Donald trump once again rewriting the political playbook by bailing from tomorrow nights republican president ial debate. Newswoman trump complained that fox moderator megyn kelly is biased against him. Fox news standing by kelly while trump walks. Trump is not used to not controlling things. The truth is, he doesnt get to control the media. Wow. Donald trump is skipping the republican president ial debate. Aw. laughter and with trump gone, the other candidates might finally be able to discuss real, substantive issues, like how much they hate each other on that stage. But it is true what megyn kelly said trump is used to controlling things. I mean, this is a man usually so in control that each morning he manages to successfully wind one extralong upperback hair around his head laughter 4,000 times. And keep it in place perfectly. That is control. So, trumps bailing on the last debate before iowa, because he doesnt like the moderator, fox newss megyn kelly. Obviously, they have history. It started at the first gop debate when last august she asked him this. Youve called women you dont like fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Your twitter account has several disparaging comments about womens looks. You once told a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. Does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president . Hell, yes, it does. laughter said millions of americans. Now, to me, this is the sort of question, tough but fair, that makes megyn kelly one of the most fearsome anchors out there. But not everyone feels that way. Its a very small element in my life megyn kelly. I dont care about megyn kelly. Im not a big fan of hers at all, i dont care. When you meet her, you realize shes not very tough and shes not very sharp. Shes a thirdrate reporter. Whoever even heard of her before the last debate . Oh, nicely done, donald trump, nicely done. Its the same way we wont call you an asshole because we, too, are constrained by political correctness. laughter . Asshole. whooping, applause now, of course, trump is entitled to his crazy opinion, but it does raise the question if he thinks megyn kelly is such a lightweight, then why is he so scared of her . I mean, seeing trump pull out of the debate is like watching one of those youtube videos where the huge dogs are too scared to walk past the cats. Youre like, yeah, why arent you doing it, dog trump . You said yourself its harmless. And the dog is like, mm, no, i cant, i just cant do it. I cant do it, i cant do it. Why are you so afraid . You know . So from one perspective, trump dropping out seems like the act of a petulant child. But i think, honestly, hes a complete genius. Because once again, ladies and gentlemen, donald trump has won the only fight that matters to him the fight for attention. Yeah. Taking part in one more debate wasnt gonna help donald trump get that much press, but blowing one off its like deflategate crossed with a Natural Disaster crossed with a celebrity sex tape. Thats. laughter why does. Does that look like its c. Anyway, uh. laughter that was weird. Imim telling you, donald trump is really one of the greatest of all time. I mean, just take a look at this press release. Announcing his decision to skip the debate. Heres how it starts. Mr. Trump knows. Imim sorry, what . Like, this sounds like a lot of unnecessary information. But a lot of people dont realize, this is just how donald trump begins everything he writes. Uh, press releases, books, personal cards. Dear susie, as someone who wrote one of the bestselling Business Books of all time and is worth many billions of dollars, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family after your tragic loss. applause so. So this great, this is great. So, theres a whole bunch of bragging, blah, blah, blah. Might do something for the troops. Not true. Whatever. Uh. And then he ends it with this. In order to make America Great again. Yeah. Because apparently, what America Needs is a president who will quit the moment things dont go his way, leaving the country in the care of his handpicked Vice President , a bar of gold wearing a Miss Universe sash. laughter, applause whooping i mean. This doesnt happen a lot, but i cant say im totally surprised. cause ive said this before, people. The giant ego, the crazy sentiments, the huge and questionable fortune, the extremely casual relationship with facts donald trump. Is basically an african dictator. Ive said this. And this. And this just confirms it. Because heres what happened just one week ago with yoweri museveni, the multibillionaire president of uganda, currently running for his fifth term. It was an eventful weekend for uganda, which held its first president ial candidate debate ahead of the polls in february. President yoweri museveni, who faces his toughest reelection in his 30 years of power, was a noshow. laughter like museveni welcome, america. laughter welcome. To my world. normal voice well be right back. cheering, applause we broabout this new car. To get your honest opinion to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. Feels like a bmw. Reminds me a little bit of like an audi. So, this car supports apple carplay. Siri, open maps. She gets me. Wow. It also has teen driver technology. It even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. Im very curious what it is. This is the 2016 chevy malibu. And it sells for . It starts at twentytwo five. What . Oh wow. I mean with all this technology. Thats a game changer. Meet jimmy. He just got his license and look at him. Hes already restoring this beast himself. Hes gets specialized tools from our free loanatool program. With our help you can always fix your car with confidence. Hoods up america. Nice. Trevor welcome back today day. Back to the daily show. Quick question, you watch movies . Audience yes. Trevor me too. My favorite movies are those with a twist. The usual suspects, sixth sense, beauty and the beast. Yes it seems like a movie about acceptance but the message is accept people for how they look, they may turn out to be very hot. To me the best movies are where you think the bad guys are going to win. Then the last second the good guys turn it around. Basically old movies. Sometimes just sometimes life imitates art. The texas grand jury making a stunning decision about planned parenthood. A surprise twist. A impassioned debate of planned parenthood and secretly recorded videos. They have been cleared of illegally selling illegal tissues instead of grand jury trevor yes i love this. U. S. A. usa audience usa trevor i love this country. A group of antiabortion activists set out to make it look like planned parenthood was doing something illegal. They were cleared and then those making the videos were indicted. Its like they took everything, they took everything. [cheers and applause] trevor do you know how not guilty you have to be for a grand jury to send your accuser to trial. [laughing] trevor grand juries only listen to the prosecutor there. Is no defense. Prosecutors have so much control they often say they could get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. Thats a common phrase. They can, unless the ham sandwich is a cop. Then thats a different story. Well, to be fare, if the sandwich has to shoot the black guy was about to eat him. [ applause ] trevor its crazy to me. How the hell did we get here . There was a time when planned parenthood crimes were a slam dunk that republican candidates bet their spots on it. No reason there should be taxpayer funding. We shouldnt fund an ongoing criminal enterprise. They cut peoples heads off in the planned parent clinics. A fully formed fetus on the table. Heartbeating and legs kicking. Skphpb says we have to keep it alive to harvest its brain. Trevor im sorry, people. Im sorry that last clip was the last one. Thats karlie fee ow fiorinas d of firing people from hp. Im sorry, my bad. A group of antiabortion activists masked themselves as buyers and tried to get planned parenthood to admit to selling fetus tissues for profit. Those videos got nominated over straight out of compton for the oscars. [cheers and applause] trevor the point is it looked like planned parenthood was screwed. Last august officials in texas convened a grand jury to investigate them this. Is where it gets really fun. A republican governor had a republican Lieutenant Governor called for a republican da to probe the republican favorite targets in a republican state. Simply put the fix was in, or so they thought. The investigation into planned parenthood backfiring now for the antiabortion group that called the clinic into question. Now why theyre the ones charged with crimes. The surprise indictment by a texas grand jury said the under cover activists broke the law when they allegedly used fake california drivers licenses and posed as buyers of fetal parts. Trevor this is so fantastic. Theyre so busted. Also you used a fake id to try and buy baby parts. Thats the most disgusting thing you can buy with a fake id other than smirnoff ice. Now always with a co controversl case there are bound to be haters. This likes what the law reference to others a run away grand jury. A grand jury doing the opposite of what the District Attorney urged them to do. Remember the da here is a republican. It looks like the grand jury went rouge here. Trevor oh, went rouge . [laughing] trevor so, according to these people apparently a run away jury doesnt do exactly what the prosecutor tells it to do. Isnt the point of a jury they get to decide. The term rouge jury is an over reach. I love the idea of a rouge jury. [laughing] trevor like a grand jury going rouge. I think it would make for a really great movie. How does the jury fine the defendant . We find the defendant planned parenthood not guilty. Thank you. This jury is dismissed. Also we find the people making the planned parenthood videos, guilty. This is unorthodox. Also we find the chairs to be uncomfortable. The bailiffs fly to be down. We find bacon to be delicious. The internet can chill out about it. Order, order. We also find the judge handsome. Ill allow it. [ applause ]r trevor we will be right back. [cheers and applause] hey there, starting your search for the ri am used car . You got it. Just say show me millions of used cars for sale at the all new carfax. Com. But, i don want one thats had a bunch of owners just say, show me cars with only one owner pretty cool its perfect. Thats the power of carfax® find the cars you want, avoid the ones you dont plus you get a free carfax® report with every listing start your used car search at carfax. Com Everyone Wants to be cthe Cadbury Bunny because only he brings delicious cadbury creme eggs. While others may keep trying, nobunny knows easter better than cadbury. [cheers and applause] trevor welcome back. My guest tonight is a comedian whose web series is called comedians in cars getting coffee. My wife is very involved. Were going out tonight. Three and a half hours. [laughing] what just happened now. Dont you do a recap with your wife. No. No recap. No. Do i the work. Do i the work. I bring home the money. I dont put it on her head. I got it. No discussion. No discuss. She will ask how was sebastian. I will say, he was great. Its a blip in the conversation. Now youre the jew and im the italian. Thats one for me. Trevor please welcome, jerry seinfeld. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] thank you. Revor oh no need to applaud. Its very sweet. Very nice. Trevor i applaud you though. In real life i dont applaud you. I feel you deserve it. Thank you. What were you going to say, i cut you off . You said you look trevor you look amazing. Thank you, you know [laughing] i like, i like two guys in suits. What is funny about comedians to me is looking normal but theyre not. These comedians now, your generation, younger people, you know just the shirt out and the you know. Its not funny. [laughing] its not funny. Trevor you say that like eddie murphy was wearing a suit when he was doing raw. I feel were the more normal generation. Who, you are . Trevor ya, we are normal. You dress normal. Trevor you say its not funny. I would never wear this normally. This is funny, to me its funny. To me a guy in a suit is funny. Trevor i wear a suit every day. Right. Trevor thank you for being here. You just got back in israel. Yes comedy in israel for the first time last movement. Trevor first time. Ya. We did four shows in this arena, the audiencees were mazing. Israelis, everything you ask them, you know is either its no problem. Its no problem. Or no, its impossible. Its impossible. There is noggin between. No problem. No problem. What if we wanted to go in the afternoon . Its impossible. Impossible. Trevor all or nothing. I am surprise you go anywhere. Youre 50 something. Im 61. [cheers and applause] trevor im struck my your age. Which you and you are going to love. [laughing] youre going to love when you get to this age. Now when people ask me to do something, i just say no. [laughing] [cheers and applause] i just say no. Trevor thats the only perk . No, no. There are many others. I dont turn around. [laughing] if im walking with someone and they go look at that and its behind me, forget it. [laughing] trevor oh, man. Im sure i have seen Something Like that or [laughing] there is one in front of me. Hi a friend, this is true. Hi a friend tell me, so im 61, i have a wife, three kids. Trevor ya. You know. So a friend told me, its not like a every day friend, a good friend i have known for a long time. Say, you know i think we have issues in our relationship. When youre in your 60s and you have youre married and have kids. I went im sure we do, lets just wrap it up. Whatever it is, im sure youre right, but im sure i was the bad person. I dont care. [laughing] lets just wrap it. Trevor in your 60s you become israeli. Impossible to turn around. Yes. Trevor just wrap it up. Comedians in cars getting coffee. A strange thing for me. You seemed to retire from everything. [laughing] trevor then in your retirement you then created a monster hit. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Trevor with your star power you could of main people come and watch it somewhere. You made it easy and put it online. Ya, i just saw the phone, you know once the smartphones happened i thought what a show for that. Its just for that. Trevor its not meant to be watched on tv . Not really. People r people are watching it on tv. I thought what about a pocket show. You know what i mean. Its like, its just two guys [laughing] sometimes a woman, theyre just talking. We compress it when you have your phone you dont want there is no, nobody wants to less work. We dont want more work. Trevor all of us as people, right . Yes. Amazon. Com, one click ordering. I saw, that i thought theyre right. Trevor dont want to click twice. I dont want it now. I dont want it. [ applause ] trevor but now i dont want it that bad. Trevor the problem i feel you are enabling. I know. Trevor you have activism because of. That people say im part of the clause, click. Ya, right. I cant solve everything. [laughing] [laughing] trevor im surprised you came to the show. I dont know what im doing here. Trevor neither do i. I know i really like you. I like you. Trevor thank you, very much, jerry i really appreciate that. [cheers and applause] we had a really cool experience. I invited trevor to be on my show before he got this gig. Trevor a lot of people dont realize that. Yes. I thought this guy is cool. I want to talk to this guy. He came on and did the show. Between that and us doing the show he gets this. Then of course everyone gets him. It was fun i caught you in that moment. It was fun to catch you in the moment. Trevor comedy timing, now were here. Were here. Trevor im going to savior this moment for a moment. Smells good in here. Trevor wonderful. Do you wear cologne . Trevor no. I thought i smelled something nice. Trevor that was me. Not the cologne. Youre suppose to say, i just had gas. [laughing] thats kid stuff. Revor thats an american joke. When you have kids thats hilarious to them. [laughing] trevor oh, man. The new season on comedians in cars getting coffee is streaming now. Comediansincarsgettingcoffee. Com jerry seinfeld, everybody. [cheers and applause] there has to be a way. Carry the centimeter, divide by 3. 14 something something something. [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad and now the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. Is that a true story . Yeah people really do save an average of over 500 when they switch. I mean about you inventing it. I invented the story, and isnt that what really matters . So. What else about me . They carry your fans passions, shouhopes, and dreamscarry pads. And maybe, a chance at greatness. Because shoulders were made for greatness. Not dandruff i was in the military for 18 years. I joined the service so i could serve my country and see the world. But i smoked. And i got heart disease. So a lot of the world i got to see looked like this. My tip is; its hard to serve your country when youre too weak to put on your uniform. announcer you can quit. For free help, call 1800quitnow. Parking is hard to find. Seems like everyone drives. And those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. Ah, perfect. Valet parking. Evening, sir. Hello heres the keys. And, uh, go easy on my ride, mate. Hm, wouldnt mind some of that beef wellington. To see how much you could save on car insurance, go to geico. Com. Ah car alarm sounds its ok this is violet. Shes been waiting for this moment for awhile. A moment other kids wouldnt think twice about. Her first bowl of cheerios. Because now that cheerios are gluten free, violet, and many others are enjoying their first bowl today. Now mother, we are settlers. Dear, why dont we switch to directv . Ive settled for cable all my life. But directv has been number one in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 15 years. We find our satisfaction elsewhere. The boy has his stick and hoop. The girl her faceless doll. And you have your cabbages. And you. Have your foot stomping. I sure do. vo dont be a settler. Get a 100 visa prepaid card when you switch to directv. Trevor thats our show, everybody. Tomorrow night, tomorrow we will be live tweeting the republican debate. Follow us on twitter thedailyshow. Here is your moment of zen. When they sent out the wise guys press released a little while ago with roger ailes. While ago with roger ailes. I said bye bye. Coming up on. Now boys and girls, last week i told you that god delivered Ariel Sharons stroke as punishment for splitting israel against gods wishes. And if we look at the bible, we can see that god also pinpointed dick clark because the lord frowned on him for making light of other peoples bloopers. I mean, thats very unchristian, and practical jokes are another violation of the golden rule. Now lou rawls was a great singer, but god preaches humility. And for lou rawls to say that youll never find another love like mine, i mean, as the bible says, there is no love like the love of christ. So that kind of arrogance from lou rawls, that does not please god. And everybody loved the time to make the doughnuts guy, but this is a man who desecrated bread of the body of christ by frosting it and frying it. I think the lord is telling us here, whoa unto him who fills the body of christ with bavarian cream. And as for mr. Miyagi from the karate kid, pat morita, he was asian. All right, now of course, as for gods next target live from new york, its saturday night [captioning provided by e networks]
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