Welcome to the report thank you for joining us tonight cheers and applause thank you for joining us in here, out there, all around the world i want to welcome everyone joining us, all the people here. I dont know all your names other than lauren matherson cheers and applause ill try. Folks, tonight were all happy and i wish i could come to you with good news, but the worst imaginable thing that happened millions of americans are going to get healthcare. laughter jim . The white house announced 7,041,000 people signed up for coverage under the Affordable Care act. Theyve reached their anticipated goal of 7 million. The Obama Administration is claiming victory in its long, painful struggle to sign up consumers for health care. 7. 1 million americans have now signed up for private insurance plans through these marketplaces. 7. 1. Stephen 7. 1 million americans have signed up for obama care. Now when i go to my doctors office, there will be 7. 1 Million People in the waiting room ahead of me. laughter and im sorry, folks and the highlights maze stops being challenging after youve done it the first ten times folks, they were never supposed to make it to 7 million. 2 Million People to sign up and ten days to go. The likelihood of them getting to that place is highly unlikely. We call it mission impossible. Theyll probably be a little under 4. 5 million. Theres no way theyre going to get anywhere close. It just aint going to happen. Stephen i just dont see how could karl rove and his life partner boardy be wrong . laughter after all, theyre the mathematical wizards that called ohio for romney it was only logical. If no one had signed up, no one would sign up. Because everyone knows past performance always indicates future results. Thats why i always play yesterdays winning lotto numbers. laughter and may i point out, ive never lost yesterdays lotto. But now this last minute sign upsurge has completely rained on our parade. Seriously, we had to cancel the parade. And i had to scrap my plans for Stephen Colberts rockin erollment failure eve, where me, Ryan Seacrest and t. I. Were going to count down on a giant clock until they dropped an uninsured person in times square. laughter then we dont take him to the hospital cause he doesnt have insurance. Apparently, this lastminute healthscramble was all thanks to young Adults Signing up at higher rates. No one could have foreseen that college kids would put something off until the last minute laughter but folks, maybe theres a Silver Lining here. Yes, the administration hit their goal of 7 million. But is there any way to say they didnt . Theres still a lot of key questions unanswered about health care, including who signed up for it. Younger Healthy People who will pay for older sicker people . And did everyone who enrolled pay for coverage . How many didnt have insurance before . How many are young . How many of them have paid . Stephen yeah, how many are young . How many have paid . What if their check doesnt clear . What are numbers but artificial constructs . And did you know these are arabic numerals . i mean, the 3 is just two islamic crescent moons stacked on top of each other the terrorists have won laughter cheers and applause spooky stuff and speaking of terrorists barack obama this man stood in the peoples rose garden today and made outrageous accusations about republicans. The Affordable Care act is here to stay. And those who have based their entire political agenda on repealing it, they have to explain to the country, why jeanie should go back to being uninsured . I got to admit, i dont get it. Why are folks working so hard for people not to have Health Insurance . Stephen what . What . Thats dirty politics if voters believe the g. O. P. Wants to take away peoples Health Insurance, then republicans wont be able to take over the senate in november. And then how will they take away peoples Health Insurance . So, to win the midterms is going to require some straight talk. We conservatives must look the American People in the eye and say. April fools laughter gotcha gotcha cheers and applause stephen come on fighting obama care was a fouryear prank i cant believe you bought it. Why would we be the only western industrialized nation without access to affordable healthcare . slide whistle laughter applause stephen this is priceless oh, you should see your face . Seriously, you got a growth there. Id have a doctor check that out. Nation, march madness has nearly come to a close, which means well soon learn which final four team has won the champions right to set fire to every car on campus. laughter but enjoy the action while you can, because soon, College Sports as we know it will be over. Its just a first step, but there was a remarkable ruling today that could revolutionize College Sports. A regional director of the National Labor Relations Board ruled that Football Players who receive full scholarships qualify as employees and may legally unionize. Stephen unionize . players arent supposed to want money. Theyre supposed to be in it for the love of selling sponsorship to tostitos. laughter and they made this decision for the worst possible reason. The National Labor Relations Board in chicago had its regional director base the decision on the control the coaches have over the lives of scholarship athletes to find that players spend 50 to 60 hours per week engaging in footballrelated activities. This is exactly the kind of control an employer has over an employee. Stephen oh, ridiculous northwestern players arent employees of the university they dont get paid. Technically, theyre slaves of the university. laughter the fives eric bolling knows the nightmare well be stuck with after unions take hold. Can you imagine, just take this one step further. A Football Team in the middle of summer doing doubles when its hot . A player goes, you know what . This is against my labor board relations. Here it is. Right here. I have this document that says i cant run in 100degree heat. Stephen yeah, unions will turn our players into wimps. You gotta be tough you dont hear the mascot complaining about the heat, mostly because he passed out hours ago inside his puma suit. laughter applause but the n. C. Doublealligators behind this Campaign Like former northwestern quarterback kain colter refuse to back down. Student athletes dont have a voice. They dont have a seat at the table. The current model resembles a dictatorship. Stephen dictatorship . Thats outrageous. How is gathering in a stadium to chant in unison as uniformed men move in formation like a dictatorship . applause laughter and you wont believe what these cleatbooted thugs are demanding. Colter says athletes are missing out on fullyfunded athletic scholarships, due process for alleged ncaa violations, and guaranteed coverage for medical expenses for current and former players. You know, these are our lives and we want to make sure that were protected. Stephen you are protected. Thats what the cup is for. laughter and medical coverage is a burden these schools cant afford. Yes, College Athletes help generate more than 16 billion in television contracts. But have you been to a College Cafeteria . Theres unlimited serial you can kiss that goodbye now. Now i hear that northwestern graduates some quality people with excellent educations. But thats the problem. How can you expect to keep athletes in line when youre offering classes like econ 3 39 labor economics . Time to replace that with something more appropriate to football, like bio104, intro to skull trauma. laughter applause what are these player union people thinking . When we return, well find out from the head of the College Athletes players association, ramogi huma. Well be right back. Than chocolate, its an invitation to stop and savor the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. Lets see what you got. Rv covered. Why would you pay for a hotel . I never do. Motorcycles check. Atv. I ride those. Do you . No. Boat. Ahoy, mateys. House . Hello, dear. Hello. Hello. Van with airbrushed firebreathing dragons. Ah check. Thank you. The more you bundle, the more you save. Now, thats progressive. To help pay for her kids ice time, before earning 1 cash back. Guys everywhere, every time. Close the front door and 2 back at the grocery store, even before she got 3 back on gas with no hoops to jump through, katie used her bankamericard cash rewards credit card to stay warm and toasty during the heat of competition. Thats the comfort of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody folks, if youre just joining our program already in progress, before the halftime break, i was taking it hot and hard to the National Labor Relations Board for allowing Northwestern University Football Players to form a union. If one of those thugs were here, i would give him a piece of my mind. Here to receive my minds police, please welcome former linebacker for ucla and head of the College Athletes players association, ramogi huma cheers and applause thank you so much for being here you ready for my blitz . You ready you ready you in my house you in my house first of all, i do that to all my guests. We usually just edit it out. I want to thank you for pushing for this union thing. Now when football goes away forever, i can blame unions instead of concussion. Right . laughter so why do you folks want College Players to get paid a salary . Our position is that college athretes are already paid. Stephen why do you want more, then . Well, there are things that arent provided. For instance, if a College Athlete gets injured, theyre not guaranteed medical expenses. Stephen walk it out, tough it out. Find the extra gear. Words mean nothing. If they go out and get hurt, they get stuck with medical expenses and former players dont have anything to support them as well. They generate multibillion dollars, and the ncaa face the same risk as the pro guys. They found cte which is a condition they found in other players. Stephen what does brain damage have to do with unionizing . If there was more brain damage, the players wouldnt think to unionize laughter the 1 2 players have a union and were able to negotiate through collective bargaining. College athlete committed suicide, they found brawn trauma, and at this point we see the multibillion dollar industry to get comprehensive protection, we form a union. Stephen no one is forcing the players to play. They just say, hey, i dont want to be in this situation. Why dont i, say, be a theater major . laughter well, thats a pretty good point, but in america, you know, employees, no one is forced to go to their job, but it doesnt mean you shouldnt have a voice in your workplace for protection. Stephen what if players unionize laughter applause thank you very much. Thank you. laughter but if players, you know, unionize, weve seen what unions have done to employment in the united states, already. Are you ready for the ohio state universitys front line to be outsourced . You ready for that . You go to the game, you hear over the loud speaker, hello, y name is kevin in a middle eastern accent stephen wont universities just no longer give full scholarships to get around the ruling the same way employers dont have fulltime employees to get around the obamacare requirement . Thats not really in the book. This is a very lucrative, multibilliondollar industry, so there is actually an incentive to draw recruits in and the way you draw them in is offer them a scholarship or money in exchange for services. Stephen but its not in exchange for services. Theyre student athletes. Thats the term you seem to be missing out on. Student athletes, not employees. Student athletes. What part of student athlete dont you get . laughter the student stephen yes. Theyre athletes. Stephen i accept your apology, thank you so much ramogi huma from the college [ male announcer ] get to subway for the spicy italian, now the 3 sixinch select of april. Try it fresh toasted on garlic bread with shredded mozzarella, top it with your choice of veggies like cucumbers and red onions, and its still just 3. And thats just one of our april featured values. Weve also got the tasty turkey breast and black forest ham as our featured 5 footlong. For just 5, load it up with all your favorites like green peppers and baby spinach. The 3 six inch select and the featured 5 footlong get both all april long subway. Eat fresh. Get both all april long break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. Ice breakers. cheers and applause stephen welcome back my guest tonight has a new film. What crazy thing will hollywood think of next . Please welcome John Malkovich cheers and applause all right, sir. Youre a hollywood royalty oscar nominee, emmy winner youre clearly a liberal, right . Youre a liberal, right . Yes. Stephen goatee gives you a way. Its merely a soul patch. Stephen it kind of is and juxtaposes nicely with the suit made of sky you brought with you today. I have to say the friendliness of the suit makes this part much scarier, all right . laughter okay. Why are you playing the hero in the movie about labor organizer Caesar Chavez . The hero . Stephen yeah, because youre the ranch owner, youre the job creator, youre the friend of Richard Nixon. Youre the hero of the movie trying to stop the labor organizers from succeeding. Why play hero for once . Youre usually the bad guy. Yeah, i mean, it happens, yeah. Stephen yeah. Its difficult for me to think of someone who can be called Richard Nixon on the phone as a hero. Stephen i agree a little bit. But im not sure i would classify as heroic someone who simply doesnt want to pay anybody a living wage. Stephen okay, yeah. But what the market will bear, okay. The invisible hand of the market says you pay people as little as you possibly can so you can make more money and pay them. Okay . applause maybe we should explain to the people the story. I know the story of Caesar Chavez because i worked with these loons over in the united farm workers about four years ago. Tell the people what chavez tried to do to the good Grape Growers of california. Well, he tried to organize the union, to pay people at least something approaching a doesnt days pay for a decent days work . Mmhmm. Who gets to say what that is . Caesar chavez. Sure. And things like maybe give them a place to go to the bathroom. Stephen its a field, for gods sake laughter its a field. Okay. Stephen we have a little clip here. Jimmy, roll the clip. Who the hell is this Caesar Chavez . Nobody knows. Somebody say hes from arizona. Word is he used to hang around the other counties from c. S. O. In the valley stirring up trouble. Stephen now, chavez had a motto spanish it means yes, we can. Obama stole that from him and didnt pay him any royalties, as far as i could tell. laughter applause a, isnt that Union Busting in and of itself . And, b, what do you think obamas goals and chavezs goals, or these early union goals, what do they have in common . Well, first, i would say that obama maybe could have used a different phrase, such as if you like your lettuce, you can keep your lettuce. Granted, i mean, probably he should have paid for it. But im not sure that its a questionable let me put it to you this way if the world were different, and if everybody heres position was reversed, and we had to cross a Mexican Border to find work, dont you think its just a question of simple fairness that, if you work like they do like dogs in the blazing sun all the time that you make enough to eat and clothe a family and educate a family . applause cheers and applause stephen you know, if you want your lettuce, you can keep your lettuce chavez there wasnt enough for them to just get a living wage. They had to deny us our lettuce. Because in the 70s but only stephen no, there was a lettuce shortage. Will you admit there was a lettuce shortage in the 1970s . Will you admit it, yes or no, senator . I will only say this, they didnt boycott bib or iceberg lettuce. Why should we care . It was only things like arugula laughter applause stephen youre right. I apologize. Im sorry. I apologize. laughter thats a beautiful suit. Did you design that . I did. Stephen you have your own clothing line. I do. Stephen whats it called . Technobohemian. Stephen can i smell like malkovich, if i want . I dont think youd want. Stephen no . A little malkovich . No, i dont have a fragrance . Stephen you dont . Would bit okay if i smelled you . Sure. laughter applause stephen like a babys bottom. John malkovich John Malkovich the movie is caesar what is focus . Its a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness. Its owning your opponent. Its knowing beyond a doubt you got this. Its keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park. Its getting in the zone. Its keeping on your toes. On target. On top. Focus is staring the world in the face and saying bring it. Focus is power. Focus is life. And 5hour energy is focus. She would probably say yes. Thats why i dont ask. Too shy, or too scared . Too busy you need to keep both eyes open. [ grunts ] [ horn honks ] oh, hey mom. [ captain america kid ] well pick this back up tomorrow. Ok, see ya. So whatd you do at school today . Worked on my math saved the world. [ male announcer ] the Chevrolet Traverse for whatever size your hero comes in. Marvels captain america the Winter Soldier in theaters april 4th. Marvels captain america the Winter Soldier cheers and applause captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from new york city, Comedy Central presents. [ cheers and applause ] thanks. Thank you. Um, dont worry, im hilarious. [ laughter ]
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