cheers and applause welcome to the report. Thank you for joining us. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen. Stephen thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. I just cannot begin to tell you what that means tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, ive got to thank you for that outpouring of affection. You know i am nothing without your support. But i need it now more than ever because there has been a huge misunderstanding between me and my broadcast life partner bill oreilly. laughter last week i told you papa bear is auctioning off the notes from his historic super bowl interview with president obama for the Veterans Charity fisher house. Just look at those interview notes. No other fox news host does that kind of prep work. Sean hannity uses the same notes for every show, hanit smash. And it is no secret i idolize bill so i was inspired to auction off my own piece of oreillybieleia. What are you looking at here is the actual microwave oven i stole from billoreiyahs green room, okay. cheers and applause . All ed proceeds of the microwave go to benefit the Yellow Ribbon fund that helps Service Members and their families and its fitting, folks. This microwave is just like bill oreilly its a little old, a little square, and does not care what youre saying. cheers and applause . Now, sadly, sadly now, sadly, bill did not see this as an homage, because recently papa bear took a swipe at me. Colbert, fresh from his visit to the white house to honor the french president is mocking my charitable efforts to the fisher house. Biewb dubaiuous. Might be. A tip of day, fisher house is a worth chyle charity and colbert is not going to say it. Stephen great humanitarian . Stud muffin . The wind beneath your wings . Stop me when i get it right. But bill, if youre watching, you should know that you really hurt me. And if youre not watching, that hurts me even more. I wasnt mocking you. I was celebrating you. Just taking some of the weight off your shoulders. Why does it always have to be you talking about how great you are . Furthermore, i was promoting your auction. And, apparently, it worked because after i mentioned it, the bids for bills interview notes skyrocketed to 999,999,999, and then dropped down to 30. Apparently, bill made the rookie mustake of not getting verified bids. Gotta do it, bill. Its the only way to know that theboneranger might not be a serious bidder. cheers and applause bill, with all due respect, youre an idiot. Meanwhile, the bidding on my microwave shot up to 98,000, before dropping back to 3,100. See, what happened is that the 98,000 was not a verified bid. Hey, honest mistake. Could happen to anyone. But its worth that much. A lot of history in this appliance. I used it to melt an al franken action figure, sterilize my boxer shorts, and bombard styrofoam cups with enough radiation to spawn a giant mutant cup, which i kept at bay with a massive packet of artificial sweetener. Thats just what we do at the report. Hard news. So go to colbert nation and bid on the microwave. Auction ends this saturday. Again, all proceeds going to the Yellow Ribbon fund. You could be the owner of this microwave signed by me and bill oreilly. Please, bill, sign my microwave. laughter otherwise, you are going to look like a real not going to say it. cheers and applause . Dream weaver. applause laughter nation laughter we are entering the final days of the Winter Olympics in sochi, russia. And it has been magical. Weve laughed, weve cried. We learned finland and denmark are two different places. laughter now, i warned you the games could be ruinid by homosexuals protesting russias antigay laws. So i sent my old friend and producer, buddy cole, to sochi welcome my producer, buddy cole. Welcome, buddy great reports this week, buddy. What are you up to on your last night in sochi . Well, stephen, im hoping to meet my hero, team u. S. A. s skiing legend, bode miller. Stephen that would be nice but im not sure that will be possible, buddy. Why not. Stephen because hes here with us in the studio. Bode miller, everybody cheers and applause bode, good to see you again. Have a seat. Poddy miller cheers and applause bode, listen, man cheers and applause thank you. Thank you so much. Bode, youre a 33time world cup winner. Youve been in five different olympics. Youve won gold, youve won silver, youve won bronze right here. Okay. Is this going to be your last olympics . Yeah, i dont know. I mean, i brought home the bronze in my wifes favorite event so i think maybe this will be the time to hang it up. If i can go for another one, if my body holds up stephen at the very least go for the curling team. Ill have to change it upon a little. Stephen you dont have to go as fast down the ice and that sport comes with a bar. You grew up in a cabin in New Hampshire with no Running Water and no electricity. Is that a true story or did nbc make that up for your montage . laughter i grew up on 57th street. Stephen here . Thats nice. All right. laughter youre the oldest athlete to ever medal in alpine skiing. Hold are you, 78, 79 . I turn 50 in 15 years. laughter cheers and applause stephen now that seems really that seems really young. Do you feel old on the slopes . You know, its weird, sometimes you do. I felt old at the bottom of a lot of those races. At the top i feel like a kid and im all jittery and excited and when i get to the bottom and had it was pretty quiet during a couple of my races and you came to the finish up and look up and feel pret old sometimes. Stephen should this be your last olympic . Do you think you could ever going to the mountain and swing slowly, and have a hot cokie . Could you ever ski like that . Yeah, i think it is good to mix it up. But i have the thrill seeker. Once youve gotten good at Something Like this, yeah, you do want to test yourself. I think thats why im still going, i think. I dont a lot to prove i dont think in racing except its the only chance i get to go as fast as i can. A couple of times i got to the bottom and my wife was waiting for me at the finish and i havent felt like that in 10 years. I was gi giddy. I had so much fun. It was like, that was so fun with some other words mixed in there. laughter and it was so awesome. And thats why i keep doing it. I love bronze medals but for me its the top. Stephen congratulations. Thank you so much for stopping by. Bode miller, everybody. cheers and applause . Thanks so much. Thanks so much. Bode aflac aflac got em. Yeah, hes clean, boss. Now listen to me, duck. I have an associate that met with, uh, an unfortunate accident. While hes been incapacitated, somebodys been paying him cash. Now, is this your doing . Aflac . Now, if i met with some such accident, would aflac pay me . Nice. This is your stop. [ male announcer ] find out what aflac can do for you and your family. Aflac . [ male announcer ]. At aflac. Com. You raise her spirits. We tackled your shoulder pain. You make him rookie of the year. We took care of your cold symptoms. You take him on an adventure. Tylenol® has been the number 1 doctor recommended brand of pain reliever for over 20 years. But for everything we do, we know you do so much more. Tylenol®. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Now, before the break, i was talking to my old friend and producer, buddy cole. You were. After a week in so much, im disappointed you never found Vladimir Putins russian day threats. Au contraire, stephen, i finally found them but in order to get to the bottom of the story or the top im not picky i had to go deep undercover and disguise myself as a homosexual . Stephen what . You . Gay . I know yes, just to get the story, i bit the bullet and some other stuff, and i managed to penetrate sochis gay underground. Stephen wow, buddy, i would love to see the dramatic conclusion of your journey. And so you shall. Are you going to say jim tonight . Not again. Jim, the colbert presents a score report from russia with love. But no gay stuff. 0014. With me, buddy cole. It has been a long and lonely week for me in sochi. Even my stateoftheart gaydar hadnt registered a single threat. I didnt understand. The Russian Security forces always seemed to be able to know where the gay threat would be. I wonder why. So i got in their pant, and immediately discovered a top secret gay nightclub in sochi by google gay nightclub in so much. I needed to infiltrate sochis only gay bar, club miac. I sat down with the owner andre. So here we are in club miac. Has business gotten worse since the antigay propaganda laws. Absolutely not. Its a silly law that cant be enforced. For me, gay relationships are traditional. For someone else, they are not. So vladimir putin, he seems a relationship with a cheetah would that be a traditional relationship . translated most people would consider that a nontraditional relationship. Often, he also appears shirtless with his bare nipples gee, i know, i like his nipples. Do you think its possible that these laws are actually encouraging homosexuality by making it more dangerous and thus more attractive . translated i would not say more dangerous but possibly more than attractive. I things in the states things have gotten very bad for the gays. All theyre doing is getting married bare foot on the street and adopting chinese girls. Its a nightmare situation. Then i suggest you go on an american gay cruise. Theyre full of excitement. Ive been on them, but you have to be careful what you eat. Oh, you bleep indian. I thought so. I had the same problem in mumbai. Andre, im worried that some of your employees that might get into trouble so i made some tshirts that said not gay in serillic. I think they would be better with more rhinestone. You look like russian pop star. Really . He must be very good looking. I think its an exciting time for russian gays. Theyre getting all the attention. I was thinking of staying for a little while. translated thats great. We can offer you a job here. You can pay me in drinks. translated thats a good idea. I never considered myself a gay activist. But something about this place was starting to gay activate me. laughter i was getting propagandized from every direction. Now this is what i call a protest turns out piewtip is right. There is a gay threat in rauch, and i am the latest victim. Stephen buddy cole, everybody wait, wait a second. Buddy. Buddy what, are you doing here . I thought you were in sochi . I flew back. Stephen during the fourminute piece . Its a ninehour flight . Yes, but theres a ninehour time difference so it all works out. Stephen buddy, while your piece was airing, im afraid i realized something about you thats disturbing and youve been keeping it from me. Oh . Really . I dont think so. Ive been completely above board with you. What is it, stephen . Stephen you tried to hide it from he. No. Stephen but you cannot hide it anymore . What . Stephen you are a canadian. applause its true. Im sorry, but how could you tell . Stephen well, um, you seem a little gay. laughter applause applause buddy[ male announcer ] it has been an absolute war out there today, and kyle larson is leading in the axe car. Come on, baby. [ male announcer ] make love, not war, with new axe peace. Here in philadelphia you can access a philly cheesesteak anytime, day or night. Just like you can access geico anytime, day or night. There is only one way to celebrate this unique similarity. Witness the cheesesteak shuffle. Cheesesteak, cheesesteak its the cheesesteak shuffle huh every day, all day, cheesesteak, cheesesteak every night, all night cheesesteak, cheesesteak 9 a. M. Cheesesteak 2 p. M. Cheesesteak 4 a. M. Cheesesteak any time ruh geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is a retired fourstar general who served in operations desert storm, desert shield, enduring freedom, and iraqi freedom. If you have a problem with deserts or freedom, hes your man. Please welcome general stanley mcchrystal. cheers and applause thanks for coming on. All right, sir, you are a retired fourstar general in the u. S. Army, commander of u. S. And International Security system forces in afghanistan, commander of the joint special Operations Command, or jsoc, and you have a new book here called my share of the task. All right, first of all, before we get started, youre my third fourstar general. Petraeus, odierno, and you, makes me a 12star host so dont try to pull rank on me, all right . Dont try to pull rank. I did not do my share of the reading, so tell me about my share of the task. What are you trying to say in this book. Its about personal responsibility . It is. Its about being part of a team but accepting your part of the responsibility for that because ultimately, you have a responsibility to other people, the people who you work for and who you stand next to. Stephen you commanded jsoexrrks. You are the guide that turned jsoc the joint special Operations Command into a real javelin against al qaeda and our . Ms in afghanistan and iraq. You guys took out zarqawi. Explain what jsoc does. It brings together americas most elite forces and it it is used for the most precise missions hijack, the mission against osama bin laden. Stephen sale team 6, delta guys. All of those forces. And theyre brought together so you can put all these capabilities together in very, very different missions. Stephen you retired after it was noted in Rolling Stone magazine that you criticized the chaip of command, including the president. Was that the case of obama losing another americans job, in this case yours . Why did you have to retire . There was an article that came out that put president obama, my commander in chief, in a difficult position, and thats not what a commander is supposed to do when he works for a commander in chief. So what i did was, i offered my resignation to the president , and he accepted it, and i think that i did the right thing because when Something Like that happens, the most important thing is the mission and the people that work for you. Stephen the Inspector General of the pentagon found you had not been insubordinate. Why did you retire anyway . Do you want to call backsies on that one . laughter . That was actual several months later before it came out, but the media psyche cell you first have a frenzy at first, and then some months later theres much more accuracy. People have time to think and study and they found out what had been in the article wasnt entirely accurate. Stephen why talk to Rolling Stone though . Why why not something not Rolling Stone . laughter . Ficould have a doover, i might go i might reconsider that. Stephen all right. Afghanistan what . laughter applause and when . And when . And for that matter why . And while were at it, where . Weve been there for 12 years. What do you think needs to happen there . Or can we win that war or will we just redefine what winning means . We certainly wont win. The Afghan People are the only people that can win that war. But we need to understand that afghanistan has been in turmoil, essentially in combat since 1979. And so, weve had two generations of afghans who know nothing but chaos. Since 9 11, 2001, when we entered that fall, theres been an effort on the part of the west, led by the United States primarily, to give the Afghan People a chance to move forward. Now, theyve made a lot of progress in the last 12 years, kids in school. Theyve had a generation grow and had 14 million afghan females with new opportunities. There are more afghan female fen Afghanistans Parliament than there are american females in the american congress. And so, there has been progress, and i dont think they want to come back. I dont think they have any interest in the taliban coming back into any kind of control. Stephen you think we should bring the draft back. I do. Stephen and as someone too old to be drafted, i agree with you. laughter what do you think that would do for us as a nation . What i really believe in is that Service Changes you. I think service made me better than i would have been otherwise. I think every Young American should have an opportunity to do service for the nation, not necessarily military. Maybe in health care. Maybe in education. And i think everyone should get the chance to spend a year at paid, national service. I think it would change how they feel about citizenship. I think it would change how we feel about each other. I think people from connecticut would get to know people from east l. A. I think wed certainly start to mend some of the divisions in our society. Stephen without the draft, how would forrest gump have met buba . laughter we wouldnt have that delicious Shrimp Company in times square. laughter applause well, general, thank you so much for joining me. General stanley mcchrystal. General stanley mcchrystal. The book i is my share of the rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. All aboard. Rolo. Get your smooth on. You think youre a better driver than me . Everyone knows hes a better driver. [ monarch ] i can feel love. Vengeance. Motor oil all swirling together. You may want to close your eyes for this. Ow [ male announcer ] rated pg13. whooshing punctuated by a loud crunch. whoosh crunch whoosh crunch yeah go team team. . I saved the best for last. [ man ] i was asked to put new speed stick gear to the test. A very extreme sweat test. I call it. Whoo . Canyon swing. New speed stick gear has drycore technology, so it absorbs better. Giving me 48 hours of sweat protection. Yup. Still dry. New speed stick gear. Engineered for advanced performance. New speed stick gear. What is focus . Its a wondrous sensation of clarity and alertness. Its owning your opponent. Its knowing beyond a doubt you got this. Its keeping your head down, your eye on the ball, and knocking it out of the park. Its getting in the zone. Its keeping on your toes. On target. On top. Focus is staring the world in the face and saying bring it. Focus is power. Focus is life. And 5hour energy is focus. Are so soft, chewy, and filled with their fruity selves. They think this world isnt big enough for the both of them. But we assure you it is. Bites. Little greatness. Ive got more. I know it may sound impossible, but its not. [ male announcer ] rogaine foam is proven to help stop hair loss. For 85 of guys, it regrew hair. Rogaine foam. Stop losing. Start gaining. Stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Before we go, general mcchrystal, would you please sign my microwave for the Yellow Ribbon fund . cheers and applause youre next, b