Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20160504

When it goes to indiana i love you im so excited he wanted to get out of town in time to catch the sale at the perry ellis outlet mall but he found himself surrounded by alqaeda. He was outnumbered but still managed to pleasure each man accordingly. [laughter] no one was unsatisfied yes, i had to do gay stuff in prison, but that was for survival. Survival boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner. He dies. End of movie. [laughter] that one was a real tearjerker. See you next week. Good night. [cheers applause] trevor welcome to the daily show, everyone im trevor noah thank you so much our guest tonight author josh king is joining us. But first, a lot of people a lot of people hate on starbucks. Ive noticed this in thest. I love starbucks. You probably dont know this about me but trevor actually isnt my real name. My real name is hard to pronounce african name . When i first came to america and went to starbucks and told them my name and they were, like, mmm. Trevor. And it stuck. It worked for me. Theyre like the ellis island of chain coffee houses so i was shocked this morning when i saw this. A woman is suing starbucks for putting too much ice in its cold drinks. The suit alleging the brand serves more eyes than coffee, underfill drinks to make more money and higher profits. Trevor what . The only time you should complain something you bought came with too much ice is if you were on the titanic. Thats the only time you can complain. Then you can be, like, there was way too much ice and also someone had sex in my car two stars. Thats the only time you can complain about it. Too much ice is such a first world problem. Are you kidding me . You think people in armenia are getting had over too much ice . You dont think they pray every day to the ice god keromang for ice . They dont, armenia is christian. You guys are racists. If you dont want too much ice in your coffee, there theres an option for you, its called coffee. So chill. The indiana primary. We dont know the results, but one way or the other, the prierms are winding to a close. All eyes on indiana. Come down to indiana do. Or die for the ted cruz campaign. Pretty much over for trump. Trump is faiferred to win many of indianas delegates. Ted cruz faces what may be the last chance to show he is still in this game. Trevor wow. Time flys doesnt it . Seems like yesterday when Republican Voters were like the bachelor on episode 1. Excited and nervous, staring at dozens of smiling contestants who all wanted to bleep them and now sometime theyve narrowed the entire field down to the donald, a man who loves punching, and lying ted, the worlds most punchable man, and boy has indiana been punching. His latenight rally filling only half the room and earlier some ugly exchanges. Let me shake your hand audience yelling suggestions audience reacts 2dydkxez trevor nooooo damn thats cold somebody should call state farm because ted cruz just got burned to the bleep ground oh you know, i think its time to reevaluate your president ial prospects when youre getting too slowed by the citizens. You know what . You cant help it with ted cruz. You have to be a dick to him. Its nature. Thats what it is. Even if he won the whole election, i wouldnt be surprised if on inauguration day, chief justice would be there, put your hand on the bible. Psych too slow laughter but ted cruz, he was like a white guy in 1950s alabama trying to find a restaurant. Everywhere he went, he got served. I want to be everyones president , those who vote for me and we dont want you. Hat do you like about donald trump. Everything. Give me anything. Do you know on the wall, donald trump told the New York Times shouting get in linelying ted lying ted trevor its like he has turrets lying ted, lying ted build the wall build the wall shows you how out of touch ted cruz, is hes building up the New York Times to a guy who looks like he sells loosie cigarettes to the juggalos. The only time hes going to change his mind is if he has a vision with an unopened can of spray paint. Some of the insults got really mean. yelling insults trevor what . Firstly, firstly, i love how that guy followed up you look like a fish monster with, and youre a terrible person laughter youre a fish monster on the inside, too calling ted cruz a fish monster isnt acceptable. The scientific term for what ted cruz looks like is Psychrolutes Marcidus or blobfish. Yes. laughter thats a real fish, people. That is a real fish. And, so, the fish is the one on the left. laughter and thats the real thing. And i feel bad for ted. But you know who i feel likely bad for . I feel really bad for . Carly fiorina i dont actually, but just for the joke, lets say i do. Shes like a passenger who boards a ship as its sinking. Speaking of sinking, this is the one time ill ask you to Pay Attention to carly fiorina. Keep watching carly fiorina. And the next president to have the United States, Ted Cruz Carly fiorina, the senator s running mate losing her footing as he was introducing the cruz family trevor thats the second time carlys dropped out of the race. audience reacts carly falling down is a little funny for me. Carly falling down at an event where ted cruz is talking about the country being at the edge of a cliff thats a bit funnier. laughter carly falling down while running a campaign against the one man who would never let that bleep go . Now were talking. She just went down she went down a long way, right . And she went down right in front of him and he was talking and he kept talking and cruz didnt do anything even i would have helped her, okay . No, its true trevor even i would have helped her even i would have helped her and shes a four at best even i would have helped her guys, were in a president ial race right now, and this is whats happening damn although if donald trump did help carly, im sure that would be the first woman over 30 hes ever tried to pick up. audience reacts applause that really was harsh. So trump was slamming cruz hard. But you know what happens when someones being bullied one too many times . They call their dad. Ted cruzs father, a minister whos been campaigning for him in th the evangelical community. I exhort every member of the body of christ to stand for the word of god and to vote for the candidate who stands for the word of god and the constitution of the United States of america and i am convinced that is my son ted cruz. Trevor wow every member of the body of christ . I would have just said, christians, please vote for ted cruz. You didnt have to go into body parts. That just made it weird i exhort the inner thigh to have the body of christ to thigh of the body of christ to vote for my son laughter then after papa cruz weighed in, it was trumps turn. The National Enquirer story about ted cruzs father rafael being pictured allegedly with Lee Harvey Oswald. Heres the whole thing, his father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to oswald being shot and nobody even brings it up. They dont even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it. There is a picture that reportedly shows rafael cruz standing with Lee Harvey Oswald. Trevor thats correct people, ted cruzs dad asked people to vote for his son and in response donald trump accused him of killing president kennedy. laughter so then backed into a corner on what could very well be his last day on the campaign trail, cruz did something he only does in the most desperate situations, he told the truth. Im going to do something i havent done for the entire campaign. Ill tell you what i really think of donald trump. This man is a pathological liar. Donald has a real problem with women. Ill tell you as the father of two young girls, the idea of our daughters coming home and repeating any word that man says horrifies me. Donald trump is a serial philanderer and boasts about it, talks about how great it is to commit adultery. Trevor thats all true but unfortunately no one will listen to what a fish monster says. If this is what you likely think of trump where were you in the past months where saying that would have mattered . Like donald trump, hes a friend of mine. I wont attack him or impugn his character. Donald trump is bringing a bold, brash voice to this president ial race trevor lying ted lying ted lying ted well be right back. Lying ted lying ted lying ted cheers and applause hey nithanks. Today. Juicy fruit . Sure ill try a piec. Juicy fruit. So sweet you cant help but chew. If rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e well be over here flowing caramel on cookie. Wouldnt it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late . all laughing theyre not that stupid. Try both. Pick a side. Twix®. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. Now, we have been talking about american politics, and sometimes its really weird, you know even when it doesnt involve ted cruzs face. laughter heres an example right now, only men have to register for the military draft. Women dont. The draft is basically, like, the worlds worst nightclub. Theres no women, you cant leave and there is definitely going to be a fight. Recently a congressman named Duncan Hunter introduce add bill that would force women to register for the draft. He didnt actually want women in the draft. He just heard people debating about it and wanted to prove no one would vote on a bill for that to happen so he introduced the bill. Thats ludicrous. Do voters know their representatives spend time on this frivolous bleep . There are politicians campaigning, like, im going to washington to propose sarcastic legislation. And people are, like, are you being sarcastic now . No. Im going to actually help you idiots. There is people doing this the weird thing, the fake bill duncan proposed sarcastically actually passed. Many of his colleagues in the House Armed Services committee thought requiring women to register for the draft is actually a good idea. While you may be offering this as a gotcha amendment, i would suggest there is great merit in recognizing that each of us have an obligation to be willing to serve our country in time of war. The House Armed Services committee backed congressman Duncan Hunters amendment by a 3233 vote. Trevor i love. This they i love this. They called his bluff so hard. Can you imagine this is how women will get drafted . We wont remember it starting this way. Maybe like with abraham lincoln, maybe he was being sarcastic. Maybe someone was like, hey, abe, you should treat your slaves bert and he was, like, huh, why dont we just set them all free . Thats a great idea yeah, i guess. laughter i understand a lot of americans are uneasy with women serving in combat because american soldiers are subjected to grueling standards. You have to run thousands of miles and stale scale walls and hold your buddys head in your lap while you scream nooooo so much goes into it. And men are stronger than women. Its just true. If anyone is sexest, its nature. They have is one who is handing stuff out. Okay, men, you get the big muscles and you will orgasm every time you have sex. Hell, sometimes you will orgasm just by accident. Thats how easy it will be for you. For the ladies, you get to push an entire human being out of your vagina. Have a good day. laughter even if women are generally stronger than women, plenty of women are up to the task of combat and no reason why they shouldnt fight. If you asked me to choose between ronda rousey and sheldon be big bang to fight for me, i choose oh, wait, shes already ripped him in half. Hes already gone. The argument i dont get is women shouldnt be in combat because it is too hard on the men . Bringing women into combat troops is going to change unit cohesiveness because sex is inevitable. When you introduce women, you introduce sexual attraction all these 20yearolds, they have wives at home and theyre there and a beautiful soldier with them in the pup tent, what do they expects going to happen . Trevor no, what do you think is going to happen . You think they will be flirting in the middle of a war . Shooting theyre everywhere give me some fire so. You come around here often . I havent seen you give me some fire heres the point. Doesnt matter whether anyone thinks women should serve in combat. They serve in combat especially all over the world and american soldiers have been fighting and dying in unofficial combat roles in afghanistan and other places. If you want to get rid of i. S. I. S. , women might be the best bet. I. S. I. S. Would run away from women fighters because they believe if they get killed by a woman, they wont go to heaven. Trevor i love that idea i dont know if its completely true but i love the idea of i. S. I. S. Dudes in trucks being, today, we fight for jihad and the glory of oh, no girls, girls, girls run away run away well be right back. cheers and applause this is smith forge. A superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. And they built this country with their bare hands. Smith forge. Hard cider the way its sposed to taste. All theres dancing and music in the dark. People are younger and better looking in the dark. See . 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Looks like tmobiles not all its cracked up to be. And now for a limited time, switch to cricket and get a 50 bill credit. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. And i cant wait to startlanta telling people how switching to geico could save them hundreds of dollars on car insurance. But first, my luggage. Ahh, there it is. Uh, excuse me, sir . I think youve got the wrong bag. Sorry, they all look alike, you know . No worries. Well, cars here, i cant save people money chatting at the baggage claim all day. Geico®. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. cheers and applause welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a former director of production for president ial events at the white house and author of the new book off script. Please welcome josh king cheers and applause trevor how are you, mr. King . Very well, trevor, how are you . Trevor i like how you have your president ial wave down. You have that really down. Lets start with a mini introduction. A lot of people dont know people like you actually exist. That didnt sound right because you werent waiting for the next part of the sentence. But you are basically the wizard of oz when it comes to when it comes to president ial campaigns. Everything we see candidates do, men like you are making them do. Yeah, trevor, except that donald trump is trying to put us out of business. Because hes so good at what he does in some ways. When i came out here, we used to have president clinton turn around to the media which would be on the balcony here and waving and getting a beautiful backdrop of the studio audience. Thats how we set up the imagery. I would be up there with photographers and i would say, mr. President , turn around and hed wave and wed get a wonderful backdrop of humanity. Trevor everything we see is designed to evoke an emotion, to showcase the candidates . We create a tablow, whether in indiana, some of the scenes you showed earlier of ted cruz. Trevor where he called it a basketball ring, that was not planned. Not plafnltd you would brief the candidate before they went on stage, it is a rim. Trevor that is a hoop. It is a rim. It is not a ring. laughter trevor in terms of the candidates looking at what they do, a lot of people dont know this, i was really intrigued by the fact there are small, spontaneous moments that are planned. For instance, hillary riding the subway. You have to plan that. Im assuming you dont plan the card not working. Someone should have told her there is a certain jen ne sais quoi, as it goes, through the swiper, and what she was doing that day up in the bronx at 161st street was to take a subway ride up two stops for an interview with matt lauer. Secret service has to bubble with her and go through the turn styles. In these days, everyone with a cell phone is a member of the press pool, so as she was swiping away, 20 cameras on her got out instantly and before she could get to matt lauer, there were 1,000 tweets about hillary at 161st street unable to get through the turnstile. Trevor you worked with the clintons before. If you were a part of this campaign, what would have you said to stem that tide . I cant remember exactly what she did, but by noon or 2 00 p. M. , she was already making jokes about it. As much as people had fun with it for that day, look, she had a great primary in new york, on her way to the nomination, i argue in some ways these photographs have less staying power now than they did back in my day and before that dukakis in the tank and clinton and bush and early obama years because before we know it, Something Else replaces it. Basketball rings come in, we forget all about 161st street with hillary. Trevor were working in the 247 news cycle. It really is. Trevor it looks like trump will be facing off against hillary. Yeah. Trevor now, hillary has shown she plays by these rules. These are the rules that you helped shes a traditional candidate. Trevor yeah. You taught him to do a lot of these things. Now hillary is realizing those things dont work anymore because she is up against the sunset. laughter how does she pivot . Is there something she can do or is it just a game of chance . Well, shes in a tough spot because she can either be completely unrestrained on the stump, and then mr. Trump will come after her for being for having an elevated tone in her voice, or she can play it the way senator and then president obama did for so many years, just the teleprompter, please, not going off script at all, then trump is after her for being too programmed. So its a very asymmetrical opponent shell face this summer and fall tits donald trump. Trevor parting words, donald trump, do you think hell change campaigns forever . If per chance ewins, id say the last third of my book is the vanilla presidency, as it describes 2009 through 2017. Trevor which is obamas not vanilla, but well, you get it. But if by any chance donald j. Trump is on the west front of the u. S. Capitol on january 2017 taking oath of office for the u. S. President , it will be anything but the vanilla presidency. Trevor im excited. Im thinking about it now. The tan presidency. Thats what well go with. Thank you, trevor. Trevor off script available now, fascinating read. Available now, fascinating read. Josh tmobile does data differently. While the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use. Now, tmobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services. Free without using one bit of your lte data. Plus, you can roll your unused data forward. Nobody does data like tmobile. Get four lines. With ten gigs of 4g lte data each. For just thirtyfive bucks per line. From tmobile. Versus the lube strip. 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Grab the cheesy double beef or the beefy crunch burrito for just a dollar. You brought em back, we made em a buck. You earned it. [sfx bong] beer never looked so refreshing. 100 natural lime flavor in a twist bottle. Bud light lime. Trevor cheers and applause that is our show for tonight. We found out donald trump crushed ted cruz. Join us tomorrow night at 11 00 when we discuss it. Now here it is, your moment of zen. In doob, once horn blowing in cuba, once hor that was well ti