Things off with a hot shot, a pick me up from what i like to call Stephen Colberts smile file. Tonight on the smile file tyrannical north korean dictator kim jungun. Folks, this mad man lives a constant state of stern disapproval. But even before he came to power young un made no time for frivolity. Just listen to this actual cnn interview with his old border schoolroom mate from switzerland. Did you go out in the night, you never go out, on disco or make party, never. Stephen thats right, he not even as a teen he never go out on disco or make party. I bet he never even go out on movie or night bowling. So sad. But folks, it turns out that kim jungun just might be kim jung fun. Because north korean state media our all bina cecum cumber leader has released new photos of the dear leader touring an industrial lubricant factory. I mean just look at that smile i have never seen him or anyone, really, so transported by the pure joy of lube. laughter nothing puts a grin on that machines face like extruded semi solids. I dont know item guy next to him is such a sour pus. I mean he gets to spend 16 hours a day watching that lube. laughter it sure is nice to see un finally let his hair down. Hes usually so serious when hes looking at things. Things like fruit. Mattresses. Accordions, churos, water slides, regular slides, flooring options and where they threw his uncles body. applause but none none of those none of those has brought him the simple life affirming pleasure of lube. And i get it, i also enjoy watching nondiscent viscous goo being force threw a tube. Coy spend hours at the soft serve pump. And uns not just smiling from chin to chin over a single lube ejecter, hes smiling all through the lubricant factory from the lube loading floor to the state of the art lube command deck where the latest nanotechnology and advanced supercomputers are harnessed to insurance that lube go through tube. And this factory is a happy place for kim jungun for a very personal reason. It represents the completion of his fathers kim jung ils vision. Because according to state reports un said with deep emotion i feel very sorry for failing it to show him this modern spend did factory even once. This factory is a posthumous one. I mean, that gets you right in the lube pump. He and his father shared a love of slavemade lube. Dont we all. And thats the smile file. applause everybody happy . cheers and applause stephen all right. Thank you, kim jungun. Nation, 2015 is right around the corner and you know what that means, another leap year. Thats a whole extra day to stock up on canned goods and kerosene. But 2016 will also bring the next president ial lex and im a summer for political dynasty, my current favorite one is the libertarian paul family. Theres poppa ron, son rand and of course cousin ru. Laugh 4r56 who laughter who has a strong who has a strong conservative message. laughter you better work. applause stephen you, a clear call toned the welfare state. Now we all know at the senator paul has been appealing to minority notes using a radical strategy of being appealing. So what i would have said is people who seek the American Dream are not bad people. Some people perceive it that way and thats a perception we do have to change. Im for a very expansive work visa. If you want to come to our country or one of 191 million that are here, im for giving awe a work visa. The doors to the going to open up to the Africanamerican Community or Hispanic Community until we have something to offer. Stephen hes right. Republicans have to offer his panning and African Americans something. For instance, anything. laughter but to win the nomination paul still needs conservative voters. And theres solutions to immigration range from deportation to blue trap. So to balance his pro minority talk paul has been appearing with conservative iowa congressman and man with a section of his base am youre not allowed into, steve king. Now dont go there. applause stephen dont do it, dont do it. You dont want to go. Unfortunately, their Campaign Stops havent all been for that i smile. Earlier this week they sat down for a nice juicy burger only to be ambushed by pro immigration activists. Watch how swiftly senator paul reacts. Were looking for a great crowd so im glad i am actually a green and originally from mexico. But i been raised here. I graduated from Arizona State university. And i know you want to get rid of doya. And just like that, hes gone. And yes, as soon as he heard the word mexican senator paul sped off like a Central American death train but he clearly cares about the hispanic outreach, afterall he want out of his way to dress like a pinata. laughter naturally cheers and applause stephen naturally the lamestream media is accusing rand of sidestepping a potentially damaging political confrontation but that is wrong. He was not sidestepping, he was awayrunning. And de it for a very good reason. President ial candidates have to stay in shape. And i am thrilled that tonight senator paul is making available to you his one weird secret to reducing your belly fat, jim . Ness hiing im Steven Stephen colbert. Are you fed up with being fat, secretary and tired of being beefy. Discontented with your corpulence. Then ive got an answer for you. The rand pauleo diet. Yes, the rand pauleo diet, the only weight loss system scientifically developed by a selflicensed opt thal moll gist. Its just three easy steps to deregulating your waistline. Step one, want to be president. Step two, eat anything you want. Burgers, pizza, even ice cream. Step 3, we send a mexican to show up to your meal. I promise no matter how good that food looks, you will burst into a hearthealthy run. I mean just look at the results. Heres rand paul before, and here he is after. The pounds the pounds have just melted away. And unlike those other weight loss plans, the rand pauleo diet, you wont have to suffer with those bad tasting prepackaged foods. You eat what you want until we send you an undocumented immigrant right to your home. It turns out theyre cheaper to ship than food. And you can still eat at your favorite restaurant because its a damn good chance a weight loss mexican already works there. So order the rand pauleo diet today and you could take off pounds without taking on the tough questions. Well be right back. applause student i dont want to just be a student, i want to do it all. Blue shirt well you can with these 2in1s. They have a powerful intel processor inside which allows them to be both a laptop and a tablet. Student and lightning. Fencing coach see right here, youve got to make the attack. Vo save 100 on select hp 2in1s. Best buy americas back to school techfitter. Remind me to tell her happy anniversary. [ cortana ] next time you talk to caroline, ill remind you. [ siri ] oh no, i cannot do that. Oh, and remind me to get roses when im near any flower shop. Sure thing. Remind you when you get to flower shop. I cant do that either. Cortana, its gonna be a great night. [ beep ] oh wow thanks for the traffic alert. I better get going. Now that is a smart phone. Oh, wait its cause you make me smile do you really think brushing is enough to keep it clean . While brushing misses germs in 75 of your mouth, listerine® cleans virtually your entire mouth. So take your oral health to a whole new level. Listerin®. Power to your mouth™. So take your oral health to a whole new level. It only happens once a year. Clearance event, super fun. Of course you can get a great deal. Hold on. 0 apr financing on a bunch of models. Annual and its right now. Theyre having fun. You can get all kinds of deals. Come on down. Yeah, you better hurry in. You tellem jan sent you. During toyotas annual clearance event, get 0 apr financing for 60 months on a 2014. 5 camry. Offer ends september 2nd. For great deals on other toyotas, visit toyota. Com thanks jan. Ooh i got it. Toyota, lets go places. These wifi hotspots we get with our Xfinity Internet Service are all over the place. Hey you can stop looking. I found one. See . What do you think a wifi hotspot smells like . Im thinking roast beef. Want to get lunch . Get the fastest wifi hotspots and more coverage on the go than any other provider. Xfinity, the future of awesome. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, you know, as a professional newsman im always looking for invasions in journalism. From the futuristic newsdesk of is help smith to the 3d environment of wolf blitz ter to whatever Aluminum Alloy anderson coop certificate skull ing from. Today i saw a troubling glimpse of broadcasting future and like most troubling things i saw it at a county fair. What did you think about the ride. It was great, and apparently, ive never been on Live Television before. But apparently sometimes i dont watch i dont watch the news, because im a kid and apparently every time, apparently grandpa just gives me the remote after we watch ot powerball. And ive never, ever been on Live Television. I never ever been on Live Television. Are you excited. Yeah, and apparently i already went down the superslide. I went down, i was scared half to death. Oh my god cheers and applause stephen this kid is a naturalborn newsman. I mean hes already breaking the story of how the superslide is half death scaring our children. And folks, you wouldnt know it from that interview but apparently this child has never been on Live Television before. Now i already announced this spring that i was ending this show. But i havent fully explained why. I know, i know, thats how i feel when i look in the mirror. One reason im ending the show is that when i called comcast to get out of my cable subscription t turned tout was easier for me just to get out of cable all together. But now cheers and applause stephen but now i finally, a huge comcast fan here. But now ive got an even better reason. News anchor babies like this are breathing down my neck. At 5 years old hes already got the sin sit of ed war r murrow, the reassuring gaze of walter concrete and more gravitas than steve doocy. And hes already established the word apparently as his catchphrase. That is the sort of senseless repetition that marks a real news legend like sean hannity. We were at another iron dome location, remember theres nine of them that literally cover the entire state of israel, literally we heard an iron dome go off, we literally went to the border, literally if you are 5, 10 you could walk in that tinl. I literally walked down a slope. I literally walked. Lit reallyly. Literally. Literally behind me. Stephen apparently cheers and applause apparently that fiveyearold child could replace sean hannity. Literally. laughter well be right back. Well be right back. cheers and applause you want to save money on Car Insurance . No problem. You want to save money on rv insurance . No problem. You want to save money on motorcycle insurance . No problem. You want to find a place to park all these things . Fuggedaboud it. This is new york. Hey little guy, wake up aw, come off it mate geico. Saving people money on more than just Car Insurance. Caman thanks, captain obvious. Wouldnt stay here tonight. Captain obvious id get a deal for tonight with deals for tonight from hotels. Com. And you might want to get that pipe fixed. The ca illac summer collection is here. During the cadillac summers best event, lease this 2014 ats for around 299 a month and make this the summer of style. Am rich. My Social Circle includes captains of industry, former secretaries of state, oil tycoons, and ambassadors of countries known for their fine cheeses. Yes i am rich. Thats why i drink the champagne of beers. Get 4 lines for just a hundred at tbucks. t . With unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. So much for at ts best ever family pricing. Tmobiles got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. Up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to tmobile. Well even buy you out of your Service Contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. These wifi hotspots we get with our Xfinity Internet Service are all over the place. Hey you can stop looking. I found one. See . What do you think a wifi hotspot smells like . Im thinking roast beef. Want to get lunch . Get the fastest wifi hotspots and more coverage on the go than any other provider. Xfinity, the future of awesome. Stephen welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight played young magneto in the xmen movies. Please welcome michael fassbender. Michael thank you so much for coming. Thanks for coming on. Im a big fan, obviously the audience is too. cheers and applause now oscar nominated actor some of your films include inglorious was turds, shame, 12 years a slave, xmen movies. Your new film frank opens in select cities august 15th and nationwide august 29th. How much of this movie is mutant robo nazi hunting. Tell the good people what the movie is about. Basically its about this character john played by Donald Gleason who gets introduced to this band which is a very sort of avantgarde sort of misfit group of people playing music with various things from a toothbrush to a straw to a piece of corrugated iron. John is a very ambitious but lacking in talent in terms of a musician. Stephen i have met him. Yes, back there. And the rest of the band are talented but without ambition. And it is sort of how they journally. Stephen and in comes frank who he has something none of them have which is a giant paper mache head. Yes. Stephen lets show the people what people are talking about here because there is no explaining. Can i ask you something. Sure. Why do you wear that . You think its weird . Kind of. Well, normal faces are weird too, so the way theyre smooth, smooth, smooth, and then blah, you know, all bumpy and holes. I mean what are eyes like, like a science fiction, dont get me started on lips. Like a very serious wound. Thats true am but your head is still sort of intimidating. Underneath im giving you a welcoming smile. applause stephen what does it like 98 of the movie youve got that on your head. Yeah. Stephen okay. Was that liberating or was that confining as an acker . What do you get from that . Thats better than not seeing that face. Well, you get the lie in the morning, take many days off, really because im under the head for most of it and just had to come in for the last scene. Stephen oscar wildee said if he wants to get the truth from a man give him a mask. Yeah. Stephen okay, so what truth can you as an acker tell with a mask that you cant tell with your face . Thats a good point. Stephen thank you, we dont even have to go on, i guess. I like hear ug say that i made a good point. I mean for me i wanted i wanted to take the head with me and do all jobs with the head. It is very sort of liberating, i suppose, if youve gone to you know, halloween or a fancy dress party or anything and you wear a mask, its quite liberating because you feel kind of invincible. People dont know who you are. Stephen do you go to fancy dress parties with a mask on. I like to. Stephen and eyes wide shut today. Nice. Can you hook a brother up while youre in town. Theres one tonight. Stephen really, out on long island . Send me an invitation. Did you want to be a musician. You are an acker. You get to be a muss ig. You actually have a band. You guys are going to play here in a second. cheers and applause its incredible too, the band, ats not just any band, it its maggie gyllenhaal, i mean do all actors secretly want to be musicians the way musicians all secretly want to be high . laughter i think so. Stephen did you want to be a musician. I want to be high. laughter stephen well ill tell you what, stick around, do the song and take us higher. Thank you so much. The movie is Frank Michael fassbender. Well be right back with a well be right back with a performance by soronprjbs. Miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. This lead to fewer guys with beer bellies. Which lead to more women attracted to those guys. Which lead to dates, second dates, wedding bells and honeymoons. Which lead to hubbadahubbada boom which lead to you. Miller lite we invented lite beer and you. Youre welcome. Our most stretchable sheer bandage ever. Theyre 50 more stretchable, so they fit snug to protect even tough spots from dirt and germs. cause bandaid stretches with me [ female announcer ] new from bandaid brand. Buy 3 Johnson Johnson first aid products and get a free bag. Remind me to tell her happy anniversary. [ cortana ] next time you talk to caroline, ill remind you. [ siri ] oh no, i cannot do that. Oh, and remind me to get roses when im near any flower shop. Sure thing. Remind you when you get to flower shop. I cant do that either. Cortana, its gonna be a great night. [ beep ] oh wow thanks for the traffic alert. I better get going. Now that is a smart phone. Oh, wait its cause you make me smile oh, wait introducing Olive Gardens tuscstart with our unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks for 6. 99, then make it a trio by adding 1 of 9 irresistible sides, like our creamy fettuccine alfredo for 2. 99. Tuscan trios lunch at olive garden. For danger, risk and potential fugitive status. Obedience will be discouraged. Impatience rewarded. Impossible odds, inevitable. Hostility . Probable. Anonymity . Unlikely. Calling all those who follow their instincts. Because when we are at our most primal. We are forever faster. Stephen here to play their hit single i love you all available on itunes, michael as if bendser, maggie, carlos and fran choice fransois. Ladies and gentlemen, the soronprjbs. El madrid its nice to see ya its really nice to be here i love your wall stale beer, fat no audio , cowpoked, smokedout, sequined mountain ladies i love you all put your arms around me, fiddley digits, itchey britches i love you all i love you all i love you all i love you all the washrooms smell, they could be cleaner stench of cigarettes and stale urea i love you all the prodigal son, just wants to return to where the dogs play pool i love you all i love you all i love you all i love you all i love you all i love you all i love you all i love you all cheers and applause stephen whooo, maggie, carla, donald, michael as if bendser frank opens in select cities on august 16th nationwide, august 29th nationwide, good night dheers dheers cheers and applause im goin down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im goin down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine
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