His yellow rain of terror must be stopped. Im counting on you guys to help me. If ou see anyone drinking a suspicious amount of liquid, please email the show. Do not approach the subject. His gladder is extremely full you might be sitting across from the yellow peepee monster as we speak. All right. This week, bigfoot dies. Finally, you will be shot on pight if you attempt to trick or treat on my property. You have been warned. Good night. laughter captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [the colbert report theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] stephen welcome to the report. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd changt stephen] [crowd chanting stephen b. C. ] stephen thank you sox please, sit down, everybody. Folks, welcome to chit chat, where we girls [cheers and applause] we girls just sit around and talk to each other. Nation, you know if you watch the show, one of hardest thing about be me is always being right. [ laughter ] no one will watch baseball with me anymore, because i correctly predict every pitch will be boring. Im like cassandra. [ laughter ] well, lo, it hath come once more to pass just as i spaketh it last fall, when i brought you news of a study that found men are sexually attracted to their female platonic friends. Men were also more attracted to female acquaintances, female strangers they saw on the street, pictures of women on billboards, sears catalogs, and particularly plump couch cushions. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] oh, sure. Everybody laughed. Well, lets see them laugh at this man has sex with a sofa in the street. [ laughter ] evidently, a 46yearold man in waukesha, wisconsin, seen here in his eharmony profile, was arrested for getting all sexual with a sectional. [ laughter ] now i know theres not much to do in wisconsin, but come on, buddy havent you ever heard of meth . You seem like a natural. [ laughter ] and look, folks, i get no satisfaction from the fact that i called this. And unlike the letitallhangout liberals out there, i am willing to come out and say that roadside sofaboning is wrong. [ laughter ] because i know whats next Public Schools teaching our children about safe sex and handing out plastic slipcovers to put in their wallets. [ laughter ] now its easy to blame this 46yearold man for just about anything. [ laughter ] but frankly a lot of these couches are asking you to sleep with them. [ laughter ] you slut [ laughter ] this is what the country has come to. [ laughter ] another thing im not happy about, folks obamas failed second term. It doesnt start for two weeks and it is a disaster. Point is, i gave it a chance. Even members of obamas cabinet are jumping off the s. S. Barack like rats leaving for an opportunity in the private sector. [ laughter ] but the thing that disturbs me and my fellow pundits with air time to fill, is who obama has picked to replace them. Have a look at this picture. Ask yourself. Look closely. Whats missing . Do you notice something . There are no women in the picture. Where have the women gone . It shows the president with senior advisers in the oval office, all of them are male. Stephen those four white guys are right. [ laughter ] this is the 21st century. When filling his cabinet, theres only one question he should be asking hey, where the white women at . [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] stephen thats true. Folks, look. This picture is damning. And i dont care if 43 of obamas appointees have been women. Theyre not in this photo. I live by one rule. If i cant see it, it does not exist oh, my god wheres my hand . ohh. I thought obama took it. Dont ever scare me like that again. [ laughter ] of course, obamas not letting me down. I love white men. I sleep with one every night that i know of. [ laughter ] no, folks, im heartbroken for my liberal friends. And so is former governor and formerly relevant mike huckabee, [ laughter ] who was publically worried about them on his radio show. Now a lot of those females who supported barack obama are scratching their heads, and theyre saying, whoa how come there is so much testosterone in the obama cabinet and so little estrogen . [ laughter ] stephen yes, huckabee and huckame are outraged on behalf of you estrogen soaked females. Because obamas not turning out the way you wanted him to. If anything, hes turning out the way we want him to. And that should make you furious that were delighted that youre angry. [ laughter ] now in terms of diversity, the first lady is an African American woman, but who knows if shes staying . The way things are going, she leaves and the president replaces her with larry summers. [ laughter ] how does he get those amazing arms . [ laughter ] and the problem here is not just that theyre white men. Its which white men. As you know, treasury secretary Timothy Geithner is stepping down to spend more time with his forehead. [ laughter ] folks [ laughter ] and who is obama picking to replace him . President obama nominated jack lew as a president ry secretary. Jack lew who . Jack lew. Who is jack lew . Who is that . Stephen yeah, who is that . Jack lew. cuz i dont know who jack lew is and neither do you. Thats not a picture of jack lew. This is, and you didnt notice. You racist. [cheers and applause] folks, theres big problems with this guy. Heard the discussion that republicans really just dont get along with this guy, they dont agree with his philosophy, they think hes really hard to deal with in negotiation. Stephen no no, jimmy no, no, the big problem. Theres jack lews signature. Stephen folks, once lews treasury secretary, this pubic hair masquerading as an autograph will appear on all our money, okay . Making our currency a laughingstock. Our money should have nothing ridiculous on it, just old men in wigs and pyramids with eyes. Is this even a signature or did he start drawing Charlie Brown and give up after the hair . [ laughter ] good grief. And it got no better when lew explained his fiscal philosophy, saying quote i describe budgets as a tapestry when its woven together, the picture amounts to our hopes and dreams of a nation. [cheers and applause] didnt get a word of that. Folks, the United States dollar bill deserves a signature worthy of a great nation. So to preserve the value of the money, i want you to send it to me. Ill erase his signature and replace it with mine, and then return it to you, minus a small handling fee. [ laughter[cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. Nation, i believe seven entitled to my own opinion. This is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [cheers and applause] the tip and hat people are in the house. You know me boom. You know me, im a gadget guy. Soifs disappointed to learn about a New Invention that set our culture back. This is the hapifork. Believe it or not this fork measure hows quickly you are eating. Fit finds thawr eating too quickly its going vibrate in europe hand and force you to slow down. Stephen first of all americans have something that make yours hand tremble so we stop eating. Its called a stroke. Thats why im giving a wag of my finger to hapifork. This can comes from hong kong where they have a centurys old tradition of tablewear that prevents you from eating. [ laughter ] which one is the spoon . [ laughter ] i say if were improving our utensils, its time to move beyond the hapifork to my patented new selfloathing food sluice. [ laughter ] its a combination funnel and high capacity grinder that delivers a constant stream of nutrient into your gorge. [ laughter ] Stephen Colberts selfloathing food sluice is available in small, medium, and i hate myself. [ laughter ] next up on tip hat wag fing, i loves me my bball. Its fast paced, tough, and aggressive. And thats just when players are punching the fans. [ laughter ] but now theres an even better reason to enjoy the game. What was up with Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony last night . All night long, chipping, pushing and shoving in the celtics win over the knicks. Melo even waited outside for the celtics by their team bus to have further words with Kevin Garnett after the game. Its blowing up all over the place. Why was he so upset . Reportedly garnett told Carmelo Anthony his wife tasted like honey nut cheerios. [audience reacts] stephen oh snap, krackle, and pop [ laughter ] carmelo, you just got applejacked kevins saying he had your wife reality star la la vazquez, as a part of this complete breakfast [ laughter ] this brings me to a tip of my hat to Kevin Garnett, for forging a bold new path in product placement. [ laughter ] this isnt just trash talk, its hefty brand trash talk. [ laughter ] forget gym shoes and sprite, from now on, all nba games should be filled with athletes incorporating National Brands into their taunting. Yo mamas so fat she should switch to chobani nonfat greek yogurt, now with active probiotics. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] or im gonna cut through your d like the Fellowes Powershred 84ci. [ laughter ] theyll be scraping your raggedy 11 2 inch crosscut particles out of the sixgallon pullout bin. And you wont be scoring on the return either, because like the 84ci, im 100 jam proof beeotch [cheers and applause] but kevin, as much as i admire your business acumen, its his wife. Lay off the derogatory comments that could be misinterpreted as sexual. Just Say Something complimentary like shes grrrrrrrreaat [ laughter ] well be right back. Au isurprise. Its eating less. To losing weight. Im hungry just thinking about it. Thank goodness for new slimful. One delicious, 90calorie slimful and a glass of water, like before dinner, helps keep me satisfied for hours. So instead of this much, i only need this much. And slimful tastso good. I dont even miss dessert. Slimful and a glass of water. Eating less is a beautiful thing. [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, everybody. My guest tonight is an indie favorite with a new solo album called former lives. Ill ask him questions leftover from former guests. Please welcome Benjamin Gibbard. [cheers and applause] hey, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on. I want to get straight its Benjamin Gibbard, right . Yeah, or ben. Stephen i was specifically told would you like to be called Benjamin Gibbard . Why the shift . Benjamin looks nicer on an album than ben. Seems a little more formal. Stephen you know what is formal, a tie, a shave. Stand closer to the razor tomorrow. Im from seattle this is stephen as formal as you get. Formal ware where i come from. Stephen people you know from the death cab from cutie, the poafsal service. Huge indy band. Must be im over 27 and i know what it is. [ laughter ] why go out on your own . Are these the death cabs are weeping some place . No, i think. Stephen did you break up . They are doing just fine. Im a song writer. I find myself with more songs than the band can record and i found myself with enough songs to make a record and i decided to do my own thing. Stephen they are extras. These are all top offs. Stephen this is prince throws one over here and over there. It would be a better record if it was like prince. Stephen its really good. I heard the song you are going to do tonight called bigger than love. With miss aimee mann. Jon i was going to surprise the audience that she was here but you go ahead and host. Okay. [ laughter ] this album, as you said they were written over the course of how many years . Seven or eight years. Stephen okay. Any worry that they are going to be obsolete in anyway . Is there a pets. Com reference . I try to write songs that deal with relatively universal themes. So the idea that could you put it on at any point and it would resonate in some bay. Stephen as long as people still speak english. Thousands of now they may not be able to listen to it. The record is predicated upon that fact, that is true. Yes. [ laughter ] stephen mmmhmm. What else do you like to do . Other than music, what do you like doing benjamin . [ laughter ] i like to stephen do we have to talk about music . We can talk about something stephen whatever your agenda is, lets do it. I dont have any other interests or hobbies. [ laughter ] stephen well, then lets then were done. [ laughter ] we talked about the album. We asked you about death cab for cutism you blute whole aimee mann thing. All can i do is thank you and ask you to do a song. Thats really all i have to offer. I should probably do that we should probably move on to that. Stephen benjamin, thank you so much for joining america album is former lives. W a2222 stephen and now way song off the al bum former lives, ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin Gibbard and aimee mann. Its bigger than is brighter than all the stars combined s dwarfing the sun burning within my heart and mind i live with my memories, busting fervor of new york where on 59th street we quarreled and broke the bathroom door because you were just drinking, drinking til you could hardly see oh, how much i loved you but i couldnt bring myself to leave note its bigger than love brighter than all the stars combined its dwarfing the sun burning within my heart and mind note our summers in paris, the seine overflowing with champagne and i knew you stepped out but you knew that i had done the same and we had a child there but we couldnt raise her on our own so our house got crowded and id never felt so all alone its bigger than love brighter than all the stars combined its dwarveg the sun burning within my heart and mind its bigger than love brighter than all the stars combined dwarfing the sun burning within my heart
comparemela.com © 2020. All Rights Reserved.