[cheers and applause] jon that is our show, ladies and gentlemen. Have a wonderful, wonderful holiday, christmas, whatever it is. Here it is your moment of zen. And this is your moment of zen. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. Come on thats right. Ho, ho, ho. Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen cheers and applause thank you lazies and gentlemen, please, folks, i got to say, hear ug chant my name t sounds like the angel chir choirs of bethlehem. Merry christmas, everybody. I love christmas, its just a magical time of year. But thanks to comrade dickens the Christmas Carol seig heil, chuck. The Christmas Season is always open season on titans of finance. Ebenezer scrooge was a job creator. What did tiny tim ever make other than me cry. Well, this christmas the Median Income huggers out there are still pushing bankers around and no one is getting hid harder than my buddy c. E. O. Jamie dimon. For more we go to nbc an four grader trickortreating rachel maddow. The nearest and deerest to jayie dimon this holiday see be, recently graced with this panoramic holiday card in your mail box. It shows the first family of finance having a great time hitting tennis balls inside what seems to be their home. And says hey, were so rich we can destroy our own stuff with a smile. Stephen disgusting. Calf or thing around your own home with your own family . At christmastime. Come on. I condition think of anything more decadent except maybe murdering a tree and dressing it up like a whore. No wonder, nond withouter, folks, no wonder Time Magazine called the cards maddeningly tone deaf and ask could you pick a more elitist sport . Yes, elitist, ten sis just polo without a horse that can be played in a public park. Jamie die upon forgot the golden rule of 1 percenters, the 99ers need to previous your money has made you miserable. His Christmas Card should have been him weeping alone on a pile of money. Folks, this is why, this is why, i didnt mail out my Christmas Card this year. Its a picture of me waterskiing through the kitchen hi built off of my two closets. Folks, i tell you, they criticize but i need that kevin. The sherpas who guide me to my sandal shelf are hungry. So as much as i hate to do it, shame on you jamie dimon. And news media, you keep holding the bankers accountable for insensitive Christmas Cards because i hope we can all agree, thats the real crime on wall street. Nation, i love applause you know, folks, i love christmas. Its such a joyful season. And that joy is hard on fox news because their job is to make us scared and andry. Thats why this tile of the year they bring out the big guns like Fox News Contributor and vanilla pudding skin to give you the gift of anxiety. Set them up, december. Christmas may be the season for giving but its also the season for scamming, peter johnson, jr. Is here to warn us about the 12 scams of christmas. You know, steve, on the 12th day of christmas, the scammers gave to me, 12 reindeer rippoffs, 11 santa scammers, 10 christmas coupon cons, and nine stolen gift cards. Stephen even worse evidently some scammers stole the tune from five golden rings and marked it up to nine. Now folks, folks, johnson, jr. Peter went on to explain the scam. Lets go through the 12th big scams of christmas. Number one, boggus charities. Number two, mallwear e holiday card. Number 8 santas slay scam, the home alone scam. Sure. Sending an email or call, im stranded, please, i need, send me money. Dont be wiring money. Reindeer rippoff, very perform. Be careful about buying chia pets online, the pooch might have flees. Finally, the penultimate mistle toe madness be dont fall in love with somebody online. Theyre trying to bilk you. Stephen now thats a lot of warnings, so lets review. Your stranded loved ones are all liars [bleep] them. If you buy a dog online, it will have flee, which are incurable so you have to put it down in front of the kids, merry christmas. And finally, finally, the penultimate, dont fall in love with somebody online. It appears to have happened to peter johnson, jr. You know how it is, you chat with the ukrainian woman online, buy her an Airline Ticket to vit, you marry her and the next thing you know her brother is moving in, for some reason hes the one without gets to sleep with her, or so ive been told. Ill never forget you he caterina. I am this close to change the pin on my bank card. Now folks, after hearing that little list of scams there, i hope youre so scared that you drop the yule log in your pants. But Junior Johnson peter only scratched the surface there are so many more scams that he left out. Like gift drift, where you buy a present and are you expected to give that to sebls. Hey, i just paid for that, why should i give it away. And the knockout game where a teenager knocks you out with a frozen carton of egg nothing and sprinkles you with nutmeg, its sweeping the country, folks. People are doing it. Kringle krunch that one is selfexplanatory, frosty frost, where a snowman steals your identity, the next thing you know hes sleeping with your wife and your kids are calling him daddie and its your own fault for bringing him to life with that magic hat, dont do it. And finally, santa claus, huge scam. Never once did he bring gifts to my children. And theyre really good gifts. I mean they give me presents every year and yet they get nothing. I dont get it i dont get it. He brought me presents when i was a kid. Why did he stop . Santa claus, listen up old man, i am giving you one more chance, do not disappoint my children this christmas. Because ive got 18 years 6 milk and cookies on my. Welcome back, everybody. Nation, this is my final show before the 2013 celebration of christmas. Which of course i love. I also love that i will be leaving 2013 on a serious note. Because the pc police have pulled over yet another patriot. Duck dynasty is making headlines for off camera drama. Phil robertson, the star of the a e hit show has been suspended indefinitely from filming the reality show after making controversial remarks. Stephen this is a terrible day for americans. So admittedly a pretty good day for ducks. Now just why did a e axe him . Because this good christian man spoke his mind to gq about the gays saying it seems like to mean a vagina as a man would be more desirable than a mans anus. Thats just me, im just thinking, theres more there. But hey, its not logical, my man, start with homosexual behavior and morph out from there, bestialit, now ill admit, i will admit, i will admit its not eloquent speech you might expect from a backwoods louisiana bird murderers, but he does have a point. The vagina does have more there i mean lets face t its a train wreck, who knows what is going on with that business. Fans rallied to him. With 55,000 signing a petition saying mr. Robertsons comments in gq magazine are reflective of a biblical view of sexuality, marriage and family. Yeah, its right there in the bible. Man shall not live by bread alone because with the vagina theres more there. laughter folks, folks, tonight laughter cheers and applause tojt tonight we are all phil robertson. Phil has taught us so much like this little bit of eternal wisdom. If you catch squirrels for your wallet your woman will never cut you off in bed. Stephen and if she does, hey, you still got the squirrels. And its not like he singled out homosexuals. He also waxd nostalgi nostalgia nostalgic for the jim crow era, he said i have never in my sigh eyes seen any misdream of blacks. They are sing and happy, i never heard one, these doggone white people, not a word. Free entitle thement, they were godly, they were happy no one was sing the blues. Yes, but people had nothing to sing the blues about, for petes sake, they got their own water fountain. In fact, they had it so good white people pretended to be them. I tell you, who i kneel sorry for, folks, a ew this controversy, they may have just lost duck dynastys massive black and gay audience. We r r stephen welcome back, everybody, you might know my guest, he is the star of the secret life of walter hitty, please welcome ben stiller. cheers and applause stephen whooo hey, ben, good to see you. Hey. Thank you so much. Good to see you, so flis nice to meet you facetoface. I know, how are you. Stephen im great, how are you. Im doing well. Stephen youre that guy i like. Oh, good. Stephen i love your movies, man. Thank you, thank you. Stephen i love your movie, i love new those movies. Yeah, well i tend to be in the movies that im in, so. Stephen but i like new those movies. I ten to be in the movies that you like that i am in. Stephen i understand. But here is what i dont get about actors, does that mean i like you . I done know. Stephen all right. Something about marry, tropic thunder, okay. Those are the two. Stephen now, but right up there, man, right up there. But now youve got this secret life of walter hitty. Thats right, yes. Stephen this is a beautiful movie. Thank you, thank you. Stephen a little clip here. Lets see, i bathed in arctic mountain water. Im walter hitty. Cheryl, millhoff. Where have you been. Testing the limits of the human experience. Perhaps i can contact you, possibly through my poetry falcon. Poetry falcon, i like that cheers and applause stephen yeah, those guys a mountain climber. No, no he is managing that, walter has, you know, he is a day dreamer sow lives in his head. He has this incredible potential inside of him to be all of these things but in real life he cant realize that. It is all about the potential that we have inside of us and who we can be and being the best possible version of ourselve it is something that i think is universally relatable, that being. Stephen i didnt get it. Well, he keeps on, he is a sculpture, a mountain climber at one point and one point he is a little old man, another one exactly. Stephen a which of those is the real walter hitty. Well, theyre all aspects of his personality. Theyre all part of who he is. It is the same way you or i have so many different aspects to who we are. Im sure have a lot of different dimensions inside. Stephen sometimes i wear a tie, sometimes i dont. Yes, right so, if you were in walter hitty one of your characters you would be wearing a tie and the other one you wouldnt. Stephen right. Yeah. Stephen dont actors just imagine that they are someone else, are you walter hitty . I have no idea what you are saying to me, what . Stephen are you walter hitty, is Ben Stiller Walter hitty. Yeah, sure there are parts of me i can relate to in the character. Stephen dont yell at me, dont yell at me, im asking you a question. Sorry, sorry. Stephen all right, what i want to know is im i didnt get your your film, i didnt get cards on the table, im not one of these hollywood elitists who understand films like something about mary or tropic thunder or this one. I get it. Stephen i dont get art film. You dont go for the high fall outin. Stephen i dont go for that. Does things that are real. He engages in real life. Stephen he actually does things later. He does real things, things that he imagined doing and he has to step into reality, and kind of seize the moment and go and live his life for real. Stephen which one of those is better. Well, real life, i think, you know, is a good thing. And having an imagination is a good thing also. I think both are aspects, your imagination, your day dreams can fuel your real life and get to you do things that you wouldnt necessarily do, if you didnt have that imagination. Stephen okay, okay. So imagination is good. And real life is good. Yesing exactly. Both are okay. Stephen do he makes no journey hes managing things an its good and later it does real things that are good so he doesnt get any better or worse throughout the film. Did you actually see the movie. Stephen i did see its movie, i didntee it shall did i saw it out of order. Okay. Stephen i saw it benjamin button style. Right, right, exactly. Stephen that is one of my favorite skeerntion spoiler alert, i dont want to spoil anything that is one of my favorite things in the movies. No, no its all about becoming who, you know, the best possible version of yourself, i guess or being who you want to be. Stephen is this the best possible version of you, ben stiller. Unfortunately, at this moment, yes. Stephen as good as it gets. Yes. cheers and applause stephen all right, now lets talk about the elephant in the room. This thing opens on christmas day. Yes t is. Stephen that is balancesy, my man. Thats balancesy, you are saying to a christian nation, dont be with your family on christmas day, come see my movie. Yeah, well, you know. Stephen to hell with jesus. I wanted first night of hanukkah as the opening and it was not available. Stephen they didnt go for it. Your dad, Jerry Stiller gave us festivus. Yes, he did. cheers and applause yeah. I grew up in a house with my mom Irish Catholic and my dad jewish so we had hanukkah and we had christmas, we had it all. Stephen celebrated christmas as well. Merry christmas. Thank you, we had the tree, we didnt get ultra religious about it. Stephen and you might want to say. Happy hanukkah, merry christmas, i love christmas, its the season, its giving, its warmth, its generosity, its appreciating what we have. Stephen okay. Well, thank you for the gift youve given all of us on christmas day. Thank you. Stephen a way to get away from our family. Exactly. Go play golf for five hours and complete this deal. Stephen im playing golf up here right now. Im on the 8th hole of pebble beach. I have been playing tennis for the last 15 seconds in my head. Stephen how are you doing. Wonderful, i just asd you. Stephen really . You are such an elitist. Ben stiller, thank you so much. cheers and applause stephen the secret life of walter hitty, christmas day. Ben stiller we we is wells thiss it for 2013, everybody, but before we g the blind buys of alabama. Go tell it on the mountain over the hills and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that Jessus Christ is born go told it on the mountains over the hills and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that jesus christ is born while shepherds kept their watching over silent flocks by night behold throughout the heavens there shown a holy light go tell it on the mountain over the hills and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that jesus christ is born when i was a seeker i is seek both night and day i pray to let the lord to help me help me lord and he shows me the way go tell it on the mountain over the hills over the hills and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that jesus christ is born the shepherd is feared and trembled when is rang out that angel bird go tell it on the mountain over the hills and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that jesus christ was born he come if i am a christian i am the one go tell it on the mountain over the 4i8s and everywhere go tell it on the mountain that jesus christ is born go tell on the mountain over the hills and everywhere go tell on the mountain that jesus christ is born cheers and applause whooo. Merry christmas, everybody. Good night whooo cheers and applause announcer give it up for rory scovel applause flamboyant voice oh, hey oh, hey, yeah, hey oh, goodness, look at this. What are we doing . Were into it. Here we are. You guys came out, good good, good stuff. This side, you guys showed up, thank you. Oh, goodness oh, this is fun already already its fun whos already changed the channel . Like, hm, nah. You know what, nah. No, i thought for a second, maybe that channel, not that channel now. No, i went into it, thinking that was the channel. I was wrong. I was way wrong. They change the channel but come back, and im just. highpitched and then, what happened . Whos over here . Oh, gosh laughter god, i got to remember to do that at the end, just in case someone goes, hey, flip back and see how he closes. highpitched and then youre over here oh, okay but you guys are laughing. People at home think youre crazy. Who is in that audience . what does he have . hes got nothing flew in, flew in. Uh, do not like to fly. And i tell my friends, theyre like, oh, you afraid youre going to die . No, i just dont really like getting talked down to the moment i walk into the airport. Lets pull it back, tsa. Lets pull it back one notch. You walk in, they just tell you, your shoes have to be off your shoes have to be off and they have to go on the belt. Take your belt off do you have a belt on . well, then that comes off. Youre talking down to me . This is like one of the only places i walk into, look around, and immediately assume that if i wanted to, i could just be the manager. You know what i mean . Like, im one application away from just owning whatever this is. And youre talking down to me. Get your, get your belt off. Do you have anything anything in your pockets . No, you can put your i. D. Away. You dont have to show that anymore. They honestly think that were going, when can i show my i. D. Again .
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