Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140626

Large swaths of iraq and syria, but now they have invaded hashtagistan. Jim. Its clear in terms of the social media Competition Among terrorists, this group is winning. All around the world supporters of the group are tweeting with the hashtag alleyesonisi. Stephen oh, e on instagram. They have one filter to make all the photos seem like theyre from the 1970s, and another filter that makes all their ideas seem like theyre from the seventh century. Watch out for this, folks pap because they are deviously picky backing on twitter. Trends. To spread their message sharing proisis content with the hashtag worldcup2014. Watch for that. Do not click on any twitter from isis that says check out this amazing header, because its not soccer. cheers and applause . laughter isis is eve even tmobilizing tr followers. Its perfect for any mooug who n playing fruit extremists. Fortunately, there is a surefire way to destroy anything becoming popular on social media. We must get isis moms on join. Im happy to say, we have acquired a recording of a phone call intercepted by the n. S. A. Of what i would like this to sound like. phone ringing . Hello. Hi, honey so how are things kcallafinate. Its caliphate, mom. Dont fatronnize me. I know what aicalafinate is. Its what your grandfather has to use to pee. Its very painful. You should called him. He would love to hear from you. Mom. I was just looking at my friend lindas facebook page. Apparently lindas son executed 15 people of one of them was a doctor. Well, thats good for lindas son. I instagrammed you. Did you get it. You dont you dont instagram notes. It says, death to america, love mom. You dont have to sign everything love mom. My friends see that. Oh, okay. sighs . Im sorry, i love you, too. I know, sweetie dont forget. Your sisters birthday is on sunday. Wear a nice suicide vest. Bbye good luck with the califinate. Stephen middle east, solved. Folks, i believe there are two sides to every story mine and the other one i have. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. Folks, anybody who upons me knows i love prescription drugs. I love how powerful they are. I love how interchangeable their bottles like. Its like playing endocrine are you let. And i love the First Amendment which is why im giving a wag of the fing toart f. D. A. The f. D. A. Is proposing new guidelines for drug industry postings on social media. Drug companies posting information on twitter, for example, would have to include the benefits and main risks. Stephen sorry, young, hip, twitter users. Youre going to have to go some place else to learn the dopest news about boniva. Osteoperosis is whacko. Under the new guidelines, big pharma tweet will now have to include all side effects and warnings printed on the product label. Oh, come on theres no way that pfizer could tell all their followers all the side effects for vooig i i haven just 140 characters. It has nine side effects including permanent damage to the penis, loss of sight, and loss of hearing. That is scary stuff. I for one do not know what i would do if my penis went blind and deaf. cheers and applause . It would have to get a service dog. laughter well, as always, i am here to help the drug companies. Theres a very simple way to treat your drugs complex side effects emojis. Emojis can cover every possible side effect. For depression, just tweet a frowny face. Risk of cardiac arrest, a broken heart. Emojis can also tell people to avoid the drug if theyre bipolar. Or that Clinical Trials cause blindness in monkies. And most importantly, if theres a risk of gen till purpling. Huge side effect fans here tonight. laughter next up, folks, summertime is upon us, and that means everyone is working to perfect their swimsuit body. And for those of white house have already accepted their swimsuit body, summer also means ice cream. Now a radical change at ben jerry has me so outraged that i scream, you scream, we all scream at ice cream. Ben jerry is hoping customers will appreciate what is not going into their ice cream. According to the burlington press, ben jerrys is switching to nong. M. O. Ingredients, which means some of the Favorite Recipes will be changed. Gemetically modified organisms are plant or animals with d. N. A. That have been changed. Stephen ben jerry is getting rid of all g. M. O. O which means the end of the island of dr. Morrorio. Their rash decision is a direct threat to my ice cream, because in a recent interview and jerry was asked, what, is your favorite ice cream flavor . And he said ben ben jerrys americone dream. cheers and applause excuse me. Excuse me ben jerrys americone dream. Check the label. Its Stephen Colberts americone dream. cheers and applause . They have cut out the most important ingredient of all me. Which can only mean i must be a genetically modified organism. I mean, it makes sense. I am highly resistant to aphids and and and im roundup ready. cheers and applause kids, kids, dont try that at home unless your parents bought you from monsanto. You know what . This cures this cures gen till purpling. Well be right back. Break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. About bending the rules. Now i have the tools that bend them even further. Somewhere in the world, a massive wave is waiting to be found. With technology this versatile, finding it is easy. Dropping in, thats another story. Ancr help ian discover a monster wave with the hp pavilion x360. Andy williams singing its the most wonderful tim] its the most wonderful time. Of th ding dong. Ding dong. With those holiday greetings. And gay happy meetings when. Friends come to call. Its the most wonderful time. Yes the most wonderful time. Of the year . You have to leave the couch to believe. Seize the summer with up to 40 off hotels from travelocity. Whafrom small steps. Made from . Giant leaps. Big ideas. And sharp minds. All the things that make a born maker, made this. A car with swagger. Intelligence. Soul. A car that proves a wellmade sedan doesnt have to cross an ocean to be worthy of the american road. The allnew chrysler 200. Americas import. How can you see yourself in new glasswithout your glasses . At lenscrafters, our unique camera and screen system lets you compare yourself in four different frames at time. Making sure all your vision choices are clear. Lenscrafters loves eyes yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple. Your taste buds dancing. Its the jolly rancher, we make it happen. Untamed fruit flavor. Jolly rancher. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. Thank you so much. Folks, i love new york city. People are just cheers and applause listen to that. People are so friendly here. You can go out on the street and day, stick out your arm, and someone will give you a ride for free. And then when you get out of the car, they shout goodbye to you in their strange and angry language. But sadly, nowhere is Big Government more intrusive than the big apple. You think you can force me into alternate sideofthestreet . Guess what, coppers . You can keep my car, and good luck finding a place to park it. Well, now the overreach has reached too over as the New York Post reports, state legislators have passed a bill banning people for posing for photos while hugging, patting, or otherwise touching tigers. You heard that right new york wants to make it illegal to take a tiger selfie. A clear infringement on our freedom of speech. That speech . The flash is off, right . Oh, god no also being done in the name of increasing safety at traveling circuses and county fairs oh, for petes sake who wants safety at the county fair you go there to fill up on fried nitrates and strap your children into a right operated by methaddled teens. Youd be safer if the tiger was running the tiltawhirl. I have been warning this is coming since 20s 10. Mark my words, folks. Next theyll be banning people from taking photos while patting, hugging, or otherwise touching panters. So close. So close. I dont know why applause i dont know why i ever lost that beard. Of course, the biggest victim of this plan are, as usual in obamas america, guys trying to get laid. Tiger selfies a big trend on a dating app. The tiger selfie is a growint on tinder, for example. Stephen it shows youre spontaneous and dont overthink things. Now, how will guys show their fun and adventures on dating sites without Tiger Selfies . Its either that or photos of you rock climbing or if youre really cool, doing both. laughter it is already it is already hard enough for guys to look cool and dangerous in new york after mayor bloomberg took away our cigarettes, took away our guns and took away our big gulps. Ladies, you know what they say about a guy with a big gulp hes probably also got a big risk of diabetes. And like it or not, folks, like it or not, Tiger Selfies are not some pazzing fad. In fact, tinder users estimate they find tigers in one out of every 10 profile theyve used one in 10 i had no idea there were that many tykers still left out there. Thats actually great news sprip got to imagine that just market forces, the obvious boon in the tiger population is because they now serve some marketable purpose. This is how endangered species can save themselveses by helping us get laid. Sorry, dodo, but your terrible wings made you a terrible wingman. You had to go. And tonight im call on the brommunity to photograph themselves with as many endangered species as possible to find out if that animal attracts women. laughter im talking about the noble snow leopard. The breathtaking blue whale. The majestic santa cruz longtoed salamander. I just hope were not too late to save the western black rhino. By the way, this episode of the the colbert report is dedicated to our friend, phil hildebrand. Paul worked in the graphics department, and he could have just photo shopped that, but he wanted to get it just right. And and because i told him to. laughter i want his family to know that he died with a smile on my face. laughter he will be missed. applause well be right back. Touch down. Every morning. Ten times not just. Now and then. Once more on the rise. Nuts to the flabby guys go, you chicken fat, go away go, you chicken fat, go run, two, run running like a tortoise okay too far, and too slow. now double up, ready run two three four. running run two three four. like a hare run two three four. Ow you are run two three four. Etting there n two three four. O you are run two three four. N two three four. chicken fat, n twerybody sing . O away re , you chicken fat, go go go go dismissed use these innertubes in the so, youre sapool . We cant sorry, sir. Its hotel policy. Is it really hotel policy . Im afraid so, sir. Do it. How about now . Woohoo i deserve this. You deserve to be fired. Full flavors, full shapes. Cheetos mixups. cheers and applause . Stephen my dpeft tonight plays a drug addicted nurse. I will interview her provided she can past a urine test. Please welcome edie falco cheers and applause hey good to see you. Thanks for coming on. What a pleasure to have you on. Its a pleasure to be here. Thank you. Stephen weve been wanting to have you on for a long time. For those who tonight know you were the only actress to win an enemy in both the dramatic and comedy categories. You won three for, obviously, your work as carmela on the sopranos. And one for nurse jackie, on showtime, season 6 finale on sunday at 9 00 p. M. Your character is addicted to percocet, vicodin, adderall, and oxycontin. Right. Stephen how Much Research did you have to do to get ready for that . I take my work very seriously, so im, as we speak, doing research. Stephen okay, good. cheers and applause . After six years of playing a nurse, do you ever say to yourself, i could fake my way through a shift . Do you think you could go into a hospital and kind of bleep for the first stix hours. Not a chance. Stephen just yell the word stat. No, i get more nervous now because people think i can do something. I run in the other as quickly as possible. Stephen do nurses ever come up to you and say, yeah, that feels right to me. You get it right. Thats what its like. Those are the ones who talk to me. The ones who dont talk to me dont feel that way. Stephen in season 1, the show was protested by the new York State Nurses Association because your character had no qualms about repeatedly violating the nursing code of ethics. Do they not know how acting works . I stay so far out of that stuff, you have no idea. I only hear about it when somebody tells me about it. Its not an argument i want to get into. Its a story about a pretend lady. Stephen it is a prevent lady. laughter . A very nice lady. Stephen yeah. Trub gld why do you some would say pretend. I like to think of actors as liars. Why do you lie for a living . Why are you an actress . Well, i spent many years practicinpracticing that particl as well, as i upon right now. laughter cheers and applause stephen no, no, i like, that i like that. So youre a liar. A little bit. Stephen arent we all, though . Kind of, right. Stephen its lovely to have you here. laughter applause i think that might have been a lie. Stephen no, not at all. You have been very pope you have you have been very open about your own sobriety expwe your own recovery. Is playing nurse jackie, is it tempting to abuse again when youre playing somebody who is abusing or is it just a reminder to never touch it again. Im lucky in that its the second of those two things. It makes me so glad that im not doing anything like that anymore. You get to remember what it felt like to be all mixed up in that chaos and that kind of polluted head and confused state all the time, where its sort of a way of life. Stephen so it actually helps . It totally helps. Absolutely. I dont know i could say its that way for everybody, but it is that way for me. Stephen when im dieting, i like to bake for other people. Its almost like that. I know a lot of sober bartenders. Stephen really. I totally get it. Drink this one. Drink this one. Its really good. Stephen do like to say its a little crunchy . When you played caramel awhy do you think so many people nurse jackie does not make addiction look good. These not like keith richards. She does not make it look good. But carmela isa i beloved matriarch, one of the most beloved of any matriarch in a tv show. Why do you think people loved her so much when she knew her husband was killing people and dumping them in the river and she did nothing to stop to them . Very complicated that. Im not the write, so i dont really know. She was devoted to the things a mother should be devoted to her children, her husband, her family and was living in this giant denial head. Thats as much as i can explain it sort of an intellectual brain. The whole thing made sense to me when i was doing it. I just thought she loved her husband. Stephen heres something that makes sense, the ending of the sopranos. I have a guess that nurse jackie is carmela in the witness protection program. And she takes the drug to forget. You can have that one for free. You tell the writers. Grateful isnt a big enough word. You work with peta also. Youre a vegetarian. I am. You work with peta. Specifically, you urged parents to keep their children away from the circus because of the use of animals for the circus. Yeah. Stephen how do you feel about guys taking selfies with tigers . Thats a rough one, you know. It depends on how into the of into it the tigers were. Stephen edie, thank you so much for joining me. My pleasure. Stephen edie falco,s can jack. Its a known fact that 100 of the swordfishes you dont try to catch. Will get away. Seize the summer with up to 40 off hotels from travelocity. [music]aye by new world sound sweat. It says i was here. I worked here. It says i only have so much to give. Before i have to take. What i lose. I wanna get back. Sweat says, i earned this. Gatorade. Created to help replace what you sweat out. Say hello to stackerz. The treat thats got two tasty flavors. Stackerz aint just a treat. Its got real meat. New stackerz. Sooooooooo meaty. Can i get my actual Credit Report. Like, the one the bank sees . [ male voice ] sheesh, i feel like im being interrogated over here. [ male voice ] shes onto us. Dump her. [ pay phone rings ] hello . Oh, man. That never gets old. No, it does not. [ female announcer ] not all Credit Report sites are equal. Experian. Com members get personalized help and a real Credit Report. Join now at experian. Com with enrollment in experian credit tracker. cheers and applause stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good n from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a good show. Oh, its good show. My guest tonight, jennifer esposito. Shes an actress, but shes going to talk about her book. Shes got celiac disease. Its named after a ballplayer, lucilleback. Played for the new york yankees. [laughter] but first, you know, for most of its existence, the irs was americas favorite government agency. [laughter] but that all changed after the irs admitted last year to certain propublica pryities. Tea party and other conservative groups that rose to power early in the president s first term were unfairly targeted for special scrutiny by the i. R. S. Jon by the way, whatever you think of the tea party movement. , i think we should agree that the only federal agency singling it out for special scrutiny is the fashion police. Pantaloons . Come on. The irs also targeted liberal 501c4s but not with the same level of scrutiny they applied to the conservatives. Thats something. I know the right that wants something to be that president obama ordered the irs to target them while he sat in a dark room smoking a cigar while an orphan boy stands outside looking