This is the colbert report. cheers and applause stephen right there, welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen thank you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being here. Folks, i cannot tell you how much i appreciate you being here. cheers and applause folks, thank you so much. For that energy and thank you so much for being here on this quite possibly the last episode of the colbert report. Listen, i planned, i planned youre a little late. I planned on going till middecember but america might not last that long. laughter because the whole damn world is swirling down the toilet boil, which is also full of planes. laughter how both of those are possible, i dont know. Im going to say fracking. laughter but isis is putting on horrific murder videos that are so crushing to even consider. And its at dark times like this that we americans need our president to step on to the world stage and declare that america is going to hunt down the bad guys and give them a taste of what general washington used to call the old wooden groin berries. laughter yes, he also had wooden balls. A tragic cheree treechopping accident as a child. Why he and martha never had children. laughter we all know what we need to do. Why arent we declaring. Why are we not declaring war, purely so we can take the action necessary to protect us at home. Just like the administration, the pentagon is relauck tenant to use that three letter word that is spell yes, we need to declare war on whatever doocy just spelled. Hey, that spells war too. But listen, to why obama wont. We dont have a strategy yet. So what . laughter no strategy was our strategy the last time we started a war. laughter there are no surprise, folks. Professor plansanlot is once again overthinking this whole killing people thing. The white house aidee immediately telling me look, what hes saying is it is a twostep process and ultimately he wants to destroy isis. In the meantime wants to manage this threat. Twosteps. I cant wrap my brain around something as complicated as twosteps. Thats like expecting me to shake and bake. Im hungry. You just shake and start eating raw chicken. laughter and even worse, even worse is what obamas twosteps are. Its going to take time for us to be able to roll them back and it is going to take time for us to be able to form the Regional Coalition thats going to be required. Our objective is clear. And that is to declayd degrade and destroy isil. I get the destroy but how are we supposed to degrade them, hack their news selfies from i cloud . Enough with the talkie thinkie. After pearl harbor did fdr go before congress andiamer on about building trusts with allies and how tojo wasnt a true representative of the noble japanese people . No, he said it was a day that will live in infamy and he threw eleanor over his shoulder, rolled off the lincoln bedroom yelling frankie wants some pankie. Take control take control of your life, sir applause this is what we need. And it is no wonder with behavior like this its no wonder people are looking for a new leader. With netanyahu you have a man who puts a country before the world, with obama you have somebody who puts the world before the country. We get Like Netanyahu or like putin in for 48 hours. Where is our plan of action . Germanys got one. Germanys on the move. Stephen yes, there is nothing more reassuring than the phrase germanys on the move. Why cant they lead the united states. applause but there might be, folks, there might be someone even better than germans to lead america to war. In sharp contrast to president obama, british Prime Minister David Cameron getting tough on terrorism. I wish our president was showing the same leadership that David Cameron showed. Thank god for David Cameron. He actually sounded like the leader of the west. I love what David Cameron is saying. And i wish our president would say the same same thing. Stephen yes, Prime Minister David Cameron, a name synonymous with wait, thats not tony blair . Wheres tony blair . laughter last friday came here gave a speech about isis that showed hes got a stiff upper lip and even stiffer lower stack. My First Priority as Prime Minister is to make sure we do Everything Possible to keep our people safe. The root cause of this threat to our security is quite clear. It is a poisonous ideology of islamist extremist. We could be facing a terrorist state on the shores of the mediterranean. The joint Terrorism Analysis Center has increased the threat level in the United Kingdom from substantial to severe. Thats right. They have raised the Terror Threat level from substantial to severe which is just one step away from the u. K. s highest level supercalifragilisticexpialioh [bleep] cheers and applause stephen and that is no not folks thats not the only difference between these two leaders. Look at camerons suit during the speech it says power, dignity, strength. While obamas suit says im a groomsman in an august wedding. laughter but even David Cameron peals in comparison to the man i would like to see lead us, Frank Underwood from house of cards. cheers and applause folks, if you havent stolen your exgirlfriends netflix password yet Frank Underwood is a washington power player who rose to prominence through lying, scheming, backstabbing and murder. But gets things done in washington. If you combine that if you can buy into that t is a really great show. Im not the only one who is sporting serious underwood, jim. It does seem like president obama has a little bit of Frank Underwood envy. Would washington run smoother in Frank Underwood was calling the shots . Stephen yes, washington would run smoother if fictional netflix characters were in charge. I mean who, who, who, ladies and gentlemen, would dare pick a fight with House Majority whip crazy crazy eyes. applause god, how i wish Frank Underwood were president. But that cant happen because house of cards is just a tv show. cheers and applause but steven, i hate to inform you that this is also just a tv show. Stephen well, president francis underwood, i cant believe it. Please, steven, i detest for mamiits, just call me president Frank Underwood. Stephen well, it is a real honor to have you here, sir. Im a huge fan. How do you get some of done . Well, its like i always say, steven, a dog doesnt need to show its teeth as long as theres growls deep enough. His food bowl is full and he knows where all the bones are buried. laughter stephen wow. I have no [bleep] idea what that means. laughter applause but i got to tell you that, that was menacingly homespun, sir. I just hope obama was watching. Oh, im sure he is, stephen. The colbert report is tremendously influential. Its like a meet the press that people actually watch. Stephen oh, well, sir, do you watch my show. No, i havent had the pleasure. Im waiting for the whole series to be over and then im going to binge watch from episode one. cheers and applause stephen i mean youre going it to have the opportunity pretty soon because the show ends in middecember. Ah. Well, i offer you my congratulations and my condolences. What are your future plans . Stephen well, i havent really made any specific plans, but i mean you have proven that a charming south carlinian can rise quickly in washington d. C. I mean maybe i will head down there. Really . Stephen yeah. I like that idea very much. I would like to take you under my wing. Stephen really, i thought you would be threatened by my ambition. No, no, nothing like that. In fact, i would love to give you my special tour of d. C. Just take the last train down, ill meet you on the edge of the platform. Stephen well, that sounds great. Ill meet you the very next day after the shows over. Its a date. And stephen, for reasons of security f anyone asks where you are going, just say to commit suicide. Stephen got it mums the word, thank you, sir, ill see you then, president Frank Underwood, everybody. Were going to be friends. Well be right back. ch as a student at devry university, a Business Career was my goal. My professors guidance, helped me find career success. At microsoft get started now, with our 20,000 merit based career catalyst scholarship. Classes start october 27. Visit devry. Edu you look you exercise. Crossing. You choose the salad. Occasionally. But when it comes to staying well, physically, financially, emotionally, going it alone is hard. Really hard. Having Health Insurance just isnt enough. You need a partner. Like cigna. Cigna has your back, and your knees 24 7. In sickness and in health. Through good times and crunch times. Were there when you have questions. Or when you need a little coaching. Were there to help you get well, and stay well. Going through life knowing were right there with you. Thats having a partner, whos with you all the way. Cigna. Hey hey, baby. [ starts car ] were you eating smoked sausage in here . No no. Could have gotten me one. I did. Add some spice to your day with dunkins spicy smoked sausage breakfast sandwich. The smoked sausage you crave, now spicy. Grab one today. America runs on dunkin. Start your morning spicy hurry in today for a spicy smoked sausage breakfast sandwich. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Nation, thanks so much. Folks, i dont have to tell you its no surprise we all know, we all know that air travel is terrible. Flights are always late, they cut the sex scenes from the movies. And the seat belts are nowhere near long enough to hang yourself. laughter and things are only getting worse. As planes have become more packed, Flight Attendants say they have noticed an increase in the number of incidents involving unruley passengers. A woman knitting decided to recline her seat. A woman hine her was trying to sleep and she had her head on a tray table. According to passengers she started screaming and swearing. Last night on the American Airlines jet from miami to paris, a man fought with a passenger seated in front of him, he says because his legs hurt from diabetes. A Flight Attendant tried to calm the man who reportedly became more irate and grabbed at tend ant by the arm that is when air marshals broke their cover. Stephen thats right, armed marshals are now poised to subdue the disgruntled. Making the four seating classes now first, business, economy and the hunger games. laughter and in the battle for leg room, the weapons are getting more and more sophisticated. The two passengers in middle seats in economy plus, those are the seats you pay extra for a bit more leg room. The man in 12 b using what is called a knee defender on the seat back in front of him. Those brackets placed on the tray table keep the seat in front from reclining. That meant the woman in 11 b could not lean back and she was not happy. An argument over personal space until she reportedly took a coup of water, throwing it into the face of the man behind her. Stephen i dont know why she didnt just change seats. They were the only two people on the plane. laughter nation, this is a trend. This is a trend across all major airlines. As Airline Weekly put it, quote, densification is a major trend in the industry now. And when theres major densification you can expect a little punchification. Some shoutening and eventually someone is going to get stabulated. But let me assure new is happening for the best possible reasons, flyers in the back of the plane are getting squeezed to give passengers in first and Business Class more room. Now it might seem unfair, but this is the natural order of things as explained by this representative from united airlines. I belong to the front. You belong to the tail. Keep your place. Stephen and no, you may not have a whole can of apple juice. I say that airlines have to do more to turn coach conflicts into entertainment for us wealthy flyers. Why are we not getting a live feed of these aisle fights for our personal plasma screens . Forget that dinky knee defender, lets strap some razors on those elbows and major on these people like they from gamecocks, my money is on the guy in 16 a. Somebody hut business bag in the his overhood ben, he has the look of a kill. They can pack more people back there. A saw a revolutionary new seating design. Not only you can pack twice as many people into coach, you can fill the cargo hold with spices and molasses to bring back from the colonis. Well be right back. cheers and applause music plays music plays and i looked up. I was like woah my hair is thinning it came as kind of a shock. But using rogaine® foam actually worked. My hair looks thicker, fuller, and im feeling much better because of it. Mens rogaine® has definitely made a difference. Coors light answers. When cold refreshment calls. And im feeling much better because of it. Frost brewed coors light. The worlds most refreshing beer. Tmobiles network has more data capacity than verizon or at t. Its a network designed differently. A Network Designed Data strong. Its a place youve been before, but its not on any map. So go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. Were all born wild. Lets keep it that way. The 2014 4runner. Toyota. Lets go places. Hey, well come back, everybody, my guest tonight is a gives Scientific Answers to hypothetical questions, please welcome randall monroe. cheers and applause hey, mr. Monroe, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you. Good to see you. All right. Now for those of you who may not know mr. Monroe here, you are a awardwinning creator of xkcd. Okay. That is a all the hip kids know its a sixfigure comic strip read by millions of people every week. Lets settle the first thing. Why is it called kkc, done. I kept picking different names based on what i was interested in things to set up an internet account. I got tired of being skywalker 4 and eventually wanted to pick something that had no meaning at all so i wouldnt get tired of it. Stephen but now it means you. Now xkcd means you. Yeah, i sort of ruined that. laughter stephen okay. The style of your strip is one of the same time very basic but also very unique. Lets show them example of yourself portrait. laughter all right. What, why . Is this the best you can draw or do you just not want to waste time on it . Drawing is really hard. laughter stephen i understand. I understand but you have chose tone do it for a living. Now you do extraordinary things with this strip. And you have taken that extraordinary thing and made it into a book now. Its called what if serious Scientific Answers to absurd hypothetical questions. All right. This is the sort of thing you will sometimes do in the strip. You will explain something complicated with your drawings. And in the simplist possible scientific mathematical or philosophical way. What are some of the things youre trying to explain in this book . One of the first questions people ask is what would happen if you try to hit a baseball pitched at 90 of the speed of light. What would happen . A lot of stuff happens. It happens really quickly. And not a lot of people get out alive. Stephen like theres a fireball that incinerates the pitcher, right. Yeah, the ball fuses with the air in front of if. And you get a shell of xrays that sweeps out and it starts disintegrating the batter and the catcher and also the pitcher. The pitcher is the first to go. And a lot of the examples you have in this books eng up with people, places or planets being destroyed. Why do those, why are those the kind of questions that appeal to you most . I dont really know. People seem to like to ask questions that would have that as a consequence. But i feel like we spent a lot of time millions of hours collectively watching gifts of people walking into screen doors and falling off of things. So it seems like not a surprise that people would want to see an entire planet crash into something or blow up. We dually hit you with a couple questions beforehand here. I wonder if you have had a moment to think about these. Take a stab. These are some that we posed to you before you came here tonight. How much does canada weigh . Blaf laugh. So and were talking all the way down to the core or just. Stephen just the canada part. Just the surface part. Stephen inhabitable mantle. If you take a slice thats the whole thing, it would be Something Like 10 to the 23rd kilogram. The whole rert is something to the 24th. Stephen i was very close. I had 10 to 292nd. Yeah, but. Stephen right there, okay. But. Stephen all right, thats good enough. I know you dont mean to educate us. But could you incidentally through humor and through your drawing, could you incidentally educate like quides about science and math . Yeah, well thats actually how i got started doing this was i taught a class at mit for a weekend and they have a program where you can come in and teach a bunch of Highschool Students on any subject youre interested in. Theres no like checking credentials or anything. And so. Stephen really, and they just trust high School Aged Children with men who come in with no credentials. Yeah, i had a couple friends teaching class, one doing operating system design, another root beer taste. And i said i will teach a class on the fisks of energy. Because that was something i had been studying and thinking about a lot at that time. And so i did, and i had never done a lecture before. So i started walking these kids through, you know, all of the equations i learned. I tried to make it interesting, but like by the first hour i could tell they werent really, they werent really with me. I recognized the bored expressions, because ive been that institute so many times. So i student to many times so i pulled out an example and started analyzing star trek. laughter so i started i started analyzing Science Fiction scenes. Sow i said yoda when he pulls the out of the swamp in the Empire Strikes bag, you know, theres a certain amount of energy being used there. Stephen no, a certain amount of force is being used there, i hate to correct you. Right, well. Stephen randall, thank you so much for joining me. Thank you. Stephen randol monroe, the book is what if. Well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause no could have gotten me one. I did. Grab a spicy smoked sausage breakfast sandwich. Its the smoked sausage you crave, now spicy. But do you know whats ine your skincare . Neutrogena naturals. A line of nutrientrich skincare with pure, naturally derived ingredients, carefully chosen and clinically proven to cleanse, purify and moisturize. And youll never find any harsh chemical sulfates, parabens or unnecessary additives. Healthy skinstarts from within. Neutrogena naturals. Learn more at neutrogenanaturals. Com. You look you exercise. Crossing. You choose the salad. Occasionally. But when it comes to staying well, physically, financially, emotionally, going it alone is hard. Really hard. Having Health Insurance just isnt enough. You need a partner. Like cigna. Cigna has your back, and your knees 24 7. In sickness and in health. Through good times and crunch times. Were there when you have questions. Or when you need a little coaching. Were there to help you get well, and stay well. Going through life knowing were right there with you. Thats having a partner, whos with you all the way. Cigna. Stephen thats it for the report, ever, good night. From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Thank you for being here. My guest tonight, ramita navai. She is the author of city of lies. I dont want the give anything away, but it turns out everybody
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