cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. Oh, thank you ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. Folks, it is yet another electric night here at the report. Why . Why . cheers and applause why, well, first of all because its tuesday. laughter ask anybody, theyll tell you. But mostly cheers and applause but mostly because its day five of the sochi winter games. Now im a busy man so im not completely caught up on the olympic action. Ive been tivoing them and last night i was thrilled to see the team usa Gabby Douglas clinched the allaround gymnastic gold. Truly historic. Yeah to go, gabby. America loves you. cheers and applause but i was excited to read that team usa has already won some huge golds in sochi like mens and womens slop slopestyle. I have noed where what that is. I assume its for shiniest parka. Folks, i got to say, these sochi games, these olympic athletes have accomplished the impossible. Making me care about crosscountry skiing. laughter and of course the games hold a pegs place in my heart because four years ago i saved the olympics. The United States ski team cheers and applause would never, would never have made it to the games if it werent for my hard work and your hard cash. laughter i went with the team to vancouver and between us we won four olympic medals for skating and one oversized scooby doo for whackamole. I dont want to get into who won what, it was a team effort. And i have not given up on my team. This year you can help them out by going to colbertnation. Com and donating and getting your own special colbertnation u. S. Speed skating tshirt. Your green, folks, your green can help the red, white and blue bring home the gold. Orange you glad . Now folks, i could not make it over to sochi because my doctor said i dont want to. So i am sending someone else to be my eyes and my ears and to a lesser extent, my nose. Please welcome my old friend and long time producer buddy cole. Buddy, thanks so much more being here. Good to see you again. applause so glad you could make it. Buddy, buddy, buddy buddy, buddy, buddy stephen buddy fever. It. Stephen thanks for being here, man. Thank you, stephen, the pleasure is all mine. Stephen now buddy, you foe gay rights activists are up in arms over russias antihomosexual propaganda laws. But these laws are so vague. That police can arrest anyone they suspect as being gay. Now of course i done worry about sending you. You are a real mans man. Guilty as charged. Stephen pound it, you dog. laughter all right. Now folks, but i am worried about my friends on the speed skating team, buddy. How do we keep them safe . Well, steven, last night i learned. All about this antigay laws when i sat down with an ambassador of something. I dont know, he seemed nice. And tonight i want to share that advice with the u. S. Speed skating team. Stephen all right, lets talk i look, buddy . Stephen. Stephen jim. The colbert report presents a spor report exclusive, from russia with love. No gays. Double o 14. With me, buddy cole. I traveled to beautiful Salt Lake City to meet with the u. S. Speed skating team before realizing it was 12 miles away at the olympic in utah. Lets get to know each other. My name is buddy cole and ive been sent here by Stephen Colbert to help you fellas avoid appearing gay an getting arrested in russia. And to make you gentlemans aware of these antigay laws that russia has passed. They are aware of what has been going on in russia. But honestly, you know, weve been training so much and concentrating on our training,. No time for gay sex. Is there anyone on your team that might be a little antigay law curious. I dont think so. So you dont know any speed skaters that are gay . Do you know any figure skaters that are straight . No, thats ridiculous. Ridiculous, of course not. Why are there no women on the mens speed skating team, that seems very gay. Well, they have a womens team too. Oh. Is speed skating a choice or were you born a speed skater . You were born a speed skater. So you were born a speed skater. Yes. Wass your name. Kyle carr im short track. I do short track. You are a short tracker. Dont worry about it, kyle, its a little cold in here. Tell me a little bit about yourself, where are you from. Im from texas. Texas, very heterosexual but i read in your cv that you spent some time in france. Yes, i did, yes. Ooh. I would deemphasize the france, more tech as, less france. Wass your story, what are you all about. From washington. What is with this bieber haircut. Its a little lesbian. This is funny, this is glaruous, boys. Now i was reading in your biothat you have a pretty nasty injury, tell me all about that. Cut my leg four years ago. I put the front of my right blade into my leg. So you have like a big manly scar on your inner thigh. I do, i show it off all the time. Chicks dig scars, right. You boys know that. Oh, i am covered with scars. Ive got hundreds of them. Some of them fill. Short track speed cater skater from florida. You dont see a lot of gonzalezes on the ice, do you,. Alvarez. Or alvarezes. Oh, it says here jordan. Yes. You are an inventor. I did create some things. What did you invent. I made the tips that we use on our gloves so your fingers dont rub on your eyes. So your delicate fingers dont get all scratched by the ice. So it sounds to me that what you invented was fingertip can doms. Slightly tougher than that. So what metals are you guys hoping to win. Gold. And what do you have to do to win gold . Win. Win exactly. Thats the right answer. You know though, heres the thing, anyone can win gold, right, anyone. All you have to to do is be the best in the world. But you know what, real winning is in the face. You all want to be gold Medal Winners but are you ready to be stars . Its all in the face like heres me, listen, im crossing the finish line. Ive got some ridiculous south korean behind me because i hate those south koreans. Hes just hine me and then i crash through the tape. applause can i see your winning gold medal faces. Come on, now exactly this has been great. But lets head out on to the ice to make sure that i keep you as safe as possible at the sochi olympics. Move it. Within to truly understand the team i knew i had to walk a mile in their shoes or at least skate a kilometer in their spandex. Ill be in, with you in a second. Keep skating. Okay. Oh im fine im good. Oh my goodness. Would you grab my tail. They clearly knew how to ice conga and that was perfectly butch. As was the relay handoff. But there was no hiding the fact that their tights screamed gay propaganda. I had to find a way to make them less attractive. Fannie packs. Dammit, not even dockers could dampen those fiery thighs. Timely i had to resort to gay krypton identity, crocs. Tass better. Oh, thats fantastic. You look hideous. Heterosexuality is key. cheers and applause stephen great report, buddy. Thank you. Stephen you did it again. Ive never seen anyone out in the field do what this guy does. Youre amazing. Thanks. Stephen great report, buddy. Well, i certainly enjoyed it. Now remember folks if you want to support the u. S. Speed skating team to going to cole betterfacial. Com to get your official colbertnation speed skating shirt all proceeds go directly to the team. Lets hear it for buddy, buddy, buddy c sbk z42 m c0,x 0 stephen welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. Folks, we now turn to our continues report coverage already in progress. As you know, i have been a lifelong if the ball fan for almost two weeks now. And like all hardcore foot nuts i was looking forward to mays nfl draft until i saw this. An all american football star revealed he is gay. Missouri michael sam came out of the closet. Michael sam to be drafted to the nfl would make him the first openly gay play per in that league. I came to tell the world im an openly proud gay man. That is some courage but we cant have a gay if the ballplayer t is first and ten, not first in steve. And the most offensive part, michael sam doesnt understand why people might be offended. This is to me just another telling another person, hey, im gay t shouldnt a big problem. Stephen im sorry, sir, but nobody chooses to have a problem with this. I was born having a problem with this. Look. Look, come on, nobody is saying this guy is not a great football player. Allamerican, the secs de fec defensive player of thier, that is quite an honor coming from the securities and exchange commission. But now pro teams are just going to have to think twice before drafting him. Sports illustrated spoke with nearly a dozen coaches and nfl executives, many of whom said football isnt ready for an openly gay player. Yesterday michael sam was projected as the third or fourth round pick, but definitely on the board. And today executives will say anonymously that his stock has dropped. He may not even be drafted. I think a number of teams will probably not want to deal with him at all because they dont want the socalled distraction that goes along with it. The thing you talk about in the organization with the gm and obviously the owner, is can we handle this guy. Can the players handle the Media Attention that theyre going to get. When they get the question asked are you okay with a gay teammate. Stephen exactly. I mean just think of that question. Are you okay with a gay teammate. Who wants to put their players through the agony of saying yeah. laughter stephen i mean i just cant i cannot believe we have come to this as a nation, to sully game of Ben Roethlisberger and michael vic with a gay guy. So folks, all of that justifies not drafting the top defensive player in the sec. And michael sams only chance is to go back in the closet, mike, well pretend youre to the gay as long as you pretend were not bigots. laughter welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is a former governor of florida. Please welcome charlie crist. Pay, thanks so much, thanks so much for coming on. Its great to have you on here. Governor, we will get to what i would considered your check ared political career in just a moment. But first lets get this right out of the way near. Youve got a new book called the party is over. How the extreme right hijacked the gop and i became a democrat. There it. cheers and applause you buried the lead right there at the end of the title. You were a republican, you became a democrat. Yes. Stephen how, at long last sir, have you no shame . I am just happy to be a democrat. I really feel at home. I always kind of felt like a round peg in a square hole in the Republican Party. And it only increased. Stephen you were round, they were square, that makes sense. Right t does, it does, yes, sir. But you know, as the party continued to drift further and further to the right, with the rise of the tea party. And as a result of that, i just got more uncomfortable with it. Stephen what was it about the modern Republican Party that didnt appeal to you any more. Jeb bush said it very well himself. The modern Republican Party loadership appears to be antiwomen, antimain or the, antiimmigrant, antigay couples shall antienvironment, antieducation. I mean pretty soon there is nobody left in room and it just wasnt a place i was comfortable being any more. Stephen isnt that the wrong way to look at it. It is pro freedom. All the things you just named involve some kind of regulation or giving away our freedoms to people without did not earn it. That say point of view. Stephen yeah. Its the correct point of view, okay. Right, right. Stephen well, i disagree respectfully. Stephen you do. Oh, thats one of you. Thats right. Stephen all right. You are running for governor of for da again. Yes, sir. Stephen now as a democrat. Rate. Stephen against rick scott. Indeed. Stephen do you even have to campaign. Cant you just say i am charlie crist. I used to be governor, how about more of that. Yeah, well, honestly, i wish it were that easy but the man has said he is going to spend 100 million on this campaign. He spent 75 million of his own four years ago. Stephen how many are you going to spend 75 million of your money this time. I dont have that much money. laughter so no, no, no. Stephen where are you going to get it because its hard to get that kind of cash. If people want to contribute charl c. E. O. Crist. Com would be a good place to go. applause stephen all right. Okay. We need it. Stephen okay. Are you afraid of rick scott. No sir, im not, im not. Stephen youre not afraid that he will unhinge his jaw and try to swallow you. I mean youre running against a native florida swamp creature. Hes from texas. He just moved to florida in time to qualify to run. You have to be there seven years before you can run for governor, he got there just in time to be able to run four years ago. Stephen why do you want to be governor of florida again, it is a tough state to goff en. It is a tough state to live in. You know. I mean its warm and everything. But within its a beautiful place. Stephen it is a crazy state. Its interesting. Its never dull. But it a beautiful place. Stephen you said at the end of your republican political career came about when you were hugged by barack obama. Stephen yes. It figures prominently in the book if i may read that. You introduced him, what year. 2009. Stephen 2009 he had just become president of the United States. You introduced him in florida and you said ladies a and gentlemen please give a warm florida welcome to president barack obamament he walked out towards me. Both of us smiled. The applause was just about frantic. We shook hands. The new president leaned fard and gave me a hug. Reach, pull, release. As hugs go, it wasnt anything special it was over in a second, less than that. It is the kind of hug that says hey, good to see you man, thanks for being here. The kind of hug i had exchanged with dhous and thousands of floridians over the years. I didnt think a thing about it as it was happening but that simple gesture ended my ca kears a itting chad the rest of my life, reach, pull, release. Chooers plaus. Thats what happened. Unbelievable. Stephen reach, pull, release. Yeah. Stephen are those the three words you want to use when you are talking about the president of the United States. Maybe not. Maybe not, no, but. Stephen why do you think tended it for you . Several reasons, i think. Number one, if he was there to talk about the recovery act. The stimulus as people call it. And a lot of republicans took issue with that. So i think that was part of it. Sadly i think another part of it was that he was a democrat. But not just a democrat, an africanamerican. And. Stephen are you to the going to play the race card. Im to the going to play it. Stephen you just did. You picked it it up again and put in your pocket, you played the race card. Yeah, well im just trying to tell the truth. I have seen a level of vitriol directed at this president that i have never seen directed at, you know, president kennedy or maybe president johnson or even president carter. Stephen all right. If in the course of the campaign you were approached by three men who were about to hug you, joseph stalin, darth vader or barack obama, you have to hug one of them, which would it be. My president , no question. I love him. Stephen barack obama. applause stephen well, governor, good luck. Thank you. Stephen please come back once youre the governor again. You just got the colbert bump. All right. Stephen governor charlie. Governor charlie crist, fhp captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Oh, we have a fine program tonight. My guest Elizabeth Kolbert author of sixth extinction about how we as a species doomed ourselves. Its a beach read really. [laughter] wanted to wish good health to young bob costas. He dropped out of tonights coverage due to a nasty eye infection. I told him, bob, do not wash your face with the water. [ laughter ] but bob is all, im eighttime sportscaster of the year b
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