applause thank you, trevor. Well, donald trump spoke last night. So. Here we are. laughter lets start with trumps relationship with his brobushka, vladimir putin. When referring to a comment that putin made about you, i think he called you a brilliant leader, you said its always a great honor to be so nicely complimented by a man so highly respected within his country and beyond. Do you want to be complimented by that former kgb officer . I think when he calls me brilliant, ill take the compliment. If he says great things about me, im going to say great things about him. Wait, if he says great things about me, im going to say great things about him . Trump is confusing the presidency with instagram. Um, shes a fascist bitch, but she liked pli brunch selfie, so you look gorgeous, girl, like trumputin called trump a yarkii. Means bright. It means flam buoyant. So putin meant Ronald Mcdonald brilliant, not einstein brilliant. The compliment is false. Sounds good but means something totally different than you think like a chinese character you get at a strip mall. I thought the tattoo meant serenity, turns out it meant menu laughter lauer asked trump the question on everyones mind. You might be president , how freaked out should be we be exactly . When youre comanderinchief, you can spark a conflict, destabilize a region, put american lives at risk. Can we afford to take the risk with you . I think absolutely. I think if you saw what happened in mexico the other day i went there, had great relationships. Look at the aftermath today where the people who arranged the trip in mexico have been forced out of government. Thats how well we did. Yes. After trump visited mexico, their finance minister was forced to resign because mexicans were so angry that he invited donald trump to their country. In other words, trump says he wont cause global turmoil and then, to prove it, he points to the global turmoil he just caused. You know, its almost as if donald trump is a total bleep nutjob, and im checking his socalled facts and he never even means or knows anything hes talking about. So weird. Trumps claim is supposed to be comforting but comes off as really disturbing. I give this a teletuby. Why does it have a penis on its head . laughter finally, lets look at Donald Trumps criticism of Hillary Clintons support for military action in libya. Again, she made a mistake on libya. She made a terrible mistake on libya. Not only did she make the mistake, but then they complicated the mistake. I mean, she made a terrible mistake on libya. Like augustus at willy wonkas chocolate river, thats where matt lauer should have jumped in because weve all talked about this before, back in 2011, donald trump demanded intervention in libya. But to be fair, how do you expect matt lauer to know he woul howwould he know he sai. I would support a no fly zone you cant allow Something Like this to happen. This is like the holocaust. He just said it to his face. So lets see, trump supported the libyan invasion, and matt lauer was in the room as he did it, but everyones pretending like it didnt happen. So i give this a walking in on your parents bleep . laughter turns out my mom also has a serenity tattoo. Trevor. Trevor thank you, desi. Well be right back. cheers and applause my brother and i have always been rivals. We would dream about racing each other, in monaco. We were born brothers. Competition made us friends. Wish bold in the 2017 camry. Toyota. Lets go places. Mike, youvenope. To let it go. Im saving it for my man cave. Were turning the basement into a playroom. I know we talked about that but i didnt think we, like, officially decided. Okay. Lets sell it on letgo. You just take picture and post it. Saw your post. Thats perfect for my man cave. Its time to snap, post, chat and sell. Its time to letgo. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is the chairman and c. E. O. Of starbucks. Please welcome Howard Schultz cheers and applause welcome. Thank you so much for being here. First of all, i have to apologize, howard. I got your name on your cup written wrong. laughter we were trying to write and i dont know who did that. I dont know even know how that happens. Im so sorry. I really no problem, trevor. No problem. Trevor thats just a horrible, horrible mistake that happened. laughter welcome to the show. Thank you for being here. applause lets jump straight into it. I want to go back for a second. I mean, you are at the head of honestly one of the most recognizable and successful franchises in the world. Youre also responsible for, i guess, most of the excitement in the world between the hours of, like, 6 00 a. M. And 10 00 a. M. We try our best. Trevor lets talk about politics and the world and everything starbucks is involved in. It would be so easy for starbucks just to be involved in making coffee, making money. But it seems like you hear starbucks involved in other conversations. There was the debacle about starbucks being involved in conversations around race which went horribly wrong. Im not so sure about that. I dont think it was a debacle. We are still talking about it, and certainly there is a great need in this country to be talking about race and Race Relations and what still is going on in most communities in america. Trevor a lot of people dont want to talk about the hardships going on in america. What i loved about the series starbucks has come out with, upstanders, an original series struks created, i guess showcasing people doing amazing things. The first question is why, the second question is what inspired it . Given the backdrop of this political season and the lack of civility and respect, how vitriolic its been, you would think the country is completely going south. Thats not the case. There are great, ordinary americans doing extraordinary things. We want the stories to be told and we think it could be catalytic as emblematic as what we can do as americans and not just point our finger and washington and wait on washington while great people are doing great things that are just wonderful and some of them are here today. Trevor as a c. E. O. Of starbucks you talk about corporations and ordinary citizens doing their bit. Whats interesting is you found a way to merge the two. I think we actually have a clip of one of the fascinating stories. Lets have a look. For a generation, good people working at food banks have thrown away food. Maria was the first person i met that actually went about solving the problem of internal food waste within the hunger fighting movement. Were now working with more than 800 individual organizations in 45 states. Were helping move thousands of pounds of food a month, both from retailers and in between food pantries, food that otherwise would have ended up in the trash. Trevor that is absolutely amazing applause maria is actually here in the audience. Thank you, maria, for coming cheers and applause you know, and, honestly, this is not a joke, that is one of the biggest things that i have always grappled with is food wastage. And one out of six americans are food insecure, and maria is trying to solve that problem. Trevor its fantastic. Thank you. Congratulations to both of you for teaming up. cheers and applause ive always been fascinated by something. In america, corporations, i guess, due to lobbying and all of the institutions around it, it seems like corporations have a lot more power than they do in other places, you know, around the world. You talk about using your power to influence whats happening on the ground, but is that something that a company like starbucks looks to do at a higher level so that we dont only look to washington but its something that you as a c. E. O. Say i have to do something to get these people to do something to change the world . There is a growing responsibility for business and Business Leaders to recognize we need to do more. We need to take care of your people and serve our communities. We just came back from johannesburg, we opened in south africa. I was sitting with a group of south africans, many who never had a job before and i kept hearing a word, i know you will know it immediately, i didnt know what it meant. I said what does that mean . Umbutu phonetic , and that word Nelson Mandela used about i am because of you. Trevor yes. So i think that the country and the world is in dire need of humanity, dire need of civility and respect and umbutu phonetic embodies that. Trevor its about stepping up and saying something. Youve done what most dont. I guess you came out and you endorsed Hillary Clinton, which is a strange move. You think so . Trevor no, i mean as a person whos in corporate a lot of people go, hey, ill stay out of it. Im just a coffee guy. I dont get involved. You want it black, you want it white, its up to you, man, up to you laughter you could easily stay out of it. You stepped in and said something publicly why . Because this is probably the most important election of my lifetime and she is i believe the most qualified candidate to be the president of the united states. cheers and applause trevor thank you so much for being here. Thank you for everything that youre doing. Thank you trevor to learn more about upstanders, go to starbucks upstanders Howard Schultz, everybody cheers and applause im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. I know more about isis then the generals do. John mccain, a war hero. Hes not a war hero, hes a war hero because he was captured. I like people that werent captured ok. Donald trump compared his sacrifices to the sacrifices of two parents who lost their son in war. How would you answer that father . What sacrifice have you made for your country . I think ive made a lot of sacrifices, built great structures. Ive had tremendous success, i think. Those are sacrifices . Always has to be who sat your desk . Phone now, with one talk from verizon. Hi, pete. Im glad you called. announcer vo all your phones can Work Together on one number. You can move calls between phones, so conversations can go where you go. Take your time. Im not going anywhere. announcer vo and when youre not available, one talk helps find the right person who is. Hi, john. announcer vo so wherever work takes you, you can put your customers first. Introducing one talk another way verizon connects your business better. Learn how at onetalk. Com. Trevor thank you so much for tuning in and joining us thats all weve got time for. Stay found for midnight coming up with chris hardwick. Now here it is. Your moment of zen. And the north Korean Leader kim jong il is reportedly banning car its 121 d 29 and 29, this happened on the dillee bail, put marshmallow dictator kim jungun is known for his brutal suppression of human rights in north korea like last year when he ordered the execution of a turtle farmer for inexens. Your move, sch competence, your move, shredder. Plus plaws but kims newly